


What's Left

by Runawaywriter



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-10-09
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:28:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 28
Words: 242,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24011314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Runawaywriter/pseuds/Runawaywriter
Summary: This story begins where Season 6 ended, minus the anomaly."At first, Clarke was too ashamed to admit to herself that out of all the challenges she'd faced 'peace' was the only that might finally break her."The liberation of Sanctum behind them, for the first time they see a real chance of ongoing peace for their people. Can they see peace for themselves? With no reason to fear the future, there is now nothing to distract them from their pasts. No one struggles with this more than Clarke, who in the space of a day loses her mother to death, Bellamy to her own foolishness, and her purpose to peace. Now that the years of fighting to stay alive are over, what's left?
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin
Comments: 1622
Kudos: 841
Collections: Bellarke in The 100 world, The 100, the 100





	1. Clarke

**Author's Note:**

> Story Note:  
> This begins just after Season 6 ends, minus the anomaly. I know there is a lot of exposition in these first chapters, sorry. I'd really like to set up where our characters stand with their new situation, their mental states, and how they think of one another. As an almost-trigger warning, Clarke contemplates killing herself given her Red Sun hallucinations and the hopeless place we're finding her in. She does not and will not act on it, it's a low point she is going to come back from. Also, the battle for her body with Josephine has lasting repercussions. I am very, very into Clarke and Bellamy getting together but that won't immediately happen because that's their thing by now, isn't it?

At first, Clarke was too ashamed to admit to herself that out of all the challenges she'd faced peace was the one that might finally break her. 

After the ‘liberation’ - as she chose to call it, massacre too familiar a term - of Sanctum she found that there was simply no use for her anymore. She knew that the old Clarke would have taken charge at a moment like this. She would have dove straight into the fray, figuring out what they were going to do next and making it happen. This Clarke, however, was tired. Every bit of her, inside and out, was simply too tired.

She could have rallied and overcome it, before. However, this time she had lost her mother to death and Bellamy to her own stupidity in the span of one day. Clarke been teetering on the ledge of what she could bear for so long. Bellamy and her mom had been the safety ropes that kept her from falling when she stumbled. They were the people she had most relied on, trusted, and loved for years and now they were gone. She was left standing alone over the abyss of her past.

Yes, loved.

After her revival in Gabriel's tent, the first thing she had seen was Bellamy's face. He was so near and looked so desperate and relieved to see her. She looked into the face she knew better than her own and thought simply 'I love you.' Thank goodness she had been gulping air too hard for the words to come. When she could speak she had instead whispered 'the heart and the head,' which meant more. She more than loved him. He was as necessary to her life as her own heart, and she loved him with all of it. He'd hugged her, and it was like every other hug they'd shared since the first. Hard and heartfelt and like finding the one safe place in a world out to destroy them. He was her green Eden in a planet on fire.

Before she could say more he'd helped her to Gabriel's nearby bed and urged her to sleep. Everything had hurt and she'd rested without a fight, so tired she'd slept without a nightmare for the first time in years. When she'd awoken they were back at war. Their people were in danger. Nothing came before that to Clarke. Saving them always had been and always would be her first priority. Her newly realized love for Bellamy would have to wait. They had time.

When everything was over, they'd found each other in the courtyard. Everyone was hugging, happy to have all survived against the odds once again. Everyone except Abby. 

When she and Bellamy came together the impact of their hug shook her bones. He understood her like no one else. He'd always been the one by her side making hard choices and suffering the scars those choices left. Words she later couldn't recall poured from her lips, disjointed, devastated over the loss of her mother. She remembered he told her that they did better and that he had to believe it mattered. They'd hugged a second time and when they pulled back was when she had made her mistake. 

She hadn't kissed Bellamy. She might as well have if only to experience it once in her life. No, instead she had held onto him as he starting parting from their hug. He looked down at her from so close, their lips so near. There had been a charged pause. Clarke was mere seconds away from stretching upward and taking the step that she was sure would feel like the culmination of their years side-by-side. 

Then someone cleared their throat. 

"Hey." Bellamy dropped his arms from around her and quickly strode to were Echo waited nearby. Their kiss felt like death from a thousand cuts. 

Before he could turn back Clarke found Madi in the crowd and rushed to her, the girl laughing at the strength of the surprise embrace. Little did she know that Clarke pressed her face so tightly into Madi's hair to hide the few traitorous tears that escaped before she could get a hold of herself. 

Clarke accepted in that moment that, sure, they had gotten through hard times together. Of course they had a bond. Of course he wasn’t going to let her die. However, if that bond was ever going to become more than friendship it would have years ago. That possibility had long passed. It went without saying that Bellamy was overjoyed she had lived. He was an emotional guy; it was one of the many reasons she loved him. He cared about everyone. She shouldn’t have assumed it meant more than it did. 

Now he had Echo, and as Clarke watched them from the corner of her eye she couldn't believe how foolish she'd been. Of his many admirable traits, the one that most defined Bellamy was his unwavering loyalty to those he loved. He loved Echo. More importantly, Bellamy deserved to be happy more than anyone. Echo could give that to him. Clarke couldn't say the same.

When the couple had broken apart, Echo met Clarke’s eyes across the courtyard. She knew. Echo had seen what Clarke was about to do. 

At first Clarke had been able to distract herself from her losses by working with Jackson. They slept on cots brought into the Great Hall of the Primes, now a makeshift hospital. Sanctum hadn't needed one until their arrival. They had been so busy Miller had shown up with meals and practically force-fed Jackson until he'd pause his work, and Jackson would do the same to Clarke with the leftovers. Only when Madi visited would she take a break. Only when she was near fainting with exhaustion would she sleep, though it was more like falling into a short-term coma. Each would end abruptly and with tears as she'd jerk awake from another half-formed nightmare. 

With the endless string of tasks, it had been easy to hide the nose bleeds and dizzy spells she started experiencing more and more. If Jackson knew he would make her rest and she knew the second she did her thoughts would catch up with her. So she kept a wad of tissue in her pocket to wipe away the blood and could lean against something for a moment during the spells, attributing it to tiredness. 

During that initial time of frenzied work, decisions had been made. Important ones, without her, which was good. After all, what they said was clearly true. People died when she was in charge.

For a moment there, Clarke had thought she had been forgiven by the others. Murphy had said she tried to help when he thought Josephine had killed her. Raven had consoled her after her mother died. Octavia had seemed pleased when she had survived ripping Josephine out of her head. As the days passed without them acknowledging her existence, or the fact her mother had died, she knew that none of it was real. The time they'd spent in Sanctum had simply been their group survival instincts; no more than a reflex after years of mutual near-death experiences. No one actually cared about her after what she had done during their final days on earth. She didn’t blame them.

Bellamy could have been the exception. He had always been the first to forgive her, no matter what she'd done. His empathy had always found a way to use her intentions to justify her actions. Clarke realized too late that she had started counting on him to forgive her anything. Finding a way to ruin that beyond repair was just further proof that she really was toxic through and through.

Days after the ‘liberation’, Bellamy had come in person to let her know that Russel had been imprisoned and that they were moving forward with the arrangements he had made for a separate settlement for their people. It was the first time she had seen Bellamy since that morning post-battle. As he delivered the news of where their people would be living, she hadn't been able to look him in the eye. He'd stood with his arms crossed, shifting to hide his discomfort, delivering the news to her as if he thought she'd argue. Clarke had wondered if he finally understood her need to leave after Mount Weather. It was hard to look at the people you 'saved' without seeing the blood you'd shed to save them. She didn't say this, however. She didn't give an opinion at all. She'd nodded her understanding, thrown her best approximation of a smile over her shoulder, and continued working. 

After a few weeks, their temporary hospital had nearly emptied. Those who were savable had been saved. The time for keeping patients under observation, checking and rebandaging wounds, dispensing medicine, and keeping her mind preoccupied, ended. There was only so much left to do and Jackson had things too well in hand for her to have an excuse to spend every waking hour working there. Also, with Jackson less busy it had become harder and harder to hide her symptoms. Those becoming common knowledge was the last thing she needed. 

While she'd been working Madi had been staying with Gaia. Technically no longer the Commander, the Wonkru army still acted as if she were. They would never understand the Flame was no more than an AI. Madi had stopped by the hospital when she could. As busy as Clarke had been, Madi was nearly as preoccupied with her education. Gaia, Indra, Octavia, and others had been training and guiding Madi admirably, better than Clarke ever could have. Madi told her with enthusiastic wonder about Raven and Emori showing her the radiation field and water purification systems they had installed. 

Clarke was amongst the last of the people from Earth left in Sanctum. The others had already relocated and were working on building their new infrastructure. 

With nothing left to keep her away, Clarke packed her bag - which consisted of only a few changes of clothes, a scattering of keepsakes, notebooks, and the few drawing utensils she had left - and made her way to their new settlement. Rather than call for a Rover she’d spent half a day walking the distance, delaying her arrival.

When she finally made it the bustling scene had reminded her of their days at the dropship. Everyone moved with purpose, finding ways to help build an entire civilization out of repurposed tech, chopped down trees, and preserved food. 

Murphy had been the first familiar face to notice her as she hesitantly looked around, his eternally sly smile in place. "Don't worry," he'd called, tilting his head for her to follow, "your spot isn't next to the latrines. Against my recommendation."

Clarke had shaken her head in forced exasperation. “Murphy,”

"You look like crap."

"Thanks, I'm happy to see you too. You've gotten a lot done here."

"Yeah," Murphy surveyed the area with barely concealed pride. "We've really got this 'invading planets, murdering everyone, and colonizing them' thing down to a science. Can't wait to see the next one." 

Clarke huffed a sad laugh. They walked in silence, Murphy clearly waiting for her reply to jumpstart their usual snarky banter but she didn’t have it in her to play along.

"Soooo. We got the basics up for all of our people already. The spots were built and spaced out so more could be built on later or whatever. Yours already has two rooms since you've got Madi. Raven's workshop is over there and-"

"You built a house for us?" Clarke hadn't realized she'd stopped short until Murphy had to walk back the steps separating them. 

She knew Madi was somewhere sleeping comfortably thanks to Gaia and that she could stay there. Clarke had thought that for herself she'd make do with a tent, tarp, or maybe try to curl up in one of the haphazard communal sleeping forts she'd seen the Grounders use before. She would never have guessed she’d be provided a house.

"I mean, it's more a hut than a mansion, but yeah. You're shit at building rooves and no one wanted to give you a reason to start getting bossy.”

Clarke only nodded, biting the inside of her cheek to keep her face as passive as possible. Murphy frowned at that before shrugging and starting to lead her again. 

She didn't want him to know what this was doing to her. All of it. 

This entire place was further proof no one needed her anymore. The friends who'd become a family with one another, not her, had made this. They had intentionally left her out of it, likely to prevent her from causing more harm. Murphy might have said it half in jest, but she was sure it wasn't far from the truth that no one wanted to give her the power to control anything, even if it was only one building. 

More than anything, despite everything she'd done, they had still built her a house. They'd given her an extra room for Madi. They were better people than she'd ever been or could hope to be. Hell, Murphy was the one showing her around rather than leaving her to figure it out herself. It made sense they didn’t want her ruining that.

Her legs began to wobble as she fought down the overwhelming mix of emotions. Or possibly another dizzy spell. Either way, thankfully there wasn't much further to go. They stopped in front of a small cabin, identical to the others.

"This is you. That one," he waved across what would someday be a road, "that's me and Emori. Don't go there. Then you've got Raven, Miller and Jackson, Jordan, Octavia, Echo and Bellamy. On that side of you is Gaia." Murphy pointed up one side of the road and back down the other, indicating each house. 

Clarke tried not to flinch when he said she'd be living next to Bellamy and Echo. How the hell had that happened? Maybe they wanted to keep an eye on her. That was it. They were guards to protect their people from whatever disaster she'd cause next. "Great. Thanks. I'll, uh, I'll see you around." 

Before she could leave Murphy shifted to partially block her path. He lowered his head and looked at her in that infuriatingly searching way he'd grown into. "You doin' alright there, Wanheda?"

"Never better." Sidestepping him, she tried to keep from literally running away to avoid any further conversation.

In her rush, she hadn't appreciated walking into her house for the first time until the door was shut and her back was pressed against it, eyes squeezed tight. After a few calming breaths she had been able to look around and assess the space with gratitude and heartache. A small kitchen, a table, windows, and two doorways that led into rooms large enough for a cot and dresser. It was a generous gift they were giving a woman who was responsible for their torture, leaving them to die, and risking their lives time and time again.

She unpacked her things, sat at the kitchen table, and ended up staring at the wall. Then she paced. Then sat. Then paced. She couldn't stand it, staying still. She couldn't go outside and risk running into anyone. It was one thing to know you're hated; it's another to invite that fact being thrown in your face. Clarke had begun to feel her skin crawl and the walls shrink. When Madi arrived she could have cried not only at the joy of seeing her daughter but in thankfulness for the company. 

"Clarke!" Madi threw her arms around Clarke and she, in turn, clutched her, rocking in relief. 

"I've missed you so much, Madi. So, so much."

"I've missed you too. I'm glad you're home. Bellamy brought my things to Gaia's until you got here. I'll move it all over tomorrow. Gaia's is next door, did Murphy tell you that? He said he'd brought you here when we saw him. Oh, and today Octavia showed me how-" 

Clarke could sit and listen to her daughter's happy chatter all night, so she did. When the dark thoughts at the edge of her mind would start to take over, she would focus more attentively on Madi's voice and the sound beat them back. Seeing her child thrive was a dream come true. She didn't need anything more than that. She shouldn't want anything more than that. 

Madi had already eaten with Gaia and Indra. Clarke had no appetite so there was no need to leave the house as the night stretched on. They built a fire when an evening chill seeped in. Madi let Clarke undo her braids, brush out her long hair, and put in new ones as they talked. The night was perfect. That was until Madi twisted back to glance at Clarke during an animated part of one of her stories.

"You're bleeding," the girl gasped.

"Am I?" Clarke feigned surprise and touched her upper lip, pulling away fingers smeared with black blood. She wiped it away as best as she could. "Huh. It must be from all that time overworking at the hospital. Don't worry. I'm just exhausted. I'll be better soon. You remember this when we tell you it's important not to overdo yourself and rest, alright? Exhaustion can take a real toll on your body." 

Madi's voice had still been mostly worried but held a healthy dose of suspicion when she said, "You're bleeding... from being tired?"

"Yep. Speaking of which, we ought to get you to bed. Did you say you were starting your day training with Octavia, or was that after visiting the Wonkru camp with Indra?"

"Indra," Madi replied, searching every inch of Clarke, the furrow between her brows steadily deepening.

"Well, you'll want to be well-rested for that. Come on, I'll tuck you in."

Expecting the sass that had developed over the past few years, instead of sighing or saying she was too old to be put to bed, Clarke had felt awful when Madi had only nodded and followed her into the second bedroom. She hated that their time together had been darkened by one of her stupid nosebleeds. The last thing she wanted to do was worry her daughter.

That first night was when it happened.

Clark was no stranger to nightmares. They were the only dreams she knew anymore. However, this one... This was new. This one was different. 

She could feel the bruising grasp of her mother's hands as she had clung to her. Clarke felt the very strands of her hair as she shoved Abby's head away, pushing her to her death. As she was ripped out of the airlock, suddenly her body was joined by her father's. Except they didn't float away. They floated towards her, their lifeless forms frozen yet repeating all of the things her Red Sun hallucination had told her and more.

They said they were both dead because of her. Madi would die because of her. She was a cancerous growth that needed to be cut out, a toxic poison that would kill everyone near her. She was the worst thing that had ever happened to her people, to them, to humanity, to the entire earth. They wished she was dead. Their voices steadily got louder and louder, and the faint outline of ghosts began surrounding them. More and more came, the countless people she had murdered, to support her parents as they begged her to do the right thing: kill herself. The crowd went on, and on, and on, pressing closer and closer, imploring her to die.

Over the years she'd woken many nights crying or in a cold sweat. That night she'd sat straight up in bed, the only sign of her dream a gushing nosebleed and a pain in her chest so deep it felt physically real. Clarke had started clawing at her skin, only half-conscious and desperate to rip out her heart. It hurt. It hurt so badly she couldn't take it. She needed it gone, she needed it to stop, god, she had to make it stop.

When the last remnants of sleep left her and she realized what she was doing, some of the scratches across her chest were bleeding. The sting was nothing compared to the ache that remained within.

Frightened to return to that dream and frightened to wake Madi if she began screaming, Clarke had gotten out of bed and once again sat at her new kitchen table, staring at the wall, willing her mind to stay blank. She sat there through the long hours of the night and into the breaking dawn. 

When she heard Madi stir in her room Clarke forced herself to her feet. There was no need to fix breakfast; Madi had explained that food was being provided at a mess hall. 

There was no need for her to do anything at all. 

Except lie. Clarke hadn't thought to cover up her chest before Madi could notice the scratch marks. When the girl had asked what had happened with wide eyes, Clarke had lamely come up with: "Uhmm. Bugs. There was a bug." 

She couldn't even lie well anymore. They all would have died years ago if she was that bad at it then.

When Clarke wouldn't elaborate further Madi left with a suspicious scowl. Clarke watched her stalk over to Indra's down the road and saw the fierce warrior smile as she opened the door to let the girl in. 

Left to her own devices Clarke once again began to pace, faced with the same dilemma as the day before, only worse with the remnants of her nightmare playing over and over in her mind.  
She could offer to help build the town in some way, but clearly no one wanted her around. She could find where they had set up their medical center and see if there was anything to do there, but that was Jackson's domain now that... Clarke stopped in her tracks and shivered. Now that her mother was dead. Jackson would tell her if he needed her, she shouldn't presume. He was a real doctor and their population wasn’t high enough to need more than one. Plus, she didn't want him to notice something was wrong with her. She could walk around, familiarize herself with the bustling construction, find the mess hall and its promised food, as little as eating appealed to her. However, that would likely lead to running into people. Drawing held no appeal because all she could see in her mind's eye were her parents floating corpses, begging her to end her life. 

So she paced, and paced, and paced. There was nothing to distract her from the demons that dogged her every step.

No one needed her to lead them. No one wanted her as a friend. Her mother was dead. She didn’t need to protect anyone, or feed anyone, or save anyone. She had nothing of value to give and no one wanted her help. In a time of peace, there was no use for a killer. There was no point to her. Now there was nothing.

Nothing except Madi. Madi was all Clarke had left to live for. 

However, they weren't in Shallow Valley anymore. Madi had plenty of people to look after her. She didn’t truly need Clarke anymore either. 

More importantly, Clarke knew that no matter her intentions she hurt everyone around her. Even before the nightmare, every time she looked at Madi in the back of her mind Clarke had heard those Red Sun hallucinations whispering. 

When she'd put that gun to her head on the Eligius it had been with the hope of saving her daughter from Sheidheda. Afterward, no one mentioned what happened and she was grateful. She didn't have to choke down the truth that if rescuing Madi hadn't worked she would have pulled that trigger without hesitation. Even now, she wasn't sure how she would survive giving Madi up, even knowing the girl was better off without her. Her desire to stay with Madi no matter what proved she really was as selfish as everyone said. 

When she couldn't take it anymore, Clarke shredded one of her few shirts to turn it into a sort of scarf. The sun was shining brightly and there wasn't an excuse to wear it but nothing she owned had a neckline high enough to cover all of the marks she'd unintentionally made. 

Clarke left the house before she could talk herself out of it. She hadn't thought to ask for a key but there wasn't a need. Even if robbery was a concern, she had nothing left to her name. Thieves were welcome to the drawing journals that held the memories she'd made in another life, scenes of landscapes now long gone, and portraits of people who either hated her or were dead. There was nothing else left.

She walked with her head down, trying to avoid being recognized. It didn't last long when a Grounder noticed her and the mutters of 'Wanheda' began to follow her. The Commander of Death. She deserved that awful name. They had given it to her after only her first genocide. She deserved so, so much worse now. 

Any hope she'd had of being distracted from her sins vanished and Clarke made her way to the nearest boundary of the newly installed radiation fence. Without pausing she continued straight through it. It wasn't as if it could hurt her. Even if it did, so what?

Entering the forest, Clarke ducked behind a carnivorous tree to hide herself from view. She went no further. Octavia had warned them of some of the dangers she’d seen and Clarke’s worst fear was now quicksand. That would be the ultimate curse: forced to stay still until you die. 

Clarke fell to her knees and finally let herself cry. Years' worth of heartbreak came pouring out.

For the first time, she allowed herself to recognize her life for what it was. A horrible, bloody, endless string of trauma and death, beginning the day her father died and ending where she sat. All that time she had needed to be strong for the others. She’d managed to suppress everything, her mind focusing on the task ahead. And there was always a task ahead. Since mourning her father in solitary confinement, there had been surviving the ground, surviving Grounders, escaping Mount Weather, fighting Mount Weather... On and on, she'd been able to throw herself so completely into the survival of her people she'd never been forced to sit with what had happened and what she'd done. Even those years in Shallow Valley she'd been so busy finding food and caring for her home and raising Madi, she'd easily found a distraction when the truth began to catch up with her. 

It took over an hour to cry the worst of it out. When she was done she'd yanked her legs out of the vines that had begun to wrap around them as she'd sat there, and contemplated what she'd do next. 

It was unrealistic to think she could go back and live in that house. She was like this after one night. How could she hide that from Madi long term? How would she hide whatever was wrong with her physically? She couldn't. She also knew she couldn't kill herself, no matter how much what her nightmares said was true. Clarke has seen what Jasper's death had done to them all and she didn't want Madi to live with that. 

The most obvious answers out of the way, she spent the entire afternoon alternating between wracking her brain, untangling herself from the tree trying to eat her, and wiping away the blood from her persistent nosebleeds.

Clarke wasn't thrilled with her final decision but it was the best she could do. Needing to act before it was too late she moved back towards camp, checking that the perimeter was clear of anyone she knew before leaving the forest's edge. Head down she walked at a clipped pace, more focused on getting her task accomplished than being recognized as the most hated woman alive. 

Her first stop was the house she'd been given. She'd avoided the road, traveling along the back of the row of structures. Once inside she'd only tossed her clothes back into her bag and the dagger she still carried from Lexa. She pulled two drawings from her disheveled stack of journals, leaving the rest to whatever end they'd find. 

Clarke let herself stare down at the top image longer than she should have. It was the first one she'd drawn of Madi. Her little wild child. She rolled it up and added it to her bag. The other was a landscape sketch she'd done one peaceful morning in Shallow Valley. She'd done her best to capture the serenity of the view from their favorite hillside, where they could pretend the lush green land went on forever. Snatching up a charcoal pencil, Clarke had scrawled "I love you the most, forever and always. -Clarke" in the corner.

Not wanting to waste any more time, and not wanting to stay long enough for anything to change her mind, Clarke slipped back out of the house she'd been provided and was ungratefully immediately abandoning. Hopefully they would give it to someone more deserving. 

It wasn't hard to find Gaia and thankfully there was no Madi in sight when she did. To be safe Clarke got the attention of a passing Grounder and asked them to tell Gaia to join her at the Wonkru tent she was lurking behind. 

"What is this? What's wrong?"

"Everything's fine," Clarke lied through her teeth, more convincingly than before. "I have to go to Sanctum and need Madi to stay with you until I get back. Take care of her for me?"

"Of course." Gaia searched Clarke's face and began shaking her head. "Clarke, what are you doing?"

"Nothing. Here, please give her this," Clarke pressed the drawing into Gaia's hand, "and just- just take care of her, alright?"

Gaia glanced down and the page, saw the inscription, and snatched Clarke by the shirt before she could run off. "I will ask once more. What are you-" Gaia's gaze fell to where she'd tugged Clarke's shirt below the cover of the scarf. Her head cocked. "What is that?"

Clarke couldn't pretend she didn't know what Gaia was talking about. Her body, the traitor, also felt like it was a good time to start another nosebleed. Gaia released her and took several steps back, assessing Clarke from head to toe much as Madi had the night before. 

"What is happening to you?" When Clarke shook her head and moved to leave, Gaia stepped in front of her. "If you think I'm letting you go when-"

"I'm not asking you if I can leave. I am asking you to take care of Madi. I need to get whatever’s wrong sorted out and I don't want to frighten her, alright?"

"I don't understand. What is this?"

"I don't know. Everything will be fine, I just have to get a handle on things. Take care of Madi."

"You know I will."

"I do. Which is why you're the one I’m asking.”

Gaia tilted her head in acknowledgment and moved out of the way.

Clarke continued to be cautious as she made her way to the main gate and the road leading to Sanctum.

She was three feet from freedom when-

"Hey, stranger.” Raven jerked her chin in greeting then frowned. That seemed to be people’s natural reaction to her now, unsurprisingly. “What’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing, I’m-”

“Clarke, shut up." Raven was squinting at her and began closing the distance between them. Never one to pull punches, Raven immediately held up her fingers as she counted her concerns. "Your nose is bleeding, you’re pale, thinner, your eyes are red and glazed. I can see that you're shaking from here and you look like you're about to pass out. Wanna try to lie to me again and say you’re fine?"

Clarke had always appreciated Raven's directness. Even when it wasn't to her benefit she'd always known exactly where they stood with one another. At that moment she could have used a little less of it. Clarke had managed to get Jackson, Madi and Gaia to overlook her illness or let it go. Raven was not so easily deterred. She'd addressed what was wrong within seconds and wasn't going to let up until she was satisfied. At least Clarke had her chest covered again.

"Seriously, I'm ok," Clarke started circling away from Raven, trying to keep her distance while getting to the gate. She knew her chances of leaving were significantly lessened if Raven decided to stop her. "I've been busy at the hospital and-"

"Nuh huh. I've seen you busy. I've also seen you half-dead and I gotta say, that's what you look like right now. We've been giving you space but you've got to-"

Clarke ran. It was her only option. Raven yelled at her to stop, yelled for someone to stop her, which only made Clarke run faster. It was true she wasn't stable on her feet but her body was familiar enough with running for dear life while less than healthy. Her adrenaline compensated for the rest. 

Once she was out of sight of the camp Clarke detoured into the trees. Knowing it wasn't safe to head far into the terrain she kept close to the edge of the road, staying hidden for when- 

Yup. There it was. The roar of the Rover came thundering down the road, Raven passing fast enough in pursuit that Clarke couldn't get a look at her. She was familiar enough with Raven's expression when she was pissed off to get the idea.

It was slower going than she would have liked, especially with night approaching, but Clark stayed within the tree line as she made her way towards Sanctum. The Rover could only come back one way. Clarke wouldn't put it past Raven to shoot her in the leg in order to slow her long enough to ask what her deal was.

Sure enough, as the sun began to set Raven flew back by. In the seconds it took to pass her, Clarke thought she heard her radioing someone but it was hard to tell. 

The danger of being caught gone, Clarke moved to the center of the road and picked up her pace as the moon became her sole source of light. 

It would be a lie to say she didn't turn back several times. She'd take a few steps towards her people, tears in her eyes. 

Maybe they would give her another chance. Maybe she could be the person her mother had hoped she'd become: better. She could learn to be the kind of parent Madi deserved. 

Each time, she'd never make it more than those staggered steps before reality would come crashing down and she'd continue on the path she'd committed to. Her people had given her more chances than any one person could deserve and she'd let them down every time. Her first attempt at being a good person had resulted in the fall of a civilization and mass murder. Someone like her was too far gone for the idea of 'better' to make a difference. And no matter what she did, she'd never deserve Madi. For the first time, Madi was surrounded by good people, people nothing like Clarke. Leaving was what was best for Madi. She deserved to be led through life by hands not drenched in blood. 

As she got further and further away, the more sure she became of her course of action. 

She'd been crippled by 'peace' and 'safety' since Sanctum had fallen. After all she'd done and survived, she wasn't going to lay down and let it kill her. 

She'd gone to extreme lengths to ensure the survival of her people. In doing so she'd become a monster, selling away pieces of her humanity since they'd landed on the ground. The only way to protect them now was to remove the monster from their midst. It didn't matter how much they hated her; she'd do anything for them. Now, that meant leaving them all behind. 

Madi would miss her for a while but that kid was resilient. She'd move on. As for everyone else? If they even noticed she was gone, all they'd feel was relieved. 


	2. Bellamy

"What the hell do you mean Clarke's leaving?" Bellamy didn't know if he'd said it in a shout or breathlessly. All he was sure of was the way the room seemed to swoop around him. 

Not again. She couldn't leave him again. Them again. They couldn't lose her. 

"Here. See for yourself."

Gaia slid a piece of paper across the tabletop. Bellamy snatched it up before it came to a halt. As much as a part of him wanted to look at the image first all he could see was her neat, curling handwriting. 'I love you the most, forever and for always. -Clarke'

"This is for- This is for Madi?"

"Of course it's for Madi. Clarke gave it to me and asked that I take care of her. Bellamy, her nose was bleeding, she looked like she could barely stand, and she had marks-" Gaia made a slashing movement across her chest and the spin of the room was now accompanied by the pounding of his heart. 

She was hurt? She was sick? Dammit, he knew he shouldn't have left her alone. It didn't matter what he'd been told. He knew better. He had to find her, had to- "Why the hell didn't you stop her?"

"She had that look she gets. Getting between her and the exit... You and Madi are the only ones who can talk to her when she's like this. That's why I'm here. I don't want to worry Madi. It was either get you or knock her out."

"You should've knocked her out.” Now Bellamy knew he was yelling. He pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration before shoving out of his seat. "I'm sorry. Thank you for telling me. Where is she? Where did you see her?"

Gaia matched his pace as he stormed out of the mess hall. "She was by-“

"Bellamy. Bellamy, come in. This is Raven." Before he could grab the radio at his waist she continued. "Clarke is making a run for it. I tried to stop her but she-"

"Raven, where are you?"

"Main gate. Bellamy, hurry. There's something wrong with her. I'm going for the Rover but she's moving fast."

"On my way." 

He didn't spare Gaia another glance as he ran for the gate. When he got there, there wasn't a sign of Clarke, only people going about their business, not caring that the reason they were still breathing had left them. Every person there owed her their life, some of them several times over. They all ought to be as desperate as he was to find her. How the hell would they live without her? Not just survive, though that too. How would they make it without Clarke?

Bellamy was panting, not only from his run. 

When he was sure she wasn't hiding in the crowd, Bellamy started down the road. He knew Clarke had a head start but she wasn't leaving them without a fight ever again.

Before long Raven pulled up in the Rover, barely slowly enough for him to get in. 

"The second I saw her I knew she was going to run,” Raven said before Bellamy could ask what had happened. "She had that look she gets." 

Gaia had used the same description and he knew why. He knew exactly what they meant. It was her 'doing what I have to do' face. Her blue eyes would turn into steel and stubborn jaw harden into stone. She'd done things, hard things, often enough that her determined expression was easily recognizable. There was no stopping her when she had that look.

"You should have called me. You should have-"

"There wasn't time! As soon as I saw her I knew what she was going to try to do, but she looked so bad I thought..." Raven shook her head, biting her lower lip. 

"What do you mean 'looked bad?'"

Raven described Clarke and every word made Bellamy's self-loathing grow. 

He'd known better. 

They had all mutually agreed to follow Echo's advice and give Clarke the space she needed to heal after losing Abby. It went against his every instinct but Echo had made the point that the last time she'd been this upset was after Mount Weather. Clarke had run off and it had taken a clan-wide manhunt for them to ever see her again. They needed to wait for her to come to them when she was ready. As a spy, Echo was the one who specialized in understanding people and the way they thought. They all respected her opinion. No one wanted to give Clarke a reason to run again. Even Raven, who would always partially blame Clark for Finn and Shaw's deaths no matter or irrational it might be, agreed they wouldn't be able to start a new world without her.

One day he'd broken that agreement. He could have sent a messenger to tell her about the plans to build their own settlement but he'd gone instead. He'd hoped being near would prompt her to talk to him. Also, in all honestly, he needed to see her. As more than a co-leader, he missed her. It was their first time talking face-to-face since the morning after her mother died. Or, it would be face-to-face if Clarke would have looked at him. He'd had to cross his arms to stop himself from grabbing her, shaking her into talking to him. He hoped his voice didn't come out as pathetic as he felt, wishing she'd tell him he was doing the right thing. Bellamy wasn't close to done speaking, he had so many things pent up, but Clarke nodded like he was finished and he caught only the profile of her half-hearted dismissive smile. The experience proved that what Echo said was true. She wasn't ready to talk to them and pressuring her into it was not the way to help her.

Despite knowing it was the right thing, leaving her alone had torn Bellamy up. Even after their talk in the hospital, every day he still felt the urge to check on her. Bellamy gave her more space than he could stand. He bore it because if there was anyone who deserved the right to heal, it was Clarke. She'd given up everything for them over and over and over. He owed her too much to put his needs first.

So he waited. He would take care of their people until Clarke was ready to pick up the reigns. Bellamy was doing his best but the reality was he wasn't meant to lead. At least, not alone. On the ring didn't count; there had been the seven of them. On the ground, the only times he'd successfully led anyone had been with Clarke. They'd always balanced one another out and it was going to take both of them to build a future for their people. He couldn't do it without her. None of them could. They had countless examples proving that.

When A.L.I.E had stolen Raven's mind, she'd used their friend's mouth to spew venom in order to get a reaction. Some of it had been nonsense. Some of it had been true. A phrase that stuck with Bellamy, one that would come to mind at random moments, had been that he was 'a good little knight by his queen's side.' He'd never considered their dynamic much until those words and they struck him as profoundly accurate. It wasn't very complimentary towards him but the truth rarely was. Even at the dropship, within days of their landing Bellamy started looking to Clarke for direction. He'd done his part but no one doubted that The Hundred survived because of her. Through the years, even when they fought, they needed each other.

Since she lost Abby, Bellamy had known in his gut that he needed to be by her side. He’d talked himself into staying away but he'd known better than to let her deal with that alone. The whole time she'd needed him and he hadn't been there.

Bellamy slammed his fist into the Rover dashboard and Raven nodded as if in agreement. What words could they say? They drove in silence for a while, until Raven started tapping her fingers against the steering wheel in thought.

"We've gone too far. There's no way she'd get all the way out here before us on foot."

"Unless she stole a Rover and had it waiting nearby. Did you check if they were all accounted for?"

"No, but we can radio in. Do you really think she put that much thought into it?"

"Raven, it's Clarke we're talking about. Even if this was an impulse, I wouldn't put it past her to be hot wiring the Eligius by now."

"Good point. Call in a count."

Bellamy did just that, hailing anyone in Raven's machine shop. The responder had been Emori, cautiously wondering why they needed to know the location of all functioning Rovers. How anyone missed Raven's alarm warning Bellamy that Clarke was taking off was beyond him. After explaining the situation in clipped words, Emori was quick to get them the intel. 

"No Rovers unaccounted for. I sent someone to check the horses too and they're all here. Do you think she headed-"

“Octavia told us all about what was in the forest. Everyone knows it’s too dangerous to go in until we know more.”

"Yes," their conversation was joined by Murphy's dry voice, "because Clarke is well known for common sense when it comes to danger."

"Shut up, Murphy. She didn't go into the forest. She's probably- She's probably..." Bellamy looked at Raven, searching for a comforting answer. She shook her head. "Dammit." He pressed the radio mouthpiece back on. "We're heading back. We'll make a plan when we get there. Have teams ready to head out. She can't have gotten far."

"By now, yeah, she could have." Raven didn't look at him as she said it, turning them back the way they'd come. 

"Bellamy, we shouldn't be sending anyone in there, especially at night, and especially after Clarke."

"She'd go after us," Emori said over the radio before Bellamy unclenched his jaw enough to.

"Maybe. Even if she would, let's be honest here: We're not going to find her until she wants to be found. You might not like it but you know I'm right. That's like Clarke 101."

Raven leaned towards him and Bellamy obliged by holding the mic up for her, he himself speechless in annoyance. "I deeply, deeply hate to agree with Murphy but he's right." She winced at Bellamy's dark look. "We can make a game plan tonight but we need to wait until morning to try and track her down. That's the only way we even have a chance. If we go wandering through the dark looking for her, our people could get hurt, or she'd see us coming and be more careful covering her trail." Raven leaned away and Bellamy let the mouthpiece drop into his lap. "I'm sorry, Bellamy. I promise we'll find her. Clarke's tough. She'll be fine."

"Sounds like a plan. See you when you get back," Emori said, ending the conversation on their end.

"How many times are we going to say that? I know Clarke's tough. She's not immortal. One of these times she's not going to be fine." Bellamy threw the mic at the radio before scrubbing his face in angry, anxious helplessness. "It's my fault. I knew she was struggling with Abby's death. She needed my help and I left her to deal with it alone."

"We all did. We thought we were doing the-"

"It's not the same and you know it. She thinks her job is to protect everyone. I'm the one whose supposed to protect her and I let her down. Again. Dammit." Bellamy punched the dashboard a second time, shaking out the damaged hand and more than a little grateful for the pain. His knuckles were split. It was the least he deserved. He was an idiot and Clarke was paying the price for the thousandth time.

Bellamy knew that things must be record-breaking bad if she was willing to leave Madi behind. She loved that child so deeply it was hard to watch them together sometimes. It made his chest ache. Bellamy knew his mother had loved him and he had loved her back. He loved his sister. He loved Echo. He'd known plenty of love in his life and he'd gone far past the line of sanity for love more than once. Hell, he'd shot the Chancellor and hopped on a doomed dropship to earth for Octavia. Even then, it didn't compare to the way Clarke loved. Her love was selfless and fierce and consuming and awe-inspiring, and truly terrifying. She'd do anything - had done just about everything - for her daughter. To walk away from Madi... Bellamy could hardly imagine Clarke that hopeless. 

When they pulled into camp Bellamy saw the profiles of Murphy, Emori, and Echo waiting for them in the dark. He barked at Raven to stop and she did abruptly and without complaint about his tone. He'd apologize later. His feet hit the ground and he took off in the opposite direction. There was no way he could handle the others trying to make him feel better without losing his shit. He needed time to wallow in what he'd done. He needed to find as much moonshine as he could put down while still being able to function at first light. That was when he would start tearing apart the planet to find a woman who didn't want to be found.

Dropping by the makeshift bar they had set up near the mess hall, Bellamy had taken a whole bottle while making direct eye contact with Tikka, their liquor manufacturer now that Monty was gone. She'd simply raised her eyebrows and nodded. She wasn't going to stop him. Being in charge - even if it was mostly a charade - had its perks. Ripping out the cork with his teeth, Bellamy ignored the long glances he was receiving and began to walk aimlessly. He didn't want to talk to anyone. His manner must have conveyed that because no one approached him with the endless questions and needs he had to handle every day, alone. He didn't want to see his friends. He didn't want to go home. When the moonshine started to kick in he found himself headed in that direction anyway. 

It wasn't until he drew to a stop in front of Clarke's doorway that he thanked his inebriated body for the good idea. There was no better place to tear himself up over letting Clarke down than in the home he'd built for her. Naturally, he'd set aside the plot next to his own so it would be easier for them to meet every day to talk about, well, everything. For a fraction of a second, he worried about getting inside as he tried the door only to find it unlocked. Stumbling into the dark, it didn't take long to find candles and matches. They were exactly where he had left them for her. 

Once there was light, all he could see was the stack of notebooks and loose paper piled on the kitchen table.  
  
It went without saying that he knew Clarke drew. He'd seen her doing it plenty of times. Bellamy had spotted colored pencils at a Grounder trading post once and later, when he'd handed them to her like it was no big deal, Clarke had given him one of her rare brilliant and unburdened smiles. Over the years he'd catch a glimpse of her sketches over her shoulder and she had even shown him a finished drawing once in a blue moon. For a woman with more confidence than a room full of warriors, she was surprisingly shy about her art. It made it that much more interesting. 

Now, there it all was. The secret work she'd left behind without a care. There was no question whether he'd delve into it or not. She might not care about it anymore but he certainly did.

Flipping open the cover of the top notebook, Bellamy was greeted by his own face. He sent a silent thanks to Clarke. After all, tonight he wanted to dive into the depths of how much he'd failed her. Seeing himself as the first thing she'd thought of when given a blank page was a great start. He wanted to feel every last drop of guilt. Dependable Clarke, she could give him what he needed without even being there. 

He remembered that day. It was when they'd first gotten to the ground. It was the day he'd followed Clarke and Welles into the woods to find Jasper, Murphy and Finn tagging along. With chagrin, he remembered swearing to Murphy that he'd get her Ark wristband even if he had to cut off her hand to do it. Out of everything that happened, what Clarke had drawn was when she had almost fallen into a spiked pit. He'd been the closest and had snagged her on the way down. In the image, he could see her perspective and damn the girl was good. There was that stupid band, his hand using the cuff to support the hold he had on her wrist. Only now did he appreciate what that moment must have been like for her. She expressed it in her art; his hand was shown in great detail. The only thing between her and a painful death had been his grip. Further away, the lines softer to show the distance, his face looming above her took up most of the page. Somehow she conveyed more than he would have thought possible. Even a stranger would know the thoughts in his head. In sweeping lines, she'd captured both it occurring to him that all he had to do to get his way was let go, and his determination to hold on.

Moved by that first image, he still wasn't prepared for the next. In it Monty and Jasper were sporting goofy grins, their original moonshine still between them. Jasper had on his goggles and carefree expression. Bellamy shamelessly ripped out that page. He was taking it with him. 

On it went, her remembrances of their early days. She put it all down, the good and the bad. Murphy swinging when they'd hung him, the crowd cheering. A drawing of Finn's profile staring up at the night sky that was uncomfortably intimate. Lincoln tied up in the dropship. Raven sitting at Finn's bedside post-surgery. Bellamy's own face again, this time disconcertingly vulnerable. He didn't know he could look like that. In the background was a body. That memory was from the night Dax had tried to kill him. He and Clarke had fought together for the first time. That night was when she had convinced him to stay with The Hundred. She had told him she needed him. She told him he was forgiven. The following image of Octavia was stark and raw, harsh strokes of Clarke's pencil expressing his sister's outer beauty and inner strength. He stole that too. Next, Clarke had drawn the bomb smoke from when they'd blown the bridge to stop the Grounder attack, each line so delicate it must have taken her days. Bellamy could still recall with perfect clarity the look on her face when she'd seen it. She'd said: "I am become death, destroyer of worlds," telling him it was Oppenheimer as if he wouldn't know. If only they knew then how true those words would become for them. 

Bellamy wasn't done looking through the first journal when the cabin's door burst open. His first wish was that it was Clarke as unlikely as that was. His first dread was that it was Echo coming to drag him out of his pity party.

"I thought the light meant she was here," Madi admitted, crestfallen. 

Bellamy nodded, unsure of what to say. He didn't know how much she'd been told. Now that he had an audience he realized that at some point tears had started to pool in his eyes There was no point hiding it but he still harshly wiped them with the back of his hand, sniffling. 

"Can I show you my favorites?" Madi asked into his silence, eyes on the artwork before him. 

When he nodded the girl drew near and started sifting through it all nonchalantly. As much as each page was a revelation to him, Bellamy reminded himself that these were Madi's childhood books. He'd once read myths and history to Octavia. That was why Clarke's images were in chronological order; she had drawn their stories for Madi.

"I like this one. I think it's one of Clarke's favorites too. She looks at it a lot." Madi murmured, holding out a loose page without glancing up, already flipping through another journal.

Clark had drawn the skyline of A.L.I.E.'s island, the rocket taking off without her bad enough. In what should have been the sky Clarke had drawn them. Echo, Emori, Murphy, Harper, Monty, Raven, and him, all smiling. His shoulders shook as he fought not to cry. As compassionate as her mother, Madi laid her hand on his back and waited for him to motion he was alright before she continued. 

Whether intentionally or by happenstance, Madi had picked out several less gut-wrenching drawings to share. One was Lexa, sprawled on her throne and toying with a dagger. Madi explained it was the first time Clarke had seen her. One was of the gas station she and Madi had lived in while safe in Shallow Valley. There was Nico and Abby leaning down together to look at a patient, the massive tattooed warrior and the Ark doctor mirroring one another's gestures, so different and in some ways the same. The next was, of all things, King Roan of Azgeda.

"Clarke told me if I had a brother, she'd name him Roan," Madi mentioned casually, already prepared to show him something else.

"Whaaaaaat?" Bellamy knew he dragged the word out too long and that his delivery was weird and flat. In his defense, his mind was trying to process that statement while already far too emotional. He had stopped drinking when Madi came in but he was admittedly too tipsy to handle it too. 

Clarke had thought about having a kid of her own? Well, not that Madi wasn't her own, but thought about having a biological baby of her own? He tried to imagine that and his face scrunched up in a half-smile, half-grimace. Obviously Clarke would make a good mom. If Madi wasn't proof enough, there were times Bellamy had felt like they were raising ninety-nine juvenile delinquents together. That said, she'd wanted a baby. For six years she and Madi had been the only people on the earth's surface and there was no telling if they'd ever see anyone else. Of all the cruelties the world had tossed their way, Bellamy was still outraged by this one. She had wanted another child and for all that time she'd thought she would never have one. It hurt to think of Clarke hoping for a baby, enough to daydream about it to Madi, going so far as to pick out a name, while thinking it would never happen.

The name itself was the surprise left hook in that knockout newsflash. Roan? Seriously? Roan? Not to be conceited, but out of everyone, she seriously wouldn't name her kid after him? For all she knew he was dead. If not him there were plenty of other choices. What about Monty? Jasper? Finn, Welles, Lincoln, Kane? If she was desperate, even Jaha. She had chosen Roan?

Either he had accidentally let some of that slip out or his expression said it all because as somber as she'd been since walking in, Madi giggled.

"You know how much she cares about all of you; you're her family, like me. She told me that we're all already with her wherever she goes. She wouldn’t need a reminder of any of us. It makes sense to pick Roan because he wasn't her family but he was her best friend. Clarke says..." Madi trailed off, sucking her lips into her mouth the way Clarke did when she was trying to prevent saying the wrong thing. 

"No way. You aren't holding out on me now, Madi Griffin."

That made her smile impishly and that, in turn, made Bellamy proud. Madi hadn't seen the hardships that Clarke had, but she'd seen enough to make many of her expressions somewhat reserved around almost anyone but her mother.

"You're going to take it personally," Madi hedged, still grinning but also offering him a sincere warning. He held his hands up innocently as if he had no idea what she could mean. Madi laughed. 

"Alright, well," Madi pulled her lips in once more, likely searching for the words to least offend him. She was so much like Clarke; a natural diplomat. "Well you know she cares about all of you. She told me so many stories about each of you." Madi patted the nearest notebook affectionately. "I know that Welles was her best friend growing up and Finn was her first love. She's told me all about Lexa. And of course, there's you. It seems like every story either starts, ends, or is entirely about the two of you together. You're basically the main character." Bellamy tried to work through the lump in his throat, not wanting to stop Madi when she'd barely begun. "Saying you're her best friend doesn't really cover it, you know? You're more like- You guys are more like- What was it? The head-"

"The head and the heart," Bellamy confirmed softly. 

Madi nodded enthusiastically, getting into the story. "Yeah, that's it. That was what she called it too. She was the head and you were her heart." Bellamy went ahead and let that phrasing kill him internally even though Madi hadn't meant it to come out that way. "So, Clarke is Clarke and cared about everyone, but yeah, some more than others. She said she didn't mean for it to end up the way it did, but all the people she cared about the most were the people that always fought her the most. That was a good thing; it made her tougher. Lexa, you, her mom, Finn, Kane, Jasper, Murphy, Monty, Raven- Basically everyone important to her, other than her dad when she was little. Everybody thought she needed to be different; thought she needed to change who she was. She said that hurt and it was hard but it was for the best. It's important that we stay true to ourselves as much as we can but it's ok for people to tell you how to be better because changing is how you grow.

“Clarke said she was always arguing with the people she cared for, and sometimes she'd learn a lesson and be grateful after it was over, but mostly it made her sad and tired. She was always trying her hardest and it was never enough. That was why she didn't recognize Roan was her best friend until he was already dead. Clarke said Roan was the first person - after her dad and before me - that didn't want to change her. He had liked and respected her exactly the way she was. Roan never made her feel guilty, or like a failure, or like she was a bad person for doing what she thought was right even when they disagreed. Roan trusted her and gave her the benefit of the doubt even when it made his own life harder. He didn't do it to manipulate her or because he was in love with her. He was just sincerely her friend. She's told me a lot of times how much she wishes she'd realized that before he was gone.

“That’s why if she’d had a son she would have wanted to name him Roan. The rest of us are already a part of her family but he's not, he’s only a friend. Getting to remember somebody like him, hoping her kid would end up like-” Madi came back out of the thrall of repeating a tale she clearly loved and was immediately apologetic. “I’m sorry Bellamy. I didn’t mean it like- She loves you more than Roan, it’s only-” 

Bellamy waved off her apology and wiped at the tears that had escaped and trailed down his cheeks. This was ideal hating himself material. The damn King of Azgeda had treated Clarke better than he had. Roan had been the only one out of them all that hadn't criticized her when anyone could see Clarke was trying to get them through one impossible situation after another. 

“It's not your fault, Madi. Thank you for telling me. You’re right. When Clarke has a kid, Roan deserves naming rights. No question."

"Uhm, 'would have,'" Madi clarified, her expression staying guilty as she started collecting the pages they had strewn out, pointedly putting Roan's at the bottom of the stack. 

"What?"

"Not 'when.' It's 'would have.' Clarke isn't going to have any kids but me."

"I don't understand. You said she wants-"

"We made up lots of things we wanted, Bellamy. Clarke made a game of it. We’d both say all the things we'd do someday as if we weren't going to die alone in that valley." Madi smiled, looking ten times her age. "She stayed sane talking to you every day even though she knew you probably couldn't hear her. We stayed positive pretending that any day things were going to be different." The girl shrugged.

Unsure of the reception he'd receive, Bellamy held out his arms, offering a hug. They'd hugged once before, briefly, when he'd broken the news that Clarke was dead before they'd found out there was a way to save her. That had been a spur of the moment.

Now when Madi threw her arms around his neck and buried her face into the crook of his shoulder Bellamy fought the urge to start full-on crying. He also checked the strength of his hold. When he would squeeze Clarke it had always been with everything he had down to his fingertips. Madi was so little. God, she was still so little and had already experienced so much. He'd understood, in theory, Clarke's devotion and fanatic protectiveness with her daughter. One hug and he knew he was right there with her.

This also confirmed his earlier suspicion. Something was very, very, very wrong with Clarke for her to be willing to leave Madi. Bellamy had been determined to find Clarke or die trying before. Now even if he died, his ghost would find her and bring her home. She and Madi needed to be together, truly happy, and totally safe for once in their lives. There was nothing on this planet, including Clarke herself, that was going to stop him from making that happen. 

He wasn’t going to let her down again.


	3. Clarke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Story Note:  
> We've heard Clarke is taking Abby's death hard but what does that entail? That's delved into, along with what is going on with her mysterious ailment and how she's going to handle it. There are also several setup options for troubles Bellarke can face... wait for it... "TOGETHER" going forward.
> 
> Personal Note:  
> \- Thank you SO much to everyone who left comments and kudos. It's really scary to put myself out there for the first time and you're so incredible. I've been walking around with a smile visible from space thanks to you.   
> \- I need sincere feedback on the question: if it makes sense for why they are holed up alone together in the wilderness is that ok, or too cliche no matter what? I have the next chapter and a half ready but I'm not sure if I ought to pivot the plot and rewrite or not.   
> -I need to say thanks again. THANK YOU!

“Clarke?”

“Hey Gabriel.” Clarke did her best to keep her voice calm and casual even as the majority of her weight was being held up by the startled man who’d found her that morning. “Is it alright that I dropped by without radioing first?"

“I- I… Yeah, of course.” Gabriel shook himself out of his shocked daze and rushed to her side. Swinging her free arm across his shoulders he relieved the other man of her. “Simon, you can go. Thank you.” 

“Thank you, Simon,” Clarke said, trying to convey the sincerity of her words with her expression but the man wouldn’t look at her. She could hardly blame him. 

The walk that had taken Clarke roughly six hours on the way to the earth settlement had taken her nearly ten on the return trip in the night. The lack of light had hardly been the problem. Several times she’d had to lay down in the road, her dizziness so strong it had turned her empty stomach. On the way the tissues she brought to wipe away the blood had not been enough and she had resorted to using her shirt. If she’d been on earth she would have found shelter on the side of the road and rested until she was ready to carry on. But this was not earth.

She’d managed to make it through Sanctum's radiation fence and into safety. With her destination so close Clarke had tried to cover the remaining distance. The palace was right there. She’d almost cleared the orchard, admittedly crawling part of the way, before she passed out. 

She had awoken to a horrible screeching sound and had instinctively pulled out her dagger. She had no idea where she was or what was going on but that didn’t mean she wasn’t ready fight. The noise had amplified and she’d swung wildly until she could make sense of her surroundings. When everything clicked into place she’d sighed deeply, grateful to have reached Sanctum and resigned to the embarrassment of her reaction. The screeching had been that of a groundskeeper, frightened that he had found a dead body, and then even more frightened when said dead body had pulled a knife on him. 

She’d asked for help getting to the town hall, which was what Gabriel called his repurposed use of the palace. The man had agreed to help very, very cautiously. Their walk had been awkward to say the least.

“Are you alright?” Gabriel shook his head, dismissing the question as stupid on his own before she needed to reply. “Bellamy called me on the radio at dawn asking if I’d seen you and-“ 

“What did you tell him?"

Gabriel pulled a face. “I told him I hadn’t seen you since I hadn’t seen you. What is going on? I’ll radio him back now to-“ 

“No! No, no need for that.” 

They had reached the nearest chair and Gabriel lowered her into it before kneeling, looking up with worried eyes. “Clarke. Please tell me what’s happening.” 

“Remember that time your ex-girlfriend tried to steal my body? I think there were some side effects.” Clarke tried to joke, another dizzy wave returning that caused Gabriel to hold her upright in her seat. 

“This has been going on since Josephine… Since I…” 

“Yeah,” Clark confirmed, not making him say he’d killed her out loud. “It wasn’t bad at first but it’s been getting worse.” 

“What has Jackson said? What tests have you already run?” 

“We didn’t get the chance to chat about it.” 

“Clarke…”

“I thought it was best to come to the source. This isn’t his specialty.” 

“He’s a neurologist. We talked about the chips at length.” 

“Yeah, sure, but,” Clarke scrubbed at her forehead, debating what amount of the truth she should reveal. She needed his help for more than the physical symptoms she was experiencing and decided to jump in headfirst. She could either trust him or she couldn’t. “Look, I need your help, and I need you to not tell anyone about it.”

There was a pregnant pause as they searched one another’s faces. Whatever Gabriel saw made him slowly nod his head in agreement.

”Promise me. Say you won’t tell anyone, even Bellamy. Especially Bellamy.” 

“I promise,” he said with so much conviction Clarke actually believed him. 

“Thank you.”

“It’s my fault this is happening to you, and you risked your life in the fight to save my people. It’s the least I can do. Let’s get you cleaned up and I’ll start assessing your condition. I’ll ask Cathrine to help you, wait right here for her.” Gabriel had almost left the room before he had to ask, “Why can’t Bellamy know about this? Why don’t you want to tell him you’re here?”

”Bellamy and I… I don’t want to worry him about this. He’ll feel obligated to get involved and I think it’s best if he isn’t.” 

“I’m not going to lie to him, Clarke. He helped free my people the same as you. He and I need to be strong allied leaders, especially until things cool down and everyone settles in.” 

Clarke hung her head, not bothering to argue for once. She needed specifically Gabriel’s help and had to take it however he would give it. She also couldn’t fault his logic. 

It didn’t change that Bellamy knowing was going to kill her. She was already struggling and she already knew the truth. The past few weeks had shown clearly that he’d grown indifferent, at best, towards her when life and death weren’t on the line. Having him by her side used to be the biggest comfort and now the thought was agony. If knew she was sick he would come running to the rescue, he would be willing to do whatever it took to save her life, and she would die inside knowing he was doing it because he felt like he needed to. It wasn't real anymore.

A touch at her shoulder had Clarke looking up, unaware Gabriel had moved closer once more. “I said I wouldn’t lie to him. That doesn’t mean I’ll break my promise to you. If he directly asks me if I’ve seen you, I will say yes. However, I won’t give him any detailed information that makes you feel uncomfortable. He’s my ally and you're my patient. I have to believe there is a way to look after the best interests of both.” 

“Thank you. So much.”

Gabriel dipped his head in acknowledgment. He backed towards the doorway, maintaining eye contact as he left her with a final thought. “For the record, I spoke to him this morning. At dawn, if you missed that part. I promise you, he did not sound ‘obligated’ to find you.” 

———

Clarke needed to ask Gabriel how to contact Simon, the groundskeeper. The man deserved a gift and a placard for bravery for being willing to help her. 

She had known she probably looked bad after her brutal trip and failing health, but she didn’t realize the extremity of the situation. Her lower face and shirt were smeared in black blood. Her ghostly pale skin made it look even worse and highlighted her sunken eyes, cold sweat leaving streaks on her face as it ran through the significant dust she’d gathered on the road.

No wonder Simon had thought she was dead. She was standing in front of a mirror as Cathrine ran a bath, staring at herself, and she was fairly sure she was dead too. 

“Come on, sweetheart,” the kindly older woman coaxed when Clarke didn’t move after the water shut off. Gently, like she was an already cracked porcelain doll, Cathrine helped Clarke out of her destroyed clothes and into the waiting tub. Leaving her to bathe - and likely off to set the mess that were her clothes on fire - the woman shot Clarke a motherly look of concern on her way out. 

It was enough to send Clarke spiraling with thoughts of Abby. Nearly anything could.

Her mom had been so strong. She’d lost so much and still managed to have a gentle heart. She was the only example Clarke had ever seen of truly unconditional love. No matter how far Clarke had fallen and as unredeemable as she felt, her mother insisted there was a way to come back from it. She’d twist her own logic, her own sense of right and wrong, in whatever way it took to see Clarke as the good person she could be and not the killer she’d become.

Clarke thought of the last time she’d seen her mother. Her real mom, not the monster that had stolen her body. Of all the pain she’d inflicted, Clarke wasn’t sure if she’d ever caused a wound as scarring as pretending to be Josephine in front of Abby. The look in her mother’s eyes thinking she was dead and that someone was walking around in her body… When Abby told Russel she’d kill them all she clearly meant every word. As moral as she’d sworn to be, she would have slit Russel’s throat for hurting Clarke. 

Even burdened with the supposed death of her own daughter, Abby had still managed to protect Clarke’s when she herself couldn’t. That act had been what put her in danger. It was why she had become a host. She’d turned herself into a nightblood to save Madi, stopping the need to take bone marrow from the girl and choosing to endure the painful procedure herself. That was who she was. No matter what she was going through or how much her heart was broken, Abby always found a way to save the people she loved.

In their final moments, when Clarke revealed she was still alive, Abby and hugged her, and cried, and looked at Clarke like everything was right in the world because she was there. Everything would be alright as long as Clarke was there. 

How would she ever find her way back to being the good guy, how would she ever forgive herself for what she’d done, without her mom there to show her the way? 

She was lost.

The last thing Abby had said to her was, “Now go save us all. Again.” 

But there was no one left to save. She didn’t know how to save herself. Even with her gone, Clarke felt the weight of letting her mother down. 

She’d spent every day since trying to outrun that loss and guilt. It was too big and it ran too deep. She was so afraid and so completely alone for the first time in her life. 

Her fingers had long since pruned and the bathwater grown cold as Clarke battled to suppress all of those thoughts. Every day it was getting harder and harder, more and more of the pain and hopelessness leaking through. 

Clarke shook her head and scrubbed the tears from her face. She already had and was continuing to disappoint her mother. She needed to accept that and move on because she didn’t know how to fix it. What she did know was that Gabriel was waiting somewhere and there was a possibility he could fix whatever had gone wrong with extracting Josephine. After that… Well, after that she had some ideas about how else he could help her. One step at a time. 

She had to keep moving. Her mom would want her to survive.

When Clarke exited the bathroom wrapped in the towel she’d been provided, she was touched and equally unsurprised to find clothes waiting for her in the attached bedroom. Hers had seen better days and would likely frighten the civilized people of Sanctum. She changed quickly and went in search of Gabriel, directed by the people she asked along the way. When her path led her to the Prime crypt Clarke drew up short. 

Nope. Hell no. She was suddenly very comfortable with the idea of dying if it meant she didn’t have to go in there. 

As sure and simple as that, Clarke turned around and headed back the way she’d come. The final moments she’d had with Abby were already haunting her. She wasn’t ready to revisit where they’d last spoken without sincerely and utterly losing her mind. Her child had been tortured in there. Her mother had been murdered, her body used. Between death and having to enter that hellhole Clarke's choice was easy. 

Already halfway back to the palace, Clarke heard Gabriel calling her name, jogging to catch up. “One of the others said he saw you come and go. Do you want to postpone the testing? If so, I want to warn you that-” 

“I’m not going into that building.” 

“Places aren’t evil, only people. You’re safe here now. We’re going to use that equipment to help you, not harm you or anyone else ever again.” 

“I’m glad to hear that. I am also not going into that building.” 

“Clarke, please reconsider. Other methods could be less effective and slower.” He saw her jaw lock and held his hands in defeat. “Fine, fine.” They began walking back to the palace together, his mind distracted trying to think of a solution hard enough that Clarke had to catch his sleeve to prevent him from colliding with a passing wheelbarrow. 

“Given that you won’t be visiting the Prime medical lab, how about this: I will get the items that can be moved, or easily disassembled and moved. The larger items and systems would take… Well, would take a lot longer. Are you sure you won’t just-“ Clarke gave him a look of warning and he carried on. “I have the main components we need at my home. It’s not as elaborate as everything here, but with the supplemental tech I’ll be transferring it should be enough. Enough to diagnose you at least. Once I have- Well, we'll discuss options then. Does that work for you?” 

“Yes. Thank you. I appreciate all that you’re doing to help me.”

As they began to walk up the steps of the palace together, Clarke truly was thankful. She also pitied Gabriel a bit. It worked to her benefit so she was in no position to complain, but no wonder Josephine had been able to convince him to do anything she wanted for so long. He couldn’t say no when it came… when it came to… 

“Gabriel, what do you see when you look at me?” 

The man’s face immediately crumpled, proving Clarke’s theory correct. “I know you’re not her. I see you too. But your face was the last face I ever-“ 

“I understand.” And she did. 

No wonder he couldn’t say no to her. No wonder he was bending over backwards to help her. It wasn’t only that he was the one responsible for the Primes and what they’d done, or that she’d helped him. A little part of him looked at her and saw the love of his life. That he killed. 

Clarke briefly rested a hand on his arm in comfort and they shared a sad smile. She’s lost her mother. He’d lost the woman he’d spent centuries in love with. They were both hard losses and they both felt guilty.

Gabriel invited her to join him and the people he was working with to rebuild their world. The Children of Gabriel were the only ones who knew how to function without the Primes’ guiding hands. While the anger many of their people had felt upon learning the truth had been why the revolution had been successful, there was no one left to take that out on now. It was directionless and Gabriel worried about the potential for civil unrest as everyone transitioned to a whole new way of existence. There was also the matter of the Faithful. Despite everything, some still saw the Primes as deities. There was an ongoing debate on what to do about that. At what point were they freeing people from lies, and at what point were they taking their free will away, no better than the Primes themselves? It was all fascinating and Clarke felt more engaged than she had in a long time. 

There was a moment when Clarke had used one woman’s logic against herself to the point she was left speechless. As wholly inappropriate as it had been, Gabriel had laughed. “You’re really good at this,” was all he said with a shrug when Clarke had looked at him with reprimand. 

Several times she’d had to deal with a nosebleed or dizziness, but each instance Gabriel had either handed her a handkerchief or put a stabilizing hand on her shoulder and motioned for everyone to go on, and they had. They’d gotten used to it after a while, continuing to talk out problems with her as she held cloth up to her nose as if it were nothing.

When a woman opened the door and motioned for him they all agreed to take a break. Upon speaking to the woman in hushed tones in the doorway, Gabriel waved for Clarke to join him. Her stomach sank.

“Bellamy?” 

“Bellamy. He’s hailed us twice since you’ve arrived. We only have the one radio with the frequency alteration your friend Raven installed to overcome the anomaly interference, so my people have been able to stall by saying I was unavailable to talk. Which was technically true. It’s been a busy day.” Gabriel led Clarke down the hall as they spoke and then into a private room. In it, several chairs surrounded a table with a radio in the center. “Cordelia says he is no longer accepting that answer.” 

“Sounds about right.” Clarke immediately began pacing, staring at the bit of machinery like it was going to bite. 

“Clarke, are you sure you want to do this? I said I’d help you and I meant it, but are you sure there is no other way? When I saw you two before, when I saw when he thought he’d lost you… Are you sure you want to keep this from him? I feel like he cares m-“ 

“I’m sure.” 

“Alright.” Gabriel took a seat and after running a weary hand down his face picked up the radio mouthpiece. “Bellamy. This is Gabriel. Do you read me?” 

“Yeah, I’m here,” the voice at the other end responded immediately and Clarke gave up pacing, clutching the back of a chair to brace herself. Just the sound of his voice had her twisted up, wishing he was there for her like he used to be, and wishing he’d stay away like he needed to now. “Still no sign of Clarke? We’ve been searching the forest as best as we can but it’s slow going. Can you spare any of your people as guides? It’s already afternoon and we have no leads other than her saying she was headed your way. I’ve got my-“ 

“She’s here.” 

“She’s there? She’s alright?” 

Gabriel glanced over at Clarke with a dubious expression and she understood. In her state ‘alright’ was a bit of a stretch and he’d said he wasn’t going to lie. 

“Safe?” she suggested and Gabriel nodded in agreement. 

“She’s safe.” 

“Why didn’t you tell me? We’ve got people- Nevermind. Put her on.”

Gabriel held the mic towards her, one last chance to change her mind. She didn’t take it. 

“I’m sorry, Bellamy. I can’t do that right now. I promise you she’s safe.” 

“What the hell does that mean? Give her the radio, Gabriel.” 

“I’m truly sorry, but Clarke isn’t-“ 

“I said give her the damn radio!” 

Gabriel flinched and guilt hit Clarke hard. He was trying to keep Bellamy as an ally. After sitting in on his meeting today, she saw he had his hands full with Sanctum. He was willing to help her, even accepting it when she refused to go into the building needed to do that. Clarke meant it when she said she didn’t want to rope Bellamy into dealing with whatever was wrong with her. She hadn’t changed her mind about that. She did change her mind about dragging Gabriel into it. 

When she held out her hand for the radio Gabriel nearly threw it at her. 

“Bellamy.” 

“Clarke.” He said her name with such reverence and relief it broke her heart. “Are you ok?”

“I’m fine. Please stop yelling at Gabriel. I came to him.”

She could practically see him trying to process that. “What are you doing there?”

“I…” Clarke sucked her lips into her mouth, thinking fast. Was there any possible explanation she could give him that he would accept? “I need some space, Bellamy. That’s all. I need some space from everything.”

“From Madi?”

Ouch. He knew her too well; he went straight for the kill shot. “From everything. I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

“As soon as you-“ She could hear rustling on his end and knew the frustrated motions he was making. “Is this a mind control thing? Are we doing that again? Because so help me-“

“I’m not being mind-controlled. I need space.”

“Well, you’ve gotten all the ‘space’ you’re going to get from me for a lifetime so tough luck. I’d come up with a better excuse by the time I get there if I were you.”

“Or what? I don’t need to explain myself to you. I want to be here, so I’m here. I’ll come back when I’m ready.” Clarke felt the trickle of blood and realized her nose was already bleeding again. It seemed like they were become more and more frequent by the hour.

“No, I’m coming to get you. You’re coming home now, today.” Bellamy was officially using his hard, demanding voice. It was the specific voice he used to cow a heard of wild delinquents time and again, work crowds into frenzies, command warriors, stand toe-to-toe with killers and rulers and sound more powerful than they did, with nothing but his voice. 

It had also never worked on Clarke. Not once. Why he thought it would now was a mystery for the ages. Maybe it was a reflex on his part.

“No, I’m not. Don’t make this harder than it has to be.”

“I’m not letting you go again, Clarke. We are not doing this.” There was a pause as if he expected her to say something in response to that, but she had nothing to say. She was also losing focus. Usually, the dizziness and bleeding hit her at different times, but she was experiencing both now. 

When his voice came back it was softer. “I’m going to come get you and whatever is going on we’ll figure it out together. 

“Do not come here. I mean it. I’ve got to go. Griffin out.” 

“What? Clark, wait-“

Instead of lowering the volume or changing frequencies, Clark turned off the entire radio. “He’s on his way to the Rover right now. I’ve got to go.” 

“Clarke, you’re in no state to go anywhere. You need help. Let Bellamy help you; he’s clearly worried. Why are you doing this?”

She glared at Gabriel. Whose side was he on? “What I need is to get out of here.”

“And where are you going to go?”

“You said the equipment we need was in your house in the forest, right?”

“I meant visiting it for tests. Not to stay there. I can’t leave Sanctum right now, Clarke. I have to be here for my people.”

“I understand. I do. Please understand that I have to leave, right now, and that I’m going with or without your permission. Your place was… that way, right?” Clarke motioned vaguely towards the northwest and Gabriel threw his head back and stared at the ceiling for a beat. 

“I’ll take you there. Give me a minute to pack some supplies.” He sounded forlorn. She felt bad. Not enough to stop, but she did.

“Thanks, Gabriel.”

“Uh huh. Tell me, do you always do this?” He gestured at himself, her, the whole palace around them. “Show up and demand what you want until you get it?” Gabriel said it with a smile but Clarke could tell it was a mostly serious question. 

“Only to people I really like.”

“Lucky me. Wait for me in the courtyard. I’ll meet you there.”

What would have been a two-hour walk - likely longer given Clarke’s state - took roughly fifteen minutes by dirtbike and hidden shortcuts.

Entering the tent enclosure for the second time, Clarke spotted Gabriel’s medical table and quickly looked away. That was where she’d realized she loved Bellamy and it might as well have been where she lost him. They were one and the same. 

She did her utmost to ignore that spot as Gabriel gave her instructions but it was hard. 

“Watch these,” he tapped on a glass enclosure filled with bugs. “They’re the ones that make hisses noises before they die, so you should be able to hear them too when a Red Sun is coming. Under here,” he kicked a mat out of the way and pointed to a hidden door, “is the bunker. It’s not comfortable but it will get you through it. There’s an hourglass in there. Flip it when you get in and once it runs out you ought to be safe to leave. Food preserves,” he pointed at a set of tubs, “water,” others, “and here…” Gabriel stopped at the dreaded table and dropped his bag onto it. When he opened it to reveal black blood bags Clarke huffed in surprise.

“You’ve lost a lot of blood from the constant nosebleeds and they only seem to be getting worse. I think you’re going to need these sooner rather than later.” He acted as if that was going to concern her and when she seemed unimpressed he carried on. “We might as well make the most of your time here. I’ve brought this,” he pulled a contraption out, “and we’ll hook you up right now. When I come back tomorrow we’ll have a twenty-four-hour read on what your neurons are up to. I’m also leaving this notebook. Please document what is going on when you see symptoms, and please do it honestly. I’m starting to think it’s not only physical or mental strain but emotional that’s triggering whatever is going on. We need all the facts to figure this out. Got it?”

“Got it.”

Having clearly given up on making her see reason, Gabriel hooked up the machine. It fit like a type of collar with various medical wires hanging off it which he attached to specific spots on her head. He explained that the small box on the neckpiece was what would be recording her brain activity until he returned. 

Finally, he pressed a button into her hand. “A distress beacon. Keep it on you at all times. If something happens, someone will be on their way within minutes.”

“Thank you, Gabriel.” She couldn’t seem to say it enough. 

“You’re welcome. What do you want me to say to Bellamy when he arrives?”

“I’m sorry? And to not be too harsh with you. I am impossible to say no to. It’s not your fault.”

Gabriel laughed at that, shaking his head. As he walked out Clarke could hear him muttering something along the lines of: “That’s the damn truth.”


	4. Bellamy

“I’m going to come get you and whatever is going on we’ll figure it out together," Bellamy pleaded.

“Do not come here. I mean it. I’ve got to go. Griffin out.”

“What? Clarke, wait, don’t do this. We need you here. Clarke, listen to me. Clarke? Clarke?”

When there continued to be no reply Bellamy dropped the radio to the table and then his head into his hands in frustration. He shouldn't have lost his temper. He'd regretted the words as they were c0ming out of his mouth but they had kept coming anyway. 

He hadn't slept all night. He'd ended up walking Madi back to Gaia's next door and then returned to Clarke's home, sitting at her table and alternating between admiring her artwork, chewing himself out, and worrying about where she was and what they'd do without her. He'd waited until dawn to radio Sanctum hoping against hope she'd made it there in the night. They'd made the roadway as safe as they could but they were in a largely unknown world with dangers they didn't fully understand. 

When he heard she wasn't there Bellamy had organized a search party. They'd been at it for hours and there had been nothing. Each time he'd radioed Sanctum checking if she'd made it, Gabriel was too busy to talk. He was left to stew in his anxiety and guilt. When he'd finally gotten ahold of Gabriel and had been told him she was there, safe, he'd dropped into the nearest chair in relief. He needed to hear her voice for it to be real enough to breathe, only then to be told he couldn't speak to her. Like hell he couldn't. 

When her voice had come on the radio confirming she was really alright, Bellamy had felt it bone-deep. Then she had dropped the bomb he'd been sidestepping to the best of his ability this whole time. She'd left. She'd gotten her things and intentionally left them to go to what, Gabriel? To Sanctum? He knew they'd made some mistakes but she could have come and talked to him before running away in the night. 

Then Clarke had said she wasn't coming back. Even when he'd evoked Madi she said she wouldn't come home 'until she was ready.' They couldn't fix things unless she was there. What if she was never ready? 

So yeah, not that it excused him, but he absolutely lost his temper. By the time he had enough composure to know that if there was anyone who didn't deserve to be snapped at, and if there was anyone who became more obstinate after being snapped at, it was Clarke. She was already done speaking to him before he could recover.

“I’m sorry Bellamy,” Echo wrapped him from behind in a hug. “I know you don’t want to believe she needs to be given more space and time. None of us do but she said it herself. We have to keep being patient. She’ll come around eventually.”

“No.” Bellamy couldn’t believe that. He’d talked himself into staying away because he thought he was putting her first. Now he was convinced she needed him, and he was going to put that first too. She carried so many burdens for her people. It was time she knew, was shown, she didn’t have to do it all alone anymore. He had to make this right. “No, we stayed away because we thought she’d take off if we didn’t. Well, she took off anyways. Nothing to lose now.” 

He snatched up his radio to call “Murphy, come in,” as he began walking fast towards Raven’s machine shop.

“Murphy here. Any princess sightings in your neck of the woods?”

“Yeah, she made it all the way to Sanctum. I’m headed there now.” He took his thumb off of the radio and shouted, “Yo Raven! I need some wheels!”

“Of course she did,” Murphy chuckled through the speaker. “I’ll bring in the calvary. Need anything else?”

“Yeah, you’re coming with me. Tell the search party to head back this way. I’ll pick you up along the road.”

“Seriously?”

“Wheels, as requested,” Raven tossed Bellamy keys before he had time to respond to Murphy. “You found her?”

“She made it to Sanctum.”

“On an alien planet, in the dark, with quicksand and unknown predators and trees that apparently eat people,” Raven shook her head. “Of course she did. Drive safe.”

“Will do. Raven, keep your radio nearby. Private channel will be eight, alright?”

“Hold on- what aren’t you telling me?”

“She says she’s not coming back.” Echo broke the news with zero tact as he climbed into the Rover and Bellamy couldn’t blame her. It wasn't like that fact wasn't driving him crazy too.

“She what? Why would…” Raven gazed into the middle distance, mind working out the problem. When she did she gave Bellamy a hard look. “Bring her back. I don’t care if you have to put a sack over her head and tie her to the roof of the Rover.”

“Hopefully it doesn’t come to that but I’m glad I have your go-ahead if it does. Hold down the fort while I’m gone.”

“You got it.” Raven stepped up to the window after Bellamy slammed the door closed, her voice dropping its usual swagger. “And Bellamy… Please tell Clarke I miss Abby too. She’s not the only one. When she’s ready-”

Bellamy nodded curtly, enough said. “I’ll tell her. Take care of our people. I’ll take care of Clarke. We’ll both see you soon.”

“I’m coming with you.” Echo joined Raven near the glass. “You might need help convincing her to come back. If she won’t, I don’t want you to be alone. I know how hard this is.”

“Didn’t you hear?” Bellamy pasted on a smile, determined to be optimistic about his plan. “I don’t need to convince her to come back. I need a sack and some rope. And I won’t be alone; I’ll have Murphy. He’ll be the one holding the sack.”

Raven laughed, pulling Echo away with her. “Anything else?”

“Yeah, one more thing. Find Madi? Tell her that Clarke says she loves her and she’ll see her soon.”

“Bellamy, don’t tell her that. If Clarke won’t come back-“

Bellamy cut off Echo’s warning. “Tell Madi?”

“I’ll tell her. Go!” Raven waved him off and Bellamy didn’t need to be told twice. 

He passed the search party they’d sent out that morning as they were walking along the road back home. He was surprised by how easy-going they looked. 

Tensions had been running high and were steadily rising. Without Octavia acting as their Red Queen, Wonkru had fallen. It wasn’t obvious, and it was slow, but all the signs were there. When given the choice of where to set up camps the clans began to reemerge. There was petty thievery and fights. The one positive was that they had already learned to get out their aggression in combat training. The sparring fields they’d set up were seeing heavy usage for people to let off steam. The downside to that being there was too much steam to let off. Jackson moved his medical tent to be next to the fighting in order to lessen the foot traffic of people walking injured through the camp to get to him. People were being too rough and taking things too far even against the friends they’d chosen to train with. 

Not much further down the road, Bellamy spotted Murphy flipping off a tree. 

When Bellamy pulled up beside him and said, “Really?”, Murphy had shrugged and gotten in. 

“It was looking at me weird.”

“It’s a tree. It doesn’t look at anything.”

“Says you. It picks who it eats somehow.”

“It doesn’t work like that. Octavia said it’s slow and it’s the vines-“

“Look, any pace that a tree eats people is too fast. End of discussion. So what did our little runaway rebel have to say for herself?”

Bellamy opened his mouth to reply twice, each time choking on the words. He hadn’t been the one to say she wouldn’t come back when telling Raven. Now that it was his turn he found that he couldn’t.

“I see,” Murphy said. “Didn’t go well, I take it?”

Bellamy shook his head and Murphy nodded, turning to look out the window as they drove, giving Bellamy time. 

His ability to maintain a respectful silence only lasted so long. 

“Did you see the group headed back to camp? Man, nothing bonds people like being in a foreign place where everything wants you dead. Made me think of the fond ol’ days when literally everything tried to kill us. Unlike the fond recent days of literally everything trying to kill us. Can we still call our last time on earth recent? I mean, I know it’s been over a hundred years-“

“Murphy.”

“I feel like that’s a valid question. Anyways, seriously. Within an hour of going out, the whole group was less on edge. Well, with each other. One of the guys was nearly blinded when a flower did this weird thing and that freaked everyone out for a bit but other than that everything was surprisingly chill. It did good to get out, get some fresh air.”

What he said wasn’t wrong. Bellamy suspected the general barely checked aggression around their settlement had a lot less to do with animosity than it did with boredom. Skykru were the ones working the tech installation and running machinery; they were who knew how. Many of the Grounders contributed to the creation of buildings, roads. However, most of their population were farmers and hunters, and they were in a land they didn’t know how to farm or hunt in yet. They were left sitting around and then being offered stale rations as an insult to injury. Bellamy had reached out to Gabriel for insight and the man had sent over an array of books that started to help them understand their new world but they were a long way from being where they needed to.

Bellamy had been running from one fire to the next, putting them out and giving orders. He was getting them through. Clarke was the big picture leader. They needed her.

“So not that I don’t feel special and honored and loved, but I gotta ask: why am I the one you’re taking to catch Clarke?”

“Don’t take this as a compliment, but you’re very persuasive.”

“Compliment not taken.”

“I also figured you’d want to come. Was I wrong?”

When Murphy was silent Bellamy shot him a glance. Murphy was staring straight ahead, his thoughts somewhere else. 

“No,” he finally admitted, his flippant joviality gone. “No, you weren’t wrong. Thanks.”

“No problem. When we get her back you can take the second turn trying to convince her not to hate you forever.”

Murphy cleared his throat. “Naw, that’s ok. I have a suspicion Raven can take me in a fight and I don’t want to find out. I’ll take third.”

Bellamy chuckled and left it at that. They didn’t need to discuss it any further. They both knew.

When they arrived Bellamy switched his radio to the Sanctum frequency. “Calling Sanctum. This is Bellamy Blake. We’re at your westernmost entry. Please deactivate the radiation fence.”

“Bellamy Blake, this is Sanctum. The field has been lowered and will remain lowered for three minutes.”

“Thanks, see you soon. Tell Gabriel I’m here.”

Murphy asked cautiously, “Why did that last part sound ominous?”

Bellamy rolled his shoulders and drove on in silence. 

“No really. Is Gabriel not ok with us being here? I have a couple of apologies to run by Clarke but I’m not comfortable with starting a fight with the only other people left. We do not have a good track record with that. There are only so many habitable planets, Bellamy. Are you listening to me?"

“I’m listening. We’re not fighting. He has Clarke and we’re getting her back, that’s all.”

Murphy dropped back in his seat, dragging his hands down his face. “We’re doomed.”

“Shut up, Murphy. Everything is fine.”

“We're so screwed.” They parked in the palace courtyard, Murphy pulling at his hair in anxiety. “We are so screwed.” He took a long look at Bellamy and rolled his eyes. “What are we waiting for?”

“That’s what I thought. Let’s go.”

As they climbed the palace steps they found Gabriel waiting. “Bellamy, it’s a pleasure to see you again.”

“Yeah, it’s nice to see you too,” Murphy muttered. 

“Gabriel. Thank you for seeing us.”

“I wasn’t aware I had much of a choice.” Gabriel’s tone was still pleasant and he was smiling like this was a friendly social call. Bellamy hoped it stayed that way. He and Gabriel had been on good terms from the start and Murphy was right; keeping the peace was vital.

“Well, we appreciate your time. If you could direct us to Clarke-“

“I’m sorry, Clarke’s no longer here.”

“She’s what?”

“Maybe we should take this inside,” Murphy suggested, eyeing the passing people who’d all looked startled and then stared upon hearing Bellamy. The man’s voice carried when he was pissed.

“Good idea,” Gabriel headed inside, Bellamy hot on his heels. 

“What do you mean she’s gone?”

“Bellamy, please understand the situation I’m in. Clarke came to me and asked for my help and I’ve given it to her. Part of that was not disclosing her location. I value our alliance as new world leaders and it’s not my intention to upset you or withhold more than I have to. What I can tell you is that Clarke was here and she was… Safe. When she found out you were coming she left. She’s still… Safe. She wanted me to tell you that she’s sorry and-“ the man went from earnest to ruefully grinning with exasperation “- and to not be too hard on me because it’s impossible to tell her no.”

“She left because I was coming here?” Gabriel nodded in confirmation. “And you took her somewhere safe?” Another nod. “Great. Take me there.”

“I’m sorry, I can’t. I’m a man with many sins to his name but I do keep my word. I told her I wouldn’t speak to you about her condition and I intend to-“

“Condition?! She’s sick?!”

Gabriel tilted his head back, staring at the ceiling briefly. “I’m sorry. We can’t discuss this. It’s getting late and you’re welcome to stay the night.” He stepped closer, putting weight on his next words. “I mean it. I don’t want to have conflict with you. My only intention is to keep my promise to her.”

Their partnership was important so Bellamy tried his hardest to channel his inner-Clarke. Convince Gabriel through conversation rather than brute force no matter how worried or angry he was. The words came out through gritted teeth. “I agree, our alliance is how we get lasting peace for our people, and I value it too. You saved Clarke once, and if what you’re saying is true, it sounds like you’re trying to save her again. I like you, Gabriel, and please believe I don’t mean this as a threat but that I do mean it: We all know how far you went to get Josephine back. You’re a doctor. Imagine what I’ll do.”

Gabriel’s head snapped back at that. 

“Bellamy,” Murphy drew his name out, heavy with warning. 

Gabriel and Bellamy held eye contact, each assessing the other.

Bellamy figured his not-threat must have finally kicked in because Gabriel slowly nodded.

“The sun is setting. I’ll take you to her in the morning.”

“No. Tonight.”

Gabriel, for whatever reason, seemed to find that mildly amusing. “Of course. Tonight. Do you know how to drive a dirt bike? We’ll want to be out of the forest by full dark.”

"She’s in the forest. The kill-everything forest?” Murphy clarified. 

“A safer space in it, but yes.”

“Oh, in that case, I’m good. I’ll be here when you get back. Have fun.”

“Murphy, seriously?”

“What? It’s Clarke; you got this. I’ll watch the Rover. You’re welcome."

“We really need to get going if I’m going to take you tonight.”

“I’m coming. Lead the way.” 

Gabriel led Bellamy and Murphy, who was merely curious, to the garage. “I don’t blame you for your - tenacity, let’s call it - in finding Clarke. She’s one hell of a woman.”

“In that she is a woman and some people’s hell, yes, I suppose she is.” Murphy nudged Bellamy in the ribs when Gabriel turned away, searching for a spare helmet. “Dude, she’s pulling the whole ‘get their leader to fall in love with you’ move again. We wouldn’t have survived without Lexa. Who knows what Gabriel could be good for?”

When Gabriel turned back Murphy was catching himself on a table from the force of Bellamy's shove, smiling slyly.

As it turned out Bellamy did not know how to ride a dirt bike and his belief that he could figure it out as he went was not as successful as he hoped. He ended up leaving on the back of Gabriel’s, much to his discomfort and Murphy’s amusement. 

After getting the radiation field lowered for their exit, it thankfully wasn’t long before they were pulling up to the tent he’d first met Gabriel in. It was dark, no light shining from within.

“She’s here?”

“Yes. I’ll leave you to go in alone. Maybe she won’t be as mad at me by the time I come back tomorrow.”

“I wouldn’t bet on it,” Bellamy had been in the middle of saying when Clarke called out Gabriel’s name questioningly from inside the tent, no doubt alerted by the sound of the bike. Whether or not the man said anything else to him Bellamy couldn't tell, already moving fast.

He shoved the tent flaps open, eyes scanning the interior so fast he almost missed her. "Clarke?"

"Bellamy." She said his name with so much hope and relief it nearly matched his own. Every bit of conviction he'd had that he needed to find her, no matter what anyone said, was affirmed. 

He was too busy processing how sick she looked in the dim light as he rushed to her side to notice the scowl that began to appear. "What the hell did he do to you? What is all this?” He pushed sweat-dampened hair from her face and froze when she jerked away. 

“I told you not to come here.” 

“You can't be serious right now."

"I am. I told you to stay away."

"Clarke..." Every new detail he saw looking at her broke his heart. "You're sick. Where else could I be? Why didn't you tell me something was wrong?"

She glowered at him and Bellamy didn't blame her in the least. 

"Look, I messed up. I wanted to-"

"I'm tired, Bellamy. It's been a long day. I'm not doing this with you."

"Please Clarke, I want to explain-"

"I said I'm tired." She got up and walked around where he'd dropped to his knees at the bedside to examine her. 

He clenched his fists and watched her pass, his jaw ticking. He wanted nothing more than to hug her and explain. He wanted to tell her that he realized he'd been wrong. He wanted to apologize. He wanted her to yell at him, then tell him what was happening with her and what she needed him to do to help. Bellamy wanted to fix what he knew he'd damaged between them.

Instead, he took a seat in the nearby chair. He was silent as she opened several tubs, peeking into each, ignoring him completely, their lighting still only the remanent of the sunset through the material of the tent. 

Bellamy knew he deserved this. He'd ignored her first, hadn't he? What he wanted wasn't the point now. He had hurt Clarke when she needed his help the most. Short of leaving her, Bellamy was willing to do whatever it took for her to forgive him. And she would. They'd forgiven each other everything, things no one else could have ever gotten past or understood. He would never believe they'd gotten to a place they couldn't come back from.

So Bellamy forced himself to stay in his seat, every muscle tense, and all the words he wanted to say choking his throat. 

Clarke didn't want to hash things out right now? Fine. He could wait.

He observed her as she puttered around, seemingly looking for something. She was so pale, and he could see the sheen of cold sweat from across the room even in the low light. There was a permanent smudge of black around her nostrils, stained from her blood. She looked weak on her feet and was far too thin. A machine was strapped on her, wires taped to her head and a collar on her neck that looked enough like the shock collars used on the Eligius to have him significantly concerned. Across her chest were marks he couldn't make sense of. They were streaked and overlapping and uneven, mostly shallow with a few exceptions. How had she gotten that? Raven had said there were unknown predators in the forest. Has something attacked her? 

He would find out. When she was ready they would talk and she'd forgive him. She'd get better and he'd take her home. Clarke would live next door to him with Madi and they would build a bright future for their people together. He only needed to be patient. She deserved the time. Everything would be alright.

Bellamy repeated that to himself over and over.

Clarke stalked near-ish him and tossed a bedroll at his chest. He caught it and wasn't surprised when she ignored his thanks. He chose to take it as a good sign. She didn't want him sleeping on the dirt-packed ground without a blanket. She would forgive him, eventually. She had to.

\---

Bellamy stood in the fighting pit, Indra and Gaia dead at his feet. No one had stopped them and now he was drenched in their blood. They weren't the only ones. Surrounding them, so many they were strewn all the way up to the top of the curved stairwell, were the victims of the Trikru massacre. Sightless eyes all watching him, their murderer. There was movement from above as someone began walking down the staircase, picking their way through the piles of corpses. Bellamy felt his heart drop as he saw it was Octavia. Not the fierce Octavia of the present. No, it was little Octavia of the past; the girl under the floor. She was joined by Madi and the girls made their way toward him slowly, observing the many kills he'd made along the way. When they came to a stop before him they were looking at him with both fear and grim determination. They were looking at him as if he was a monster. They were in the fighting pits; they wanted to fight. Bellamy dropped his weapons, knowing he could never hurt them and knowing they were right; he was a monster that needed to be stopped. He closed his eyes, feeling them getting closer, waiting.

He opened his eyes, escaping the nightmare he'd had so many times before. Madi was a more recent addition but it was always the same. Laying awake he stared at the ceiling of Gabriel's tent, knowing it would be a while before his mind would let him drift off again. That particular nightmare was one that lingered. He'd become a nightmare expert through the years, always adding to his collection. 

While he waited, Bellamy noticed a noise. It was quiet, barely there. It was the whisper of an animal caught in a trap, struggling to get free. As it came again Bellamy propped himself up on his elbows, frowning. 

"Clarke?" he whispered harshly into the dark. He didn't want to wake her if she was sleeping peacefully but if that noise was coming from her... "Clarke?" he tried again, louder. And then again, even louder. He was still debating on whether he should go over and check, just to be sure, when Clarke sat straight up. For a moment he thought he’d woken her and she was reacting to that but in the darkness the thrashing movements she made had him popping to his feet and at her bedside in a breath. 

“What are you-“ Then he saw. She was clawing at herself. Clarke was dragging her nails across her chest, breaking skin, adding to the wounds he’d tried to make sense of before. He captured her hands at once, trying to keep them still as she struggled. “Clarke, stop!” Transferring the hold of both of her wrists to one hand, Bellamy used the other to snake behind her neck, firmly pulling her hair with as much gentleness as he could, directing her face towards his. “Clarke. Wake. Up. Do you hear me? Clarke, I need you to wake up.” 

He could tell the moment that she did. All of the fight left her and she sagged, head falling against his collarbone. Her entire body trembled and Bellamy released her wrists to wrap an arm around her shoulders. He softly shushed her and rocked her, at a loss of what else to do and frankly terrified. 

Bellamy had tried to protect Clarke as much as he could since the beginning. Even when he failed, he’d tried. Now what was he supposed to do? How could her protect her from the past? The demons in her own mind? 

When she minutely pulled back Bellamy helped her sit on her own, releasing the hold on the nape of her neck. He’d barely begun to search her face, the silent tears pouring from her eyes and the- 

“I bled all over you, sorry.” 

It was true. Bellamy huffed softly at the ridiculousness of her into the night around them. He grabbed the nearby tissue and handed it to her gently.

“Yes Clarke, because that’s my top concern right now.” He tried to catch her eye but she kept her gaze directed at her lap. “Can you talk about it?” She shook her head. The stream of tears under her eyes increased. “This is how you got the other marks?” She nodded, bringing her hands up to cover her face. 

He’d seen Clarke cry more times than he wanted to count over the years. She could say the same of him. They’d led hards lives together. It had always gutted him but this was even worse. They’d found peace, dammit. Their people were safe. She was safe. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be.

“Can you go back to sleep? Will it come back?” 

“I don’t know,” she croaked. “This one is new.” 

Bellamy’s heart sank. It wasn’t hard to guess what new trauma had inspired this. Had she been having them the entire time? He should have known. He should have been there, paying attention. 

“Ok. It’s ok.” Bellamy moved the pillow behind her closer to the wall. 

He’d only known what was happening because he’d been woken by his own nightmare. Hers had been nearly entirely silent. What if he hadn’t been awake? How long would she have gone on, panicking and scratching, if he hadn’t intervened? He knew damn well she wouldn’t have told him about it in the morning. There was only one reasonable choice. 

“I’m going to stay right here with you, ok? Just in case. If it comes back I’ll stop it, I promise. I’ll be right here.” 

With surprising complacently Clarke allowed Bellamy to shift her over. She laid on her back and he on his side, facing her from the edge of Gabriel’s bed, tucking his arm under his head as a pillow. For a split second Bellamy thought it could be weird, doing this. He dismissed it immediately. It was Clarke. They’d slept side by side in bedrolls, shoulder to shoulder in caves, back to back in the Rover on long expeditions. This was no different, other than this time he had a purpose. 

They were like that for a while before he heard her whisper, “Thank you.” 

“Don’t mention it, princess. You need sleep to get better, and you need to get better to come home. Rest. I’m right here.” He felt her hair on his elbow as she nodded. 

As he lay awake on guard duty, Bellamy raked himself over the coals. What he thought was nothing new only now he had tangible proof. The whole time she’d needed him and he’d abandoned her to face her nightmares alone. 

After several hours the peaceful sounds of nature beyond the tent and rhythm of Clarke’s breathing began to drag Bellamy under. He fought it as hard as he could but he knew that without getting up it was a losing battle. He wasn’t going to leave his post, so that wasn’t an option. 

Already half asleep but trying his best to be mindful, Bellamy carefully placed his hand on Clark’s upper chest, thumb and finger spanning her collarbone. If she sat up, he would know it. If she started clawing she’d have to get through him first.

Bellamy stood in the fighting pit, Indra and Gaia dead at his feet. No one had stopped them and now he was drenched in their blood. They weren't the only ones. Surrounding them, so many they were strewn all the way up to the top of the curved stairwell, were the victims of the Trikru massacre. Sightless eyes all watching him, their murderer. There was movement from above as someone began walking down the staircase, picking their way through the piles of corpses.

Before he could see who it was, Clarke stepped into view. She took his hands and began to clean them, each by turn, wiping the blood on them off with her own. When she couldn’t get anymore, their hands equally coated and his lesser for it, she met his eyes with sad, soft understanding. She wrapped her arms around his neck in an embrace and he pushed every bit of his angst into the strength of his hold on her. She took every bit of it without complaint and without letting go. He buried his head into her hair and was overcome with the familiar scent of Clarke. 

He stayed in that hug, resting peacefully, for the rest of the night.


	5. Clarke

Clarke woke up and immediately regretted it.

She thought longingly of yesterday morning, covered in dirt and blood, traumatizing poor Simon.

Today, before she even opened her eyes, she knew she was next to Bellamy. She hadn’t gotten her bearings yet - it always took her a moment - he was simply too familiar to be anyone else.

His huge mass was curled up by her side, face pressed against her hair, the heat of his slow steady breaths fanning her scalp. Even worse, she quickly identified the heavy, comforting warmth across her chest as his hand. With each rise and fall of her lungs, she felt the soft scrape of calluses and scars, the breadth of his hand covering the entirety of it. Covering her heart, protecting it throughout the night.

Clarke did her best to stay perfectly still, her body limp, her breathing unaffected, as she cried.

She felt like her thoughts were fading in and out, likely trying to escape on their own the stupid and overwhelming situations she kept putting them through. She couldn't help recalling the night before with perfect clarity, unfortunately.

Her nightmare had come back, that fresh new level of hell she’d found. It had hurt. It had hurt so badly that even now the memory of it felt like torture. She’d needed to get it out, she had to make it stop, it hurt too badly to take. Barely conscious she’d dimly fought hands getting in her way, dimly heard words. Then in the span of a blink, it changed. All at once she heard Bellamy as he said he needed her to wake up, felt his hand in her hair, saw his face so close to hers in the dark and so worried. Her first thought had been ‘I love you.’

Clarke had collapsed against him, biting the inside of her cheek so hard it bled to keep those words in.

Bellamy had held her and rocked her while she cried, every moment worse than the last.

When she’d pulled away it had been with the intention of breaking the intimacy. She’d lamely mentioned that she’d bled on him, which was true, utterly at a loss of what other mundane thing she could say to fill the silence. He’d asked her about the dreams and she’d tried to focus the best she could on answering, but her mind was half nightmare and half him, finally covering her face with the childish hope that he would go away if she couldn't see him.

She had no excuse for letting him stay with her other than a flash of weakness. The dream coming back frightened her and he promised to keep it away. It was second nature to believe him when he promised something. More importantly, she hadn't wanted to be alone. She'd been so, so alone for weeks and the idea of having someone stay with her had her agreeing on a longing impulse. When she'd calmed down enough to get her thoughts together she realized how stupid she'd been but it was too late. He was already there and she already felt better with him by her side. Knowing it was only another compassionate act from a selfless man didn't give her the strength to demand he leave. Instead, she’d thanked him in the dark and repeated to herself over and over again that it wasn't real anymore, reminding herself of all of her recent days alone, until sleep took her.

All of that led them there. Her crying silently, already toying with the edge of sanity, next to the man she loved who would never love her back. She’d meant it when she said she couldn’t stand it if he came after her. This was the perfect example. He’d been there one night and her already shattered heart was being smashed to dust.

Clarke was debating how to escape, wishing she'd brought Lexa's dagger to bed so she could cut a hole in Gabriel's tent and roll out that way, when Bellamy woke up. She'd slept next to him often enough to know the routine. First, a groan of regret that he was awake. Then his entire body stiffening as he stretched from head to foot. The next step would have been rolling onto his back and stretching his arms out, but thank god for Gabriel and his bed-for-one, because when Bellamy rolled over he hit the ground, hard.

It wasn't that Clarke enjoyed his grunt of pain and surprise. However, she didn't not-enjoy it either. She'd told him not to follow her. What truly made her happy was that he wasn't conscious enough to realize how they were laying until he was already gone, and was immediately distracted enough that she could wipe at her eyes without him noticing.

When he did look at her he visibly paled.

"Clarke- Your- Your-“

Given the direction of his gaze she wiped her hand across her lower face and- Oh. Wow. That was... That was less than ideal.

Clarke had seemed to stop noticing the bleeding as much lately; it was so constant. This seemed like too much for it to have reasonably gone unnoticed. This was no trickle she could wipe away. When she sat up and the room swam before her eyes she realized that she might not be holding up as well as she thought.

She blinked several times, so slowly, trying to orient herself.

"Tell me what to do."

She, so slowly, dragged her eyes to where Bellamy was kneeling before her. The wide-eyed look of horror on his face was one she knew well enough to gauge how bad it was. She also noticed the shoulder of his shirt was soaked with black blood from sleeping next to her.

"The blood bags." She waved towards the life-ruining table.

Bellamy grabbed the satchel they were in quickly, dropped once more before her, pulled out the tubing, the sealed needle case, every movement sure and measured. He tied off her arm and when everything was ready held the IV needle out to her, knowing she preferred to do it herself.

She tried. She tried to focus especially hard, at one point closing an eye to see if that would help, but she could not hit a vein. Slower than it should have, pieces clicked into place. "I think I'm going into shock due to blood loss," Clarke explained calmly, meeting Bellamy's intense stare. "It's causing some circulatory collapse and it will be hard to find a vein. I'm going to lie back and breathe. I need you to take this," she handed the needle back over, "and I need you to find a vein. You might have to wiggle the needle and dig; it's ok. If you can't get one in my arm try the back of my hand. You got that?"

"I'll get it. What do I do after that?"

Clarke gingerly lowered herself back on the bed. "Get the blood IV going. I'm fine just running low. I should have done this last night. If I pass out there is an emergency beacon in my pocket; push it and Gabriel will send help."

"What? This is an emergency. We need help now."

"We've been through a lot worse than this. We'll be fine."

"Oh for gods-" Bellamy began checking her pockets and when he found the beacon pressed it hard and then over and over again. He only dropped it to take up her arm and the needle. Clarke turned her head away more for his sake than her own.

It was painful. There was no denying that. She did her best to keep any noises from escaping. Bellamy was surely freaking out enough; there was no need to make it worse.

"It's done." At his words, she rolled her head back towards him. Sure enough, his face was close to stoic but his overly expressive eyes were full of panic. "Everything is going to be ok. Help is coming. What do I do now?"

He looked so upset she took mercy on him and gave him a task. "Some water would be nice."

When he brought it he put the cup up to her lips, sliding a hand under her head to help lift it enough to drink. That made her heart pang, which made her pissed. Dammit, she told him not to come.

She'd dropped her head back to the pillow and closed her eyes, hoping to let the daze of bloodloss takeover and make her forget who was there with her. It was impossible to do with him hovering but she did her best.

The rumble of a dirt bike approaching was like music to her ears. She still didn't think they needed help, but a distraction was definitely in order.

When the tent flaps opened Clarke was surprised to see Gabriel.

"You said you'd send help. I didn't think you meant yourself. You shouldn't have wasted the trip; I know how busy you are. I'm fine." She pointed at the blood bag Bellamy had suspended on the wrack above the bed. "You called it, by the way. Congratulations."

While she'd been speaking Bellamy had moved out of the way to give Gabriel room to examine her. 

"I'll save my 'I told you so' for later," he said as he lifted one eyelid to shine a light into it. "What happened?"

"I bled a lot during the night. I should have topped off before going to bed. It was my mistake. I'll be fine in a little while."

Gabriel pursed his lips at that. "Did anything trigger the higher volume? Did you use the journal I gave you?"

"No, sorry. Didn't get a chance to." Clarke knew full well she was never going to use that journal. It was one thing to draw what she was thinking or feeling. To put a pen to paper? That made her thoughts real. She'd have to sit and deliberately pay attention to them. They'd be recorded somewhere; evidence someone would surely use against her. Writing down her inner thoughts was never going to happen.

"And the trigger? Did anything happen that could have caused this?"

"I had a bad dream but that's all."

"That's all? She had a nightmare; a bad one. It had to have caused it."

"No one asked you, Bellamy."

"I'm so sorry for being honest with your doctor. How are you going to get better if you don't tell him everything? It's nothing to be ashamed of. We've all had them."

While they bickered Gabriel had continued to assess Clarke. Then he looked at the blood-soaked bed. He looked at Bellamy's damp shoulder. He looked at Clarke's face, who saw him connect the dots and silently begged him not to mention it.

"Alright, thank you for the information. I was going to wait for a twenty-four-hour read on your scan but I'm going to check it now, see what we see." Gabriel began removing the wires and collar, catching Clarke's eye with a sympathetic glance as he worked. He knew and wasn't going to say anything."While I do, please rest. If you feel any symptoms please let me know."

When Gabriel stepped away Bellamy moved back to her side and Clarke closed her eyes and faced the ceiling once more.

"I'm sorry but he needs to know anything that could help. I need you to get better." She didn't acknowledge him and could feel him shifting beside her, moving closer. "Look, the past few weeks... I was stupid and-"

Clarke's eyes flicked open and met his with a glare. "Do I look like I'm in the mood to discuss that right now? Because I assure you, I am not."

Bellamy began searching her face and Clarke turned away again.

"I'll wait until you're ready to talk about it, but we do need to talk about it. In the meantime please know that I'm sorry and you deserve better."

Clarke's heart lurched and she felt the sting of tears in her eyes. Damn him. The worst part was he probably meant it. He meant it because she was sick and looked pathetic. If she popped up right now and they headed back together, how long would it take for things to go back to the way they were? A day? Two? Nothing would change. She couldn't live like that.

He didn't say anything further and Clarke was grateful. She couldn't stand to hear anymore.

When she sensed the movement of Gabriel returning Clarke opened her eyes and for the second time that day regretted it. Gabriel's face was grim to say the least.

"We have a problem. Looking at your neural scan... I honestly don't know how you've been functioning at the level you have been for this amount of time. Even with the shorted observation window there was a recordable level of deterioration. What's wrong isn't physical or mental strain at all. It's all emotional; your emotional response to everything. That includes your experiences of other types of strain and why it looked like they could be triggering it. Your entire limbic system is compromised."

Bellamy was the first to break the silence. "What does that mean?"

"It means Josephine was in your head for too long. Your minds were too were entangled, far beyond anything else we've ever seen, especially in the part of your brain that regulates memory and emotion. Your neural pathways are- They're a mess, Clarke. That interconnected part of your mind controls more than emotional responses; it's memory retrieval, environmental response, motivation, judgment, hell, your hormones. The limbic system is vital to brain function and that’s where the bleeding and dizzy spells are coming from; a reaction to significant function failure. I don't know another way to say this: a key part of your brain has been running on safety-pins and stubbornness. And it's going to get worse, not better. That being said, we have options."

"That...sucks," Clarke said in synch with Bellamy asking, "what options?"

"Well, one is visiting the Primes lab. I don't know if they'll have what it takes to address the issue but I know we certainly don't here." One look at Clarke and he grimaced, already knowing it was off the table. "The other option is... Riskier. However, I believe it will work or I wouldn't bring it up. It will require repeatedly applying an electric shock to your brain-" Clarke was nodding to go on. "While under the effects of Red Sun toxin." And that was a no.

"Why isn't the Primes lab an option? That sounds like the easy choice."

Clarke and Gabriel stared at one another and when she didn't speak he bit the bullet. “Clarke won't go into the building."

"What?" Bellamy's disbelief was first directed at Gabriel, then turned on her. "You've got to be kidding me. We're going in there. Gabriel, how do we go about transporting her back? Is it safe to go by the bike, do you have a stretcher, what are-"

"Bellamy." When he glanced back at her she repeated her earlier phrase, emphasizing every syllable. "Nobody asked you."

It was like she punched him in the gut. For a moment he was nothing but wounded but then his mulishness took over. "You don't need to ask me. Since when have we needed permission to save each other? I'm not letting you die, I'm especially not letting you die over something so stupid, and then I'm taking you home."

He still didn't understand and she didn't know how to explain it to him. The brain thing was bad. She needed to figure that out. However, it wasn't her only danger.

Peace had already been killing her. A lack of purpose had already been killing her.

Bellamy Blake was going to kill her.

She wasn't going down that easily. "I need you to leave."

"Are you out of your mind? I'm not going anywhere. You don't have to go through this alone.”

"And I'm asking you to leave."

Bellamy ran a frustrated hand down his face, trying to find the words. "Clarke, I trust you with everything. I trust you with my life. I don't trust you with yours. You're always running at danger, willing to sacrifice yourself first or die over your damn principles. I'm not going to let you-"

"Who am I sacrificing myself for?" Clarke waved around the room, demonstrating it's utter emptiness. "What danger am I running towards? More importantly, you don't get to 'let' me do anything. This has nothing to do with you, and I want you to leave."

"Has nothing to do with me," he scoffed, rolling his eyes. When he turned back and saw she was serious, his expression turned tortured. "Forgive me. You have to forgive me. I forgave you about Polis without-"

"So I owe you forgiveness?"

"That's not what I mean. What I'm trying to say is- We always- You're always going to be my business. You have to forgive me and get better. We need you.”

Clarke wished she could believe him. She did. But she couldn’t. Bellamy could say whatever he wanted; he'd shown her otherwise already. The settlement he'd intentionally created without her, the family he’d made out of their friends without her, all that time not thinking about her or what she was going through, made it perfectly clear exactly how much he 'needed her.'

"You'll figure it out," she said instead. There was no point discussing it any further. "Now, I need you to leave. I can handle this on my own."

"No! No, you can't and no, I won’t. If you can’t forgive me right now, fine. That doesn’t mean I’m going to leave you to die, especially when you’re dying out of stubbornness. It’s my job to protect you, even if it’s from yourself.”

“Since when? Since when has that been your job? When did I ask you to do that?”

“You never had to ask.”

“Guys,” Gabriel interrupted, hands up like he was crossing a war zone, “I’m sure that this is important but in case you didn’t notice Clarke is bleeding significantly more now. I think it can wait.”

Clarke took the tissue Gabriel offered and turned to him, dismissing Bellamy without having to say a word. He did not take the hint, crossing his arms and settling back for the discussion on what to do.

Gabriel's voice was gentle. “I understand your issue with the lab. I also think it is the best choice by far. If you won’t go and we have to do the Red Sun-“

“That’s not happening.”

“You’ve got to give me something to work with. I want to save your life. Meet me halfway. I promise you, the Red Sun toxin is extremely diluted and it will be in a controlled setting.”

“I’m so grateful for all that you’re doing for me, but you don’t understand. I can’t.”

“Of course you can. None of us liked the Red Sun or what we-“ Bellamy began, but Gabriel held a hand up to stop him.

“How bad was it?”

Clarke tried to keep her voice level but it was hard. “Really bad. The worst. I’m sorry, I know I’m making your life hard and that’s not my intention. I… Can’t." Bellamy placed a hand on her leg and Clarke couldn’t decide if it was the most comforting thing in the world or if it hurt enough to kick it away. She ended up letting him leave it.

“Well, this ultimately comes down to one decision: do you want to live or die?”

Gabriel’s question took Clarke’s breath away. She hadn't seen this situation as black and white as that. Usually when the choice came down to 'fight or die' there was someone to fight. In the following pause, the comforting grip of Bellamy’s hand became tighter, silently begging her to pick the right choice. It went without saying which she’d choose. She might be miserable, but she’d been miserable before; that didn’t mean anything. She’d gone through too much to lay down and die now.

”What’s in the Primes lab will fix it?”

“I can’t promise you that. I can promise it’s our best chance.”

“Is there any way you can keep me sedated the entire time?”

Gabriel took her hands into his, squeezing them to underline his sincerity. “I will do everything I can. There is a possibility you will need to be awake so your conscious neural activity is present.”

"I can't do that. I can't see that place."

"I'll do everything I can to prevent it. Do you trust me?"

Clarke nodded and kept her eyes averted as the two men packed up for their return journey.

The trip back was worse than the trip there, which seemed to be an ongoing theme.

Knowing the extent of what was wrong, Gabriel shared Bellamy’s concern about her riding on the back of a dirt bike through the bumpy terrain. Clarke had insisted she could walk by herself and was begrudgingly grateful when Bellamy took her side over Gabriel’s protests. He was also conveniently the one right behind her when a dizzy spell hit. He scooped her up and kept walking without a word. When they reached Sanctum Gabriel deactivated the radiation fence and Bellamy carried her all the way into town. As they entered the busy city center people began staring at them, pointing, wondering to one another what was going on. Clarke tucked her head in the crook of Bellamy’s neck, deeply embarrassed. He pressed his cheek to the crown of her head briefly and sped up his pace to a near jog until they reached the palace.

When they arrived there was an entirely new and unexpected problem. When Gabriel showed them to a nearby room for privacy and briefly ducked away, none other than John Murphy strolled in.

“I heard you crazy kids were-" When he froze Clarke met his eyes and was surprised to see what looked like real concern in them. “What happened?”

“Long story,” Bellamy said, lifting his chin so it would be easier for her to disappear under it again, which she did.

“Can you shorten it for me? Because I really feel like-"

"Not now, Murphy."

“We’re ready.” 

Gabriel returned with a tranquilizer in hand. "This will knock you out now. When we get in there I'll put you under proper sedation." 

Clarke readily held out her arm to receive it. No point delaying the dreaded.

It kicked in fast and she was gone in an instant.

\----

It was not her day. 

Clarke blinked against the weight of her eyelids. When she managed to open them Murphy was standing over her.

"She's here, folks."

She tried to sit up only to find her wrists were strapped down, as was her head. Instinctively trying to kick, feeling trapped, she found her ankles were bound too. 

"Clarke, Clarke, hey, it's ok." Bellamy's face replaced Murphy's. "You're ok. You're safe."

"What is happ-" Before she could finish her question she saw enough of the room behind him to know the answer. "No, no, no, no, no. No! Gabriel! Gabriel!"

"I'm right here," the man's voice came from out of her line of sight. "I'm sorry. This is what we have to do. Bellamy, get her talking." 

"Clarke, look at me, it's alright." Bellamy put his hand on her cheek directing her face towards his. "You're going to be fine. I'm going to take you to Madi. She misses you. Think about Madi. Tell me about her."

"I can tell you she was tortured in this seat." Bellamy's head jerked back. "That's right, you weren't here for that part, were you? You weren't here for a lot. I have to get out of this room. I can't, I can't-"

"Your hyperventilating. You have to breathe. This will be over soon. Breathe," Gabriel instructed from wherever the hell he was.

"Tell me about it then. I wasn't here, you're right. Tell me." 

"They strapped her down and they took her bone marrow. They were going to kill her for it. They were going to take it all like Mount Weather. My mom- my mom-"

"Breathe, Clarke."

"She made herself into a nightblood to save Madi. Even knowing what they did to nightbloods, what they'd done to me. That's how they stole her body. She made herself a target. They killed her here. And I know, I know what that was like. They killed me here too. They put me right here and they put a needle in me and I died and the last thing I was ever going to see was Russel looking down at me."

"I'm sorry. I should have taken you and Madi the minute I knew. I didn't keep you safe. I'm so sorry."

Clarke barely heard him, losing her mind to this place, exactly like she knew she would.

"I pretended to be Josephine in front of my mom. I broke her heart. And now she's dead. She told me to be better, but I'm not, I can't be. I'm too far gone and now she can't bring me back. I'm lost, I'm lost, I'm lost-"

"You're not lost. You're right here with me."

"Don't lie to me. Not here. You're as gone as she is, but worse, because you chose it. She wouldn't have left. I can't take it. I can't take- Gabriel! Gabriel, please, I don't want to be here. You said I didn't have to be here."

"I'm so sorry. I'm going as fast as I can. Bellamy, keep going. Something positive."

"Clarke, tell me about Shallow Valley. Tell me about living there with Madi."

She made a sound that was almost like a dark laugh but more like a wheezed bark, squeezing her eyes shut tight, wishing she was anywhere else. "You want me to pretend that was all sunshine and rainbows. You want me to make you feel better about those years, like always. 

"Did you know there were days I couldn't feed her, Bellamy? She told you I called you every day. Did she also tell you in winter some of those were begging for an answer of how the hell I was going to hunt and scavenge and preserve enough to feed us on my own? Think of Octavia. Think of how you would have felt lying next to her at night and her stomach growling so hard you could feel it. I would give her everything we had and it still wouldn't be enough. 

"I love Madi with my whole heart and I tried. God, I tried. We were happy we were together. I tried to keep us that way, positive, saying things were going to get better. You were going to come back. We weren't going to die without seeing anyone else ever again and someday we wouldn't have to worry so much. Then you didn't come. When you did, everything I thought..." She gave that horrible laugh again. "It was worse. Everything got so much worse. 

"The most pathetic part of it all - more than the radio and the waiting and the imagining how things were going to be - was that I'm still glad your back. I still miss you. And I hate you for that. As much as I love you I hate you for making me miss you and making me want to forgive you. I don't want to forgive you. I shouldn't want to forgive you. I hate you for that. I hate you, I hate you-"

"Doc, are you about done?" Murphy asked from somewhere in the room.

"Almost. I've almost got it all. Keep her talking."

"Bellamy, let me take a turn. I think you need a break."

"No, no. I deserve- she has the right to-"

"Bellamy, stop."

"Keep her talking," Gabriel snapped.

"Hey there, princess," Murphy said. Clarke kept her eyes closed but she could feel Bellamy's hand leave her cheek, Murphy's voice coming from where his had. "Long time no talk. Ready to tear me a new one? I'm here. Let's do this."

Clarke tried to shake her head, belatedly remembering she was strapped down. 

"Oh, come on. You're that mad at Bellamy, but not me? My feelings are hurt. I was more of a dick to you for longer. I deserve some credit. Lay it on me."

"I never expected you to like or forgive me. I get why you don't want me around; you never have. I don't expect anything else from you."

"I made a deal with the Primes. It's my fault you're like this. If I told the others about Josephine they could have done something about it sooner."

"Survivors move. You're the one who got Bellamy to make the deal that would have saved our people if I hadn't ruined it by living. I meant it. I really am proud of you."

"Dammit, come on. Getting you riled up is my thing. This is my time to shine. You're making me look bad."

"Get her talking or let Bellamy go again."

"Ok, ok. Uhm. I was with you when Lexa died. We were in the tower at Polis and that Flamekeeper asshole shot her. I'm sorry that happened. Anyone could see how much you meant to each other. Tell me about Lexa. Tell me what she was like when not scaring the crap out people."

The strangest thing of the day was that she did. Clarke told Murphy, of all people, about how brave Lexa was. A visionary. Strong, smart, compassionate. When she was talking about how much she missed her, Clarke was sure she was imagining it when she felt his hand on hers. She still wouldn't open her eyes so she supposed she'd never know.

Gabriel's voice came from closer than before. "Ok, I think we're good. Clarke, I'm going to put you back under and keep you that way for a while to give your mind some time to regenerate. I'm... I truly am sorry."

Before she had time to reply she felt herself drifting off into oblivion.


	6. Bellamy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Story Note:  
> This is VERY much from Bellamy's perspective. The next from Clarke's will illuminate a lot of what's happening here. Also, just because they are taking forever to get together does not mean it's going to take forever for their lives to get messy again. That's Clarke's time to shine and the girl deserves it, as backward as that logic may be.
> 
> Personal Note:  
> As always, I have been completely, utterly, entirely blown away by the kindness and support from everyone on here. This was so scary and I absolutely never would have imagined anything like your responses. Thank you again and again.

"Bellamy? Clarke knew you would come." The words played on repeat in his mind. It had been the first thing Madi had ever said to him. 

Naturally, after their first steps back on the ground their group from The Ring were going to be killed and they had no idea why. Before that could happen a little girl had come out of the shadows. She saved their lives in a matter of seconds, spearing one man and shooting the other. Then she'd looked at him. With so much hope she'd said, "Bellamy? Clarke knew you would come."

Knowing all he did now, it haunted him.

Bellamy declined Gabriel's offer to get a stretcher for Clarke after her procedure. It didn't matter that he was tired after carrying her through the wilderness. She wasn't a heavy burden for him to bear. Bellamy gently lifted her then didn't move for a long minute, staring down at the seat he'd pulled her out of.

He'd said she was being stubborn by not wanting to come to the Primes lab. He told her he wouldn't let her die over something so stupid. He said that, not once bothering to think of why someone as strong as Clarke would be so adamant. Bellamy stared at that spot and it didn't take much to put himself in her shoes. She'd been as good as murdered there. Her mother had been murdered there. Her daughter had almost been murdered there. Her only family, the two people she loved the most and couldn't stand to be without. One of which she'd never see again after entering that room. And with his perception narrowed to only see how they were going to fix her he'd told her she was being stubborn and her unwillingness to enter was stupid. 

Turning away he carried her back to the palace, Gabriel leading silently. Bellamy wiped his eyes before picking her up and tried to keep his composure until they got to her room but it was a near thing.

He hadn't needed to introduce himself to Madi that first night. None of them had. Clarke had shown her each of their faces, telling her stories about them so they'd seem real. She'd been trying to make herself and Madi feel less alone, like the rest of them were there in a way. Clarke had told Madi that someday they were going to come back and things would get easier. That they - Bellamy shuddered at the thought, the sound of Clarke's voice as she said it - they wouldn't have to worry about winter or loneliness. Then they'd come back and made everything worse. 

Clarke had kept all of that from him since he'd returned to the ground. As if her sacrifice during Praimfaya wasn't enough, she sacrificed the story of how they'd survived to protect him from feeling guilty for leaving her behind. She'd only admitted to it in a fit of hysterical truth while tied up in her version of hell.

When they reached the room Gabriel had given her the man opened the door with a solemn nod and walked away, his entire body stiff. He hated what they'd done to her too. Bellamy had seen the effort he'd put into keeping Clarke under. Sending micro-electric shocks to the areas of her brain mutated by Josephine's consciousness trying to take over, he'd eventually reached a dead-end of what could be done without Clarke's mind fully active. He'd met Bellamy's eyes and told him: "If I do this and it works, she'll live and maybe forgive us. If it doesn't, she's going to die soon and be angry the whole time."

After kicking the door closed behind him, Bellamy lowered Clarke onto her bed, afterward fussing with the pillows and pulling a blanket over her as if she could feel anything through the heavy sedative Gabriel had dosed her with. Unable to find anything else to do, he'd dragged over a chair and settled in to sit vigil until she awoke.

In the deafening silence, all he could hear were the ways she'd torn him to shreds in the last day.

The loop of, "Bellamy? Clark knew you would come," was joined by the pained whisper of her trapped in her nightmare, her telling him not to come after her over the radio, saying she was none of his business in the tent, that agonized laugh when he asked about Shallow Valley, the hopelessness when she said she was lost. 

That she loved him, and hated him, and missed him, and didn't want to forgive him.

Under the worry he'd had about her being alright, his deep regret at how he treated her, and the fervent need to have her with them, the whole time she'd been gone Bellamy's subconscious had been sitting on a tack. Clarke leaving him in the night to return to Sanctum brought back some of his darkest times with her. When she left him after Mount Weather, left him in Polis for Lexa, left him in Polis in the fighting pit. The pain and frustration and anger had been there, put on hold and pushed down until he'd found her and was sure she was safe. His guilt had been key in keeping those feelings in check but in the back of his mind he'd known they were there. 

Watching her now he knew no matter how hurt he felt he had no right to it. Despite his intrinsic need to look out for her, there was a solid argument to be made that no one had hurt Clarke more than he had over the years.

He'd put the Flame into Madi's head despite Clarke's fierce objection. The slap she'd given him for it wasn't enough knowing that what he'd done had led to Sheidheda nearly killing Madi. More than that, he'd had a front-row seat of the girl's deterioration. When Madi talked about her detailed plan on how to slaughter the Primes he should have set aside time to pay attention to her. During that same conversation when Jordan had asked about saving his girlfriend and was given a gently worded 'no', he'd said that Bellamy only cared about saving Clarke. It took until things were over to realize it was true. He'd been so worried about Clarke that he had overlooked taking care of Madi. What she would, without question, have wanted him to do.

In the lab Murphy had said what she was going through was his fault but the truth was it was Bellamy's. He'd known nightbloods were at risk and he didn't protect her. More than that, there had been so many clues Clarke wasn't herself and he'd missed them all. Her letting Madi go to school despite the risks, calling Murphy 'John', her little dance party with the doctor, taking sides with the Primes when they found out about the body-snatching. He should have pulled a gun the moment the phrase 'chill out' came out of her mouth. If anyone was to blame for Josephine inhabiting Clarke for so long it was him.

Then there was the matter of Russel.

The night he'd made the deal to forgo revenge after they'd murdered Clarke in exchange for a safe compound for their people he hadn't slept, trying to learn how to live with himself. Bellamy knew he was not only betraying her but also betraying the man he thought he was; the old Bellamy would have never made that bargain. The Bellamy he'd once been would have stood with conviction by his loyalty and never consider making a deal with the devil no matter the benefits. 

He sat near the lake at the spot the Red Sun had made him say he didn't need her anymore and strangle her. If not for Murphy intervening and Clarke's quick thinking he would have killed her himself. They hadn't talked about it afterward because they didn't need to. Surely she knew how big of a lie that was - they'd all done and said they hadn't meant that day - and he sincerely didn't know how to bring himself to acknowledge putting his hands on her that way. That logic was why he hadn't wanted to talk about Polis with her. There were things between them that didn't need to be delved into. Of course, being Clarke, she'd pressed on anyways. 

She'd said he was her family. And then he'd made a deal with the people who'd stolen her body and used it profanely.

The shocked horror and agony of realizing she wasn't Clarke after speaking Trig to her felt like being stabbed through the heart. Then he kept seeing her and speaking to her and it twisted the knife every time. Not to mention when Josephine propositioned him in Clarke's body, her voice twisted with false seduction, offering to 'help each other through' finding herself in the person he'd grown closest to since their descent to the ground. Hearing those words out of her mouth felt like a violation of the acutest kind.

Now by her side, scrubbing at his eyes in both physical and emotional exhaustion, Bellamy wondered how they'd move forward from where they found themselves. He was still certain that somehow, someway, Clarke would forgive him and time would bring them close again. They'd been through so much. She had to forgive him because if she didn't it would mean that their partnership was over and it wasn't. It couldn't. He couldn't even imagine it.

Bellamy repeated his mantra from the night before. If he said it often enough it would be true. 

When she was ready they would talk and she'd forgive him. She'd get better and he'd take her home. Clarke would live next door to him with Madi and they would build a bright future for their people together. He only needed to be patient. She deserved the time. Everything would be alright.

It wasn't until his eyes were blinking back open that Bellamy realized he'd drifted off. His gaze immediately fell on Clarke to find that she was still asleep, though now her rest was fitful. There was a crease between her brows and her fingers were twitching. Worried she was trapped in her nightmare, but not wanting to try to shake her out of her much needed recovery time, Bellamy stood. It was Clarke. Even if it was an empty hope it would help and maybe mostly wishful thinking on his part that he could do anything useful at all he had to try. She'd slept peacefully beside him the night before. 

These were the rationalizations he gave himself as he rounded the bedside, climbed on over the covers, and placed his hand across her chest as he had before. Clarke stilled, her frown smoothing back into tranquility. He took it as proof that, for her sake, he was doing the right thing. The fact that he felt such deep relief in feeling her beating heart under his hand, an assurance she was there and alive, wasn't the point after all. He was only doing it for her.

It had nothing to do with how in Gabriel's tent when hers stopped it felt like his sped double time to compensate. It hadn't felt real, as if he was simply in the worst of his nightmares and he'd surely wake up. He'd stayed frozen in disbelief, leaving Octavia to be the one urging Gabriel to find a way to bring her back. When Gabriel had said 'when the head stops telling the heart to beat it's over' it was the only thing Bellamy had heard with any clarity. It was almost as if their years together all widdled down to nothing more than preparation for that moment.

He couldn't... He wasn't ready to face what it had truly felt like when the others had thought she was gone for good. The only thing he would allow himself to recall clearly was the hug that followed when he'd held her far too hard for someone who had nearly... who had almost... He wasn't ready.

When Bellamy woke for the second time he'd been deep enough under to automatically groan in regret at waking. Before he even began stretching he knew he was next to Clarke. She was too familiar to be anyone else. 

Opening bleary eyes to glance at her before rolling away to stretch his arms, Bellamy quickly became alert at the sight of wet tear tracks. When he murmured her name she rolled her face towards him and Bellamy poured every bit of what he was feeling into the look he gave her. If she wouldn't let him say he was an idiot and sorry maybe she'd let him show it. Clarke ended up minutely shaking her head where it laid heavy on her pillow and turned to stare once more at the ceiling.

"Clarke-"

"Where's Gabriel?" she asked, trying to sit up. Bellamy belatedly realized he'd still been resting his hand on her and removed it, shooting upright to place a supporting arm around her shoulders. He winced but was unsurprised when she shrugged it off. "Is it better? Was it worth it?"

"He seemed to think it went well. I'm sorry we had to-"

"Will you get him?"

"I... Yeah. Yeah, sure. I'll be right back." Bellamy hopped off of the bed. "Do you need anything else? Food, water, anything?"

"Just Gabriel." As he cleared the room he barely caught her soft, "thank you."

A man on a mission, Bellamy stopped everyone he passed until he tracked down where Gabriel was holding a meeting. It was cute how the guard posted outside tried to get in his way.

"We need you," Bellamy said as he entered, throwing the door wide. It seemed like half of the people in the room were ready to protest but by the time they began Gabriel was already out of his seat and leaving, Murphy close behind.

"How is she?" Gabriel asked as they walked at a clipped pace.

"Ok? She wasn't awake for long. She asked for you right away."

"Good, good. Depending on how she seems I might need to sedate her again and I'd need to sooner rather than later."

"Good luck with that," Murphy said, earning himself a sharp glance from Bellamy. "Just stating the obvious."

Sure enough, when they entered the room Clarke was by the window overlooking the lower Sanctum fields.

"I take it you can see and stand alright." Gabriel shook his head. "I wish you would have found out when someone was here if that wasn't the case."

"I'm fine." 

Bellamy noticed the white knuckle grip she had on the windowsill and resisted the urge to order her back to bed. That would not go well. 

"I'll be the judge of that. Please take a seat so I can examine you."

"I said I'm fine. I also said not to tell Bellamy where I was and to not wake me up in that place."

Ouch.

She didn't turn as she said any of this and Bellamy wondered if she couldn't without falling. 

"Could we wait to argue until after I've medically cleared you? I suspect you'd rather be at full strength while yelling at me."

"I promise I can manage it now."

"I have no doubt," Gabriel approached and took Clarke's arm, entwining it with his own, giving her support to turn and make it back to bed without admitting she needed help. "For my sake give me a minute to brace myself." The two shared smiles; softly coy on his part and halfheartedly irritated on hers.

Bellamy should have thought of that. He'd pulled a similar move getting her to leave Gabriel's tent in the forest without a fight, knowing he'd end up carrying her without her having to ask him to. Now she tried to downplay the weakness of her limbs but it was clear she'd needed Gabriel's stabilizing arm and his strength to transfer her weight onto in order to walk back. Bellamy was glad the other man had already read Clarke enough to do that for her. 

Having Gabriel as an ally to achieve peace in their new world was necessary. Having him as an ally to watch over Clarke was equally welcome. She had never made it easy.

The thought he'd shared with Raven when they'd been in the Rover searching for Clarke came to mind. Everyone always assumed she'd be fine. She was the most resilient person they knew. Her surviving Josephine was only the most recent example. They seemed to forget she wasn't immortal.

He could attest to that fact more than anyone. When he'd thought she was stolen from them by Josephine. When they thought she was dead, lying on that table, not breathing- 

Bellamy snapped himself back into the present and realized he'd missed a good portion of Gabriel's exam. 

"Rest. That's the layman summary of my prognosis. You're doing surprisingly well given the circumstances but you are not healed by any means. You need to rest in order to recover. This isn't some burn or cut you can patch up and walk off. This is your brain we're talking about."

"I can't just sit here. I have to-"

"What? What do you have to do? What is more important than your life?"

Clarke looked around searching for an answer. For the first time, Bellamy saw it. He saw how lost she felt. 

"Thank you, Gabriel. I owe you. We'll take it from here. Any recommendations beside rest?" Bellamy asked, clapping a friendly and sincerely grateful hand on the man's shoulder. He was indebted to Gabriel for saving Clarke's life not once, but twice.

"You owe me nothing. You helped my people even once your own were safe. Even when they tried to kill you, you went out of your way to avoid doing them permanent harm. Not to mention," the man laid his hand on Clarke's arm and gave it a gentle squeeze, "I helped for my own sake as well. In over 200 years of life I've known many people. I've never met someone like you before," he told her. "The scientist in me wants to see what you'll do next."

"If you think saying nice things to me is going to make me forgive you, you're wrong."

"A note I'll add to my mental file on you," he said, eliciting a weak huff of laughter from Clarke. "For the record, I did say I'd ultimately act in the best interest of our alliance and in your best interest as my patient. Bringing Bellamy to you was both. Now rest. I'll check on you again soon."

Bellamy walked him to the door, making a request under his breath. Gabriel nodded and left.

"What are you doing here Murphy?" Clarke was asking by the time he turned back. 

The man had been leaning against the far wall, disappearing in his silence, observing everything. Now he sauntered towards her.

"What, a man can't visit an old friend without having his motives questioned?"

"When the man is you, yes."

"I'm wounded."

"I wish."

Their usual sparring held no real venom at the moment and Bellamy grinned as he watched them. If Clarke was up for her usual fighting with Murphy without any symptoms that had to be a good sign. They carried on for several minutes until Murphy, predictably, took it too far.

"So, running away in the night, huh? That's a bit cowardly for the Clarke I know and the masses fear."

Clarke's mouth opened to respond and then stalled, wordless.

"That's enough." Bellamy took several steps back into the room and Murphy held his hands up in mocking surrender. "Get out."

"Fine, fine. If you want to beat around the bush, be my guest." He turned back to Clarke as he rose, shooting her finger guns. "When you're done for sure not dying I have a few things to say to you."

"Get. Out."

"I got it, I'm going." He made a dramatic show of giving Bellamy a wide berth when passing him as he left.

"I'm sorry." Bellamy abandoned his wait at the door and returned to his seat by her side. 

"What are you sorry for? It's just Murphy being Murphy." She sighed and dropped her back against the headboard. They sat in a tense silence before- "I'm sorry I needed to leave that way. It doesn't change that I wish you weren't here."

Bellamy felt that like a punch to the gut and took several breaths to work his way through the accompanying ache. "If things were different, I might listen to you. I'm sorry too," he took her hand, "because there is no way I'm leaving you alone right now. Add it to the pile of things to hate me for."

"I'm not alone and I don't-"

"More importantly, you have nothing to apologize for. I messed up. I've been trying to tell you since I saw you. I never meant-"

"Stop." She pulled her hand from his and Bellamy gritted his teeth against the urge to snatch it back; to make her listen. "Please don't."

"Don't apologize to you? How can I fix this if you won't-"

"I'm not asking you to fix it."

"You don't have to ask! Please, Clarke. You need to know how sorry I am and how much better you deserved from me. I don't know how many times I have to say it: I need you at home. I can't lose you again. You're too important to all of us. I need you with us; Madi needs you with us."

"Don't bring her into this." He would expect Clarke to snap that at him but she just sounded tired.

"How can I not? She misses you. We talked. I saw your-"

"I said don't. I can't do this with you. It's- It's- I'm-"

Bellamy watched a light smudge of blood appear under her nose with devastation. Gabriel told her to relax and here he was, making things worse. That seemed to be his specialty these days.

"Ok, ok. I'm sorry. We'll talk about it later." He pulled out one of the many tissues he'd packed into his pockets earlier to be prepared and handed it to her. She wiped the blood away and Bellamy went ahead and added this to his ongoing list of ways he'd wronged her. "I'm not trying to make things harder for you. I want to make them easier, better." 

With excellent timing, an older woman with a face creased with deep lines from smiling came in with the item he'd requested from Gabriel.

"Cathrine?"

The woman smiled at Clarke in answer, bringing Bellamy the thick book she carried. "I hope you're feeling better soon, sweetie. Send this big lout for me if you need anything." She patted Bellamy's hand kindly and passed over a copy of the Iliad from Sanctum's library. 

Clarke thanked her for the sake of thanking her as she left then eyed the book in his hands. He held it up for her inspection.

"Why do you have-"

"You're supposed to rest. Do you want to do that with us sitting in silence or would you like me to read?"

"I'd like to be alone."

"You'd like to sit here, alone, in silence, until Gabriel clears you from bed rest?"

Clarke's expression had him nodding, flipping open the first page. 

"'Sing, goddess, of the anger of Peleus' son Achilleus and it's devastation, which put pains thousandfold upon the Achaians, hurled in their multitudes to the house of Hades-'"

Bellamy expected her to fall asleep like Octavia used to as a child. Instead, every time he glanced up to check on her she was watching him attentively. Clarke Griffin; exemplary student on the Ark, a wonderful doctor by observation, eternally curious and learning. He didn't know what he'd been thinking. Bellamy took it as a win anyway. She wasn't straining herself and she wasn't trying to run. For the time being he wasn't asking for anything more than that.

When it was late into the night and the words began blurring before his eyes he slipped a clean tissue between the pages to mark their spot. Clarke thanked him with a faint but true smile, slipping down from her seat against the headboard to her pillows with a yawn. When she closed her eyes and burrowed deeper into her blankets Bellamy looked at her in appreciative affection. Other people knew about how much he enjoyed Greek and Roman history and legends. However, until now, Octavia had been the only person who'd been willing to pay any real attention to it.

Setting aside the book and flipping off the light, Bellamy slouched in his seat and shifted to settle in.

"What are you doing?"

"What does it look like?"

"There are plenty of rooms."

"I'm sure there are. I'm pretty fond of this one though so I'll just stay here."

"I'm not going anywhere. Stop acting like I'm a flight risk. You don't need to stand guard."

"You are 100% a flight risk but that's not why I'm staying. You know I don't snore; I'm not going to bother you. Let me do this."

There was a pregnant pause and Bellamy wished he was close enough to make out her face in the dark.

"You think I'm going to have another nightmare. Maybe they were from what was wrong. Maybe it won't come back."

"Maybe. Just in case, I'm asking you to let me stay. I won't be able to sleep anywhere else and I'm tired from hauling you around all day."

"Hey!" She met his playful tone out of habit, then grumbled. "Fine. Goodnight."

"Thank you." Bellamy crossed his arms and let his head drop. "'Night."

Sure enough, hours later Bellamy startled out of his chair-induced light sleep. Clarke was sitting up and only managed one swipe across her chest before he was there catching her hands. He called her name and quicker than the night before she blinked awake.

"Bellamy," was all she said in a relieved whisper.

He was surprised that without any prompting she shifted over to make room for him. Grateful, he rolled on top of the covers and slid his hand to it's place. She was asleep within moments and he was quick to follow.

What seemed like a few seconds later given the depth of his sleep, though it must have been hours by the bright light streaming in, Bellamy abruptly woke again, this time to the disconcerting feeling of being watched. He glanced at the profile of Clarke's face as she slept then checked the room for intruders. The culprit wasn't hard to find.

Gabriel stood at the foot of the bed, arms crossed and one corner of his mouth twisted to suppress a grin. "Good morning. I came to check on Clarke and was about to leave-"

"No, no, stay." Bellamy eased away from her and stood, rubbing at his eyes in an effort to clear his mind. "Please see if she's alright. I was only- She, uhm- She had another nightmare."

"Uh huh."

"They're bad, Gabriel. The things we've seen and had to do, I know we'll probably never sleep right again. But these- That's how she got those marks on her chest. She's clawing at herself before she wakes up. I don't know what to do for her."

Bellamy was happy to see how seriously Gabriel was taking the matter as his face transformed into concentrated concern. "I was going to ask about those once I was sure she was stable. It could be a symptom of the physical issue or given her emotional traumas it could be a sign of PTSD. There are so many factors at this moment that only time will tell. I'll assess her later. She needs all the rest she can get."

Thinking their hushed conversation was over Bellamy started towards the nearby chair and was stopped by Gabriel's hand on his arm.

"She's going to be fine."

"That's what everyone always says. She can't be fine on her own every time."

Gabriel nodded. "Exactly. Anyone can see Clarke's a fighter. And she's not on her own, now is she? I'll come back in a few hours."

"Thank you. I can't thank you enough."

"No need," he said and started to leave. "Feel free to get back into bed with her. I'm sure you could use the sleep too and I'm not going to say anything."

"There's nothing to-"

Before he could finish Gabriel shut the door behind him.

Embarrassed by the presumption - the man clearly not understanding their relationship with one another - Bellamy returned to his seat and let himself drift off there.

\---

That morning went quickly and to Bellamy's significant gratitude less eventful.

When Clarke woke she'd still been closed off and generally annoyed with him but less than she'd been thus far. There was no outright hostility or demands for him to leave. He tried to play it cool with his relief. Once she let him actually apologize they'd be on the track to being ok. 

Gabriel came back and Bellamy used the opportunity to leave and radio the others, giving Gabriel a head tilt of acknowledgment and lack of eye contact as they passed. 

Raven responded and assured him everything was business as usual at camp. She offered to find Echo for him but Bellamy said he had to go and would reach out later in the day to talk then. He didn't say it but wasn't sure how long Gabriel's visit would be with Clarke and he'd rather be there before it was over. There wasn't much for him to say at that point anyway. He didn't know when they'd be coming back which he was sure would be Echo's main question. He had a lifetime to talk with her. There was no urgency to touch base when there was nothing going on.

He thought about hunting down Murphy, who he only now realized had been in Gabriel's meeting the previous day. That couldn't be good. Deciding to try later he hurried back to Clarke's room in time to pass Gabriel in the hallway as he left.

"How's she doing?"

"More or less the same. She's already frustrated about sitting still. All of that aside, like I said- a fighter. Short of any unforeseen setbacks, I have confidence she'll fully recover."

Bellamy thanked him for roughly the thousandth time and headed in. Not wanting to push his luck by pressing the issue of his apology until she was feeling better closer to being ready to hear it, he picked the Iliad back up and Clarke set herself against the headboard again to listen. They passed contented hours that way, shared a silence less tense than recent others as they ate the food Cathrine delivered for lunch, and he'd made it a little further into the book when her door opened.

"We've got to go." Murphy came in and grabbed Bellamy's shoulder, trying to tug him up and towards the door like it would be that simple.

"What the hell is going on?"

"That barely checked tension we've been worried about? Yeah, two Trikru members just set an Azgeda hut on fire and it's going to escalate. The others are on it but you need to be there. Actually, no." He pointed a finger at Clarke. "You need to be there. Since you apparently prefer Sanctum these days, Bellamy, you'll do. Let's go."

"Watch it, Murphy," Bellamy warned. "Wait outside. I'm coming."

"What tensions? What's going on?"

"Clarke," Bellamy scrubbed his face as he tried to think of what to say. She couldn't go back: she was supposed to relax. He didn't want to leave her: that might mean she'd never come back. He shouldn't stay with her: their people needed him. 

He dropped to his haunches to take her hand, not sure what he'd say, and Clarke immediately pulled away and stood, stepping around him. It was so much like when he'd first found her in the tent. His jaw ticked and he let his head fall. All the progress he'd made-

"Give me five minutes."

"Give you what?" She was rummaging through her things, yanking out clothes. "Clarke, I want you to come back more than you'll let me tell you but you're not well yet. I'm not going to let you-"

"As I don't answer to you, you don't get to 'let me' do anything. Give me five minutes. If you leave without me I'll chase down the Rover and then you'll really be sorry."

Bellamy tried to smile through his anxiety. He was getting what he ultimately wanted but he didn't want it at all if it came at the expense of her health. He seriously considered taking her wrath and leaving without her for her own good. When she came out of the bathroom after changing she caught him in the act of contemplating it.

"Don't you dare. I'll tell someone to let Gabriel know. Let's go."

"Clarke, seriously, I really don't think-"

"Our people are getting violent? They're fighting each other?" They were actual questions and Bellamy reluctantly nodded. "Then that settles it." She tossed her few loose items into her bag and he was following her to the door when she stopped short. Returning to the bedside she picked up the Iliad and added it to her belongings. "I'll bring it back when I'm done," Clarke excused and walked past him without a glance.

Grinning at her back despite his deep concern, Bellamy followed Clarke towards home.


	7. Clarke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Story Note:  
> This is Clarke's perspective of the day she and Bellamy shared in the last chapter. It's a little repetitive in the dialogue and actions but hopefully solidifies how their minds are in very different places and seeing things in ways skewed by their preconceived notions. More importantly - yay! Things aren't resolved between them but the storyline is taking off anyways and they're going to experience everything outside of the bubble they've been in with Gabriel.
> 
> Personal Note:   
> Thank you guys! You're so incredibly kind. If you have any feedback please let me know. As always, I appreciate you and your willingness to read this. You're the best.

Clarke woke to a torturous headache that pounded tears out of her immediately. She'd experienced plenty of pain by then but this had a unique depth to it and a consuming inability to be ignored. 

Dimly through the pain she also felt the new and unfortunately comforting sensation of Bellamy beside her, his hand protectively splayed out. She hated that she didn't hate him for it. It killed her that as upset as she was, when she woke up hurting she instinctively felt better knowing they were together without having to open her eyes. Bellamy was an ass, there was no question about it, but she still knew that he wouldn't let anything happen to her. In that instant it didn't matter if it was out of guilt or obligation. Right now she felt like she was emotionally and physically finally falling apart, and despite her snapping at him to get lost every which way, he still hadn't left her to face it all alone.

The pain she was feeling left no question to whether her time in the Primes lab was a horrible new nightmare or not. She'd been there. Trying to remember, what happened no more than fragments of memories jumbled in her mind, she felt anxiety start to overtake her. Her breathing grew labored as she was assaulted on every side by thoughts she couldn't quite make sense of yet.

Bellamy must have felt the change in the rhythm of her lungs because as she started panting he groaned. She didn't have to look to know the moment his dark eyes took her in because she felt his fingertips flex. He said her name and she went through the effort of turning to face him. As quickly as that the hard edge of her breaths began to slow. Bellamy was looking at her like he used to when they were young, before everything in their lives became so hard and complicated. He was all raw emotion. That look let her know with perfect clarity that even though they would never be close again, he did care. A part of him cared no matter how small it had become, or how small it was in comparison to how she felt for him. It was reassuring as much as it hurt.

That thought process made something from her time in the lab click into place. Clarke had told Bellamy that she loved him, and hated him, and missed him, and didn't want to forgive him. She rolled her head back towards the ceiling, unwilling to look at him while she dealt with that. 

He said her name again but she needed time to think before they spoke. She cut him off by asking for Gabriel.

Laying there speaking to one another from pillows side-by-side was not making things any easier. Struggling to sit up through her headache, she with equal parts relief and regret felt Bellamy take his hand away. Annoyed with herself for feeling that way she shrugged off his arm as he tried to help.

"Is it better?" She had to know, touching a hand to her head delicately. "Was it worth it?"

"He seemed to think it went well. I'm sorry we had to-" He sounded so earnest. Bellamy needed to stop talking to her like that for the sake of her trying to get oriented.

She needed him to go. "Will you get him?"

"I... Yeah. Yeah, sure. I'll be right back. Do you need anything else? Food, water, anything?"

"Just Gabriel." 

Damn him and his consideration. This wasn't real, she reminded herself. He meant it now but it wasn't real in a way that would last. These weren't his true feelings, they were only Bellamy being Bellamy and wanting to save her. All the same she supposed he did deserve a thank you, so she whispered one at his back, hoping he didn't hear it. That was the most she had to give him.

Left sitting alone in bed her ever-lurking thoughts began to catch up with her. Was Murphy really in that room? That's a weird figment for her mind to make up. As things came together she realized with dread that she had told Bellamy far, far, far more than she had ever intended to. She and Madi had been more happy than not while in Shallow Valley. He didn't need to know about the harder times. What point was there to admitting it wasn't always easy? That helped no one. She'd also talked about her mom for the first time and feeling lost. Those were things no one wanted to hear about before and she regretted finally getting it out like that; strapped down and with a captive audience. 

Her anxiety began to resurface and with every passing minute Clarke was more and more certain she'd come apart. Her heart was pounding, her head was still killing her, and she couldn't catch her breath. All those years, all that fighting, surviving against so many odds, and now there was peace and she was going to keel over in a plush bed. 

Unwilling to end on such a lame note Clarke forced herself to stand. It didn't go particularly well, having to catch hold of the headboard several times to balance herself enough to take the first step. She made her way to the window slowly, cautiously, and satisfied. Busy thinking about not falling on her ass kept her mind distracted. When she made it she clutched the window frame for dear life. It wasn't easy staying upright but it felt like it was getting easier by the minute.

Unfortunately, not enough minutes had passed before a visitor joined her.

"I take it you can see and stand alright. I wish you would have found out when someone was here if that wasn't the case."

She supposed she did too but it was either walk or stay still and die. There was no need to mention that, however. "I'm fine." 

"I'll be the judge of that. Please take a seat so I can examine you."

There was no way she could walk without him seeing that she wasn't quite steady yet. "I said I'm fine." Plus, she had some serious issues to hash out with him. "I also said not to tell Bellamy where I was and to not wake me up in that place."

There was a little grunt behind her and she knew Bellamy had come back with Gabriel. That was a sound she knew well from all of the times she'd seen him punched. 

"Could we wait to argue until after I've medically cleared you?" Gabriel asked and she could hear that he was drawing closer. "I suspect you'd rather be at full strength while yelling at me."

"I promise I can manage it now."

"I have no doubt." Appearing beside her, Gabriel wrapped Clarke's arm around his. As he stepped away she could either go with him or fall. He took a good portion of her weight and kept her stable as they took the steps back towards her bed. "For my sake give me a minute to brace myself." 

She was still irritated with him but when he smiled down at her it was hard not to smile back. 

The first thing he did was give her something for her headache which in all honesty was all she was interested in at the time. He shone his light in her eyes, asked her some basic questions, and assured her that he would bring the monitor he'd given her in the tent to use to assess her condition. There was no need for her to go back into the lab. He'd explained why they'd had to wake her up and apologized straight forward and simply. He ordered her to stay in bed which she immediately opposed. She didn't know how to tell him that being left alone with her own thoughts was likely more than she could take. It would drive her insane.

When Gabriel was finished Bellamy thanked him, saying he owed him. That was just like him, taking on the debt for the favor of her life. His hero complex didn't know when to quit.

"You owe me nothing," Gabriel assured. He'd listed how Bellamy had helped him as reasons why, then touched Clarke's arm, addressing her instead. "In over 200 years of life I've known many people. I've never met someone like you before. The scientist in me wants to see what you'll do next."

That moved her but she'd be damned if she showed it. He'd explained the lab but there'd been no excuse for giving up her whereabouts to Bellamy. "If you think saying nice things to me is going to make me forgive you, you're wrong."

"A note I'll add to my mental file on you. For the record, I did say I'd ultimately act in the best interest of our alliance and in your best interest as my patient. Bringing Bellamy to you was both." He gave her a knowing look and her eyes darted to Bellamy, hoping he didn't see, then narrowed them as she turned back to Gabriel. He grinned. "Now rest. I'll check on you again soon."

Bellamy and Gabriel moved towards the door together and only then did she see the figure across the room. She hadn't hallucinated him? That seemed... Surprising. "What are you doing here Murphy?"

Murphy strolled towards her at his usual lazy, wandering pace. "What, a man can't visit an old friend without having his motives questioned?"

"When the man is you, yes."

"I'm wounded."

"I wish." 

She was enjoying herself she realized as they kept going back and forth. Once in a long while it was easy and thoughtless and more habit than outright hatred arguing with Murphy. Always stuck playing the diplomat, there was something a little freeing about insulting someone to their face, unconcerned about how they'd react because you didn't like each other either way. Clarke settled in for their fight, their claws kept in this time.

That was until he said, "So, running away in the night, huh? That's a bit cowardly for the Clarke I know and the masses fear." His head cocked in droll curiosity.

How could she respond to that? There was a part of her that felt like he was right. She had her reasons but how did she explain them? To anyone. Certainly to someone else. Even if she figured it out she wouldn't be having any deep conversations with Murphy in the next several lifetimes at least.

Murphy threw his hands up when Bellamy barked, "That's enough," and ordered him to get out. They still had that, she supposed. She and Bellamy had always been partners in handling Murphy.

"When you're done for sure not dying I have a few things to say to you," Murphy said as he left which filled Clarke with morbid curiosity.

After Bellamy apologized for Murphy she tried to figure out what to say and the moment dragged on. She'd had her reasons for leaving but she'd never considered how it would impact anyone other than Madi. She hadn't thought anyone else would care. Knowing Bellamy and their past with her leaving him behind, she meant it when she said, "I'm sorry I needed to leave that way." He looked at her with hope, as if she was agreeing to come back with that statement, so she cleared any confusion. "It doesn't change that I wish you weren't here."

He nodded too much and too fast, reaching for her hand. "If things were different, I might listen to you. I'm sorry too, because there is no way I'm leaving you alone right now. Add it to the pile of things to hate me for."

Firstly, she was in a town full of people. "I'm not alone and I don't-" Before she could tell the idiot she didn't hate him he went on.

"More importantly, you have nothing to apologize for. I messed up. I've been trying to tell you since I saw you. I never meant-"

She couldn't do this with him. Since waking up she'd been lured in by his presence, by the way it felt to have her number one teammate back. The compulsion to return with him was growing and she'd already made up her mind. Clarke pulled away, conflicted. Her mind was at war with itself. She wanted to go and knew she needed not to. She kept forgetting why and then brutally reminding herself.

"Don't apologize to you? How can I fix this if you won't-"

"I'm not asking you to fix it," she told him, which she meant... but then... She shook her head, confused.

"You don't have to ask! Please, Clarke. You need to know how sorry I am and how much better you deserved from me. I don't know how many times I have to say it: I need you at home. I can't lose you again. You're too important to all of us. I need you with us; Madi needs you with us."

"Don't bring her into this." She was too torn and Madi was the one thing that could convince her to change her mind. But she'd already decided. She knew what was best for her daughter. But was it? He said Madi needed her. What if she did? But what if Clarke would drag her down, hurt her, the way she thought she would? What if she was only abandoning her and that would hurt worse? What if- What if-

"How can I not? She misses you. We talked. I saw your-"

"I said don't. I can't do this with you. It's- It's- I'm-"

Clarke only knew something was wrong with her by the way Bellamy turned snow white and looked like he was about to cry. He pulled a tissue out of his pocket and held it out with the utmost gentleness.

"Ok, ok. I'm sorry. We'll talk about it later. I'm not trying to make things harder for you. I want to make them better." Clarke determined from the waver in his voice that yeah, he was definitely barely holding it together. At least she wasn't the only one. That was a small blessing. If he was stoic as she fell apart she'd feel even weaker than she did now.

Before they could speak any further the elderly lady who'd helped her the day before, Cathrine, came in pleasant as ever and handed something to Bellamy. When Clarke strained to catch a glimpse he held it towards her, and when she asked him why he had it, he forced a smile through his fractured expression.

"You're supposed to rest. Do you want to do that with us sitting in silence or would you like me to read?"

He had to be kidding. That was one of his favorite books, one he'd once told her he had read to Octavia over and over until they could almost recite it from memory as kids. This had to be some kind of ploy to get in her good graces and she resented it. "I'd like to be alone."

"You'd like to sit here, alone, in silence, until Gabriel clears you from bed rest?"

Well. Shit. He had her there. Bellamy didn't rub it in her face how right he was when she didn't respond. He just leaned back and began.

"'Sing, goddess, of the anger of Peleus' son Achilleus and it's devastation, which put pains thousandfold upon the Achaians, hurled in their multitudes to the house of Hades-'"

Clarke struggled against enjoying it at first but there was no hope. Bellamy's even, deep voice soothed her and the story was one she'd always meant to read so they could discuss it but she'd never had the time. Every now and then Bellamy would look at her and his mouth would twist with a little smile even as he continued to read. For hours he kept it up and she didn't think about anything but him and the Iliad the entire time. No haunting memories, no fearful worries, only his paced words as night fell.

Finally, they were trading yawns too frequently and Bellamy's eyes looked glazed. She was tired too, both from the trying day and the calm lull she'd been hypnotized into. 

When he closed the book it occurred to her how nice this was. Sure, it wasn't real. That said, she needed him and Bellamy was there. He was the leader of their settlement and they were surely missing him and yet there he was, reading to her so she wasn't stuck with only herself for company.

Bellamy was a good man. He was a good friend. They might have drifted apart but objectively she supposed she shouldn't feel so shocked and betrayed by that. They'd spent six years apart. All that time she'd been waiting for him to fall from the sky, and he'd been learning to live without her as she was understandably presumed dead. It wasn't fair on either of them and it wasn't either of their faults. She had her own family now in Madi. He had his own family with the others from the Ring. When they'd come together at first it had been like old times but it was out of sentiment. That couldn't last.

More painful than loving him in a way he'd never reciprocate, her faith in him was so shattered there was no putting back the pieces of their friendship to resemble what it had before. 

That said, she was Clarke Griffin, dammit. She was her mother's daughter. She did not pine or wallow. Bellamy didn't end up being who she had thought he'd be. So what? Clarke certainly let down more than her fair share of people. Had she really lost so much of herself that she couldn't handle being disappointed by someone and carrying on, business as usual? Could she really hate this man - the man who she knew and respected and cared about more than any other through the years - because he was, firstly, an ass, and secondly, felt differently towards her? Yes and no. Yes, she couldn't forgive or forget knowing what she did now. And no, she could never hate him. 

Now she needed to decide what to do with that information.

All of this was running through her mind as Bellamy asked to stay and she allowed it. He was doing it to be kind and she would do the same for him if the roles were reversed, for Raven, for any of them. Refusing to accept a kind gesture because it wasn't heartfelt didn't make her strong; it made her ungrateful for someone willing to go out of their way to do something for her they didn't even want to do.

Sure enough, when her nightmare returned and she jolted awake, as her friend Bellamy was there waiting. Clarke already knew what he would do for her and there was no ego between them. She made room for him and without a word he was there, helping, the heat from his hand warming her.

When Clarke woke Bellamy was back in his chair by the bedside and it was like her need of him in the night never happened. He'd never expect her to thank him for it and in all likelihood would be embarrassed if she brought it up in the light of day.

Running through her observations once more, having slept on them, Clarke made her choice. 

She was going to have a semblance of... maybe friendship wasn't the right word. Comradery? Clarke was going to have comradery with Bellamy because she decided to. Yes, there would be some growing pains as she got used to their new dynamic but when had there ever been a time something didn't hurt? She'd been a terrified teenager and faked being unafraid until she more or less wasn't. She'd stared powerful people in the eye and lied, called them out on bullshit, and told them what to do. That had all been on bravado alone. She faked it until she made it through the entirety of her adult life. All she had to do was put forth the effort into making her relationships with them all some thin semblance of friendly and then pretend that was enough until it seemed like it really was. Anyone could fit square pegs into round holes with a little sawing and sweat.

That said, she still didn't think she belonged at their new settlement. Her goal when leaving, so thin a hope and unlikely a success that she went for it without thinking about it too much in case she'd start second-guessing herself, was to ask Gabriel to show her how to survive in the forest as he had. Russel gave Bellamy a new colony? Well she wanted a tent in the carnivorous forest from Gabriel. To each their own. She'd be so busy staying alive she'd never have to think about herself again. Every now and then she could visit Madi so her daughter knew she was loved, only that Clarke had to love her from afar for both of their sakes. That was her plan and it would take more than Bellamy apologizing or her newfound willingness to force things to work between them to change it.

When Gabriel came to check up on her Bellamy stepped out to radio his people. 

Clarke used the opportunity to bring up her request outright. Gabriel's response was not encouraging.

"I lived like that because I had a bounty on my head and was starting a revolution."

"I'm happy that worked out for you. As for me, what I'm hearing is you don't need your tent now."

"Will you not even consider going back with them? You're not even-"

"I'm not going back. There isn't anything for me there."

"From what I understand there's your daughter," Clarke flinched, " there's Bellamy and there are all of the people you've been so dedicated to saving. Doesn't sound like nothing to me."

"They don't need me anymore. I'm free to do what I want now."

Gabriel lifted an unbelieving and unimpressed brow. "And what you want is to live outside of the radiation fence at the mercy of the elements?"

She was determined and no matter how he was trying to phrase it or make her doubt herself the deed was as good as done, so she nodded.

"Have you talked to Bellamy about this?"

"He's not the one making the decision, so no. Are you going to help me or do I have to do it on my own?"

"Please talk to him. Not to get his permission; to talk. I don't know what the deal is between you two, but the first time I saw him was when we were-" Clarke nodded, once more letting him sidestep having to say he killed Josephine, "We thought you were dead and... I was grieving the love of my life, and I was still heartbroken for him. Bellamy cares about you more than I think either of you will-" When Clarke opened her mouth to interrupt him Gabriel held up his hand to stop her. "Ok, how about this? When he showed up here demanding to know where you were, I had every intention of keeping my word to you. There was nothing he could say that would make me change my mind. Then he told me everyone knew what I had been willing to do to get Josephine back when I lost her and I was only a doctor, and to imagine what someone like him would do if he lost you. That's... That's quite the comparison. You have to see that. He didn't even mean losing you to death like I lost her. He meant not being able to find you."

"He threatened you?" Clarke asked, outraged. 

Gabriel tilted his head towards the ceiling and sighed, an action she was coming to understand meant he was utterly exasperated. "That was not the part I was referencing and I know you're too smart to miss that. But fine. You don't want to talk about it. Please know when the time comes that I have lived a long, long time and have seen more than most. I don't judge."

"That must be why we get along," Clarke tried to joke, wanting to erase everything he'd said the very morning she'd decided to give up on having more than a vaguely pleasant and distant relationship with Bellamy forever. "I have too much to be judged for when I'm with my fellow mere mortals."

Gabriel stayed serious. "I think it is. It took me a long time but I think I've developed a knack for seeing more than meets the eye. You're much more than your sins, Clarke." 

Overwhelmed, she tried to hold his gaze as he spoke but when her eyes began to water she looked away. She felt like Gabriel wanted to say more, but it was true, he wasn't oblivious. She'd had a rough few days and he backed off. Instead, he began putting away the few instruments he'd used to assess her before they'd gotten sidetracked. Before he left he placed a hand on her shoulder. 

"If you want to have my tent, have it, but living in the forest isn't as easy as me pointing out what mushrooms are poisonous and which berries are not. You'll need time to get educated before you go out on your own. I would be glad to have you stay here and learn it. That said, if while you're here you come to enjoy Sanctum and would like to stay longer, I would be grateful to have you. I meant it when I said you're good at leading. Experience in neurology, ideology, and starting a revolution turns out not to be the type you need to establish law and order in a new world. More than anything, please consider going home. I'd selfishly like your help but I think they need you more, in more ways than one."

Gabriel left before she could work through the lump in her throat. Hearing Bellamy's voice in the hall she wiped her eyes and composed herself. 

Pleasant. Different. Distant. Fake it until you make it.

Bellamy made it easy on her and picked their book back up, reading until lunch. She hadn't perfected what she wanted her new persona with him to be like by then but the silence was less tense now that she was determined she wasn't going to be someone who'd ever want to kiss or throttle him again. 

He picked the book back up and Clarke was contentedly listening when Murphy flung open the door.

Before either of them could ask what was happening Murphy was yanking Bellamy out of his seat. "We've got to go."

"What the hell is going on?"

"That barely checked tension we've been worried about? Yeah, two Trikru members just set an Azgeda hut on fire and it's going to escalate. The others are on it but you need to be there. Actually, no." Clarke was trying to make sense of what he was talking about and was startled when he pointed at her. "You need to be there. Since you apparently prefer Sanctum over helping our people these days, Bellamy, you'll do. Let's go."

Bellamy kicked him out of the room as the spinning wheels in her head started getting traction and catching up. "What tensions? What's going on?"

"Clarke," Bellamy knelt to take her hand and she could see him stalling. 

Something was very wrong. They were supposed to be Wonkru, why were they even referencing Trikru and Azgeda as separate active entities? What had happened? She'd thought they were at peace. Now things were on fire. Madi was there.

Clarke got up and went for her bag. There wasn't even a decision to make. "Give me five minutes."

Bellamy tried to argue with her and at one point she caught the guilty look on his face that meant he'd been thinking of leaving without her.

"Don't you dare. I'll tell someone to let Gabriel know. Let's go."

At the last second she turned back, picking up the Iliad to take with her. It had nothing to do with Bellamy. She'd been meaning to read it and it had been good so far, that was all.

Murphy was waiting out in the hall and said, "Now that's what I'm talkin' about," as she stormed past him. 

Clarke had hoped to see a familiar face as she led them through the palace but there were none. Not wanting to leave without a word, she stopped a random passerby and asked them to get a message to Gabriel that she was going, there was trouble, and to keep someone watching over the radio.

They were pulling out in the Rover, leaving a trail of dust in their wake, before Murphy was even fully seated in the back. His griping about Bellamy's bad driving being what finally killed him was muttered but conveniently loud enough for them to hear.

"Tell me what's happening."

Bellamy did, reciting one thing after another like he'd been keeping a list in his mind of everything big or small that was going wrong. Knowing him he had been in order to check it and beat himself up over each item daily.

"You let people pick their own places to set up houses?" Was the first question she asked, interrupting his litany. It was the first thing she heard that would be hard to fix.

"Yeah, why? Everyone was already freaked out enough over being on a new planet, I thought a little say in their future wouldn't hurt even if it was something small. Plus, who am I to split them up? I get it. I would be pissed if I had to live away from you or Octavia, Octavia would be pissed if she had to live away from me or Indra, Indra would be pissed if she had to live away from Octavia and Gaia- It goes on and on. I don't think it's so wrong to-"

"There's barely more than 400 of us left alive. If someone wants to visit their mom or sister or whatever, they can walk to their house. They'll be fine. What about the Eligius prisoners? Did they start their own little commune too?"

He gruffly nodded, getting her point.

"Well that's a huge problem waiting to happen. How many houses have been built? Like actual, solid structures that can't be moved."

"You should be taking it easy." Bellamy kept glancing at her out of the corner of his eye. "I know we'll get this figured out. For now, you're still sick. We can take this slow, please don't stress out. We'll handle it."

"Don't stress out? My child is in a village primarily made out of lumber and there's a fire. There are only 400 people left from all of humanity on earth and they're already fighting each other."

"Yeah, that's not- that's not ideal, but we've got this. I see what you mean about diversifying. I didn't think of that, thank you. I'll handle it."

"How?" Murphy asked, popping his head between the driver and passenger seats. Bellamy glared at him and then focused on the road. "Are we herding people around like sheep, are there going to be guns for old times sake, are there going to be little housewarming presents waiting at their new spots and prizes for the ones who follow orders first? Just curious."

They drove in silence for a while.

"Occupations."

"What?"

"Occupations," Clarke repeated, the thought still forming as she worked through the pros and cons. "That's what they have in common with people outside of their kru or family groups. Each clan had farmers, each had warriors... So we lump them together that way to have an excuse to shift everyone around."

"They're not going to like that."

"No, I'm sure they won't. How many permanent buildings do you have and which are communal fixtures, like Raven's machine shop or the mess hall?"

Bellamy started describing everything and she stopped him to pull a piece of paper and charcoal pencil out. He started again and she began drawing a map of what their new world would look like.


	8. Bellamy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Story Note:  
> \- Bellamy has an epiphany because I love him and can't write him as utterly clueless anymore.  
> \- I am team Bellarke all the way but Echo can't be evil. All shall be made right in time.
> 
> Personal Note:  
> \- You're amazing.

He was equally worried and thankful for Clarke. She'd spent the rest of their drive getting as many details out of them as she could, her questions prompting them to remember things they didn't even realize they'd noticed. He knew if she'd been leading from the beginning they wouldn't have had to fix all of this. He was self-aware enough to acknowledge he'd always either swung far too lax, not seeing the worst-case scenario, or far too authoritarian, alienating everyone. This time he'd tried to find a middle ground but something he'd thought to be a no-brainer - letting people choose where to live - was immediately biting them in the ass.

Every now and then Bellamy would suggest she take a break and the comment would be met with either an eye-roll, look of deep annoyance, or outright ignored.

By the time they were pulling up to their settlement Clarke had her determined face on and Bellamy was reassured. He'd take care of her by making sure she didn't push herself too far and even her giving a half-strength effort would be plenty. 

"I need our people to make this happen, especially Indra." Clarke tapped the map, searching it. "The mess hall is too public. Can Raven's shop be closed off?"

"I'll take care of it."

Murphy tapped on the glass of his door. "Let me out here. I'll start hunting down the gang." 

After they did and then cleared the final distance to the garage, as Bellamy parked he made out Emori jogging to meet him. She pulled open his door before he got the chance.

"The fire's out but we're one wrong move away from a riot. Echo, Indra, and-" Emori looked past him and she gasped. "Oh, thank god." She directed the rest of her summary to Clarke, walking around the hood of the Rover to meet her as she hopped out. 

Bellamy was more relieved than anyone to have her home, but seriously? He knew he was no Clarke, but he still gave Emori's back a defensive and disbelieving look as he trailed the two women to the disaster, which they could hear before they rounded the corner to see. When they did he took back any ego he had invested in thinking he'd had things under control for even a second.

Octavia, Echo, Indra, Miller, and Gaia stood between two groups facing off, no one hearing anything over their own noise.

"That's enough," Clarke yelled, walking straight into the fray. 

She startled many of them into pausing, Bellamy's loud, strong "Hey!" quieting the rest.

"That's enough," Clarke repeated. "We're not doing this. We are one people; we are the last of our people. Everyone, go home. We'll deal with what happened and decide the punishment. There won't be any mob justice in this world."

"Some of us don't have homes thanks to them," someone from the Azgeda side shouted, starting another growing tide of rising voices.

"You heard her! Everyone, home, now. If you don't have a home and no one to bunk with until we fix things, come meet with us. We'll find you a place to stay. Otherwise, this is done."

"We don't answer to Skykru." A particularly enormous man from Trikru started towards them and Bellamy shifted to block Clarke, squaring up. "We don't answer to the murderer Wanheda, slaughterer of our people, or her-"

"Say it again."

Bellamy jolted at the voice. Oh no. Oh no, oh no, oh-

Out of the crowd, Madi stepped between him and the enraged man, facing him down. "Say it again, Edzun. I dare you."

The man, followed quickly by the others, dropped down to one knee.

"I apologize, Heda. I wasn't going to-"

"I care about what you've already done. To make it clear," she surveyed the kneeling crowd, "to insult or disobey Clarke Griffin, Commander of Death, mother of your Heda, liberator of our people from the Mountain Men, savior from the City of Light, founder of our new chance on planet Alpha, is to insult or disobey me. I am the Heda of Wonkru, and you are Wonkru or you are the enemy of Wonkru. Each of you get up, go home, and choose."

With that every person who'd shown up determined to draw blood up and left. There were resentful grumbles and dark glares at one another as they went, but they went all the same.

As she spoke Madi's voice had sounded nothing like the girl who had giggled in Clarke's house late at night. When she faced him she didn't look all that much like her either and Bellamy's blood turned cold. Madi's light blue eyes were shards of ice and her jaw aggressively jutted out in stern, confident authority. Had Sheidheda somehow survived? Was Madi in trouble after all? What could he do to-

Before he could finish panicking Madi caught sight of Clarke around him and beamed, her face transforming back in an instant. She rushed past and threw her arms around Clarke's waist, burying her head against her mother's chest and laughing in relief.

"I'm going to kill you for that," Clarke told her as she kissed Madi's hair over and over, holding the girl tightly. "You are in so, so much trouble."

"I'm glad you're back. I missed you," Madi said, ignoring Clarke's threat.

The others neared and Clarke went from worried and happy and frightened while focusing on Madi to disgust when she saw Gaia.

"You said you would look after her."

"I did! I told her to stay home-"

"It's not Gaia's fault," Madi intervened, pulling away to play peacemaker. "I came to see what was going on after she told me not to."

"And seeing it was a mob of angry people decided it was a good idea to jump in the middle of it?"

Madi shrugged, unrepentant. "You were in trouble."

"I'm the adult. I will get myself out of trouble. That's not your job."

Bellamy tugged at his ear, seeing the situation more and more clearly as they talked. That expression on Madi's face wasn't from Sheidheda; it was Clarke's. Gaia couldn't stop Madi from doing what she wanted, and despite knowing Clarke wouldn't like it, stepped in to save her anyway by taking on people who could chop her in half if motivated.

Madi was Clarke. Madi was a little Clarke, and Bellamy wasn't going to be the one to tell her, but she was getting some perspective of what it had been like for Abby when her child became a leader in a dangerous new world. Bellamy couldn't help but smile even knowing they were going to have their hands full with her as she got older. He prayed she didn't find a reckless boy to follow her around. A pairing like the one he had with Clarke would make his hair whiter than Kane's had ended up in a day.

"So," Murphy walked up, waving around at their milling group of friends, "I found everyone for you."

"Thanks a lot," Bellamy said sarcastically, then did a headcount. "Where's Raven?"

"Ok, so I missed one. If we cause some trouble I'm sure she'll turn up on her own."

"She went to get gas grenades in case things got out of hand." Octavia hugged Bellamy in welcome then clasped forearms with Clarke. "If they started fighting we were going to knock them out."

Clarke dipped her head. "Smart."

Bellamy was distracted from whatever she was saying to the others in greeting as Echo neared. "Hey," he said, pulling her close. "I see you had plenty of fun without me."

"Yeah, because breaking up riots is how I like to spend my time."

They huffed softly in laughter from inches away before kissing. When he began to pull back Echo stretched up on her toes to maintain contact, her hand skimming his jaw to keep him close. She finally ended it and seeing the question on Bellamy's face smiled serenely. "I missed you."

"I missed you too," he said, tucking her under his arm as he turned back towards his friends. Rather than standing around where he'd left them, Bellamy saw they were already leaving, following Clarke and Madi who seemed to be in deep conversation with one another. Everyone other than Murphy and Emori, that was. They were both looking at him. "What?"

"Nothing," Murphy smirked. As he and Emori started off after Clarke like the others the two shared a side-eyed glance Bellamy couldn't begin to decipher.

"Shall we?" Echo asked in gentle playfulness when Bellamy didn't move.

"Yeah. Yeah, of course." He shook his head, clearing it of the inexplicable feeling that had come over him. He'd felt rooted to the spot. Better now that Echo had brought him back from it they broke apart and went to catch up. 

They hadn't quite reached them by the time they heard Raven calling Clarke's name from ahead. 

The two embracing gave him time to pass everyone as they waited, making it to them and placing a hand on Clarke's back. "Ok, ok, she's got it. You're happy to see her. Let her breathe." Bellamy half-joked. He hadn't really inspected Clarke since they'd arrived and the excitement had started. She very well could need to sit for a minute, or lay down, or breathe, or... He didn't know. Maybe she needed something.

"Fine, fine." Raven pulled away and picked up her bag overflowing with gas grenades.

"Do you think you grabbed enough of those?"

"Nobody's dying on my watch. They were all going down."

Bellamy snickered at that while trying to catch Clarke's gaze to see is she was feeling ok. She stared ahead, seeming a little weirdly detached even as she was smiling, no symptoms in sight. "You guys go ahead. We need to-"

"No, we don't." Clarke started off again and Bellamy followed, pursing his lips. "We need to get this planned out now and start implementing it soon. The longer we wait the worse it will get. Raven, do you have something large I can draw a map on so we can all see it?"

"No problem. I have a huge drafting table for specs."

"Perfect. Can we secure the space so no one will be able to come in or overhear us? Until our plan is solid no one else needs to know."

"What plan?" Gaia asked.

"One we'll talk about when we're alone. Miller, will you find Jackson and bring him? He should be here for this."

Miller nodded in understanding and thanks, turning around and jogging back the way they came.

They reached the shop, Emori saying, "Raven, you set up the table and I'll start on all the doors and windows. John, help me?"

Echo nodded at them and headed to the opposite side. "I'll sweep the place now in case anyone is already here."

"Should I call for Trikru to stand guard?" Indra offered and Clarke vehemently shook her head 'no.'

"There is no Trikru, remember? We're supposed to be Wonkru, and no thank you. No matter how much you trust anyone, until we have this figured out we don't talk about it outside of us." Clarke reiterated. "Everyone is going to have an opinion and we can't listen to one without listening to them all."

Indra nodded but also looked mildly offended. Clarke glanced at Gaia and the woman inclined her head indicating that she would take care of it, pulling her mother aside.

"Clarke," Octavia's voice stayed low. Only she, Madi, Clarke and Bellamy were left standing close together and she glanced around to be sure none of the others could hear. "What are we doing?"

Bellamy's attention kept sliding to each of them in turn, his guilt growing exponentially. Everyone might still fear Octavia from her time as Red Queen but almost all of them hated her as well; bringing attention to herself was the last thing she needed. Madi was Heda and would have to be the one to publically give the Grounders orders they wouldn't want to follow and dole out punishment when they disobeyed; that had to be why Clarke let her stay. And Clarke was who and where she always was. The one making the hard calls when things needed to be done and the first one people would end up blaming.

He knew he'd needed Clarke because she looked at things from a different perspective than he did but this was not what he meant. Bellamy hadn't wanted to drag her into a mess like this; he'd wanted her with him to prevent a mess like this from happening.

A simple lack of foresight on his part, from a decision that seemed so unimportant in the scheme of things at the time, was putting them in danger. What was wrong with him? How did he always end up here? The three women who most deserved his protection, and he was the one who had put them at risk.

"What we're doing," Clarke replied just as softly, running her hand down Madi's hair tenderly as she did, "is creating peace for our future by making everyone furious now."

From where he was standing close to her shoulder Bellamy couldn't see how Clarke was looking at Madi but he could guess. What he could see was the way Madi was gazing up at Clarke and he felt that disconcerting pang he'd get around them sometimes. Knowing what he did now, it was much stronger. Madi and Clarke had been through so much together and loved one another so fiercely it almost hurt.

A hand touching his arm drew Bellamy's lingering stare away.

Bellamy knew every expression on Octavia's face but he didn't know the one she was giving him now. It was a mix of so many things at once. She smiled and dropped her head against his shoulder so they could look back towards Madi and Clarke together. 

"Sounds like a plan," Octavia said loud enough for Clarke to hear, then whispered to Bellamy, "They're going to be ok, big brother. They're strong."

Bellamy nodded roughly and was glad to see Miller and Jackson coming in.

Jackson went straight to Clarke, wrapping her up in a quick and distracted hug. "What's happening? I'm happy to see you. What are we doing?"

"A question we'd all like answered," Raven said, drawing everyone's attention, waving at the drafting table prepared with several massive sheets of paper and a pile of writing instruments big enough that she probably included every one she could find. "Alright, oh-Captain-my-Captain, what is wrong and how do we fix it?"

They all approached the table from every angle and Clarke picked up a pen.

"The problem is that we're letting them create factions." Clarke drew a rough outline of their settlement and its features, then began slashing across it to divide things approximately how Bellamy and Murphy had explained. "We're letting the clans come back and they're already fighting."

"To be fair, everyone is fighting."

Clarke nodded as they'd already explained those issues to her on the drive. "Yes, and we're going to handle that too. What we're going to do is-" she dropped her black pen to use a green one from Raven's pile, drawing a grid over her existing map. "We are going to plot all of this. Evenly, fairly. We're going to space our community fixtures to key places to disperse the value of each location. Then we are going to assign people their plots, taking into account their occupations to explain why we're placing them where they're going, and between us we are going to purposefully intermingle everyone."

"People are going to be pissed if you're forcing them to live away from their families," Miller warned.

"I get that, but logically, there are about 400 of us left. That averages, what, about 200 houses, accounting for singles and those who have kids? They're not going to be that far apart and it'll be ok when they're done throwing fits about being told what to do."

"Speaking of fits," Murphy leaned forward, arms crossed, "I get where you're going with this, I do, but making people angry by moving them from their ideal spots next to their friends and then forcing them to live next door to their enemies does not sound very peaceful to me."

"It won't be at first. I think it's safe to say there was an adjustment period at the bunker?"

"That's an understatement," Octavia confirmed. 

"So we get through this. They need to learn to see each other as neighbors, not as separate from their 'own people.' It's going to be rough at first, no question, but this is only one of the steps we're going to take and we'll find ways to soften the blow."

"Like what?" Indra asked. "It will have to be a hell of a gift."

Clarke nodded. "One that will keep giving. The cause of a lot of this is boredom and feeling lost about what to do with themselves. So we're going to give them purpose. I'm going to get Gabriel to send over farmers, scavengers, and hunters to start educating our people."

"I asked when we first got here and he said he couldn't spare anyone," Bellamy told her.

"That was then, and no offense, but that was you asking." She smiled at him and it was the first time she had sincerely in a long time. "So we'll have farmers, scavengers, and hunters. Jackson, how do you feel about teaching? Before you answer: you are the only certified medical professional left from the Ark and the Earth and you're the only one with the ability to pass down that first-hand knowledge. What do you say?"

Jackson chuckled and shook his head. "All of a sudden I'm a big fan of teaching."

"Wonderful. Now we have a medical school. Raven- you're the last classically trained mechanic and City of Light bestowed coder-"

"Say no more."

"Great. Indra, is it fair to say that Trikru knows lumber better than the other clans?"

"Of course we do."

"I'd be deeply grateful if you'd oversee housing then. This is our big one. How we are going to soften our decision to move people is that we will build them a home in their new site; they won't have to do it themselves and it will be a solid, sturdy, as-good-as-everyone-else's, house. The reward for volunteering to be on house building duty means their houses will be built first, which will incline more people to participate, which will get our settlement built out in no time.

"Speaking of our settlement, we need to name it. We can't get people behind a sense of community when their community doesn't have a name. We're on planet Alpha, we're next to Sanctum. We've lived in Arkadia, Polis, on Earth. What are we going to call ourselves?"

"Don't let Bellamy pick the name. We'll end up living in Clarke-topia."

"Shut up, Murphy," came from five different directions, joined by Emori's lovingly exasperated, "Shut up, John."

"I think we stick with Wonkru," Madi piped in.

"Some people-" Octavia cleared her throat, "some people aren't happy about being a part of Wonkru. That name might not be very inspiring."

"The word is what we make it mean, not what it once meant." Gaia placed a supportive hand on Madi's shoulder and Bellamy was glad to see her share a smile with Clarke over the girl's head. After whatever she and Madi had been talking about on their walk Gaia was clearly off the hook. "And calling our home what we call our people is very inspiring. We are Wonkru; our home is Wonkru."

"I like it. Do you guys have any other suggestions?" Clarke looked around and when no one spoke up declared, "Then Wonkru we are. Excellent idea, Madi.

"It's starting to get dark. Raven, is there any way you can take some kind of aerial shot of the settlement- of Wonkru, I mean, and have it printed? Tomorrow first thing we need to start making the outline of plots. Oh," Clarke laid a flat hand on the table and started rubbing her temple, "and we'll need an official census as soon as possible to see who specifically is living where and with who and what their skills and ages are." 

"I'll take care of that," Miller offered.

"I can help," Emori told him and they nodded at one another.

Raven was already typing on her computer. "The map won't be a problem." 

"Ok, we're done for the night. You know what to do. We'll talk in the morning," Bellamy dismissed everyone before Clarke had the chance to keep going. He only waited the beat it took for them to start talking to one another and backing away from the table before he turned Clarke towards him, ducking to look her in the eyes. "Are you ok? How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine," Clarke said, even as her eyes fluttered.

"Dizziness?"

Madi turned back towards them from speaking to Gaia and she was immediately there, holding Clarke up with him. "What's wrong?"

"She isn't feeling well," Bellamy phrased delicately. "Let's get her home."

When Bellamy bent to pick up Clarke she smacked his shoulder to stop. "Don't. I can walk."

"Fine, at least let me..." Remembering that he was speaking to Clarke and that she was going to say no regardless of what he was offering or how much she needed it, Bellamy went ahead and put her arm across his shoulders and his arm around her waist, lifting. She was in theory still walking on her own two feet, he just happened to be awkwardly holding up all of her weight at the same time. "Come on, Madi. You lead the way and you're on door duty."

Madi readily agreed, running ahead of them to open the door to the machine shop for him. It drew everyone's attention and behind him Bellamy heard the room go silent as they saw how Clarke was leaving. He knew he was going to have to circle back to explain before they started knocking on his door one by one asking what was wrong.

"Let me help," Echo said, running to catch them. Clarke began shaking her head 'no' but before she could say the word Echo continued, "if you let each one of us hold onto your arms it could look like we're walking together. Right now it looks like Bellamy is dragging your dead body down the street."

Clarke nodded reluctantly and Bellamy shared her weight with Echo. They each held a forearm and upper arm to keep her up, and Clarke took shakey steps between them, all three smiling at people as they passed as if nothing were wrong. Madi was the giveaway, unable to hide her worry and frequently glancing back to make sure they were doing alright.

When they made it to her cabin Madi rushed to open the door, the only job she'd been given to help and that she was taking very seriously. Bellamy frowned when he noticed the door wasn't locked. Thinking on it, it hadn't been the night he'd shown up drunk either. 

They passed the stack of artwork still on the kitchen table and Madi showed them which room was Clarke's by opening the bedroom door wide. He and Echo lowered Clarke to sit on the edge of her bed and they both dropped to their haunches to assess her.

"I'm fine," Clarke assured them. She looked past them and grinned. "I'm fine, Madi. It's ok. I'm just tired."

"Don't lie to me. I'm not a child."

"Madi, please..." Clarke brought her hand to her temple again. "Can we discuss this in a little while? I'm so tired."

"Come on," Echo said, standing and drawing Madi out of the room with her, "Bellamy said there might be some drawings of me and I've been dying to know."

Madi saw right through her and repeated, "I'm not a child."

"I know you're not, Heda. We need to give Clarke some space and I really would like to see the drawings. I hear they're beautiful. Bellamy told me-" The door closed behind them, their words becoming muffled.

Clarke immediately started tearing up. She turned her gaze towards the ceiling to hide it from him, but Bellamy knew.

"Hey, it's ok. Everything's alright."

"I scared her. She's going to be scared and worrying about me when she needs to be worrying about herself. What I'm doing with this plan puts her in danger. I know that. It's going to be my fault if something happens to her-"

"Nothing is happening to Madi, ever."

"-but someday I'm not going to be here and she's going to be the one in charge. If I do this now she won't have to fight then, when it's all on her shoulders. For now it's still my fault but some people might blame her anyway and I-" Clarke took several deep, deep breaths. Then some more. She wiped her eyes before turning her head back down to his and that disturbing detachment he'd noticed with Raven was back. "Thank you for helping me home and please thank Echo. I think you should go. I need to rest."

"What just happened?"

"Please, Bellamy, I'm tired. I need to sleep."

He knew she meant it so Bellamy hesitantly agreed, beginning to remove her boots. 

"What are you doing?"

"You're so dizzy you can barely see straight. If you bend over to do this right now you'll probably faceplant. Almost done." Once he'd removed each shoe he'd flipped over one corner of her blankets, offering a hand to steady her so she could stand up to crawl beneath them.

"I can do this myself."

"Duh, but I'm already here. Might as well make me good for somethin', right?"

She didn't even pretend to smile, focused as she started getting under the covers. It was still early evening but her eyes could hardly stay open. Before he left, he had to tell her, "Clarke, I'm so sorry. Not even about all of the other stuff, which I still very much need to talk to you about when you're ready, but about this. I didn't want you to come home to this and I didn't mean to make such a huge mess. I honestly didn't see it coming. I tried to keep things together."

"I know you did," Clarke murmured, already half asleep. "It's not easy being in charge, is it?"

He thought of when they'd said those words to each other so many years ago. They'd had no idea what was in store for them and already their crowns had laid heavily. "No. It isn't."

Bellamy was fairly sure Clarke was unconscious by the time he closed the door behind him. In the kitchen Madi was sullenly sitting on the edge of the table, Echo flipping through images silently as they waited for him.

"She's not alright," Madi stated. Her whole body gave off signs of anger but Bellamy knew it was only to mask fear. He knew it well; that had once been his constant state of being.

Sighing, he walked over and propped himself on the edge of the table beside her. So many variables were running through his head of what the right thing to say or do was and he ended up going with his gut. If he'd followed that instinct and insisted on staying with Clarke when all of this started none of these things would be happening.

"No. She's not," Bellamy confirmed, closely watching the profile of Madi's face. There was no point lying to her. Clarke wanted to protect Madi from everything, and Bellamy respected that, but there was a point that protecting her from the truth went too far. "What she went through in Sanctum had some side effects. That's why we were there. She got treatment from Gabriel for it and he says she's going to be perfectly fine soon. For now she's still recovering and supposed to be resting. If we lock her in her room to force her to rest she'll find a way to break out, we both know that, and then she'll be not-resting and we'll be in trouble too." As he spoke Madi had transformed from angry, to contemplative. At the end she was still serious but shot him a look of faint amusement, knowing what he said was true.

"What do we do?"

"What we always do for family. We're going to support her, and look out for her, and when she needs us we're going to help."

"Like today. She wanted the meeting, and when she got sick you saw it and helped her get home."

"Something like that, yeah. Clarke is still your mom and she's still in charge, Heda or not, but we can take care of her back. She loves you so much and it's hard for her to admit she's sick because she doesn't want to worry you. She's not trying to keep secrets from you and we need to respect that talking about it is hard for her. If something seems wrong have someone get me, ok? No matter what. If for whatever reason you can't find me you can get Echo or the others."

"You're going to tell them?" Bellamy could hear judgment in Madi's voice and she had the right. Clarke would seriously not like that. 

That said, he caused a huge problem and she was going to be Clarke and handle it head-on, her own well-being be damned. He couldn't be with her all day every day. Bellamy thought about her bleeding in the bed at Gabriel's and barely contained his shudder. He needed the eyes and ears of people who cared about her - whether she saw that about them or not - until she was feeling better.

"I'm going to tell them to not talk about it because I know it will make her uncomfortable and that's not what I want. What I want is for her to be safe and healthy, and I rather our friends be aware just in case. I promise I won't tell anyone else."

Madi thought about that and then nodded. "That seems fair."

"Thank you. I'm going to go talk to them now. Please lock the door behind me, and I'm going to ask Gaia to come by to check on you - both of you - later. Sound good?"

Madi nodded again and Bellamy got up to go. He only made it a step before being knocked back by the force of Madi's hug when she launched herself at him.

"Thank you, Bellamy," she said into his chest.

Bellamy curled himself around her shorter frame, catching himself a second away from squeezing her as hard as he held Clarke. Their personalities were so big he forgot they were so much smaller than him until they were in his arms. 

"Al-" Bellamy had to clear his throat to speak after Madi pulled away. "Alright. You hold down the fort for now and we'll talk tomorrow. Everything is going to be ok, I promise."

Madi nodded, believing him, and showed he and Echo to the door. He waited to hear the latch click behind them before he headed off to find their friends and explain what was going on. 

"You're going to make a really good father one day," Echo said, sliding her hand into his as they walked. 

"Eh, I don't know about that. Clarke already raised her to be a sweet kid with a good head on her shoulders. One hard conversation a father does not make." He glanced her way but Echo was looking off into the distance and he wasn't sure she even heard him. "Come on," he said, shaking her hand to get her attention. "We need to find the others."

He ended up finding them still in Raven's shop, discussing and debating about their part's in Clarke's plan. Jackson thought the medical center should be built before any houses because if people were hurt in the process of building said houses, they would need a facility and people being trained to help an influx of injuries. Indra felt like at least some houses had to be built first to spark interest and morale or their plan would lose the momentum it needed to be successful. Miller and Emori were thinking through how they were going to execute their census as tactfully as possible. Bellamy paused in the doorway for a moment, appreciating it. 

He still, by far and large, felt guilty. His secondary emotion was incredible pride. Clarke never ceased to amaze. Bellamy had strongly known the whole time things would be better if they were together, and here they were. He'd do whatever she asked to make this work but only she was the one who knew what to ask of him. He tried but no one could compare to her. This afternoon they'd been on the brink of chaos and tonight they were talking about medical school and how quickly homes could be built.

Bellamy didn't deserve how many times Clarke had come to his rescue, in more ways than one. None of them did. 

As soon as that thought occurred to him, it filled him. It resounded in him. That thought was perhaps the truest he'd ever had, he realized. He had to sit with it for a moment.

Bellamy began to look around at everyone there. Talking and animated, engaged with the purpose she'd given them as much as she intended to give the entirety of Wonkru. Meanwhile, Clarke had hardly been able to walk out of the room. She was surely going to wake up in the middle of the night with nightmares so bad she was causing physical harm before she was awake enough to stop herself. They'd been concerned when he'd half dragged her out of here; their silence told him that much. Who but Echo had actually followed them to offer to help?

Walking into the room, Octavia was the first to see him and she shushed everyone else before baldly asking, "what's wrong with Clarke?"

Like with Madi, he paused, considering. That took him down a rabbit hole. That brought to mind Madi looking up at him, believing him when he promised her Clarke was going to be ok without question. Which made him think about Clarke when she'd been tied down, telling him about how they'd starved together, all the while Clarke telling Madi that they would all come back and everything would be better, and they'd made their lives worse. Abby died. Madi almost died from both bone marrow extraction and Sheidheda. Clarke technically died twice - once when she was mind-wiped and they'd 'forgiven' the people who'd done that to her, and once when she'd stopped breathing, her heart not beating under his hands - and she'd been dying again in Sanctum without telling them.

Bellamy studied each of them once more. They were concerned. They weren't concerned enough. So he went with his gut.

Bellamy flat out told them. He didn't sugar coat it as he had for Madi. And he told them everything.

No, he didn't tell them about the nightmares or the things she's said in the Primes lab. That was way, way too far past the line of things they needed to know. He wasn't going to tell them anything that was private between them. Everything else was fair game.

Bellamy knew he was only stating facts as he began, letting them all carry their own weight of sins for once. Despite that, he somehow felt like he was betraying her trust by acknowledging the things she'd done. Clarke never mentioned it or asked for praise or thanks. She let all of the good she did go unnoticed and let each of them, himself included at times, see only the bad and hate her for it.

He told them she died in Gabriel's tent, choking out the words. When she'd miraculously come back to him she'd gotten up and immediately insisted on going to Sanctum for them. She knew about their deal to play nice with the people who killed her and she'd still wanted to risk her life to save them. She'd intentionally put herself in even more danger to save as many people as she could in the revolt against the Primes. He told Raven that Clarke, on no more than a hope it wouldn't hurt her, had run into the radiation fence to try to save Shaw. Told Murphy that Clarke hadn't been mad at him for a second for helping Josephine; she'd only been grateful for what he'd done for the rest of them.

He deserved more blame than anyone, by far, and he was sure to make that clear by pointing out how time and again. That said, long before they landed in Sanctum they'd all wronged Clarke. He didn't say how or when. They knew. She'd borne it time, and time, and time again. She'd taken the brunt of all the blame and guilt for always doing what it took to keep her loved ones alive, of all things. For keeping them all alive. 

Bellamy told them that they'd 'given her space' when she needed them and that she'd been sick, deathly ill, and none of them had noticed. That she'd been mere days away from dying, again, and had walked to Gabriel in the night because she needed help and clearly thought none of them would care. That yesterday she'd had what amounted to brain surgery, and was still recovering, and there was no way they could stop her from helping them fix what he'd broken even if they tried. 

And finally, that she didn't want to admit she wasn't fine but that she wasn't, and he needed them to help him watch over her and Madi because it was the very least they could do.

By the time he was finished everyone in the room was crying to one degree or another, no one more than Bellamy himself.


	9. Clarke

Clarke's first concern was Madi. The entire drive to the settlement as she'd asked Bellamy and Murphy questions and drawn out the new borders between clans all she could think was 'over my dead body.' Her daughter was not going to grow up in a world like the one they'd left behind.

Searching for a way to change that wasn't easy. It made sense why people made 'us vs. them' groups to start with and must be comforting to fall back into when insecure about their place in the world. Her first thought was that the map had to change. Physically seeing an 'us vs. them' reenforced their division. But how did she change it? They needed to be one big clan. What made individual clans work that she could replicate?

When she came to their roles in society it all clicked together. What she needed to do was make a new option of who they felt validated by. In individual clans, there was no conflict between the farmers and the hunters. They knew they needed each other even though they were different. The farmers had farming in common so they had a mutual understanding of each other. All the clans had those components, they just weren't crossing them over.

Clarke spent the car ride thinking about how to make this herculean task happen as quickly as possible. Firstly, she didn't want Madi to spend another day in the danger rivaling clans put a Heda in. Secondly, the more people became used to the way things were would make it harder to wipe it clean and start over. And thirdly, she was still leaving. 

She'd stay until this problem was resolved. When Madi was safe she had to go. The fact still remained that without a fight she was nothing. Now that there was one, she could function and had a purpose. As soon as it was over she'd be exactly where she'd been before. And it would be over soon. She was going to make sure of it for Madi's sake.

When they arrived there was already a fight in progress, making her feel right at home. 

"That's enough," she told the raging crowd, Bellamy backing her up when she ordered them to go home. When a Trikru man started for her, calling her a murderer, and slaughterer, she took it. He wasn't wrong.

Before she got the chance to move Bellamy out of the way so she could handle the man herself, Madi stepped in front of him, protecting them.

Clarke's blood ran cold and it was like the world stopped spinning. 

She instinctively started forward, wanting to drag Madi behind her and to safety. Then she heard Madi speak and became rooted to the spot. Every word Madi said... God, she sounded exactly like Lexa. It startled Clarke out of her mom-tunnel vision enough to really see the scene in front of her. The murderous crowd was bowing at Madi's feet. With her long brown hair and that voice, Madi was like a little Lexa to her in that moment. She'd always been so brave, and kind, and smart. Seeing those traits in her as a leader; well, she could only think of one comparison.

When Madi ran to her, and hugged her, Clarke's heart was in her throat and it was hard to speak. "I'm going to kill you for that," Clarke told her for scaring twenty years off of her life, kissing her child's head between every word. "You are in so, so much trouble." Madi nodded into her chest. Yes, she knew she was in so much trouble. She also said she was glad to have Clarke back and missed her and that took a bit of the sting out of knowing Madi did what she did despite knowing Clarke would be upset about it.

Not that anyone, ever, would know this, but the truth was that Clarke had felt - barely, through the fear and worry - was a pulse of such deep pride. Who wouldn't be when their daughter so distinctly reminded them of one of the most wonderful people they'd ever known? 

Their conversation was not remotely over but Clarke was distracted by Octavia as she greeted her. Indra clasped her forearm as well with a faint smile. Miller and she had always been huggers and they shared one, him pulling back and immediately saying: "Where the hell did you go?"

"I had to go back to Sanctum for a visit, that's all."

He cocked an eyebrow at her. "Ok, well I was the one who helped Bellamy put together a search party when you went on your little visit, so maybe next time leave us a note?"

"You got it. Jackson's good?"

"He's perfect," Miller said, corny as hell, and Clarke groaned before chuckling with him. 

"Clarke," Gaia came to her side, touching her arm. "I really did tell her to stay home. I'm sorry. I don't want you to think-"

Clarke stopped her. "I know you did. You've always looked after Madi's best interest and I appreciate it. I shouldn't be so surprised; I would have done the same thing and Madi's far braver than I am."

"She's strong, Clarke. I hope you see how much that's true. She showed it to them today. I know you love her but maybe consider she's more, and will someday be much more, than just your little girl."

Clarke turned away. She flat out turned away from Gaia, done with the conversation. She turned and the first thing she saw was Bellamy and Echo kissing no more than a couple of feet away and shuddered, getting light-headed suddenly. So not that way. She turned and Emori and Murphy were in her way from that direction. Clarke suddenly felt a little like an animal in a trap. She didn't want to talk to Gaia, she couldn't bear to look at Bellamy and Echo, and-

"Raven's shop is that way," Emori told her softly, pointing towards where they'd come.

"Thanks. Thank you." Clarke took off at a quick pace, grabbing Madi's hand as she went. "I need you to go home. I have to meet with the others but I'll be there right after."

"What are you meeting about?"

"Nothing."

"If it's about my people I need to be there."

"Your people, huh?"

"Clarke, please. Please listen to me." Madi said it so imploringly Clarke glanced at her and got trapped in those big blue eyes. In them she saw everything Madi was feeling.

Clarke remembered those feelings so clearly. She'd tried to explain herself to her mother, to Kane, and no one would listen, so she would take matters into her own hands. She didn't want Madi to feel that way and she certainly didn't want her to behave that way. Even if they ended up arguing, which of course they would, she could do better than dismissing her outright.

Clarke nodded and the smile Madi gave her already made her decision worth it.

"Before Sheidheda locked the other Commanders away they talked to me. Whispered to me in my dreams all the time we were in cryosleep. I didn't have the control Gaia was trying to teach me but I remember some of it. I'm not a real Commander anymore but I do have at least a little of their wisdom-"

"That's my point. You aren't a Commander so-"

"You said you would listen." 

Clarke sucked her lips into her mouth, fighting to not already say more, and tilted her head for Madi to continue.

"I might not be a real Commander but I am their Commander. They are already feeling lost, you have to see that. If we take away having a Heda to look to it will make things worse. The Flame is gone. We can't give it to someone else so it has to be me and I have to be strong. Weakness is death." Clarke looked at Madi sharply and Madi gave her a knowing nod. "Love is not. Today I stood up to Edzun in front of everyone and I looked strong. I did it because I love you but there was a benefit; I know that you love me too so if anything went wrong, if he didn't listen, you would help."

"You've always been so smart and that's some good thinking. I still don't want you to be Heda."

"I know but it has to be me, and wouldn't you rather I be the one moving the pieces than be a pawn in someone else's game?"

Clarke frowned. "That doesn't sound like you."

Madi looked a little abashed but didn't back down. "They need me to lead and if I'm a powerful, good ruler I'll be safer than if I was a former Heda who gave up on them."

That was an especially fair point. Clarke wanted Madi to be safe above everything, above her own instincts and urges, and looking strong in front of her people was the way to achieve that. Lexa had received the Flame at the same age as Madi and she accomplished so much. If not for Titus she would have lived so much longer, safer than any Heda before her, because she intimidated everyone into doing what she wanted and what she wanted happened to be for the greater good. 

"It's killing me to see your point-"

"But you do." She didn't ask it. 

Clarke recognized Madi was going to do this with or without her, just as she herself would have done in Madi's place. At least if she was in on it Clarke could protect her.

It made her plan to address the issues in their settlement much, much harder. Clarke had intended to ship Madi off to Sanctum until everything was over but a move like that would undermine her completely and she'd be overthrown, likely violently.

If they did this now, with Madi in place, if everything went well they would give her all of the credit. Their community would be stable enough that Madi wouldn't have to face such dire situations alone in the future. If things went wrong Clarke would be there to take the blame for it and that was fine by her.

"I do. This is going to be dangerous, and difficult."

"It has to be done; our only choice is alone or together. I want to together."

"Together," Clarke agreed, giving the hand she was holding a squeeze. She'd been about to say more when- 

"Clarke!" Raven was coming out of her machine shop ahead, laden with a huge bag that did not help her limp. She dropped it and closed the distance, hugging Clarke so hard it almost hurt.

She allowed herself one moment to enjoy it and slipped her arms around Raven in return. Then she let the truth settle in. They were in trouble. Everyone was willing to be around her and listen to her when they were in trouble and they might need someone to the blame when it was over. She thought of Raven hugging her, seeming like she meant it just like now, saying 'I'm so sorry about Abby,' and then acting like they didn't know one another. 

Clarke reminded herself about her new rules when it came to all of them: Pleasant. Different. Distant. Fake it until you make it. She had to remember that none of it was real.

Bellamy broke them up and then tried to check on her. She didn't have time for it. Their empty gestures were delaying her from getting this plan in action and this plan was how she was going to make Madi safe and secure, creating a lasting peace for her to grow up in and preside over. They were there for business and that was all.

Clarke found that, of all things, running their meeting was the hardest to disengage from. She felt like herself again; herself before she was so broken. Everyone was talking to her like the used to, their dynamics were all the same as they'd once been. They were working together towards a common goal like they had so many times before.

It wasn't real, it wasn't real, it wasn't real. They were faking it. When she was done helping them with this they wouldn't bother with her. She had to remember it wasn't real, because if she didn't she'd get her hopes up and in doing so break her own heart.

Not that it was Madi's fault at all, but when she brought up naming their community Wonkru Clarke had bit the inside of her cheek to keep herself from reacting. When Gaia had said 'we are Wonkru; our home is Wonkru,' Clarke felt like the walls started moving in. She wasn't Wonkru. Spacekru from the Ring had each other and were already considered a part of Wonkru now. Madi was their leader. Everyone was a part of them, everyone belonged there, except her. Everyone had a home except her.

The walls pressed in closer and the floor began to shift. Clarke tried to ignore, keeping her voice level and her mind task-oriented. They were the last people she wanted to be weak in front of. More importantly, they had things to do.

She wasn't finished when a wave of dizziness hit her so hard she almost fell over right then and there. The world was spinning so fast Clarke felt like she was going to throw up. She bit the inside of her cheek again to keep herself composed but by the time things came back into focus Bellamy was the first thing she saw. He was so close and looked so concerned and the first thing she thought was 'I love you.' She bit her cheek again so hard she tasted blood, willing to eat the whole damn thing rather than say that out loud. 

From there things got worse. She felt like she was drunk; everything was distorted and hazy. She saw Madi's face. Her feet as she concentrated so hard on walking; Bellamy and Echo's hands on her arms. Then she was in her room and saw Madi again and she looked so scared that Clarke put everything she had to really being in that moment. She told Madi she was fine and saw Madi not believe her. Then she was with Bellamy. Words began coming out of her mouth even as a part of her brain started chanting: 'not him, not him, not anymore, not him.' She made herself focus on that and took deep breaths until that chant went on long enough for her to comprehend it. Then there was movement, and there was speaking, but it all felt on autopilot. Finally, there was a bed, and there was dark, and there was sleep.

Clarke sat straight up. It hurt, god, it hurt. She had to get it out. She had to make it stop. It took longer to actually wake up but when she did she stared at her hands for a minute until she understood what she was seeing. There were socks. There were socks on her hands, each tied with string around the wrists. They had prevented her from scratching before she realized what was happening.

She laughed. She couldn't help it. Bellamy was resourceful; she'd give him that. He was the only one who knew about her nightmares so it couldn't have been anyone else. 

It was a good thing she left them on. She had the nightmare twice more that night, each time waking in a panic, and each time amused by her sock-hands once she calmed down. Clarke realized the first night she'd had that particular nightmare she'd sat awake afterward so it hadn't had the chance to return. Then she'd been essentially dead in a gutter. The other times Bellamy had been there. Now that she was alone they were more frequent but lucky her - she smiled again - she had socks.

When she opened her eyes for the final time, the sun was shining too brightly through the window they'd cleverly created out of a cryo-bed. It was past dawn, which was when Clarke had grown accustomed to waking. Worried about Madi, she popped up quickly, tugged at the string of her nightmare socks with her mouth and yanked them off as she went. 

The house was empty and Clarke reminded herself that Madi didn't need her anymore. She was perfectly capable of getting up and walking to the mess hall by herself; there was no food Clarke needed to find and serve. That heightened her dedication to making her plan work. It was the last thing left Clarke could do to take care of her. 

It was past first light, but not by much, so Clark hurried to get ready. She might catch the others and there were tasks she hadn't mentioned by the time her useless body had betrayed her in the middle of their strategy session. They had more work to do and she had to begin outlining infrastructure and the land plots they'd have to work with.

She jogged to Raven's shop and was disappointed to see she'd missed the larger group. Only Raven, Emori, and Murphy were inside. "Everyone else already left?"

They all shared quick glances with one another, and Clarke didn't let herself feel surprised. They were probably already well into talking badly about her behind her back now that they'd been forced to speak to her.

"Bellamy said you'd be, uhm, you'd be busy this morning," Emori said, worse at lying than any former con artist should be. "Since you wouldn't be here we didn't bother to meet. He said after lunch would be better."

"Sure." Clarke tried to keep a straight face. If they were thinking they could take her idea and run with it themselves, excluding her, in any other circumstance she'd follow through with her option to learn how to survive on her own from Gabriel and be merrily on her way. However, now Madi was involved. No matter how much they wanted her to disappear she wasn't going anywhere until her daughter's future was safe. "Raven, do you have the map printed yet?"

"I'll get started now. Since I thought we had all morning, Emori and I were talking about a curriculum for classes. We wanted to get down some ideas to compare with Jackson when we got together. None of us have ever taught before so-"

"Ok." Plans for the morning ruined, Clarke had plenty more to choose from. "If you could do that sooner rather than later I'd appreciate it. I'd like to get started on building sites."

"Yeah, of course. Why don't you stay here with us until it's done?"

It wasn't real, it wasn't real- "How long will that take?"

"High rez, the size we want it... I'd say about half an hour."

"I've got other things to do; I'll come back. Thanks." As Clarke turned to leave Raven and Emori both stood up.

"Where are you going?" Emori asked.

Clarke already knew they expected her to ruin Wonkru - hence putting her house next to Bellamy and Echo so they could guard everyone else from her long term - but keeping tabs on her every movement like she was going to start tearing the place apart any second with her bare hands was a bit much. "I'm going to visit with some people. Nothing exciting. I'll be back."

Next was Raven with, "do you want us to come with you?"

Clarke tried to suppress her annoyance but it was hard. "I thought you were working on curriculum and printing the map." Both started trying to come up with excuses and Clarke finally snapped, "you have things to do to make this work. Do them. I'll be back."

She didn't make it far before someone fell into step beside her. "What are you doing Murphy?"

"I don't have a job and they're being all brainy and boring."

"I can find you one easily."

"Naw, I want to enjoy the Clarke show for a bit. I'd put money down that whatever you're about to do won't be boring."

"What makes you say that?"

"Because I can see your face with my eyes, that's why."

Clarke had no idea what that meant and she wasn't going to ask. "Whatever. Don't get in my way."

"I wouldn't dream of it."

At least he didn't try talking to her. Their destination wasn't far out of the camp proper but it was further than anything else. Every now and then Clarke could swear she felt Murphy looking at her from where he trailed a half step behind, but every time she glanced over he'd be staring straight ahead, a flat expression in place. 

"I believe the words you used were that you were 'going to visit some people and it wouldn't be exciting,'" Murphy used finger quotes to be annoying. "Would you like to amend that statement?" he asked as they approached the Eligius encampment. 

The prisoners had built their camp near the rest of the settlement but far enough away to decidedly not be a part of it. It was a tent city made out of emergency parachutes. They either didn't have the motivation or the knowledge to start building real houses of their own or repurposing the ship's tech. That made what Wonkru had worth stealing.

"They are people," Clarke said calmly, "and if everyone does what I want it will be unexciting."

Murphy continued by her side at a leisurely stroll, his dry voice unwavering. "If you and I weren't cockroaches I would be concerned right now."

"Good thing we are."

"Yeah, good thing," he sighed as three of the Eligius prisoners caught sight of them and walked to meet them halfway. 

"What do we have here?" the one leading them asked. Tattoos that ran from his fingertips to his face were all skulls, predators, naked girls, and weapons. Overcompensating much?

"I'm here to speak to Diyoza. Where is she?"

The man stepped closer, into Clarke's space. In her peripheral Clarke noticed Murphy start to move and held up a hand to stop him.

"How about you and me have a conversation first? I haven't seen a sweet thing like you in a while. Your little friend there won't mind, right?" He gestured towards Murphy.

"No, but I will," Clarke saw the man reaching towards her and glowered. She was here to talk peace with Diyoza and this was the foot they were starting off on. "Don't touch me."

"I have a thing for blondes," he told her as if it was a secret, leaning close enough that his disgusting hot breath reached her, taking one lock of her hair and running his fingers down it.

Remorseless, Clarke touched the man's wrist lightly and ran it up to where his hand was on her. There was a moment he must have thought she was into what he was doing because his lecherous eyes turned dark. Clarke then wrapped her hand around his middle finger and yanked it backward, throwing her weight into it. She felt the pop as it dislocated. 

He fell to his knees with a sharp scream. "You bitch! You fucking crazy bitch-"

She pulled out the knife she'd tucked into the waistline of her jeans for such an occasion and leveled it at his eye. Looking at his friends she repeated, "I would like to speak to Diyoza. Where is she?"

One of the men looked torn, unsure if he should try to tackle her or not. She moved the knife closer to the screaming man's eye to encourage him to be smart. The other was ten steps ahead and said, "right this way, ma'am."

"Thank you." Clarke tucked the knife back into her jeans, not wanting to greet Diyoza with a blade in hand. She started after him and Murphy once more fell into step.

"I knew you wouldn't be boring," he told her and they shared smirks. "How are you feeling?"

Clarke pulled a face. "What?"

"She's right in here," their guide said and Clarke nodded in thanks before ducking into the tent. 

"My, my, my. Clarke Griffin. I heard a man screaming out there. I should have known it was you paying me a house call," Diyoza said through groans as she worked her way off the cot she'd been laying on and stood to shake Clarke's hand, her heavily pregnant belly impeding her.

"You need to teach your men some manners."

"Ain't that the damn truth." She gestured to stacked tubs to use as seats and lowered herself to sit back on the edge of the cot. "To what do I owe this great honor?"

"I have a proposition for you," Clarke's eyes fell to Diyoza's belly, "one you're going to like."

"Is that so?"

"We're getting our settlement built out and it will be happening quickly. Not only will it include a school but I can guarantee you a plot of land and house next to it if that's where you'd like to be. Make it a bit easier for little legs to manage every day. If you have another preference you can let me know."

Diyoza's eyes glossed over for a second and Clarke knew she had her. In her mind she'd seen her child holding her hand, walking to school. Now it was the details. Diyoza's eyes sharpened back to their usual cunning clarity.

"And what does that pretty little life cost me?"

"Not much. I want you to swear, on you and your child's lives, that you will protect Madi. That will be your only job. You'll get a home constructed for you at the location of your choosing, free food from the mess hall, safety and an education for your child."

"What's the catch?"

"No catch. I want my daughter safe. I know you can make that happen better than anyone, and I can make the things I'm offering happen for you."

"A daughter for a daughter. Seems reasonable." Diyoza searched Clarke's face and arched an eyebrow. "I will ask again: what's the catch?"

"I wouldn't call it a catch. I would call it an exclusive offer. You are invited into Wonkru if you swear to protect Madi, unconditionally and forever. Your men are a different story. I have everything else planned out and under control. The one thing I can't figure out is what to do with thirteen sociopathic murderers."

Diyoza tsked. "No need to call names, but I see your point. What do you want me to do about it?"

"That part we need to figure out together. They can't be separate from Wonkru. That said, I can't invite dangerous people into our community. One of your guys out there already proved my point. So tell me this: how many of your people would you be comfortable with your daughter growing up next to? Who would you trust to be productive members of our new society? Everything is so delicate right now. We can't mess this up or our kids are going to grow up in a world like the one we left behind."

As she spoke Diyoza watched Clarke with such intensity she was sure the woman knew what the back of her head looked like from the front. "Eight," she said without hesitation.

"Eight?"

"I trust eight of these men to do better. They'll make the most of a second chance and probably be better members of society than you or I ever will be."

"That's not really saying much," Clarke grimaced and Diyoza laughed.

"True, true. So, my answer is eight. What do you want to do with the other five?"

"We have to kill them. It's the only way to be 100% sure they won't hurt our people," Murphy said, joining the conversation.

"Cold-blooded; I like it. Is that the plan, princess?"

"You call her that too?"

"What other name could there be for her? It fits."

"Some prefer Commander of Death."

"Is that so? I have questions-"

"Guys." Clarke refocused them from the unfortunate bonding session at her expense. "We worry about the other five later. For right now, I know to set aside nine plots for your people. Do you want to be near the school?" Diyoza nodded. "Great. Do the eight you're bringing have any special skills, trades, anything that can help me determine where to group them?"

"They will sincerely be happy anywhere but I'll put together a detailed list and send one of them to you. You can do whatever you want with it."

"Thank you," Clarke got up and went to Diyoza to shake her hand so she wouldn't have to get back up. As she left Murphy did as well, then took longer to exit the tent. Clarke narrowed her eyes at him.

"What? We were comparing meatloaf recipes."

Clarke shook her head. She probably didn't want to know. As they walked out of camp Clarke's new friend with the screwed up finger was nowhere in sight.

On the way back Murphy broke their silence with an unexpected, "that was badass."

"What was?"

"That," Murphy jerked his thumb over his shoulder.

Clarke searched for what to say. Compliments from Murphy were not something she was prepared for. "Thanks?"

"Uh huh." They walked a little further and he said, "You know, I always thought the escalation from 'princess' to 'Wanheda' in the span of a few months was because you were super good at killing people, but since Sanctum... I think it's that." He jerked his thumb back towards Eligius again. "I think you're good at that."

"Ripping people's fingers out of their sockets and using a child's life as leverage to protect mine?"

Murphy scoffed at that and side-eyed her. "Yeah, basically. Come up with a crazy idea to fix things, take no shit and then do what it takes to get the job done. You decided to walk up to a bunch of serial killers and tell them what to do and then you did it." He shrugged. "That was badass."

They were entering their settlement again and Clarke was grateful to be around other people in the event Murphy was having a psychotic break. It was one thing for the others to say and do nice things they didn't mean. John Murphy? Were they dosing him with something strong enough to get him to forget he hated her? That was the best explanation she could come up with. Murphy was high.

"How are you feeling?" he asked again on the way to Raven's shop.

"That's the second time you've asked me that. I think we need to take you to see Jackson."

"Har har. I'm fine. Only- Do you remember in Sanctum when I told you I needed to talk to you?"

Clarke nodded slowly. Yeah, that moment of morbid curiosity. Of course she remembered that. It was like seeing a growling dog and thinking 'what if I pet it?'

"I still do as an FYI. Not now but soon."

"Ok," Clarke dragged out the word, filling it with all of her suspicions. "Do I need to fear for my life?"

"Naw," they finally reached Raven's shop and Murphy opened the door for her, his expression back to a blank-slate with ever intently watching eyes. "You're life is gonna be just fine."

"Good to know."

Inside everyone shared their obnoxious meaningful glances about her being there. She took the printout from Raven and moved as far away from them as she could as she started the first rough draft of where to place community buildings that would make sense to distribute people near. She lost track of time as she worked, only knowing it was lunchtime when the others invited her to join them at the mess hall. The thought made her want to throw up. Sure, they wanted to hang out with her, feed her, now. Clarke declined and they left without her.

When they came back ten minutes later it was with Bellamy in tow. He'd brought a second plate for her. When he tried to pull her away from her work she snapped she was busy - because she was, dammit, there wasn't time to waste - he drew close and talked in a low voice next to her ear so the others wouldn't hear him.

"You're not better yet. Yesterday proved that. You can't help Wonkru and you can't help Madi if you aren't strong enough to stand. Please take a break. Please eat."

"Are you going to use Madi to guilt-trip me into doing what you want forever?"

Bellamy pulled back enough for her to see him wearing his most devilish, handsome grin. "Hey, whatever works." He put his hand on her back to guide her away from the drafting table to where they were eating nearby and on the way...

"Thank you for last night. Helping me get home and the-" she tried to suppress her silly smile but it was hard "-the socks."

He chuckled at that, rubbing his hand on her back as they walked. "You don't have to thank me for either of those. Consider my socks your socks."

There was no use. She laughed. When she looked back at Bellamy his smile had stretched ear to ear.

Sitting before the plate he'd fixed for her, Clarke did her best to eat with them even though her stomach was sour. They kept trying to joke around with her, talk about funny memories, the whole gambit. The more they tried the more blatantly forced it felt. 

Clarke stuck to her rules: Pleasant. Different. Distant. Fake it until you make it.

She smiled politely when they joked. She didn't engage when they started fake-playfully teasing her or asked her if she remembered one thing or another. She did her best to keep herself from feeling anything at all. She could do this. She could go through these motions with them. Soon interacting with them like this would seem like a perfectly normal way to behave and she wouldn't even notice it. She just had to get used to it first. 

For now, it was hard. It was so hard because she so badly wished she was one of them, that this was real, but it wasn't. The reality was that she was not Spacekru, she was not Wonkru, she needed to accept that she was alone and get over it. Accepting a lie as the truth because it made her feel better was not who she was. That touchstone was what kept her going as the meal dragged on.

Emori put a hand on her shoulder, snapping her out of the internal battle her mind had disappeared into. "Clarke, you're bleeding." How she was saying it made her feel like she already had several times and Clarke hadn't heard her.

Bellamy was already there, handing her a tissue for her nose bleed and pulling out her seat to help her get up. "Come on, I'll get you home."

"Why?"

"Why? You need to rest. Let me take you home."

"I'm fine. This is a tiny nosebleed. It's not that big of a deal. Look, it's already stopped."

"Well it's a big deal to me."

"That's not my problem. We have work to do and I won't be able to 'rest' until it gets done. Help me facilitate the meeting and as soon as it's over I'll go."

Bellamy stared down at her for a long minute. Their eyes stayed locked, neither willing to back down.

"Fine," he pushed off her chair and scrubbed at his face. "But we do the meeting and then you go home."

That's what she was planning on doing anyway but she'd let him think he won something. "Fine."

"Great." Bellamy stalked back to his chair and threw himself into it.

Only then did Clarke notice everyone else had frozen and were watching them the whole time.

"So," Murphy started tapping out a beat with his utensils to fill the silence. "Coding. Tell me about coding, Raven."

At the limit of what she could bear, Clarke got up and went back to her map.


	10. Bellamy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Story Note:  
> We're gettin' things going.
> 
> Personal Note:  
> I can't say it enough! I'm so grateful for and excited about you guys reading any of this. Thank you, this makes me so incredibly happy.

Bellamy didn't know why he'd thought he could take care of Clarke. When had that ever been the case? Like an idiot he'd brought her from Sanctum, thinking 'she'll just tell me what to do and I'll do it', 'I'll be able to get her to rest', and worst off his notion that she was going to listen to anything he asked her to do when she had a cause to fight for. 

He'd tried to end their meeting several times so she'd take a break and go home. Now that everyone was on team 'help Clarke for once,' some of the others had tried to come up with excuses of having to go, why they should call it for the day. The first couple of times she'd graciously shut them down and carried on. Once she'd lost her patience she began reminding people that they didn't have to be there if they didn't want to, she wasn't done speaking, and finally, when at one point Miller said he needed to check in with patrol and that they could meet again tomorrow Clarke looked him dead in the eye, flatly said "bye," and kept talking. He hadn't left and no one else tried to end the meeting.

When she did call it they really had gotten an incredible amount of work done. In one day her plan went from an idea to a detailed list of tasks, assignments, locations, and timelines. She listened to their opinions and any debates that came up. She didn't let there be any pending choices, however. Decisions were made then and there and then they were moving on. Clarke wasn't allowing any kind of delay. 

Bellamy watched her diligently the entire time for symptoms, prepared to suffer the consequences and throw her over his shoulder to get her to go home if he saw anything, but Clarke looked fine. She looked better than fine actually. 

He hadn't been able to put his finger on what was different about her lately, beyond the obvious, and seeing her now he understood. Clarke had always been - objectively - beautiful. That said, what made Clarke look like herself was her personality. She was so intense and vibrant and sometimes a weird crazy ball of complicated, but that's what you saw when you looked at her. She'd been sick, and she'd certainly looked sick, so he thought that accounted for why she looked so incredibly off to him but that wasn't it. Now he saw that her illness didn't encompass all that was wrong. 

During lunch she hadn't been sicker than she was now, for example, and she had disturbed him at lunch. When they'd been alone he'd gotten her to laugh which felt like winning some kind of prize. Then they'd sat down and she... Turned off. It was like someone took the batteries out of her. They'd all tried to get her back into the moment but the more they tried it was like the further away she went. When she was staring at the wall behind Raven's head she'd begun having another nosebleed. It was faint, a smudge, but enough to scare them. Raven told her she was bleeding and when she didn't respond Emori grabbed her and repeated it. By the time Bellamy was there pulling out her seat to take her home, she was blinking back into existence and insisting on staying. 

Their stare-off reminded him that there was simply no telling Clarke what to do. The more he told her to leave the more she'd want to stay. If he forced her to leave not only would he feel the fallout, she would too by going out of her way to prove he was wrong and she was more capable than he thought, which meant pushing herself to her limit.

So they stayed and she had her damn meeting. By the time it was over it had gone from roughly an hour past lunch to almost dinnertime and she didn't seem the least bit tired from all the mental strain she'd put on herself for hours. She looked more like herself than she had before; lit from inside with purpose and drive. As she started packing away her things and having side conversations with some of them, Bellamy had thought he'd have time to step out to quickly go to the bathroom. In the few minutes it took him to return she was gone, naturally.

"She's maaaaad at you," Raven said with raised brows and shaking her head in pity as she packed things away, as if he wasn't perfectly aware of that. "The second you were out the door she basically sprinted out of here."

"Sounds about right. Did you see which way she was going?"

"Jackson went after her to make sure she got home, don't worry." When Bellamy continued to be very clearly worried, Raven put everything down and turned to face him. "Look, now that we all know... what we know, we're not going to let anything happen to her, I promise. She's not only yours to protect. Relax. We've got this."

The thought occurred to Bellamy that it shouldn't have taken that for them to have her back because she'd had theirs all these years. He let it go for now. They were helping him and he'd take what he could get. They had their own business to work through with Clarke and he had his. He was worried enough about his. He waited there until Jackson came back in and gave him the thumbs up that Clarke was safe and sound at home. At least Bellamy had that one thing to not worry about for half a second.

Leaving, he went to the mess hall to have a supply discussion with the workers before they were completely overwhelmed by the dinner crowd. Not that Bellamy would make Clarke feel bad by telling her, but adding constantly worrying about how she was doing almost had his head underwater. None of the day-to-day issues and responsibilities of running Wonkru had vanished when she arrived and he'd had to play catchup with everything that happened while he was gone. The Trikru-Azgeda fire, for instance. He'd had no more than a couple hours of sleep each night and felt like he was juggling fifty problems at once, staring at Clarke the whole time.

His next stop was going to be Miller, who actually had needed to check in with patrol. Bellamy didn't make it far before something had him slowly cocking his head in dangerous, wary curiosity. 

Standing along the side of one of their dirt roadways stood a mountain-sized man in an Eligius jumpsuit. Who must have come in unseen by patrol. That was well beyond enough to have Bellamy's hackles raised. What was worse was how suspicious the man looked; nervous, toying with something in his hands as he stood there, watching everyone passing by. There wasn't any official rule that the Eligius prisoners weren't allowed to visit Wonkru but none had before, choosing to live off on their own out of sight. Bellamy thought of what Clarke had said: that was going to be a problem. He wondered if this man was a sign she was right.

"Can I help you?" Bellamy asked as he walked straight up to him, tense and ready if the prisoner made a false move.

Much to his surprise the man grinned in relief. "Yeah, actually, thank you. I didn't want to freak anyone out by stopping them but I don't know where I'm going. Do you know a Clarke Griffin? Blonde, pretty, about ye high."

Bellamy clenched his jaw and briefly squeezed his eyes tight, trying to imagine why he didn't expect that answer. "Yeah, I know her. Why do you ask?"

"I need to deliver something to her. Could you point me toward where I might find her?"

"You can give me whatever you're delivering. I'll make sure she gets it."

He shook his head, seeming sincerely regretful. "I'm sorry. Diyoza told me to give it to only Clarke. I'm not willing to piss either of them off so if you could point me in her direction..."

There was no way in hell Bellamy was showing some random guy where Clarke lived, let alone a criminal. "She could be in a couple of places. You can wait in the mess hall. Have a meal on us while I track her down." A meal they could barely afford to offer.

The man thanked him kindly and Bellamy forced a smile as he pointed out where he should wait. As soon as he was settled in Bellamy went to go find and fight with Clarke. 

Things didn't even start off well. First he knocked on her door. He knew she was in there and he knew that despite his wishes there was no way she was asleep. When she didn't answer, praying she didn't leave her door unlocked again, he turned the handle and it opened right up. She gave an indignant little "hey!" when he walked in and sprawled a hand out on the kitchen table as if there was a way to hide the huge map she'd stolen and was working on at home.

"Clarke, you are killing me. Why. Why." It wasn't even a question. Just... Why.

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"You need to lock your door, firstly. Secondly, our deal was you were supposed to rest after the meeting. And thirdly-"

"I lock the door when Madi's here and for the record, our deal was that I would come home."

Bellamy buried his face into his hands for a second to resist the urge to argue with her about those topics while they had bigger fish to fry. "I also ran into an Eligius prisoner walking through our camp."

Clarke stood and started rolling up the map. "Was he looking for me?"

"Why yes. Yes he was. Would you mind telling me why a murderer is walking through our camp looking for you?"

"I think if we asked all murderers to stop walking through our camp it would be empty. Did you bring him here? Is he outside?

"No, I didn't bring him here. What is going on?"

"Mess hall then." Clarke tucked the map away into some type of hidden holster she'd created under her kitchen table that Bellamy was entirely unsurprised by and walked past him, not locking the damn door behind her.

Bellamy caught up fast. "Please explain to me what is going on."

"I ran into Diyoza today. We caught up. She shared her meatloaf recipe," Clarke chuckled to herself and Bellamy contained the urge to start begging her to be honest with him. 

Clarke shrugged and picked up her pace as if she was going to lose him; as if he hadn't always shortened his so they could walk side-by-side. "You ran into her, huh? That's your story?"

"You don't have to come with me if you're going to be upset about it. I've got things under control."

"Of course I'm coming with you. Will you at least tell me what this is about?"

He really thought she wasn't going to answer him, finally saying, "sharing information."

When they entered the mess hall their guest wasn't hard to find. Not only was he a big guy but there was a wide berth everyone had given where he sat. When he saw them coming he stood.

"Hi," Clarke greeted, holding out her hand. Hers disappeared in his massive hold as they shook. "I'm sorry. I didn't catch your name before."

"Given the circumstances I can't blame you. Rhys Jones, ma'am. Everyone calls me RJ. Happy to officially make your acquaintance in a more civilized setting. You guys have a beautiful home. Also, your food is way better than freeze-dried protein packs."

Clarke huffed a laugh at that, smiling up at him. Bellamy tried to squash it but there was a true flicker of jealousy there. She was being so nice to a complete stranger and would barely talk to him.

"Well, I'm busy right now and it looks like you've already eaten, but hopefully the next time you're here we can share another meal better than freeze-dried protein packs. I'd like to meet with all of you, but Diyoza must think especially highly of you to be who she sent."

Bellamy was pretty sure the man was blushing and rolled his eyes. Neither of them paid attention.

"Thank you, ma'am. Speaking of that, here's what you asked Diyoza for." He passed over a piece of paper, folded over and over and crinkled from him clutching it. "I hope it's not outta my place, but she told me what it is to make sure I was careful to get it only to you, and can I say: thank you. Thank you, thank you. I won't let you or Diyoza down, I swear."

"You can call me Clarke. And we're giving you the opportunity for a second chance; now you have to earn it."

"I will, I promise you that. Anything I can do to deserve it, I'll do, just say the word."

"I believe you. Now, I've got to get back to work. I'm sure I'll see you again soon."

"Thank you. Really, thank you. I hope you have a nice rest of your night, ma'am- I mean, Clarke."

"You too," Clarke said with another smile, turning and leaving, missing the way this guy was staring at her worshippingly as she left. 

Bellamy did not. "Alright, let's go. I'll walk you out."

"Yes, sir." They started heading towards the side of Wonkru that led to the Eligius prisoner camp. "So, you know Clarke pretty well?"

This guy had to be kidding. "Yes, I know Clarke pretty well."

"Is she usually like that? I thought she'd be different." When Bellamy shot him a questioning glance RJ grinned. "She left quite the impression. I thought she'd be like that all the time. I was already grateful for the spot; now I doubly am. I've been answering to hard people all my life. It'll be cool answering to somebody nice, I think. She seems like a nice lady now that she's not fighting anybody."

Bellamy felt every hair on his body start to stand. What this guy was alluding to...

When they reached the edge of Wonkru, RJ turned and held out his hand. "Thank you too. For helping me find her, find my way out, letting me get a second chance. Thank you for all of it."

"Sure," Bellamy said gruffly, shaking it. He was hard to be rude to but that didn't mean Bellamy trusted him in their home. "It's gotten pretty dark. Get back home safe."

Bellamy waited until the guy was out of sight, less likely to come back and try anything in their encampment, and swiveled on his heel. Clarke had a lot to answer for. At her house he knocked on her door, hard, not even trying the handle, and Clarke opened it while already walking away with a resigned sigh. Her fireplace was the only illumination and he followed her to where she'd pulled a chair near it.

"What the hell was that?"

"I didn't want you to find out this way. I made a deal with Diyoza."

"You've got to be kidding me. How many times-"

"It's not what-"

"What circumstances did you meet him in?"

"What?"

"He said you didn't catch his name given the circumstances. What circumstances?"

That threw her off of her game. "Oh. Well. I..." She scratched an eyebrow, clearly feeling a little uncomfortable admitting it. "I dislocated a guy's finger, and he was screaming, and RJ showed me to where Diyoza was so she and I could talk."

"You dislo-" Bellamy pinched the bridge of his nose. "Was it one of the insane serial killers from Eligius?" He waited until she nodded. "And you felt you needed to do that why?" 

"He was touching my hair."

"He was touching your- Why the hell was he touching your hair?"

"Because he was asking to get his finger dislocated. Bellamy, I handled it. We're fine. Everything's fine. I made a deal with Diyoza but it's not what you think."

"Are you ever going to learn? We've made too many deals with devils and it always blows up in our faces. Why didn't you talk to me first?"

"Because you would have reacted like this and then would've been even more upset when I did it anyway."

Bellamy started pacing. He didn't know what else to do with all of his aggravated anxiety. "Why? Why would you do this? We're supposed to be working together."

"I did it to protect our people-"

"Oh, here we go again-"

"Do you want me to tell you why or not?" Bellamy waved a hand for her to go on and Clarke's lips became thin and her tone compressed. "I didn't do this on a whim. The Eligius group wasn't going to stay over there not bothering us forever. We can't invite the ones that pose a threat into Wonkru-"

"Oh, so your buddy RJ can come but not the rest."

"Bellamy, so help me, if you don't let me finish explaining right now I'm never going to." There was a pause as she dared him to say anything else, then continued. "They couldn't stay over there, they couldn't all come over here, I needed something from Diyoza, I had something to give her. Easy as that. She's as invested in starting the kind of world her daughter can be safe, and healthy, and happy in as much as I am, so she chose the men - who she's known for years under extreme circumstances - who could be a part of that. She's also telling us which are not."

"What are you going to do with the ones who aren't? Are we already going to start executing people?"

"I hope not but that's something we can decide later. For now we don't even have the map finished."

"If you think this plan of yours is so reasonable then why did you go over there, without me, to make the deal?" Bellamy knelt before her. The pacing wasn't doing it. He needed to focus on her to keep his cool. That was why he didn't miss the look that came over her face fleetingly, a kind of soft, sad affection, before she sank back into her detachment.

"You said you wanted me here because things work better when we're together. I hate to break it to you: this is what us working together looks like. If I would have told you I was going to meet with Diyoza alone and what I was going to offer you never would have agreed and we would still be arguing about it. Now it's already done. Knowing you, to prove me wrong you're going to have those guys watched 24/7, which is not a bad thing, unless you take it too far, in which case I'll stop you. That's how we work together. When have we ever agreed on everything the other is doing? You said you value that I have a different perspective than you. Well, I saw the prisoner's camp was going to become a problem. I fixed it. Bellamy, we may have issues with each other but you have to trust what I'm doing is best for our people."

"That's not the only way we lead and you know that. There were plenty of times we were a united front. That was what I wanted for us; for this place." He waited for Clarke to respond and it took a while for him to realize she was never going to. "What do you need from her?"

"What?"

"You haven't asked me for anything other than letting you work yourself to death since you got here. What did you ask Diyoza for?"

"I need her to keep Madi safe."

"Because you think I don't want that too? I can't keep her safe?"

"Come on. Madi is the Heda of Wonkru but you're in charge. You can't run everything and protect her every hour of the day at the same time. Diyoza gets a plot of land, the same as everyone else, and her only job is to watch over Madi. Saves us from the problem of the separate camps without violence and it's to Madi's benefit."

Bellamy looked into the fire, pensive. He ultimately nodded. "Of course I trust you. I also don't like what you did but I get it. It makes sense and Madi's safety comes first."

"Thank you."

They stayed that way for a while, both staring towards the fire, Bellamy's knee starting to ache from kneeling so long but he was reluctant to move away.

"What you said about us having issues-"

"Bellamy, this is pointless."

"Please hear me out? You don't have to say anything, you don't have to forgive me, just hear me out. You're my... You're my best friend. Please don't hate me even more for how much I want to fix things between us, especially because I know it's all my fault." When he paused Clarke didn't look towards him but she also didn't tell him to shut up either which was encouraging. "Looking back I see how stupid it was, but I was giving you space because I thought that's what you wanted. I thought you needed time-"

"You assumed the woman who'd been lonely for six years wanted to be alone," Clarke scoffed, still not looking at him.

"I messed up. I know it. I wanted to check on you every day. Then, when I did you, you couldn't even look at me so I thought she had to be right and I didn't want to upset you."

"She?"

"Yeah, Echo, she said-"

Clarke shook her head, exhaling in scornful amusement. "Of course. Because if something happened to you I would take the advice of the person who has known you the least amount of time. I would go ask RJ how to help you. That makes sense. If you're done-"

"I'm not, please Clarke. Like I said, stupid. So stupid. It's only... I... You deserve better than me putting my fear of losing you over helping you and I'm sorry. You needed me and I wasn't-" Bellamy had to pause to work through the lump in his throat, his words starting to fracture and crack, "I wasn't there when you needed me the most and I will never forgive myself for that. I have so many more things to say to you. I have so many more things to apologize to you for. I don't want to force it all on you when you're not ready to hear it. I just need you to know I'm so sorry and that I know you deserve better. I want to fix this. Somehow I'm going to make this right."

Bellamy took one of her hands in both of his, hoping that if his words weren't enough she could feel his sincerity. The seconds ticked by, and finally Clarke dragged her eyes away from the fire. They were tragically full of unshed tears but Bellamy felt a flash of hope when she looked at him. She didn't look like the empty robot-Clarke that had been inhabiting where she ought to be. 

Knowing that it was his Clarke, the real Clarke, the intense and indomitable and amazing Clarke, made it that much harder when she met his eyes and said, "I don't believe you. I never will."

Bellamy felt several of the tears that had already gathered in his own eyes as he spoke escape and he looked down at her lap. He tried to nod, biting at his lips, choking down ragged breaths. He knew Clarke. He knew she meant it.

Regretfully he let go of her hand, trying not to think that maybe it would be the last time he'd ever be allowed to touch her. He got up, screaming knee ignored. Shoving his hands in his pockets to prevent himself from trying to hug her, eyes staying downcast so she wouldn't have to see him cry, Bellamy made it almost all of the way to the door before he faltered. His chest felt so full of deep horrible dread he couldn't imagine saying anything. He didn't know how to leave it at those words either.

But what could he say? All of those years. All of their partnership, their trials, their fighting, but also their needing each other to make it. More than physically survive; to keep going after they had. From the start he'd confided in her things he'd never told anyone. Before they were really even friends he could say anything to Clarke. All the times they'd have conversations in glances out of the corners of their eyes, knowing without question the other understood them perfectly. The unshakable truth - something so sure it had become a part of the foundation of who he was - was that he and Clarke would always get through anything. No matter what side of something they were on, they were still on the same team. They'd always find a way. 

All of that was built on their trust in each other. And she didn't believe him.

Standing in her doorway Bellamy tried to find anything he could say that could encompass that. If there were any words to say that could convey the depth of how sorry he was about hurting her and hurting her ability to trust him. To convey how devastated he was that after everything he could lose her and it was his own fault. Or how to tell her that if it took twenty years for her to forgive him, he'd spend twenty years telling her he was sorry every day because it was worth it. How to tell her he was never going to give up on the idea that they would still get through this. It was a part of who he was now and he didn't know how to cut out the part of himself that was Clarke.

He'd broken something unbreakable. How did he begin to put that back together? What did he say to let her know he was going to try anyway because he didn't know how not to?

"I'm-" Bellamy shook his head, swallowed, tried to find his voice. "I can't say enough how sorry I am I hurt you when you needed me the most. I'm sorry I hurt your ability to trust me. And I'm sorry that after everything we've been through I can't just give up and let you go without showing you that I- How much I care. I hope you'll let me prove to you that I mean it. I don't deserve it but I'm hoping I can earn back your trust. Please let-" He had to stop again, his voice nearly undecipherable through the emotion. "Please let me know if you need anything. Anything. I'm always here."

Bellamy made it to the doorway. After he closed it behind him he dropped his forehead against the wood to take deep breaths, trying to calm down.

He hadn't had any close friends growing up. He spent all of his free time trying to keep Octavia entertained. When they'd come to the Ground it had been easy to get followers. Clarke had been his first real, true friend. The others had come: Monty, Harper, Jasper, Raven... But he'd always been closest to Clarke. She'd always be the first. She'd always be special; more important than the ones that came after. Bellamy wondered if this was what Monty felt like losing Jasper. Your best friend is tied to your identity more than Bellamy ever realized.

Wiping his face, Bellamy pushed himself off of Clarke's doorframe and left. He didn't know what he'd do to win her trust back yet but he would continue to do everything he could to keep her safe.

Returning to Raven's, Bellamy found her, Emori, Murphy, Miller, and Octavia lingering there. They stopped talking when he walked in and Bellamy knew he must look like what he felt because Octavia asked what was wrong right away.

Bellamy shrugged and shook his head. He couldn't talk about it. What he could talk about-

"Do you guys know who was with Clarke today?"

Murphy lifted his hand. "That would mostly be me."

"Did she slip away at any point? Can you think of how she could have gotten out to the Eligius camp?"

"Oh, we went together. So no, I can't say she slipped away at any point. Always vigilant; that's me."

"What the hell do you mean? You went there with her? Why the hell did you let that happen?"

"Let that happen? Yeah, because Clarke would listen to me. Look, we agreed to keep an eye on her and my eyes were on her the whole time. This is a success story."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Murphy dropped the act for a moment, leveling one of his serious, knowing stares Bellamy's way. "I said I would watch out for her and I meant it. I never agreed to be a snitch. You say we need to treat her so much better? I think some privacy shouldn't be entirely out of the question."

"I agree with Murphy. I know you want to keep her safe, but I think you need to consider your limits," Octavia said. Bellamy supposed she'd be the one to have the most insight on this. She was his first completely misguided attempt to protect someone by smothering her to the point she hated him.

"That's fair. I... I'm not getting anything right, I know that. It's- she could have been hurt. Maybe that was why she had the nosebleed later. I don't know how to help and I know I'm..." Bellamy didn't finish the thought. He didn't know what he was at the moment.

"I assure you, Clarke was fine. She was a badass. The whole time she looked more like herself than I've seen since Abby died and we ignored her like assholes. She was fine for hours after while she worked on her little map thing."

"She did," Raven confirmed. "She walked in looking better than when she left and seemed completely fine afterward."

"Ok. Ok, you're right. I'm not trying to monitor her whereabouts I'm just- She's-" Bellamy shook his head and walked back out. He was in no state to hold a conversation. Unintentionally trying to turn his mission to keep Clarke alive into surveillance was a nail in the coffin of what a bad friend to her he was. 

He was keeping Wonkru running on bravado alone. He had no idea how to fix everything, more than just the housing situation, on his own and the last thing he wanted to do was dump more trouble on Clarke. He was beyond exhausted physically and mentally. He'd ruined things forever with Clarke. Bellamy ran his hands through his hair, gripping it too tightly. He was trying and failing at everything. 

"Hey, wait up." 

Murphy and Miller caught up to him, one falling on either side. They walked shoulder to shoulder, Bellamy not sure if they were aware he was leading them to the nearest and strongest liquor he could find. When they did Miller wordlessly went to get them drinks.

While he was gone, Murphy clapped a hand on Bellamy's back, speaking low. 

"I can't pretend I know what's up with you right now. What I can do is remind you that I was there. In the lab and after. We all know Clarke and I are not, nor have been, the best of buds and I know that shit was hard for even me to handle. I can't imagine how it was for you. 

"So, I'm thinking that's your problem right now. She's not doing so hot and your whole deal with each other is going way, way too far when that's the case. This time there's nobody to fight. Try to chill. As her fellow survival-expert, I can assure you this is not what is going to take down the mighty Princess Clarke. Don't be a douchebag or stalker in the meantime and all will be well."

Bellamy nodded and took the cup Miller offered when he came back without saying a word. He didn't want to tell Murphy that he was well past that point already.

The next thing Bellamy knew he heard Emori's voice saying, "I found the idiots. Head to the lookout tower. I don't know how we're going to get them down." 

Opening bleary eyes Bellamy saw Emori standing over them with a radio. He heard "copy" coming from it. Murphy must have seen her too because he said her name, high pitched and happy, struggling to sit upright and throw his arms around her waist.

"John, what the hell is this?"

"Clarke's mad at Bellamy," Miller slurred from where he stayed laying next to Bellamy on the wooden platform. "We had a couple drinks about it."

"You don't say. Jackson! Echo! Grab some blankets before you come up. I think the boys are having a slumber party tonight."

He closed his eyes again and when he opened them Echo was there kneeling near his head.

"I know I said you need to chill out and grab a drink sometime but this is not what I meant," she said as she unfolded a blanket and threw it over him.

Bellamy grunted in acknowledgment that he was the worst person ever.

"I'll see you in the morning. If you guys can't get up bright and early on your own, don't worry," she leaned over and kissed him on the forehead, "the three of us are capable of getting cold water up here easily."

He grunted again and shut his eyes, eventually hearing the sounds of them leaving.

"Bellamy," Miller mumbled. "Meant it, man. Never say a word."

He still couldn't open his eyes or make sense of a whole lot but Bellamy still frowned. "What?"

"Yeah," Murphy said, dragging out the word and burping halfway through. "Safe with us."

"What?"

Miller snored next to him and Bellamy went under just as quickly.

Then- "Dude, dude, Bellamy, get up!" Miller was saying, kicking his shoulder. 

"What the hell? Miller what-"

"Come on! We can't wait for him!" Murphy was shouting and Bellamy was suddenly fully alert. 

Alert enough to make sense of what he was seeing in an instant. It was morning. Emori was leaning over the edge of the tower, the rope of a pulley moving swiftly. There was already one bucket next to her. Below he could hear Jackson yelling; "They're getting away!"

Bellamy was quick to the ladder, seeing Murphy was already almost all the way down, Miller just behind him.

Their escape attempt ended up being pointless. They must have let the bucket on the pulley drop back down because Echo and Jackson each had one and got Murphy and Miller, Emori pouring hers from above down onto Bellamy's head. It was, in fact, freezing cold.


	11. Clarke

When Bellamy left Clarke crumbled. It was the only word. She crumbled to pieces. 

Curling in on herself, her forehead nearly met her knees. Her hands clutched her hair desperately, like it was the rope holding her above a deadly drop. She wasn't sure if she was rocking, or shaking, or both. What she was sure of was that she wasn't crying. She wasn't sad. She was in pain.

Bellamy said every word she wanted to hear. Every single one. 

And she tried. Clarke listened to him and she sincerely tried to believe him. She sincerely wanted to believe him. It ached how much she wished it were true and her muscles were tense from wanting to lean forward and hug him. But no matter how hard she tried, it felt like a lie. It sounded too good to be true in comparison to what she felt and saw and thought and knew up until that moment. It all rang hollow. The more and more he spoke - telling her he was sorry and talking about how he was wrong to have left her alone - the more and more she heard him admitting that his pity was what brought him.

She still hadn't wanted to hurt him despite everything. Finally, she couldn't take it anymore and said what had to be said so he'd stop; the truth. She didn't believe him anymore.

It took the jarring impact of her shoulder hitting the floor to realize she was even falling. She curled up tighter on the ground as if she was small enough her heartbreak would forget she was there and go away. Bellamy was... Were there words to describe what Bellamy had been to her over the years? There weren't. There weren't enough. She couldn't imagine enough. All she knew was that she loved him, he was a part of her and would be forever, and that none of that mattered anymore. 

She laid there for a while before she knew she had to get up and take this meltdown into her room. Sooner or later the tears were going to come and it was going to be bad when they did. She didn't want Madi to see her like that. It was still nearly dinnertime so there was at least an hour until Clarke expected her home but she didn't want to take the chance.

Lifting her head, she felt woozy. Putting her hand on the floor to push herself up, it slid in black blood. It hadn't been this bad since... Far too late, the far too obvious trigger of her episodes hit her. 

Forcing herself up anyway, Clarke grimaced. It looked like a nightblood murder scene and that would be a lot more traumatic for Madi than seeing Clarke cry. Staggering to her room Clarke snatched up a shirt and held it to her face to contain the bleeding, then her blankets to clean the puddle on the floor. Several times as she cleaned she paused, panting, the world spinning, and tears would begin to fall. Each time she'd remember that if Madi came home early she'd see this and got back to work.

When the mess was all wiped away Clarke held the bloody pile of sheets in one arm and crawled back to her room with the other, shoving them under the bedframe. A problem for another day. 

As much as she wanted to lay down, Clarke knew if she did she wouldn't get back up. She had to stay up. She couldn't stay like this. She couldn't be this sick. Madi needed her, at least for a little while longer. She needed a plan. If her blood would stop streaming, or her eyes stay focused, or her heart would stop breaking, she was sure she could think of something clever to do. As it was, all she could come up with was: Gabriel. Gabriel fixed it before. Get to Gabriel.

That out of the way, the next step was figuring out how to get to him. If she saw 'them,' any of 'them,' in the condition she was in her brain would probably melt. They'd know she was sick and weak and falling apart and they'd all fake care and she'd start screaming and never stop. So no asking for help.

Some vague ideas swirled in her mind of what to do and she called that good enough. She'd figure out the details as she went.

The most important consideration came next: Madi. Clarke hated to leave without saying goodbye again but Madi couldn't see her like this. Gaia would take care of her. Gaia took better care of her than Clarke did already. Better than she ever had.

Her almost-a-plan in place, Clarke hauled herself to her feet. At the kitchen table she was careful to wipe her hand clean of blood before picking up a pencil and writing: "Be back soon. Love you the most, forever and for always. - Clarke."

Miller said he wanted a damn note the next time she took off. She pulled out another sheet of paper and scrawled "Miller, No search party needed - Clarke." To be a smartass she added a heart.

Peering through the window, the road looked empty. The dinner crowd clearly wasn't heading back yet. Clarke gracelessly, slowly, one-destination-at-a-time, began picking her way down the street, half of her attention of the art of walking and the other jumping at every movement.

Finally, finally, finally, Clarke made it to the watchtower. The outside of the platform above featured the metal beacon required for long-range radio. The tent nearby housed the radio itself and Clarke snuck to it as well as could be expected. Peeking in she spotted the guard - one was onsite 24/7 in the event Sanctum called as there were no other means of communication between them - to find her fast asleep. Clarke was careful as she moved in but took the time to check the woman's name badge. She hoped the person on Sanctum's side was better.

Thinking it too risky to talk right next to the really-bad-at-her job guard, Clarke searched around for options and ended up slitting a hole in the back of the tent behind the radio, where she had the spare guard chair ready to slide the awkward machine onto, and then used the back of the chair like a dolly, falteringly dragging the whole thing a little ways away into the darkness under the empty tower.

"Sanctum." The first time she tried Clarke's voice was breathy so she cleared it and tried again. "Sanctum, come in. This is Clarke Griffin hailing Sanctum. Do you read me?"

"We read you, Clarke Griffin," the professional and competent guard in Sanctum replied.

"Is Gabriel available?"

"He gave instructions to find him if you contacted us. Hold on."

"Great, thank you." 

Clarke wanted to sit. She wanted to kneel. She so badly wanted to lay down and go to sleep. Instead, she wrapped an arm around the ladder leading to the top of the tower and ordered herself to stay up, letting her weight sag against it.

"It's Gabriel. What's wrong?"

She couldn't help but chuckle at that. "I'm just calling to say hi and that I miss you."

"Hi. What's wrong with you?"

"I think I need... I think I need another treatment. In the lab."

"That bad? Be honest."

"Honestly- not as bad as before by far, but also not great. I need... I need your help. Please. I can take a Rover and-"

"You shouldn't be driving."

"That's not the triggering event."

"You figured it out? And you still shouldn't be driving."

"Yeah, I'll talk to you about it when I'm done driving to Sanctum in the morning. Also, if I'm really going to come all that way to visit you I need to borrow a farmer while I'm there. And I need some seeds."

"...Are you using your health to blackmail me into giving you things?"

"No, I'd probably never blackmail you. Let's call it an alibi."

Clarke could hear Gabriel laughing on the other end. "I see. Be careful. Sanctum, out."

"See you tomorrow. Griffin, out."

Clarke considered putting the radio back where she found it but ultimately decided the guard would either wake up and do it herself to cover her own ass or report it and Miller would know she was terrible at her job. Win/win. 

By the time all of that was accomplished people were back to walking around. Thankfully Raven's shop wasn't far, so Clarke stumbled from shadow to shadow until she made it into the attached garage entryway. 

If there was a chance she could make it to Sanctum she'd be on the road already. As it stood, her bleeding was inconvenient but the dizziness would be the death of her if she tried driving at the moment. Not that Gabriel needed to know that. Her loose plan had been going well so far and there was a difference between being desperate to escape and being stupid. Stealing the Rover then crashing twenty feet outside of the gate would be stupid. 

As their cabin wasn't an option, and public spaces were not an option, Clarke climbed into the Rover nearest the exit, eased the door shut behind her, and lowered herself to lay across the open floorboard. If someone looked in they would easily see her up on the seat. Rolling onto her side, using her curled arm as both a pillow and to put some distance between her face and who-knows-what past boots had tracked in, Clarke finally allowed herself to cry. The shirt she'd brought for the blood was now a useful way to muffle the sounds.

She cried even knowing now that it was making her symptoms worse, but no matter how hard she tried she couldn't command herself to stop feeling the loss. And it was a loss as real as a death. He'd been a part of who she was for so long... The hole he left felt gaping and raw. She eventually fell into a sort of half-sleep; conscious enough to - now at least softly - cry all night but asleep enough to wake up.

When she did, the easiest thing she'd done in days was steal the Rover. There weren't many people around yet but she still kept the lights off, going slower to prevent anyone from noticing the sound of wheels on gravel or draw their eye by quick movement.

It was thanks to that snail's pace that she was treated to a front-row seat of Bellamy with his family. They were near the watchtower she'd almost collapsed under in the night, all laughing. Bellamy was drenched for some reason and Echo was darting around Miller and Jackson to avoid him catching her.

Clarke kept going slow, her lack of speed being one of the factors of why they hadn't noticed her yet, beyond being too wrapped up in one another to see anything else. She did choose to stop watching them. That sight had uncovered a new wellspring of tears; she'd thought she'd already run out but, surprise, she was wrong. If she was going to make it to Sanctum to heal herself and get back to Madi she couldn't be held up by symptoms to the degree she'd had earlier.

Her only comfort was that she may have lost Bellamy but at least she still had her good judgment. She knew he didn't mean any of it last night and now she had proof. 

She'd been falling apart alone and he'd been with his family, having fun.

Rolling down the windows once she cleared the gate, Clarke shoved herself into the present and tried to enjoy the ride to Sanctum. It was certainly better than walking. The fresh air helped her lethargy and knowing she was getting further and further away from Bellamy helped her heart.

It was midmorning by the time Clarke arrived at the Western Gate, calling for Sanctum to lower their shield so she could pull through. When she parked Gabriel was already waiting.

"Someday I'm going to stop showing up like this, I promise," Clarke said by way of greeting, plucking at her bloodsoaked shirt.

"That will be a nice change but I'm happy to see you all the same. I can do pleasantries if you want, but I would prefer to hear about what's going on."

Clarke gave him the run-down. Every time she'd been experiencing symptoms had been when she was thinking about emotionally traumatic events or feelings, as well as when her mind was at war with itself. The more significantly deep and painful, the worse the reaction. 

Gabriel had a theory that while they'd gotten a lot of the problem addressed the first time, this showed there was significantly more work to do. He said the brain is so delicate and complex it wasn't surprising, and that was a large part of why he had wanted her to stay for observation. He gave her a very pointed look. He explained the limbic system more clearly - now the Clarke wasn't mid-dying like last time - and how interconnected aspects of memory, the experience and expression of emotion, pain/pleasure response, and sensory perception are. It was interesting and Gabriel was so enthusiastic about having someone willing to listen to his 'brain-talk,' they were both startled when someone tsked chidingly from a few feet away.

"Cathrine," Clarke greeted warmly, "It's nice to see you again."

The woman sent her a kind, gentle smile then glared at Gabriel. "Are you going to have her sitting here in bloody clothes all day or are you going to be a gracious host?"

Clarke clapped a hand over her mouth to keep from laughing and Gabriel leaned in to say, loud enough for Cathrine to hear, "She acts like I'm not 150 years older than her. Drives me crazy."

"The feeling is mutual." She shook her head, smiling again, and held her hand out to help Clarke out of her seat. "We'll get you fixed up, honey. Gabriel can pester you more later."

Clarke and Gabriel didn't have the chance to do more than share an amused glance before Cathrine bustled her down the hallway towards the room she'd stayed in before.

True to her word Cathrine found her new clothes - presumably from Josephine's closet since they fit so well - then ran her a bath and even offered to bring up a snack, which Clarke thankfully declined. 

If they were going to do the procedure soon she wanted to do it on an empty stomach. She wasn't going to lie to herself and say throwing up out of fear wasn't entirely out of the question. 

When she returned Gabriel was reviewing the documents before him with an air of desolation. Seeing her he grimaced, "Politics kills me. Speaking of which, guess who radioed asking if you'd made it here alright?"

"I'm sorry. What did you tell him?"

"That you were here, I'm not your middle man, and I'd have you radio him back."

"Smart. Sorry for bringing this all to your doorstep. Again."

"You keep an old man entertained which is more than I can say about most. Plus, what are friends for? After you." Gabriel guided her to the room the radio was set up in. 

The guard onsite, so thoughtful and prepared, said into the mic, "Clarke Griffin is onsite."

Whoever was on their side was better than the woman last night and replied, "Please hold, Bellamy Blake has stepped away."

Taking the opportunity, Clarke sat and Gabriel joined her.

"Can we do the procedure sooner rather than later? I don't want to spend all day dreading it and I need to get back soon."

"Get back? You clearly need to be under medical observation. More importantly, weren't you running away a few days ago? What's the urgency to go back when your wellbeing is on the line?"

"A few days ago I thought there was peace. Now that I know otherwise I need to tear everything apart and put it back together so my daughter is safe. I want to make the world easier for her before I go."

"It's still your intention to leave then."

"Yes, just postponed."

"Are you still willing to stay here? Perhaps help with a couple of things while we teach you how to survive in the wilderness? Which I swear to do. This is not me trying to con you into fixing Sanctum."

"I don't know that I'd mind if it was. With everything happening... I'd still like to learn about how to live outside the radiation fence because that's my final destination, but yes, I'll come here and help you as soon as Madi is alright. Turns out that after wanting peace all this time, I don't know what to do with it. All of this," she swirled her hand, encompassing all the drama of Sanctum, "this is what I know."

"Well I have plenty of not-peace to provide you."

"Happy to hear it. Speaking of which, I want to ask-"

"Bellamy here. Clarke?"

The sound of his voice brought back last night, which brought back this morning, and that brought a sting to her eyes as she fought against tears. Clarke was slow to press the mic on. "Yeah?"

"What are you doing in Sanctum?"

"I'm here making a deal. I'm coming back with someone to teach our people how to farm," she said, staring right at Gabriel. He shook his head, lips twisted in a rueful grin that grew when she added, "and seeds to start our own crops."

"And you had to leave in the middle of the night again? Especially after-"

"There's no time to waste on any of this. I left a note. Everything is fine."

Even through the radio Clarke could hear how tight Bellamy's jaw was locked as he said, "I know about the note." There was a pause, then, "if everything is so fine why am I staring at a slit cut into the tent and..." there was another pause as he was clearly inspecting something, "nightblood smeared on the side of the radio?"

"Look, I have to go. You all have things to take care of there to get our plan done in time. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Are you sick again? Is it bad? Is this because of last night? Because... Please talk to me. Please let me come see you."

Gabriel held out a tissue as, lo and behold, Clarke had started bleeding again. 

"I'm fine. I'm working with Gabriel and I'll be back tomorrow. Please take care of everything there. Don't come here. Take care of Madi until I get back."

"Of course I'll take care of Madi." Bellamy sounded especially gruff as he said it. "I'll see you tomorrow. Please be safe."

"See you tomorrow. Griffin, out."

"Blake, out."

Clarke handed the mic back over to the guard and dropped her face into her palm.

"Last night?"

"Not what you think."

"Are you ready to talk about it yet?"

"Talk about what?"

"Alright. Right this way." Gabriel led her back. Poor hovering Catherine, so dead set on getting them to eat lunch, got a surprise assignment. "Cathrine, I have an appointment with Clarke. I'll have men bring her on a stretcher into her room, but from there will you sit with her awhile?"

"Of course I will. Is everything- Oh my! Clarke, your nose."

"Sorry, I know. It's worse now because I'm scared. Gabriel please knock me out before I try to run, because I'm about to."

"What's going on? What's wrong?"

"I'll be done as soon as I can," Gabriel assured. "When you wake up don't open your eyes, don't panic. Start talking about anything. Everything will be fine."

"Got it. Please knock me out now, seriously, I know I have to go in there to get better for Madi but I also-" Clarke heard her voice start to waiver, already starting to panic, and then Gabriel - bless him - pulled a tranquilizer out of his pocket, got her arm before she could flinch, and it worked so quickly she only dimly felt him catch her on the way to the floor.

Opening her eyes, Clarke immediately recognized the room. All of the air felt punched out of her lungs. She tried to escape, feeling feral, but she was strapped down. 

"No! No, no, no. I changed my mind- Gabriel! Gabriel, please! Help! I was wrong-"

A face came into view above her, only it wasn't Gabriel's. It wasn't Bellamy. It was... Cathrine? That was unexpected enough to make Clarke blink but not enough to slow the harshness of her breath or how dizzy and terrified and lost and helpless and hopeless she felt.

"You're hyperventilating. You need to breathe." Gabriel said from out of her line of sight.

"Gabriel, I was wrong! It's not worth it! Let me go, let me go, let me go- Please! Let me-"

"Clarke, sweetie, I know you're scared. It's ok. Listen to me." Cathrine put her tissue-paper soft hands on both sides of Clarke's face, thumbs sliding across her cheekbones in a soft rhythm. "This will be over soon. Focus on me, honey, sing with me: You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy-"

Clarke sobbed as she tried to sing along. Cathrine nodded encouragingly as they went, and as they began again, and again, and again, and again.

Eventually Gabriel appeared, the skin under his eyes slick. He squeezed her shoulder. "You did great. It's over. You'll wake up in bed. Just sleep."

True to his words, when Clarke next woke it was in the bedroom they'd given her. Her head was screaming in pain. When she lifted a hand to touch her temple she felt it leave someone else's and turned to find Cathrine beside her.

"Hello there, sweetie. I'm going to call for Gabriel now that you're awake and then I'll be here with you, alright? Give me a moment." Surprisingly agile, Cathrine made it to the door in a dash. Clarke had expected 'call for Gabriel' to mean something other than the woman yelling, "someone tell Gabriel Clarke's awake," down the hall, but whatever worked. Returning to the bedside she took up Clarke's hand once more and patted it fondly. She began humming.

"Why are you being so nice to me?" Clarke asked softly, voice rough from screaming.

"Why wouldn't I be? You're a sweet girl. So polite but a tough little cookie." Cathrine patted Clarke's hand again. "My daughter was the same way. You're a sweet girl," she repeated.

"How is my favorite patient feeling?" Gabriel asked as he entered the room.

"Do you have any patients other than me?"

"Regardless. How's your head?" They went through the same drill as last time, Gabriel checking her thoroughly and pleased with the results. "I know it's pointless trying to get you to stay, so I'm going to give you a sleeping pill in the form of an injection. Works faster that way. Your mind will have at least a bit of rest before you start running it ragged again."

"Thank you, Gabriel. Thank you, Cathrine."

They both murmured their responses as Gabriel doled out another shot into her arm and it was slow enough that Clarke got to yawn a whole two times before she was asleep.

Clarke sat straight up in bed. It hurt, it hurt, god, it hurt. She had to get it out. It hurt. 

By the time she clawed herself awake the damage was enough to go into the bathroom, needing a washcloth to wipe away the streaks of blood. She curled up in the chair Bellamy had sat in the last time they were there. She didn't want to stain the pristine white sheets they'd given her with black blood as she slept so she didn't bother with the bed.

The treatment made a marked improvement because Clarke didn't have a nosebleed or experience any dizziness at all as she cried herself to sleep over socks.

In the morning her internal alarm had her waking at dawn and she stretched her aching body slowly from its time spent sleeping in the chair. It almost surprised her that Bellamy was willing to suffer that in order to stay beside her when she was sick. But then, he always had been the self-sacrificial type.

Clarke took a long bath and chose from the pile of clothes Cathrine had thoughtfully left out. It was awkward to ask but she'd imposed on him so much already she might as well add to the list; Clarke was going to ask if she could keep some of Josephine's clothes. None of her fancy things, obviously. The most basic she could find. It was only... Between her escapades and bloodloss she was nearly out of clothing and she had no money. Things with Wonkru worked primarily on a barter system and she owned nothing. She had no job other than bossing people around and they certainly weren't going to pay her for that in anything but insincerity and, longterm, back-stabbing neglect.

Not to mention the woman stole her mind. Clarke stealing her clothes... turnabout, and all that. 

When she found Gabriel he invited her to join him for breakfast. It was a lovely morning so they enjoyed it on a balcony overlooking the town, watching as everyone woke and the bustling began.

She'd gotten the awkwardness out of the way at once, asking about the clothes, and Gabriel seemed taken aback for a moment and then said of course he didn't mind. From there they were able to share their now typical pleasant banter. Given how much of their lives were focused on running Sanctum and temporarily helping Wonkru, their conversation naturally steered itself there. Clarke was ready when it did.

When he hesitated on agreeing to supply as much assistance as she was asking for, given his own people's dilemmas, she made her big pitch.

"Two of your largest concerns are the Faithful and lack of law enforcement as most of the guards died defending the Primes. Sending the people we need will help you with both issues. Surely some of the Faithful have the skills we are looking for or can be used to help with labor. Right now you can't afford to put those performing crimes of civil unrest in jail. You don't have enough guards as is, and since their religious people they will start to martyr themselves; it's inevitable. So send them to us. They won't be jailed, or fined, or banished. They'll essentially be in time-out and my people will be benefitting from it at the same time. You also won't have to worry about their propaganda spreading like it does here; I assure you no one in Wonkru is ever going to worship Russel."

"Because they already worship a child with a chip," Gabriel pointed out dryly over his mug before taking another gulp of coffee.

"I completely agree with your sentiment, but that's my child they're worshipping so watch the tone."

"My apologies."

"Thank you. So, already we'll be helping you with the Faithful and you'll be helping us with the education we need to survive on Alpha. To reciprocate the gift of any grain, seeds, so on, I'll send you guards. There are only so many of your 'Children' to keep the peace, as you've said. I have too many warriors on my hands. It's mutually beneficial to say the least."

"I see you're point and appreciate the gesture but, no offense, some of your people are a bit..."

"Rough around the edges?"

"To put it mildly."

"We'll send you the smoothest we've got. My first thought would be some of the older warriors; they don't have anything to prove, we'll send you the ones who've calmed down a bit with age, and have a lot of experience. I also think it will be less frightening to your citizens to have a bunch of old people standing around, not realizing any of those old people could kill them brutally ten different ways in the blink of an eye."

"Has anyone told you you're very poetic when speaking about violence?"

"Shut up. What do you think?"

Gabriel looked out over the town and took a deep sigh before gracing Clarke with a bemused smile. "Like I said: you're good at this. I feel like I ought to have something to say, I should see some loophole, but I don't. It all sounds reasonable to me. My only thought is that mixing our people to the degree that we're talking about has the potential to be very... interesting. It could become a problem."

"I agree but I think it will be a smaller problem if we get in front of it. They're already different. If we start taking steps to bridge that gap now while everything is new we'll have a foundation to start building from. In our lifetimes," Clarke gave a pointed look to were Gabriel's chip had once been, grinning, "we could leave the legacy of Sanctum and Wonkru seeing themselves as neighboring towns rather than separate civilizations. Think of all the conflict that could prevent down the road."

"Good at this," Gabriel muttered in a laugh, shaking his head. "Alright. And your intention is to take someone today? I don't know if I can make it happen that fast."

"I not only want someone today, I want someone willing. Not one of the Faithful. I think it'll look better, on both of our parts."

"Clarke-"

"Come on. There has to be one person in this place that has been curious about what's outside the radiation fence, let alone what amounts to a whole new world two hours away. They can get adventure and come home on the weekends. It's not a hard pitch to sell."

Gabriel got up with a nod, saying over his shoulder as he walked away, "I'm looking forward to you being here when you're done saving Wonkru... So, roughly a day or two, I imagine."

Of all the people in Sanctum, the first to step forward asking to visit Wonkru were a married couple made up of Lydia, a gardener in the Jojo berry fields, and Simon, the fields groundskeeper. Simon was significantly less terrified of Clarke now that she didn't look like a corpse. Gabriel and Clarke had one final serious discussion about both their plan and her health, the Rover was packed with needed supplies, they bid a fond farewell to Sanctum, and the three spent the time on their drive to Wonkru chatting pleasantly. 

They pulled through the main gate when it was nearly dinnertime and Clarke did her best to not think about what had been happening at roughly this time two days prior.

Having thought it through on the way, until they had a space set aside for visiting Sanctum peoples, Clarke took Lydia and Simon to Jordan's house. He'd remained in Sanctum all this time - 'too busy' to see her when she was there - so his cabin remained empty. Clarke knew he partially blamed them for Prea's death. He was the one she wasn't hurt by when ignoring her; he had his own loss to deal with.

Clarke parked the Rover in the garage to be unloaded in the morning and helped Lydia and Simon carry their belongings to where they'd be staying, pointing things out along the way. When they realized how close they'd be living to her they'd been very sweet, saying they were grateful to have a friendly face they knew nearby as they got settled. They'd never been anywhere but their parents' houses and then their own all of their lives and it was touching how excited and nervous they were about everything.

Their first sight of the people of Wonkru was when she led them into the mess hall and Clarke belatedly thought it might have been better to ease them into it. She'd been exchanging reassuring smiles with them, hoping to convey the fierce-looking and incredibly loud crowd was mostly harmless, when she was almost knocked off her feet. 

Before the reflexive 'oomph' noise was done coming out of her mouth from the impact she already knew it was Madi and was already hugging back as hard. "I missed you, I missed you, I missed you."

"I missed you too," Madi told her, tucking her head under Clarke's chin. This was not a move that made Madi seem especially fearsome in front of their Grounder audience, Clarke knew, and they'd have to get that together in the future, but for the time being she was happy to hold her girl so close. "I was worried when you left like that."

"I'm sorry, I didn't want to worry you. I went to get our honored guests," she pulled away from Madi with the intention of turning to introduce Lydia and Simon only to have her back collide with what felt like a wall, which like Madi, Clarke knew was Bellamy without having to think about it.

Before she could process the myriad of emotions that elicited, she felt Bellamy's hands on her biceps as he said quietly into her hair. "Can we talk? Outside?"

The sound of his voice made her shiver and she worried he felt it. 

Taking a big step away, Clarke turned around to include him in the conversation, using her newest rule when interacting with any of them: don't look at their faces. If it's absolutely required, don't make eye contact. She kept getting sucked into feeling things around them and she needed to stop. So she smiled brightly at Bellamy's chest and introduced he and Madi to Simon and Lydia. 

Madi, much to Clarke's pride, was a thoughtful host and, though she'd already eaten, offered to sit with them while they dined so they could become better acquainted. As she guided them away to show them where to get food she was already asking about what they'd brought from Sanctum and what they planned on teaching first. Madi was going to be running things without her soon so Clarke stepped back and let her take the lead.

She felt Bellamy at her shoulder as she watched them go. He didn't touch her again but did speak, saying, "She's a good kid, and a natural diplomat, like her mom."

Clarke nodded faintly, watching as Madi said something that made the anxious couple laugh, their body language relaxing a bit.

"If you won't have a conversation with me, please just tell me if you're alright. Whether you like me right now or not, I want to help. You could have told me if you weren't feeling well. I would have taken you; I would have stayed with you."

A nice thought, but in her mind's eye all she saw was him laughing near the watchtower while she left for Sanctum covered in blood and tears.

"I'm fine. I'd like a check-in meeting with the others as soon as it can be scheduled. Goodnight."

She stalked off into the night before he could respond, dinnerless, her stomach in knots.

Getting back to their home, seeing her room and remembering what she'd forgotten in her dazed departure, Clarke went back to the Rover and unloaded the box full of items she'd taken from Josephine. She hadn't thought to grab sheets. The ones she'd been provided when moving into the cabin were wadded up under the bed and trashed. The fact stood that she didn't have money or anything to barter with, and Madi might be Heda but she'd never ask her child to provide for her, so Clarke laid one coat on top of another to crawl between, balled up a few shirts together for a pillow, and pulled out some socks she'd swiped for herself.


	12. Bellamy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Story Note:  
> \- We're so close to turning points. So close.
> 
> Personal Note:  
> \- Sooo. Some bad life choices were made! The original plan was to do this every now and then, but I got so excited that I was writing all the time. I realized too late I was pretty far behind on work. The good news is coffee is life and I pulled off finishing a 36 page magazine in a couple of days, the bad news being now I know I can do that.   
> \- Losing momentum from writing every day made me 100% convinced that all of this is the worst story ever and everybody is going to hate it and find me and tell me to my face, because my anxiety does not at all make me dramatic hahaha... I made the jump to try this at all so I've decided to make the jump and post again anyway. I did a couple of one-shots when I still thought this was going well and I really want to get to them so I'm gonna try.  
> \- Thank you for your patience with me!

Bellamy had been in the middle of discussing what to do about their water purifying system already showing signs of deterioration with Raven when Miller arrived. One look at his face and Bellamy held up his hand, pausing Raven.

"So," Miller looked distinctly awkward, smacking one hand with a piece of paper over and over as he approached, "Clarke's gone. Again."

That same instinctive feeling of the room shifting hit him like it had the first time, like everything around him was somehow different now. "What the hell? When did-" his eyes fell to the paper and Miller nodded, looking everywhere but at Bellamy as he held it out.

There was Clarke's neat, curling handwriting. Her message: "Miller, No search party needed. - Clarke." With a heart.

He'd torn himself up being worried about her when she ran before. He would have again this time. He did anyway this time, immediately, suspecting their conversation played a part in it. Then and now she'd just vanished into the night on him, like she'd left him over and over before, with no clue as to where or why she was going other than what he could piece together from other people.

Turned out, Clarke was perfectly capable of writing notes. She could, in fact, let people not die from heart attacks over worry about her. She just chose not to do that with him. No, that privilege only went to Miller. That went to Miller with hearts.

"She left it as a joke," Miller said cautiously, "You know that, right? I told her I had to help you with the last search party-"

Bellamy shook his head and Miller stopped. So she was willing to leave him a note essentially telling him not to worry, with a heart, as a joke. None to Bellamy, would she had to know would be out of his mind until she got back. 

Got it. Great. Good. 'Message' received.

He managed one deep inhale, telling himself to give her space, and on the exhale began walking towards the radio tent. He would give her space. He wasn't going to chase her to Sanctum. However, he would like to know if she made it safely.

When he got a hold of Gabriel and asked if she was there and if she was alright, their ally wasn't short with him per se, but he was pointedly not forthcoming either. He said Clarke would radio back and left it at that. Bellamy knew that was fair so he settled in. All he needed was to hear she was ok. Then he'd leave her alone, he promised himself.

As he waited in the tent Bellamy suddenly heard loud voices and sighed. Duty called. He ordered the guard to get him when Clarke turned up. 

Jogging towards the noise, when Bellamy assessed the situation his eyesight tinged red. Edzun, the man who'd had the audacity to insult Clarke, was holding Madi by the front of her shirt. Through Bellamy's bloodlust, he was proud to see she had a dagger resting on his chest and angled for his throat. The two stood frozen like that, the huge man using his size to loom over her, their faces close together. 

There were no questions that needed to be asked or answered. Bellamy grabbed the man's hand, ripped it off of Madi, and twisted it hard and fast enough for something in it to pop. Not nearly done, Bellamy used his shoulder, backed by his weight and fury, to hit the guy full force in the chest, sending the big man sprawling and landing hard in the dirt. He'd only gotten a few punches in - he'd only barely gotten started - when Madi ordered him to stop in her cold Commander's voice. Very, very, very tempted not to listen, Bellamy knew the bigger picture of their plans were to keep Madi safe and that meant not publically undermining her. So he stopped, panting in anger more than exertion. He got off the man and eyed the two companions who helped him to his feet, memorizing their faces for later.

"See," Edzun said, spitting some of the blood in his mouth out. "A real Heda wouldn't need someone to fight for her. A real Heda wouldn't cower behind a Skykru outsider like-"

"Your Heda was holding a dagger to your throat while you were holding her... what, shirt?" Bellamy said as if to him, but very much directed at their growing number of bystanders, throwing his voice at them. "You should be at her feet thanking her for your life." Now Bellamy gave no pretense of speaking to Edzun, pacing around the center of the crowd, making eye contact with as many as he could, aggressive, getting them riled up and instinctively on his side if they'd walked up unsure of what was going on. "And there is no Skykru... There is only Wonkru!" He got cheers for that, some people already beginning to shove at Edzun. "She is our Heda! Any attack on her is an attack on Wonkru! You are Wonkru or-" he let the crowd finish the rest. 

Bellamy turned away from the little mob he'd created, hoping they'd take it out on Edzun and not escalate to one another because then he'd have to deal with it, to check on Madi. "Hey Heda," he said affectionately, resisting the urge to treat her like a kid in front of their people, but very much wanting to. "How you doing?"

She still had her stone carved face on but Bellamy could see the edges cracking as she inclined her head at him in answer, likely not wanting anyone to hear the waver in her voice. Smart girl.

"Bellamy!" the radio guard called, catching his attention despite the crowd's ongoing volume. "Clarke's on."

"Come on," he said to Madi, jerking his chin to encourage her to follow him. As they neared the long-range radio tent Bellamy asked is she'd like to speak to Clarke, and she silently shook her head. "Have you been up the tower yet?" She shook her head. "How about you check it out while I talk to Clarke? Nice spot to get away from it all. I'll meet you there, ok?" Madi nodded and headed for the ladder while Bellamy entered the tent for Clarke.

"Bellamy here. Clarke?"

"Yeah?" 

The last thing she'd said to him, only the night before, was 'I don't believe you. I never will.' Now she was impatiently 'yeah'-ing him like there wasn't a world's worth of hurt between them.

He sighed, tired down to his soul. "What are you doing in Sanctum?"

"I'm here making a deal. I'm coming back with someone to teach our people how to farm, and seeds to start our own crops."

"And you had to leave in the middle of the night again? Especially after-" He was glad when she cut him off. What would he say? Especially after what happened with them? As he shook his head at himself Bellamy noticed something out of the corner of his eye. The tent was moving like-

"There's no time to waste on any of this. I left a note. Everything is fine."

Bellamy clenched his jaw, wishing she hadn't brought up that up. "I know about the note." His hand was sticking through a slice that been made in the tent wall. No question who'd cut it. "If everything is so fine why am I staring at a slit cut into the tent and..." The question was why. Why couldn't she just walk in here and use the- he'd been inspecting the radio to see if anything had been done to and he found his horrible evidence, "nightblood smeared on the side of the radio?"

His stomach sank. She couldn't walk into the tent because she'd been bloody and didn't want anyone to know. Had she been having symptoms while they were talking and he was too focused on their feelings towards each other to notice if she was ok? He thought of Gabriel's bed in his tent and he himself felt a little faint. Had she done that again? The last time she had run she'd been that sick. Had she not come to him for help because of their conversation?

"Look, I have to go. You all have things to take care of there to get our plan done in time. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Are you sick again? Is it bad? Is this because of last night? Because... Please talk to me. Please let me come see you."

"I'm fine. I'm working with Gabriel and I'll be back tomorrow. Please take care of everything there. Don't come here. Take care of Madi until I get back."

Bellamy took a fresh breath. He was earning back Clarke's trust. That meant instead of doing what he thought was best - because they knew each other better than anyone and that logic had been a two-way street for years, but whatever - he needed to let this one go.

As for Madi... Bellamy thought of the fight that just took place. "Of course I'll take care of Madi." He was still struggling with not begging/demanding she tell him if she was really ok, so Bellamy chose to quit while he was still ahead, ending things with a quick, "I'll see you tomorrow. Please be safe."

"See you tomorrow. Griffin, out."

"Blake, out." Dropping the radio mouthpiece back on the table and his head into his hand for several beats, Bellamy let himself wallow a bit more. She was killing him. After everything, Clarke Griffin was going to be what killed him.

Accepting his fate as easily as that, Bellamy climbed the tower to check on Little-Clarke.

Madi was laying on her back - not unlike his blackout drunk self the night before, which made him wince - staring up at the sky. Bellamy laid down near her and tried to think of something to say.

"Thank you," Madi said before he had the chance. 

"You don't have to thank me for things like that. That's what I'm here for."

"Take the gratitude, Bellamy, because I'm upset with you."

He swiveled his head towards her at that but her gaze stayed skyward. "Why is that?"

"Miller got his note this morning, slipped under his front door. The one from Clarke. I'm the one who put it there when I gave up trying to find you." Her voice wobbled but before Bellamy could interject she'd taken a deep breath and was moving on. " I got that note, and the one she left for me, when I got home a few hours after dinner. You said to find you if something-" she took another steadying exhale as Bellamy's heart immediately broke. "I couldn't find you. I got people to help me look without telling them why. Nobody could find you. When it got late enough I realized you weren't going to-" Madi's face finally crumbled, trying hard and uselessly to hold back how she felt. "I put the letter under his door so one of you would eventually notice that she was gone."

One night. After months of trying, and trying, and trying, it all culminated in him destroying everything important in one night. 

Bellamy sat up and roughly wiped the water that began to fill his eyes. This was about Madi. She was not only their child and they should be strong for her so she felt safe - Clarke showed that time again, and knew the reflex from Octavia - but more importantly, he had no right. He'd taken one night to grieve over hurting Clarke and in doing so, hurt Madi. Bellamy resisted the urge to punch himself in the face but it was a near thing. If anyone hurt them as much as he had, they'd be as good as dead. 

He had just told Clarke that of course he would look after Madi and here they were. 

He was trying so hard at everything and failing so much and sincerely didn't know how to be better. He was lost and at a loss of what to do about it. He was- Trying. So. Hard. But this was too far. Taking a night to forget his responsibilities was too far past failing. Letting them down was way too far.

These thoughts passed in half a second. After sitting up and wiping his eyes he looked at Madi and saw her face screwed up as she still struggled not to cry. 

"Madi, is it ok if -" he held one arm out, offering a hug. Before he got permission to scoot closer Madi darted onto her knees and threw herself at him, immediately crying onto his shoulder. 

She acted so much older, wiser, than she was more often than not. She handled being handed the enormous task of being Heda better than anyone could ever have expected. However, Bellamy recognized she was also still a child and sometimes needed to be cared for like one. Bellamy hugged her back and eventually started slightly swaying to comfort her, murmuring into her hair versions of 'I'm so sorry,' 'you deserve so much better,' and 'never again,' wishing he knew better words to convey how much he hated himself for being the cause of the tears in Clarke's eyes as he left last night and cause of Madi's now as they dampened his shirt.

When Madi pulled back after a while, Bellamy was able to offer her a tissue. Since everything with Clarke, he'd gotten used to putting them in his pocket every day without thinking about it.

"I let you down and I have no excuse." Bellamy's voice was gruff, and as guilty as he felt seeing Madi looking so upset he made sure to make eye contact with her. The least she deserved now was a proper apology. "I know it's hard being Heda. I'm supposed to be helping you and I let you down. You and Clarke should be able to count on me to always be here when you need me." He took Madi's hand and she clenched it. "I know it's scary when Clarke's gone but she knows how to take care of herself, and I'm not going to let anything happen to her no matter where she is. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you two, please know that. I messed up, big time, and I don't expect you to forgive and forget it, but I do hope that you'll give me the chance to show you that I won't do it again. I'll always be here."

Madi watched his face intently as he spoke and he hoped it showed his complete sincerity. 

"I forgive you."

"No, Madi, that's not- I deserve to be-"

"You don't get to tell me who I forgive," she said, her age-defying maturity popping up again now that the girl inside was comforted. "Gaia is my 'Flamekeeper,' and tutor, and sometimes best friend when she isn't being too bossy," Madi smiled and Bellamy was so relieved to see it. "I'm friends with some others, like Octavia and Indra. Everyone else, no matter how much I like them, I need to be their Heda before anything else... You and Clarke are my only family. I don't want to be angry with you."

Bellamy choked up on that one. She considered him her family? Little-Clark was going to be the death of him too, apparently. They knew just how to get to him; all his weak spots. He managed to force out, "thank you. I promise I'll prove to you it's a good call."

When Madi got up he followed suit and they went down the ladder into the real world.

"Bellamy, where the hell have you been? We need you to-" Emori was yelling after they took no more than ten steps on the ground. Bellamy gave Madi a little wave goodbye and raced off for whatever disaster was next. And there were always plenty to choose from.

The next night, by the time it was dinner Bellamy was predictably dead on his feet. That day there had been two arguments over petty disputes that had gotten out of hand, one of which had become physical. One of the guys had been hard as hell to restrain and Bellamy could feel his heartbeat in the huge lump on the back of his head. The water purification problem still needed to be addressed with Raven, which led to the problem of finding components, which led to the problem of assessing all of their systems to see what they could manage without in the meantime. There was an accident at the Eligius ship, which was still being scrapped for tech and metal, and he'd had to run over to organize and participate in digging some idiot out of an avalanche he created himself. Miller and Emori's census task was not being well received so Bellamy had to keep intervening. That wasn't all of it, but it was the highlights. 

Echo had seen it when he'd come in, offering to grab his rations for him so he could collapse into a seat. Bellamy had managed a tired grin of thanks. 

It was as he watched her go that he spotted Clarke walking into the mess hall with two people clearly from Sanctum. Bellamy shook his head, a wide smile twisting his lips through his exhaustion, half amusement and half pride. Gabriel never stood a chance.

He'd gotten up and was on his way to greet them when Madi barely beat him to it. Bellamy chuckled and moved behind Clarke to catch them in the event they needed it; Madi's hugs were - wonderfully - very intense. As he waited for his turn, Bellamy felt eyes on them. Glancing around he couldn't place what was causing the hair on the back of his neck to stand. He'd only gotten it the second he stepped next to the girls which worried him most. He doubted it was more than paranoia; after the lives they'd led more than a healthy amount was a given.

Bellamy thought Clarke knew he was there until she backed into him and he'd had to lightly stabilize her with hands on her arms. She stiffened like a board, all of the soft friendliness she'd had with the others gone. Worried about her health, worried about what the cost of getting their educators would be, mostly worried about Clarke knowing right away about Edzun, and maybe a tad longing to have the opportunity to grovel once more, said quietly, "Can we talk? Outside?"

His answer was Clarke taking huge steps away from him, recovering the moment for their guests by introducing he and Madi. Clarke was smiling and that was good, he supposed. She didn't look pale or tired. However, she wouldn't look at him at all. Every time he'd try to catch her eye she'd been addressing his chest rather than him.

Madi was, by now predictably, an excellent host and was soon guiding the Sanctum couple away. He couldn't imagine what Clarke must feel seeing her daughter growing up to be such an amazing human being. He was so proud and he wasn't even her father. As she naturally charmed their guests he had to say the truth: "She's a good kid, and a natural diplomat, like her mom." Clarke had done such a great job raising her.

Clarke didn't acknowledge him and Bellamy tugged his ear, trying to figure out what to say. 

"If you won't have a conversation with me, please just tell me if you're alright. Whether you like me right now or not, I want to help. You could have told me if you weren't feeling well. I would have taken you; I would have stayed with you."

And it was true. No matter how big of a mess it left in Wonkru he would have preferred being in Sanctum with her.

Clarke didn't acknowledge that. Instead, she used her awful mechanically pleasant voice to tell him, "I'm fine. I'd like a check-in meeting with the others as soon as it can be scheduled. Goodnight." And then turned around and left.

Bellamy stared sadly after her until she was gone. 

The feeling of eyes on him returned and Bellamy surveyed the room. The only people he found watching him were Raven and Echo, but that wouldn't have triggered any alarm bells. Frowning about his baseless worry, Clarke's brush off, and the fact he'd made it through another day by no more than the skin of his teeth, Bellamy headed back their way. The weight of exhaustion came back and he slumped beside Echo, thanking her for the food.

"I take it that didn't go well?"

"It did not," Bellamy confirmed.

"Did she say how she got Gabriel to send over some of his people?"

"She did not. She wants us all to meet as soon as possible; I imagine she'll tell us then."

"I'll take care of setting things up. It's not going to keep our people in line if they see you fall asleep face first in your plate."

"You're right, even though they're the ones doing this to me. I thought leading people through war was bad but I think through boredom is worse."

"Only for a little while longer," Raven said. "We're close to ready to start on Clarke's plan. You definitely won't have to deal with boredom then-"

"- maybe a little attempted mutiny here or there-" Echo added as an aside.

"-things will get better. Since we're going to be the ones with actual schools, me, Jackson, and Emori met up to go over some ideas. His background was all nerdy medical, mine was mostly all assigned reading, shadowing, and learning on the fly when things broke on the Ark. Emori is the only Grounder who has ever learned a trade from the Ark. Like Indra's plan to get the motivation rolling with building houses before starting any public buildings to improve motivation to sign up for building duty, we're trying to figure out how learning the basics can be appealing. All of us saw-"

Raven continued through Bellamy's meal and he was happy to see her enthusiasm for Clarke's idea. Echo was right in how hard it was going to be to get through, so the more dedication from everyone they could get the better. Having the option to farm before they started to relocate people was great news. It provided at least a grain of proof that they weren't doing it to be dictators. 

Grateful as Bellamy was, he was still a little worried about what the Sanctum people had cost them. It was truly impossible to tell Clarke flat out 'no,' but Gabriel was no pushover. There had to be some deal. While he acknowledged that he'd begun to see his leadership style as 'outright failing,' he did wish she'd at least tell him before the others. He was the one working with the overall population in a way no one else was. He probably could have given some relevant thoughts, at least.

Biting his cheek and shaking his head to clear if of Clarke-centered thoughts, he joined reality. While he'd been zoned out Jackson had joined them. Echo was holding his hand. The lump on the back of his head was throbbing and every bit of him was so, so tired.

When Echo interrupted their friends banter to ask if he wanted to go he gratefully agreed. Slinging his arm across her shoulders in part affection and partly to keep himself upright, they headed home. Echo asked about his day and Bellamy tried to explain it to her. She was smart so she understood it, it was only... The only people she'd ever been responsible for had been under Queen Nia. She had never had to make hard calls for her people solo before, or choose what right vs. wrong was for everyone else, or define justice, or be the person everyone looked to when something was wrong, or frightening, or hard. Echo understood it but could never relate. It would have been great if Echo had been able to carry a bit of the slack through all of this. That wasn't fair of him; she did help. However, she felt like she needed to check in with him regarding any decisions, which made him feel like he might as well do it himself. She also did not have a way with people - it was work for anyone to listen to her - and no one wanted to trust a spy even if she'd been able to pull off being charismatic. So he appreciated the support, but even as he explained felt a little lonely.

It didn't help when they passed Clarke's house on the way to he and Echo's. Through the window - did they not have curtains? Anyone could watch them right now - it was easy to see she and Madi at the kitchen table. Madi must have left when his mind had been preoccupied. She was talking animatedly about something. Not Edzun or Clarke would not be smiling; she would be on her way to find him with a hatchet in hand. Bellamy really did need to talk to her about that as soon as possible. No, Madi was telling some happy story and Clarke was smiling as she brushed out Madi's hair.

Sighing, wishing he had been able to get a word in earlier, he passed with Echo and entered their cabin. He was asleep before he landed on their bed, his last thought being that they needed some curtains.

In the late morning when they all met, courtesy of Echo finding everyone -Bellamy felt guilty thinking she wasn't doing enough last night and dedicated himself to finding ways to praise her, because what kind of asshole boyfriend would he be if he didn't - Clarke explained her deal with Gabriel. 

"That's a perfect deal in theory, but we're already going to have a fight on our hands forcing everyone to move. Demanding some of them leave to go guard Sanctum at the same time... Instead of being grateful for the opportunity to start learning the land, they are going to be focused on thinking our goal is to tear their families apart. The whole thing will die before it even starts."

Clarke had been wearing her blank face the entire time, her eyes on the table covered with documents, but as Bellamy spoke she frowned. "That is... A good point."

He resisted mentioning that their different angles seeing things was a part of why they worked so well together, but he didn't. Not in front of the others, that was.

"We'll have to..." Clarke seemed distracted, her mind stuck on that problem. 

'Let me figure it out with you,' Bellamy mentally shouted as she moved on. 

"We'll have to figure that out soon. In the meantime, I have a solid draft of the map. I wanted to bring it to you first before I start officially designating spots because you'll have to move too."

"The hell we will."

"Bellamy, we have to be examples. I tried to be as mindful as possible." Clarke started pointing at the map to show them.

"Bellamy and Echo, you will stay where you are now since it'll be in the middle once everything is done. Madi and Gaia will be in the house next to you, which makes sense because the leaders ought to be together. Indra, I've put you here, so you're closer than most; we can count Gaia as neutral since she' s with the Heda. You'll also get to be closer than most to Octavia, since you're Trikru and she's technically Skykru, and that puts her as close as I can to you, Bellamy. I've done that with everybody. You're technically still participating but none of you will be more than a five-minute walk from each other. In my entire plan the only location that is inexcusable is Jordan; I want him to move him even closer to you," she said to Bellamy's arm, still not speaking to him directly, "Monty and Harper woke us up first to ask us to take care of him. I want him directly across the street from you when he gets here from Sanctum."

"Madi on one side, Jordan in front..." Murphy mused. "Congratulations, Bellamy. You just became daddy to The Hundred: Generation Dos. Because the first wasn't enough."

When the others scoffed at that and started discussing the map, Bellamy ducked close to Clarke's ear to point out an obvious oversight. "Where are you?"

"Right here," she said for the sake of being a smartass. He would have rolled his eyes and played along if not slightly alarmed.

"Clarke, where are you on the map? You said Madi and Gaia. It wasn't a slip- you wrote only Madi and Gaia. Where are you?"

She still wouldn't look at him, but Clarke did lean in to say in the softest whisper. "Can we not do this right now?"

"Where are you going to be, Clarke?" he asked a little louder.

Clarke smacked his chest with the back of her hand. "We will discuss it. Please stop."

Bellamy scrubbed his jaw in frustration and as a deterrent from opening his mouth and causing a scene. He was trying to get on her good side, he reminded himself. How had he done it the first time? He couldn't even remember anymore. All he could recall was that one day that hated each other and in what seemed like a span of a breath, he'd kill for her. There was no in-between, at least in his memories.

The meeting didn't last much longer, only updates on their projects and whether they'd meet their deadlines or if they needed help.

When it ended Bellamy kept an unblinking watch on Clarke as she moved around, putting things away. Jackson tried to talk to her and she seemed polite but Bellamy noticed she wouldn't look at him either. What was that about?

Her uncanny quick thinking and ability to sneak her way into or out of about anything had saved the day more than once. Bellamy could use a little less of it when he glanced over to answer a question from Octavia and Clarke was gone by the time he looked back. Knowing it was useless he jogged to the street, looking up and down, but there was no sign of her.

Resigned, Bellamy went back to the others. He covered more ground in Wonkru than anyone, rushing from one emergency to another all day. As she pointed out, there were only 400 of them left. And she lived next door... for now... no, for good. She couldn't avoid him for the rest of their lives.

Hours later, as it neared sundown, the shouts of warning started throughout Wonkru. It was exactly as planned, though this time not a drill. Everyone who noticed the bugs provided in their homes going crazy were sounding the alarm. Bellamy's heart began beating out of his chest anyway, given what thoughts the Red Sun brought to mind, but he outwardly kept his cool and directed everyone he passed to follow the plan. They had done several Red Sun drills and each had gone perfectly. Everyone was down into the caves with the doorway sealed behind them with time to spare. After being explained what it did, their people were very invested in getting everyone in there in a neat and orderly fashion; no one wanted themselves or their neighbors to turn into murder-zombies. That said, this was their first actual Red Sun and Bellamy figured if something was going to go wrong it would be then.

When he couldn't find anyone else through the streets Bellamy checked in with his radio to see how they were doing. Raven responded that they were doing a final count but so far everyone seemed present and accounted for. 

He hadn't made it through the cave doorway before Emori stopped him, expression grave.

"Clarke's missing."

Terror. That was what Bellamy felt. Outright, immediate terror. "You're sure?"

"Sure. We did a triple count; she isn't here."

"How is that-" Shaking his head, the 'how' not important now, Bellamy checked his watch. Gabriel gave them very detailed information regarding the Red Sun. He had about fifteen minutes before it would start to infect everyone.

"Get in the bunker. I'll get her in time."

"Bellamy, don't. You might find her only to kill her."

"I got this," Bellamy said as he ran away, no time to wait. He wouldn't risk Clarke's life by staying out longer than he had to but he also wasn't going to leave her behind. Running through camp he yelled her name at top volume, headed for her house because he had no idea where else to look.

When he got there the door was - ok, he was grateful this one time - unlocked and he called her name entering, beginning to search for her right away. There weren't really any places to look but he did anyway. Throwing open the door he knew to be her bedroom's, Bellamy's head cocked, even given everything momentarily curious. There were coats and piled shirts on her bed, but no sheets. He checked behind the dresser for Clarke - even as he did it he knew it didn't make sense, he just didn't know where else in all of Wonkru where to look. He bent to look under her bed only to find her missing sheets. He immediately saw they were coated in blood. Yanking them out he saw they were coated in... in so, so much blood. His terror and panic was then joined by curious dread and Bellamy threw them, looking next in Madi's room and under her bed. Looked around the kitchen and living space as if there was any way she'd become momentarily invisible when he passed before. Giving up, he yelled her name through the streets, taking the longest way he could in the hopes she'd hear him. 

By the time he got back he prayed she'd found her way while he was gone and he'd been too busy running to hear it on the radio, but no. There was no Clarke to be found. 

It killed him. It killed him having to leave her behind, again. If it was any other circumstance he'd stay back for her. This time, with the Red Sun, that would be the worst thing he could do.

Shutting the door behind him, Bellamy hung his head, nearly ripping his scalp out by how hard he was pulling at his hair.

"How is she not here?" Raven was asking. "That was the rule. Anyone new, everyone new, to the camp got the tour and directions to the cave. Everyone. I don't-"

Murphy strolled over. "What's the hold up with the doors? We're cutting it a bit close-"

"Clarke's missing. She knows where the cave is, I don't get-"

"What do you mean Clarke's- Oh shit. Oh shit, I was going to tell her and then she looked so off and basically ran away, so I was going to tell her later, and- Shit."

"You didn't tell her?" Bellamy yelled, shoving Murphy into the nearest wall, loud enough to startle everyone closest to them.

"I know, I'm sorry. I'll apologize later. Right now you need to let me go. I need to go out there."

"I don't-"

"Shit. Bellamy the time's almost up. I gotta get out there."

Echo pulled Bellamy away from Murphy. "Don't be stupid. The closest thing she can be to safe right now is alone. There's no one to fight and no one to hurt her. Going after her puts her in more danger than leaving her this time."

"She's in danger if she's alone; especially in danger if she's alone. I've got to go-"

Murphy started pushing past all of them to the door, only slowing when Bellamy caught his arm. Echo was right. 

Murphy tried to pull free then looked at his watch, muttering, "shit, shit, shit."

Instead of pulling away further Murphy moved close, almost chest-to-chest with Bellamy and spoke as lowly as he could. He shook his head as he hissed the whispered secret out, clearly hating every second. "Her hallucinations didn't tell her to go postal and kill her friends like the rest of you. Hers told her to kill herself. I barely stopped her before she slit her throat last time. That's why we teamed up. Red Sun doesn't affect me, remember? She was a danger to herself, not to me, and she could help me with you. And I didn't want to leave her behind to kill herself or for you to find her."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Pretty personal. Figured if Clarke wanted you to know you'd know. You gotta let me go man. I'll keep her alive until you guys can come topside."

When Bellamy released him Murphy bolted for the door, throwing a very confused Emori an air kiss as he slammed it behind him. Echo, also not knowing what the hell changed his mind, sealed it. Then Echo, Emori, and Raven all stood in front of him in various postures of 'you better tell me what's happening right now or else.' Bellamy shook his head and moved to the closed door, letting himself slide down it to sit, checking his watch. 

He hadn't made sure she knew where the cave was. Everyone else knew and he hadn't had to tell them, but he should have made especially sure with her. She must have been - Bellamy started tugging at his hair again, the mixture and amount of emotions within him getting too big to handle - she must have been alone and had no one to follow. He kept leaving her alone. Bellamy punched the stone floor beside him.

He hadn't brought up their Red Sun experience because he'd been so ashamed of what he'd said and done to her. She hadn't brought it up either, and she'd stabbed him, so he knew - he thought he knew, anyway - that they were on the same page. It made them crazy, it made them say and do things they hated. Like many things in their relationship, it was a hurt that didn't need to be poked at. He'd been wrong. He'd been so, so wrong. He punched the stone floor.

Bellamy thought about in Gabriel's tent when Clarke decided she'd rather go to the Primes Lab than be exposed to the lowest dose of Red Sun toxin. He saw what the Primes Lab did to her, and afterward didn't reflect on the situation enough to realize that was her choice of lesser evils. He remembered when she refused to take it to save her life and he'd been so frustrated, so desperate for her to be better, he'd assumed her experience was the same as the rest of them. Gabriel was the one who asked 'how bad was it?' It was one more way he'd failed her. He punched the stone floor.

Then there were the sheets. Bellamy felt his entire self curl inward at the pain of thinking of those damn sheets. They'd been covered in blood. Soaked. It made him want to throw up thinking about it. All of his fears about why she'd left for Sanctum the way she had were confirmed. He'd let the topic drop, not wanting her to be mad at him, when if she chose to hate him for making sure she was healthy, he could live with that. He wanted her in his life but he wanted her alive more. He punched the floor.

Where the hell were her new ones? Had she been sleeping on those coats? Why the hell hadn't she replaced them, why hadn't she told him she needed help, why hadn't she told him about the Red Sun, why had he left her alone, why, why, why? Each 'why' was accompanied by slamming fist into the ground, the only thing he could do at the time to punish himself. 

Echo put her hand between him and the stone, and he resented her for it. He got it, but she didn't understand what he'd done. What he couldn't seem to stop doing, no matter how hard he was trying. She didn't understand that it was the least he deserved.

Dropping his head back against the door, Bellamy closed his eyes. Nobody understood but Clarke.


	13. Clarke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Story Note:  
> -We're finally going places, team. Hope you're a Murphy fan. If not, my apologies.
> 
> Personal Note:  
> \- I'm not ignoring your comments- they mean so much to me! I have to leave right now but I'll reply ASAP. Thank you all for being the best, most incredible, coolest people ever. I still can't believe you're reading this and I'm so, so grateful.

Clarke had sent Simon and Lydia back to Wonkru. She wanted to stay a little longer envisioning what the wild land would someday be. To the west were going to be the versatile Jojo berry fields - that she would like to discuss renaming with Gabriel because it felt like Josephine was with her in every agricultural discussion - and corn. Sanctum could support almost every type of earth flora, so to the east would be wheat and soybeans to get them started. They would be planted at intervals so once their staples were in place other crops could be added between them with equal ease of access. She could almost see the rerouted water supply, the mills, and short bridges. The kids playing in the creek even though they weren't supposed to, the temptation too strong.

When she was finally heading back, Clarke felt it before she saw it. The dizziness and blurred vision she could dismiss as usual, but the way the world tinted accompanied by the fatal, painful dread, were unfortunately familiar. Wishing desperately, against logic, Clarke tilted her head back and saw a Red Sun shining down on her. She closed her eyes and kept them closed as she faced forward, heart pounding. Knowing she had to look, wishing anything could keep her from having to.

"Hey, princess." The wound she'd cut into his heart heavily bleeding, Finn started walking closer. "Since you've forgotten about me, thought I'd drop in to remind you. I haven't forgotten you."

Horror. Absolute horror filled her. Clark lowered her head and sprinted full speed back to Wonkru, as if she could escape what she'd done. She ran up and down the streets, looking for anyone, looking for a place to hide, but there was nothing other than-

"He thinks you've forgotten him?" Wells shook his head in disbelief. "I might as well never have existed. We grew up together. I kept your secret. I took the blame. I got myself arrested to follow you to the Ground. I wanted to keep you safe. You knew I loved you. Then you protected the girl that killed me. You risked your life for her after she cut my throat. I didn't die fast, Clarke. Did you know that? My last thought was you. Have you thought of me once since?"

Clarke backed away as he spoke. "I did. I do. I told Madi stories about you. I taught her chess like we used to-

She bolted, not sure where she was going, just running. She caught movement out of the corner of her eye. Anya was keeping up with her as she ran. "I was the first-"

Clarke veered down another street to find Luna blocking her path, arms crossed. "We were safe until you came. My people were happy. Then you killed-"

Turning around to escape, she found that Finn, Wells, and Anya were trailing her, stopping her from ever going back.

She shut her eyes tightly, praying for it all to stop, then heard someone chuckle close beside her. "What's the matter? There are so many of us waiting to see you. You really are the angel of death, after all." That voice. Those words. Only one person had ever called her that... Clarke finally began crying. "You killed us. You deserve this. You deserve to finally see what you do. Open your eyes, Clarke." She did, unable to deny him anything. Jasper was there, his arm around radiation burned Maya. "You as good as killed me when you murdered all those people. Those men, women, and children. Don't worry. They're on their way. You'll get to see them again soon."

Running through the standing corpses of her victims, Clarke once more tried to escape. She knew there was no point but she didn't know what else to do. She ran into her house and curled up under her kitchen table, eyes closed and ears covered.

"Clarke, honey," Abby said, and she didn't need to say more. Her first Red Sun, her nightly visits; Clarke knew exactly what her mom wanted her to do.

"You're not real, you're not real-"

"Does it matter if we are? What we're saying is real. You know it's true. You know what you do to people. You've known. And you keep doing it anyway; keep letting it happen. You're-"

"You're not real, you're not real, you're not-"

Then a sweet voice pierced through all the insanity. "Clarke?"

"Madi? You can't be out here, what-"

But when Clarke looked she hoarsely screamed. Madi was covered in blood. Drenched in it, her clear blue eyes stark against the red. 

"What everyone thinks is wrong, Clarke. I know you won't hurt me. Not for now at least. I'm going to grow up to be just like you. I'm going to kill everyone left, just like you. You'll let me, because you love me, and all of those deaths will be on you too. After all, if you would have died when you were supposed to I could have ended up differently. I could have been good. But being with you, this is what I'll become. I'll kill everyone left. It won't compare to the hundreds, thousands, you've murdered, but then, you've left so few behind for me. I'll kill them all. I'll be just like you."

"No, Madi, please stop, please. Don't be like me, I won't let you be like me."

"You can't stop it. The reason Sheidheda was able to grow strong within me is he had so much dark to live in. You already made me so dark. It was easy. It's only going to get worse. So, so much worse."

"I won't let that happen, I- I-"

"You know what I'm saying is true. You know you're going to ruin me. That's how selfish you are. You're so selfish you'd choose your own life over mine, over all the people I'll kill because of you. You lie when you say you care about your people. You only care about yourself."

"It's not true, that's not true."

"Prove us wrong then. Do something good, for once, in your whole life. Let it end with you. One life for hundreds. You'd make that choice easily if it was anyone but you on the chopping block. So selfish."

"I don't want to- I can't let you- This isn't real, this isn't real-"

"It's real enough. If you love me, if you want me to be happy, if you want your people to survive, you have one more choice to make. One easy choice. You or everyone. It's as easy as that. Choose who lives: you or everyone else."

Clarke blinked, realizing Lexa's dagger was somehow in her hand. That made her pause, which only made Lexa appear at Madi's side. "No, no, no, no- Ok, I'll do it. Please no more. Please, please- I'll do it."

Hand trembling, Clarke put the dagger to her throat. She started pulling it away - she couldn't do it, this wasn't real - but Madi reminded her, "one choice. You or everyone. You can finally make a sacrifice that matters. Don't be selfish."

Nodding her understanding, Clarke put the knife back and took a deep breath, feeling it begin to pierce her skin. 

She'd meant it when she left that first night. She'd given up so many pieces of her humanity along the way, there wasn't any left. She was a monster. If she really cared about her people she would remove the monster from their midst. Madi would be sad at first but that kid was resilient. She'd get over it and be led through life by hands not drenched in blood. If anyone else noticed they'd be grateful.

Adjusting the knife so one slice would be enough to sever her artery, tears ran down her face. All of the voices of her loved ones urged her to get it over with already.

She would. She loved them enough that she would. She didn't want to hurt people anymore. This was the only way to keep everyone safe from her. 

"Hey, hey, hey- Clarke. Clarke!"

That voice was louder than the rest. And it didn't belong.

The other voices yelled at her for hesitating, saying that the human race didn't have a moment to lose getting rid of her, but Clarke's curiosity had her squinting open her eyes. In the doorway stood... Murphy?

"Stop. I need you to listen to me."

"No, Clarke," Dante Wallace said near the window. "listen to us. We know-"

"Hey!" Clarke jumped a little and saw Murphy had taken several steps closer and was snapping his fingers to get her attention. "Clarke, you're smarter than this. You know what the Red Sun does. You know I'm the only real person here. Speaking on behalf of all real people, we need you to stop."

Lexa came closer. "Don't stop, Clarke. If you love me you won't stop cutting until you hit bone." 

That got a sob out of Clarke and she nodded. She loved her so much. She squeezed her eyes tightly-

"Dammit. Listen! To! Me!" 

She jumped, hearing how much closer he was and saw that Murphy was crouched only several feet away now. 

"Clarke, listen to my voice. Only my voice. It sounds different, right? It's easier to focus on if you try. Just give me a minute ok? Talk to me. Focus."

She shook her head. "You were right. All this time you were right about me. I only hurt people. I'm- I'm selfish and other people pay for it. I can't be selfish anymore. Either I die or everyone else does. Simple choice. One more choice and it's all over; all of you will finally be safe."

"Listen to me, Clarke. I'm serious, listen to the sound of my voice. It's different because it's real. Focus on that. Focus on what's real. In the real world, Madi loves you-" Clarke glanced over at blood-soaked Madi. "Hey! I said focus. In the real world, people need you. We need you and the only selfish thing you can do is abandon us. That's what it would be. It wouldn't be you saving us; it would be skipping out on us. We're the last of The Hundred left. You, me, Octavia, Miller. Bellamy and Raven as wanna-bes. That's it. We can't throw in the towel now. We-"

Clarke really had focused on his voice. Everything in the world was still skewed, her mind was still fuzzy and her body was still aching with dread, she could still hear what the others were saying, but his voice did sound different. More solid than the rest and if she put all of her focus on it she could cling to that.

She'd been so focused on his voice she didn't notice him inching closer until he was grabbing her wrist with one hand and palming her face with the other, shoving them apart. Before she could react he dove forward, landing so her hand with the dagger was on one side of his body, her wrist wrapped in both of his hands, and she on the other. 

"Murphy, stop, stop! I need to do this. I need to save everyone. You want me to do this."

"Bit of a weird reaction from someone who wants you to kill yourself, but ok," he grunted as he tried to pry her hand open. "Drop the knife. I don't want to hurt you but you'll get over a broken wrist faster than a slit throat."

All of the voices were yelling at Clarke. She was such a failure for not doing it while she had the chance. She was so weak, and pathetic, and useless, and- 

Clarke turned feral trying to get away and she couldn't tell how long they struggled on the floor. Her eyes watered in desolation when Murphy finally had her pinned and was tying her hands together. Her father was looking down at her with so much disappointment. She told him, told them all, she was sorry and began begging Murphy to let her go; let her do what needed to be done. What he wanted her to do.

"Nope. I'm keeping you alive," he got up, hauling her to her feet, "literally kicking and screaming. Let's go. Which room is yours, which is former-cyber-god-child's?" When she didn't answer he rolled his eyes, opening Madi's door first. Scanning the interior, seeing all of the knick-knacks and weapons and drawings, he shook his head, then tried her door. 

"Well this is just sad," he said dryly. "Here my plan was to tie- What the hell is that?" Murphy abruptly dragged her through the doorway, pointing at something on the ground. Realizing what it was, Clarke flinched. She'd meant to throw away the evidence when she got back but there hadn't been an opportunity to get away with it yet. She had no idea how the sheet had gotten from under her bed to thrown across her floor, but there it was, Murphy pointing at them accusingly. 

"How did that happen?" She didn't answer him again, distracted by Josephine screaming at her. "Clarke!" He yanked her so they met face-to-face and it was harder to ignore him. "Did you do this," he waved at the sheets, "with this?" he waved at her neck, where she still felt the dampness of blood from the knife's edge. If only she'd done it when she had the chance, if only she hadn't- "Answer me."

Clarke shook her head.

"Say it. Say out loud to me that you didn't."

"I didn't."

"Well then what the hell happened?"

Clarke opened her mouth several times but her father was there, telling her how weak she was.

"Was it the thing like in Sanctum? When they brought you in all bloody. Is that still happening?" She nodded. "I take it no one knows. Hence the-" he clearly put the pieces together, and groaned. "Oh for- Have you been sleeping on-? Are you serious? Where the hell are new ones so I-? Don't tell me there aren't-" He didn't need answers, reading her face in his Murphy-esque way and gave a long-suffering sigh. "You are such a pain in my ass. Let's go."

"Stop! Leave me here. Leave and I'll take care of-"

"Give it a rest already. It's almost sundown and we've got work to do."

"Where are we going?" 

"I may be a dick but I'm not a complete ass. We're gonna get you a house warming present. Better late than never, right? Right."

Murphy headed for the marketplace at a jog. The visions chased her every step but he was moving too fast for her to pay real attention, barely keeping upright as he led her by her wrists.

"Ok, let's get started with some essentials," he said when they drew to a stop, stacking folded cloth.

"How long are you going to drag this out, princess?" Finn asked in her ear. "You know what you-"

"Clarke-" Murphy grabbed her jaw and directed her face towards him. "I asked what your favorite color is."

"What?"

"I asked you what your favorite color is and you ignored me like a jerk. Focus on my voice. I mean it. What is it?" When she hesitated he jostled her. "Come on, if Bellamy was here he could tell me what it is. What is it?"

"Green."

"Green? Hmmm, me too. Like when we first got off the dropship, right? Little did we know we were staring into the face of death itself, but for a minute there, earth was real good lookin'. So green, I can work with green...Pink would have been a bitch..."

Clarke looked around and it fully clicked what they were doing there. 

"I can't afford any of this."

"Sure you can. Firstly, it's a gift. I'm getting you a present. This is a solo mission; you're along for the ride. Secondly, anyone can afford anything with the five-finger discount. We're criminals, remember? That's why we've had the pleasure of each other's company all this time."

"I wasn't a thief. They locked me up-"

"Eh, semantics. I was a mere arsonist. Miller would be hurt by the judgey tone in your voice about thieves so keep it down."

Clarke glanced up and down the deserted streets and almost grinned until Wells stepped into view. "You can't remember me no matter what, can you? You already can't remember what we asked you to do. The only way you can make up for killing us. Can you at least remember how to fight? That's all you are anymore. An empty, pointless fight. Or are you not even that?"

She looked around and saw a table with bits of stone and shavings... that must mean... yes, near it was a bucket filled with sticks, each fletched, which meant they must be arrows. She had begun to follow Murphy without resistance as he spoke - further proof she was a traitor, willing to leave all those lives unavenged - so she pointedly stayed near him and relaxed before twisting and pulling her wrists away with full force. 

She got free, got to the arrows, grabbed one, was slowed by her bound wrists, but still managed to flip it to have the right end pointed at her heart, and then she - Was yanked backward by her hair, the arrow snatched out of her hands and thrown out of reach. 

"Have I told you lately it's annoying how resourceful you can be? Because it is. I said I don't want to hurt you and I said I'm keeping you alive. Stop making me choose."

Clarke began demanding that Murphy let her go, tears falling. She'd been so close, Murphy had gotten there barely in time, she'd felt their approval as she'd grabbed that arrow, now it was gone. Through the trembling orders, she felt Murphy studying her for a beat. He grabbed some nearby cloth, roughly wiped her cheeks with it, and tucked it in his pocket.

"Are you done? Need anything else while we're here? Your place looked pretty empty. You know what? I'm gonna take it all. Stop fighting me for a sec, I need to find a sack- "

She struggled more and he sighed, "yeah, should have seen that comin'. My bad. Ok, one-handed thievery it is. We've got time to kill, and since trying to distract you is still the best thing I can think of at the moment, multiple trips wouldn't be the worst thing ever."

He did find a huge sack and left it open on a table, walking them back and forth from it to other tables as he filled it. Murphy commentated his thoughts on every item, pulling her close enough to startle her or asking her what her opinion was at a shout whenever her focus drifted and the voices got louder. She wasn't sure how he could tell but he did it every time. When he was finally struggling to close the sack, filled to the brim as it was, Clarke paid attention to his goal again.

"I can't afford any of this. Stop it. I don't have anything. Put it back. Put it back Murphy, I'm serious."

"Not gonna happen." He hauled the sack over a shoulder with one hand and began hauling her home with the other. "Firstly, we're here because you don't have anything. So that argument is pretty stupid. You're proving my point. Secondly, all of these people would be long dead if it wasn't for you. They can spare a damn blanket."

"Not if you ask them. They hate me. 'Wanheda,' remember? They'd rather set all of this on fire than let me have it. Really, Murphy, if any of them find out-"

"Even if they do, so what? A lot more of them are more grateful than you think; they'll probably be cool with it. Maybe flattered you liked their shit enough to take it. Possibly even embarrassed they didn't think to give it to you. No one would believe your place is - now, was, - like that. And some might be stupid enough to still resent you but no one could possibly think it would be a good idea to start shit with the one and only Clarke Griffin."

"What, because I'll slaughter them and their families?"

"Naw. You roll with enough people who might on your behalf," he chuckled, "but not you. What I mean is you're sort of a celebrity around these parts. 'Savior of all mankind' gets thrown around amongst other things. It's pretty annoying but I've learned to cope. You know, you're real clueless when it comes to yourself. Do you know that? For someone so obnoxiously smart you're a mess."

"I don't even want to know what you mean by that."

"Well that's too bad, Wanheda, because I'm going to tell you. That's the first one. What's your problem with being called that?"

"You can't be serious. They gave me that after the genocide at Mount Weather. They know I'm- I'm a -"

All the voices spoke at once, pressing close, "Murderer."

"Hey, hey, hey," Murphy grabbed her hands and spun her around in a huge circle a few times. "I have your attention and I'm not the sharing type. Get it together." He pulled her forward sharply, picking up the sack he must have dropped on the ground."As I was saying before the Run Sun's asshole minions interrupted, maybe some people meant that in a crappy way at first - ok, most people - but you gotta look at the big picture. Queen Nia went to some pretty extreme lengths to get her hands on you, amongst others. There was no judgment or wanting you punished in there. You were - are - powerful as hell and they were jealous. They wish they'd done it. 

"And I mean- Commander of Death? You were being called that by the Grounders. Do you know who you saved - not killed - at Mount Weather? A shit ton of Grounders, that's who. You commanded some death alright, and saved them, and their grandkids, and their grand-grand-grand-grand-grandkids doing it. They never would have put an end to the whole creepy blood jacking and Reapers deal if it wasn't for you. 

"So sure, you got a bad rep at first and you got a shitty - but if you think about it pretty cool-sounding - nickname to sum it up. Octavia got 'Death from Above' before the whole Red Queen shenanigans went down. You know what the rest of us got? Nada. We're a big lump of 'Skykru' to them. It hurts. Now adays, you're the one so set on making it a bad thing. I get why you do it, I do, but your reaction when people say it makes it an insult. One I may or may not have used regularly when pissed," he shot her both a guilty look and a shrug. "It's hard finding good insults for you. Everyone gets to use 'useless' and 'leech' on me. What's a little gut-wrenching meanness between friends, am I right?

"Anyway, so that's what's up. I didn't think to hold a conference meeting letting you know that; sincerely, my bad. I call you Wanheda, the people who made it here call you Wanheda, because hell yeah you're the Commander of Death. And guess what: we're alive. We wouldn't be without you. You commanded good ol' death to screw right on off. There are worse things to be known for. You need to start owning that shit."

Clarke blinked, looking around. At some point, they'd gotten back to her cabin, and Murphy had tied her to the kitchen table. She heard whispers coming for her so she tried to focus on him again. What he told her was working. She really was hiding from them with what was real. "People didn't feel that before. You definitely did not feel that way before. Now you're just saying it out of pity. You feel guilty I'm falling apart. You want me to fix Wonkru for you."

Murphy stopped trying to hang up PVC piping in her living room and drew close so she could clearly see his face. "Clarke what-ever-your-middle-name-is Griffin. It's me you're talking to. In what world - pun intended - would I ever lie to make you feel better? Does that sound like me? No. It does not. Use your head. Pity you? Pity you? Do you even hear yourself?" He made a disgusted noise and went back to the window, shaking his head.

"I thought about it on the way back from seeing Diyoza. They're drugging you. You're high. That's the only logical explanation of how they got you to pretend to be nice to me."

"Back in our days of true hatred, I assure you that there is nothing in existence that could get me high enough to fake this. Things are different now, things change," he said, turning back to pick something up from the table, shaking it out as Clarke watched with growing interest. 

"And you know what, yeah. Yeah, I feel guilty, you got me there. So what? I did some pretty shitty things. I hated you, and I blamed you, and I took everything out on you because I could; because it basically became a team sport. I didn't have some epiphany about you being heaven-sent. I did, however, start to think about your side of our stories. Since Sanctum. You did some pretty... You did some things that no one else would ever have the balls to do. Sure, some I still don't like. But I get the why now. Makes a difference. I treated you like crap. I'm a human being; I'm allowed to learn how to feel bad about stuff. It's a new phenomenon but I'm getting there.

"Let's see, what else did you so outrageously accuse me of-" He held up fingers as he counted them off. "Pity, guilt, Wonkru. Did I miss anything?" When Clarke didn't reply he rolled his eyes in annoyance. "Fine, make my version of hell more difficult for me. Why am I not surprised?" He stepped away from his project to grab one of the other pipes and Clarke saw that he'd hung curtains. They were white and went floor to ceiling. Staring at them with eyes suddenly getting watery, she could make out that he'd ripped holes along the top of a bedsheet and ran the PVC pipe through it.

Walking to the window on the other side of the fireplace he started on the next one, saying casually, "Also, ok, you kinda got me on the Wonkru thing too but I think your perspective is pretty screwed on that one. Like, monumentally off base. Hell yeah, I'm hoping you'll help us fix Wonkru. Is that fair to you? Not at all. Not the tiniest bit. Sorry. If I knew how to do it myself I would and leave you to do 'whatever the hell you want.'" He chuckled, amusing himself quoting the original dropship motto. Boy, that hadn't lasted long. "You deserve a break more than the rest of us combined. That said: we're not trying to 'use you,' per se, or being nice because we're trying to manipulate you into saving the day. We... need you to save us. Need. We're idiots who haven't realized we're such complete idiots until you weren't there to tell us what to do anymore. We're lost lambs in the damn woods, Clarke. It's honestly been embarrassing. It's not fair, but no one knows how to lead like you do. You're born for this shit. We're born to be lackeys. It is what it is. If you'll just tell us how to fix it, I swear we won't bother you anymore. For now, half of what's left of humanity is going to shit and the reality is no one can save undeserving assholes like you.

"And finally..." Murphy stepped back, appreciating his handiwork almost as much as Clarke did. He started towards her, pointing at the space in front of the fireplace, saying, "I know exactly which rug we're jacking for right here. Let's go. It's sunset already. I'll get the other ones when we're back. What's Madi's favorite color?"

They once again moved too fast towards the market for Clarke to think of anything other than keeping pace with him. He had truly paid attention to the rugs the first time because he tossed three on top of each other and tugged her down to help him roll them up as one.

"This is how you spend your time?" Lexa asked, crouching in front of her. "This is more important than saving humanity? You're not selfish; you're bloodthirsty. You want them all to die."

"I don't. I want to keep them safe. I'm sorry, I'll-"

"Nope. None of that." Murphy stood abruptly, caught Clarke behind her knees and shoulders, shifted his arms so she rolled onto her back, and tossed her in the air a couple of times. When he put her back down Clarke hit his chest with her bound hands.

"What the hell?"

"Oh, you're fine. You're also lighter than I thought." He narrowed his eyes and put his hand on top of her hair, comparing their heights. "What the hell? You're smaller than I thought. How did I miss that? I could have been throwing you around for years."

"Not if you wanted to live."

"Fair point." He hauled the rugs up and over his shoulder with the arm not keeping her captive. They headed back, it officially night. "It must have been my survival instincts protecting me from that information."

"You're survival instincts must be going to hell. You know people die around me, Murphy. Always. You've seen it. You're the first to bring it up. If you let me go-"

"Naw, I'll get bored eventually. This is completely to my benefit. See, you know who's still alive after everything we've been through? Me. Who's still alive after all of it? You. Who's going to be alive when the sun explodes and every living thing is wiped out of existence? Us, shootin' the shit in the dark."

That finally got her. Clarke laughed. "Is that so?"

"Yep. No question in my mind. If we're on our A-game - which, I mean, when are we not - we'll sneak Bellamy and Emori with us through apocalypse number seven or whatever it is by then. You can command death to skip them."

At the sound of Bellamy's name she winced, sucked out of the easy focus Murphy had lulled her into.

"What was that?"

"What was what?" Clarke looked around to find they were in Madi's room. There was a white curtain on the window. There was a blue patterned rug on the floor. He was covering the fresh sheets and pillows with a thick blue blanket.

A bloody Madi was sitting on the edge of the bed. "I thought you'd keep me safe. I thought you loved me. I thought-"

"I do love you. I love you so much. Please-"

This time when Murphy picked her up it was like she was one of the rugs; tossed over his shoulder.

"Dammit, Murphy, put me down," Clarke growled. There was no shrieking. There was the threat of bodily harm. Bound wrists and kicking legs useless, Clarke was lining up to decimate the back of his head with her elbow when Murphy dropped her onto her own bed, tying her to a corner post.

"Oh yeah, now that Bellamy has hidden all the guns I could really get used to this."

"You'll wish I had a gun."

Murphy nodded at that and snickered. "That's probably true. I'll save it as our special thing if you ever get locked out in Red Sun crazy town again. Which, by the way, is my fault. I didn't show you where to go." He paused rolling out the green rug at her feet. "At the time you seemed..." Murphy shook off his excuse, scratching his forehead with distinct discomfort. "I'm sorry, Clarke. For a lot of things. One of them is I'm sorry I got you trapped out here with this. When we aren't, eh, more like when you aren't like this - Red Sun bonkers - I have... specific things I'd like to chat about with you."

Clarke didn't know what to say to that so she just nodded.

"Now, what's the deal with you and Bellamy?" He tsked when she opened her mouth to deny it, already seeing it on her face. "I've been carrying all the weight here on keeping you distracted. You could chip in at least a little. My mouth is getting tired."

"A phrase I never thought I'd hear you say."

"There's my girl. Keep talkin' at me. I swear," he gave her a steady look, "seriously. I swear I won't repeat it. Any of it. Upon recently stalking you, it has come to my attention that you don't say much of anything to anyone other than for business, threat, or apology purposes. Other than Madi, of course. You're not a shitty mom. Upon general reflection, I don't know that I've ever seen you do much of that to anyone but Bellamy. So what's the scoop? Spill to the master of secrets."

"We're... We aren't friends anymore."

Murphy laughed. He gave a true laugh then trailed off when he glanced her way. "You aren't serious. That was a joke. A hilarious joke because that's ridiculous."

"No. We're not," Clarke stared down at her bound wrists, wiggling them back and forth to keep her mind in the moment. Murphy could tie really good knots, she mused. "We are- We don't feel- We aren't the people we used to be. Those six years... we changed in different ways and those ways don't fit together anymore. Our friendship changed. These things happen. Nobodies fault."

"Changed, huh?" Murphy scoffed. Scoffed disbelievingly, more than once. "So once we got back he didn't immediately threaten to kill a couple hundred people to save you? He didn't poison his sister - his sister who he has always been literally crazy about, one Miss Octavia Blake, may I clarify - because she said she was going to kill you? Wanted to slaughter an entire city over you? Yeah, you're right, actually. Now that I lay it all out like that it sounds like he doesn't care about you anymore. Good point."

"Then I'm who changed. I'm the one who became too different for it to work. I left him in that fighting pit. I never would have done that before."

"He put your kid in danger. That is not different; that is a very on-brand Clark move. Everyone needs to get over the damn fighting pit. It's as predictable as Bellamy dropping all of his responsibilities here and chasing you to Sanctum. The sun shines, the moon rises, and you two idiots act the same. Were mistakes made? Yes. Were they mostly on Bellamy's part? Yup. It's not an excuse, but he got real weird up on the Ring. Maybe he's a little different because he's a little bit trying to be sane again."

"What do you mean, weird?"

"I dunno. Weird. Little things. Lots of things. Some that randomly come to mind was that it took forever to spend time with us. Skipped my whole coma which was hurtful. He'd stay at the window looking at earth almost every waking moment. No one was allowed to say your name, even if it was to say we were stoked you saved us all, or talk about the good ol' days. That one was hard. We were on a ship, alone, for that long, and I may have lost Emori at the end there, but I had her, and Monty had Harper all that time. Echo started trying to get in his pants about... I'd say... six months in. Bellamy didn't even notice her for three years. That's a long time to not notice a pretty girl trying to screw you."

"I don't," Clarke cleared her throat and realized she was flustered. "I don't know why you're using examples like that."

"Examples like what? My point is: yeah, he's a shitshow. That goes without saying. He's Bellamy for starters. On top of that fact, now he's Bellamy who had to spend years getting used to the idea the... good friend of his was dead. It knocked him off his rocker. Now he doesn't know up from down given the fact he'd forced himself to deeply accept to be ok isn't true. As a reluctant Bellamy-and-Clarke expert; you're not over. You're for sure weird right now but you'll figure it out. Give it some time."

"Really, Murphy. Over."

"Sure it is."

"We can never be friends."

"Uh huh."

"I love him." Clarke slapped her hand over her mouth so hard the sound might have made it to wherever everyone else was in the Red Sun bunker. She didn't know why... Red Sun level focus on him... hypnotism... how lonely she'd been... madness... grief... her brain finally melting... None of it was enough to explain why the hell she'd said that. Not only out loud, but out loud to Murphy.

He looked entirely unimpressed and said flatly, "oh wow, really? No way."

"You won't tell? I can't believe I said that. You won't tell anyone?"

Murphy sighed, muttering to himself, "the sun shines and the moon rises..."

"Promise me."

"Of course I won't tell. I said I was the master of secrets, remember? Now that this room is habitable enough for me to hold you hostage in, let's do this." Murphy pulled her up to finish tucking in her corner of the bed and Clarke took in the room. It was like Madi's with the white curtain, new sheets, but with a green blanket and rug. Unlike Madi's there was a little folding stand beside the bed he'd dropped her copy of the Iliad onto, using the space above the dresser it had inhabited to set all the sketches she'd left carelessly out on the table. 

Clarke's face screwed up as she fought to not cry in a very different way than earlier.

"Knock it off," Murphy ordered with true annoyance. "You're going to sleep now. Get in." He held up her covers and half-guided, half-shoved her into them, leaving her bound wrists tied to the bedpost.

"There's no way I'll be able to sleep with-"

"Sure you will. You've had practice focusing on something else. Do it in your head now." Murphy dropped to the ground, sitting with his back against her bedframe. "While I love monologuing and have a literally captive audience, we've got to sleep. I'm officially losing my voice and ability to keep my eyes open and I'm not going to leave you awake like this. So. Go to sleep."

"I can't."

"Not with that attitude. Come on, Miss Badass, you got this. Think of one really-real thing. Focus on that. You'll be fine."

The first thing that came to mind was Bellamy and she shoved that away quickly. That would end badly. Next was Madi but Clarke only saw the bloody version in her minds-eye. Her mom, but begging her to kill herself.

"My, my, what company you keep these days."

Clarke tried to cover her ears but her hands were tied. She rocked, instantly desperate, ripping at them, trying to get free. "Please don't. Please, please, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"You don't look very sorry," Finn said, joining Jasper. Wells stepped behind them, shaking his head in disappointment."It looks like you're best buddies with John Murphy."

"I'm sorry- Murphy has- I'm sorry, I'm sorry-"

Jasper came closer, close enough to almost touch her. "You know, the guy who wanted to kill me for dying too loudly while he was trying to sleep." 

"Clarke! Dammit, Clarke, stop it." Murphy was shaking her and her eyes focused enough to see him past Jasper. "What the hell? You made it all of thirty seconds. And you tore your wrists to shreds while you were at it." He untied her, dragging her out of bed. "You're not ruining my new sheets with this shit. Come here. Focus. I'm going to untie you to wrap up your wrists so I need you to focus especially hard. If I have to tackle you I'm going to be pissed and un-steal all of your pretty new things, got me?" When he untied her Murphy grabbed one of Josephine's shirts and shredded it. As he started on one wrist he asked, "what was that? Why was I being gossiped about?"

"They're... They're who are here right now. Jasper, Finn, and Wells. They're mad we're friends."

"You've got to be kidding me." He tied off the first bandage then flipped off the room at large. "Go float yourselves, assholes." That surprised a smile out of Clarke and Murphy gave her a mischievous smirk. "That showed 'em. They're just jealous I'm the one babysitting you like you're a maniac toddler in our old age." He finished the other wrist and stood. "Alright, we're trying a new strategy since that one failed so spectacularly." Murphy kicked off his boots and climbed onto her bed, sitting in the corner where the walls met. "Come here."

"Uhhh..."

"Just accept how deeply uncomfortable this is for both of us and come here. I can't retie your wrists like that, especially since you're probably going to start freaking out again. Our friendship isn't really at the 'lay on you and pin your hands to the bed' phase so I'm working with what I've got. Let's get this over with. The sooner we're asleep the sooner we can pretend this isn't happening." Hesitantly Clarke moved over to him, setting her back against his chest. "Ugh. Great. Gimme." He held his hands out in front of her and Clarke placed hers in his. He flipped them then pulled her closer, finally latching onto her crossed forearms. "Look, I'm a Clarke straight jacket. Go to sleep. Try to focus on something else."

She tried. She really did. But then Madi, Lexa, and her mom were standing at the foot of the bed.

"Ow, shit," Murphy groaned when her head snapped back and hit his as soon as she started struggling. "You are killing me here." Hauling her closer, he forced his face into the crook of her neck where she couldn't render him unconscious, and he was right next to her ear. "Chill. Hey, listen to me." Murphy hugged her hard from behind, using her arms to keep her still without hurting her wrists. "Ok, trying to get you to do this on your own is pointless. Here we go. Bedtime story it is.

"There once was a jester named John. And for all the jokes he made he was really angry and really sad and really didn't know how to play nicely with others." That got her attention and she immediately stilled. "The Red Sun toxin worked on him just like everyone else. The only reason it didn't drive him crazy was because he's had dark, terrible thoughts in his head he can't control for years, so it was unimpressive by comparison."

"You can feel this?"

"Of course I can feel this. Did you really believe I was magically immune?"

"I mean... The rest of us- What do you see?"

"Like I said, I've built up a tolerance to this sort of thing. You newbies didn't stand a chance; I don't blame you. It sucks. And since you're right here, it's been telling me to kill you the whole time." Clarke stiffened and Murphy said in a bored voice, "Don't be dramatic. You know I'm not going to hurt you. Now, the jester hated the king and princess. They were pretentious and annoying. Eventually he wanted to apologize to the princess, but he didn't know how, because he'd been so wrong for so long, and almost let her die, and is still an idiot who doesn't know what to say or what to do to make it up to her and generally is really, really bad at this type of stuff and it's been lowkey freaking him out all day but the princess deserved it so the jester tried."

Clarke tried to pull away to look at him but Murphy held her still, clearing his throat. 

"Pay attention to the story. One day the king, the princess, the jester, and a bunch of nobody peasants were dropped in some piece of shit new kingdom. The princess started out strong with her need to be the absolutely least fun person ever-"

Murphy told their story like that, as if it was a child's book. Dark parts were glossed over. The Mountain Men were goblins that were vanquished. A.L.I.E was an evil witch that put people under a spell. 

As enraptured as she was, at some point Clarke fell asleep.


	14. Bellamy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Story Note:   
> I need them to start getting to a place of forgiveness!
> 
> Personal Note:  
> Sorry for the delay! I hope you like it and I'm already starting on Clarke. Thank you for being amazing. I'm so thankful for you.

Bellamy spent the entire time in the Red Sun bunker counting down the seconds. When their people began to settle in for sleep he stayed sitting vigil against the door throughout the night. What Murphy revealed consumed him.

They'd survived all they had by putting one foot in front of the other. There was no going back. As the years of just surviving passed, bearing what they'd done to get there weighed on them all more and more. Every step became harder and harder. To keep going Bellamy had learned along the way to compartmentalize. Clarke said he was all heart but she was wrong. She was wrong now, anyways. He still cared about things. He cared so much about certain people. That said, Bellamy knew some of the things he'd done since coming back from the Ring... The things he'd let happen... There were things the old Bellamy would never have allowed. He knew he'd changed up there. He knew how he tucked his feelings away in locked boxes in the back of his mind had become secured in a vault. He didn't touch it, afraid of what would come out when he did. Some escaped accidentally, some heartbreaking moments and some feelings he'd never shake. He knew that the new memories weren't going to leave so easily. Like Clarke's unbreathing body or Madi crying because of him. Like the thought that he could lose her right now, that she might already be dead and it was his fault.

Back against the cold metal, Bellamy carefully skimmed those old and long-hidden moments. He wouldn't pull them out, delve into them, not then and likely not ever. All the same, he browsed. He knew how he felt but that night he allowed himself to fully, actually feel some of it. Bellamy pressed his closed fist against his chest, rubbing, and suddenly Clarke's scratching in the night made sense. It hurt. It felt like physical pain.

Gabriel had explained the science behind the Red Sun to them thoroughly; the shift that triggers the plant life to start releasing the toxin and that it takes roughly a day and a half before the level in the air is enough to infect anything. Bugs went first and acted as an early warning system, and time could be measured from that signal as the toxicity levels were very predictable. Their policy was to wait an extra hour after the toxin should have cleared to be safe, Bellamy pacing in front of the door the whole time, ignoring the others. The moment he could, Bellamy threw open the door and ran at a dead sprint.

When he got to Clark's house something registered as different in the back of his mind but his whole worldview had narrowed to finding her. Not in the kitchen or living area, he rushed to her door and drew short. As desperate as he was for Clarke he stood frozen for a moment trying to process what the hell he was seeing. 

Clarke and Murphy were sitting in the corner of her bed, his arms wrapped tightly around her. Clarke's head had lulled backward, resting on Murphy's shoulder, and Murphy's face was buried in her neck. After a lifetime full of wonder and weirdness, the thought occurred to Bellamy that this was possibly one of the strangest things he'd ever witnessed. It elicited more than confusion. There was a flare of the ache he'd felt all night and a tension he didn't recognize. 

Shaking himself out of it, Bellamy rushed the remaining distance, touching Clarke's thigh gently to wake her. He was standing in front of her and his heart was still pounding out of his chest with fear, worry, and regret. She had to be ok. He had to know she was ok. 

Clarke's eyes fluttered open and she gave him a sleepy half-smile. Bellamy took his first full breath since Murphy closed the cave bunker door behind him. "Bellamy," she sighed with soft happiness.

"Clarke," was all he could choke out, holding out his hands and when she took them without hesitation he pulled her gently out of Murphy's arms to the edge of the bed. Brushing her hair away he held her face between his hands like it was a gift because he felt like it was. "Are you ok?"

She nodded and started to blink away sleep, becoming slowly more aware.

"Thank god." Bellamy slid his hands to the back of her head, dropping his forehead to her hair in utter relief. He would easily admit to the fact he'd been terrified. That sheet... That blood... Hearing she was capable of harming herself... Knowing she was out there alone due to his own thoughtless stupidity... That he had to leave her behind again... None of that left him but now it was tempered with such deep, deep relief. Clarke was there. He was touching her. She was alright.

As he pulled back he knelt to search her face, the last remnants of sleep leaving it, her blue eyes clear as they gazed back at him steadily. Staying close he began to inspect her, eyes falling on the slice along her throat. It wasn't deep but the way it affected him it might as well have been. It pained him. There was dried blood underneath it and Bellamy lowered a hand to remorsefully swipe a thumb under the wound. Murphy said he'd barely stopped her from killing herself that way last time and the shudder that passed through him was strong enough that Clarke reached up to grasp his wrist, her own thumb comforting him in slow sweeps across his pulse point. When his eyes met hers again they held one of their age-old unspoken conversations, Bellamy telling her about all of his fear and regret and Clarke sadly assuring him that she was fine. When he minutely shook his head, not accepting anything about the situation was fine, Clarke placed her other hand on the forearm of where he still held her hair back, insisting. 

"Your wrists," he murmured, sliding his hands to take hers. As he gently spun them to assess the bandages Clarke pulled away to grasp his.

"Bellamy, your hand." She didn't touch any of the split skin or his swollen knuckles but her fingers hovered over it, concerned.

"I'm fine. You're really alright?"

Clarke tentatively nodded and they shared faint, relieved smiles.

"If you two are about done," Murphy drawled, "I'm trapped back here watching this and would really rather not." 

With huffed laughter Bellamy got up, pulling Clark to her feet with him so Murphy could clamber out of the bed. It was then that Bellamy noticed the horrific bedsheet was gone. The whole room was different, actually. He took in the curtains. "Thank you, Murphy. I owe you." He meant for much more than the curtains.

Murphy snorted as he yanked on his boots. "Yeah, yeah, whatever. Hey, if people mention stuff is missing, I took it and I'm not giving it back. So. You might have to deal with that."

"Did you-" Bellamy gestured around the room at all of the changes, getting momentarily distracted when his eyes caught on their copy of the Iliad near her bedside.

"I was nesting." Standing, Murphy set his hand on top of Clarke's head. "All good, little princess?"

She shoved it off and tried unsuccessfully to glare at him. "I'm fine, jester. Thanks for the company in Red Sun crazy town. And the housewarming gift."

"It was absolutely not a pleasure and we should never do it again."

Bellamy was taken aback by Clarke's easy laugh and the friendly look they shared. What the hell happened out there? He also didn't realize he'd subconsciously expected Clarke to hang back with him until he felt a bit dismissed when she followed Murphy out of her bedroom without giving him a second glance. 

Trailing them, Bellamy took the time to actually look around and appreciate the changes. Again, curtains, which he truly owed Murphy for. A large woven rug of mottled green, Clarke's favorite color. Knickknacks on the mantle: a blue vase of crudely melted and reformed plastic and a little bent metal sun. It all made her home so... homey. Murphy had done that for her?

"John," Emori breathed in relief, letting herself in through the front door that Bellamy only now realized he'd left open in his rush to find Clarke. She and Murphy hugged hard and it never stopped striking him that out of all of them Murphy would be that in love. "I was worried."

"About us?" Murphy asked with an arched brow, clearly judging that statement.

"Of course not, you fool. I was worried what was going to happen to the rest of us without either of our resident cockroaches around if something went wrong," Emori teased, shoving him. "Clarke. I'm glad but unsurprised," she glanced at Murphy, "that you're alright." Emori hugged Clarke as well, and while Clarke seemed unsure at first, Murphy cocked his head and she began hugging her back.

"Thank you. The Run Sun was nothing but this guy," Clarke shook her head. "I don't know how you do it."

"I take it one day at a time. I also see he decorated; I'm sorry. The rug gives it away."

While Murphy gave an indignant "Hey!" Clarke said, "Much better than anything I could do. The 'nesting' makes up for having to babysit him the whole time." Clarke and Murphy shared a mischievous glance that Bellamy would pay good money to understand.

"Everybody ok in there?" Echo called from outside. Emori and Murphy went out to meet her and Bellamy used the excuse to touch Clarke, once more confirming she was there and safe, putting his hand on her back as they moved, guiding her to exit first and letting go so he could shut the door behind them.

"We're swell. How did you guys do?"

"One of the men ended up hyperventilating. The Red Sun cave bunker was too much like..." Miller trailed off. "He's going to be fine; Jackson took him to the infirmary anyway to be safe. Other than that, nothing exciting to report. Our first Red Sun went exactly as planned."

"I wouldn't say exactly," Bellamy clarified, letting himself briefly touch Clarke's back once more. She was there. She was safe.

"In your defense," Murphy said, "to make a plan Clarke-proof would take-"

"Help!" The words were distant but carried in the quiet. "Help!"

They all shared a glance and took off running towards the sound.

"Somebody help!"

When they skidded around the last corner five Eligius prisoners were there, head-to-toe in blood, RJ in the process of shouting another desperate, "Help!" as he staggered forward.

"Oh my god," Bellamy heard Clarke gasp before they closed the remaining distance, the rest of them close behind. "Diyoza, RJ, what-"

"We had gas masks for the Red Sun," RJ panted, every muscle straining as he carried Diyoza closer. "Some of the guys didn't put them on in time or did it wrong or something. Please help her." Bellamy helped catch Diyoza's weight as RJ stumbled. "She's hurt and I'm pretty sure she's in labor. I didn't know what to do but bring her to you."

"You did great. You three," Clarke pointed at the others, who weren't fairing any better. One man with his face slashed so deep Bellamy was surprised to not see bone, was carrying another in a fireman's hold, the third using his arm to stabilize himself as he walked on a broken leg. "sit. You've made it. You all," she jerked her head towards their friends. "Stretchers. Jackson. Bellamy." 

As the others took off Bellamy nodded and went to help the man holding them all up. He hauled down the one from his shoulders and flinched. That guy might not make it. Bellamy then supported the man with the broken leg as he sat. The one who had carried them both was already flat on his back by then, unconscious now that he'd gotten his charges to safety. 

By the time Bellamy rushed back to Clarke she was kneeling by a groaning Diyoza who'd been set down, her upper body supported by RJ. 

"A C-section isn't as simple as slicing your stomach open." Clarke was explaining as she cut away sections of Diyoza's jumpsuit. "There are internal organs in the way. Not to mention in this unsterile of an environment you'd definitely die and your baby might too. I don't think the stab wound to your side hit your daughter and I'm not going to kill you both to find out. She's going to be fine, you're going to be fine, and unless something goes wrong - well, more wrong - we're doing this the old fashioned way."

"Yes ma'am," Diyoza said with a smirk, face dripping in sweat and blood. She glanced at Bellamy, "Bossy little thing, isn't she?"

"You have no idea," Bellamy joked through the tension, earning himself an annoyed but mostly amused side-eye from Clarke as she worked. 

Diyoza gave a moan and braced herself suddenly, causing Bellamy and RJ to share a nervous look, and Clarke nodded as she examined her. "You got her here barely in time. We're doing this and it's happening now. Diyoza, I know it's hard but don't push until I tell you to push, alright? Your body is going to want to do it but wait until I tell you." Clarke ripped the cloth from Diyoza's jumpsuit and handed it to him. "Hold this to her wound. Mid right side. Regular firm pressure right now, when she has a contraction harder, and when she's pushing I want you to use as much pressure as you can. Put your weight into it."

"Got it. What else?"

"You the prayin' type?" Diyoza chuckled breathlessly before another contraction hit.

"Hold her hand. It's gonna hurt like hell for you, but it's worse for her so suck it up." Clarke flashed him a grin. Bellamy nodded, taking Diyoza's hand with the one not pressing on her wound, RJ taking the other and bracing her, Clarke delivering a baby in the middle of a dirt road calm as could be.

Bellamy had seen his mom give birth to Octavia in their room. He'd been young and it had been frightening as hell. Now, as a man, there was still an element of fear as badass Diyoza gritted her teeth to get through it but his feelings leaned more towards respect, and weirdly, pride. She was doing it. He joined Clarke and RJ in encouraging her. Then there was the final push, Diyoza falling back and... silence.

"Why isn't she crying?" Diyoza struggled back up, RJ helping. "Clarke?"

Bellamy watched with sorrow as Clarke tried to revive the baby that was already quickly tinging blue. Long, long seconds passed as Clarke became more frantic, tears beginning to trail down her cheeks, refusing to give up though Bellamy began to suspect it was past time to. 

Then she screamed. The newborn wailed and kicked, turning pink, and Clarke started full out crying as she laughed in relief. She held the baby in her arms and tilted her so they could all see her tiny, wrinkled face.

"Diyoza, we're still not done. Bellamy," Clarke held the baby towards him and with the utmost care he took her in the arm not currently pressing cloth on her mother's knife wound. Bellamy held her while Clarke cut the cord and went about wiping the baby off as best as she could. He was sure his face resembled Clarke's as they looked at one another over the child: eyes wet, beaming and awed. Bellamy knew the baby was premature but he felt like it was preposterous for anything to be that fragile and sweet. When she turned away to finish treating Diyoza, like Clarke, he cautiously leaned his hold so Diyoza could see her daughter. The most frightening woman in the world put out her finger for her baby's hand to close around and cried in happiness.

They got to enjoy that moment for all of a minute before RJ tumbled back from where he'd been holding Diyoza up. In the time it took for Bellamy and Diyoza to share a startled glance Clarke was already up and assessing him. 

Both hands full, Bellamy could only watch as Clarke checked RJ's pupil response, head, throat, and began checking his body for injuries. With a grunt of effort due to his size she flipped him on the side to check there and-

"I thought you said you have all of the guns secure."

"I do," Bellamy said, mind going back to the moment their community landed en masse and he had every gun accounted for and removed from the population. There were too few people left. They could all still kill each other but he wasn't going to make it easy. There was no way-

"You missed one. He's been shot in the back. No exit wound. I think I- Hey!" Clarke called out to Miller and Echo who were returning with a stretcher after transporting the other Eligius prisoners while Diyoza gave birth. "Help me get him up. Bellamy, stay with Diyoza and the baby. Murphy and Emori will be back with the other stretcher soon. Come on," she urged and the three got RJ loaded onto the stretcher and began running ahead to prep for his arrival.

"Would you get ahold of her," Diyoza clicked her tongue as they watched Clarke's retreating back. "That's one hell of a woman you've got there."

"You have no idea," Bellamy repeated with a suppressed smile. He and Diyoza exchanged looks then as one turned their attention to the little girl still in his arms. "Do you know what you're going to name her?"

"Hope." Diyoza played with her newborn's tiny hand then chuckled under her breath. "Hope Blake Diyoza."

Bellamy used the distraction of seeing Murphy and Emori approaching to give himself a second before responding. "I'm flattered, but Clarke is-"

"Yeah, yeah, of course. But 'Hope Clarke' just doesn't sound right, does it? Plus, it's not like her last name is going to be 'Griffin' forever." She was sporting another smirk when Bellamy frowned at that. 

Before he could say anything further Murphy and Emori were helping her onto the stretcher and Bellamy carried the baby - Hope Blake Diyoza - as they all headed to Jackson's medical tent. They ended up having to leave Diyoza and Hope sitting outside, which fortunately she couldn't care less about, finally taking her child into her arms now that she was safely sitting up on her own. Inside Jackson and Clarke were working literally back-to-back as they each performed surgery in the small space. On one side Jackson and Nyla were trying to save the man who'd been carried, Clarke slicing into RJ on the other.

Bellamy joined Clarke. "How can I help?"

She gave him clipped orders and Bellamy followed them quickly. Sooner than he would have expected he was washing his hands in the water Miller poured for him, waiting near the entry for Clarke to finish stitching RJ up. When she was done she drew near and he poured water for her in turn.

"We're building the medical center before houses."

"We're building the medical center before houses," Clarke confirmed with a sigh. She turned to stand beside him, both of them watching Jackson begin checking Diyoza outside, the other man and RJ laying in recovery. "It might slow our trajectory quite a bit but we have to. We also need to start medical classes."

"We'll use the mess hall between meals."

"Good idea." She gave another weary sigh and Bellamy saw past her being safe. She seemed tired. She looked so, so tired. "I'll pull out the plans and see what we can do about-"

"Why don't you get some rest? That can wait for later."

"No, it can't. We need to-"

"You need to take care of yourself. If you're worried, I'll do it. Tell me whatever you want to get done and I'll handle it. Just rest, please."

Clarke pulled her lips into her mouth a little, a sure sign she was debating how much to say.

"Clarke, please." Bellamy laid his hand wide on her back again. She was there. She was safe. She needed his help. "Anything. Tell me what you need and I'll take care of it."

"You know..." Clarke rolled her lips in once more, staring into the tent rather than meeting his eye. "You know I can't sleep for long. It's pointless. I'll still be tired when I get back up. I might as well get things done instead."

"The," Bellamy stepped closer so he could say as quietly as possible, "nightmares haven't stopped? They aren't any better?"

"Of course they aren't any better." How she said it might have sounded hostile to anyone who didn't know Clarke. All he heard was sadness and exhaustion.

Bellamy nodded. "Give me a minute." He jogged over to Miller and they spoke lowly, Miller glancing Clarke's way several times as he gave him instructions. Miller agreed readily and clapped his hand on Bellamy's arm. Bellamy turned back to see Clarke watching them with open curiosity and he gave her a twisted grin. Returning to her, he put his hand once more on her back and guided her away, Clarke reluctantly letting him lead her.

"Where are we going?"

"We're going to get you some sleep."

"Really, there's no point. The only times I've-" Clarke's eyes got wider. "Bellamy, you can't be serious. There is no way it's a good idea for you to-"

"Read you some more of the Iliad? How far ahead did you get? I'll start wherever you want." He gave her a look out of the corner of his eye and Clarke did the same. He knew what she'd assumed he meant.

"I haven't read anything since Sanctum."

"I saw it by your bedside. I thought-"

"Murphy put it there. He put my drawings on the top of my dresser and it was in the way."

"That's where they went. I meant to tell you sooner, but Clarke, your artwork-"

"Don't, it's only-"

"Really. It's beautiful. I loved it, all of it." Bellamy began rubbing his hand up and down her back as they walked, mindlessly preemptively apologizing. "I may have even stolen some of it and put it up in my house. I limited it to two but it was hard."

He was happy that after his confession instead of being angry Clarke gave a small disbelieving laugh. "You did?

"Of course I did. I took one of Octavia," he shot her a truly contrite look, knowing the other was a major offense, "the other was of Monty and Jasper. When we were back at the dropship. Are you alright?" While he'd spoken Clarke had stumbled a little. 

"I'm fine."

"You really aren't mad?" Bellamy took a few quick steps to get to her front door first, opening it easily with a cringe. He hadn't thought to ask her to lock it earlier.

"No, I'm... I'm glad." Bellamy saw she meant it, barely holding back a full smile. "Madi and I have seen them all so many times they're burned into our minds, and as much as it drives me crazy she's too old for bedtime stories anymore. It's... nice someone else enjoys them. It's glad you like them."

"I do, and now that I know that I'm allowed to take some I have a few on my wish list," Bellamy picked up one of her chairs and carried it with them, "we could hang up some in here too. If you want. I'll bring some nails and help you put them up."

"There are so many I don't know which to choose. You can have whatever you want."

"I'm going to take you up on that," Bellamy cautioned as he settled in the chair he'd placed by the bedside. Clarke sat, pulling off her shoes, suddenly seeming uncharacteristically awkward. "Start with your best memories. Pull out whatever makes you happiest and we'll put them up." She nodded at that and slid between her clean sheets and thick blanket, courtesy of Murphy. Bellamy needed to talk to him about that. Speaking of things he needed to talk about- "Clarke, there's something I need to tell you. Will you put your head on your pillow? You'll never fall asleep sitting up like that. While you were away," Bellamy scratched at the back of his neck, "Edzun got in Madi's face." She sat straight back up and Bellamy put out his hands to slow her as she immediately started getting out of bed. "It's handled. I handled it then and there, I had him punished for it after, and all of our people know. Madi hasn't been alone since. I'm telling you because I know you'd want to know and to ask you to start locking your damn door. He knows better than to try anything but if someone came in while you guys aren't here... What is it with not locking your door, anyway?"

Clarke's jaw was hard. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"This is the first chance I've gotten. I wanted to tell you right away. I promise you, I don't take Madi's safety lightly. I'm not going to let anything happen to her." Clarke searched his face and Bellamy hoped she'd see his fervent dedication. When she slowly nodded and laid back he was more than relieved; he was grateful. Whatever was going on between them he was grateful she still trusted him enough to know he'd do anything to keep them safe. "Seriously though, the locks. What is the problem?"

"I honestly don't think about it. The last time I had to lock a door was on the Ark. I spent six years without it crossing my mind. I remember when Madi's home but otherwise I'm not worried about it."

"I am. Please lock your door." He waited until she gave a little nod before flipping open the book, skimming to where they'd left off. "Alright. Please try to sleep." Bellamy leaned back in the chair, clearing his throat."'Hateful to me as the gates of Hades is that man who hides one thing in his heart and speaks another-'”

Bellamy read for nearly an hour, checking Clarke every now and then to see if she was still awake. She'd been watching him intently for most of it and it had once again been nice for someone to take a sincere interest in one of his favorite books, but he was glad when he saw her eyelids begin to grow heavy and finally shut. He kept reading to her for a while after she seemed asleep, still taking time to observe her now and then. Also because he was glad to be doing it, but mostly for her sake, of course, he told himself. When there was the noise of someone entering and calling her name, Murphy appearing in her room doorway, Bellamy shushed him. 

Murphy glanced between them and Bellamy was taken aback by how he immediately softened, silently tilting his head in acknowledgment that he wouldn't wake Clarke. Again Bellamy wondered what the hell had gone on during the Red Sun. When Murphy took off Bellamy put down the book, determined to find out. He left, locking the door behind him, and hurried to catch up with Murphy as the man crossed the road.

"Murphy, hold up."

"Ah, Bellamy," Murphy greeted dryly, entering his house and letting Bellamy follow him in. "I had a feeling you'd be coming to grill me sooner rather than later."

Not bothering to deny it, Bellamy propped his back against the wall. "What happened out here?"

"We had sex."

Bellamy choked on nothing. "What?"

"Clarke and I had so, so much sex. Like, really. All the sex. Emori was kinda bummed when I first told her but then realized it meant she had an all-clear to go after Clarke herself so now we're cool. Emori and I are good, and Clarke is gorgeous and dynamite in the sack, so it's rude to deny one another the pleasure of-"

"Shut up, Murphy," Bellamy warned darkly.

Murphy shrugged. "Don't ask stupid questions and I won't have to say anything at all."

"Really. What happened?"

"We survived another Red Sun. Let's count that as a miracle and leave it alone, shall we?"

"That cut on her neck..."

Murphy's expression shadowed, then he cleared it, shaking his head. "She tripped," he said with thick sarcasm. "I'm not doing this with you. Talk to Clarke."

"We both know she'll downplay what happened. I'm only asking because I'm-"

"That's not my problem. Talk to Clarke."

Emori came in balancing three plates and smiled upon seeing Bellamy. "Hey, I didn't know you'd be here or I would have grabbed your lunch too."

"He was leaving. I was just telling him about all of the hot sex I had with Clarke during the Red Sun."

Emori blinked once and then casually nodded. "Right. The hot sex. Which I was upset about, naturally, but fortunately it means Clarke's fair game and I can finally make my move on her."

"Exactly," Murphy said with a broad grin, running an affectionate hand down Emori's back as she bent to put the plates down, kissing her when she straightened. 

Shaking his head Bellamy pushed off the wall. "Fine, don't tell me."

"Is that so unbelievable?" Emori asked innocently, taking a seat. "Clarke's a woman with needs after all. She's been alone for years, then fighting for her life - again- and now she's finally gotten a moment to get her bearings. John's not much but he's something."

"Emori, please. You know I get shy when you brag about me like that in front of people."

While Emori was chuckling Bellamy waved goodbye and left without another word, disgusted and annoyed. He'd gotten his 'bearings' after finding out Clarke was alright, dealing with the Eligius medical situation, getting her to rest, and now he finally had a moment to think about the Red Sun once again. He needed to know what happened. What Murphy said about the last time before he left the bunker and that cut on her neck... There were a lot of hurts between them that Bellamy still thought it was best not to get into, but that bloody sheet was not one of them. 

In the meantime, Bellamy checked in with Miller to tell him he was back on the clock and he spent the afternoon playing catchup. It seemed like both five minutes and two weeks later when Bellamy called it quits for the day upon seeing Madi walking by with Indra. Bellamy caught up with them and subtly relieved Indra of Madi-duty, glad when the girl said she wanted to get Clarke's dinner and that they could take it to her. Walking together they chatted about their days and what was going on with their people. Madi had been deep in the cavern during the Red Sun calming them and dealing with any petty problems that came up as everyone found where to rest. He'd been careful to not make her aware of the fact Clarke was missing. Madi had enough on her small shoulders.

Madi frowned finding the door locked and had to knock on it, unfamiliar with having to carry a key. Bellamy tried not to visibly grimace. The two of them and the damn door were going to drive him crazy. Clarke answered and beamed upon seeing Madi, nearly knocking the girl's food out of her hands hugging her so hard. Bellamy caught her eye over Madi's head, shaking it so Clarke knew that Madi wasn't aware she'd been gone and Clarke mouthed 'thank you' before letting them both in.

As they went to set up their plates Bellamy spotted her art was out again. "Are you picking out which to put up?"

Clarke grabbed the stack and walked back to her room, shaking her head. "I will another time. It's not- Now's not the right time." She came back empty-handed and wouldn't meet his eyes which concerned him.

Throughout the meal, she concerned him more and more. Things started out a little hesitant on her part and while he and Madi had a nice meal together, Clarke picked at her food and only got involved in the conversation when prompted by Madi. She became more and more removed as the night went on. After a while, Madi noticed her forced behavior as well and cast Bellamy glances when Clarke was turned away. He nodded, silently promising to take care of it and not to worry.

When it came time for Madi to sleep, the hug she gave Clarke was especially hard. "Ai hod yu in, Clarke."

"Ai hod yu in too, my little Natblida." As Clarke said she loved her daughter, Bellamy could hear again how deeply it ran and Madi did too, her whole body relaxing. He wondered what that must be like, what the two of them had. Knowing someone loved you so much that whatever troubled you could lessen at nothing but those words, knowing everything would be alright because you were that loved by someone that strong. "Sleep well. I'll see you in the morning."

As soon as Madi went to her room Clarke stood and began gathering their plates. Bellamy caught her hand when she reached for his. "Don't. Leave it all; I'll take it with me when I go. Where you able to rest for long?" he asked, looking at her chest to see if there were any new marks. He realized her shirt reached to her collarbone and frowned quizzically. "Where did you get that? That's new."

Clarke pulled away and moved toward the fire, Bellamy following. "Gabriel let me take some clothes."

"Did you need more? You could have gotten them here."

"With what?"

"What are you talking about?"

Clarke dropped into one of the chairs he'd ordered for her before she arrived, padded with mattress from the Eligius crew quarters and covered in soft pelt. He joined her, taking the other, the scene playing out how he'd imagined when he'd thought to have them made. Of course, he'd thought they'd be running things together by then and would be discussing their daily business but he'd happily take this moment as another step in the direction of things shifting towards how they ought to be. He'd happily take this moment at all, actually, with the way things had been between them.

"It doesn't matter. I needed clothes, I got them."

Bellamy watched her face outlined by the fire, refusing to look at him, and it was exactly like the night she told him their friendship was over. He knew it couldn't be true. Their day thus far had proven it wasn't true. Whatever was wrong between them was fixable. However, over the course of dinner he'd felt her begin to pull away again. He didn't know what was happening so he didn't know how to stop it. The last thing he wanted to do was ruin their first friendly day together since who knew when but Bellamy had to think longterm. If she cut him off again without him understanding what was going through her head he might never get another chance. Forgiveness had never been easy for either of them with anyone but each other.

"I think it does. Why didn't you think you could get them here? You can have whatever you want in Wonkru. Please tell me you know that." Clarke faintly hummed so Bellamy pressed his point. "I mean it. All you have to do is ask and you can have anything you want. Anything. All you have to do is say the word."

Clarke stayed transfixed by the fire but still responded. "I think you should go."

It felt like the balloon of hope that had swelled all day popped. "Why?"

"There isn't... There's no point. I thought after Murphy... But I can't do this with you."

"Can't do what with me? Hold a conversation? Clarke, please look at me." She stayed fixated on the fire and Bellamy ran frustrated hands through his hair. "I'll go if you want me to go but please tell me why. Please look at me."

She didn't and Bellamy got up to kneel in front of her like he had the other night. All he could hope was that this time would turn out better. He'd never give up on making things right but the fewer nights like her saying she didn't trust him anymore the better. It had felt like a part of him died when she said those words. Bellamy did his best to brace himself just in case. He knew he'd deeply hurt her and he understood why they couldn't go back to normal with one apology, and he'd meant it before. If he had to apologize every day to her for twenty years he'd do it because she was worth that much to him. Clarke was a part of him. He'd do whatever it took to get her back.

"Clarke," he murmured, putting his hand on her outer thigh to get her attention, the same place he'd first touched her that morning to confirm she was alive. He thought of her soft happy smile seeing him when she first woke up and then hated himself for it. This was hard enough as it was; he didn't need to make it worse. "Clarke, please look at me. I am literally on my knees, begging you to look at me."

She did, slowly, and Bellamy saw with no small pain the beginnings of the numbness that had plagued him as it began to take her over. He had to act fast.

"Please give me a chance. I'll make this right, just give me the chance. I'm so sorry."

"I don't need your pity, Bellamy," Clarke said, voice flat. 

Bellamy's head snapped back as if she'd slapped him. "My pity? My- You think that's what this is?" Clarke didn't respond so he tightened his grip, desperate to keep her tethered to feeling anything a little longer. Long enough to hear him and how much he meant what he was saying. 

"Clarke, never once have I pitied you. I can't even imagine it. You're smart and you're strong and so damn brave it's legitimately a problem. I've never said anything to you out of pity, let alone ask you to forgive me. I'm not even asking out of guilt, though I do feel guilty. I'm trying this hard because I care about you, more than you know. Because I am. I'm so sorry. I left you alone when I want to be right here. I left you feeling sad when all I want is for you to be happy. You deserve happiness. I don't know how to convince you to believe me, I don't know how to make this better, but I'm never going to stop trying. I’m sorry I lost your trust, and I’ll earn that back however you need me to, but for the sake of when you did trust me please believe this: I don't want you in my life out of pity or guilt. I want you for you. Tell me how to show you that and I will. I know I'm not doing any of this right and I'm sorry for that too, I'm not- Clarke," Bellamy cut himself off abruptly. He immediately began digging through his pockets for the tissues he'd begun carrying around.

"It's fine," she told him woodenly, wiping away the smudge of blood with the back of her hand. "I think you should go."

"It's not fine. You're still having symptoms? Is that how your sheet-"

"Bellamy, please."

"I can't go when I know something is wrong with you. Is this from the Red Sun? Did you-"

Clarke finally had enough and stood, hurriedly stepping away when doing so brought her legs against his chest as he'd been so near. "I'll get you those plates."

"Clarke," Bellamy groaned. "Talk to me, dammit. Please. I don't want to piss you off even worse but I can't leave you alone without knowing you're-"

"You."

"What?"

"You're what's wrong. It's happening because you're here."

"You can't... You can't be serious." Looking at her he knew she meant it and his confusion was only overshadowed by the fact he felt like he was dying inside. "How? How is that possible? Why is that happening?"

"You're the trigger for it," she wiped her nose again and he saw more had trickled out. "I need you to leave. Now. Before it gets worse."

"I don't understand. Tell me how to help-"

"You can help by leaving. It was stupid of me to let you in here. Things can't be like they were before. We both need to accept that and move on."

"Move on? Clarke, what is happening with you? I don't understand how-"

"You don't need to. Get out."

A little more blood appeared and as badly as Bellamy wanted to stay he grabbed their dishes and left. If what she said was true - and he could see she believed it - he couldn't risk making her worse no matter what he wanted. Clarke didn't say goodbye and was returning to her seat by the fire when he left, locking the door and closing it behind him. He spent his walk to the mess hall trying to make sense of it, dropped off their plates, and then spent his walk back beating himself up. He never stopped finding new ways to hurt her. He didn't understand this one yet but he'd get to the bottom of it. Bellamy was going to fix it. Whatever it took he was going to fix everything so she could have a nice, safe, happy life. He had meant that from the bottom of his heart. She deserved happiness.

Walking by her house he was grateful for the curtains but regretful he couldn't see if she was alright inside.

"Hey," Echo greeted when he entered their home. Taking him in she asked, "bad day?"

Bellamy nodded and went into their room to begin pulling off his clothes.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

He got into their bed and faced the wall, hoping for sleep but already knowing it would probably allude him for the second night in a row, spending all of that time thinking about Clarke instead. 

"No."


	15. Clarke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> STORY NOTE:
> 
> I've had some Echo questions and for those who've wondered, yes, this has all been building up to some serious 'friction' between characters. We'll start to see it soon. Also, if anyone has any ideas on how to believably redeem Raven I'm all ears. What I've got is a bit of a stretch. Thank you!
> 
> PERSONAL NOTE:
> 
> Hi guys! I'm so happy to finally have something to post. I watched the new season and lost my way on this but I think I'm back in the groove. I've seriously been walking around on cloud nine thanks to you guys and your support. I'm so happy I get to share this story with you. I appreciate you all and I hope you're having a lovely day/evening/life.

"You."

"What?"

"You're what's wrong. It's happening because you're here."

Bellamy looked mortally wounded. Clarke wanted to take it back, say it wasn't true, ease the look of devastation he wore. She kept it all in; this was hard enough as it was. Wavering would only make it worse. Clarke knew what was best for both of them and would do what it took to get them there no matter how much she hated it. She felt the tickle of more blood leaving her and swiped it away. "You're the trigger for it. I need you to leave. Now. Before it gets worse."

"I don't understand. Tell me how to help-"

Clarke gritted her jaw and it took everything she had but she pushed Bellamy away again with a hard, "you can help by leaving. It was stupid of me to let you in here. Things can't be like they were before. We both need to accept that and move on."

"Move on? Clarke, what is happening with you? I don't understand how-"

"You don't need to. Get out."

She knew him too well. That was part of the problem, she reflected as he gathered up their things and left without another word. He was who he was and it had been inevitable she'd fall in love with him. The only shock was that it took so long to define her strong feelings as more than friendly. Bellamy clearly wanted to stay as much - if not more - than she wanted him to. Yet hearing her say his presence was making her ill was enough to make him leave. Over the years he'd done plenty that hurt her but he'd never once done it intentionally. No matter what was between them she knew he never would. She knew him too. Damn. Well.

Returning to her seat Clarke cursed to herself, dropping the back of her head hard against the soft padding. She squeezed her eyes tight, wishing she could take back the day. It had all been such a mistake.

What Murphy had told her the night before had changed her feelings toward Bellamy more than she realized until she saw him. As revealing as what he'd said about the Ring had been, the biggest impact had been his story. Murphy didn't know the secret complex and gritty details between them. He knew the big picture; the acts he'd witnessed and the ones he'd heard about. In them, the king and the princess were an unstoppable team when together and made their biggest mistakes when apart. In his story, it was subtly clear how much the king and the princess were indivisible and there was nothing that could stop them. Murphy sounded annoyed enough by that to make it feel real.

She'd fallen asleep listening to their tale and when she woke up he was there. Bellamy was standing over her, looking so concerned, and her first thought had been 'I love you.' She'd instinctively shut that down even while barely awake. At the edge of her bed, they'd shared a moment that made her ache, in a good way. He cared. There was no question. He'd been pained she'd was hurt, his touch had been so gentle and it was clear how much it had killed him to leave her behind. His callused fingers still brought goosebumps to her skin but it was his heartfelt care that meant everything to her.

The feeling didn't lessen as he pulled her from her bed, setting his hand on her in the living room as if checking if she was really beside him. When they'd gotten to Diyoza things had been exactly like they used to be. Bellamy jumped in, willing to do whatever she needed and she'd felt that age-old trust that together they'd handle this and any other obstacles that came. It had lent to her calm as she delivered a baby for the first time; not that any of them needed to know that. They shared a moment of pure wordless elation about how they felt as Bellamy held Hope. Afterward, he'd noticed how tired she was, the Red Sun taking so much out of her she hadn't even dreamt the night before, and he had insisted on her resting. He'd read to her, like Sanctum, his voice soothingly deep and his presence a comfort as he stayed beside her.

When she'd woken up to find him gone it didn't put a dent in her new perspective. Bellamy cared. Bellamy didn't hate her. They both might have screwed up, royally, but he did care. She hadn't lost him. She knew there was never a chance that they'd be more than what they were now, but since the beginning, it had always been the two of them in some way or another. They could chalk this up as 'another.' She hadn't ruined every single thing.

Her plans didn't change with her new revelation, but Clarke felt like she finally wasn't so completely alone and so utterly irredeemable.

For hours she'd breathed a little easier until she'd decided to pick a few photos to put on the wall. She knew Madi would love it and Clarke was glad Bellamy had liked them so much. The idea of other people coming in and seeing it all - the highlights of their history showcased lovingly - and that they might like it too was a tentatively proud thought. So she'd pulled down the journals and loose pages from where Murphy had set them and began searching for what she'd like most to share.

It had been an awful idea. 

Page upon page was of death and pain. Images portraying happy memories only led her mind to what followed them. Their home in Shadow Valley was the backdrop of where McCreary had set up camp and Clarke had betrayed her people. The tower of Polis reminded her of Lexa, but also of when Bellamy tried to save her and she'd betrayed him by staying. Arkadia made her think about killing Finn outside the gates and the way Raven screamed. The dropship became surrounded by flames as she stared at it. In them were the charred bones she had thought were Bellamy and Finn's after she'd closed the dropship door, leaving them to die. Even looking at a smiling Madi, she heard the way she'd shrieked when Clarke had shocked her with an Eligius collar. 

There was nothing. There was nowhere she'd ever been, nothing she'd ever touched, that she'd left without blood on it. That was all she had. She couldn't find something good because that wasn't who she was. There wasn't a fragment of her past she hadn't found a way to ruin. That was who she was.

Clarke's breathing had begun to grow quick and short by the time there was a knock. It startled her out of the dark fixation she'd lost herself in, realizing with a blink that the light through the curtains had grown dark. When she opened the door to find Madi there Clarke hugged her hard, wishing things were different. She wished she was a different person who had done different things and could give her daughter a different, better life. But she wasn't. 

Making things worse, over Madi's head Bellamy stood at her doorstep, seeming so at ease near her as if she hadn't nearly caused his death more times than she could count. He motioned with his head and Clarke knew what he meant. How long had they been that way? With a glance or a gesture, they could communicate more clearly than when they spoke. How had they gone from being people they could understand so effortlessly to who they were now?

When Bellamy came in and mentioned the drawings it had been like a gut punch reminding her he'd seen them. Bellamy had been there for many of her darkest moments and had managed to look the other way. Now, in a time of peace... Seeing what she'd done... He might be trying to make her feel better but nothing could convince her he could overlook it all. There were so many things that were unforgivable and Bellamy, who'd forced himself to forgive her time and again, didn't need reminders.

During dinner, Clarke's mind kept slipping to those thoughts. She kept wishing she could go back and change the past and hating herself knowing that if she did there was little she'd do differently. There were better ways to keep everyone alive, she just still couldn't think of any. Surely anyone with the right morals and the right kind of soul could have done better. She couldn't see how and that was her failing.

Once Bellamy was gone and she was once more alone, Clarke tried unsuccessfully to think of anything but their conversation. She replayed the words he'd said a million times every second, wishing she'd never heard it while also wishing to have them tattooed so she'd never forget he'd said them. "Clarke, never once have I pitied you. I can't even imagine it. You're smart and you're strong and so damn brave it's legitimately a problem... I care about you, more than you know... You deserve happiness... I want you for you..."

She wiped her eyes and demanded herself to get it together. She'd survived another Red Sun, delivered a child, and performed surgery in an understocked open-air tent. After all the weeks she'd felt heartbroken that Bellamy hated her, today she had come to realize that fact wasn't entirely true. While those things were nice, all of it had made her lose focus on what ultimately mattered.

What mattered - what was really real - was that Gabriel's treatments were working. She was getting stronger; strong enough to fix Wonkru for Madi and leave for them all. Only a week earlier if she'd heard Bellamy saying something like he had tonight she'd be half dead. There was still some bleeding, and the dinner in her stomach was precarious from how swiftly the room was spinning, but she was going to be alright. Unlike so many people she'd known and loved and killed, she was going to be fine. That thought was what put her over the edge and in her rush, she barely made it through her front door to the bush near the entrance to retch.

"Clarke?"

She closed her eyes and wished for death the umpteenth time. "I'm fine."

"I think we have different definitions of 'fine,'" Miller said as he held out a hand to help her up. "For example, I'm not throwing up so I'm fine. You? Not so much. Let's get you inside."

"Really. I'm honestly-"

"Jackson's been giving me medic training and this is my first chance to practice without him hovering." Clarke made a half-hearted huff of amusement as they moved inside, Miller letting himself right in. "So. Are you breathing?"

She laughed softly with some sincerity that time. "Yes, I think so."

"Great. I'm pretty sure that's a good sign." He sighed when Clarke broke away to go sit by the fire rather than the kitchen table he'd been trying to get her to, but he followed her all the same. Taking the other seat he gave off every sign of relaxation but she knew he was watching her like a hawk. Given that, she was mindful to not let her eyes cross from the continued dizziness. "So now that we've established you're breathing, are all of your limbs attached?"

"I'm fine. Really."

"Uh huh. Have you been shot recently?"

That got her to truly chuckle. When she glanced his way it was to see he was already giving her a cheeky smile back. "No, I have not been shot. All my limbs are accounted for. My airways are clear, I haven't been hit on the head. I appreciate the concern but I'm ok. Dinner didn't agree with me, that's all."

He stared at her intently, pursed his lips, and then nodded. "Whatever you say. It doesn't make any sense because we all ate the same helping of rations that we've all been having every day, but that's alright. I'm not the medical professional here, yet. What I am is an old friend who is-." Clarke involuntarily twitched a fraction of an inch and Miller narrowed his eyes. "You know that." When Clarke didn't respond immediately he leaned forward. "Clarke, you do know that." It wasn't a question.

"Yeah. Yeah, of course I do." He'd been in the gorge. She'd almost gotten him killed. Jackson killed. Bellamy and Octavia and Indra and-

"Clarke."

She snapped out of it, shaking her head to clear away enough cobwebs to see Miller through them. "Sorry; zoned out for a second there."

"I think we should seriously take you to Jackson. I thought this was... But we need to get you checked out. Come on. He's already home so it'll only take-"

"No. No, really, don't," Clarke said, shrinking away from Miller when he stood. The last thing she wanted was any of them knowing what was wrong with her. It was bad enough that Bellamy did.

He sank back into his seat and shook his head. They sat in silence for several long moments, both of their eyes dragged back to the fire. It was so much easier looking there than at each other.

"I have nightmares about the bunker," Miller said without warning. He continued to stare into the flames so she did the same. This wasn't about her and she'd follow his cues until she knew what he needed from her. "Some are bad enough I throw up. What we did- What I did- That's going to haunt me every day for the rest of my life. I followed orders and I let... You know. That's a sin there is no coming back from."

Clarke knew the feeling. However, it wasn't true for Miller. "You did what had to be done. There were no good choices and everything you did was so our people could live. You shouldn't be so hard on yourself. You've already earned your forgiveness. The person who judges you the most for it now is you."

Miller pursed his lips again and nodded. When he turned his head toward her sharply she did the same, unsure how to show him how much she meant it. Miller had always had a good heart. He couldn't let mistakes, no matter how big, keep him from seeing that hadn't changed. 

"You realize those exact words could apply to more than me, right?" Ok, so maybe it was about her after all. Sneaky. When Clarke tried to look away he ducked his head, keeping eye contact. "Nuh huh. We had to follow some bullshit 'hands-off' policy up until now, but you're acting like you're amongst the living again so I'm choosing to take it as a green light. Listen to your own advice. You shouldn't be so hard on yourself; you've earned your forgiveness already."

"Miller, please, I-" Clarke started to croak but he shook his head to stop her, keeping her gaze trapped with his.

"No. I need to say this and I think you need to hear it. I'm no Bellamy but I do know you. We landed together a million years ago and I've been here for it all. I saw everything from the start. When we were trapped in the Mountain, when you escaped, I already knew nothing would stop you from staying alive just so you could come back for us."

"I don't-" 

He reached across the distance between their seats and squeezed her hand. "Please believe me when I say that I - more than most - get how the past can make you feel like a monster. If you really believe there's hope for me that means there's hope for you too. It took things we aren't proud of to keep our people alive and now we're here. If I have to learn to live with myself, you do too. We're the 100 and we always keep fighting, remember? I need you to fight with me to get through how to feel about what I've done. You're the person I'm counting on to find a way through this with me, just like Mount Weather. We need your help - I need your help - and the Clarke Griffin I know doesn't leave her people behind."

Clarke pulled her hand away from his and he let it go so she could wipe her cheeks, clearing them of the few tears that had escaped. Miller rubbed at his own eyes and settled back in his chair to gaze into the fire again, giving her time to compose herself. 

"You don't have to say that. What we've done doesn't compare. The amount of people I've killed-"

"-Is not the point. It's how you feel about it. I've talked to Jackson about what I'm dealing with, sort of, but he doesn't get it. I'm glad he doesn't. He has his own burdens but it's not like this. You're the only person I know who will understand what I'm trying to deal with. I've been wanting to talk to you since we've come out of cryo but there was never the right time, and then after that when we were told to give you space to handle- Well- Now that I have, don't tell me we're not coming back from what we've done." His expression tinted with a shadow of pleading, more open than she'd ever seen him. "Please don't."

Clarke offered her hand that time and he took it. They mutually held tight for a moment and Clarke knew she probably appeared as lost and grief-stricken as he did. When they let go they both settled back to sit in companionable silence while Clarke pieced together her thoughts. 

Of course Miller could find his way back from what had happened in the bunker. He'd been following orders. It was either do what needed to be done or allow what was left of the human race to descend into chaos and inevitably extinction. None of that was his fault. It was different for her. She'd been the one giving the orders. Unlike in the bunker, there had been room for other choices. She'd always chosen the best she could but there could have been different paths. There could have been better ways she hadn't tried hard enough to see. All of the bad that had happened was her fault and no one else's.

However, Miller didn't need to know that. He was looking for someone to connect with so he didn't feel isolated with his guilt. She could give that to him. He deserved that and more. He had been with her from the start and he was right, she wasn't going to leave him to face what he was going through alone.

"We can," she lied. She cleared her throat of the hoarse sorrow she hadn't been able to mask. "We can get through it. The 100 never stops fighting, right?"

"Never," Miller muttered in agreeance. After a while, he asked, "how?"

"I don't know. We'll figure it out; we always do."

"We sure do." Miller got up and stretched like his body had been stiff their entire conversation. "I've got to get going or Jackson will start worrying. Thanks for..." Miller gripped her shoulder and they didn't need to say more. "Maybe I can drop by tomorrow night?"

"Tomorrow I'm visiting Sanctum. Any other night I'll be here."

Miller departed with a casual, "see you," and Clarke sat thinking about what he'd said for hours until the fire burned low. She knew she had to help Miller. Figuring out how was something to add to the growing list of tasks that gave her purpose. In the moments Wonkru and Sanctum and Madi and their people weren't on her mind, finding a way to ease his would be. 

Entering her room, Clarke smirked. She was sure every time she saw it she'd get a little kick out of it. As traumatic as the Red Sun had once more proved to be, she had the memory of Murphy being decent and a cozy place to call home out of it. The chair Bellamy had left behind was still there so she dragged it out of the way and got ready for bed.

Clarke knew her nightmares were waiting for her but she fell asleep with a soft smile on her face all the same. She still knew, in her heart, most of it wasn't real. She knew the others still hated her, some pushing it deeper down than the others for now. That said, she gave herself permission to enjoy the moment without fear of when it was over. She was in the bed Murphy had made for her, wearing the stupid socks Bellamy had thought to use to keep her safe from herself, in the pajama's Gabriel had given her, after a night speaking with Miller by the fire, with Madi sleeping safely and soundly in the next room.

It was all so close to everything she wanted. If only it were real.

When dawn broke Clarke rose with it, pushing back hair damp with the sweat she'd gathered throughout the night. Her dreams, unsurprisingly, had taken some ideas from the Red Sun again.

As she got ready she heard Madi doing the same and Clarke rushed to finish first so she could say goodbye to her before she left. They didn't see much of each other anymore.

"Hey," Clarke held her arms open when she left her room and was relieved when Madi barrelled into her. At least some things were the same.

Pulling back, Madi searched her face. "You're feeling ok?"

Clarke felt her lungs tighten with dread. Had Madi heard she and Miller last night? Did Madi know what was going on in her head? "Of course. Why are you asking?"

"You just seemed a little weird at dinner, that's all. I'm glad you're feeling better. Will you come to breakfast with me?"

She drew in a grateful deep breath. "Oh, I don't think-"

"Please," Madi begged, drawing out the word, fluttering her lashes and Clarke wondered where she picked that up from. Madi stuck out her lip in a dramatic pout.

Clarke laughed, rolling her eyes. "Ok, ok. Lead the way."

"Yes! I know we have a meeting about the," Madi waved a finger in a circle around them, careful to not talk about their plan outside of the secured meeting area which Clarke was proud of, "soon and you want to get ready but before that could you come to the hidden sparring field with me? Octavia showed me a cool new move. I'm not good at it yet but she said she'd practice it with me today. After that Echo is going to help me with my archery but I don't think I need it. I shot our dinner fine in Shallow Valley."

"You did." Clarke ran a fond hand down Madi's braids, refusing to give any indication that it hurt to hear her child didn't have anything to learn from her anymore. All she had left to give Madi was a peaceful future to thrive in. The surety that she would, come hell or high water, gave Clarke the ability to offer Madi a sincerely happy grin when the girl looked her way. "It's never a bad idea to try to learn more though. Maybe you'll get a little better or maybe you'll outshoot your teachers. Either would be fun, right?"

That lit up Madi's face and the two of them giggled about it as they entered the mess hall.

The space was more bustling than she'd ever seen it, dedicated to avoiding everyone as she'd been. There was a moment of observing the natural life in camp before she and Madi were noticed. The whispers started and there wasn't so much a pause as a sudden tension in the air as one by one the crowd became aware of their presence. The conversations continued, the eating didn't slow, there was still laughter, but Clarke knew everyone was mindful of she and Madi's ever step as they joined the people waiting to receive their portion of rations. When they got there the line ahead of them stepped aside, heads bending as they murmured, "Heda. Wanheda." While Clarke felt mortified, wanting to insist that they could wait like everyone else, Madi took it all in stride. She nodded in general thanks to those she passed, filling one plate and handing it to Clarke before filling her own. 

As they walked away, Madi once again dipped her head and Clarke saw the giggling girl she'd been with had transformed to a young woman with kind poise. 

It weighed on her deeply, and always would, that Madi was Heda. However, as Madi herself had pointed out, there was no safe way to take that back. Her safety would always come first to Clarke. Trapped in the role of leading her people as much as Clarke had once been, she was proud to see her daughter doing such a better job already.

A high whistle caught her attention and Clarke spotted Miller hold up a hand in greeting, Jackson and Bellamy with him. The latter caused her to fight the urge to flee. Biting her cheek, Clarke went to them, carefully avoiding seeing Bellamy's face, focusing on the others instead. She knew she'd have to see him eventually. She reassured herself it was better to get it out of the way now, with some distraction available. That said, Clarke was grateful when Madi chose to sit beside Bellamy, leaving her the seat by Jackson.

After the round of 'good mornings,' Clarke continued to ignore the stare she felt Bellamy leveling her way and was thankful when Jackson spoke before the chance for awkwardness could arrive. He told her about what was going on currently at the med tent, and update on their patients, ideas about the facility Bellamy told him was coming, and his ideas about starting classes in the mess hall in the meantime. Clarke was faintly aware that the other three were speaking to each other but was so focused on enjoying her conversation with Jackson she didn't catch much of it. She promised to check on their patients and he was happy when she agreed to help with classes when she could. It was an honor he wanted her to at all and she told him as much. She'd forgotten how much she missed medical work until the day before.

The conversation had led to him mentioning he'd be happy for the extra hands, which led to work hours, which led to him gesturing at Miller and saying: "Thank you for sending this guy home when you did last night. I was about to send out a search party. We're both dead on our feet by the end of the day so I was worried something was wrong."

Miller turned and shot them both an exaggeratedly cocky smirk. "Who would be setting up that search party, exactly?"

"I'd figure it out," Jackson said with his best attempt at a glare, one that couldn't hold for more than a few seconds.

"You were at the house?" Madi asked as Clarke felt the stare Bellamy had been boring into the side of her face intensify. "Is everything alright?"

"Oh, yeah. No problems. I hadn't gotten the chance to thank Clarke for her thoughtful note the other day. Thanks, old friend," Miller said with a wink and Clarke nearly choked on the bite in her mouth. 

Jackson patted her back and Clarke tried to keep her face straight. "Anytime, friend," she said with sweet sarcasm. Miller huffed in laughter, looking at Bellamy for some reason, and Jackson shook his head in exasperation.

When they were done Jackson offered to walk with Clarke over to the med tent to show her some of the things he'd been talking about. Madi had said she'd rather practice her new move so it was better when Clarke saw it anyway. As Madi stood to go, Indra appeared out of seemingly nowhere. The warrior gave Clarke a cryptic tilt of her chin before the pair left.

Clarke frowned after them. She slowly rose since the others already had. It was due to her distraction she didn't realize Bellamy had moved behind her until his hand was closing over hers on her plate.

"Let me get that for you?" he asked, gently taking it from her. Already curled down to reach around her shorter frame, he didn't have to go much further to add near her ear. "One of ours is always with Madi. Don't worry. We're going to keep her safe."

Clarke gave a terse nod and slipped out of the space between Bellamy and the table. She left her plate for him to deal with. She didn't say thank you. She took off at a quick pace for the medical tent, trying to will away the lingering feeling of his warmth at her back, and his hand covering hers, and the tickle of his breath as he'd whispered so low and near. The shiver she'd felt in that moment and the goosebumps that remained were not helping.

Jackson called her name, jogging to catch up. "Are you ok?"

"Yeah, just- I'm excited to see Hope. I didn't get much of a chance before. Where's Miller?"

"He had to get to work. It sounded like there are some issues with Trishanakru."

Clarke felt her adrenaline kick in midstep. "What kind of issues?"

"I don't know any of the details. You should ask Bellamy. He's the one dealing with it all. Here we are," Jackson said, waving her into the med tent, the entryway already secured open. Clarke's concern took a backseat as she spotted where Diyoza sat breastfeeding Hope, the picture of motherly serenity despite the scars. "I'll give you guys a minute while I check on the others."Clarke felt Jackson touch her arm as he departed and gave a vague nod, already caught up in Hope.

"Incredible, right?" Diyoza gave a little disbelieving laugh, meeting Clarke's eyes before they both turned back down to her daughter. "Who would have believed I was brewing something this cute down there? I half expected her to pop out with a machete in hand. Grateful she didn't, of course," Diyoza said as she shifted the baby away and covered herself, "it was bad enough as it was. Would you like to hold her?"

Clarke tucked the little bundle into the crook of her arm and felt a deep joy. She helped. She most certainly hadn't done the hard part, but she'd helped this little girl into the world and had filled her lungs with air. Hope yawned contently, every line of her tiny face perfect, the hand she stretched out showing off tiny and equally perfect fingers.

"Thank you, by the way." Clarke glanced up to see Diyoza watching them with surprising gentleness. "I don't think I got the chance before. It was kind of a busy morning. So, thank you."

"I'm happy I was there to help," Clarke said truly, delicately placing the baby back into her mother's arms. "And you know how to repay me."

"A daughter for a daughter," Diyoza confirmed. The two women shared a look and nod that encompassed what only they were capable of. It was one of fierce, lethal, allied understanding. "I got the message and you've got my word. The doc said I'll be up and at'em in no time. The minute I am your kid will be as safe as mine." 

Clarke knew Diyoza was her best bet; she had no connections or debts to anyone else in Wonkru and despite being a literal terrorist she'd proven to be reliable enough. Beggars couldn't be choosers and it wasn't like Clarke stood on a moral high ground in comparison. She was as reassured as she could be that Madi would have someone loyal and unflinching in her corner long after Clarke was gone. 

A thought occurred to her and it only took seconds to fully form. "I'm glad to hear it. Speaking of our deal; your house hasn't been built yet. It will be as soon as I can manage but I can't say when that will be. For now, I'd like you and Hope to live at my place."

"Aww, you wanna be roomies?"

"I won't be there. You'll take my room. That means you'll be staying with Madi, which works out because you'll be guarding her long term. It will be a good opportunity to get to know one another. She might hate you less seeing you with Hope," Clarke said, only partly kidding.

"And where will you be?"

"I'll worry about that. Is there anything I can get for you from the Eligius tents?"

"Nope. Got all I need right here." Diyoza tenderly bounced her baby.

"Great. I'm leaving for Sanctum overnight and I'm sure Jackson will want to keep the two of you at least that long to keep an eye on Hope. When I'm back and you're both medically cleared I'll take care of you. Until then, rest. With that little one finally here, you're going to need it."

The next stop on her tour of the small med tent was in the far corner, carefully propped up so as not to disturb the stitches on his upper back. 

"My hero," RJ said with a big, shining smile. "I was wondering when you'd swoop in so I could say thanks for the rescue."

"No thanks needed." Clarke knelt beside the man, leaning across him to get a peek at the fresh bandages without disturbing him too much. She was sure Jackson would notice if he started bleeding through but she couldn't help it. "I actually wanted to thank you for getting Diyoza here when you did despite how badly you were hurt; you're the hero. It was a close call. Hope was the first child of our people born on planet Alpha and she made it in large part thanks to you."

"And you. We should be godparents, right? That seems only fair," he joked even as he winced, trying to turn a little towards her so she could see better. "You have to ask Diyoza though because she still scares the shit out of me. You do too but I'm getting the feeling you aren't going to kill me any second."

"Is that so? You don't know me very well."

"True, true, but I'm usually pretty good at reading people. I was way off base with you at first, what with the whole Jones-finger-thing, but I think I'm starting to get the picture now."

"Pretty confident in your people reading skills, I see."

"Oh absolutely. I'm incredible at it. That, and eavesdropping." 

It wasn't so much his words as the way he delivered them, so silly and unexpected, that Clarke laughed harder than she meant to. He didn't make it any better by chuckling at her reaction, which made her laugh a little more. Stretched awkwardly across him as she was she wobbled the slightest bit and he set a stabilizing hand on her side.

"Clarke," Bellamy said behind her, his tone not quite a greeting or a question.

She grimaced a little, causing RJ to quirk his brow. She minutely shook her head to tell him not to bother asking as she pulled back. She studied the tent wall in front of her rather than look at Bellamy.

"Yes?"

"Can I talk to you?"

After a moment of hesitation, Clarke told him, "sure," and stayed kneeling in front of RJ, spontaneously grabbing his arm and checking it without reason, postponing having to turn around. She saw the man glance between her and Bellamy several times and his huge grin began to return though she couldn't imagine why. A free show while stuck in sickbay, likely.

"Can I talk to you outside?" he specified. Bellamy was trying to stay calm and neutral. She could hear it in his voice. She wasn't feeling all that calm and neutral about him herself after their conversation so she could hardly blame him.

RJ caught her eye and Clarke slightly cocked her head at the subtle wink he gave her. Then she grew stock still as he pulled his arm away and snaked it around her waist, firmly placing his hand on her lower back. If it felt like a come-on she'd shove him off, stitches be damned. However, all she saw in him was mischief, not attraction.

"What are you doing?"

"Thank you for everything, my pretty hero," he replied in a stage whisper, his tone pitched especially low and weirdly breathless. "I owe you. Anything you need, ever, I'm your guy. Anything at all."

"Ok," Clarke replied slowly. She pulled back and RJ dropped his hold quickly. He hadn't finished settling back in his bed by the time Bellamy's hand was on her arm, helping her up. "Well." She cleared her throat, not certain what had just happened. "Feel better. I'll check on you again soon."

"I'll be counting down the seconds," he said using that same voice as Bellamy began urging her away. She heard the rumble of RJ chuckling as they exited the tent.

"What was that about?"

"What was what about? What are you doing here? Jackson said there's a problem with Trishanakru?"

"There's a problem with everything," Bellamy dismissed which would have gotten her full attention if he hadn't glared at the med tent behind her while he said it. "I know how to handle our problems. Mostly. I don't know what to do about the Eligius prisoners. We can't leave them here with the rest of our people and we don't have a jail yet."

"We aren't putting them in jail. The ones who made it here are the ones Diyoza has vouched for; they would have ended up being members of Wonkru sooner or later. Now we get them healthy and on some kind of work detail when they're up to it."

"Things are barely working now. Throwing them into the mix is too much of a risk. We can't trust them, Clarke. They're violent criminals. We can't-"

"Because we've never done anything illegal and we've never hurt anyone. We were pardoned of our crimes when we survived landing on Earth. They deserve to be pardoned for making it to Alpha. They deserve a second chance."

"Pardons? When did we get back the power to pardon whoever we want? There are-"

"Did we ever lose it? We make the rules. Maybe it shouldn't be that way - given our history, it definitely shouldn't be that way - but that's how it is. And I say they are pardoned."

They faced off, both intense in their conviction. Bellamy stayed back so she knew she was going to win this one. If they were really going to duke it out he'd be close, towering over her as if that had ever helped his cause. Instead, they stayed several feet apart and held their argument silently but no less angry for it.

"Fine." Bellamy dragged his hands through his hair. "Fine, we'll do it your way, but I don't trust them."

"I'm not asking you to."

Bellamy closed his eyes, hung his head, and nodded.

She didn't know what was going on but she saw for the first time how utterly worn out he seemed. Where had that come from? Up until then he'd seemed so... Bellamy. Clarke had been busy getting by and it now occurred to her that she may have overlooked actually 'looking' at him outside of their strained relationship in a while. There was an edge to him she knew meant he was nearing his breaking point; she'd seen it before. What was happening? What did he need? Could she help? 

The questions were all on the tip of her tongue but instead of asking she chewed her cheek and walked away from him again without saying goodbye, hating herself for it.


	16. Bellamy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> STORY NOTE:  
> We're finally getting going!
> 
> PERSONAL NOTE:  
> I'd like to thank you guys for this story existing. I really thought I was going to take a risk and post the two chapters I'd written for my own sake and go. I'm still in disbelief and so grateful that anybody likes it and when I keep doubting if I should keep going I see the comments and what kind, encouraging, thoughtful things you're saying and I want to share more with you. So thank you, so much. I can never say it enough!

The shift in the room alerted Bellamy that something had changed. It wasn't anything obvious, but it seemed like suddenly everyone's back was a little straighter and there was a herd alertness that hadn't been there before. He'd felt that change frequently and glanced around to see where Madi was. 

Sure enough, their young Heda had entered the mess hall. It was a sign they were doing things right that she elicited that reaction from her people but it always made him sad. To his surprise, this time she had Clarke by her side. Bellamy kept paying attention to Miller's report on what he'd heard about a conflict within Trishanakru but his eyes were fixed on the pair. He tried to suppress a grin when he saw Clarke's reaction to everyone in line moving out of their way. He could tell she was deeply uncomfortable with the reverence.

Miller followed his line of sight and without hesitation whistled, drawing their attention. Bellamy could have hugged him but then immediately regretted it. He was making Clarke sick. He couldn't begin to understand how and was tempted to suspect Clarke had used that as an excuse to get rid of him but she'd seemed so sure. She was a good liar - thank god, she'd saved them all with that skill more than once - but he knew her tells. She believed what she said was true. He wasn't going to give up his hope on regaining the relationship they'd once had but he also wasn't going to risk her health. Figuring out how to accomplish both was a big ask from his drained mind but he knew he'd manage somehow. There had to be a way to make it work.

As the two drew near Bellamy held back, saying no more than a passing 'good morning' to them both. He wasn't disappointed when Madi took the seat next to his; he was always happy to see her, the nearness might have been bad for Clarke, and where Clarke sat next to Jackson made it possible to observe her less blatantly than if she'd been right beside him. Miller repeated what he'd already told Bellamy to include Madi in the discussion as Jackson launched into a deep side conversation with Clarke. Again, Bellamy paid attention to what was being said but his eyes stayed on her covertly. He probably would have been able to tear himself away under other circumstances but not then. She'd acted more like herself yesterday morning and he was seeing it again now. It was all that he could ask for. Someday he and Clarke would be alright, he was sure of it. Her being alright generally was what was important and seeing Jackson draw that from her was something he couldn't seem to turn away from.

He lost attention on both what was being said and Clarke when he felt an inexplicable unease hit him. Searching the mess hall he tried to find the source but nothing struck him as being off. Bellamy had to roll his shoulders to lessen the discomfort, attributing it to his admittedly slightly extreme protectiveness when it came to Madi and Clarke. Having them both near in the crowded room likely set him on edge without even realizing it.

They were naturally drawn into a mutual conversation when Jackson lightly bumped Miller's shoulder and pointed a thumb at him saying, "thank you for sending this guy home when you did last night. I was about to send out a search party. We're both dead on our feet by the end of the day so I was worried something was wrong."

"You were at the house?" Madi asked when the lovebirds stopped playfully bantering for a moment. "Is everything alright?"

"Oh, yeah," Miller told her. "No problems. I hadn't gotten the chance to thank Clarke for her thoughtful note the other day. Thanks, old friend." Miller winked at Clarke while Bellamy internally flinched.

"Anytime, friend," Clarke replied sarcastically. Bellamy was too busy paying attention to Madi's reaction to notice the other's. She seemed fine but he couldn't be sure if it was real. He might know her mother's but he hadn't figured out Little Clarke's tells yet.

"I'm still not great at the new move Octavia is teaching me. I want to practice a little more before I show you. You should go with him," Madi encouraged when Clarke hesitated following Jackson to the med tent. Their child Heda stood and Indra was by her side at once, finally stepping into plain sight. He knew she'd been inconspicuously tracking them since they left their cabin.

Bellamy had assigned the seasoned warrior to breakfast and dinnertime watch as that was when Madi was around the highest traffic. In the night she was with Clarke and they were all in the surrounding houses. Her mornings went to Octavia and her afternoons to Gaia. They had the option to bring in alternate supervision from their inner circle if needed to but both women adored Madi. While they were open to others joining them neither were interested in giving up their time with her. From their updates, he knew Madi had taken an interest in learning how to repair their faulty water filtration system from Raven lately and Octavia had spent far more time than she was enthusiastic about in the machine shop. She stayed anyway to make sure Madi didn't 'die from boredom.'

Seeing Clarke frown when Madi walked away Bellamy realized she likely wasn't aware of their schedule. Madi might not have expressed the regularity of her days and what it meant. He and Clarke's communication with one another had been so halting and there was so much going on it was hard to think of everything to tell her in the brief spans she'd listen to him. He hated to think of her worrying so he used the excuse of taking her plate to get close enough to lowly explain as quickly as he could, not wanting to press his presence on her when he wasn't sure if it was helping or hurting. When Clarke ducked away without acknowledging him he figured it was the latter and let her go without detailing what that meant.

After depositing their plates in the pile to be washed, he jogged out of the mess hall to catch up with Madi before she made it to the secret training field he'd set up for her in a wooden clearing not far from camp. She was supposed to have the wisdom of the Commanders and not need any additional education as a result. The reasonable expectation of teaching a twelve-year-old how to defend herself needed to stay hidden at all costs. 

"Hey," he called seeing their retreating backs. They waited for him to catch up and when he dipped his head at Indra she took the hint and walked ahead, giving he and Madi some privacy.

"I'm sorry again." He didn't need to specify what he meant. "When Miller brought it up I-"

"I said I forgave you and I meant it."

"You shouldn't need to forgive me; you shouldn't have had to go through that at all. You deserve to know before I say anything because you matter to me and I don't want to betray your trust, but I need to tell them what happened, or at least Clarke. You might forgive me but I should be-"

She swiveled and glared. "Don't you dare."

"Clarke deserves to know everything. She loves you, more than anything, and neither of us should be keeping secrets from her," Bellamy said gently, hoping his words would sink in.

"What would that accomplish? I may be a child but I'm not stupid. We both know it will only give her an excuse to push you away even more. I'll be much angrier with you for doing that to us than I was about not being able to find you."

"I don't think you're stupid at all. You make us proud every day, always. But I owe your mother more than not admitting I messed up when I was supposed to be taking care of you."

She didn't stop walking but when Madi spoke next she sounded her age; young and vulnerable. "Please. I need you to help Clarke. That's not going to work if you're not talking. Please don't make me the reason that's not happening. I know she's trying to seem normal all the time but I can tell she needs help and I don't-"

Bellamy caught Madi's arm and turned her towards him and he hated to see her anxious expression. Before he got the chance to offer a hug she already latched onto him and he held her back tightly.

"I love her and I just want her to be happy," she said into his shirt.

"I know. I do too. Don't worry, Madi. Clarke's going to be ok. We'll figure this out. I'm going to take care of everything, I promise. Don't worry." Feeling her nod against his chest in immediate trust reinforced his already ironclad determination to get through to Clarke. She might be trying her best but Madi was too smart to not see her charade for what it was and she was getting scared. This all had to stop.

He waited until Madi pulled away, not wanting to let go until she was ready. She gave him the quietest 'thank you' and then squared her jaw, visibly forcing herself past it and taking off again for her fighting lesson without another word. Sometimes it was truly unnerving how much she was like Clarke. He watched until she caught up with Indra before turning to leave.

Bellamy knew Clarke would still be at the med tent. The first sight as he approached was Diyoza with little Hope in the entryway. His intention had been to pause to check on them, but Diyoza's sly smile and the way her eyes slid to the left had him following her gaze and coming to a sharp halt. 

In the corner, Clarke was half sprawled on top of her monstrous admirer. They were both laughing, carefree, and the man's hand was molded around her ribcage too close to... other areas of her body. Bellamy had a rush of emotions so intense he didn't know what to make of them all. He was pissed she'd been basically straddling RJ while he'd been in the woods comforting their kid. He was outraged she was apparently having the time of her life with some stranger while the people who loved her were torn up over her ongoing sadness. Emori's words - 'Clarke's a woman with needs' - hit him low and deep in the gut, surely because he was concerned about the type of person she was interested in meeting those 'needs' with. There was something heating his blood that he didn't even have a name for. And honestly, there was a small part of him that ached in relief to hear Clarke laugh like that.

He said her name, not interested in watching the show for another second. He had come there for a reason. She slid off the man, agreeing to speak to Bellamy without turning his way. Before he had the chance to press the issue the asshole she was with wrapped his arm around her and splayed a possessive hand across Clarke's lower back, causing Bellamy's whole body to lock and nostrils flare. This guy barely knew her and he was trying to back him off? Seriously? Seriously? 

Bellamy took a few deep breaths. This was not the time or place to start acting like a caveman no matter how much the urge suddenly struck him. That would immediately backfire and he knew it.

As he forced himself to watch with no outward reaction the man said in some bullshit wanna-be-seductive voice, "thank you for everything, my pretty hero. I owe you. Anything you need, ever, I'm your guy. Anything at all."

Bellamy couldn't hear her reply but as soon as she started to pull back he was there, supporting her to get her up and away from RJ as quickly as possible. The two shared some parting words Bellamy lost in the battle to keep his cool.

He used every bit of that effort when they made it outside and he asked as calmly as he was capable, "what was that about?"

"What was what about? What are you doing here? Jackson said there's a problem with Trishanakru?"

For some inexplicable reason, stolen goods and the divisive animosity they caused suddenly seemed unimportant. "There's a problem with everything. I know how to handle our problems. Mostly." Bellamy thought 'mostly' might be a bit of a stretch but he had larger concerns. It hadn't occurred to him how big of a problem the Eligius prisoners could become until he'd walked into the tent. Diyoza was one thing but the other four were wildcards and he had no idea what they were capable of. They could hurt or take advantage of their people. He wouldn't be able to stop it until it was too late.

When he suggested putting them in jail he unintentionally lit a fuse he couldn't put out even if he wanted to, which he didn't. His points were valid. It was his responsibility to keep everyone safe and letting unknown killers roam around unchecked seemed like a pretty stupid way to go about that. He and Clarke ended up facing one another down, both determined to get their way. 

When their argument turned silent it meant it was becoming especially serious and he knew he'd lose. He didn't want to upset her, unsure what would spark another bout of symptoms. Still completely convinced he was right, Bellamy said, "Fine. Fine, we'll do it your way, but I don't trust them."

"I'm not asking you to."

Bellamy closed his eyes and nodded. He tried not to think about his worry that he was putting her and everyone else's wellbeing in danger for the sake of not upsetting Clarke. The conversation he'd sought her out for was definitely not happening right then.

She stalked back into the med tent, likely to go get manhandled by her new friend. There was nothing left for him there so Bellamy stormed off in the other direction. His adrenaline high and teeth grinding he made his way to where he could do some physical labor, not trusting himself around other people at the moment.

Later Miller, Jackson, and Echo tracked him down, bringing lunch with them, to where he was contributing in the Eligius scrapping effort. Drilling and yanking and lifting pounds upon pounds of metal to be reforged from the outer shell had worked off Bellamy's aggression by then and he dropped what he was doing to join in their meal. It was a peaceful reprieve until Jackson let Miller know he wouldn't be at dinner; he wanted to take Clarke somewhere around that time.

"You'll have to wait," Miller told him casually between bites, "Clarke's going to Sanctum. She'll be back tomorrow, though. If I'm allowed on your cool-kids medical trip we could-"

"Clarke's doing what?" Bellamy interrupted. 

Miller wasn't phased by his tone and lifted a shoulder. "She's leaving for Sanctum today and she'll be back tomorrow."

She was getting another treatment from Gabriel. Bellamy was sure of it. He thought about her bloody in Gabriel's tent before her first visit to the lab and he thought about those sheets he'd found soaked through with black blood. When he'd found it smeared on the side of the radio when she'd clearly called Gabriel for help and what had to have been the second session. He thought about her screaming and crying in that chair. He hadn't been much help the first time but at least he'd been there for her. Going through that terror alone must have been worse.

Once again Clarke had shared her plans with Miller instead of him. He was glad she was telling someone, but also, what the hell? Miller so highly outranking him was jarring, to say the least.

Bellamy scrubbed his jaw in frustration. Giving up pretending like he wasn't going to do the obvious he pulled Echo close and kissed her before saying, "I'll be back soon."

"You can't be serious."

"I have to go." When he started walking Echo stayed by his side.

"I know Clarke's like family to you and it was hard leaving her behind in Praimfaya." His head jerked back, unsure why she'd bring something like that up, but didn't slow his pace. "We all know you blamed yourself for her death while on the Ring. I know you feel guilty about Madi, and Josephine, and Abby, and not realizing she was sick, and having to leave her behind again during the Red Sun. I feel those things too and she and I don't have history like you do. That said- Bellamy, look at me." Echo stepped in front of him and though his impulse to hurry didn't lessen he stopped and gave her his full attention. She made the most of it, emphasizing every word. "Clarke is a grown, competent woman. At some point, you need to stop letting your fear and guilt have you chasing her everywhere. Respect she can handle herself and focus on handling your own problems."

She was right. She was completely, entirely right. Bellamy hugged her, appreciative. Then he stepped away. "Last time she went to Sanctum alone she made promises to Gabriel we can't keep. I need to explain why and find a solution. You're not wrong about any of it, and I hear you, but that's not what this is. I need you to help Miller and Raven hold down the fort while I'm gone. I'll be back soon."

Expression grave, Echo nodded slowly and moved aside. "Be careful."

"You too." Jogging to make up for lost time Bellamy arrived at the garage as Emori was getting Clarke keys for the Rover. "Hold up," he said, breathless. "I'm coming with you."

"I have everything under control; I don't need you."

Bellamy winced but plucked the keys from Emori before Clarke got the chance to. "Well, I need to speak to Gabriel. I can follow you there in a separate Rover or we can drive together. Your choice."

"Can I get the keys for this one?" Clarke asked, pointing at another vehicle. When Emori hesitated, looking between them, Clarke held her hands up. "Actually, don't bother. By now it's probably easier for me to hotwire it than use a key anyway." 

When she seriously started moving for the other Rover Bellamy held out his arm, blocking her way. "Don't be like that. I can see your bag is full, of project stuff I'm guessing. Work on it while I drive. Think of the efficiency." He tried to not piss her off by grinning too wide when he saw her actually consider it. A lot may have changed but he still knew how that analytical, task-oriented mind of hers operated.

"Fine," she agreed begrudgingly, "but I'm going to actually work. If you're going to bother me the whole time I might as well-"

"Come on." He herded her towards the passenger door, waiting until she was inside before moving away, not confident she wouldn't bolt until they were through the gates. Even then it was chancey. 

Bellamy followed her rule and didn't speak as she unloaded some papers from her bag, looking at one list to create another. He followed it for all of twenty minutes before he broke. 

"We need to talk about Madi."

"Whatever guilt-trip you're going to lay on me, save it. I'm busy."

"Clarke, I'm serious." In his peripheral, she put her pen and paper down. "She knows something's wrong. She's scared." Glancing her way he saw Clarke's whole face twist in worry.

"She told you that?" He nodded, turning back to the road. "Why didn't she tell me?"

"She's scared for you. Kind of a hard conversation for a kid to start with their parent, especially when she knows you'll lie to keep her from being upset." He heard Clarke make a little noise like she was going to protest and he didn't want her to waste her time. "There's no point in denying that; we all know it's true. I know you're trying your best but she's too smart to not see something is going on, and I know you want to protect her from everything, but sometimes hard truths are better for someone to hear than pacifying lies. She deserves to trust that we'll be honest with her."

"And she came to you with this? She told you."

He briefly looked her way again and couldn't tell what she was feeling. "Of course she did. I know I'm not Madi's father but I care about her too. She knows I'd do anything for her." Except be there when she needed him, he thought with deep remorse. Their conversation that morning barely kept him from telling Clarke the hard truth she was owed over pacifying silence. However, Madi's points were fair and he had his own relationship with her, outside of Clarke, that he needed to protect. His loyalty to both was being put to the test but the greater good was following Madi's wishes so he bit his tongue, focusing on what he could say. "I don't want to undermine you but I can't stand by when Madi's depending on me to take care of you both either. So despite what still needs fixing between us, we need to get on the same page for her sake.

"She knows you're sick, obviously. And she knows... Madi knows you're sad. She seems more concerned about that than anything."

Clarke stayed quiet for a long moment. "And what did you say when she told you that?"

"I told her not to worry, we would figure it out together, and you were going to be alright."

Clarke fell silent again and Bellamy gave her time. He knew this was all hard for her to hear.

"Thank you," she finally said.

"You don't need to thank me. I don't want you to thank me. I want you to get better and for Madi to be ok. Talk to me about how we're going to make that happen."

"I am getting better." When Bellamy shot her a disbelieving look she got defensive. "I didn't say I was great, I said I was better. There has been noticeable improvement. I'm going to see Gabriel every week for treatment and to pick up supplies while I'm there."

"An alibi."

Clarke seemed especially amused by that. "Exactly." There was another long beat before she spoke. "I hate worrying Madi with the truth but I hate the idea of her imagination running with worst-case scenarios more. I'll talk to her when we get back about why I'm visiting Sanctum."

She said nothing about her mental state but Bellamy didn't want to press his luck. "Thank you. Please let me know if I can be there. I think showing her we're a united front will help."

Clarke hummed a non-commital response and turned back to the window. Bellamy didn't want to push too far but he also wasn't going to pass up this opportunity to communicate with her either. This was good. This was more than he'd been hoping for.

"You also need to know she's safe. I know you got Diyoza for that but in the meantime-" He described their schedule in detail. Clarke hadn't known about the secret sparring field, admitting she hadn't thought about how the Commanders wisdom was supposed to extend to knowing how to expertly fight physically. Bellamy told her about how bright everyone said she was, and how impressed Octavia was with her training. Indra often joined Gaia in the afternoons and was the one primarily guiding Madi with Wonkru history and overall politics, and that she'd mentioned more than once what a natural leader Madi was proving to be. 

He knew Clarke was already well aware of how incredible her daughter was, but she hadn't had a real conversation with anyone and had been missing out on hearing about it. He was happy to be the one who got to tell her that everyone else knew how special Madi was too.

By the time they arrived at Sanctum Clarke had gotten almost no work done but she also seemed less self-conscious around him than she had in what felt like ages, smiling a little easier and actually replying when he'd say something. He thought was nothing to scoff at accomplishment-wise.

When they parked and approached where Gabriel was waiting for them, Clarke pulled the front of her shirt like she was presenting it to him and mysteriously said, with a cheeky grin, "I promised, didn't I?"

"Count me impressed," Gabriel laughed. Bellamy could taste the rubber from so clearly being the third wheel, outside of their inside joke.

"Bellamy, a pleasure as always." Gabriel held out a friendly hand in welcome and Bellamy was relieved he was still visible to the human eye. It didn't last long when they started in again.

"And how is my favorite patient doing?"

"Gabriel, you have no other patients. We've discussed this."

"So you have no reason to feel so insecure about me calling you my favorite, do you? How have you been, how are you feeling?"

"Good, good. I got stuck out in the last Red Sun which sucked but there were no symptoms so that's something."

"You. Were... What?" Gabriel was obviously horrified and Clarke patted his arm comfortingly.

"No symptoms. Did you hear that part?"

"Not really, no. Thank you for repeating it," he said sincerely and then stared at nothing. "Interesting." He snapped out of it, seeming concerned again but mostly curious. "No pressure if you're not comfortable but if you'd be willing to talk about what you experienced-" Seeing her face he stopped talking. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, that's not fair of me to ask. Do you have anything pressing you need to tell me or talk about? Are you in the mood for small talk today?"

"No. When can we get-" Before Clarke could finish Gabriel pulled a tranquilizer out of thin air and plunged it into her neck.

"What the hell?" Bellamy shouted when Clarke went down and the other man caught her.

"She doesn't want time to dread what's coming," Gabriel explained offhandedly as he shifted her up into his arms and headed towards the Primes lab without delay.

Bellamy rushed ahead of them to get the door only to find an older woman already holding it open. She seemed familiar and Bellamy quickly placed her as the one who'd brought them the Iliad when he was last there but couldn’t think of her name. She smiled at him fondly but it melted as she spotted Gabriel and Clarke.

“Go on,” she urged, waving Bellamy to head into the lab to make room for the others as they entered. She followed them in and as soon as Gabriel lowered Clarke onto that cursed medical chair the woman started smoothing Clarke’s hair from her face as Gabriel began strapping her down. Bellamy stood near, lost. He didn’t know how to help and he didn’t know why the near-stranger was so involved in a moment that was so private with Clarke. Catching his eye and apparently reading him easily the woman smiled at him again, this time sadly. “Last time she said she was scared to come in here in front of me. She doesn’t strike me as the type of girl to say something like that easily so I threatened I’d break down the door if Gabriel wouldn’t let me come with her. Not that he put up much of a fight. I didn’t want the poor little thing to be alone. If you want me to leave...”

Bellamy shook his head, already unable to speak. He owed that woman more than she could ever know for staying with her. There weren’t words enough to describe how he felt about Clarke coming here alone, terrified, once again needing help he hadn’t been there to give her.

Gabriel finished attaching a million wires to her head and grimly told them they were ready. Bellamy’s heart began to pound and the older woman leaned over Clarke, taking her face into her wrinkled hands. They all took a deep breath in their relative positions and by the time they exhaled Clarke was awake and already struggling.

“No, no! I can't do this. I changed my mind, I don't want this. Please! Let me go! Cathrine, help me! Please, please, please, I can’t be here, I can’t- I can’t- Gabriel! Gabriel!” Clarke’s sobs overtook her and the last half of Gabriel’s name was strangled as she screamed for him to save her.

The first sound of Clarke's panic tore Bellamy apart and every syllable shredded him further.

“Shhh, shhh, shhh. I’m here sweetie. It’s going to be alright. Just stay with me and we’ll get through this. Come on, honey. You can do this.” The woman - Cathrine - encouraged. Then she began singing. "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy, when skies are gray. You’ll never know dear, how much I love you, please don’t take my sunshine away.”

It was a song Bellamy hadn’t heard since he and his mother had sung it to Octavia when she was a toddler. When Catherine began again and Clarke tried to sing along through her weeping Bellamy just about lost it. Out of her line of sight, his shoulders shook and he had to press a hand against his mouth hard to stay silent. He’d give anything to protect her from this. He’d take it himself, he’d give his legs and arms, he’d slaughter everyone in Sanctum after all if it meant Clarke didn’t have to suffer like this. Knowing it was his fault for letting Josephine inhabit her for so long filled him with self-loathing like he’d never felt before, and he’d felt plenty. 

“Bellamy,” Gabriel muttered, barely loud enough to be heard of the women tragically singing. “Take over. You need to be the one to talk to her.”

“I’m going to hurt her,” Bellamy half told Gabriel and half mouthed to himself, heartbroken and frightened about what he would do to her in this state.

“I have a theory. I need you to be the one. Cathrine, give him space.”

The woman nodded in understanding, continuing to sing until Bellamy was right beside her, transitioning them so Clarke could see someone the whole time.

“Bellamy.” Clarke sobbed his name with so much relief it gutted him. She strained towards him with every muscle. “Bellamy, help me. Please, please help me. Get me out of here. Make it stop, please.”

At a loss of what else to do he cradled her face as Catherine had, wiping her tears away with his thumbs and ignoring his own as they began to drip from his chin. "We are helping you. It's going to stop soon. So soon. I'm right here with you. I'm going to stay with you. I'm right here."

"Bellamy, please." A part of him was ready to rip her out of the seat hearing that tone of helpless sorrow. Knowing it was in her best interest didn't keep him from regretting doing this to her.

"She needs to be talking," Gabriel reminded him.

Thinking about how horribly his last attempt had gone, Bellamy again followed Cathrine's lead. Voice hoarse and cracking he couldn't carry much of a tune but he did his best. "You are my sunshine-" She couldn't stop crying enough to sing along the first two times and Bellamy felt it physically when she began trying. They repeated it over and over, their wet eyes on each other.

"We're done," Gabriel announced finally, leaving his machinery to rest a hand on Clarke's trapped forearm. "Rest; you're going to wake up in your bed. You're alright." Gabriel injected Clarke with something else and she was out cold before Bellamy could say anything, not that he knew what to say.

"I'll take her if you want," Gabriel offered. The other man's eyes were bloodshot, lashes damp, and poor Cathrine was holding a sopping handkerchief. Bellamy shook his head and they began removing her restraints, the sections of pink skin from the force of her thrashing appearing as each was removed. "We have to," Gabriel told him quietly. "I know you hate it too but if she's ever going to recover we have to get through this. I got more done today than last time. She's making progress."

"Good." Bellamy didn't speak again until she was free and he was wiping his face one last time before lifting her. "Is it because this is my fault? That was your theory? I'd make her worse so you could fix it."

Gabriel looked baffled and then slightly mortified. "Bellamy, you aren't doing this to her. Why would you even think..." Gabriel's head tilted back, sighing to the ceiling. "You two are..." Upon dropping it he made direct eye contact with Bellamy, stern and persistent. "You are not doing this to her. This is not your fault."

"I'm triggering it. I'm doing this to her. If I hadn't made a goddamn deal with Russell and gotten Josephine out of her faster, this wouldn't-"

Holding a hand up Gabriel cut him off. "Stop. If anyone is to blame for Josephine it is entirely me. You had no way to know Clarke was still alive - I wouldn't have thought she was - and you certainly didn't know how to remove Josephine's chip yourself. You saved her life bringing her to me when you did and you saved her life bringing her back when she was truly dead. What is making this happen is the unprecedented fight between them. Her brain wasn't just supporting two consciousnesses, and for that long, it was also handling two strong minds actively trying to kill one another. There was some damage caused by that battle and none of it is your fault. As for you triggering it..." Gabriel looked at Bellamy with so much sympathy he didn't know what to make of it. "Clarke's having a hard time handling big emotions and thoughts warring with each other, the more intense they are the more extreme the reaction. My theory was that being with you would elicit a stronger response than with Cathrine which would allow me to see more, and I was right. How she feels about you is the trigger, not you yourself. You can't help that any more than you can change the way you feel about her."

"So, what, I have to stay away until she's better?"

"She's going to feel the way she feels wherever you are. Look, you have to choose how to handle your own business, I'm just some old man talking about a relationship I don't know the details of. That said, as a person who has met Clarke, the idea of someone wanting to stand by her even when it's complicated... Makes sense. I've said it before and I'll say it again: In two hundred years, I've never known someone like her. She is truly one of a kind."

There was no arguing that. Bellamy tried to process the new information. What it meant, what he was going to do about it. Gabriel patted his shoulder. 

"Take a walk, son. Think it over. I'm going to keep Clarke under until morning given the extent of what we got done here today; she needs it. You know what room she'll be in and that she's safe."

Before Bellamy had time to decide Gabriel scooped her up and was heading for the door.

Feeling directionless, Bellamy went to the only place in Sanctum he knew well; the tavern.

He wasn't the one hurting her. Her feelings about him were. Wasn't that the same thing? But Gabriel said she was going to keep feeling that whether he was there or not. She shouldn't be alone. How things had gone so wrong was from him leaving her alone when she needed him. So staying away was out of the question. But she didn't seem to want him near. What were her feelings about him if they were doing this to her?

Bellamy was cycling through these thoughts over and over as the bartender poured him another and another drink.

An unexpected face pulled him out of his reverie. "Jordan?"

Monty and Harper's son turned from his group of friends and was clearly taken aback to see him. "Bellamy?"

"Hey," Bellamy stood and realized he'd had a bit more to drink than he'd thought when he needed a second to stabilize himself. "How are you? We miss you."

"I'm fine. What are you doing here?" He asked as they exchanged a back-slapping hug.

"Just dropping by to talk to Gabriel. We've built you a house already. I don't know-"

"Why? What does he have to say?"

Bellamy stepped back and surveyed Jordan from head to toe. He looked the same but Bellamy wondered that something was off. "Gabriel's our friend, you know that. Are you alright? We've been worried about you. We'd like you to come home."

The boy sagged with a deep breath and shook his head. "I'm not ready yet. Soon. I promise. Just, with everything, I need a little more time here. For closure."

Bellamy wished he knew what to do to help him. They had no idea what was coming with Delilah but when it happened they should have listened to him. When they were planning on how to save Clarke Bellamy should have shut down Jordan's hope to save her more gently. Jordan had never lost someone other than his parents, who'd died happy from old age. Delilah had been the poor kid's first love. Hell, she was the first person he'd ever met his age. It was no wonder he was taking it so hard and Bellamy knew he'd want to linger at the last place he'd seen someone he loved too given the chance. He could hardly blame him, though he did wish things were different.

"How is everyone?" Jordan asked, breaking Bellamy out of the trance he'd fallen into, having drunk too much to think deep thoughts and speak at the same time.

They took seats, Jordan ordered them another round that Bellamy knew he shouldn't partake in and did anyway, and he told him a little about life at Wonkru. He may have focused primarily on all of the good things, wishing it would tempt Jordan to join them.

"And Clarke?" Jordan handed him another drink. "I'm sure setting all of that up has been a challenge she's loving but you haven't mentioned her at all."

Jordan thought it was Clarke making all of it happen, naturally. After all, he'd grown up on stories about their friends. In none of them would Bellamy have left her to rot when she clearly belonged at the helm, even if he'd had to drag her there at first. Clarke being in charge was an obvious assumption.

"Clarke's... fine."

Jordan frowned at that but let it go. They talked for a little longer before Jordan excused himself, promising they'd see each other again soon, returning to his friends. Bellamy watched him when he got there, the others making room for him and including him in what they were talking about without pause. Their whole group was companionably jumping back and forth from one another, everyone having a good time.

They'd once been like that. They hadn't had it as easy as these Sanctum kids - god, he sounded old saying that - but their relationships had been stronger because of it. Once upon a time they'd been that effortless.

He'd so fervently been reassuring himself that everything was going to work out all this time and Bellamy was finally, finally starting to see things click into place. Until the revelation about him causing her symptoms, he and Clarke had been ok yesterday. This morning had been uncomfortable and they'd fought, and she'd tried to run away without him which was nothing new, but on their way to Sanctum they'd had a great talk about Madi. They both loved her and that was a strong common factor they could bond over. Those were all very promising signs.

Then there was everything that happened when they arrived. It destroyed him to see Clarke suffering that way and he was grateful he could be there for her as she went through it. And he knew without question, without her having to say it, she was grateful he was there too. How she'd said his name when she was scared and the instinctive way she'd reacted told him she did still know he wasn't going to let anything hurt her. When it came to comforting her... Bellamy got choked up even thinking about it and he sloshed down the drink the bartender had dropped off.

That had been soul-crushing. Knowing he couldn't make her pain stop but trying to lessen it how Cathrine had demonstrated, her face had been so fragile in his hands and he'd wiped away her tears as carefully as he could, desperate for them to end. That song had been especially hard. It had been so hard to hold her gaze while they both cried, leading her through those words so many times. It had hurt him so much and he hoped what he felt was being taken away from Clarke.

He felt so deeply closer to her than he had in a long, long time.

Bellamy wouldn't call himself drunk when he got to Clarke's room. Technically. He was certainly too tipsy to overthink anything and without pause fell facefirst onto his side of the bed, shoes still on and all. He dragged his hand across the space between them, finding her and then it's spot in the dark. Mission accomplished, he was out in an instant.

When he woke up he was alone. Groggy and trying to hunt down Clarke on his own, he finally heard her laughing and followed the sound. 

Out on the open terrace, Clarke was sitting with Gabriel, the remnants of breakfast between them. It was late morning and he wondered how long they'd been out there chatting like the best of friends. Because that's what it looked like. Bellamy couldn't hear them yet but he could see how relaxed Clarke was and the way she and Gabriel were going back and forth it was clear they were enjoying that effortless ease in each other's company he'd been thinking about the night before. Bellamy was still more than anything grateful to have Gabriel as an ally watching over Clarke. He'd never repay him for all that he'd done. That said, he could admit to himself how jealous he was in that moment.

"-yet another example of your dangerous poetry," Gabriel was saying.

"More like an example of your-"

"'Morning," Bellamy said as he approached, not wanting to startle them. 

Clarke tensed a little and offered an overly happy, "good morning," while sharing what was surely meant to be subtle glance with Gabriel. It didn't escape Bellamy as he watched her so closely.

"Good morning," Gabriel said with sincere welcome. "Would you care for some breakfast? There's plenty left."

"I'm fine, thank you." 

There was a pause as they all clearly searched for what to say next.

"Have you noticed anything about Jordan-" Bellamy said, accidentally overlapping Clarke's, "So, about the guards we-" Out of the two hers naturally attracted Gabriel's attention.

"What about them?"

"There are some complications I didn't consider."

"Clarke, we have a deal. You're the one who proposed it."

"I know and I'm sorry. We can't send you the guards; not yet at least. I'll figure out a way to get them to you soon."

Gabriel scowled, his easygoing demeanor gone. "Soon isn't going to keep the city safe. Conflicts are getting more and more out of hand." Bellamy could certainly empathize with that. "I understand that you need to put Wonkru first for now but if you don't want us facing outright civil war by the time you get here I need help."

His breath left him in a harsh exhale. There was no mistaking what Gabriel meant.

"Focusing on Wonkru doesn't mean I'm blind to you or Sanctum. There has to be a way..." Clarke rubbed her temple, searching for an answer, too busy to notice Bellamy staring at the side of her face like she grew another head. He could tell when an idea came to her and he could also see she hated it. "We'll take Russell."

"You will?" Gabriel said in dubiously, in synch with Bellamy's dark, "Like hell."

Clarke shot him one of their complicated glances that spoke volumes. There was guilt, letting him know she was in fact perfectly aware of how he felt about what he was hearing and a little shame for him finding out what she was planning this way. There was also a hardness telling him it was time for business and he needed to get over it for now. There was a little pleading, asking for his help and to support her. And there was a lot of stubbornness, letting him know whether he did or not they were taking Russell Lightborne with them.

In their three seconds of eye contact, Bellamy in turn let her know he was pissed and hurt and felt betrayed. He agreed to let it go for now but as soon as this was over it would be addressed. Bellamy told her he was worried about making it work with Wonkru under so much strain and that he hated that plan in large part because it would mean her having to interact with the man who'd so badly hurt her.

Silent conversation over, they turned back to Gabriel.

"We'll take Russell," Clarke repeated. "That will free up quite a few of your guards and if the Faithful are planning to break him out they'll have a hell of a lot harder time doing it while he's with us."

Bellamy took it a step further."We'll also ask our people to volunteer to come here. We can't order anyone and invite mutiny on our end, but our currency is bartering. If they see the resources coming from Sanctum and we say the payment is spending some time here I'm confident we'll have takers. Everyone wants to provide for their family. If they think this is how to do it, it'll work."

"Especially for older warriors who'd be resistant to learning a new trade," Clarke nodded to Bellamy, encouraging his plan. "Which are the perfect non-threatening but effective guards we can offer, as we discussed," she directed to Gabriel.

Gabriel stared at the table, deep in thought about their proposal. Bellamy had no idea what he would say until Gabriel started shaking his head. He looked up and glanced back and forth between them, bemused. "You two really are good at this."

Clarke snickered beside him but Bellamy needed to hear Gabriel say it. "So we have a deal?"

"Yes, we have a deal. No more changing the terms, though. I want us to work in open partnership but I need to think about my people first and foremost."

"Which we respect and appreciate. Thank you for being understanding. We'll hold up our end."

"I have no doubt. There is clearly no stopping you, so I'm glad to be in your good graces," Gabriel joked, rising. "I have work to do and I'm sure the same can be said for you. I've already had your truck loaded up with the Jojo berry seeds you need- and yes, Clarke, we can discuss renaming them. I'm open to suggestions. We also have a scavenger who's willing to provide some education; he'll be ready to leave in three days. He wants to be here for his niece's first birthday before he goes, understandably. All we have left to do now is make a plan for Russell's transportation."

"Let's not," Clarke said slowly. "Official plans are too easy to leak and there's no reason to risk his followers finding out what's going on before it's over. When I come for my session next week I'll bring people with me. We won't discuss his transfer with anyone so it will be completely out of the blue. The Faithful won't have the chance to do anything about it."

After agreeing and a brief farewell, Bellamy and Clarke were in the Rover and pulling out of Sanctum.

"So. You're planning on leaving us. Without any warning. Again."

"I would have told you first."

"Wow, Clarke. Thank you. Your generosity is overwhelming. When were you planning on telling me? When are you leaving us for Sanctum? You're seriously going to go run that place with Gabriel instead of Wonkru with Madi and me? That's what you want?"

"Bellamy..." Clarke scratched at her brow. "I'm not going to leave until our plan is done; it's not like it's tomorrow. And it's not what it sounds like. I'm going to stop by Sanctum to lend Gabriel a hand for a little bit and he's going to teach me how to live off the land while I'm there. He's given me his tent in the woods. I'm going to stay there and I'll still visit Madi when I can. There was no point in telling you all of this before I had to because of how you're about to react right now."

"The murder forest?" Bellamy said far too loudly, Murphy's nickname for it sticking with him. He took a breath to keep himself from yelling but it was hard. "To clarify, you want to leave Wonkru, and Sanctum, to go live alone in the murder forest."

Clarke snorted a little at the name but Bellamy was entirely serious. When she caught the look he was giving her out of the corner of his eye she sighed.

"Yeah, I'm going to go live in the murder forest."

"Why? Why would you do that? Why do you want that?" He couldn't ask enough questions, so lost on what could lead her to make a decision like that.

"Sounds fun," she replied dryly and Bellamy had to take a few more deep breaths. 

He wasn't letting her go without a fight again but he didn't know how to make her see that living alone in the woods wasn't where she belonged when she had a home and a family that loved her waiting. None of it made sense. He couldn't argue for her to stay if he didn't get where she was coming from. 

"Be honest with me, Clarke. Even before we were close we were honest about everything; about the real stuff. I'm not asking you to change how you feel or forgive me, for now, I'm only asking you to level with me so I can understand."

Clarke was silent for a long while and Bellamy tried to be patient. When he thought she wasn't going to answer him he was working through how to keep calmly questioning her so things wouldn't escalate into a full-blown fight, and she thankfully spoke first.

"It's what's best for everyone. I can't stay. I'll fight through the problems with Wonkru to get everything on the right track, I'll fight to help Gabriel bring some law and order to Sanctum, and then I need to go. I want our new world to be peaceful and all that's left of me is fighting. If I stay things are going to go bad and I can't let that happen."

"Please tell me you don't really feel that's true."

"I am, and I don't feel it, I know it. Don't deny that a part of you knows it too. I stopped being 'Clarke' a long time ago. I put everything into fighting for so long and now that's all I am. I did what I had to do and I gave what I had to give and now that's what's left. After everything, that's all that's left. We need-"

He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "What's left of you? What's left?" Bellamy slammed on the breaks, automatically holding an arm out to catch Clarke. When they stopped, dust flying, he threw the Rover into park and swung to face her. "You're out of your damn mind."

"Keep driving. We aren't doing this. I was honest and-"

"We are absolutely doing this. You can't say something like that and expect me to let it go."

"Fine." Clarke's hand had barely left her lap to go for the door handle when Bellamy knew what she was doing and he lunged across her, catching it. Clarke made a noise of annoyance and he grabbed her other wrist, sinking back into his seat holding both, refusing to let her go until he explained how insane she was. "Knock it off, Bellamy."

"Not until you hear that you could not possibly be more wrong."

"You don't-"

"No. Please, listen to me. Yes, I see the fight in you. Your willingness to fight for what's right, for our people, is how we're all alive. That fight doesn't mean violence, Clarke. We've had to go there but that's not what it is. You fight for what you care about, not for the sake of fighting, and it has always, always come from what a good person you are; how kind and strong you've always been, from the start. I haven't seen past my own issues more than once and missed that in the moment but I have always remembered because you show me over and over. You're empathetic and generous, and so damn smart, and way too willing to put other people and their needs ahead of yours. You're passionate about friggin' everything but sacrifice how you feel and put logic first to help as many people as you can. You're fierce, and determined, and nurturing, and charming as hell. Now, here, not even counting the past, you've got Gabriel, Diyoza, Cathrine and RJ wrapped around your finger. That's quite the spectrum and it doesn't surprise me at all.

"I know you enough to know you aren't going to believe what I'm saying even though I mean it. You don't have to. Stay, please, and I'll prove it. If you can't see yourself clearly, let me show you. In the meantime, right now and until you know how much more you are, know at least that we're what's left. You have me, and Madi, and all of our friends, and all of our people. All of the people you put yourself in danger to save in Sanctum. You've given so much of yourself and we're carrying those pieces; we wouldn't be here without them. So that's what you can see for now. Your legacy is us. We're all yours. We can be proof of how much of you is left."

When he started talking he couldn't stop and by the time he was done he was breathless. Clarke was just blinking at him, stunned. 

Then, without a specific prompt but perfect mutual understanding, they both lunged and met in the middle for a teeth-rattling hug. Bellamy knew he didn't have to worry about holding back with Clarke and clutched her hard as he buried his face into her neck. He hugged her down to his fingertips, resulting in the back of her shirt balling up in his white knuckle fists. The cramped space and the awkward gap between their seats and the bulky radio did not detract from the fact that Clarke was hugging him back and he would have stayed twisted up for a lot longer than their already lengthy hug if she'd been willing.

When they pulled apart they smiled - still a little hesitant and restrained - at each other and Bellamy felt an enormous weight lift off his chest. He knew they weren't where they needed to be yet. They had a journey ahead of them to get there and to get Clarke to understand her blatantly priceless value. But for now, she had hugged him.

Clarke turned to face the road ahead and after a brief pause appreciating her familiar profile, Bellamy did the same. He'd said what he needed most to say so he didn't press her further. She pulled out the work she'd brought and he gave her the quiet space she needed to do it while he focused on getting them home.


	17. Clarke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Sorry, there's a lot to say this time.)
> 
> STORY NOTE:  
> \- This chapter is about as trigger-warn-ey as we'll get.   
> \- Please note that I placed a "**" at the beginning and end of a section that may be slightly upsetting (see below for spoilers to determine your comfort level.) It will be summed up from Bellamy's perspective next chapter (which is already mostly done so there won't be much of a wait) so plot-wise you won't miss anything vital. The content post "**" does start the scene for the next chapter so I recommend scrolling to that to stay in the loop, if you'd like.  
> \- [[Spoiler warning...]] The incident that may be uncomfortable is a situation in which someone is violent and, while there is no sexual behavior, sexual violence is implied. That will not be happening, by any means or ever, I just want to give a clear heads up to make sure everybody feels ok.
> 
> PERSONAL NOTE:  
> Hi, favorite people! Sorry for the delay. This whole time I've had an idea of where I wanted the story to go but I was winging it. I got inspired by some stuff and did an actual outline, which resulted in already writing (many) scenes we're not even at yet. For instance, I'm excited for your feedback on the beginning of Chapter 22! I'm hoping this will make getting more out easier and faster in the long haul. I appreciate you so much and am so so grateful and eternally amazed you're still reading. Thank you for all the kind comments that have kept this going.

Clarke stared. Simply stared. 

Maybe... Maybe this was real.

Not real-real, obviously. The things he said were absurd. That said... She had accepted the other day that he cared. There was no question about that but they'd been through so much that it made sense, even though it had been a revelation all the same. Now, this, he might just... Like her. As a human being. He might not only care for the sake of caring but because he actually wanted her around despite everything.

She wasn't entirely sure what to make of that. She searched his face, his dark expressive eyes, and ever so slowly began to believe what she was seeing. Bellamy thought he was telling the truth. It was an overwhelming sight, as was hearing what he said, and Bellamy had spoken with the depth of emotion she'd begun to worry he'd lost on The Ring.

Before she even realized what was happening there bodies were colliding. Bellamy hugged her with his usual intensity, his muscles straining under her hands from clutching onto her so hard. Since the first, Bellamy always held her like that; like any second she would vanish into a puff of smoke and the only thing assuring him she was there was his grip. He buried his face into her neck and she could feel every bit of his breath. It brought to mind so many moments between them, the two of them exactly like that, and Clarke squeezed her eyes tight as she memorized this one.

They stayed that way for too long given her feelings for him. There was thankfulness for knowing Bellamy sincerely wanted her in his life as a friend, and then there was torturing herself. This hug was dabbling with the line. If they were ever going to function as friends again them she needed to perfect finding and sticking to a solid boundary between the two. The end of hugs was necessary, as unfortunate as it was. They brought too much out in her. Knowing he was there was enough.

When their hug ended they smiled at one another, Clarke doing her best though she was still battling accepting everything that had just happened. He looked so happy and hopeful it got a little easier. 

She still didn't fully forgive him, she still didn't trust him anything like she had before, and she certainly could never forget. They were never going to be what they were, and she was still leaving when their plan was finished. However, they were going to be ok in some form or fashion. Despite her complete certainty that would never be the case, they were. Bellamy and his hardheaded dedication had struck again. Clarke simply wasn't built to forever sever ties with the good, sincere, well-intentioned idiot.

Digging through her bag when she faced forward, Clarke shifted around the textbooks she'd borrowed from Gabriel to pull out her census data to quadruple check it. That man was a gift that kept on giving and she was eternally grateful. She would have done her best to figure it out on her own but some light doctorate level reading seemed like the best place to start making a plan to help Miller. 

Bellamy let her work in peace and the time flew by on their return trip, getting lost in her plans and every now and then subtly glancing at Bellamy to appreciate his profile.

He'd come through for her in Sanctum. He had helped her during her treatment, and though it had been hard to hear him sing the words 'you'll never know dear, how much I love you,' on repeat looking into her eyes, she wouldn't have wanted it any other way. Gabriel had brought it up passively over breakfast and Clarke had been embarrassed but touched by her friend clearly seeing how she felt about it and made it clear yet again he was there when she was ready to acknowledge it. She couldn't imagine that, but it was a sweet gesture. Also, despite Bellamy's feelings about her plan, when she'd needed him to back her up on the solution to handle the politics of it all he'd not only begrudgingly agreed but improved it on the spot. Not to mention she'd woken up to find him comatose beside her. He'd dropped so abruptly - probably from drinking because he didn't sleep like that otherwise - he hadn't even taken the time to get off his shoes but had still managed to find and keep his hand where she needed him throughout the night.

When they pulled into the Wonkru garage and found the place not on fire, Clarke tentatively offered to let Bellamy join her talking to Madi. 

Clarke knew that was how he'd really gotten her to soften towards him. Their ride to Sanctum had been unproductive getting any work done but she'd felt more comfortable around Bellamy than she had in ages. She'd long known Madi had a new and improved family in Wonkru and that she didn't really need Clarke anymore. But the way Bellamy talked about... It was clear how Madi was rightfully loved by everyone. But the way Bellamy talked about it, it was like those were all wonderful things for them to celebrate but none of it superseded how they were raising her. And they were. Bellamy dropping 'I'm not her father' in their talk in no way made him sound less parental about taking care of Madi. It was a comfort that when Clarke left there would be someone to step into that role.

Given their schedule - which she also found touchingly thoughtful of him to not only put into place but share with her to alleviate fears she had about Madi's safety - they headed for the secret training field in the nearby woods. Again, something he'd done beyond and above what she'd ask of him. 

The sounds of Madi and Octavia fighting could be heard before they were in sight. She and Octavia still hadn't made things right - well, more like hadn't spoken much at all - but Clarke was grateful Madi had such a competent teacher. No one was fiercer than Octavia and Bellamy's report made it clear there was no one who could have taken on the responsibility of training her with more dedication.

When they broke the treeline Bellamy and Clarke stayed silent, not wanting to distract the combatants mid-fight. As they watched they shared several impressed and proud glances. Octavia was holding back, naturally, but it looked like Madi could possibly hold her own against a regular opponent. The session ended when Octavia made a point of Madi's misuse of stance as they fought by kicking her leg out from under her. 

Clarke winced at the thud of Madi hitting the ground but couldn't be angry about it. She knew better than anyone that learning lessons the hard way was what made someone strong and she wanted Madi to be as strong as possible. Better a bruise now than having her throat cut later.

Octavia spotted them when she went to take a drink from her waterskin and tilted her head in greeting. "Bell, Clarke. To what do we owe this pleasure?"

"We need to borrow Madi for a minute," Bellamy explained as he hugged his sister.

"Fine, but only a minute," Octavia said with a teasing smile, lighter than anything Clarke had seen from her in a long time.

When she began to walk away, Clarke took a few steps after her, touching her shoulder. Octavia automatically spun out of arms reach until she realized it was Clarke. "Thank you. For training Madi. And looking after her. I owe you."

"You don't owe me a damn thing," Octavia told her gravely but not harshly. She ruffled Madi's hair as they passed one another, Octavia leaving as Madi arrived.

"Hi!" Clarke barely braced herself in time for Madi's hug and felt Bellamy's hand on her back like he was planning on catching them if they went down. "Did you see how long I lasted? I mean, the end sucked but I last a lot longer than I used to so that has to count for something, right?"

"That counts for everything," Clarke told her, kissing the crown of her daughter's sweaty little head. "I'm proud of you."

"You look great out there. I don't want you to need to use it a day in your life, but if you do, I feel bad for the other guy," Bellamy said, ready for his own Madi hug when it came.

"Sorry for interrupting but I think we need to talk sooner rather than later." 

Bellamy used the hand still on her back and the arm wrapped around Madi's shoulders from their hug to lead them to the nearby boulder all of Octavia and Madi's things were piled on. Madi promptly hopped up onto the curve that created a natural seat and swung her legs, making Clarke smile.

"This isn't easy for me to say but I wish I'd done it sooner," Clarke started off with, taking Madi's hands in her own. "I'm sorry I haven't explained what's been going on with me. I love you so much, and I don't want you to worry, but I... I need to accept that even though you will always be my child, after everything that's happened you aren't only my little girl anymore. I want to be honest with you but please forgive me if it takes me a moment sometimes."

Madi nodded, riveted on her face. Clarke hadn't appreciated fully how much Madi had been craving the truth from her until then and was sad she hadn't.

"I've been sick. What happened with Josephine caused some problems and I should have admitted it sooner. Instead, I kept it to myself and didn't get the help I needed. By the time I was ready to ask for help, it was worse than it needed to be." Clarke couldn't help but temper her confession with mom-advice. She wanted Madi to learn from her mistakes. And she had so much left to learn; Clarke had made plenty and was still making them. "I went to Gabriel and I'm already much better. Soon everything will be back to normal. I knew that was going to be the case so I didn't want to worry you and I'm sorry I may have scared you. That's the last thing I want."

"Is what's wrong why you've been so sad? Why you won't talk to anybody but me?"

Honesty. She needed her daughter to trust her. "Maybe a little. But mostly, no. I... I miss my mom." A partial truth was still the truth. "I still do, but everything is going to be ok. I'm going to be fine."

Madi looked over Clarke's shoulder at Bellamy and it hurt that she'd damaged Madi's ability to believe her to the point she wanted him to verify what she was saying. She was also glad she allowed Bellamy to be there because he rubbed the hand he'd left on her back in comfort, clearly getting how much that pained her, and met Madi's eyes. "She's going to be ok, really. I promise. We've got this."

She studied them, back and forth, and then nodded. "Ok. But please, Clarke, I know you don't want to worry me but please tell me things even if it's hard. We're supposed to be a team."

"We are," Clarke confirmed, refusing to get choked up though the potential was there, "always. I promise I'll try to do better. Now, I've kept you from your training long enough. Go show Octavia how it's done."

Madi grinned wildly at that and dropped out of her seat. "Thank you! Love you! See you tonight!" Madi called over her shoulder, bolting to where Octavia had started twirling a spear nearby.

"That went well." Bellamy finally dropped his hold and grinned down at her. "She's a good kid. You raised her right. She just worries."

"That's supposed to be my job," Clarke grumbled as they left.

"She's too much like you not to, so we better get used to it. We've got a Little Clarke on our hands."

"Oh god," Clarke said with utter horror. 

Bellamy must have thought she was joking because he laughed. "It won't be so bad. At least we know what to expect. Poor Abby and Kane never saw us coming. Trying to ground the Heda might be a challenge but I think we'll figure-"

"No, really. We can't... We can't let that happen. She can't be like me." All of Clarke's nightmares started to surface and it felt like her heart was skipping beats. Bellamy couldn't know what he'd said was her worst fear.

"Hey, hey," Bellamy started rubbing her back again as they left the woods, "There's nothing wrong with you and there's nothing wrong with Madi. Chill, princess. Everything's alright."

Clarke worked through a swallow. Madi was growing up surrounded by good people. When Clarke left it would be only good people. She repeated that mantra desperately in her mind in order to keep calm. Madi wasn't going to grow up barely surviving, leading a war, making herself into a monster. Clarke was going to make the world safer for her before she left. Then Clarke wouldn't be there to ruin it or hurt Madi or badly influence her. She was going to be ok once Clarke left.

"Did you talk to Jordan at all when you've been in Sanctum?" Bellamy asked out of the blue, pulling her out of her circling thoughts.

She frowned, focusing on that instead. "No. Why?"

"I saw him, at the tavern with some of his friends, and I don't know... He seemed... I wish he would come home. He seemed off to me."

"He lost someone important to him. It would be weird if he wasn't off. You said he was with friends?"Bellamy nodded and Clarke tried not to be jealous of Jordan. "So he has support. When I go back I'll find him; check-in. I'm glad you said something. We should touch base to let him know we're here and he has a home waiting for him, but if he has people he's comfortable with we shouldn't pressure him to choose us over them. I'm worried about him too but he deserves to heal his own way and in his own time."

As they kept walking Clarke felt Bellamy's eyes on the side of her face and knew she'd put too much into her explanation. He knew her too well to not catch she was speaking from her own experience.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there to support you. I wanted to be. I made a bad call, thinking you needed space. I should have checked in with you and let you know you had a home and people waiting for you. You deserve to heal your own way in your own time too. If you want to talk about it, if there's anything I can do to help, please tell me."

He followed her advice about Jordan, not pressuring her. He kept walking as he spoke and his tone was casual. It was... nice. He didn't push the issue further, making her uncomfortable. He just said it. Clarke only nodded to acknowledge she heard him, at a loss of how to thank him for that.

They didn't make it into camp before Bellamy's radio carried Gaia's voice saying, "A problem in the Azgeda camp is getting out of control." 

He took off in that direction and Clarke didn't think twice about doing the same.

When they arrived there was so much shouting she couldn't make anything out until Bellamy got between the two men who were barely being held back from each other's throats, yelling, "Everybody, shut up! What's the problem here?" Everyone started speaking at once and Bellamy shouted for them to be quiet again, pointing at one of the men and saying, "You tell me."

"He's accusing me of being a thief! As if I don't have better-" Bellamy held up a hand and the man stopped, then pointed at the other party to hear his side.

"This thief told me how much he liked my coat and now it's gone. He has it. I always knew he-" Bellamy cut him off as well, turning back to the first man.

"Do you have his coat?"

"No! I said that to be nice because the jackass is proud of that ugly thing. I wouldn't take his flea-infested coat if he offered it to me, let alone steal it."

"Liar!"

"Stop." Bellamy said it with such command both fell silent again even while nearly foaming at the mouth they were so angry. "We're searching your things," he said to the accused.

"The hell you are! I'm not a thief and I deserve-"

"You don't deserve it if you're innocent; that's true. We are going to search your things anyway. If we don't find anything, you," he turned to the accuser, "are going to stop saying he has your coat."

"But he does!" The man started thrashing again and Clarke knew their plan to change things couldn't come a moment too soon. It wasn't even cold out; this was all out of proximity and boredom.

"Gaia, please search this man's tent."

Bellamy kept at it, staying neutral and going back and forth with both parties. By the time it was over the coat had not been recovered but there was no pending brawl over it.

"Well done, Mr. Arbitrator," she said as they walked away side by side, sharing an amused side-eye.

"Never picking a side and never stopping them halfway, so it lingers, until they calm down works every time. Some just take longer than others. I think I've had to do it so many times by now it's more reflex than anything. We can't have fighting here so I have to keep them calm and do it but it sure is a waste of time."

"You're good at it. I wouldn't have handled it that patiently. I'm impressed."

Bellamy's lips compressed into a pleased, self-conscious grin. Clarke tried not to tease him about his deescalation tactics so he could enjoy the compliment he was clearly taking to heart.

Clarke knew she shouldn't, but she stayed with him the nearly two hours until the planned strategy meeting with the others and started to get some perspective on what he'd been dealing with. He was holding everything together but by a thread. Since there was no clear structure yet, the whole place was a hive of contained chaos. There was only so much of him to go around and a hundred tasks, big and small, that someone needed to be responsible for. She was proud of him and that he was managing so well on his own, as overwhelming as the workload must be.

"I got this. I'll see you soon," she told him when they were made aware of an incident at the Eligius scrapping yard. Bellamy said 'thank you' in such extreme relief as he took off it was sad. She stayed with the two older women discussing and projecting the use of Wonkru's rations to account for the - hopefully soon - influx of food coming from having their own fields. They could get by with what they had for now but the protein options were getting low and Clarke told them not to skimp providing it, recalling with relief that a scavenger from Sanctum would be on the way soon to help them address that. After they were done she hunted down Simon and Lydia out in the fields where they were finishing marking the lay of the land to discuss in further detail realistic harvest expectations.

By the time she was done, she was running late to the meeting. When she arrived everyone was waiting and she was quick to get on with it. There was little left to discuss as almost everything was ready, so much of the feedback from the others was simply touching base about their respective tasks. Reviewing it all Clarke was glad to say they were nearly ready to launch, only a few last puzzle pieces were needed for everything to start clicking into place. There was also the matter of...

"No. No way," Murphy said emphatically. "No freakin' way."

Raven was equally upset. "As much as I hate to agree with Murphy; that's 100% not happening."

"We've got to do it. It's already been agreed to," Bellamy told them. "Indra, when do you think it can be done by? Is there any way it can be next week?"

"A jail cell, yes. A jail cell escape-proof and uncomfortable enough for Russel Lightborne? That might be a harder order but I assure you it will be taken care of."

"I'll rework the guard rotation," Miller told them. "See if there is any way to get more volunteers we can trust. I want the little box we shove him into to have someone armed every inch or two around it."

Clarke tried to remain emotionless, knowing all eyes were on her. "Thank you. Keeping him here and away from the Faithful faction in Sanctum is a high priority. We also need to be aware that the Faithful are going to use our training program to follow him. I'm sure of it. That said, we can take advantage of their excuse for being here by using them to train more people faster. They haven't tried to break him out where he is captive now but we need to be prepared and careful in case that changes. If they do they will be outnumbered, we're on our own turf, and it goes without saying our warriors are much, much better. I'm not overly concerned. As is, we need to provide for our coming visitors. For now, I have Lydia and Simon set up in Jordan's house and someone else is already on the way. We need to figure out what to do with them, quickly."

By the time they were done nearly everyone had fresh task lists. Her vision so nearly realized, as she left everywhere Clarke looked she saw what things would be like outlined over what was. Wonkru was going to be so beautiful, and peaceful. She'd have to ask Gabriel if there were any poppy-esque plants on Alpha. She and Madi's favorite field in Shadow Valley had been filled with them every early summer. When they were done Clarke would make Madi a window box to grow them in.

One of those loose puzzle pieces she was waiting on was outside sharpening her knife when Clarke arrived. "Diyoza."

"Wanheda." Diyoza's smile was both wicked and delighted. "Finally heard all the stories. Gotta say: big fan of your work.

Clarke would never show weakness around Diyoza but felt a hard kick of guilt. Then she heard Murphy's droll voice saying, 'start owning that shit.' "Jealous my kill count's bigger?"

"Eh, it's not about the size, it's what you do with it. Or at least that's what the fellas all say," Diyoza winked and Clarke's defensiveness began melting as she struggled not to laugh. "So why am I being graced with your presence? For some strange reason I don't think it's girl-talk."

"Good guess. I want to check in with you about watching out for Madi. I know Hope will be-"

"Will not be a problem. I've got it all sorted out. I won't be able to have my eyes on your kid 24/7, so I'm having RJ be my alternate. My eight hours of shut-eye he'll be watching Madi, and he'll be watching Hope while I am. Madi will need to be understanding when I have to drop by to feed the little tyke, but if that's cool, we're good to go. "

"I'm grateful to hear it but worried how long that will last. It's fine to think it now but when it comes to leaving your baby all day every day you might start feeling differently."

"Look," Diyoza leaned closer, murmuring, "I see things, and I know enough about you to get that something is about to go down, which is why you need me up and at 'em ASAP. You're about to shake things up and it could get messy. I know we want the same kind of lives for our kids, so I'm guessing the other side of whatever this is will be good for them. I'm willing to put in however many hours and however much effort it's gonna take to make that happen."

They exchanged a long stare of mutual understanding. They were going to make this world a place their girls wouldn't grow up to be like them and there were no limits on what they'd do to ensure that.

"You must trust RJ more than I realized to leave Hope with him so much." 'And leave my daughter's safety in his hands,' she mentally added.

"No one else I'd feel better handing her over to. RJ takes looking after people very, very seriously." 'Your kid will be fine,' Diyoza responded without words, eyes flashing in amusement. "He's a good guy, and despite looking like a linebacker on steroids, he's a big, sweet ol' puppy down deep and he imprints like a little lost duck."

"How'd such a good guy end up on the Eligius?"

Diyoza knew why she was asking. "I'm not handing our kids over to a psychopath, Clarke. Give me some credit. If you want his file, all you gotta do is ask. Hell, he'll tell you the gory details himself if you ask. Got a real self-loathing thing going on under all the charm, poor kid." She tsked and then started dryly rattling the guy's past off outside the med tent while Clarke glanced around, the one worried someone would hear. "To say he came from a broken home is an insult to broken homes; some real bad stuff went down. A gang used the idea of being like family to lure him in, which went about as well as you'd expect. When I say he has a real strong loyal and protective side, I mean it. Real, real strong. It was easy to get him to do their dirtiest work. That's also why we're solid having him play nanny. It'll be good for him. Sense of family; getting to take care of little ones. And he'll easily rip someone limb from limb if they take a wrong step towards the girls. Fun times and good news all around."

Clarke nodded tightly. If Diyoza trusted him with Hope she'd tentatively try to trust him with Madi. The more the merrier when it came to keeping her safe. "Great. Where is he?"

Diyoza jerked her head into the tent. "Giving me a little break from being a walking, talking milk-dispenser. Tell him to bring her out? Time's about up anyway before the screaming starts."

Clarke didn't make it far into the tent before pausing, grinning from ear-to-ear. Premature, fragile Hope fit almost completely in the single hand RJ was cradling her in where he sat, the other hand boop-ing her nose. He was making ridiculous nonsense sounds and for the first time in a long time, Clarke felt the impulse to draw. She wanted to capture this moment for Hope to appreciate when she was older. Diyoza was right about his instincts because as soon as RJ felt Clarke's presence he tensed, curling around the baby until he realized who it was. 

"Well hey there, hero," he greeted. He tilted his head towards Hope. "Just getting in some quality time with my little homie. Can you believe how cute she is?" He didn't give her a chance to answer, beaming. "Diyoza told me I get to watch her all the time, and mentioned your girl. She also said your daughter isn't only a kid, she's somebody fancy? Figures, what with you and all. Whenever you got the time I'd like to talk about it. Maybe meet her? I know I look... I don't wanna scare her. Maybe if we meet before I'm following her around everywhere it'll help? Whatever's good for you. I told you I'd pay you two back for giving me a second chance. This isn't even a payment, it's a privilege, but I promise you I'll take a bullet for your kid. No questions asked. I think if we-"

"RJ, RJ," Clarke held her hand up to stop him. There was no telling how long he would have kept on going, falling back into a brilliant smile as soon as he quieted. "Diyoza said she'd like you to bring Hope out to her. And I'd like a chance to talk with you too. Do you feel up for a walk?"

"Yes, ma'am. Sounds great. Give me a-" He got to his feet with dramatic care while holding the baby, found a swath of cloth, and brought her to her mother. "One bundle of joy and one burping bib. I'm gonna head out with Clarke real quick. Either of you need anything?"

"We're fine. Stop hovering." Diyoza said with false annoyance, shooing RJ away.

"So. Diyoza said your daughter's name is Madi? She didn't get into why-"

Clarke started leading RJ towards the marketplace on a whim. "I'm grateful for your enthusiasm and I'm going to answer all your questions but first we need to circle back to you taking a bullet. I had Madi send some of our people to go up to your old camp to deal with the dead and recover the gun but there wasn't one. Do you know who shot you? Could one of the guys that came here with you have it? We need to locate it and get it locked away, now."

He regretfully told her he didn't. "As soon as everything started going down I went looking for Diyoza. She'd already killed three of the crazed guys by the time I found her but one of them got in that stab wound to her side. I hauled her off to hide until it was over and when I was running felt it hit me. I didn't bother to look, I just ran faster. I'm sorry. If I'd thought about-"

"Don't be sorry. Thank you for what you did. We'll keep searching."

RJ nodded, still seeming guilty but mostly curious as he people-watched. The market had become the social center of camp between mealtimes. Clarke realized he probably hadn't seen most of Wonkru and noted to herself someone needed to familiarize him with the place before he was on Madi-duty. Shrugging off the quality button-up overshirt she'd gotten from Josephine she led him to a table of odds and ends she'd spied before.

"Wanheda," the man sitting by it greeted, standing only to bow his head deeply. Clarke shifted a in discomfort and RJ must have noticed because he huffed in quiet laughter beside her, earning himself a whack with the back of her hand on his chest. 

"Hello," she dipped in equal respect towards the man and he flushed. "I'm interested in the pages and charcoal you've got. How much of it can I get with-" When she started handing him the shirt for inspection the merchant backed away, hands up to refuse it.

"No, no, please. Take it all."

Did he really think she was going to kill him over some paper? She couldn't blame him but it was tough to bear the thought all the same. "Really, I insist on paying-"

"My wife and sons made it across the stars with me. Their safe passage is payment enough. Anything, anything at all, please help yourself."

"I... You don't owe me for that." Clearly the man didn't realize they'd needed saving because of her. "No one owes me anything. Please, I-"

"Not to say I told you so," Murphy said as he drew near, Emori by his side, obviously having overheard her conversation, "but I absolutely told you so. Don't be rude, Wanheda. Take the nice man's offering and say thank you."

"Shut up Murphy," Clarke said with a glare but ultimately did exactly that, guilty when the man handed her the items, all the paper and charcoal he had, with gratitude. 

"I heard you were a hero-hero when I was in the recovery but I guess I didn't really get it til now," RJ chuckled, still deeply amused by her awkwardness, before turning to Murphy and Emori. "Never got the chance to properly meet you. RJ."

"A pleasure," Murphy said dryly before introducing himself and Emori. Before the pretense of small talk could start, Murphy got to the point. "I've got a bone to pick with you. Russel? Really? Clarke, that is a groundbreakingly bad idea. Not only for your sake - and that's more than enough - but for Wonkru's. Having him here is asking for trouble and we've already got plenty."

"We need resources from Sanctum and they need us for this. It's not like we have to interact with him. Once he's locked up we can throw away the key and go about our business."

"You can't think that's true."

Clarke rubbed her forehead in frustration. No. No, she didn't. That didn't change what needed to be done. Arguing for something to happen when she desperately wanted it not to was an art form she'd perfected. That didn't make it feel any easier.

"Is this top-secret information or can I- Not trying to get in your business, only wondering if I can help. Like I said, I owe you."

People misplacing debt she didn't deserve was an issue she wanted to resolve but wasn't sure how without making Madi look bad by associating with her. She'd add that to the list of things she needed to figure out. "No, thank you, and no, it's not a secret. Everyone will know soon. We're... Uh..." She cleared her throat. "We're going to..."

Murphy arched a brow. "If you can't say it we probably shouldn't be doing it."

"Oh, is that a rule you live by?"

"Sure. But then, I'm willing to say anything. For instance, 'run out into the Red Sun,' 'rob everyone,' and 'don't bring Russel here.' You seriously don't have to do this."

"We made a deal, so yeah, we do." Clarke mentally squared her shoulders but pointedly kept her actual posture loose. She laid it out for RJ as short and appropriately horrible as she could. "We'll be taking custody of the man responsible for killing my mother, trying to kill me, causing the torture and near-death of my daughter, and almost burning all of my friends alive at the stake, amongst other things. People are upset about him coming here, understandably. It's not like I'm thrilled but it has to be done, so we're doing it."

RJ's relaxed, jovial expression was gone in an instant, leaving... Nothing. He was disturbingly blank. The only hint of what he might be thinking was in his voice, which came out lethally both calm and enraged. "And when is he arriving? Where will he be?"

Clarke shared wide-eyed looks with both Emori and Murphy. Diyoza had vouched for this guy. She'd said he was a puppy. At that moment he seemed like a wolf.

"RJ, we are not killing him," Clarke said cautiously. She still didn't think he would hurt her but she waved Murphy and Emori back in case she was wrong, which neither of them listened to. "I need him alive; we're holding him as leverage. If he dies people in Sanctum will revolt and I can't fight that battle right now. Promise me you won't hurt him."

His eyes, so very slowly, began to look clear. "Don't hurt him?"

"Yes. I'm asking you not to hurt him. Promise me."

"Don't hurt him," RJ repeated to himself in a whisper, nodding, continuing to return from his out-of-body experience. He focused on Clarke. "I promise you. I won't hurt him. You're a... Nice lady," RJ forced out with what sounded like near tearful gratitude, then started shaking his head to escape the remnants of whatever had possessed him.

There was a long pause. RJ was himself enough to look ashamed and embarrassed, while the rest of them stared between him and each other. 

Emori broke the silence. "Ok, so, I'll take one for the team and say it: what the hell was that?"

"I, uh..." Now Clarke could see the puppy Diyoza had been talking about. He looked like one that had been kicked. He directed his answer mostly at her. "I have this, uh, problem. That's how I got..." He tugged on his jumpsuit, which reminded Clarke to get him new clothes. "When I feel like my people... I go to this place in my head. I can't stop it. I tried, I swear. When I think I gotta... When my people are... It's like I can't see anything else...I swear I've tried not to. I don't even recognize myself when I'm like that. I'm sorry. I'm truly am sorry. It won't be a problem, I swear."

"Well aren't you a pair," Murphy chuckled, shutting up when Emori pushed him.

"RJ, don't take this the wrong way, but that is a huge problem. You recognize yourself now so I'm asking you to be honest with me. Do I have to worry about what you're going to do when people piss you off or, I don't know, shove someone you care about? Because I can't have that."

"No, no, I promise you, it's not like that. I'd tell you if it was, I swear. I don't want to hurt anybody ever, especially not all of you. This whole place is my people now. When I was in a gang, then on the Eligius, they... No matter what any of them did to me, each other, they were my people. I'd only get involved when the boss-man told me to. I promise I won't cause any problems. I'm not gonna fight with anybody, and I'm going to listen to only you, and you're a nice lady. If you'll still let me watch the girls I'll only do what you say, I swear, I won't go further than you tell me keeping them safe, I'll never hurt them, ever, I'll look out for them no-"

"RJ, hey, hey," Clarke cut him off as she had before. Only, instead of non-stop chattiness from happiness, this one was of panic. "Calm down. You're alright. I'm not going to make you leave and I'm not saying you can't protect Madi and Hope. We need to talk a lot more before that starts but I'm not telling you 'no' right now. Take a breath."

He did exactly that, gulping, then took another. "I'm really sorry."

"Yeah, we kinda got the message," Murphy said. He and Emori had already lost their expressions of startled concern, Emori going so far as seeming pleased.

"It'll be dinner soon. Have you eaten yet?" she asked, smiling.

"No, ma'am."

"Emori, please. And good, you can come with us. I want to hear about Earth before the bombs dropped. Is it true that there was-"

"You guys go ahead. I'm going to drop this at my place." Clarke held up her armload of art supplies and waved them off. They walked away together, RJ still seeming nervous but visibly relaxing more and more with every word Murphy and Emori spoke.

Clarke started for her place deep in thought. There was no denying RJ's response deeply concerned her. That said, Diyoza had known him a long time in extreme conditions and was completely comfortable leaving him with Hope. His reaction must have been what she meant when she said he had a 'real, real strong' protective side, though she would be having a conversation with her later about not elaborating on that. Her statement that he'd be willing to tear someone apart if they tried to hurt the girls he felt responsible for seemed more literal, which was terrifying and mostly comforting. Emori and Murphy seemed to accept his answer and they were far better judges of character than she'd ever been.

Still thinking through how to respond to what happened, Clarke threw open her door and was halfway to her room when she realized she wasn't alone. 

**  
Before she could react a fist was already slamming into her jaw and she ducked away from the next swing, kicking out towards whoever was attacking her. Their scuffle was so fast-paced it took a moment to place who the man was. The tattoos from neck to fingertips gave it away. It was the guy from the Eligius. The one that had gotten a little too familiar with her and had, in theory, learned his lesson. Clarke gave as good as she got in their fight until he managed to catch both an arm and a leg at once, using them to pick her up and throw her across the room.

In the dazed moment before she popped back up she thought 'Bellamy was right about the door' and 'I'm never telling him that.' As she began getting to her feet she stopped, her next thought being, 'well at least I found the gun.'

"Been waiting here for you a while. Started to worry I was going to have to lure you out of here with that kid of yours."

"Don't you dare even-" Before she could finish her threat she started lunging and a shot went off.

The bullet grazed her leg as she went back down, enough to have her decently bleeding but not enough to need medical attention at the moment. "I want you to walk your pretty ass out of here with me. Next time it won't be your leg and it won't be so soft and sweet. I don't need your arms for anything." The man aimed for her arm socket and Clarke nodded, getting the point. He was a dead shot. He'd wounded her exactly as much as he wanted to and he would again, as much as he wanted, when he felt like it.

When he commanded her to get to her feet Clarke obeyed slowly, looking for any opening but he gave her none. He'd startled her before, but then Clarke had fought back only on instinct. She always did better when she could think out her attack. She just had to last long enough for him to slip up. As he ordered her to face the wall and felt the pressure of the gun against her spine she began to worry. So far he'd given her nothing to work with and she didn't want to last too long in his hands.

He clearly had some experience with hostages. When he grabbed her the man didn't hold her in front of him or have his arm wrapped around her chest to hold her close. No, this guy wrapped his whole arm around her throat, strangling her between his bicep and forearm, his height leaving her on her tiptoes and unable to gain any stability to fight back or get in a good kick. The gun pressed hard and directly to her temple was pretty effective too. There was no waving it around or gesturing. He was perfectly aware what he was doing.

When he started talking he sounded wistful and all the crazier for it. "You know, soon as my finger was back in place, they told me people call you the Commander of Death. I knew I had to have you. I might be in love with you, Clarke. How do you feel about that? Never been before so I can't be sure but I can't stop thinking about your soft hair and when you held that knife on me. It's been so, so easy killing people for so long. I haven't had any kind of challenge since I was a wee boy. Then you come strolling up, my perfect blonde pretty girl, thinking you're tough. Fucking up my finger when I underestimated you. You would have cut my eye out for barely touching you. God, I knew you were made for me. Just for me. I think taming you, or killing you, will finally be a challenge. Proved that to me again right now. I didn't want to fire my gun and draw attention, never would have needed to before, but my lady made me do it. Now we're gonna walk out of here, and there's gonna be people waiting, and I'll probably have to kill at least a few of them, and it will be because my old lady made me do it." He giggled darkly. "Thanks, babe. You're the best."

When they made it outside Clarke was relieved no one was in sight but they didn't make it far before Echo was yelling nearby, "Over here!" drawing the man's fire.

Clarke began ferally thrashing as soon as the gun was off her temple, unable to reach much but trying to find his eyes behind her head to gouge them out. She hoped it would work but was more interested in getting his gun pointed back at her. Echo had been letting the others know where the shot came from and they were surely about to round that corner. She wanted him to think twice about taking his gun off her for even a second. The latter plan was the one that worked, the man slamming the butt of his pistol on her head and pushing the barrel back to her temple harder than before, now hot enough to hurt on its own and smelling more strongly of gunpowder than before.

Instead of being mad, he chuckled and pecked the place he'd hit her with a kiss. "That's my girl."

"Not in this lifetime you sick-"

Sure enough her friends were approaching them en masse, hands up to show they were unarmed, Clarke starting to wiggle as much as she could in his grasp to keep his desire of where to aim torn. In the front, unsurprisingly, was Bellamy. His face was cut from stone and even in the distance between them, she could tell he was furious. Their friends came to a stop when he did, fanning out in a half-circle around where she and the man had been cut off from exiting the camp.

RJ stepped forward, hands still up nonthreateningly but that eery expression was back; a weapon on its own. "Bones, you gotta let her go. These people are the only way we survive. You gotta-"

"Hey, RJ, you're gonna wanna come over here, man," Murphy said from the sidelines, nodding to the spot next to him in invitation. "It's not a good idea to get between Clarke and Bellamy at moments like this."

"I know this asshole."

"Not the point. Seriously, buddy, you gotta-" Murphy caught the man's jumpsuit sleeve and started tugging him out of the way. 

Murphy wasn't wrong. This was a rare situation she knew she couldn't handle herself, and he meant well, but she couldn't predict what he would do. She wasn't going to risk her life depending on him. With a look of 'go' from Clarke, he reluctantly faded back into the crowd.

"Who are you? What do you want?" Bellamy demanded hoarsely.

"Seems a bit obvious." He tapped the barrel of the gun against Clarke's temple. "Got it right here."

Before anything else could be said Clarke felt her heart stop. Madi had run up and was trying to break through the human wall of their friends, stopped only by Echo quickly throwing out an arm to block her, and then grabbing her around the chest to hold her back.

"Let me go," Madi said as she tried to break free and Clarke was grateful that Echo refused her Heda's order, keeping the girl from danger against her wishes.

Bellamy took a step closer, breaking away from the group. "Give us Clarke and you can take whatever you want. We won't retaliate. Take what you want and go."

"Nope. I have a better idea. I'm going to keep taking whatever I want and I get to keep my sweet little blondie here for insurance and," he pressed his face hard into her hair, inhaling deep, and Clarke hated that Madi was seeing this, "entertainment purposes. Try to stop me and I blow her brains out."

"Kill her and you're a dead man."

"Alright, then don't let us go. We'll die right now, together, and you can bury us side-by-side. How does that sound," he asked, jerking her head closer as Clarke gasped for air. "You and me and eternity. I think I like it. All your friends here have to do is say the word."

Clarke could see Bellamy's struggle and knew what he was thinking. Her kidnapper had the only gun. Any attempt to fight him would get her killed. Bellamy went from assessing their situation to meeting her eyes and she was glad they got a chance to talk it out. 

She told him that letting this guy take her was not on the table. She'd literally rather die. Bellamy didn't like that but she kept communicating with him silently in seconds. They couldn't charge him, they couldn't shoot, and his hold on her made fighting back with her bare fists useless. However... She let go holding onto his arm with one hand, lowering it to subtly hang out of his line of sight. She glanced at it, then back to Bellamy, then Madi, and back to Bellamy. He hated everything about her plan, if one could even call it a plan, but agreed, dragging his gaze back to her kidnapper. 

Distraction was needed. "How do you think this is going to play out, huh? You're going to take some food, take some clothes, take her, and go live in a tree somewhere?" Clarke saw Miller's eyes dart down and knew Bellamy was motioning behind his back. Miller took the cue and slowly started shifting his position. "I'm giving you the chance to leave, free and clear, all you have to do is let her go. You gotta know that's a generous offer."

"It has its perks but I'm good, thanks. I already stocked up everything we need and got our place set up. Now all I need is her. So either you kill us both, right here right now, or you let me go get to breaking the Commander of Death down to a good little wifey."

"That's not happening."

"So kill me," he shrugged, lifting Clarke's whole weight off the ground with it, making her gag. "I've been as good as dead since they locked me up and shipped me off. All of this? This is just bonus playtime. And I've been bored since the fighting stopped, and this is fun. Maybe I'll give her back-"

Bellamy tossed the knife he'd been inconspicuously pulling out while the guy was focused on hearing himself talk and Clarke caught it. Miller rounded to stand with Echo, between Madi and the fight. Clarke grabbed the gun's barrel with the hand she'd left near it on his arm, jerking it abruptly to hopefully clear her head from the oncoming blast, and stabbed him in rapid succession in the side. He uselessly pulled the trigger and his hold on Clarke loosened enough from pain and surprise that she could breathe, dropping the blade to use both hands to try directing the barrel upward. That allowed Bellamy to close in, all three of them falling to the ground hard in the fight for the weapon he'd been continuously firing. Bellamy managed to trap the man's hand to the ground and Clarke rolled to pick the knife back up.

"Drop it," she told him flatly, pressing the sharp tip beneath his jaw, drawing blood already.

The man seemed stunned, then livid, then started laughing. "Fuck, I love you."

Clarke removed the knifepoint from his throat, punched him in the mouth, and put it back. "I said drop the gun."

He laughed again, turning his head to spit out blood, slicing his own neck across the blade without care. "See? You're made for me. My perfect, dangerous, blonde little girl. Babe, when I get out I'll-"  
**

Bellamy hollered for someone to bring him a rope, drowning out the sound of the maniac's voice, and Murphy was immediately beside them, holding it out. He shot Clarke a wink. She couldn't believe it given the circumstances but she snickered, shaking her head. He'd clearly known how this was going to end from the start and had prepared. Bellamy's grunt distracted them both as he continued to try to peel the gun out of the man's clenched hand.

"May I?" RJ asked from way above them. Clarke didn't know what he meant but saw Bellamy nod at him. With no further warning, RJ lifted his steel-toed mining boot and slammed it down on the hand Bellamy was holding still. The man hissed in pain but held on, at least until RJ's third bone-crushing kick. 

While the man kept yelling declarations of twisted love at her, Bellamy started roughly tying him. Clarke backed off, giving him space. The moment was over but Bellamy's adrenaline spike was not and she could respect that. She knew the feeling well from seeing other people in danger herself. When he had finished, the gag in the man's mouth was bound so tight in might as well be shoved down his throat. 

Bellamy picked up the gun, sliding it into the back waistline of his jeans as he rose, breathing hard and body tense from head to toe. Eyes still a bit wild, he looked around like he was searching for the next threat. Finding none, he finally turned to Clarke and she was ready when he stormed the few feet between them and hugged her so tightly she could physically feel every ounce of his fear, anger, and relief. She clutched him back as hard in comfort, promising she was really there.

An impact to their side let her know Madi had joined them. Bellamy didn't let go, just pulled back enough to include her daughter. The arm he kept wrapped around her shoulders didn't lessen its grip but the one around Madi was more careful and for the first time in the whole ordeal Clarke got truly emotional, grateful for Bellamy being Bellamy. She put an arm around her too and Madi did not share any of Bellamy's concerns about being gentle as she held them both back with all of her might. When neither of them pulled away after a long moment Clarke regretfully knew she had to be the one or they would be there all night.

"Indra," Madi called as soon as they did, voice hard. "Take these two and lock them up." She pointed at Miller and Echo and everyone froze.

Clarke was the first to recover. "Indra, do not touch them. Madi, what the hell are you thinking?"

"I'm Heda. No one gets in my way."

"Excuse me?"

Clarke could make out members of Wonkru start to trickle out from the cover they'd taken, drawn by the action, and head their way. She needed to ensure Madi didn't repeat that order within their earshot or she'd be in the position of outright arguing with the Heda in front of them. She'd been worried the power of her position put Madi under too much pressure; she'd never worried it would go to her sensible kid's head. Madi was no tyrant.

Indicating she was wrong, Madi said mulishly, "I ordered them to move and they defied me."

"They defied- Madi Abigail Griffin, you are going to die happy in your sleep from old age, not from a random shot into a crowd at twelve. Do you understand me? You might be the Commander but I am your mother, and when I tell someone to protect you don't blame them for doing it because they have a right to live and I'll kill them if they don't. As for 'no one getting in your way'-"

"Clarke," Bellamy interrupted, laying a hand on her back. "Maybe give it a minute?"

Their people were still approaching so she didn't think she had a minute to spare, but all the same she turned to Bellamy, then back to Madi. She tried to see through her concerns and sighed. Madi wasn't letting power go to her head. She was a child handling her fear by masking it in anger. That child happened to be extremely powerful. 

"Madi... That's how Lexa died. You know it's how Lexa died. If there wasn't going to be someone between you and that gun I wouldn't have tried to get free. I wouldn't have been able to focus on anything but your safety because I love you so, so much. As much as Bellamy did, Miller and Echo are equally why I'm here with you right now. Tell me you understand that. They did what they had to do so I could handle the problem and now I'm safe. Everything's ok now." 

Madi nodded, the glossy shine of tears beginning to appear in her eyes. The first of their people stopped outside of the ring their friends had unintentionally tightened around them and Clarke tried to not pull her little girl into a hug and run away so they could be alone. Instead, she whispered to Madi, "Everything's ok. We got the bad guy and recovered the missing gun. This is a victory. We won."

Madi got the message and blinked her tears away, taking some deep breaths. Clarke hated, hated, hated making her child bottle her emotions, but this was how she survived. Madi had to be Heda, and the only kind of safe Heda was a strong one. It couldn't be said enough because no truer words could be spoken. The girl nodded when she was calm and turned to face her people, all of them watching her intently.

"It has to be done," Bellamy told her softly as they watched Madi walk forward.

"Doesn't mean I have to like it."

Bellamy nodded and then studied her. "You really ok?"

Clarke forced a smile. "Never better. You?"

He gave a huff of sarcastic, relieved laughter. "Great."

"Thanks for all that."

"No problem. Anytime."

Shoulder to shoulder, they were sharing a long, speaking glance when Madi announced, "For his crimes against Wonkru, this man dies tonight."


	18. Bellamy

Bellamy was mid-conversation with Echo when they heard the gunshot. For a fraction of a second, they stared at one another, eyes big, then started running. 

He headed straight for the mess hall. It was his best guess. It saw the most traffic and was the most likely place for something to go wrong. When they got there everyone was startled but none of them knew where it had come from. Murphy, Emori, and that RJ guy rushed towards him but there wasn't time to waste talking about what was going on.

In unison, he and Echo headed in opposite directions, searching. As he ran the others trailed him, all of them trying to find where the noise had come from with growing anxiety. 

Echo's voice shouting, "Over here!" followed by another shot had Bellamy sprinting with everything he had. Had she been hit? Was she alive? Why had he separated with her? Why hadn't he sent the others with her instead of letting them follow him? Echo would take someone with a gun on alone if she felt like she could win or if someone needed saving, he knew that. Had she tried? Was she dying, another casualty of his stupidity?

Using the new sounds to narrow his search, sliding around Indra's house Bellamy felt light-headed in relief seeing her crouching down, peering around the other side.

"Are you alright? What happened, are-" He quieted when Echo held up her hand, tilting her head to indicate he needed to see what she was seeing. When he did that light-headed feeling turned from pure relief to pure blinding adrenaline watching the scene being played out. 

Clarke was struggling with a man who had her in a chokehold, clawing at his face. When the man used the butt of his gun to hit her he signed his own death warrant.

Bellamy wasn't going to wait to see more. Moving into plain view he started towards them, lifting his hands to show himself unarmed so he could approach. He was dimly aware the others had fallen in and were doing the same but they were the least of his concerns. They were making their own choices and he couldn't blame them if that meant trying to help Clarke. And he'd take all the help he could get, noticing the bruise already forming on Clarke's jaw. Bellamy thought his teeth might crack from clenching them so hard but he kept his hands up and movements slow as he got closer and closer, mind furiously working on how to get her away from him. And just plain furious.

When the man started to back away he stopped, not nearly close enough. Before he could break his jaw open to say anything, her friend, RJ, was stepping in front of him. His voice was something Bellamy could understand, each word sounding like imminent murder. That familiarity didn't stop him from becoming somehow even more on edge, the guy another barrier between him and where Clarke was gasping for air in that son of a bitches hold. Out of focus Murphy said or did something that had RJ moving away and he was grateful. He wanted the man on his side if it came to a brawl but in that moment he needed him the hell out of his way.

Forcing the words, he asked, "Who are you? What do you want?"

"Seems a bit obvious. Got it right here." He tapped the barrel of the gun against the side of Clarke's face. She winced and it was like Bellamy entered another plane of reality, outside of the one they were in, his world dropping away with that unconscious reaction from her. The only thing that tethered him to this one was the desire to get that gun away from her and hearing someone demanding, "Let me go."

Glancing over, Bellamy saw Madi being held back by Echo and his heart skipped several beats. 

"I've got her, get Clarke," Echo mouthed and Bellamy had to take that as assurance enough. Clarke was the one in immediate danger. He trusted Echo enough to know she would put Madi's safety over her Heda's commands.

"Give us Clarke and you can take whatever you want. We won't retaliate. Take what you want and go," Bellamy lied. The man threatened to kill her then and there and Bellamy felt his limbs begin to tremble from staying still when they so badly wanted to react. "Kill her and you're a dead man."

"Alright, then don't let us go. We'll die right now, together, and you can bury us side-by-side. How does that sound?" He jerked Clarke around like a ragdoll, talking to her in an unnervingly affectionate voice. "You and me and eternity. I think I like it. All your friends here have to do is say the word."

As he tried to formulate a plan, Bellamy felt her eyes on him and finally made himself meet them. He'd avoided looking at her head-on because, as predicted, what he saw was enough to almost drive him mad. She was staying calm, because she was Clarke, but he could tell she was secretly scared too. She was scared, and her face was bruised and starting to pinken from extended strangulation, and she told him silently she'd rather die than let that man take her out of camp. The urge to rush them struck, thinking maybe the guy would shoot at him and Clarke could use it as an opportunity to escape, but the guy could easily pull the trigger and kill Clarke. He silently listened to her wishes instead. He reconsidered the option to run at them to draw fire anyway but ultimately agreed with her.

Bellamy wasn't even sure what he was saying as he said it. He kept talking, motioning behind his back to tell Miller to get to Madi. He had no doubt their friend would know what to do when he did. Then he began inconspicuously sliding his knife out, staring blindly at her attacker as if he was paying attention. 

When they acted it was in complete. He tossed Clarke his knife and spared a glance to his side to ensure Miller and Echo were keeping Madi out of the fight. By the time he turned back, Clarke was already shoving the gun towards the sky and Bellamy needed no further opportunity to tackle the man, shifting mid-fall to keep his weight off of Clarke when they landed. The guy had continued to shoot the whole time and Bellamy focused on pinning his hand as Clarke ducked away, returning with his knife. The two of them were exchanging words he half-listened to but he knew getting that gun superseded everything else.

A shadow loomed over him and Bellamy saw it was RJ, the tip of his boot nudging the man's hand. "May I?" Not quite sure what he intended but welcoming the help Bellamy nodded. He nodded again in grim satisfaction when the mountain-sized man put all his strength into stomping down hard. It shockingly took more than one attempt to get the weapon but as soon as he did Bellamy began yelling for rope. There was no mercy in him as he tied the man as roughly as he could.

Getting up, gun secure, that feeling of fear and anger didn't leave him and he tried to convince himself the danger was past. He managed to set it aside upon seeing Clarke. He couldn't get to her fast enough. He scooped her up and put everything into his hold, the movement of her lungs clear from how tightly they were pressed, proof she was really there and really alright. Clarke hugged him back, arms wrapped around his shoulders, and Bellamy squeezed his eyes to add this moment to his clear recollection of every time they'd done exactly what they were doing now. Surviving, comforting, promising, protecting, together.

When Madi joined them it wasn't as hard as he would have thought to remove one arm from Clarke since it was to put it around her. They both held Madi, Madi hugged both of them, and Bellamy didn't ease his death grip of relief from Clarke. She was the one to finally pull away and he felt Madi's reluctance to let her go too.

Looking back and forth between them, unable to stop the compulsive need to keep checking if they were really alright, it took a moment to process what Madi said to Indra.

"I'm Heda. No one gets in my way," she was saying when he fully entered the conversation, causing his brows to rise high. 

"Excuse me?" Clarke's tone was all the warning Madi should have needed about her current course of action but the girl was too upset to hear it. 

He knew the expression Madi wore. Not only from their talk when she had confronted him about Clarke not telling her the truth, but from his own face. He knew exactly what it was like to hide that much fear with the only tool you had handy: anger.

"I ordered them to move and they defied me."

Clarke's eyes narrowed and he wondered how the two of them were going to survive her being a teenager. "They defied- Madi Abigail Griffin, you are going to die happy in your sleep from old age, not from a random shot into a crowd at twelve. Do you understand me? You might be the Commander but I am your mother, and when I tell someone to protect you don't blame them for doing it because they have a right to live and I'll kill them if they don't. As for 'no one getting in your way'-"

Hoping to not get his throat ripped out for intervening in a highly emotional mother-daughter moment, he said, "Clarke, maybe give it a minute?"

She scowled at him but thankfully took his advice. He could practically see the wheels in her head spinning and the moment she identified Madi's behavior for what it was.

"Madi... That's how Lexa died," Clarke said softly. His whole being jolted. He'd heard about the general details of what happened from Murphy - he'd never wanted to bring it up to Clarke and she'd never tried to tell him - but he hadn't even thought about that until now. Bellamy ached for her hearing the tremble in her voice. "You know it's how Lexa died. If there wasn't going to be someone between you and that gun I wouldn't have tried to get free." He shuddered to hear her say that. "I wouldn't have been able to focus on anything but your safety because I love you so, so much. As much as Bellamy did, Miller and Echo are equally why I'm here with you right now. Tell me you understand that. They did what they had to do so I could handle the problem and now I'm safe. Everything's ok now."

Madi accepted her mother's explanation at once. She knew as well as he did how losing Lexa had broken Clarke's heart. Fearing that same thing happening while in danger herself, it was a miracle she'd kept her cool to the extent she did, even for her. Just as Bellamy thought they were ready for the next round of hugs he noticed the Wonkru members approaching and moved aside, not far enough away to miss Clarke whispering to Madi, "Everything's ok. We got the bad guy and recovered the missing gun. This is a victory. We won."

Little Clarke took a few deep breaths, composing herself before their eyes. The face that had held so many emotions and vulnerability hardened so she could turn to face her people. Bellamy in that moment passionately hated everyone staring expectantly at a little girl to lead them.

Then he hated himself even more, remembering he was the one who ultimately did this to her.

Beside him, he felt Clarke's pain and put his self-loathing aside enough to say softly, "It has to be done." They couldn't take back his horrible, horrible mistake. All they could do was handle it together now and he'd do anything to get them through the suffering he'd caused.

"Doesn't mean I have to like it."

There was no arguing that point. Clarke kept her eyes on her daughter so it was easy to search her openly. "You really ok?"

"Never better. You?"

He had to lowly laugh, as forced as it was. She was alright; they were going to be alright. "Great."

"Thanks for all that," she said with a charming, tired, lopsided smile as if she'd ever need to thank him for helping her.

"No problem. Anytime." He didn't know how to remind her it was his self-appointed job. He'd do it anytime, always.

They were sharing a look, Bellamy trying to convey what he didn't know how to put into words, when Madi declared, "For his crimes against Wonkru, this man dies tonight."

Bellamy choked on his own breath. He had assumed they'd discuss that first. They needed to talk about it. The three of them needed to decide together. Not only was he concerned they were already back to deciding whether people lived or not, he was concerned Madi was the one giving that order without someone to help shoulder the burden. Killing a prisoner, no matter how vile, was easier said than done.

He and Clarke moved towards her, both instinctively wanting to intervene. Before they could, Octavia appeared at Madi's side. Bellamy had been so lost to the world as a whole he hadn't noticed her.

"Heda," she said as she dropped to a knee reverently, turned so the crowd could clearly hear her. "I would be honored to act as your RipaGon." Murder weapon. Royal executioner. A level of distance between Madi and the deservingly soon-to-be-dead. Bellamy loved his sister but was taken aback by the depth of it for the ten-thousandth time since the day she was born.

"The Heda can't fight for herself against even a bound man?" Bellamy didn't need to see who said that to place him. Edzun was pushing Bellamy's oath to preserve every life that remained of the human race at all costs. Surely there could be some exceptions. The prisoner was an easy answer. Edzun was making himself seem more and more dispensible every time he challenged Madi. "She has Blodreina do her dirty work? She can't answer the call for justice on her own? How are we expected to answer to-"

Clarke stepped forward with complete confidence, chin up and brows scrunched in derision, immediately drawing everyone's attention as only she could. "I am the Commander of Death and I answer to no one." She let a beat of silence pass, letting the heavy truth of her words sink in. "However, I choose to respect the authority of the Wonkru Commander. So I ask for your permission, Heda, to be the one to kill this man. I am the one he attacked and would like to carry out his sentence myself."

Clarke turned back to Madi, so Bellamy was the only one to clearly see her eyes. They morphed from what she'd shown the crowd to gentle, comforting, telling her it was ok. Clarke would handle it. This was hard but it was what needed to be done. Bellamy shifted so Madi could feel him beside her, supporting her, and he wished he could do more without ruining all they were struggling to build.

He was close enough to hear the gulp Madi took before speaking, her voice coming out even and clear. "I grant you permission to carry out your justice, Wanheda."

"That's her-" It sounded like Edzun was abruptly cut off and he wondered which of their people got to him first.

Clarke dipped her head to Madi in thanks and approached where the bound man remained on the ground. Through his gag, he tried to shout words but it all came out one long ragged sound. 

Everyone's eyes on those two, Bellamy took the opportunity to put a bracing hand on Madi's back, providing what comfort he could. She pressed against it and he could feel the fluttering of her heart. Bellamy's other hand clenched. She shouldn't have to be in this position. They shouldn't have to do this anymore. They were supposed to finally be at peace.

Clarke didn't drag it out. As she closed the final steps she palmed the knife he'd given her in the heat of the moment and buried it deep into the man's heart as soon as she was near. Not waiting for him to die, she withdrew it, wiped it on his shirt, and returned to Madi's side. "Thank you, Heda."

"Now that justice has been done, burn him," Madi ordered. Preventing anyone asking more of her she turned and walked away, Bellamy and Clarke flanking her.

Over her head, they shared how frustrated, sad, and mostly worried they both were. Clarke handed his knife back and gave a helpless little shrug saying she did all she could do and that she knew it wasn't enough. Bellamy shook his head; both of their hands had been tied. There was nothing more she could have done that wouldn't have backfired. They followed Madi silently as she continued to walk, leading them to their home, through the front door, past the overturned furniture and signs of a struggle, straight into her room. She dropped to sit on the edge of her bed, her face buried in her hands.

"Madi..." Bellamy crouched on his haunches, at a loss how to make this better.

Clarke took a seat at her side, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. "I'm so sorry. I wanted to-" Clarke didn't finish when Madi turned and threw her whole thin frame towards her mother, tucking her head under Clarke's chin, tears beginning to form under her eyes.

"I've killed people. I've- I've sent people to their deaths and that was bad. That felt so bad, but this... This was..."

"Executions are worse," Clarke agreed, rocking and holding Madi tight to her chest. "I know."

"Was this how you felt after Finn?"

Clarke's eyes flared wide at that and she blinked at him, mouth half-open as she searched for something to say. 

He could only imagine how she felt. After all that time, even to him, thoughts of that night were both so raw and so much like they took place several lifetimes ago. It had been the first time Clarke had to kill in cold blood. It was a boy she'd cared about and she'd murdered him to save him from torture. He'd never forget her face when he'd first seen her afterward, or the days that followed. By that point he already knew he'd kill for her but it was then that he knew he'd do more than that, even if he hadn't realized it or what it meant for them at the time. He would do whatever it took to protect her, even if it was more than physically. Like not going to Mount Weather when she said she couldn't lose him. Then going to Mount Weather when she told him to, even though she'd made a solid point earlier he'd probably die trying. Finn had been the starting point of him beside her, willing to pull the lever together. It was then they started down the path of him wanting to save Clarke not from just death, but from bearing the burden of death alone. 

"No," he said, taking the lead so Clarke didn't have to. "This isn't like Finn. Finn made mistakes, big ones, but at his core he was a good person. That man wasn't. He would have hurt Clarke and he would have found a way to hurt other people if we let him live. That doesn't make killing him ok, or how it makes us feel any better, and it shouldn't. Taking a life isn't something to be done lightly and it's a weight we'll always carry. That's why, in the future, please wait for us to talk first. That isn't something you need to take on by yourself. We're a team, remember?"

Madi jerkingly nodded into Clarke's skin. "Everyone was watching me. I had to do something. I had to look strong. They were all waiting for me to do something."

"I know," Clarke ran her hand down Madi's hair over and over. "I know how hard that is. I do. But Madi, you're not us. We had everyone counting on us and we were alone. You are never, have never, and will never be alone. You have us, and Octavia, and Gaia, and so many other people who care about you. Soon things are going to be different; things like this won't have to happen anymore. In the meantime, if anything comes up while we change Wonkru, we're right here. You are never, ever alone."

Madi said she understood them and then immediately asked to be alone despite everything they'd just said. It wasn't fair to force their company on her when she needed time so with hesitation and regret they left her room, knowing it was surely so she could cry herself to sleep. They couldn't protect her from that and Bellamy could hardly stand it. He was unsurprised to see the tears in Clarke's eyes as she headed for the cold fireplace, starting a blaze while he righted all the furniture.

They both collapsed into their chairs and stayed quiet for a long time, processing.

Bellamy hadn't finished when he had to pause to take Clarke in again, still not over seeing her in the hands of that bastard, confirming she was really there and alright. 

He startled, shocked he hadn't noticed earlier. "You're bleeding."

She sighed and glanced down at her leg. "Oh yeah. Asshole clipped me to prove a point. Give me a minute to grab something to-"

"We should take you to Jackson."

Predictably, Clarke was exasperated by that. "Bellamy. I'm fine. We've walked off a lot worse than this. The only thing that hurts is my jaw, my hand, and my head. Jackson's going to poke at that and tell me not to sleep tonight to be cautious. I can manage that fine on my own." 

"Your head? In that case, we seriously need-"

"Not the Josephine part, for godssake. A little lump on my scalp. Really, I'm fine. It will hurt me more than help me to go all that way for nothing."

She started to haul herself up and Bellamy held out a hand to stop her. "At least let me get the damn bandage. Do you care what I grab?"

"Anything in the box is stuff from Josephine's I haven't pulled out. That'll do."

Bellamy entered her room, finding it exactly as Murphy had left it. That he did all that for her would never cease to be strange. The only visible difference was on her nightstand. On top of their copy of the Iliad were two textbooks about - he shamelessly peeked at the titles - mental health. Hmm. That was interesting. Excellent - beyond excellent - but very unexpected.

Picking something soft at random, Bellamy returned to catch Clarke slumped by the fire, eyelids heavy.

"Didn't you tell me you shouldn't sleep and that you can manage not to on your own?"

Clarke yawned and was unimpressed with his sharp tone. "I can. I have stuff to stay busy with once you're gone. I just got bored waiting for you since you're taking forever. You've slowed down in your old age."

Bellamy snorted and knelt. It didn't escape his notice they kept ending up here. By the fire, on his knees in front of Clarke. That random little voice in the back of his head that would pop up sometimes heard A.L.I.E via Raven's mouth saying 'a good little knight by his queen's side.' He pushed it away and tugged Clarke's leg a little closer, sliding her further down the chair, and a sign of her state was that she went with it, not even seeming to notice. "My old age, huh?"

"Uh huh," she faintly chuckled. "Murphy mentioned us getting old when I saw Jasper-" Her lips sucked into her mouth and her eyes closed. She hadn't meant to say that. 

She could only mean during the Red Sun. So Jasper had visited her? What did that mean? What did that entail? Jasper was the only one of them to kill themselves. Even thinking it made Bellamy flinch. Was that what was making her act differently than the rest of them?

As much as Bellamy desperately wanted her to finish that sentence and add a thousand more after it, Gabriel had told him that strong, painful, mixed emotions were what was hurting Clarke. That was why he'd distracted her by talking about Jordan that morning when she seemed deeply bothered by something. His fervent curiosity wasn't worth upsetting her. But Jasper? He wasn't going to press her for answers in the moment but he would never give up his mission to find out what was going on between her, the demons in her mind, and that damn sun. This was his first clue and he clutched it like glass.

When Bellamy didn't say anything about it she relaxed in her seat again and he began to wrap the mid-thigh injury. She grimaced but he knew perfectly well she wanted him to keep going until it was done. "Can you tell me anything about the guy who attacked you? I want to know if we have to worry about any more."

"No, I don't think so. This was personal. I should have asked for the Eligius bodies to be counted before they were burned."

"Personal?" Bellamy tied off her bandage but stayed where he was, tracing the edges since there was nothing left for him to do. Though he'd slowed significantly, not every bit of his frantic energy was gone and the urge to constantly confirm she was still there was a tough one to shake.

"Remember when I told you I screwed up that guy's finger when I went to visit Diyoza?"

Of course he remembered. He had been angry about her deal but even then he'd been distracted by that, asking why the hell someone had been touching her without her consent. "That was him?"

"Yeah. Guess that did it for him. He likes - liked - blondes, he liked I fought him, decided that was true love and meant he needed to either catch or kill me, and here we are," Clarke stated matter-of-factly as she tenderly touched a spot on her head hidden by her apparently irresistible hair.

"Let me see," Bellamy said, rising. Clarke told him it was fine but he wanted to check himself, unsure what the point was since he couldn't do anything about it no matter what it looked like.

He also needed time without her seeing his face. She could read him too easily and he didn't want her to have to deal with what was going through his mind.

'Catch or kill' her. The thought brought his hackles back up even though he logically knew the man's corpse was already engulfed in flames by then.

Bellamy had heard words when the man was holding her hostage, but his heart had been pounding so loudly in his ears and his attention so laser-focused on getting to Clarke he'd only known it had fueled his rage. His back and forth with the man had been in the moment and he hadn't stopped to think about what he was saying really meant. Now Bellamy couldn't not think about him saying he was going to keep her; she was 'his' like she was a piece of meat. The man had looked at her with adoration and told her he loved her after she sucker-punched him, unfazed.

A dark thought crossed Bellamy's mind out of the blue and he deeply wished it hadn't. Who, besides Madi and Abby, had last told Clarke they loved her? 

He knew Finn had been literally crazy about her. Maybe he had said it? But they were together for a split second. They had all been so young and stupid; Bellamy couldn't imagine saying something like that at their age. Could it have been Lexa? That was such a long time ago but surely Lexa said it. He hoped she did. He knew how Clarke felt about her. There could be others but Bellamy doubted it. He was aware of exactly how much Clarke's heart had become understandably more guarded since they met. He was no better. He highly doubted he and Echo would have ever gotten together if not for the isolation of the Ring giving them the chance.

Was that monster the first to say it to her after all that time? That was... That hurt him. As her friend, that hurt. Clarke deserved so much more from life than that.

Moving her fingers out of the way carefully, Bellamy checked the spot that pained her and wished that son of a bitch was still alive so he could kill him slower. The lump was a bad one and that was bad enough, but what pissed him off all over again were the definitive lines where her skin had ripped open from the force of his blow, the sign of a blunt object, matting the roots of her coveted hair with thick blood. "Why didn't you say something earlier? This looks bad."

"Head wounds always do. It'll hurt for a few days then be fine. You know the drill. Again, we've walked off a lot worse than being pistolwhipped."

"You shouldn't have to. We shouldn't have to do this anymore," he said with the utmost frustration, sharing his earlier thoughts. Clarke, Madi, Wonkru; none of them were supposed to have to do this anymore.

"But we do. We have the chance to start a whole new way of life, and if we do it right it means no one else will have to live the way we have. We're going to have to fight for it," she tipped back her head to smile at him where he stood above her, calling back to their talk that morning, " because the past won't die easily. But we'll do it."

He couldn't help but grin back despite everything. "That confident, huh?"

"You heard Gabriel; there's no stopping us. We'll figure it out."

"Yeah, we always do," he confirmed, wearily taking his seat again. 

Clarke told him about the conversation she'd finished on his behalf regarding their ration supplies and what she decided to do about it, and then updated him on everything the farmers from Sanctum had told her to expect from their first crop. She also told him about how earnest, sheltered, and sweet their guests were. Bellamy wasn't sure how he'd find time in the day but became determined to talk with them. The vision Clarke shared of Wonkru and Sanctum treating one another like neighbors meant getting their citizens to intermingle. He wanted to hear about their experience and any feedback or ideas they could provide on what he could do to grow and improve upon building those relationships for both sides moving forward. Clarke agreed a little social guidance was going to be needed to get people from such different ways of life comfortable around one another and was worried how the impending influx of the Faithful could impact that.

Bellamy realized when talking through their inner-kru issues that the missing food, the coat, so many other little things, could be explained by that evil son of a bitch. He'd said he'd hoarded away everything he needed already. They agreed it would not only be a good idea to get those supplies back but be a good unifying morale boost to set up groups to go searching for the stolen items. The guy had to have been within the radiation fence so the risk of danger was minimal. There was a lot of ground to cover but there wasn't much to do yet so there was no harm getting people out of their huts and sending them to look even if they didn't find anything.

Clarke told him Diyoza was ready to be on the clock protecting Madi so she was ready to start phase one of their plan. Since Indra so confidently had creating Russel's cell in hand, they didn't need to hold anything up on that account. He'd go with her for her next session and they'd take him then. Despite the original plan, they agreed having people with them the whole time would be suspicious and they should wait for their backup to arrive at the end, throw Russel in their truck, and head out before anyone knew something was different. Bellamy wondered if no one knowing about her treatments figured into her logic on that and was grateful that soon she wouldn't need them and no one would need to mention that they'd ever known she was ill. When phase one started in the next day or two no one would have time to focus on anything but moving forward like the unified front they'd become.

When Bellamy's lids began to grow heavy it was late and Clarke sent him packing. He tried to protest, still worried over the knock she'd gotten on the head, but Clarke told him she had plenty to do and he was only going to get in her way. He laughed at the dramatically aloof way she said it and was still laughing when she shut her door in his face, smiling wryly, the deadbolt lock loud in the quiet.

Jogging the short distance to his own house, he walked in to find Echo in their bed, already awake given the way she popped up when he arrived.

"Hey," she greeted, accepting his peck on the head. "How are Madi and Clarke?"

"Not great. It was a rough day."

"No kidding. How did Madi handle... Everything."

Bellamy shook his head, not sure how to explain it. "Not great," he repeated. "It was her first execution."

Echo winced knowingly. "At least she didn't have to do this one herself."

"She's never going to do any herself. Ever. She shouldn't have had to be a part of this one." Bellamy knew his tone was too harsh and shot her an apologetic glance. "I'm sorry. That wasn't directed at you. I didn't mean for that to come out-"

"No, I get it. She's like family. I wouldn't expect anything less. None of us want her to deal with a day like today."

"Thank you for stopping her. If she'd made it all the way to..." He dropped his head with a sigh, trying to not picture Madi throwing herself at that man while he had Clarke, or all of the ways that could have played out.

"Of course. Hey, of course," Echo comforted, hugging him briefly from behind. "Madi's tough. She's going to be fine. And I owe Clarke one for the save. I thought Miller and I were next in line for the chopping block."

Her lighthearted joke fell flat as Bellamy scrubbed at his face. "She was just scared."

His back still facing her, Bellamy was perturbed by her wary seriousness when she said, "She's the Heda, not a little girl. Her getting scared could have gotten us killed... You guys talked to her about that, right? She doesn't have the luxury of letting her emotions lead her around."

"She's both, and no, we didn't. I'm not raising her to be a spy, Echo. She can learn to be more careful without shutting off feeling anything at all." Bellamy ran his fingers through his hair in frustration, turning to face her, immediately regretting what he'd said. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. That's not- I didn't mean- What you went through isn't something I'd wish on any kid. You're right, she needs to keep a level head, but there has to be a way to do that without telling her not to feel. I don't know..."

Bellamy dropped to sit on the edge of their bed, deep in thought. Neither he nor Clarke even thought to tell Madi to have better control of her emotions. They'd both empathized with her instead. Clarke had encouraged her to not break in front of Wonkru and intervened when she could, then when they were alone all they did was comfort her and tell her she needed to lean on them more for support. It hadn't crossed his mind to tell her to stop being frightened. He'd been frightened too.

"Bellamy," Echo said quietly, drawing his attention. She'd sat next to him while he'd been distracted and was observing him. "I... What do you want from our relationship?"

"What?"

"Where do you see it going? Seeing you with Madi always, but especially since we helped Clarke home... I see how you are with her. I know Clarke's your closest friend and Madi is like a niece to you, but seeing you three embrace tonight, it looked like something I want. You looked like a family, and I realized how much that's what I want."

"You want..."

"I want to start talking about kids."

"You want to..."

"I want to know where you stand. I'm not pressuring, or demanding, I just want us on the same page. So I'm telling you what I want. How do you feel?"

"I'm..." Bellamy's mind was so crammed with so many thoughts so suddenly he didn't know up from down. 

"Do you want kids? Ever?"

"Yes?" He wasn't sure why it came out like a question. He tried again. "Yes. Yeah. I do. I... It's not really the best time. Getting this right with Wonkru, and Sanctum, and, you know, everything."

"I don't think there is such a thing as a 'best time', but like I said, I'm not demanding we do this right now. Just soon. As soon as you're comfortable with it. Today alone showed life is short and we don't know what's going to happen next. I want this and you want this. Let's keep talking about it. Maybe we'll be ready sooner than you think."

"Yeah. Yeah, ok. Sure. Well. It's been a long day. I need sleep, bad. Love you." Bellamy kicked off his boots, shucked his jeans, and was in bed facing the wall before Echo was done saying good night and that she loved him too.

What she'd said whirled in his mind so fast it made him dizzy. He loved Echo. He wanted kids. There wasn't a 'best time.' She wasn't saying it on a whim; she's thought about it. Echo didn't have any real experience with family other than the time she'd spent with them on the Ring. She was a good person; she deserved that in her life. They had a good relationship, strong enough to withstand him hardly seeing her anymore given everything he was dealing with. As the man who loved her, he ought to care about her happiness more than his own. He ought to have given her encouragement for communicating with him, engaging in a deeper conversation. She'd seen him with Clarke and Madi and while his relationship with them was so different, it had prompted her to bring it up. He should have asked her to talk about today, how she'd helped him and gotten more into how she felt about it.

Thinking about their day, his mind inevitably returned to the child that already existed: Madi. He couldn't help wondering if she'd fallen asleep crying - which broke his heart enough - or if she was still lying awake in her room, which was even worse. Would Clarke check on her soon? He knew she would, but was she right then? Was Clarke even still awake? She said she'd stay up but what if she fell asleep? What if she fell asleep and her injury was more serious than they realized? What if Madi woke up to find Clarke passed out? Bellamy stayed tense, imagining worst-case scenarios between flashbacks of their awful day, mixed in with hugging Clarke in the morning and both of them at night to remind himself they were ok and he ought to stop worrying.

Bellamy stared ahead in the darkness, exhausted as he was, longer than he would have liked, assuring himself they'd come get him. He and Clarke were talking again and Madi knew she could count on him. They were right next door. When he'd called them a team earlier, including himself in it, neither had contradicted him, so surely they knew to yell for him if something was wrong. If they needed him they knew he'd be there, ready to help with anything no matter what. They were family, they were a team, after all. They knew they could always depend on him to be there moving forward.

Right?


	19. Clarke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> STORY NOTE:  
> I'm excited for you to read this one! I hope it's alright. There's a lot of movement happening for things ahead!
> 
> PERSONAL NOTE:  
> Thank you guys. I know I say it every time, but I mean it so it must be said! Whenever I start to doubt where I'm going with this, if what I'm writing is good enough, or if I should keep posting at all, I see your kind comments and it is all the motivation I need to keep at it. I'm so grateful for that and to you for keeping this going for so much longer than I expected. You're amazing.

Clarke really did have things to do to keep her awake once Bellamy was out of the way. She grabbed the books she'd borrowed from Gabriel and curled up by the fire, beginning her research. It was late, nearly dawn, when above her bleary eyes her brows began to rise higher and higher. She'd not only struck gold; she'd struck a nerve. Hoping to find something to help Miller was hitting uncomfortably close to home. After some cross-referencing and taking mental notes on how to proceed, Clarke snapped them both closed and put them away. 

After she did there was still time to kill and her mind naturally turned to the night's events. 

She wanted so badly to protect Madi from everything, ever. 

She wanted the world to be better, and she wanted it better now. She wanted to teach Madi... Well, she couldn’t think of anything she had left to teach her that someone else wasn’t doing a better job at. That said, she wanted anything but to have to talk to her about knowing what executions felt like, or relate to being young and frightened with everyone’s eyes on her, forcing her to lead when she had no idea what she was doing. Clarke meant it when she said at least Madi had them. Madi knew that she, and Bellamy, and all of the others, would always be there to help as much as they could. Clarke felt a little shiver remembering what it was like carrying all of that responsibility alone, knowing she had to keep her spine straight and show no sign of weakness or everyone else would fall apart. The heavy burden of having to look strong when all she wanted was to be hugged and allowed to cry.

Bellamy had been the one to help her carry that weight, once upon a time. And her mom, occasionally.

Now, in trying to be a mother herself, her only reference was their relationship. In so, so, so many ways she would never be able to measure up. She also couldn't deny there were times she wished things were different between them. In the beginning, her mother had tried to protect her too much, causing Clarke to go around her to do what she knew was right. A beautiful part of Abby had been her strong ideals of how things ought to be, but not facing the dark reality of how they were resulted in Clarke facing the bloody trials of their new world alone. She knew she'd disappointed her mother so many times doing the ugly things she'd had to do. It was only Abby's incredible, unconditional love that had gotten her through it all in the end, but she could have used that during her worst moments, not after.

Clarke never wanted Madi to feel that way. She'd protect her - with her heart, body and soul - but she didn't want to keep her ignorant of the hardships of life to the point Madi felt like she needed to figure them out on her own. Clarke didn't want Madi to feel like there was anything Clarke would not willingly bear the brunt of. And that no matter what had to be done Clarke would get her hands dirty long before Madi needed to, and if she did, Clarke would support, and try to understand, and love her regardless.

As much as Bellamy had let her down, she was grateful he wasn't going to do that to Madi. He wasn't; she could tell. With Madi he acted like he used to with her when they were young and before things became so complicated. Bellamy was going to be there for Madi when Clarke was gone. He clearly cared enough about her to work through disagreements, of which there should be far fewer and certainly less extreme once things were in place.

Clarke was especially grateful he cared about Madi enough to follow them home, and took over when the topic of Finn came up. Since her last Red Sun he'd begun making regular appearances in her dreams, along with the rest of them, and hearing his name alone had been enough to knock the breath out of her.

Sitting there, wide-awake as the sun rose, she could hear Finn if she allowed herself to. It was a non-stop battle she was waging with all of them that she refused to acknowledge. Thinking about him even in the context of Madi mentioning his name, and then sitting there in the still quiet, was enough for him to begin to seep through. "First you refuse to think about me, now you do like I'm the enemy, not the way you used to. I loved you, I was in love with you, and you-"

A knock at the door startled her out of the abyss she had accidentally begun to slide into.

When she opened it was to find Bellamy on the other side, looking half-awake. 

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I figured since you weren't sleeping it wouldn't hurt if I dropped by," he said with suspicion and Clarke rolled her eyes, swinging the door open enough to let him in.

"I didn't sleep just fine, thanks. Really, what are you doing here? It's barely dawn. Madi isn't even up yet."

"Good. I wanted to talk before she is. Did you check on her last night?" She gave him an annoyed stare and he nodded. "Right, good, ok. How did she seem?"

"She seemed asleep. I hated last night more than anyone but it had to be done. This just shows we need to hurry. Once everything's settled it won’t have to be like this anymore.”

Bellamy nodded solemnly and Clarke tried not to fall in love with him all over again for being so worried about Madi. It was hard.

"And you're feeling alright? No nosebleeds? No dizziness? Your leg is ok?"

"I'm fine. We're fine."

"Good. That's good. I was talking to Echo last night about everything-" Clarke turned away from him to take a seat at the kitchen table, biting her cheek. "And she mentioned we need to talk to Madi about what happened with ordering her and Miller to be taken in. How as Heda she can't be that emotional."

"I'm not raising her to be a spy, she's allowed to have human emotions," Clarke snapped which for some reason caused a ghost of a smile to appear on Bellamy's face. Shaking her head she started playing with the bandage he'd put on the night before, even then a little distracted by the memory of his hands on her thigh and the way he'd stayed close, running his fingers along the cloth after he was done. 

Clearing her throat, Clarke frowned and tried to think big-picture about what Echo had said. She wasn't wrong. Clarke knew better than anyone forcing your head ahead of your heart was the way to lead. She just didn't want Madi to follow in her footsteps in that regard either. "I get were Echo is coming from. I'll talk to Madi about it but not now. Soon, but when her feelings about last night are less fresh. Keeping a clear head keeps her safer but I'm never going to tell her to shut off her heart. I don't want Madi to have that kind of life. I'm never going to tell her that."

"I agree. When the time comes I'd like to be a part of the conversation if you'll let me."

Clarke nodded, already having seen the benefit of them talking to her together. They sat at the kitchen table while they waited for her to get up so they could go get breakfast together, Bellamy sharing his tasks for the day and Clarke offering to take on a few. They agreed that Bellamy should make the announcement about the groups going out to search for the missing supplies at breakfast so Madi was beside him, and should wait until breakfast the following morning to tell everyone there would be a clan-wide meeting at lunch so there would be minimal time for everyone to speculate what it was about.

Before long Madi was awake and ready to leave, clearly still a little delicate about last night but already showing that she would be ok. Clarke worried but instead of fixating on her concerns thought about having a purpose for the day and important plans for tomorrow. When they arrived at the mess hall Raven, Miller and Jackson waved them over. 

When she could, without being obvious, Clarke leaned close to Miller and said quietly, "I'm sorry about last night, with the whole-"

Before she could even finish he brushed off the incident. "She's a good kid, she was just scared. I wasn't worried. Plus, I knew you weren't going to let anything happen to us. It's all good." They shared a smile and then Miller was distracted by the urge to say something smartass to intentionally annoy Raven. Bellamy stood and made the announcement he was going to send out search parties and for anyone interested to meet with him. Clarke reminded him to mix the krus as much as possible in the groups and with his nod she left to go start her to-do list for the day.

It passed faster than any had in a long, long time. She knew everyone, besides Bellamy, was still faking enjoying having her around. But when Murphy caught sight of her supervising a stock count and said, 'how goes it, little princes?' patting her head to once again tease her for being short, she participated in their snarky banter with pleasant ease. When she met with Indra for a follow-up conversation about the temporary housing they were working on for incoming Sanctum guests and the cell for Russel, she stayed around long enough to hear how impressive Madi was proving to be as a student and the topics they'd covered thus far. As she left eating lunch with Madi and Gaia, she spotted Bellamy walking with Simon and Lydia, expression earnest as he listened to whatever they were saying. He caught her eye and mouthed 'thank you.'

Clarke was returning Diyoza, RJ, and by extension little Hope, back to the med tent from their extensive tour of Wonkru, all of which had been colorfully narrated by the two quick-witted and sarcastic participants, when her name was called from the sparring fields next door. Turning, she stiffened slightly seeing Echo heading her way. RJ must have caught on to the micro-movement because he began to frown and Clarke shut him down with a head-shake and smile before he could fully react. Echo as good as saved her child's life yesterday. Despite their past, she harbored her no ill-will. She wasn't sure why she reacted like that.

"Do you have a minute?"

"Yeah, of course. Is everything alright?" Clarke asked, lifting a hand in farewell to the other two and beginning to follow Echo wherever she was walking.

"Yeah, everything's fine. How's Madi?"

"She's good. I can't thank you enough for your help yesterday, and I'm sorry she-"

"I know she didn't mean it, but you need to get a handle on that. We all want to keep Madi safe. We can't do that if she goes off the rails when something goes wrong."

"She didn't 'go off the rails.' I was almost killed by a psychopath in front of her. I'm sure if that happened to your mom you'd feel the same. I'll talk to her about thinking things through before reacting. That's all you're going to get."

"That's all I want," Echo said placatingly, and it sounded like sincerely. But how could she trust any words coming out of the mouth of a spy? Clarke tried to reorient herself. Echo was not the bad guy. She was with Bellamy. She was looking out for Madi, in her own way. "I don't have to tell you how dangerous her position is. I am loyal and want to protect her as my Commander, and as someone I care about. I don't want her to get into trouble we can't get her out of, that's all. I'm sorry if I offended you."

"You didn't," Clarke more than half-lied, trying to convince herself it was the truth. "I know I can get tunnel-vision when it comes to her."

"I get that. We all have that person. Bellamy's mine. He's the only family I have."

Clarke pulled in her lips to keep the, 'ok, that's nice,' on the tip of her tongue in. She meant it. It was nice. She just had a feeling that how she meant the words might not come out the way she intended them. Instead, she nodded.

"He's the first family I've ever had. You had your parents, and friends, and Madi... I've only ever had Bellamy. I'd do anything for him. " So just diving into this, huh? She had to give Echo credit for being direct. "He's the first person I've ever been able to call 'mine.' The first person to ever love me. Before him, since I was a child, my whole world was serving Queen Nia, and while he lasted, Roan. Bellamy is why I'm the person I am today. As much time as we've had to spend apart lately, given everything he's dealing with, we're still solid because we're family."

She had no idea what to say to that. It hurt. All of it hurt. Echo had seen what Clarke had been about to do in the courtyard. She knew what she was saying but it didn't seem malicious. It sounded like an explanation. It sounded like a detailed outline of how much Echo loved him so Clarke could understand where she was coming from in laying claim. And she got it. Echo didn't need to worry and Clarke didn't know how to say those words out loud because it would be admitting to far more than she ever could. Clarke knew Echo loved him, and knew he loved Echo, and knew even if that wasn't the case she was not the woman for Bellamy. So she simply nodded again.

"I've always liked you. We've had our... issues in the past, but only because of my loyalty to Roan and my love for Bellamy. You, yourself, I think highly of. When I thought they'd killed you in Sanctum the first thing I asked was 'when do we attack' and that wasn't for Bellamy's sake. I was ready to tear that place down to avenge you and when there was a way to save you I was more than willing to stay behind so he could get you to Gabriel. After what you've done for us, sacrificing yourself so we could survive, it was the least I could do. The least any of us can do.

"So please understand it isn't personal when I say: come or go, Clarke. Stay and permanently take some of the weight off of his shoulders so he and I can focus on our family, or go and let us get used to the way things are. Anyone can see you're still one foot in, one foot out, and he deserves better than chasing you around everywhere. You need to choose. Either stay or leave. Which are you planning on doing?"

Clarke worked her jaw, trying to find words under the suffocating crush of thoughts and feelings she was suddenly buried beneath. 

Echo used the silence to add, "Because I know you have a plan. If you don't want me to tell anyone, I won't. I'm only asking so I can take care of my family."

"Yeah," Clarke said hoarsely, ending Echo's need to say more. "Yeah, I have a plan. When everything has settled down here, I'm leaving. No matter what, I'm going to leave."

"I'm sorry to hear that." When Clarke shot her a disbelieving look, Echo leaned into her where they still walked side-by-side. "I am. I see how much you care and what you're willing to do. I respect you for that. I promise I'll look after Bellamy and Madi however I can when you're gone. I understand your decision and why you're making it. I'd try to convince you to stay if I thought my saying anything would make a difference, but if you aren't staying for Madi I know what I say won't matter. What I will say is that if you know you're leaving, you need to prepare for that."

"I am," Clarke ground out, trying to sound as civil as she could. Echo wasn't attacking her. The whole time she'd come off a little apologetic if anything. Clarke needed to get herself under control.

"You're planning on how to leave Wonkru and Madi in the best situation you can, that's true. I know how good you are with strategizing. But you need to think about Bellamy. Don't give him hope you're staying. Don't keep interfering and letting people get used to counting on you. It will make us look weak when you're suddenly gone and will undermine his authority. You being here is temporary and they need to get used to respecting him rather than the great Wanheda."

"I am thinking about Bellamy. He needs help right now so I'm-"

"He needs consistency. You know how sensitive he can be and I’m worried how hard he’s going to take it when you go. If you know you're leaving, and aren't willing to talk to him about it, please keep in mind the position you're leaving him in as much as everything else."

"I'm not-"

"Hey!" Clarke was cut off by the shout, both she and Echo stopping short. 

As Octavia closed the distance between them, Echo quickly finished. "And I'm sorry about giving Bellamy the wrong advice about you. Truly. I never meant to make things worse. I thought, given what he told me about you after Mount Weather, I really thought I was helping. I never meant to hurt you; I thought I was advocating for you. I want you to be alright. You deserve happiness."

Octavia curtly nodded a greeting towards Echo when she reached them, before turning to Clarke. "Can I talk to you?"

Clarke struggled through a calming breath before trying to smile. "Yes. Yeah, absolutely. Echo, thank you for the... advice. I'll keep it in mind."

Echo ducked her head in acknowledgment, eyes darting between her and Octavia before stepping back.

"Headed home?" Octavia asked, moving to her side as they continued walking. Clarke saw her house nearby and realized that was where Echo had been leading her.

"Yeah." They walked a beat in silence before Clarke said, "You wanted to talk?"

"Not really, no."

"Why did you-"

"I saw your face. Figured you needed a rescue."

"That? That wasn't-"

"You don't have to explain it to me. I'm sure I look like that every time that woman opens her mouth."

The corner of Clarke's mouth twisted upward at Octavia's dry delivery. "She doesn't mean bad by it." Adding ‘I don’t think,’ internally.

"I don't care."

"From what I can tell she likes you."

"I don't care."

Clarke snickered despite her mind actively being on fire. "I would have guessed that you hate me more than you hate her."

"You'd have guessed very wrong." Octavia stopped outside of Clarke's doorway. "We've got history. No matter what's happened, we'll always be The Hundred. After everything that's happened... I’ll always know you. I don't know anything about Echo other than her being a snake."

"A snake your brother loves."

"A snake my brother seems to love," Octavia agreed. "Good night, Clarke."

"Do you want to come in? We-" By then Octavia was already walking away and Clarke let her go. She wished she hadn't. There were so many things unsaid between them that Clarke wanted to say. There were things that needed to be reckoned with, and as Octavia said, they would always be The Hundred. Despite everything, Clarke wanted them to be alright now that Octavia had returned from the brink of madness. She wanted to tell her that, to an extent, she understood. She wanted to not be alone. But Octavia walked away, and she let herself in to her quiet house as it grew dark.

Once inside, Clarke found her ever-present demons waiting and tried to escape them via distraction. She picked up the house. She started the fire. She drew, first the scene of RJ and Hope, then of Bellamy walking with his hands up and eyes ablaze with rage when she'd been held hostage, then of Madi smiling at her over breakfast that morning when Jackson's arm had been draped affectionately across her shoulders. She was trying, near frantic, to think of something else, anything else, to keep from having to focus on what Echo had said. Thankfully Madi came home. After several hours of true and simple happiness, Madi went to bed and Clarke was left in the same dire situation, beginning to pace. 

As hard as she tried to mentally run from it, soon her breathing began to quicken and she began to get dizzy. Clarke was tempted to sit to get her bearings and catch her breath but knew sitting would only make it worse. It wasn't physical exertion doing this to her. She didn't want to think about what Echo said, she couldn't think about what Echo said, she couldn't stop thinking about what Echo said...

She was right about all of it, of course. Clarke couldn't outright tell Bellamy she was still leaving at the moment because he would be upset and determined to make her stay. However, it wasn't fair to let him get used to her being there. It was true that as much as she wanted to keep involving him and rely on him to help with Madi, she needed to give him space to focus on his own family. It would weaken him for their people to count on her when he was the one they needed to be looking to long term. She wanted him to be alright and needed to set him up to be as successful as possible when she was gone. The whole time she'd been focused on Madi and Wonkru. Bellamy deserved better from her. 

A rap at the door intruded on her thoughts, and when she opened it to find Miller on the other side she found it was the most welcome of distractions. 

"You accepting visitors?"

"No, but for you I'll make an exception." She knew he would reciprocate it if she latched onto him in the hug she so badly needed but also knew she would have to explain herself after and refrained.

"Damn right you will," he held up a bottle as he passed, "and your reward is the least-disgusting moonshine this place has to offer."

"Not up to Monty’s standards?"

"Is anything?"

They shared complicated grins filled with memories, grief, and mutual understanding. Miller led her to her own chairs before the fire and upon taking up the one he’d sat in the other night tugged out the bottle’s cork with his teeth.

"For Monty," he took a swig out of the bottle and passed it over to her as she sat.

"For Monty." Clarke coughed as soon as it went down, face twisted up in regret. "You weren't kidding."

"You'll get used to it. Or, at the very least, you'll stop tasting it after a few more swallows."

Clarke passed it back, shuddering. "I think I'm good, thanks."

"You say that now..." Miller cocked his head and a slow grin started to spread. "Have you ever been drunk before?"

"What? You've seen me drink."

"Yeah, had a drink. I'm asking if you've ever been drunk. You never did back in our dropship days... I can't even imagine it. Have you?"

"What does it matter?"

"Oh my god," he laughed disbelievingly, earning himself a 'shh' from Clarke, pointing towards Madi's door. "Oh my god," he repeated in a dramatic whisper. "I know you're all business but what the hell, Clarke? You've never taken a single night off to have fun?"

"When would I?" she asked, a tad defensively. She had fun, dammit. Sometimes. "At the dropship I was trying to keep all of you drunken idiots alive. After that... Well. You know. I took a night off to have fun in Sanctum and they almost killed me afterward. Not a ringing endorsement for letting loose."

Miller grimaced, took another drink, and that made him grimace more. "I'm sorry I didn't figure out you'd been body-snatched sooner. And that you were too busy keeping us alive to enjoy anything."

"That's not on you, and I enjoy plenty of things."

"Not carefree, though. Not like us. Well, not like us until... we stopped enjoying anything either."

Clarke saw her opening. She'd spent all the previous night preparing for it. "But now you can. We can. Things are different here."

"I don't think 'here' is so much the problem as the 'who.' I went out one night since we got settled, and got trashed, and instead of having fun I ended up having super emotional heart-to-hearts," he admitted with a self-deprecating grin that was all sadness. "I'm not who I used to be."

"No one is who they used to be. It's called growing up. That doesn't mean we can't be happy."

"That's what you call it?" Miller raised a brow at her. "We're who we are now because we grew up?"

"Yes, we're who we are now because we grew up. We feel like crap about it because of all the horrible things that happened along the way. I've been reading and there's this thing called 'Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder,' and we fit the description to the letter, and it isn't our fault. It isn't your fault you feel the way you do about the things we had to do to save the people we love. The stuff I read said a part of that is inaccurate thinking, especially about yourself, hopelessness about the future, always being on guard for danger even if there's no reason to be, overwhelming guilt or shame, nightmares," Clarke ticked them off with her fingers, having memorized them for this moment, "Any of that sound familiar? I know it does to me."

He sat staring at the lip of the bottle, toying with it, and she gave him time to think that through. When he did he glanced at her with soft, vulnerable eyes. "If they've got all that down, do they have a cure for it? Can we make it stop?"

"We can get through it and things will get better. We have to work for it though. I'm willing to try if you are." At his tiny nod, Clarke attempted to smile. It wasn't going to be easy doing this with him, knowing he was redeemable and she wasn't, but she also knew she had to go through the motions so he wouldn't give up on himself. "So how we get better is called 'cognitive therapy,' which means we have to talk about stuff; the bad stuff. It won't work if we aren't brutally honest. You game?"

"Sure. Yeah. What the hell. How do we do this?"

"Uhm. The books I borrowed from Gabriel are more about diagnosis, so I'm not 100% sure, but I'll get more the next time I'm in Sanctum. For now... It says one of the symptoms is inaccurate thinking about yourself. So we can start there? Give me three words you'd use to describe yourself."

"Coward, follower, weak," he rattled off without a second thought and her jaw dropped.

"Are you… Are you serious?" Miller shifted uncomfortably and Clarke recovered quickly, not wanting to make him feel more awkward than he surely already did. "Well, I can definitively say those are the last words I'd use to describe you. You are easily one of the bravest people I know." He scoffed and that broke her heart because she meant it. "Really. When that guy had a gun on me, and shots could have gone into the crowd, you jumped between Madi and a possible stray bullet without hesitation. No matter how dangerous something is, you're the first one to volunteer, always."

"Because I'm a follower."

"No, because you're brave. And you're not a follower; you're loyal. Yeah, maybe to a fault, but there are a lot worse things to be. You're steadfast. You have our backs no matter what stupid situations we get ourselves into, and you never ask for thanks or recognition for it. You're a good friend. And when the rest of us" - she didn't say she and Bellamy, but she and Bellamy, - "have gone off doing our own things or are taking care of our own business you have, since the start, have always been the one to step up and take care of our people. You've led them as much as we have, but your leadership has always been about stable strength so maybe you haven't gotten the recognition you deserve for that either, but you do deserve it. You are keeping this place running with Bellamy when no one else could because not only are you strong, and brave, and loyal, and smart, you've proven it to so many people so many times that they trust you. They look to you to be the steady guiding hand we all need in so much non-stop chaos. You're a good man, Miller. I promise you. One of the best I've ever known."

Clarke waited for him to wipe his damp eyes and took the bottle when he handed it over after taking a swallow. Then she waited some more.

"I don't feel like any of that is remotely true."

"So we'll keep talking about it. I get self-loathing, I do, but- how did you say it the other night? I landed here with you a million years ago, old friend, and I've seen you the whole time. Just know that's what I've always seen, and how all the people we know see you."

Miller nodded, gaze lost on the fire until he finally turned her way. "Ok, your turn."

"I think we've got more to say about you. I want-"

"Nope. I spilled my guts, now you spill yours. I don't want to do this by myself."

"Ok. Yeah. Three traits." There were so many to choose from. Monster. Murderer. Irredeemable. Destroyer of worlds. Evil. "Uhm... Pragmatic." 

"Clarke, come on." 

She didn't not see his point. He'd just bared what he saw as his darkest character flaws, as off base as he was. It wasn't fair to him to not give a crumb of that back. She wanted to support him and she wanted him to get through what they'd survived. Like Bellamy, he deserved better from her.

Clarke nodded and threw back some more horrible moonshine. "Fine... Selfish. Ruthless. Toxic."

"And you think I'm off the mark about myself? Wow. Just. Just wow.”

“It’s not the same; yours were opinions about yourself. Mine are statements with examples and testimonials. The things I've done-"

"Always came from a good place."

"That doesn't bring back all the people I've killed and all the pain I've caused."

“Does how you see me erase the things I've done? The bunker? Are we going off of that logic?”

"No, no, that's not what I..." Clarke pulled her lips in and upon not finding the right thing to say took another drink.

"Will you please listen to me then? You are, without a doubt, the least selfish person I've ever known. Not one of. The. The least selfish person. You've always put all of us first. When we were still teenagers you missed out on Monty's Magnificent Moonshine so you could save us all while we partied. Everything you've done has been to save or protect someone or another. You’re not ruthless. You should have seen… You should have seen me and Octavia. That was ruthless. That was... We were..." Miller got lost for a moment and Clarke didn't want to push him on that particular topic yet, unsure if it would be helpful or hurtful. He blinked back into the present and picked up like it hadn't happened. "You’re self-sacrificing. You’ll do things - things you don’t want to do, that you know you’ll hate yourself for - for the people you love. That’s not being ruthless. That’s being selfless enough that you’re willing to hate what you see in the mirror. As for toxic- I don’t even know where to go with that. I don’t get where you are coming from with that."

"I’m…” Clarke struggled to find the words and Miller patiently waited. “Everyone I know, everything I touch.” She thought of Bellamy. Which made her think of Bellamy's very accurate description, so spot on she knew she’d never shake it. “People… People die when I'm in charge.”

"People live when you're in charge too. I'm proof of that. You’re a good person. You're one of my best friends, and I sleep better at night knowing Clarke Griffin has my back."

Clarke tried to think of how to respond and came up emptyhanded. "I don't feel like any of that is remotely true," she ended up replying, copying him.

"So we'll keep talking about it.”

Feeling drowsy, Clarke realized she'd had only a few sips of his moonshine and it was already more than she intended. She passed the bottle back to Miller who lifted in in cheers before taking another swig.

Their silence was companionable and Clarke wasn't afraid of it like she had been on her own earlier. She thought about everything he said with a grain of salt, and given his expression, Miller was doing the same. Her mind wandered from his take on their past to what she wished were true.

“What do you think it would be like," she said haltingly, "if we’d all made it? If on Earth we’d found a place like this. All of The Hundred alive, everyone following us from the Ark, everybody safe. No blood on our hands.”

“Honestly? I can’t imagine it.”

“Me neither.”

“I can imagine us better, though.” Clarke rolled her head to look at him and Miller met her gaze, his still holding the fragile softness she'd seen before. “Someday. We’ll both be fine. I’ll have Jackson and you’ll- We’ll still do this, and we’ll be so carefree and relaxed that sometimes we’ll get carried away and get wasted, and Madi will be so embarrassed about what a fool you’re making of yourself.”

“Hey! I won’t-“

“Shhh-“ Miller closed his eyes like he was really seeing into the future, smirking. “These are facts; not up for debate. You’ll get drunk, and we’ll be way too loud so everyone will know it, and in the morning you’ll be all sheepish and everybody will make fun of you. Then we’ll-“

“Why does our future entertainment seem to be at my expense?”

“Because you deserve to have fun, Clarke. Stupid fun for the sake of stupid fun. And we deserve to laugh about it.” Miller opened his eyes and looked to be in a better mood after picturing her foretold embarrassment. “Someday we’re gonna get there.”

Clarke was happy to hear him sounding hopeful and she used that energy to keep joking around. He was too observant for her to think about how they’d never have those nights in front of him.

It was a while later before she was surprised to hear another knock at the door. Before she could react Miller was up and throwing it open, greeting Bellamy warmly and welcoming him in to her house. Clarke tensed head to toe as he entered, every word Echo said playing loudly on a loop in her mind. She stood, thinking that since they were both so close to the door it would be convenient to usher them out, saying she was tired, but before she got the chance Miller darted back past her, setting their still mostly-full moonshine bottle on her mantle. 

"For future use," he said with a wink, and Clarke shook her head as she chuckled. Not only would she not be around for his scenario to play out, even if she was there was no way she'd be making as much of a drunken idiot of herself as Miller hoped. "Well, I ought to be going. Bellamy, take my seat." Clarke would be more irritated with him for that if he didn't immediately engulf her in a hug after, muttering, 'thanks, old friend' as he did.

When he left her face hurt from grinning so much. She’d forgotten to tell Miller how much she loved his sense of humor. She filed it away as something to bring up next time.

Turning to where Bellamy had taken Miller up on his offer and dropped into the available seat, she found him smiling wide."What?"

He shrugged. "Happiness suits you. How was your day?"

Clarke joined him, a little wary as she gave him a rundown of the decisions she'd made, situations that had arisen, and thoughts on what needed to be done. He did the same and as they talked everything out she felt riddled with guilt. 

They already had their plan for their announcement and when he asked for her help on a couple of things for the next day Clarke hesitated before responding. She didn't want to tell him 'no.' She shouldn't tell him 'yes.' She definitely couldn't explain why. She wanted to help during her time left with him. She didn't want to set him up for a later struggle. She began to feel her anxiety grow, the walls shifting.

"Hey, or, how about you spend time with Simon and Lydia? You were right, by the way. They're great. I'm glad I got the time to talk with them; thank you. Maybe they'll have different feedback for you? I'm sure you'll probably have different questions than I did."

Damn him. If he'd only be slightly less lovable things might be easier, but Bellamy was Bellamy and he couldn't help it. Seeing her discomfort accepting his request for assistance he'd immediately backpedaled, not wanting to pressure her. He knew she like Simon and Lydia and gave her a good reason to spend the day enjoying their company instead of lending him a hand.

“No, no, what you’ve told me about your conversation is plenty. I’m happy to help.”

“Are you sure? I’d seriously rather do it than have you strain yourself, I just thought-“

“Bellamy. I’m doing it. Stop. I’m going to get Diyoza and RJ prepped to start watching Madi because I know Jackson is going to clear them from medical soon but other than that I’m completely free. I can take on more if you need me to.”

“Only if you’re sure... RJ is going to be watching Madi too? I thought it was just Diyoza.”

“I want her under 24 hour guard and Diyoza needs to sleep. RJ is going to be the one watching Hope but I’d like her to have some quality time with her baby too. Diyoza trusts him with her newborn and she’s not a woman to give trust easily. I’m worried leaving Madi with anyone, but they’re our best bets.”

“We can count on Gaia, Octavia, and Indra. They’re already watching her just fine, we trust them, and they know her.”

“Of course we can keep counting on them. The other two are backup while things are... transitioning. I know our people would do anything for her, I’d just feel better having those extra eyes for now.”

“I get that. Madi’s safety comes first. But we don’t really know them. We don’t know what they’ll do.”

“Which is why I’m working on learning. They have no loyalty to anyone but us. Diyoza’s grateful for the kind of life Hope is going to have in Wonkru and RJ... seems pretty invested in taking care of both of the girls. I’m not going to blindly trust either of them with Madi but the more people watching her back, not to mention the kind of people who’d do absolutely anything to protect her, is worth putting the time in to build trust. I’ve got this. Don’t worry.”

Bellamy nodded gravely, clearly worrying.

“What’s going on with Octavia?”

“What do you mean?” he asked, instantly as distracted as she intended.

“I don’t know. I saw her for a second today and I’m just wondering.”

Bellamy looked distinctly uncomfortable. “I, uh- I don’t know, actually. Things were better between us leading up to and during the fight for Sanctum and since then... I barely have time for even Echo. I haven’t seen much of Octavia other than in passing. I know she’s devoted to Madi, and I see her around with Indra. She’s been present for all of our group meetings about the change-up but you know she doesn’t say much. Why do you ask?”

“Like I said, I saw her today. I know her relationships with everyone are probably a bit, uhmmm, strained.”

“What about you?”

“What about me?”

“She and I mostly started getting past what happened, because she’s my sister and seems truly remorseful and I love her. But she,” Bellamy started shifting in his seat, scrubbing at his jaw. “She was going to kill you, Clarke.” He ran his hands through his hair, lips compressed. “Execute you. I don’t forgive her for that part and I won’t blame you if-“

“Bellamy, don't. True, we’re not friends anymore. I’m not ok with what happened but if there is anyone who can relate to taking things too far to save our people it’s me. My mom told me about their dark year and Madi got me thinking about... I don’t hate her. If anything, I’m worried about her. I know how hard it can be to live with yourself.”

Bellamy started staring with deep concentration into the fire as she spoke and continued to when she finished.

Like with Miller, this silence didn’t scare her. She used the opportunity to observe him, unhurried as she examined his achingly familiar features and the changes to them up close. It was more than the scruff on his jaw. Two shallow lines on his forehead indicated he was going to get wrinkles from frowning soon, which saddened her. The good news was the faintly rounded shape of his cheeks, likely from the years of no longer needing to hunt, or running for his life, or struggling to find food. There were no scars she didn’t recognize.

Life in Shallow Valley hadn’t always been easy - she was still mad at herself for admitting that to him though he thankfully hadn’t pressed her on the topic - but she wouldn’t take back her decision to stay behind if she could. They lived. They all survived every obstacle the ground had thrown at them, and the others had gotten years of peace and safety they deserved for it. She’d gotten Madi. It had all worked out for the best. She just wondered for the first time if those years had changed her more than internally. Clarke wondered what he saw when he looked at her.

Glancing over like he could read her mind, Bellamy searched her face before she could turn away.

“It’s hard living with yourself?”

Clarke didn’t know what to say to that. She hadn’t been the point, so she pressed on like she wasn’t. “I know how much you have on your plate. At least for now, let me help. Spend time with your sister. I know Echo needs to be priority one because she’s your future, but Octavia will always be your family too. She needs you.”

“I’ve been so overwhelmed I didn’t think about... I’ll make time for her. Thank you for saying something, I’ve been so... But Clarke, we-“

“It’s late and I’m tired. Can we pick this up in the morning?”

His lips pressed tight but he stood readily. She knew that he knew that she was asking him to leave to avoid the conversation he wanted to have about her living with herself, but it really was late and he wasn’t going to keep her up when she needed to rest.

At the doorway, he hesitated awkwardly and then dipped his head in farewell and left.

In bed her mind cycled through the conversations she’d had over and over. Echo was right. She needed to back off from Bellamy and taking on any obvious leadership duties within Wonkru. She would, as soon as he had a little time to reconnect with Octavia. His sister was an important part of Bellamy's identity. The two of them being solid before she was gone was justification enough for overstepping the boundaries she ought to be maintaining. 

Clarke thought about the day over and over, finding a new aspect or moment to consider every time.

When she finally fell asleep all of her victims were dutifully waiting for her and she didn’t think about Bellamy or Echo or Miller until dawn.

\- - -

"Bellamy is watching us."

"What?"

It was late afternoon and she was finishing her shopping expedition with Diyoza and RJ. She had traded away almost all of Josephine’s clothes, having the other two hand it over so vendors would accept it, but she figured Gabriel wouldn’t care about her taking more and they couldn’t walk around in filthy jumpsuits forever. RJ had found it hilarious how uneasy she was by the deference she was given by some of their people. He would find ways to prompt them into praising her until she squirmed, laying it on thick until she shoved him and ordered him to stop, which he did reluctantly and still bemused.

Diyoza had already left with Hope and Clarke had been using their time alone as they aimlessly walked to tell RJ more about Madi, their history, her concerns, and getting to know him better. Diyoza had been right; there was a generous portion of self-loathing and guilt under RJ’s friendliness and she could relate to it. He admitted to his past and told her far more than she needed to know, airing all of his dirty laundry for her judgement and none of it concerned her when it came to his ability to protect her daughter. If anything it gave her confidence about how badly he wanted a second chance and that he’d accept the responsibility of taking care of the girls with life or death dedication.

"Don't look. He's right," RJ quickly flicked his eyes over Clarke's shoulder. "He's trying to be sneaky. He's jealous."

"I promise you he is not. He's following you; he's paranoid about you guys being here and worried about entrusting you with Madi.”

"He is too." RJ grinned down at her, ignoring the rest. "And I'm going to prove it." He put his arm across her back, not pulling her closer but there all the same. Her eyes widened in surprise. "Oh, come on, get your head out of the gutter." He clicked his tongue in mock disapproval. "This is for Bellamy being an idiot, not for me. Sorry, but I have a thing for women that don't scare me and you do not fall in that category. Nothing personal. I'm still a really big fan overall. So I'm going to turn you a little so he can't see your other arm when I pretend to kiss you. Sneak your hand up and put it over your mouth so we aren't really. Your hair will cover it."

Clarke laughed, hard. "You can't be serious."

"Totally serious. You ready?"

"This is stupid. I swear, it’s not-“

"So what? Doesn't mean it won't be funny."

"I promise you there’s no point. I mean it.”

RJ cocked his head like he couldn't understand the words coming out of her mouth. "Does there have to be a point to everything?"

"In my life, yes."

"Well, that's what's stupid. I know we'll laugh about it, so what does it matter if I'm wrong or it's meaningless and silly? What it will be is really awkward if you don't participate," he joked. "You ready?"

Clarke, thinking of what Miller had said, and fighting back too-loud laughter, thought 'screw it.' He was right. Everything about her life had been so serious for... forever. This was merely a moment being ridiculous for the sake of being ridiculous in the most innocent of ways. He was even making sure they wouldn't be really kissing so it wasn't weird or made her uncomfortable. She was cracking up just considering it and Miller said they deserved to laugh. What was the harm?

She slightly nodded and RJ's grin grew wide before sliding one of his big hands behind her head, true to his word moving some of her hair to cover a side of her face when he turned her, seeming like it was to wrap his arm tighter around her waist. Clarke slid her hand up as he did, placing it over her lips, and they both tried to suppress giggling against it. It turned out the naturally intimidating RJ could giggle.

Clarke was already appreciating this as a fond, friendly, trauma-less memory, going to her tiptoes so he wouldn't have to kink his neck bending down so far. She enjoyed the brief moment before her lungs started to hurt from trying not to keep obviously laughing so she said, "Ok, ok."

RJ immediately pulled back but left his arm around her waist so they stayed standing close, sharing insanely goofy grins. "Guess whose heading this way on a mission?"

Clarke shook her head. Before she could assure him it wasn't what he thought Bellamy popped up next to them.

"Clarke, can I talk to you a minute? Alone?"

"Hey, Bellamy," RJ greeted, shooting Clarke a smug 'I told you so' side-eye.

"Hello," he said without looking at him. "Clarke?"

She nodded and shared a last glance of complete amusement with RJ. It wasn’t about his still very incorrect assumption about Bellamy, but about giving her that moment of silliness for the simple sake of laughing. 

Not one to leave well enough alone, he trailed his hand down her arm as he let her go, saying, "Miss you already."

Clarke rolled her eyes, chest and cheeks aching from more fun than she was used to, and followed Bellamy.


	20. Bellamy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> STORY NOTE:  
> \- I have been made aware Madi is thirteen, not twelve. I'm all for that as A) it's canon and B) works way better in the story. Thanks for catching that. Moving forward Madi is thirteen going on fourteen. I'm so sorry for the screw up!  
> \- Please don't hate Bellamy. He's SO close, I swear. We all know he is loyal to literally a fault and we've seen him stubborn enough to stick to one way of thinking until smacked out of it.
> 
> PERSONAL NOTE:
> 
> \- As always, this exists because of you and I am beyond grateful. I've said it before and I'll admit it again: this will forever make me so nervous. I live for the validation I don't suck haha. I apologize and thank you for so often indulging my anxious and needy ass to keep me going. I got distracted writing scenes I'm looking forward to because I didn't want to lose them in my mind so I also apologize for the big delay! I'm hoping you'll like what's quickly approaching. I can't say thank you enough, so: thank you!

"Don't take this the wrong way, but what the hell are you doing here?" Octavia said, dropping her waterskin down after a long drink, her skin as sweaty as his must be, "I know how busy you are. Now today you eat lunch with me and then have time to spar? Not that I'm not grateful, but is everything ok?"

Bellamy felt real sadness looking at his little sister's worried expression. He'd spent so much of his time focused on everything else that now she thought something had to be wrong for him to pay attention to her. Octavia was not sinless or close to entirely forgiven in his book, but she was his family and he loved her; so much he wanted to find a way back from what had happened. He knew she felt the same or she wouldn’t have let him live after what he’d done. He couldn’t imagine his life without Octavia and regretted not prioritizing the need to put aside time to start repairing things between them. Anyone could see she was hurting.

For the twentieth time that day, Bellamy was grateful he’d given in and gone to Clarke’s. It had been especially late when he was headed home, certainly too late to stop by, but he’d seen light coming through her curtains and last minute veered towards her door. It wasn’t like she would hesitate to tell him to get out if she wasn’t in the mood to see him; he might as well try.

There had been a moment of deep confusion when Miller threw the door open and welcomed him inside. Bellamy glanced around and... No, he was at the right house. Behind him Bellamy saw Clarke approaching, stopping when Miller slid past her and then back, saying, "I ought to be going. Bellamy, take my seat,” while shooting Bellamy a wink he didn’t understand. Before he could even begin to ponder it, he’d been distracted by Miller hauling Clarke into a hard hug. He'd worried about what had prompted that until they pulled apart and he saw the fondness on Clarke’s face, recalling Miller and Clarke hugged in greeting and farewell, though usually not with that zeal. They didn't hold off for life-or-death, heartbreak-only moments.

When Miller was out of the door and Clarke turned towards him, seeing her like that made him grin. When she asked what his was for, he had told her the truth: happiness looked good on her.

Bellamy tried not to overthink it but there was a deep sense of peace in him as they discussed their days. This is what he’d imagined. The whole time he’d been desperate to get Clarke home, it was for nights like the one they were having. It hadn't been easy but he knew it would happen. They were always meant to be there and he was living in the moment he’d envisioned. That was until he asked her to handle a couple of things he knew she’d be better at than he would. He’d always been aware of the fact he and Clarke worked best in partnership. Leading alone for months versus with her at his side made him see more clearly than ever their respective strengths and weaknesses.

Clarke’s brief hesitation following his request brought things to a screeching halt. He had let his fantasies momentarily blind him to reality. She still wasn’t well. He shouldn’t be putting anything on her, let alone more than he’d already dumped at her feet with what a huge mess he’d made. Gabriel might have said that wasn’t what was hurting her but it didn’t mean it couldn’t contribute. Simon had alluded to finding Clarke half-dead in a field at one point, something Bellamy was sure would be featured in one of his upcoming nightmares. He didn't know how that had slipped his mind for a moment. His only excuse was that she felt like the Clarke he'd always known her to be, and that Clarke didn't need to be handled with kid gloves. The fact he needed to, for now, had been lost in how natural everything seemed between them. 

The faster he backtracked the more mildly annoyed Clarke became, insisting she'd help. Before he could try to talk her out of it, he'd been distracted. 

"RJ is going to be watching Madi too? I thought it was just Diyoza," he'd said, all of his previous concerns returning with a vengeance. They didn't know any of those men. They could hurt or take advantage of people in Wonkru; they could hurt or take advantage of Madi and Clarke. When she insisted, he'd held an internal battle. Clarke made solid points and he trusted her judgment. That said, Madi was a blind spot for her. There was a distinct possibility Clarke was so deadset on protecting her she might be putting her at risk to do it. 

Before they could get into that, she'd brought up Octavia. Once again, she'd made good points that in that case, he didn't want to dispute. He really did need to see his sister. As busy as he’d been, he knew their relationship wasn’t something to be put on a shelf to get to when it was convenient. 

Sooner or later Clarke was going to need to talk to him about the 'living with herself' part of what she'd said, getting out of it at the time by claiming she was tired. She needed her rest, but he needed to help her get through whatever she was struggling with too. Just like Octavia, something being wrong with Clarke wasn't something he should put off.

All of it led him to sitting there, gazing at his worried sister, wishing he knew how to do better by all of them. 

“It was brought to my attention I haven’t been a good brother to you lately. I have a lot on my plate but I want to fix that.”

“Brought to your attention?” Octavia cocked her head, a corner of her mouth twisting upward. “I take it you saw Clarke.”

Bellamy wasn’t sure why Octavia immediately jumped to that conclusion. He did know he wasn't going to deny it. “She said she saw you in passing yesterday and wondered if you were ok.”

“Of course she did,” Octavia said under her breath. It almost looked like she was pressing her lips together to keep from smirking. “We didn’t say anything but it must have been enough to repay me for the rescue.”

“Rescue?”

“She was trapped with-” Octavia shook her head a little, glancing at the sky. “She was speaking with Echo," she corrected herself, and Bellamy let it go since she did. He had hope that eventually Octavia and Echo would get along. Time healed all wounds and whatnot. "It looked like she didn’t want to be any more so I intervened and walked her home. That was it." Her brow furrowed as she thought that through. "This isn’t repayment for that; this is for you. Clarke would only tell you to come here if it was for you. Are you sure you're doing alright, Bell?"

Bellamy nodded, mind caught on what she'd said. Clarke had only told him about Octavia. She had pointedly brought up his sister but made no mention of Echo even though the conversations overlapped. In any other circumstance, he would count them talking as no big deal but Octavia said she needed a rescue. It all struck him as off. "Do you know what they were talking about?"

“Neither of them told you?” Octavia grimaced. “That doesn’t bode well. I don’t know, all I heard was Clarke thanking Echo for her ‘advice’ and she didn’t sound too happy about it.”

Octavia couldn't have said it better. That did not bode well. 

Letting it go to focus on who needed him the most in that moment, Bellamy dropped his own waterskin and wiped his damp face with his shirt. "You should spend more time with all of us. I know you have your Madi-time in the morning, and I see you with Indra," they moved back into the field, Octavia circling the two dulled daggers she'd chosen in her hands while Bellamy adjusted his grip on the shortsword he'd picked out. "But you're always welcome-"

Octavia lunged and spun away from his defensive swing. "Always welcome? Every person in Wonkru - beside you, Madi and Indra - wants me skinned alive. I stay quiet-" She came at him with swift slashing movements and he barely got out of the way in time, using his weapon to shift her advance past him. "I keep away from everyone. I stay under the radar. That's how it has to be."

"You can't live like that forever. At some point you-" Bellamy broke off as they started fighting in earnest, the clash of metal hitting metal taking up all of their attention. 

"Sure I can. I've got sixteen years of training under my belt."

"O-"

"Seriously. Going in the mess hall to get food makes my heart pound out of my chest. I'm sure any second someone is going to come at me and being around that many people at once freaks me out. Indra tells me to still go every day so I'll get used to it, and I think she's right, but walking around camp for the hell of it? I'll take Madi wherever she wants to go but I'm on full alert the whole time anyway for her sake. Being like that on my own? I'll pass."

Bellamy wanted to comfort his sister but he didn't know the right way to anymore. Did she want a hug? Did she want assurance she was wrong, even though she might have a point about people wanting her dead?

"So don't be on your own. Walk around with me. You'll get used to being around people and you know I'm not going to let anyone hurt you."

There was a moment of awkward silence following that statement. Maybe she once had confidence in that. Then he'd poisoned her. 

"I don't think people will be thrilled to see Blodreina at your side while you're running things. Really. It's fine. It's nice seeing you right now. I want to enjoy it."

Bellamy agreed and made two big slashing strokes with his sword that had her rolling to get away in time and she popped back up smiling.

He didn't know how to really get in to what happened between them yet, and it seemed like she didn't either. Instead, they spent the rest of their time together enjoying it, like she wanted. Between sparring and joking around he felt things between them begin to feel less forced and that was enough for the time being. When he couldn't put off his duties anymore he was thankful for those few hours of quality time Clarke had bought them by taking on all of the tasks he would have been doing instead. Octavia hugged him before he left, saying 'thank you, big brother,' into his shoulder. He held her back tighter than the moment might have warranted but she didn't complain.

Bellamy jogged to his cabin to change out of his sweat-soaked clothes before their upcoming meeting. If everything was on track it should be their last. The issue of setting up a home for their Sanctum visitors had postponed things last time but with that handled they were ready to begin.

On his way to Raven's workshop, rushing to be early enough that he'd get a chance to get into repairing what they'd damaged fixing the water filtration system, his steps slowed as he spotted RJ, impossible to miss as his head towered above the crowd.

Bellamy’s doubts about entrusting Madi’s safety to a near-stranger had him drawing closer to check on what the man was up to now that he was free from the medical tent. Left to his own devices, what would he do? 

He knew Clarke had said she was going to put effort into learning to trust the prisoners so he wasn't shocked to see her with him but Bellamy hadn’t expected learning to trust him to seem like…

They stopped and he ducked behind a stall to subtly assess RJ between the shade cloths, sure he would act differently if Bellamy was there. He hadn’t liked the way RJ had looked at her the first night; like he’d follow her to the ends of the earth without even knowing her. That sort of immediate obsession was unhealthy and could be dangerous. He liked it even less later finding Clarke straddling him, RJ holding her as if... his hands on her, giving signals for Bellamy to back off as if...

Clarke’s laugh pierced the focus he’d given his thoughts, and he simultaneously hardened and melted hearing it. She was mostly turned away from him so he couldn’t see her expression, but he knew her well enough to know it was sincere. He still didn’t trust RJ a bit but the man got points in his book for getting Clarke to sound like that.

That was, until he wrapped an arm around her. Clarke laughed again, throwing her head back at the strength of it, and RJ watched her with a smirk as she did it, drawing her closer. Instead of pulling away, Clarke spoke to him like that, right up until he yanked her against him and began kissing her.

Bellamy felt-

Felt-

Felt- 

He didn’t even know what. Any surprise that was likely there was lost under the heap of everything else. There was the wind being knocked out of him like a punch coming from some directionless place. There was an intense sense of utter dread mixed with fear that had his heart pounding. His skin flushed with some wave of heat that left him off-center. There was a tense dizzying silence that filled him as the sound of the marketplace fell away and his vision narrowed to make sense of the lip-locked pair. Every muscle had seized up, wanting to turn away and wanting to head that direction, torn between the instincts.

Then, out of the blue, he heard Emori. “Woman with needs,” she’d said. Bellamy shuddered and sucked in a breath, only then realizing he’d been holding it for the brief span of time it had taken to catalog the symptoms of his reaction.

She wasn’t wrong. Bellamy rolled his shoulders and circled his head to work off the stiffness in his neck. He had no right to feel the inexplicable way he was feeling. He didn’t even know where it had come from. There was no justification for it. Maybe it was just… That was it. He knew what explained it. He was worried. They didn’t know this guy and Clarke was… With him. She was going to trust him with her daughter. She was kissing him, out where anyone could see them. Where he could see them. Surely that meant it was serious. How could she be that serious with someone they didn’t know? That’s why he felt so strongly. He was worried. He wanted to keep her and Madi safe, like always, and Clarke was going to… ‘be’… with RJ… and he was just worried about it.

Bellamy was halfway across the distance before he realized he moved, and was glad the two broke apart before he reached them. It would have been awkward fighting the urge to pull them apart in the middle of that. It already was, where they stayed chest-to-chest, gazing at each other with real affection. Affection RJ hadn’t earned yet. They didn’t know him. They didn’t know what he’d do. For all they knew he’d hurt her. Madi was the most important person in their lives and Clarke wanted to share taking care of her with RJ. She was kissing him, and wanted him to be a part of their day-to-day lives, and trust him with Madi, and they didn’t even know him. Bellamy was worried about that. That was all. That explained it.

“Clarke, can I talk to you a minute? Alone?" he ground out as soon as he drew near. Reacting with emotion was not going to get Clarke to see reason in keeping RJ away from Madi and his hands off of her until he showed he was worthy. Bellamy knew this was too important for him to let his feelings screw it up. He had to use his head since she’d clearly lost hers for the time being.

That was what kept his face straight and breath even, his reaction only tensing as RJ trailed his hands down her intimately, telling her he’d miss her.

Bellamy stalked off and felt Clarke’s presence beside him. Looking at her out of the corner of his eye he saw how widely she was smiling and felt a massive wave of doubt. More than just about anything, Bellamy wanted Clarke to be happy. She was owed more happiness than anyone he knew. And in that moment she looked like she was. Was he really going to argue with her about how she got that way? Could he stand to be the one to try to take that away from her, no matter his reasoning?

But then, the validity of his concerns stood. He wanted her to be happy, but above everything he wanted them both to be safe. They’d fought so hard for so long; they deserved someone willing to shield them from having to struggle anymore. They could take care of themselves but they shouldn’t need to shoulder that alone after all they’d sacrificed and suffered. Madi was too important - Clarke was too important - to let some random guy become so close so fast. It would be one thing if he was a random hook-up. RJ was going to be a part of their lives. He needed to prove he was going to take on the responsibility of protecting their happiness and safety as seriously as he should. 

Keeping the need to stay collected in mind, Bellamy tucked his hands in his pockets and tried to think of a diplomatic way to say RJ wasn't good enough. 

Hyperaware of everything, for the first time he noticed how within the span of two steps her stride automatically lengthened and his shortened to walk in sync. He thought that was a fair representation of them. They found a way to move forward together, side-by-side, without even noticing they were doing it. Nothing was going to change that, he reminded himself. They'd been through hell; there was nothing left that could change that between them. 

"What's up?" Clarke asked, blissfully unaware of his turmoil.

"We need to talk about the men from the Eligius. We still don't know them. I don't-"

"The men from the Eligius, or RJ?"

"Fine. RJ." Bellamy heard Clarke's soft sigh and knew he had limited time to make his case before she was done hearing anything from him. "Clarke, we still don't know them. Not enough-"

"That's why I'm trying-"

"-and it's one thing to have Diyoza and RJ guarding Madi, which you already know I have concerns about, but bringing him into her life? We don't know what he's really like and he can't possibly understand how things are in Wonkru yet. He doesn't get how important you and Madi are, and I doubt he knows what it's like to be a parent, let alone one of a Commander. That's not a role to take on lightly. There are so many things to consider since you have-"

"Woah, woah- bring him into Madi's life? Parent?" She spoke in a rush and glancing her way he saw her eyes were huge in startlement. "Bellamy, we were only messing around. There is nothing to consider and it will never have anything to do with Madi. Not only am I never going to do that to her, I'm not even doing that at all anymore. No one is going into anyone's life."

He saw she meant it. At the moment. But the way RJ had looked at her... And it wasn't like he was the only one. Clarke was a kind, strong, and beautiful genius. It was ridiculous to think no one else was half in love with her at that very moment, let alone in the years to come. The conversation was already happening and the likelihood he'd ever get the chance to say something again was slim. As uncomfortable and anxious as he was, and surely as irritated as she must be, he tried to get his point across so they'd never have to do this again. "That might be true for now, but what about in a month? A year? She's the greatest kid in the world but there are a lot of complications and responsibilities that come with Madi, and-"

"I'm serious Bellamy, not that it's any of your business, but I don't do that anymore. Not when-" Clarke rolled in her lips briefly. "I'm not doing that anymore. That's not going to be a problem, ever."

"Not doing what? I get it's not my business but I care-"

"I'm not doing that," she said, emphasizing 'that,' and when he looked her way Clarke gave a little shrug, staring straight ahead. He searched the profile of her face as they continued to walk, trying to understand what she was saying, trusting Clarke wouldn't let him run into anything while he stayed entirely focused on her. They'd always been honest with each other about the deep stuff and he saw the moment Clarke decided to be open with him and was filled with gratitude that she would. "I mean, look at my track record. One night with Finn, the next day Raven shows up, and I had to-" Bellamy inclined his head sharply, not wanting her to have to say it. "One night with Lexa then she's shot in front of me. Cillian didn't even get his shirt back on." She tilted her head in thought. "Niylah's still alive. Maybe the curse is waking up next to me. I left when she was still sleeping."

Bellamy could not, should not, and never would even dream of judging Clarke no matter what the topic was, let alone that one. Her romantic life had never been his business, she was right, and now knowing about it was... Interesting? Intriguing? He wasn't sure, but what he did know was it made him become momentarily reflective.

Of course she had been with Lexa; they'd been in love. He still felt sorrow remembering the way Clarke had cried after her death and how he'd grieved in his own way, wishing he could somehow take that on to spare her from it. When he'd lost Gina he'd thrown his pain into anger to get through the loss but Clarke was better than that. He knew she was letting it hit her head-on and it had made him feel helpless seeing her heart breaking, and then seeing her force it down to get to the business of saving them all. He'd heard from Murphy a general outline of how Lexa died but he didn't know the two of them had only one night together before it was over. Of all the injustices they'd faced Clarke always seemed to be hit the hardest and it outraged him.

Bellamy recalled thinking the other night about who had last told Clarke they loved her. He'd dismissed Finn as a possibility given how young they'd been and how short of a time he'd seen them always together; always together fighting against him, specifically. He better have been wrong. Not to speak ill - or get angry with - the dead, but Finn had slept with Clarke while still dating Raven, the jackass. He better at least have said he loved her. God, and Clarke- Once again, bearing the brunt of their trauma on earth. She'd not only been forced to murder a boy she cared about to save him, it had been someone she shared more than care with. It had been bad enough already, but thinking about the way Raven had hated her for it, when Finn was the one who had hurt them both, and Clarke had never said a word. Then there was the way afterward she'd asked Bellamy to stay with her because she couldn't lose him too. He'd underestimated how wounded she'd been and was glad that by that point he was already willing to give her whatever she needed. If he'd ignored her and left her alone before she told him to he would hate himself now. More than he already did, anyway.

Also, clearly Clarke didn't know that after she'd left Niylah had been beaten to a pulp for information regarding her whereabouts. When Bellamy had tracked Clarke to that trading post and had been told she had left in the night, any thoughts of her pre-leaving activities were naturally the last thing on his mind. She was being hunted and all he could think about was getting to her first. Now he hoped Clarke would never find out about what happened after their time together. It would not support his no-curse stance. And not that she didn't carry her own weight, but of course Niylah had made it when so many hadn't. Clarke wouldn't leave a former lover behind, apparently. That made sense and certainly sounded like her.

As for Cillian... Bellamy had honestly assumed Josephine had taken over Clarke by then. In the moment, seeing her in her dress and dancing, he'd felt a kind of glad, wistful ache. Just like the present, he wanted Clarke to be happy. The issues he had with RJ didn't exist in that situation. He'd known with certainty that Cillian wasn't someone she'd have more than passing fun with. He was a soft, privileged doctor who clearly hadn't known a day of hardship in his life. Someone like that could never begin to understand or hold his own with Clarke, and she already hadn't trusted him with Madi. Afterward, he'd realized he'd seen the first signs of Josephine the following morning and he thought it hadn't been the Clarke he knew being so flirty and sensual out on the dance floor. She deserved to be. If anyone deserved some carefree fun, it was Clarke.

If anyone deserved to have more than fun - a strong and loving relationship, for instance - it was her. Like what Miller and Jackson had; like what Emori and Murphy had. He and Echo.

"Clarke-"

"I still don't believe that love is weakness. I do believe that for the health and safety of others that kind of love isn't for me." Her lips contorted into a wry grin dripping with sadness she couldn't hide. "I'll never be- It's for the best. I don't plan on- Well, I mean, like you said. Complicated."

"I hope you don't mean that." She was silent. "Clarke, terrible things have happened to us in every possible way. You've had to deal with that the most but you aren't cursed. You've been hurt but that doesn't mean it's always going to be like that. You're safe now. I still have doubts about RJ, and anyone else sketchy trying their luck, but people see how special you are. Someone is going to be good enough, eventually. You shouldn't completely shut down the opportunity for that to ever happen."

She kept walking, done explaining herself. 

"If that's really your plan, how do you think you're going to get that baby you want?"

Clarke froze in her tracks, then turned slowly towards him. "What are you talking about?"

"A little Roan, right?" he said, surprised to see her pale. "Madi told me."

"Madi has a serious problem oversharing with you."

"What can I say? I have a natural gift when it comes to Griffins."

She made an indecipherable noise and took off again, fast enough that he could stretch his legs a little beside her. "That was just talk. I already have one kid to screw up. I don't need another, especially one with my genes. The last thing this world needs is another me."

Bellamy wasn't so sure about that. Madi was their Little Clarke already and he had no complaints other than barely being able to keep up with them. And what was life without a little challenge? There would surely be someone who enjoyed the task as much as he did. Then there was a flash of distraction as Bellamy wondered where he would fit into that. In his mind's eye, he saw Madi and Clarke with some faceless form beside them, a blurry toddler on Clarke's hip. All of them were a family as it was. Would that nameless person get that the two of them weren't a solo-deal?

Interrupting the accidental pause of silence he created as he wondered what Clarke had looked like when she was little and if her child would have blue eyes or that of some random guy's, Clarke cleared her throat. "You're going to have kids," she informed him with complete confidence, "a few."

She wasn't asking him. She was telling him. It reminded him of Echo and their talk, the way she'd asked and he'd answered, and wondered how Clarke had come to that conclusion with so much certainty. "Is that so? Where do you get that idea from?"

"You loved raising Octavia. Anyone can see that. Plus, you basically adopted the Hundred. You went from reckless bad influence to parental real quick."

"And you didn't?" Bellamy tugged his ear and chuckled. "Well, maybe not the bad influence part." That earned a smile from her and he was glad to break the soft sadness she'd been shrouded in. It hadn't been his intention to make her feel that way when bringing up the RJ issue and where things had led from there. 

She hummed in disagreement. "I wouldn't say parental. Maybe 'bossy,' if anything. You took care of them. I told them what to do. Even in the beginning, they thought of us differently. They wanted to follow you and only did what I said because they had to. There's a big difference."

Bellamy thought about their conversation in the Rover and wondered if in their lifetime he'd be able to correct all the ways she thought of herself through some distorted negative lense. He certainly planned on trying. 

Not wanting to turn their conversation into something that made her sad again, he said with intentional joviality, "You're not giving yourself enough credit. No wild kid likes the one that makes the rules and keeps them in line when they need it. And our kids were pretty damn wild," laughing as he said 'our kids,' playing into her saying they'd adopted a gang of delinquents. Which wasn't untrue, actually. "And yeah, they listen to me, but not more than you. Everyone knows that out of the two of us, you're the sure bet when they need help." He remembered what he'd once said about her relationship with Madi and realized that - to a lesser extent - it applied to all of their people. "A mama bear with her hundreds of cubs." 

Bellamy shook his head fondly at the reality of that statement. He'd been beside her the whole time and still didn't know how it happened. She'd grown from the seemingly self-assured teenager he'd landed with into the parental figure for half of all humanity whether anyone but him recognized it or not. She didn't do it flawlessly, but she did better than anyone else ever could.

He'd led her a meandering long route to Raven's workshop so they could talk but it was past the time their meeting was supposed to start and he knew they needed to be there to lead it. As they neared their destination, a last-minute question occurred to him.

"Hey, what did you and Echo talk about?"

"What?" Clarke asked with a confused tone too thick to be real. Her once more quickened pace had his eyes narrowing in suspicion.

"What, did, you, and, Echo, talk, about," he said without harshness but clearly enunciating each word so she couldn't claim to misunderstand him before they got to everyone and could no longer speak openly. "Octavia told me Echo was giving you some kind of advice?"

She gave a non-committal hum. 

Bellamy stopped short. "Clarke."

She turned to face him but kept walking backward, not meeting his eye. "Just saying hi," she told him flatly, not putting much effort into making her lie believable, more focused on getting away.

"Clarke?"

"Talk to Echo." 

"Talk to Echo about what exactly?"

By then she made it through the door and turned away, heading to where Madi was waiting with an especially stern-looking Indra. 

The meeting itself was brief. They were ready. To lessen confusion and get the responses they wanted the announcements would be made in strategic order and timing. Madi would be the figurehead as Heda, the others at her side to physically show support and make it clear that everyone in a position of power within Wonkru's leadership were behind these decisions.

Bellamy thought it was over when Clarke dropped a bomb he would have preferred they discussed in private beforehand. 

"And where exactly will you be living in this little plan of yours?" Murphy asked before he got the chance to.

"I'll go stay in the temporary housing for incoming Sanctum instructors." She delivered this news with calm ease as if she didn't see everyone else sharing dark looks. "Diyoza will take my room and RJ will get a cot in the living room. That way Madi will have double guard duty at night, it will help explain to Wonkru why they are always together, and I'll be there to keep an eye on any Faithful members when they arrive from Sanctum. It makes sense."

Murphy bobbed his head. "Sure, sure, except the part about: all of it."

"Diyoza has a newborn and needs a proper roof to sleep under. RJ is going to be watching either Hope or Madi 24/7. They need to be close by."

"You need to be close by," Bellamy argued, turning from his post at her shoulder to catch her attention. "There are so many complications and potential problems and risks with the scale of changes we're making to people's lives. We can't afford to have you halfway across the camp. You need to be with us."

"We can share a room, like Shallow Valley," Madi suggested. From the few inches separating them he felt Clarke's body stiffen and knew why. She wouldn't be able to hide her new nightmares from Madi in that close of proximity. She would doubtlessly rather sleep in the mud than scare her daughter like that. That wasn't an option and he didn't want Clarke to be the one to let her down.

"That's a good idea, Madi, but I don't think that will work in this case. Things are different here." It was a weak and vague excuse but Madi reluctantly trusted him, chewing on her lip as she nodded.

Wracking his brain for a solution that satisfied Clarke's logic but kept her close, he was surprised to hear Octavia speak up. "I'll do it. They can have my place."

"I don't expect you to-" Clarke began, but Octavia waved her off.

"Diyoza's kid needs to be in a built-out house, you're right. I have one room; she can have that. The guy can be in the living room like he would have been already. I'll go watch the Faithful. You stay with Madi. I'll take care of it."

It was more than his sister had said in front of anyone up until that point as far as Bellamy was aware. He resisted the urge to round the table and hug her then and there. She knew he needed Clarke with them and was willing to give up her safe haven from Wonkru to make it happen. She wanted Hope and Madi to have comfortable homes with their mothers so she was offering to face her paranoia of being around other people to give them that. Octavia's features were hard as she made the offer, her voice soft, and when Bellamy nodded his head to her in gratitude he was glad to see her lips curl in a hesitant smile, which strengthened when she looked at Madi.

When Clarke asked if she was sure, Octavia firmly told her she was and that she'd get the others moved and settled by the end of the following day. With surprising reluctance, Clarke agreed to the new plan. He would have thought she'd be overjoyed to stay with her daughter. Madi seemed a little confused as well, shooting Bellamy a glance that he silently responded to, telling her not to stress about it and that he'd take care of whatever was going on.

When their meeting was over Clarke, Octavia, Madi, Gaia, and Indra left to go talk about details with Diyoza and RJ. He wasn't invited but he knew they had it well in hand. Bellamy's already permanently exhausted mind stretched in ten directions at once. He was mostly frustrated by Clarke making the announcement in front of everyone so he wouldn't have the opportunity to talk her out of it beforehand. More than that, he was grateful for Octavia, but worried about her too; she might be bunking with the people of Sanctum but it would be in the midst of Wonkru members who could easily wish her harm. Maybe she could stay with Echo, and he could go? That defeated the purpose of them all staying together while they dealt with any blowback there might be but at least that way Octavia would be safer. However, she might not be much safer alone with Echo. 

Arranging and rearranging all of them like pieces in a puzzle, Bellamy made his way home when done speaking to the others long after the meeting was over. Miller and Octavia had unresolved bad blood. Putting her and Murphy under one roof was asking for trouble. There was Indra. But why hadn't she offered that during the discussion? Bellamy could tell the others to take his sister in but he wasn't sure it would be a good idea trying that with her.

Entering his house, Echo greeted him as she folded laundry. She'd been at the meeting but left as soon as it was over so she'd beaten him home. He took a seat at their kitchen table and wearily ran his hands through his hair more than once before beginning to unlace his boots. Echo gave thoughtful commentary as he listed off the tasks of his morning in response to her asking about his day, and when it came to his lunch with Octavia the question that had been lurking in the back of his mind since then surfaced. "What did you talk to Clarke about?"

Echo stilled for a half beat and then kept moving casually, asking, "What do you mean?" in a tight, cautious tone. Bellamy stiffened. It was one he hadn't heard from her in a long, long time.

"I mean you spoke to Clarke yesterday. You didn't mention it."

"Do I need to? What did she tell you it was about?"

"She didn't tell me, my sister did. Clarke wouldn't say."

"So you asked her first."

"I saw her first and it came up." It was like with every word either of them spoke the tension grew and he didn't know how to stop it. "Why are you being so defensive about this?"

"I might sound a little defensive because I wasn't aware I needed to report all of my conversations to you. I wasn't aware how little you trust me."

Bellamy's head jerked back, unprepared for that level of escalation. "Hold on, I'm not saying I don't trust you. I'm saying you and Clarke are both acting strange about it and I'm curious why. As my girlfriend, I'm asking you to be the one to explain it to me. I'm trying to be-"

"Trying to be, what? Domineering? Untrusting? I thought things weren't like this between us."

"Open, Echo. I'm trying to be open with you. I thought it seemed off and I'm asking you about it instead of being silently suspicious and letting it become a big deal. And things weren't weird between us until right now when you got this upset when I was just trying to talk about it."

"Can you really blame me?" Her voice was controlled but it wasn't hard to hear the high emotion running beneath it. "I've had people not taking me at my word about anything for years. I tried to help you run this place and no one would listen to a thing I said because of my past. I thought I could count on you to be the one person to not do that to me."

"I am that person. I will take you at your word. I do trust you. All I did was ask one question because I wasn't sure why Clarke would bring up talking to Octavia, but not you. That was strange to me. It wasn't a big deal." 'Until now,' he added mentally and he knew Echo saw it in the way her lips tightened and shoulders squared. 

"You know I've told you over and over to make peace with your sister. I want that, and I want to be on good terms with her, but for now, she still hates me. Things will get better with time but I feel like she's using seeing Clarke and I together as a way to create a problem between us. I'm allowed to walk around camp talking to whoever I want without being interrogated about it."

"Of course you are. This isn't about you talking to Clarke; you both can do whatever the hell you want. I was only asking-"

"Because Octavia gave you a reason to be suspicious of me. Right? I truly think we're going to get to a better place, but in the meantime, I need you to have faith in me, Bellamy. Anything I say or do is for our family. You know how much I care about you."

"I care about you too, and I believe you, but our family is more than you and me. You know that. There's all of Spacekru, Octavia, and Madi, and-"

Echo looked both sad and scornful at that. "If Spacekru is my family, why didn't Monty and Harper wake me up?"

"What?"

"We spent six years with them. We fell in love with them there for all of it, and lived beside them, and we were going to be one big happy family in Eden. That was the plan, right? Nothing was going to change when we got to the ground. We fought side-by-side like a family, we won and then lost as a family, and I thought we all went into cryo as one. So how stupid did I feel, waking up after you and Clarke? Where was 'our family' for that? Monty and Harper didn't treat us like we were some unified group; they made the rest of us second class citizens."

It wasn’t that Bellamy didn’t see her point, sort of. However, thinking about his conversation with Clarke it wasn’t hard to imagine the logic behind Monty and Harper’s decision.

“It isn’t that you weren’t their family. We both know they loved you and under any other circumstance, I’m sure they would have woken all of us up together. It’s only, with the Hundred, we-“

“It always comes back to that. That’s the reasoning you all use for everything you do.”

“I don’t expect you to understand. You were loyal to your queen; we were loyal to each other. We survived because we-“

“Because I was loyal to a crown I can't understand being loyal to my friends? And our family from the Ring is less important than your friends from Skaikru?”

“No, no, of course not. Just listen to me. We are family. They thought so too, I know they did. You need to understand- I’m sure Monty and Harper trusted you as much as they trusted me, and had faith in us as a couple, but Clarke- They watched Clarke basically raise everyone. Themselves included. What she was willing to do to take care of the people she was responsible for, no matter what they did... Any parent would want that for their kid. She’s already shown them exactly how she’d be with Jordan. When it came to waking the two of us first, yeah, a large part, maybe most of it, was about entrusting their son to us. But it was also about Alpha. Again, they’d already seen us lead our people on a foreign planet. It wasn’t an insult to anyone which is why no one is upset about it. No one else. They were basing their decision on experience rather than their feelings. It wasn’t personal.”

“I couldn’t - the rest of us couldn’t - contribute to that? What problem could there have been with us learning about everything together? And I can’t be a good parent because I never chose to adopt damn adults? That doesn't make sense. Having you two separate from the rest of us... It doesn't-"

“Like I said, I don’t expect you to understand. The Hundred was in a past life. You’ve created real and important relationships with all of us, but you’ll never know the people we used to be. That's not your fault. Just like you aren't an Azgeda spy anymore, we've changed; we've become the versions of us you know. That's not a bad thing but when you say we use that as an 'excuse for everything we do,' I need you to get that there's always going to be a unique bond there no matter what new people come into our lives or how much we care about them. It's not that anyone is excluding you. You can’t see what the Hundred sees but that doesn't diminish what you and I have. I'm not saying I'd make the same choice to wake everyone up separately but Monty and Harper had their reasons, and it didn't involve creating a divide between us, I promise you that.”

Echo had long stopped actually folding clothes and was merely going through the motions of halfway wadding them up and tossing them down. She gave up doing even that. "No, they only wanted you and Clarke to raise their child and become the leaders of our new world. Without the rest of us."

"Oh for gods- Echo. Their child is in his twenties, and it wouldn't matter what order we woke up in. Clarke and I would have ended up in charge of this mess regardless. That's the way things have always been. I wish you would have told me you were this upset about it earlier."

"I wasn't until now."

"Until- Why now? If you weren't upset about it-"

"I'm going to Raven's. See you later."

"What? Echo, wait, we need to -" The closing door cut him off.

Bellamy dropped his head into his hands and tried to figure out what the hell just happened. His brain fried from a day of thinking too hard and too much, he dragged himself to bed to stare at the wall and try to make sense of their argument, hoping he'd be able to fall asleep eventually. He wasn't looking forward to his nightmares but at least they wouldn't be this frustrating. 

It wasn't until his eyelids were too heavy to keep open that he realized he still didn't know what Clarke and Echo had talked about. 

\- - -

"Don't be nervous," Clarke said, squeezing Madi's hand reassuringly. "You've got this and we're right here. This is the easy one. Lean into the education part and don't get into details." 

Madi nodded tightly and when she glanced Bellamy's way he gave her the smile of confidence he knew she was seeking. "This is good news. Smile, trust yourself, and when you're ready, hand it off to me. I'll take care of the rest."

With a deep breath Madi got to her feet and tilted her head to signal to Indra she was ready. The warrior beat on their wooden table hard, drawing everyone's eyes as Madi stepped up on the tabletop they'd been sharing. Bellamy, Clarke, Indra, Gaia, Miller, Octavia, Raven, Echo, Jackson, Niylah, Emori, and - still whining under his breath that this was not his business - Murphy, stood around where she was raised above them, gazing outward toward the crowd she addressed. 

"Wonkru!" Her voice came out clear and strong, which had he and Clarke sharing proud glances. 

"Many of you already know about our visitors, here to teach us to plant and harvest in our new world. Today I'm happy to tell you that our lives will soon become even more than shovels, and sycths, and living season-to-season. We have made a deal with our neighbors in Sanctum. They will be sending more people to teach us how to thrive on Alpha. In exchange for sending them guards, they will teach us the land and provide seeds to begin sowing our fields. Additionally, starting today, we ask every able-bodied member of Wonkru to sign up to become a part of beginning to truly build our new home. First will be a medical center, where our people will learn to be healers. Next a school, for our children, then an expanded engineer shop to teach all of Wonkru how to build and repair systems that until now only Skaikru has had the knowledge to handle. Each of your families will have a home built for you; built to last and on your own plot of land. Those who become a part of our building team will have their homes constructed first as thanks for your hard work. 

"This is our future. The start of our new lives begins here, today! We are Wonkru, we are strong, and we are home!"

When Madi held her hand out to him Bellamy took it readily, helping her step down from the table. It was slick with sweat and she was trembling but her smile stayed in place as the crowd wildly cheered. He gave her a little squeeze to let her know she was doing great, shared a final look with Clarke, and stepped up to take Madi's place. He rolled his shoulders as he did, working off his unease. Speaking in front of a crowd was nothing new but the hair on the back of his neck was standing all the same. Attributing it to nerves seeing Madi do it, he focused on the task at hand. 

"Our Heda is right! Wonkru's future on Alpha begins today. When you leave here, share the news with anyone who hasn't heard. We need everyone lending a hand to make that future a reality, the sooner the better. One of us," he gestured to the group of friends and allies surrounding them, "will be here in the mess hall from dawn until dusk every day. Join the building team if you can. We don't only need people who can carry timber. Anyone can shave bark, strip leaves, or hand workers nails as they need them. We can all be a part of building Wonkru up. We also need guard volunteers to make our deal with Sanctum work. Guard duty will entail spending three weeks in Sanctum every other month; your schedule will be predetermined and volunteering will be a year-long commitment. In exchange, you will be putting grain in our land and providing a better way of life for your children and your children's-children. Finally, please come talk with us about your path forward. All of the work we have been doing to learn about your family's ages, skills, and who you live with was for this moment. We know how many children you need to send to school. Help fill the others. If you are interested in learning medicine, how to work technology, if you'd like to learn to be on our scavaging and hunting parties, if you'd like to become an expert on farming our land- Come tell us. Take the night, think about it. We'll be here and Wonkru won't be built in a day. When you're ready, we're here for you."

Bellamy hopped off the table and glanced between all of their friend's grinning faces. It was safe to say step one went well. 

It was especially safe to say it went well when the flood of people who did not need time to consider what they wanted to do with the rest of their lives rushed them. Clarke had accounted for that and their friends spread out to separate tables to thin out the crush of bodies, each armed with a prepared notebook. In it, she'd listed every name along with her suggestions on which occupations each should ideally be swayed towards taking to make things go the way she wanted, based upon all of the information she'd been gathering. Bellamy moved through the crowd, shouting to be heard over the excited voices that everyone interested in guard duty should head towards where Miller was stationed, assisted by Echo. Construction was Indra and Gaia. There was a mechanic table, there was medical, there was farming, there was hunting, there was-

Bellamy went to where Madi was still forcefully smiling at the table they'd made the announcement from. Clarke had a hand subtly stroking her back and was muttering low words into her hair. He could easily guess what they were. 

"You were great. You did perfect," he told her as he joined the pair.

"Really?"

"I already told you that you did," Clarke said with false annoyance, grinning at him over Madi's head.

"Yeah, but you love me." Bellamy heard the little shake in Madi's voice from her nerves now that she was letting herself feel it, but he heard her relief too. "You're always going to say I'm great."

"Oh, and he's not?"

"Madi, don't listen to her. She doesn't know what she's saying. All of this excitement must be getting to her. We both know Clarke gets overwhelmed so easily in moments of craziness and pressure like this, don't we? Thank goodness she didn't get up there. She probably would have fainted."

As intended, that cracked Madi up. Seeing the tension start to ease off of her was probably the only thing that kept him alive given the glare Clarke leveled at him until she broke and covered her lower face to hide the smile he'd put there from the masses. 

Another bout of that shifting discomfort hit him and Bellamy scowled, turning back to search the crowd for it's source.

"Is everything ok?"

"Yeah," Bellamy assured Clarke, surveying their surroundings time and again and seeing nothing out of place. He shook his head and turned back to them. "I think I may be the one letting the moment get to me. So. Step one. Check. How does it feel?"

"Like progress. The hard part hasn't started yet, but we've got this. Right team?"

"Right," Madi confirmed, her confidence returning by the minute.

"Right. I'm going to go lend a hand. Madi, how about you take a breather? Octavia is already headed to your spot," he wouldn't talk about the sparring field with so many nearby, "if you'd like to join her. Working off some of this energy might help you get through the rest of the day. I think it's going to be a long one."

"Yeah, I think I'd like that. I'll see you-"

"Sup, kiddo?" Diyoza said as she sauntered up with a head tilt of greeting. "You ready to blow this popsicle stand?"

"What?" Madi asked as she naturally started to follow Diyoza, Clarke and Bellamy already forgotten in her fascination. "What's a popsicle stand?"

"Oh man, I've got so much lingo to teach you. Now keep in mind, no one in this day and age is going to have a clue what you're talking about, but we'll know your cool, and that's 100% of the battle. First thing- Do you know what a slinky is?"

"I know Madi will be safe with her but I think she might come back speaking a new language," Clarke murmured as they watched the two leave the mess hall.

"Don't worry about it. Speaking Trig, English, and ancient earth slang will be another example of how well-rounded she is. They'll be fine."

"If you say so," Clarke replied as she fought not to laugh again.

"I say so. We've got things handled here if you want to go but I'm guessing-"

"No. I've been waiting for this. I need to check in with everyone, and it looks like the line forming for the construction crew is getting too long, which is good, but I can process-"

"That's what I thought. Let me know if you need me. I'm going to-"

Before the words finished leaving his mouth Clarke was already gone and he chuckled, following her into the barely controlled chaos.

It wasn't until hours later that the throng cleared up enough for them all to take a break. As soon as they did, he and Echo mutually moved to a removed table without needing to talk about it.

"I'm sorry," she said as soon as they sat down. "You were right. I felt like I needed to defend myself to you and I overreacted."

"I trust you. It wasn't my intention to make you feel like I didn't. I think some of the things that came up are-" Echo leaned over and kissed him. 'Kissed' might be too mild of a term. When they broke apart he blinked at her in surprise and then softened seeing the vulnerability on her face. 

"I'm sorry, Bell. Truly."

"Me too. We'll figure it all out. Now that things are getting started, we can-" Bellamy's eyes swept around the room, then he frowned, and did it again.

Firstly, Clarke was suddenly gone. Secondly, it wasn't like he would expect everyone to be staring at he and Echo making out, but it weirdly seemed like he only saw the back of his friends' heads. Some were fully turned around to the point of awkwardness, like where Jackson had swiveled to stare at the tent wall beside Niylah. Except for Murphy, that was. Unlike the others it looked like he had absolutely been watching them the whole time, leaning back in his chair with his arms crossed while Emori whispered to him, poking his chest as she spoke.

Weirded out and mind already whirring from their busy morning, and knowing the lunch rush would probably be as bad as breakfast, he encouraged everyone to grab meals while they could. They did, all gathering at a central table before they needed to break back up. When Murphy went to get he and Emori's rations, Bellamy stepped close beside him to speak lowly.

"You good?"

"Who, me?"

"Yeah, you. You seemed..." How did you call someone 'creepy' without the other person being offended? Remembering he was talking to Murphy and there was no need for such niceties, Bellamy was ready to say exactly that when Murphy shot him a lopsided, dark smirk.

"I'm swell. Just kickin' back, not saying a word."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Murphy shook his head while he huffed out dry laughter and started walking away with their plates. Last minute, he turned back. "Hey, we should grab a drink sometime. You, me and Miller. Boys night."

"In case you've forgotten, the last time we did that it didn't go well."

"Eh. It had it's moments."

Bellamy subtly watched him with wary confusion for the rest of lunch, but after Murphy took a seat between Emori and Miller - the three sharing glances Bellamy felt might be important to get to the bottom of - Murphy didn't look his way again.


	21. Clarke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> STORY NOTE:  
> \- I absolutely could just be feeling particularly emotional, but I made myself cry a little writing this one. If you're very sensitive this chapter might be better enjoyed not in public haha
> 
> PERSONAL NOTE:  
> \- Sorry for the long wait! The last scene here caused some major writer's block. The good news is that it resulted in chapter 30 already being almost done. I think you'll like and hopefully not hate me for it when the time comes... I am definitely getting ahead of myself on the story I want to share with you! I'll work on focusing. As always, I'm so appreciative. Thank you for making something I've always wanted to do but felt insecure about feel so accepted. Thus why I have to thank you a million times over. I hope you enjoy!

"Oh hey- Hold up, hey, hey," RJ said, his greeting turning to concern in the same breath, catching Clarke's arm as she almost barreled straight into him 

"I'm fine," she assured, pulling out of his hold, careful of her expression. "Just a little dizzy. Need- I need some fresh air. Been a busy morning."

RJ's worried gaze slid into the mess hall behind her and the look on his face darkened. "A busy morning watching your boyfriend make out with some chick in front of you, you mean?"

"My- My what?" She didn't need to turn around to get an idea of what he was seeing. "Bellamy? No, no. I meant it, we're not like that."

"Is this my fault?" RJ cast one last angry look inside before turning and dropping a heavy arm across her shoulders, following where ever she was headed.

"What?"

"Is this because of the fake kiss thing? Because it's screwed up either way but if he's doing that to get even or something, I didn't mean to cause you problems.”

"No, seriously." Clarke groaned, rubbing her temple, wishing she didn't have to explain it, wishing she didn't legitimately feel dizzy, and wishing she could stop caring more than she should. "Bellamy and Echo have been together for years. He and I really aren't like that. We're friends. He's my... He's my best friend. Whatever you thought- Oh! Hi, little one." She was so tiny Clarke hadn't noticed Hope tucked into the crook of his arm until she cooed. Seeing beyond her own discomfort she realized she hadn't randomly run into him. “You were going into the mess hall. Go, go. I'm fine."

"Sure you are." RJ said it with a straight enough face and tone she couldn't justify being mad at him but the hint of sarcasm was there all the same. "I was headed that way to eat before everyone showed up. I don't want Hope around so many people this soon. I can eat after; no big deal."

"I'm honestly ok. You should go."

"I'm still working through you telling me your boyfriend has a girlfriend. I don't think it's a great idea for me and him to hang out right now. I'm gonna need a minute."

"Really, he and I aren't- Wait a sec. Octavia!"

“Hey,” Octavia greeted as Clarke caught up to her. “I just dropped Madi off with Gaia if you’re looking for her.”

“I’m not, and thank you.” Clarke didn’t feel the need to beat around the bush. “Please don’t go stay at the Sanctum housing.”

Octavia's quizzically frowned. “I thought you needed someone to watch out for the Faithful. I meant it, you need to be with Madi, and I-”

“I only said that. I don’t think the Faithful are a serious threat.” Octavia raised her brows but Clarke moved on, not wanting to get into the fact everyone needed to get used to life without her there. “I’d like to think Wonkru knows you’re the reason they’re all alive and that they’re looking toward their future so much they’ll let go of the past, but I’m not willing to bet your life on it.”

“Because everyone wants me dead.”

“Because some people don’t see that you bore the burden of keeping everyone alive so they didn’t have to. It’s easier to blame you than imagine what they would have done if you weren’t there to take that weight off them,” Clarke corrected firmly.

“Like you always did.” 

Clarke didn’t know what to say to that so she said nothing. She and Octavia had their extreme ups and downs from the start and she hadn’t been thrilled about the near execution, but how many times had she almost gotten Octavia killed? Gotten them all killed? And after all, Clarke knew with utter certainty that as far as Octavia had fallen, she wasn’t in the position to sit up on some high horse to compare the kind of people they’d become. The kind of monsters the ground had made them to survive.

What had been unforgivable was Madi and Bellamy. However, at the end of the day, Octavia had relinquished power to Madi without a fight. It had been for her own reasons, obviously, but she had been the only one who took her side in trying to save Madi from carrying the Flame. And now she spent every day dedicated to her, going so far as to give up her own home without hesitation to keep them together. As for Bellamy- like she’d thought before, no matter what his sister did she was always going to be a part of him. To truly hate Octavia would be to hate him, and that was something Clarke had proven to be incapable of. Wherever Bellamy was on the journey towards forgiving her, Clarke would stand beside him.

Octavia had a long road to walk on her path to redemption but for all of that, Clarke was willing to give her the chance to earn it, and shortcuts along the way.

“Thank you,” Octavia said, breaking the moment of silence. “For sending Bell my way. And...” Octavia heaved a big sigh, “all of it. You know, there were multiple times I thought ‘what would Clarke do?’ while we were in there. I didn’t understand so much- Ton DC, Lincoln, Mount Weather - until I was the one who had to make the hard calls. And the things I-” Octavia’s voice faintly cracked and so did Clarke’s heart for her.

“You did the best you could. Yeah, mistakes were made. Big ones. Things you’ll spend the rest of your life wishing you could take back. That’s what leading means.”

“You hate me. You have to hate me for what I did to you and Madi and Bellamy. What I did to everyone.”

“You’re very wrong about that,” Clarke said with no small amount of pity, referencing when Clarke said Octavia likely hated her more than Echo. “If there is anyone who can understand that you hate yourself more than I ever could, it’s me. We’re not like we used to be, sure, but we are the Hundred. I’ll always know you, which means I know how hard those years must have been for you.” Clarke thought about the woman Octavia had been when she entered the bunker and the one who’d left it. “I’m sorry Bellamy and I weren’t there to help you. Please don’t stay with the instructors from Sanctum. Stay with me and Madi. You’ll be safe with us and I know how much the two of you care about each other.”

Octavia regretfully shook her head. “Thank you. So much. For the offer.” She took a moment to gather herself. “You need alone time with her; she needs alone time with you. I see how much she loves you- I know Bellamy is the same; the way he looks when he sees you two together. The kind of love you have for each other is- I've never seen anything like it. I get Madi every morning already. I’ll stay at my place with Diyoza. Tracking Gabriel before the fight for Sanctum we started getting along, if you can believe that.”

Clarke wasn’t sure if Octavia meant it was unlikely given their past with one another or unlikely because she didn’t think she was worthy of friendship. She could relate but didn’t want to press her on the issue as Clarke herself wouldn’t want to be.

“When Diyoza starts making you want to tear your hair out, you’re always welcome.”

“I’ll keep that in mind but don’t worry. I’m sure Diyoza and I will be fine. We’re like two peas in a mass-murderer pod.” Octavia tried to smile at her but it came out more pained than amused.

“Three,” Clarke clarified. “There are three peas in our pod.”

That earned a bit of sincerity in Octavia’s smile and with that win, they wished one another farewell, Clarke dropping back to veer one direction with RJ as Octavia continued on.

“Everything good?” RJ asked, and Clarke couldn’t help but notice how his eyes lingered on Octavia’s retreating back.

Remembering the way RJ had loved making her embarrassed in the market when he realized their people’s praise bothered her, and that he - incorrectly - assumed Bellamy was jealous and went out of his way to poke at it, Clarke realized his sense of humor could be best defined as ‘screwing with people.’ And two could play at that game.

“You said your type is women you’re not scared of, right?” RJ chuckled and dipped his head in acknowledgment. “You should go for it with Octavia.”

“I don’t know... You think?” he asked, confirming the way he’d looked at her in the med tent and watched her now was out of more than mere curiosity.

“Oh yeah,” Clarke assured, trying to keep her mischievous grin to herself. If RJ was scared of her, Octavia would terrify him. “She’s got some walls up and a bit of a bad reputation but under it all, she’s as sweet as they come."

As she said it, Clarke realized how much she wished it was true. Once upon a time, Octavia had been the gentlest of them all. She’d seen past their rightfully earned original prejudices against the Grounders and fallen in love with Lincoln despite everyone’s disapproval. She’d been the first to bridge the gap between their peoples by being vulnerable enough to ask to be Indra’s second, willing to get her ass kicked over and over and proving that Skaikru weren’t all as weak as had been assumed. Time and again she’d reacted with compassion, to an extent including what she’d done in the bunker during their bad year. Clarke hoped Octavia’s secretly soft heart wasn’t so blackened and damaged that it was beyond repair.

"Tonight's my first turn with Madi," RJ pointed out as they reached Clarke's door. "Thank you again for trusting me and I promise you I'll keep her safe. I get she's always gonna be your baby and your always gonna worry, but I swear I won't let anything happen to her. From what you've told me there's a lot on your plate; in that department know we've got you."

Clarke thanked him, his words bringing to mind Bellamy's overreaction the day before. Not that she didn't appreciate the extremity of his concern when it came to Madi, his assumptions that RJ was going to take some kind of fathership role was so ludicrous she would have laughed if she hadn't been so taken aback. 

Where their conversation had led from there surprised her even more, in an entirely different way. It hurt. Of course it hurt. That said, the mindset she'd had entering it and the way their relationship had begun to heal, the kind of hurt she felt was like scrubbing a raw wound clean of debris. She wanted it to end but there was some sort of satisfaction in it; she'd felt like through the pain it was cleansing.

Talking about her cursed love-life brought to the light of day such a deeply tender and brittle piece of herself. It was one she did her best to not acknowledge at all but in that moment with Bellamy, she felt like she could. There was no doubt in her mind that he'd never judge her and that he'd be gentle with something so fragile.

When the conversation had moved on to children it had touched another sensitive nerve. She needed to have a real talk with Madi about telling Bellamy everything. While they'd waited on earth hoping the others would someday come back it had been before Clarke had realized the extent of her feelings towards Bellamy were - so clearly now - more than very deep friendship. When she had envisioned that future, there had been a part of her that had unconsciously assumed when it came to being a parent it was something she'd take on with Bellamy. She hadn't really thought of her child being his, per se, it had simply seemed obvious. Like he'd said, in some ways it had been like they'd raised the Hundred together. When it came to sharing the responsibility of raising her own human being, it was something she naturally pictured him being a part of. In reflection, that had been an aspect of the blow she'd felt seeing he and Echo kiss for the first time and feeling like the rug had been pulled out from under her.

Which brought her to the next level of the agonizing purification of their conversation. As certain as she was that she'd never have a biological child, she was equally certain Bellamy would. Thinking about that, she felt real joy through the sorrow. Sure, they wouldn't be hers, but Bellamy would be so happy and that was all she could hope for. He deserved happiness and any way he got that was something she wanted, no matter how much it hurt to think of dark-eyed children she'd never have the right to love like she wanted. 

When he'd brought up Echo, Clarke had felt too vulnerable and open with him to convincingly lie. Knowing she'd be leaving them soon and the validation that it was for his own good had hurt in a way that simply hurt. So instead, she'd bolted, leaving Echo to spin their conversation however she saw fit.

The reminder that she needed to prepare them all of her exit eased any guilt she felt explaining she'd be distancing herself by moving. While touched by Octavia's selflessness she'd also been frustrated those plans had been foiled.

Clarke felt like it was likely digging into things previously left untouched with Bellamy that explained the depth of her conversation with Miller that night. They'd once again sat by her fire, passing back and forth their bottle of moonshine she was sure she'd never be willing to sip in any other context. As it was, it was something to do with their hands as they spoke and after awhile there was a languidity that came from it that seemed to ease the words.

"It was Lincoln," Miller had told her. "At the dropship, when we captured him. Tortured him. That was my first nightmare, and it's still in there even though so much worse has happened since. That was the first time I did something awful mindlessly following, then taking things too far."

"What we did to Lincoln isn't on you. He was all of our first step into hell. Bellamy beat him, I told him to, Raven electrocuted him... Octavia was the only one with any mercy. She was the one-"

"I don't want to talk about Octavia."

Clarke bit her lip and nodded. Her feelings about Octavia weren't ones Miller was ready to hear. She was at a loss how to address what was between them at the moment.

"Finn," Clarke whispered, meeting the level of his admission. She could feel the attentiveness of Miller's eyes on her. "Finn... Lexa told me what I did to him would haunt me forever. And she was right. What I did to him... Haunts me."

"We all have-"

"No, you don't understand. He- They-" Clarke gnawed the inside of her cheek and then took the leap of faith, trusting him almost as much as she'd trusted Bellamy to not let her fall. Miller was the one to come to her willing to lay what the horror of their past had done to him at her feet. She hoped that meant he would empathize instead of thinking she was crazy. "I can hear them. In the Red Sun, I could see them. They are in my dreams every night. All of them. All of the people I killed are waiting every time I let my guard down and they tell me-" Clarke shook her head, eyes squeezed tight. Thinking about them was enough to give them power. In her mind, she heard Finn reminding her he loved her and that she killed him, and it was followed by Jasper saying that of course she did; she was the angel of death. "Finn, Wells, Luna, Maya... Jasper. Lexa. My mother. My father. The people of Ton DC, of Mount Weather, of-"

"Clarke,” Miller interrupted, drawing her back into the present. "None of that is all on you. Please trust me on that. You never meant to hurt anyone and that counts. What happened with Finn was, as much as it sucked, a consequence of his own actions. You saved him from the torture he'd been sentenced to for what he did. You didn't do anything wrong; you saved him."

"He did that for me. He killed those people because of me."

"You never asked him to. You never wanted him to. Finn was his own man and he made his own choices. You're not responsible for every awful thing that's happened, Clarke. You're not responsible for most of them. You're asking me to believe what you're saying about me; please try to believe me too. What happened to Finn wasn't your fault. You saved him."

Miller had turned toward the fire, letting her wipe her cheeks without an audience. In unspoken agreement, after that they'd turned to lighter topics, bearing as much of their souls as they could stand in one night.

When she'd slept they'd all been there, but when Finn told her she'd murdered him in cold blood, a little part of her had disagreed. When she'd woken up desperate to tear her own heart out it hurt so much, there was the faintest whisper in her ear that that wasn't fair.

In the morning it had felt like she could breathe a little easier. Things had gone perfectly with their announcement. She hated Madi having to be the one to speak with a vengeance but there had been a level of pride there as well. They couldn't take back Madi being Heda and Clarke would have to someday find a way to live with that. As it was, her daughter was handling her role with an inner strength that any mother would be proud of. 

The high she was on faltered slightly when she saw Bellamy and Echo break apart from the group. Reminding herself that she was happy if he was happy, and that was all that mattered, she'd still felt that swift and hard punch to the gut she received any time they were publicly affectionate. Thanks to Josephine that was accompanied by a slight shift in the ground beneath her. 

Murphy was the only one who knew how she felt about Bellamy and glancing his way saw he was looking right at her, face blank but eyes soft. She didn't know what caused his reaction but Miller shot out of his seat, stepping her direction. Their visits must have made him more aware of her expressions. He must see something was wrong. She was causing a scene. She was giving herself away. The earth rolled a little more and Clarke scurried out of the mess hall before Bellamy could come up for air and catch her the way Jackson had. She couldn't hide things from him the way she did with everyone else. She couldn't risk him seeing her in that moment.

After RJ walked her home and hung out for a while, leaving only when he felt certain the lunch crowd would have dispersed by, Clarke found herself a bit less frantic than usual in the quiet. She drew Madi standing on the table at breakfast and then Miller in the chair he'd claimed as his own by the fire, choosing to capture a moment he'd been laughing.

Checking the time, Clarke realized it was later than she'd thought, having lost herself completely in her art. 

Popping up, she grabbed the satchel she'd already packed with the books she'd borrowed and headed out. It hadn't been a full week, but she'd asked Gabriel over the radio and he'd given the go-ahead on providing another treatment early. Right now they were still in the simple phase of people signing up for work. Soon it would be harder and leaving to see him would become more difficult. Also, she saw marked improvements with every visit. She needed to be as strong as possible, and as another horrible visit to that damn lab was what it took, that's where she needed to go. 

On top of it all, Russel had to be transferred. She wouldn't let herself think of that yet, however. There was only so much she could dread at once while keeping one foot in front of the other.

In Raven's shop, she found a few of her friends lounging, apparently taking their turn at a break before the possibility of another rush at dinner. Clarke was happy to see RJ was there and talking to Emori, while Murphy, Miller, and Jackson were wrapped up in their own conversation. He must have run into them in the mess hall and was glad the friendliness she’d spotted between them was sticking.

She took the time to confirm their plan with Miller. They all needed to stay in Wonkru to help with everything going on and having a larger group descend on Sanctum at once would give away that something was different. Instead, Clarke would radio over under the pretense of asking if they needed her to come back yet or if they could spare her for longer, making it sound as if she wasn't going anywhere, even though the Faithful would have no reason to suspect her visit was outside of the ordinary. When she gave the word an armed escort led by Miller himself would head that way. The moment they arrived they'd shove Russel into the back of their Rover and haul ass back to Wonkru before anyone realized what happened.

Wrapping up the confirmation that they were on the same page and who Miller would be bringing with him - Clarke explicitly telling him not to allow RJ when he offered, seeing he'd started to get a murdery-vibe again - Clarke shuddered at turning to find Echo and Bellamy kissing in the doorway. She hadn't seen him since their last lip-lock, putting out her fire last night as soon as Miller left to deter her other likely visitor. Their kiss wasn’t as passionate as the last time but it didn't make it any easier to witness.

Jackson stepped between her and them, blocking the view.

"You heading to Sanctum made me remember- There is something I've been meaning to show you. I was going to ask you before, then you were there so I didn't get the chance, then we've been so busy, I completely forgot. It's in the northern fields, and we'll have to walk a ways to get there, but I promise you'll like it." When Clarke tilted her head in curiosity he shook his, refusing to answer before she asked. "It's a surprise. We'll have to leave before dinner, so we'll need to eat early-"

"Or we could take it with us."

"Oh, you're coming too?" Jackson asked Miller with playful surprise.

"What, I'm not invited to your cool kids' outing? Yeah, I'm coming with you. I'll grab dinner if you bring our moonshine," Miller told Clarke with a crooked grin. 

Around Jackson, Clarke could hear Bellamy and Echo and bit the inside of her cheek. She was happy if he was happy. She would be happy if he was happy. She could be-

"Wait a second," Murphy said, sounding thoroughly annoyed, "are you guys seriously taking Clarke on a romantic picnic under the stars? Oh hell no. Emori and I have had dibs on a Clarke threesome for a while now. You can't just cut the line."

Clarke choked, feeling herself flush in shocked mortification.

Miller's grin widened, immediately onboard. "Hey, you snooze you lose. We're not missing our turn."

"Don't make me call the guards on you for robbing us," Emori said, brow arched and face serious.

"I AM the guards."

Murphy tsked. "Miller, we're talking about the great sex guards. Don't be obtuse."

"I'm the sex guard. And you are officially being booted to the back of the line, buddy."

Clarke's cheeks were hot under her palms. "Stop. Please stop." 

"What's going on?" Bellamy asked as he walked up, prompting everyone's compressed laughter to explode.

"My question is: do single riders get to use the fast pass lane? Asking for a friend." RJ winked, making it even worse and Clarke wanted to die even as she was laughing as hard as they were.

Bellamy looked between them, ultimately landing on Clarke. "Do I even want to know?"

"No. No, no, you do not," Clarke said but Murphy spoke over her.

"Actually, Bellamy, you're exactly who we need. As a completely neutral third party, your opinion would be so valued. You see, Emori and I have been patiently waiting for our smokin’ hot threesome with Clarke, and now we find out Miller and Jackson are trying to romance her out from under our noses. Then this guy thinks that just because he's not already in a loving, committed relationship he should be an option." Murphy made a disgusted noise then turned to Bellamy. "So whaddaya think? Who do you vote should get the first shot at rolling around under the sheets with our princess here? Sheets I got for her, by the way, so I feel like that should earn us some major points."

"Anything. I will give you anything to stop," Clarke said through the hands now completely covering her face, chest already sore from laughing so hard.

"Alright, that's enough. Leave her alone," Bellamy ordered gruffly.

Clarke removed her hands to see everyone grinning wildly. Other than Bellamy. He looked almost as red as she surely did.

Shooting Murphy a glare since he was the only one who'd known exactly what he'd been doing to her by dragging Bellamy into it, he stared right back, entirely unrepentant.

"On that note, I'm getting the hell out of here. I'll see you guys tomorrow."

She nearly bumped into Bellamy as she headed for the nearest Rover, barely hopping back in time to avoid contact. He frowned down at her. "Do you want to drive this time?"

"You're not- We agreed you're not coming with me. We need everyone here."

"That didn't mean me." Bellamy seemed sincerely bewildered. "We need everyone else here. I'm going with you."

"No, you're not." She saw his eyes begin to harden with determination and she spoke fast to convince him to see reason before he got stuck in one of his stubborn lines of thinking. "Everything's started now and I don't want Madi alone if anything major happens. Please stay, Bellamy. Cathrine will be there like before; I won't be alone. It's bad enough as is. I can't do it worrying about things here too. I'll be fine. Trust me."

Begrudgingly, Bellamy slowly stepped out of her way. "I trust you," he said, opening her door for her, "but please tell Gabriel before he knocks you out to call if anything out of the usual happens. I'll be there within an hour."

"That's impossible, but I will," she assured him, teasing to ease his frustration.

"I'll be there within an hour," he repeated gravely, as if the mere matters of space and time were of little importance. 

"Ok. I'll let him know. I'll see you tomorrow."

"See you tomorrow." He shut her door for her and glancing in the rearview mirror as she left, saw he'd followed her out of the shop, his arms folded as he watched her go.

Arriving at Sanctum, Clarke was surprised to see that instead of Gabriel, a teenage boy was waiting to greet her.

"Clarke," he said as she exited the Rover, holding out his hand to shake hers with sweet and amusing formality. "I'm Luke. Gabriel will be here any minute. He asked me to wait for you in his place," he told her with no small amount of pride. 

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Luke." Assessing him more closely, Clarke saw he wasn't as old as she'd immediately thought. Still a teenager, but his height and build gave him the appearance of several more years, only the shape of his face revealing he wasn't close to adulthood yet. There was something about him that struck her as familiar. His mop of blond hair didn't bring anyone to mind, or the dusting of freckles across his tanned face. She was trying to place him when Gabriel jogged into view. 

"I'm sorry," he said at once, "our arrangement couldn't start a moment too soon. I need all the help I can get."

"Is everything ok?"

He waved the question off. "We can discuss my problems later. Luke, thank you for your help," he dismissed. As the boy said it was no problem and left them, Gabriel must have seen the quizzical stare she gave his back. "Cathrine's grandson. He's a good kid." That's what it was. He had his grandmother's wise, kind eyes. 

"Anything you have to say for yourself?" he joked, trying to lighten the mood as Clarke's anxiety grew by the second. She didn’t bother repeating Bellamy’s silly demand. If something went wrong she had full faith in Gabriel to handle it and contact Bellamy if he needed to. The good friend that he was, all she had to do was shake her head before he pulled a syringe out of nowhere and plunge it into her neck.

Waking, things were no different than before. The room had her shamefully sobbing, and begging them to let her go, and ultimately singing while staring into those kind eyes she knew well enough to be recognizable on someone else's face thanks to Cathrine's pity on her. For a moment Clarke wished Bellamy was there and mid-panic swore to never admit that to herself again.

When she woke in the morning everything followed the same strange routine they'd created. Cathrine was there holding her hand, Gabriel came for her and gave her something for the pounding headache she always had after a treatment, and they settled themselves out on the veranda to enjoy their breakfast and each other's company. The only difference had been calling Wonkru on the radio, giving them the green light.

"Tell me what's been going on," Clarke asked him as soon as they sat and he gave her a full report on the state of things in Sanctum. On top of the existing problems, the Faithful had twisted their plan of sending instructors into a ploy to divide their people - which, to be fair, it was to an extent but how dare they use that against him - and were using it to add momentum to the civil unrest. Fortunately, Gabriel saw the vision of Sanctum and Wonkru living in harmony and was determined to stick to their plan no matter the problems it caused in the moment. He was glad to hear things in Wonkru had started off so well and they each traded ideas amongst their companionable banter.

"What's with the leg?" he eventually asked, gesturing to where the outline of a bandage could be seen under her clothing. She told him about what happened with the prisoner and laughed when he had a minor heart attack over it, teasing him for being so sensitive while he calmed himself enough to tell her that while he appreciated that she never bored him, he'd kindly thank her to stop going above and beyond doing so.

When she asked about stealing more of Josephine's clothes he'd naturally accommodated her, calling for Cathrine and asking her to pack plenty for Clarke to take while they continued to talk. Gabriel informed her autumn on Alpha was coming, its severity light enough that it wouldn't deter growing crops. She'd returned his books and they'd spoken about her questions regarding therapy, Gabriel heavily hinting at ways it applied to her while she fixated on how she'd use it to help Miller.

It ended when Luke came running to let them know her people were passing through the radiation field. Their time had ended too quickly and Clarke wanted to drag her feet leaving but she had no excuse. As they followed Luke, Gabriel admitted within the boy's hearing how much he had stepped up lately and was proving himself to be invaluable. Luke's spine straightening and the cocky pep in his step had them exchanging smiles. Clarke tried to focus on the simple kindness of that, and how that thoughtfulness was so signature of Gabriel, and the relaxed enjoyment she'd felt all morning, as the reality of what was about to happen started hitting her. Halfway, Luke left them to go deliver the secret signal Russel's guards had been given.

Bellamy jumped out of the Rover before it came to a full stop. Clarke half expected him to spin her to check every angle given he was examining her so closely - as if he could see her brain on her sleeve - and she had to repeat that she was fine.

And then there he was. Hands cuffed, Russel Lightborne was being led towards them between a healthy-sized group of guards. She didn't see them. All she saw was that face, and the ice-blue eyes that met hers as he approached.

"Clarke, I-” he'd said as he neared, receiving a smack upside the head to shut up from Gaia as he was transferred into their custody. Russel took it like the weak man he was, giving off a little grunt of pain at so light of a tap. He didn't know what pain was. He had no idea. He never would have survived what they had gone through. What she'd survived, what her mother had survived, what they'd suffered to keep living through. Only to have him be the one who... Who...

"Need anything else?" Miller asked when they were done throwing Russel into the back of the Rover, opting to hog-tie him rather than trust his Sanctum cuffs while she'd been lost in the growing terror in her own mind. She'd just received another treatment and felt stronger than ever, yet the whole world was spinning before her eyes.

"No," Clarke responded calmly. "That's all. You go ahead. I'll be right behind you."

He dipped his head in acknowledgment and headed for the driver's seat. Noticing Bellamy linger, Clarke added, "You should go with them. We should have as many eyes on him as possible."

Careful not to give herself away, Clarke then turned and made for the small room off of the palace entryway they'd used when she'd first been ill, focusing on every step to hold it together until she was in private.

The moment she was she fell to her knees, covering her mouth to prevent any noises from escaping as she fractured into a thousand pieces. The lab was bad. It turned out Russel was no better, except this time there were no walls to keep her reaction hidden. She had seen him out in the open, where anyone would witness how weak she could be. She shook trying to hold in her screaming.

Then Gabriel was touching her shoulder. "Clarke, tell me what's happening."

It took several tries before she could drag the ragged words out. "I can't. I-You know what he did. I can't-"

"I do, but this is how therapy works. We talked about this. You need to tell me what's going through your head right now. I know what he did. Breathe. Tell me what you're thinking and breathe."

"When... When he..." Clarke dug her nails into her own skin, trying to anchor herself to the world enough to speak instead of falling into the abyss she felt opening under her. "When he took me I was- I couldn't fight back. There was nothing I could do. I couldn't save myself. He took me to that lab and he- he told me not to cry and wiped away my tears before he killed me. He thanked me for- for giving them a gift, like I had a choice. The last thing I was ever going to hear was him saying I wouldn't have to fight anymore, I'd be at peace, like I wanted. Like I wanted them to do it. I wanted peace with- peace with my- I didn't want to die, I didn't want to die, I- The last thing I was ever going to feel was him kissing my forehead and everything started getting dark and I couldn't stop it, I- I didn't want to die and there was nothing I could do and I would never get to say goodbye and when it all went black the last thing I was- I was ever going to see was Russel looking down at me."

"Clarke, breathe, you have to breathe." She barely heard him, what happened pouring out of her now that the floodgates had opened.

"And he did that to my mom. He took her in there and he- he- and he- She couldn't move, or speak, and he stole her and she couldn't fight back and I wasn't there to protect her and I never got to say goodbye and the last thing she felt or heard or saw was him. I know what it was like. I was so helpless and scared and heartbroken and he did that to her too. She felt that. I wasn't there. He did that to her. He took her away like he tried to take me and I couldn't stop it. He took my mom and I'm never going to see her again. He killed me and he killed my her and I'm never going to see her again."

"Clarke, you have to breathe. You're going to pass out."

She tried to listen, catching her breath enough to sob, "I miss my mom."

"I know, I know you do." Big arms that could only be Bellamy's wrapped around her and Clarke dropped her head against his chest to cry. He hadn't left her. She let go of where she’d been digging into her own flesh and gripped his shirt, letting him be her anchor instead. She dimly knew he was rocking her, the lips pressed near her ear forming meaningless words of comfort. "I'm here, you're safe, I know you do, I know, he'll never touch you again, you're safe, I know you miss her, I'm here..."

She wasn't sure how long they were there. It felt like an eternity and it wasn't nearly enough to cry out all of the pain. However, it eased to the point she could remember there was more. Beyond it, there were things that needed to get done. She could allow herself to feel the raw gaping hole in her heart where her mother should have been, or she could get on with the business of taking care of her people. She couldn't do both.

Forcing herself to draw in deep, even breaths, it took hardly any time at all to lock it away once she set her mind to it. Practice made perfect. 

While returning to her senses, she fully realized where she was. One of Bellamy's arms was wrapped across her upper back, a hand gently fisted in her hair, the other around her torso, both clutching her so fiercely it was like he was trying to absorb her into himself. Still where she'd fallen to her knees, Bellamy's rested on either side of hers, his cheek pressed against her, and he hadn't stopped whispering assurances while swaying them.

When Clarke began to pull back he didn't immediately let her go, holding on even tighter for a moment if that was possible. It almost made her start crying again, wishing she could stay there and let him comfort her. But Russel was on his way to Wonkru. She needed to check on Madi. She needed to assess how their plan was going. She had to get the hell out of Bellamy's arms before she got too used to being there. Life wasn't going to wait for her to fall apart. She had to get up and keep moving.

Her second attempt she cleared her throat and leaned away more pointedly and Clarke, for the hundredth time, fell in love with Bellamy all over again when she felt the extent of his reluctance to let her go. He knew she wasn't ready. Respecting her wishes, he slowly let her ease away and she sniffed back the lingering tears, scrubbing at her face to clear them. It took a long shaky exhale to be willing to lift her gaze to meet his because- yes. As expected, those dark eyes were looking at her with so much intense emotion it was almost hard to take. It made her want to flinch as much as it felt like exactly what she needed. He saw all of her pain and understood it. He hated it. He cared, so much, to the point of making it his own.

"We have to-" She cleared her throat once more as her voice cracked and trembled. "We have to get going."

"Clarke," was all he said, softly.

She shook her head, and when she shifted to stand Bellamy fell back and used his hands to steady her as she got to her feet. There was a pause as he lingered where he knelt, hands loosely on her hips, searching her face as if trying to find the answer for a way to fix the unfixable. When she took a step back he clenched his jaw and straightened, accepting the reality of the situation like she knew he would. Bellamy knew as well as she did that they had responsibilities waiting.

Turning, she found Gabriel in the doorway, leaning against it in profile. Staying, while giving them space. As she moved toward him Clarke was startled when her friend pulled her into a hard hug, and laid a kiss on the top of her head with equal force. It wasn't that she was opposed, she and Gabriel had simply never been affectionate before. When he just as swiftly pulled back Clarke saw his wellspring of compassion, but also a kind of agony.

"Gabriel, it isn't your-"

"I made the serum. I figured out the chips. Of course it's my fault."

"No one is responsible for what Russel did but Russel."

"I'm sure Oppenheimer didn't feel like who dropped his bombs mattered; he was the one who'd put the weapon in their hands. I'm no different."

"Yes, you are." Seeing the abject disbelief on his face she caught his arm to press her point, "You're entirely different."

"Please, don't," he said, taking large steps back out into the hallway. "Please. Get home safe. I'll see you next week." 

Before she could say more he turned and strode away. Clarke wished she could go after him but she had wasted so much time already and couldn't spare any more. As much as she hated leaving him behind that way, Gabriel would have to wait.

"Can we catch up to the other Rover?" Clarke asked with guilt as they closed the distance to the one that remained. She and Bellamy ought to be there while they unloaded Russel in front of Wonkru, the thought of seeing him again making her shudder, and her meltdown could have cost them that. It took her until they were peeling out to realize he wasn't going to respond. "Bellamy?" Glancing his way she saw why. He'd never unclenched his jaw, to the point she'd imagine it was almost painful. "Bellamy," she said forcefully, which after a delay had his eyes slowly sliding her direction. The feelings they held had shifted from wounded to something more complex she couldn't decipher before he was focusing on the road again. "Can we catch up?"

He nodded in jerky motions and floored it. As they drove in silence, she wondered what to say. If she apologized for breaking down it would get him started on how she had every right and want to get into what she'd revealed. If she thanked him he would tell her that's what he was there for and he'd encourage her to talk about it. If she asked how he was feeling he would lie and ask her the same thing, which she'd lie about too. 

Checking on him in her peripheral vision now and then, she noted the tik in his jaw had not ceased. She knew he'd come a long way from the boy she'd once known. That Bellamy wouldn't have let this go and acted rashly about it. This one? He needed some time to cool down and then would refocus on the next item on their long to-do list. She only needed to wait him out. As they neared Wonkru she began to grow worried that wasn't true until he seemed to instantaneously calm. One minute Bellamy was a cloud threatening torrential downpour and the next subtle glance she took, he was as calm as a clear blue day. She would have thought it would make her proud but all it did was hurt to see he had learned to turn his heart off as much as she had. 

They didn't arrive quite in time, only enough to see the back of Russel as Miller dragged him out of the truck and shoved him into the 'cell' Indra had constructed. No more than an 8x8 ft structure with an intentionally low ceiling, a hole built-in to use as a toilet, a dirt-packed floor, and no bed, she truly had gone out of her way to ensure his space would remain as uncomfortable as possible. Not that it would ever be enough. 

When she hopped out of the Rover she felt eyes on her from every direction. Too drained from her treatment and hysterical fit to fake it for long, she refused to look back and asked generally that someone provide her with the most recent logs. Emori did so in a flash, and with a vague thankful smile, Clarke took them and headed home, where she was determined to use them to drown out her own thoughts for the rest of the night. 

That was until a rhythmed knock tapped at her door some hours later. 

"Are you ready?" Jackson asked, standing behind Miller and carrying a box with handles, wiggling it in her direction like the rations within were some kind of treat.

Recalling his invitation to, as Murphy phrased it, have a 'romantic picnic under the stars' with them, nothing sounded less appealing. Miller had become too tapped into her emotions to convincingly act like she was fine and Jackson's constant soft care begged for an opportunity to break down. She'd had enough of that for one day. "I'm sorry, I don't really-"

"Nuh-huh. You promised and we're here to collect. Let's get going."

"I in no way promised," Clarke told Miller, reviewing their conversation in her mind to make sure that was true. It reminded her of what had been said which caused a smile to come to her face she could barely suppress. They were all ridiculous.

"Sure you did," he waved off, pushing past her into her house and picking up their bottle, "and look, I'm even taking on your only chore. I'm so helpful. Are you really going to let down an old friend as helpful as me? No. You're too considerate." He started going to her room, as always casually comfortable treating her home as his own. "Do you have a favorite jacket? It's starting to get a little cold after dark."

As he went in, Jackson took a few steps forward, catching her eye and mouthing 'I'm sorry about him,' his expression saying the exact opposite. 

Her coat over one arm, bottle in hand, Miller herded her out while Clarke fought not to laugh. She supposed she hadn't paid much attention to it since he rarely asked for anything, that when he did Miller almost always got his way, his determination more amiable than hers or Bellamy's.

"So, where are we headed?" Clarke asked with false reluctance as they began walking north. The truth was as set as she'd been to spend the night burying the day's events in work, this was already turning out to be a pleasant alternative.

"It's a surprise," Jackson reminded her. "You're going to love it, I swear. It will be worth putting up with him." He inclined his head toward Miller who winked instead of argued.

"I don't know, that's a pretty big promise to make."

The time passed quickly. Miller and Jackson were easy-going to talk with, their conversation widely ranged from current events in Wonkru, Diyoza and RJ, Madi, what was going on in Sanctum, and random side tangents in between. 

Jackson announced they'd arrived when they entered a large clearing, placing a blanket to sit on in the center. There didn't seem to be anything special about the area but Clarke was enjoying their company too much to give it much inspection, trusting him to know what he was doing.

They ate as the sun began setting, Jackson taking Clarke's side on the moonshine being too nauseating to drink while eating. Miller said they were wusses but Clarke noticed he happily didn't touch it either, likely bringing it for the sole purpose of baiting them, because of course he did.

It wasn't long after full dark that it began, starting slowly then picking up speed.

All around them, dark flowers she hadn't noticed in the nearby trees began opening, so quickly it was easily visible to the eye. Inside, they glowed a vibrant green. What had to be seeds began releasing, drifting and swirling in the breeze, illuminating the entire clearing in an otherworldly light.

"I told you you'd love it," Jackson said. Clarke closed her awed mouth and glanced his way, seeing the wonder in his eyes as they reflected back the softly shifting sources of light.

"Yeah. Called it." It had apparently been a surprise for Miller too because he seemed as entirely unprepared for the display as she was, transfixed on the beauty of it all.

"How? Why?" Clarke murmured.

"The bioluminescent seeds are so easy to spot they attract pollinators all night instead of competing with other flowering fauna during the day," Jackson explained with equal quiet, also not breaking the sacred silence. "I read about it in one of the Alpha medical books. The seeds are poisonous to humans in this form, but if exposed to sunlight over a length of time and then boiled they become a powerful sedative. They're the base for what Sanctum uses in their tranquilizers."

No wonder the damn things were so strong, Clarke thought with a grin. They were made out of magic. 

Quietly Clarke asked what else Jackson had learned while Miller shifted to his back, staring upward for the best view. It wasn't long before he began softly snoring, lulled by the beautiful peace.

"I wish Abby could see this," Jackson told her wistfully. 

Given the day's events that was a particularly touchy subject. But with him, in this place, it didn't wound her as much as she would have expected. She wished her mother could see it too.

"I..." Clarke laid down like Miller had. Partly to best enjoy the beauty of the world around them and mostly to avoid having to make eye contact. He seemed to get the idea, lying at an angle beside her so their heads were close, best for whispering into the night. "I miss my mom. So much."

"Me too. Every day." Clarke heard more in the following pause than any condolences for her loss could ever express. "When I read about this place the first thing I thought was how amazed she'd be too. I was half turned around to tell her before I remembered. It almost felt like losing her all over again."

That was enough for tears to begin sliding down into her hair. She nodded, knowing he couldn't see it but that he'd feel it. "After everything that happened. What happened. With Sanctum," she forced out, trying to keep her voice steady. "All I wanted was her. I felt so... I wanted more than anything for my mom to hug me. I felt so guilty about what I'd done; the people who died. I needed her to hug me and tell me I could come back from that. That despite it all I could still become a good person. And that she could still love me."

"You're already a good person. I've always known that. I've known since I first started learning medicine, and my teacher's daughter would follow her into the med bay every chance she got rather than play with her friends. Even then you wanted to help people more than anything. Me? After what happened in the bunker? I was dying inside from the guilt and I know she hated what I'd done. I thought she hated me. Blamed me. But Abby has-" Clarke heard his hard exhale of breath, the startled sound you'd make missing a step on the stairs, and could relate. "The last thing... The last thing she said to me was to 'turn the page; do better today than we did yesterday.' She... was... such an incredible person. The best. The best I'll ever know.

"And Clarke, you know I spent nearly every waking moment with Abby. She was my mentor and my friend and I would have followed her off a cliff. So I can say with complete authority that she loved you more than anything. She forgave you for everything. She believed with her whole heart you were a good, and kind, and intelligent person. She was so, so proud of you. You were her world."

Clarke's body ached from the pain of hearing him say those things, knowing it was true as he said it. Jackson really did know her mom best. As he spoke it almost sounded like her voice was in the breeze, echoing each sentiment. "That almost makes it worse. There were so many fights between us and I let her down so many times. I broke her heart, I hurt her, by pretending to be Josephine in front of her. That's one of my last memories of her. The look on her face when I broke her heart."

"She... You came back. She knew you were ok and died especially grateful knowing you were alive. As for fighting- There was nothing you could do that would lessen how much she loved you, ever. She was proud of how strong you are, even when you disagreed. She loved that about you. You only butted heads because you got it from her. I don't know if you remember but that last time in the lab, when we were all together, I said 'like mother, like daughter,' and I meant it. I mean it. I look at you and I see her, all the time. You're so like her in so many ways.

"And Clarke... I owe you such a big apology. I'm sorry I wasn't with you more after everything happened. You have every right to be angry with me for it. I'm angry with myself. At the time I was so selfishly grieving. I'd lost someone who had defined most of my adult life and I hid in work to try to avoid facing that. Afterward, when I saw you, it was like..." Clarke could hear his tears in the dark. "It made me happy and it made me hurt so much and it reminded me how much I miss her. That's so unfair to you and I'm so sorry. I care about you as a person, Clarke, not just an extension of Abby. I'm sorry I was so wrapped up in trying to get by after losing her I didn't focus on you. That's what she would have wanted me to do more than anything and I let you both down. I'm so sorry."

"Jackson-"

"No, no, please let me finish. I have to..." Now he was outright gently crying as he spoke and Clarke was no different. "I'm sorry for what I did to Madi. With the bone marrow. I'm sorry I didn't think to make myself a nightblood. And I'm sorry- I'm so- I'm so sorry I couldn't get to her in time, Clarke. I tried. I was yelling for her, and trying, but I wasn't strong enough to get to her and I'm so sorry. She was- She was looking right at me and I couldn't get to her. And I'm so sorry."

An ember of tentative, aching hope sparked in her. "She was looking right at you? At the end?"

She felt him nod next to her and that hope flared into such deep gratitude, the reason for her tears shifting with it. Russel hadn't been the last thing her mother experienced on this planet. The last thing she'd heard was someone yelling, willing to fight to be by her side. The last thing she had seen was the face of someone she loved and who loved her. None of it eased the pain of losing her mom but she felt so much comfort knowing that.

"Thank you, Jackson. Please don't be sorry. Thank you for all of it." Clarke slid her hand towards him across the blanket and he took it. "Thank you for bringing me here."

"Anytime. Anytime you want to talk. I'm always here and I'm always going to miss her too. Even if you don't want to talk. The lights glow every night. I'll always come with you."

They silently laid there and watched and cried and held hands for a long time.

Eventually, they woke Miller. He clearly saw the lingering tears in their eyes but didn't say a word as he held out Clarke's jacket to fight off the chill she hadn't even noticed yet, folded up their blanket, and guided them home through the dark.


	22. Bellamy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> STORY NOTE:  
> \- I don't want to give away a spoiler so please see my comment at the end in which I'm humbly asking for input.
> 
> PERSONAL NOTE:  
> \- Great news! If you can believe in the theory of multiverses, I have officially figured out the hellscape that is 2020: we are the bad example. Some powerful being in some other dimension has or will bring over a Main Character to demonstrate why they need to do something they don't want to do in order to save their version of the world. So. You're welcome. I hope it brings you the level of peace that it has brought me knowing a Runaway out there isn't dealing with this shit lol

Bellamy woke up blushing. 

He wouldn't ever admit it - he was struggling to admit it to himself seconds after it happened - but the truth was that instead of nightmares he'd had a... An extremely inappropriate dream about Clarke. 

It was vivid in his waking mind. As he stared at the ceiling it was like it was starting over. They hadn't been naked, though they were close to it. They were standing outside the dropship, the distant glow of flares the only source of light. He could still hear the quiet noises the forest around them had made. His dream wasn't sexual, really. They'd simply been able to touch each other as much as they wanted; not in the way that sounded.

He'd traced the arch of her brow then the curve of her cheekbone, the softness of her ear and along her stubborn jaw, thumb allowed to press against her lips as he did. Meanwhile, she'd been outlining every muscle in his shoulders and arms. They switched and he felt her gentle touch as she grazed the features of his face, his hands skimming over the shoulders that were burdened with the weight of the world, and arms that carried so many to safety. The length of her neck and dip of her collarbone. He had touched her breasts, it was true, he'd felt her nipples in his palms, but with the same delicate exploration given everywhere else. Bellamy's arms had slipped around her and he felt every inch of the bumps and hollows of bones beneath her skin as Clarke reciprocated it all. When he reached her hips Bellamy had fallen to his knees and pressed his forehead against her stomach. He felt her fingertips in his hair as he ran careful hands down her ass, her thighs, her knees, her calves. He'd slowly trailed them back up to hold her hips once again, then tilted his head back to look at her. Clarke had been smiling down at him, serene, and took his face in her hands. They hadn't spoken, they hadn't said 'I need you' but he'd felt it everywhere. Not with lust, just- Not a want. A need. Clarke slid against him to her knees, she'd laid her head on his chest, he dropped his cheek to her hair, and they held one another. That was it. They knew every inch of each other and rested. They stayed that way until he'd woken up.

It would be an outright lie to say he hadn't had a few, well... more 'intimate' dreams to say the least way, way back in the day. He'd been young and spent most of his time with a specific beautiful girl. It was bound to happen; it didn't mean anything and he'd been quick to completely erase them from his mind come morning. It hadn't been all that hard. They were fighting for survival non-stop, they needed one another too much for that to even be an option, and Clarke was a princess pure as- Well, he couldn't imagine a comparison, but he'd been having threesomes as soon as they hit the ground and had no regrets about it. The idea of touching her in any fashion had been so ridiculous it was no different than expecting to see extinct giraffes that were purple. Unrealistic and distracting when he couldn't afford to be. He was only remembering them now because he needed to wipe his mind of this new memory as completely as he had the others, as innocent as it was in comparison. 

He knew that when he'd gotten to the Ring those dreams had only been the result of spending so much time fixated on her out of guilt. He'd wake up disgusted with himself for thinking that way of a girl he'd left behind to die. Not all of them had been like that. Some had been simply peaceful; both of them finally safe in his unconscious mind in a way they'd never been in the waking world. Those were almost worse.

Bellamy had begun falling asleep each night intentionally wondering if she'd felt any pain. How scared she must have been. That was all it had taken to turn every dream he’d ever had about Clarke into a nightmare. That's what he deserved for what he'd done. Clarke deserved better than him leaving her and she deserved better than any of those images of her in his mind after she was gone.

Like the Ring, his subconscious must have been prompted by what had been happening lately. Their friends joking about Clarke in bed and that asshole RJ hanging all over her might have stuck with him more than he realized. Their conversation about her sex life hadn't helped any. 

Not that it was her fault. Above all, he was grateful she was confiding in him again. He’d easily take having to bleach his mind every morning for that. Talking about things they wouldn't talk to anyone else about had been a signature of their friendship from the beginning. It meant everything to him that she felt like she could again. It meant she trusted him. He had his best friend back.

It was wrong of him then, it was wrong of him now, he had confidence in his ability to sweep it under the rug, but before he did he couldn't help but notice that the way he'd held her wasn’t dissimilar to their moments in Sanctum. Bellamy was certain that unlike the dream, the real version had been entered into the ever-growing catalog of memories that would haunt him.

When they arrived back at Wonkru afterward Clarke couldn’t look at anyone. She still wore her calm, controlled mask and Bellamy wanted nothing more than to coax it off. As much as it hurt him to see all the pain she was hiding, Clarke’s real self was better than any persona she could act out and he knew the wounds she was covering up couldn’t heal without being exposed to the light of day.

That said, Bellamy had yanked on a mask of his own. He had no other choice. Driving back he’d been a hurricane of helpless fury, devastated grief, crippling guilt, and... And so much more. Things he couldn't even identify. It was all so much he couldn’t process it, he could only attempt to ride it out.

Trapped in that storm it had taken him longer than it should have to notice the covert looks Clarke was giving him as they drove. Despite everything he knew she was feeling she was still worried about him because she was Clarke, and of course she was. She didn’t need the burden of his emotions added to her own. So Bellamy took a breath, and then another, and then got his face under control. When they arrived he wanted to follow her but he didn’t trust the strength of his will to not slip and let her see what was churning inside him. It would only make things worse. Instead, he’d caught eyes with Jackson and dipped his head towards Clarke. Bellamy knew Jackson cared about her enough to help until he could calm down.

Now, rolling out of bed, Bellamy stifled a groan. He’d visited the sparring yards, planning on working off some of the trapped aggression. He’d gone again and again, with different people as others tapped out and left, past the point of good judgment. The ache of his muscles now paid him back for it.

He'd grabbed his dinner early to avoid the others and ate it up on the watchtower alone, lingering as the sun set, trying to convince himself that the peace of their future would be able to heal all of the wounds of their past. Clarke was naturally at the forefront of his mind given the day but he wanted that for all of them. After all they'd done to survive he had to hope they could finally enjoy their lives. Their people, their friends, and the woman who’d given them all the chance to.

Tugging on clothing in the predawn light, the sting of his hands as he did so made Bellamy feel... He wasn't sure if guilty would describe it. Embarrassed, maybe. He knew it ought to be guilty.

Examining the evidence, he wasn't sure how he'd hide what a mess his hands were. Knuckles swollen and cracked, it wouldn't be a mystery to figure out what he'd been up to. He should have wrapped them before he started swinging. Despite all his efforts none of it had been enough; reason admittedly hadn't been steering the ship at that point. At least he had thought to get Miller first. His friend asked no questions when he'd turned up at his door late in the night, giving only a single tight nod when Bellamy said to stop him from going too far. Not any sooner. 

Jasper had once told him that people died when he was angry. Octavia told him he lashed out and hurt people when he was hurting. In the years since he'd put a concerted effort into proving those statements wrong. He had sincerely thought that time had cooled the fire inside him enough to make acting like that off of his list of options. He'd learned to think things through rather than react on feelings alone. He meant it when he said he didn't want violence to be a part of their lives anymore and that he wanted to finally, finally be the good guy. 

That had flown out the window when Clarke had seen Russel in Sanctum. He knew better than to do what he'd done, and knowing it wasn't enough. It would never be enough. Thinking about the little noises Clarke had involuntarily made trying to stay silent as she broke down, Bellamy could honestly go visit Russel for round two right then. But what he'd done was wrong. Beating Russel black and blue and bloody was shameful. It didn't feel like it but logically he knew he should. Good men didn't act like that. For instance, Gabriel wouldn't have acted like that.

From the moment Clarke had driven away to receive her treatment Bellamy had been tense. He knew what she was putting herself through to get better and hated her facing that alone. When they got the signal to head that way he hadn't fought when Miller took the Rover keys out of his hands, not trusting himself not to break the damn thing. 

When they arrived and he'd confirmed she was really alright, he noticed Gabriel watching them with amusement. He only noticed it for a flash, immediately distracted when Clarke tensed. The moment she'd seen Russel her face had taken on a hard stoicism, one he knew meant she was tunneling down into a place the world around her couldn't reach. When she'd told them all to go on without her and woodenly turned away there was nothing on Alpha that would have been able to drag him away. Following her, when he entered that room to find her crumpled on her knees, her back to him visibly shaking, he'd frozen for a breath, momentarily caught in the web of his anger and regret and pain seeing her like that.

Gabriel hadn't. He'd pushed past Bellamy and sank to his haunches by her side, encouraging her to express what she was feeling rather than locking it all away. And though her words had barely been distinguishable through her choked panic, she'd automatically listened. Why wouldn't she? 

Gabriel had killed the love of his life to save her and defied his own 'Children' when they'd wanted to hurt her. He had been on her side against him before the fight for Sanctum. When she'd shown up half-dead due to Bellamy's neglect Gabriel had taken her in and had intended to hide her from him per her request. He was the one who had convinced her to receive treatment and he'd done all he could to keep her from having to visit the lab. When he'd had no choice but to wake her up in there his regret over how it would hurt her was palpable. Each time she realized where she was the first thing she'd done was scream for him to save her and his eyes were damp by the time they ended. When she'd needed clothing he'd been the one to provide them. He was the one who'd noticed her reaction about the Red Sun. In trying to fix Wonkru Gabriel was who she'd reached out to for partnership, making plans without Bellamy's input, and how before they'd repaired things between them her intention had been to leave Wonkru for Sanctum. Bellamy recalled the morning he'd found the two of them out on the veranda and had felt envious of their easy enjoyment of each other's company, something he and Clarke had lost. The way Gabriel was naturally so careful with Clarke's dignity while she was ill. How he looked at her with such humorously exasperated, charmed, uncomplicated affection. Whenever she needed help she turned to Gabriel, because Gabriel never let her down.

Bellamy knew he couldn't compete with that. Not anymore.

When he'd first seen their friendship Bellamy had been grateful to have Gabriel as an ally in keeping Clarke alive. He still was. There was no limit to his gratitude for all he'd done for her. It still hurt to know that first Roan and now Gabriel were effortlessly better for Clarke than he'd ever been.

So it was in Clarke's best interest that after the fraction of hesitation on his part that had Gabriel by her side first, he forced himself to let them be. She was telling Gabriel what was wrong. He was the one helping her through it and Bellamy didn't want to disrupt that. He stayed still as word after word pummeled him into oblivion. He'd gritted his teeth and forced himself to stand there and take it. It was his fault; he'd known she was a target. Hell, Miller had pointed it out in front of all of them. For all his intentions and promises to protect her over the years he hadn't even tried.

She'd once, in Polis, thanked him for keeping her alive. At Gabriel's, she'd said he saved her. When he knew she could hear him in that cave he told her he wouldn't let her die. 

Yet he'd left her behind to suffer and - so he'd thought - die during Praimfya. The night Russel... did that to her he'd seen her unguarded, vulnerable, dancing and smiling, and instead of going to her he'd walked away. Instead of watching her, he'd left her behind to suffer and die all over again. The fact she fought her way back to life each time he as good as killed her didn't erase what happened or Bellamy's responsibility for letting it happen under his watch. Then, each time, she'd gotten back up and kept going. Bellamy knew that phrase defined one of her many facets. Each time she defied death itself she brushed herself off and then carried on, despite it all. It had always been so easy to follow her lead; to pretend those horrors never happened as entirely as she seemed to. There was so much going on non-stop and they'd needed to focus on getting their people through one back-to-back trial after the next. It pained him to think about any of it and if she didn't bring it up he wasn't going to put them through that unsolicited. Now there was no overlooking that he should have saved her so many times and he should have found the time after he failed to convince her to talk to him. Of course she hadn't really moved past it. She'd just forced down each awful thing. They all had, but no one more than her.

So Bellamy took it as she purged that poison from her system, Gabriel there for her like he should have been. It felt like torture - real, slicing, scarring torture - to hear Clarke's fear as she described her death. He still couldn't let himself think about what it had been like when she'd... when they'd thought she was... In Gabriel's tent. Hearing from her own mouth that she'd been helpless, and how that bastard had touched her - wiping away her tears and kissing her forehead - and that she'd been scared, everything going dark while she so badly wanted to live. That Russel goddamn Lightborne in all ways would have been the last thing Clarke - his Clarke, their Clarke, the abominable Clarke Griffin - was ever going to know in her life... The raw agony she felt about Abby going through the same thing... Any minute Bellamy expected to bleed out from the gushing wounds it all carved into him. He stayed back until she caught her breath enough for her gasping words to build into a sob.

Gabriel didn't move. He stayed where he was, looking heartbroken, but not holding her. He was doing it wrong. Clarke was so strong, and brave, and burdened, for all his failings Bellamy knew that when the time came and she let a crack of what that took from her show she needed to know she wasn't alone. She needed to feel it down to her bones and sometimes words weren't enough. When you were privileged enough to be trusted to witness that moment it was your responsibility to brace that fracture for her. Clarke deserved someone providing her with all of the empathy, and care, and shared strength she needed and that she so readily gave to others.

So while Gabriel was the better man, Bellamy was the man who knew Clarke better. He gratefully took over, meeting her on her knees and clutching her with everything he had until she forced him to let her go too soon. 

When she'd risen he'd stayed kneeling before her, helping her to her feet by her hips, and stared up at her face still wet with tears. Bellamy had wished so badly that he knew how to take away what happened to her, what he'd let happen, and the years that came before it. He wished he knew what Clarke needed from him so he could give it. There had been no answer to his wish. When had there ever been? So instead he had clenched his jaw until he thought it would break and kept one foot in front of the other.

And then he'd dreamt about her.

Shaking his head to clear it of any remnants of that vision, Bellamy froze with his hand on the doorknob. He'd almost left for breakfast alone, forgetting the promise he'd made to himself. Instead, he pulled out a chair at the kitchen table and settled in to wait. As much as their time alone on the Ring had brought he and Echo together, their recent argument had demonstrated that the pressures of Wonkru had begun to pull them apart. She had been right about one thing; he'd promised nothing would change on the ground and he couldn't deny that he wasn't keeping that promise. For being a woman he knew so intimately he'd begun to feel like he understood her less and less with each passing day. There was a lack of communication growing between them he hadn't even noticed until the moment he hadn't known how to have a conversation with her while strong emotions were involved. They hadn't had a reason to argue on the Ring but he knew they needed to figure out how to now that they lived in the real world. Disagreements were bound to happen. He cared for Echo, and respected her. He needed to do better. That entailed going out of his way to spend time with her. Now that Clarke was finally home and helping him run things he could find time for her like he had with Octavia.

When they made it to the mess hall several of the others were still there, Madi and Clarke amongst them.

"There's our brave leader. You're usually here before us; I thought you pulled a Clarke and bailed," Murphy greeted.

"Shut up, Murphy," Clarke said with fond annoyance before he got the chance to. "And can you really blame me? Anywhere away from here is you-free. The appeal is hard to resist."

"Ouch. There goes my plan to spend the morning making friendship bracelets."

"I'm devastated."

"You should be. You're gonna be jealous when you see it on Emori. I'm gonna jack some shiny shit for it and everything."

"I'm good, thanks," Emori said casually, sharing a grin with Clarke when Murphy feigned hurt outrage. "Besides, me and Madi are going to make way better ones for her. Right?"

"Right," Madi said with forced cheer and Bellamy frowned, inspecting the girl as he began eating. Outwardly she looked fine but it wasn't hard to tell something was off.

Shooting Clarke a concerned glance he found she was already looking right at him, expecting it. She silently communicated that she was worried too but that life and death weren't on the line. He dipped his head in acknowledgment and then cast Echo a smile when he felt her hand brush his thigh. 

Over the course of breakfast, Bellamy made good on his word to himself and focused his attention on Echo. He was only peripherally aware that Murphy, Emori, and Clarke were giving one another a hard time, hamming it up for Madi's entertainment and that over time it began working, their little Heda's tension loosening bit by bit. When Madi was fully engaged in a play-fight with Murphy, Clarke got up under the pretense of taking their plates away. And Bellamy also couldn't help but notice that she stopped by where Diyoza was subtly watching their group from several tables over. The two women lowly conferred and Diyoza's eyes didn't leave Madi as they spoke. Returning, Clarke acted like everything was fine and Bellamy trusted her enough to pay full attention to his conversation with Echo rather than follow his first instinct and demand to know what was wrong.

Their policy of having people stationed in the mess hall from dawn to dusk was still in affect. The trickle of people interested in signing up for things had slowed so shifts were arranged in pairs and lasted four hours at a time, spacing out their commitment to being there to once every several days apiece. When Raven showed up to start her shift Bellamy asked her to switch. Bellamy and Clarke had their time split up so one of them would always be free to handle things elsewhere. However, one morning couldn't hurt. He trusted Miller to take care of everything and that he knew the line of when to call for them if he couldn't. When all the chitchat ended and their friends wandered off, Madi finding Diyoza at her side on the way to the exit, Bellamy didn't waste time turning to Clarke and asking what was going on.

"Nothing specific," she sighed, wearily rubbing her forehead. "Nothing we can fix, anyway. I don't know how... She went through so much, so young, then had all the Commanders whispering in her head for over a hundred years, then Sheidheda, and she has so much riding on her shoulders... She's already too jaded and mature for her age. I'm proud of how she's handling everything," Clarke's eyes were as frustrated as they were blue, "but I hate it. You know how hard it is running things young and she's much younger than we were. Most of the time she seems concerningly collected about it but every now and then..." She gazed in the direction of the secret sparring field like she could see her daughter's suffering with x-ray vision. "I can tell that it hits her sometimes and it kills me. I've tried to think of a way to get her out of this but-"

"It'll just put her in more danger." He'd considered all of the ways to get Madi out of being Heda on many occasions himself and none of them realistically ended well. "I know. Once we get through this part things will get better. Everything will settle down and she'll finally be safe. She'll get to grow up in peace and be Heda in name but we'll take care of everything until she's older and ready. We'll get there; we're so close. I promise it'll be alright. I'm not going to let anything happen to her."

Clarke nodded hesitantly and softly smiled at his conviction.

Between one blink to the next Bellamy saw her familiar face lit with a pink glow rather than the morning sunlight and felt the texture of her curved lips under his thumb. He shook his head a little once more to silence the quiet forest in his mind and the memory left him, never to return.

"So," Bellamy grunted, clearing his throat, "the, uh, stuff. The plan. Are things going the way we hoped?"

"Seems like it," Clarke said as she hauled the pile of notebooks seated next to her up onto the tabletop and spread them out. "I didn't get much time to review it all but from what I saw on the first pass it seemed right."

"Busy night?" Bellamy tried to ask lightly, willing his guilt into hiding. Instead of being there for her he'd gone off and acted like a mindless idiot. A specialty he'd rediscovered, apparently.

Clarke let out a long sigh. Her expression transitioned from distracted worry into one of gentle happiness. Whatever Jackson did, Bellamy owed him big time. "Yeah. I went on a -" a corner of her lips twisted up in a wry grin he wished he understood "- romantic picnic under the stars with Jackson and Miller. It ended up being... It was nice."

Bellamy's brow furrowed, mystified by that description, but didn't ask. Clarke was happy. Yesterday alone demonstrated the pain of her past wasn't gone but she was sparring with Murphy and spending quality time with their friends, whatever activity they'd been up to. He wasn't going to poke at it. If she wanted him to know she'd tell him. Because they were best friends again. She trusted him again. He tried to suppress his self-satisfaction at that as she flipped open the first notebook and began studying it carefully, taking notes in another. 

His high spirits fractionally muted remembering Gabriel and that she confided in him easier than she did with Bellamy. More than his pride he cared that she was opening up at all but he couldn't deny it pricked at him a little. 

As he'd recently realized, Clarke had been his first close friend. That made her place in his life especially essential. They'd been through the most for the longest and it wasn't until he thought he'd lost her - after she'd stayed with Lexa in Polis, after Praimfya, and after Sanctum - that he realized how much a best friend was tied to your identity. It was why he'd been so angry at her for leaving. However, he knew that while she was that person to him, he wasn't to her. Wells had been her best friend; they'd grown up together unlike Bellamy's lonely childhood focused on only Octavia. She'd known a relationship like that long before they'd met. That must be why - amongst many things, for example what an ass he'd been to her on several occasions and how he let her down on many more - she could pick up people to take his place over the years in a way he'd never be able to do with her. 

Clarke was special; anyone could see that. Everywhere she went she effortlessly commanded attention, her mere presence gravitating anyone who drew close to her into orbit. It was unsurprising that people stepped up to be good to her in ways he couldn't seem to manage. Now Gabriel was that person. And Bellamy knew he needed to let go of his selfishness and be nothing but appreciative. Gabriel saved her life more than once and was always there when she needed him. Clarke deserved that more than Bellamy deserved an elevated or exclusive place in her life.

"Bellamy," Clarke said with an emphasis that drew him out of his thoughts, her tone making it clear she was repeating herself. 

Startled back into focus, he saw a Sangeda - no, there was only Wonkru, he reminded himself - woman and child standing beside them. She wanted to sign up for temporary building duty and was interested in farming. Grabbing one of the nearby journals, Bellamy flipped to her name and saw that Clarke had flagged her as someone she wanted to participate in their medical program. He gently guided the woman in that direction, shamelessly using her child as a reason she should consider a higher level of education. It wasn't difficult and she left smiling, telling her daughter she could be the one to share the exciting news with her father when they found him at what was left of the Eligius scrapping yard.

Turning back to Clarke he found her eyes narrowed.

"What happened to your hands?" she said with more suspicion than concern though they both were present, clearly having studied him while he’d been preoccupied.

He considered lying and then accepted it was useless. "I think we’ll both feel better if you don’t know."

She reached across the table and Bellamy didn't fight her when she grabbed one of his hands in both of hers and pulled it closer for assessment. "What happened to your hands?" she said again, more worried now that she was inspecting the damage. 

God, he was such a jackass. He'd left her yesterday for the sole purpose of not burdening her with his temper and now was doing it anyway. "I hit something," he explained evasively, asking her to drop it through their locked gazes. She held open a palm sternly and he finally felt sincere regret for beating the crap out of Russel. He placed his other battered hand in her much smaller grasp, resigned.

"More than once and without icing or wrapping them up before or after."

"I..." He was at a loss of what to say. Clarke had taken Monty's advice to do better to heart as much as he had, only she hadn't faltered. There was no way she wouldn't judge him for what he'd done.

She studied his injuries for a little longer then chose to study his face instead. Where he'd expected to see disappointment he instead saw a mix of compassion and something he couldn't place.

"Did this thing you punched happen to be a monster from Sanctum?"

His hands tightened around hers and he kept eye contact to gauge her reaction as he quietly admitted, "Good guess."

"Bellamy... You didn't need to do that for me."

"I didn't think I did. It was my choice.”

"You need to visit Jackson," Clarke slid away from his touch, but gently, not like she was disgusted with him, which he appreciated.

"It's fine. I earned them hurting for a few days and-"

"Bellamy, go see Jackson." He'd left his hands stretched across the distance between them so it was easy for her to begin reaching for one to demonstrate her insistence. She altered course last-minute, physically pressing her plea against his wrist instead to avoid putting pressure on his sore knuckles. "Please."

"We agreed to always have two people at a time in the mess hall. I don't want to leave you alone. I'll go afterward."

"No, you'll go now. I'm fine. I can handle anything here by myself."

The look on her face made it clear she wasn't going to drop the subject and no truer words had been spoken. Their day would pass more pleasantly if he went ahead and did it then hurried back instead of spending their morning bickering about it.

"Alright. I'll be back soon. Do you need anything while I'm gone?"

"Nope," she said, patting her notebooks. "I'm set." 

He got up and almost turned away before stopping short when she murmured his name, quietly enough that he wasn't sure she meant for him to actually hear it.

She rolled her lips into her mouth and he patiently waited as she found what she wanted to say. "Thank you. For- For that. For everything. I know I shouldn't, but after everything he did... If I could stand the sight of him I'd have gotten there first."

Bellamy drew near and squeezed her shoulder partly in comfort and partly in gratitude. His sin remained but any doubt about whether he'd go back and do things differently vanished.

Jackson seemed entirely unsurprised by the state he was in; Miller must have filled him in about what happened last night. He knew he would have felt ashamed if Clarke hadn't already pardoned him. As it was, he offered no excuse and let Jackson apply some disinfecting and anti-inflammation salve and loosely wrap them up.

When he returned Bellamy paused for a minute to appreciate the sight of Clarke speaking animatedly with Emori. As he drew near Emori excused herself but Clarke's easy smile remained. After she inquired about his hands he asked about her conversation and Clarke explained that Emori's task of spying - Clarke called it 'actively observing' but it was what it was - on their population at large was finding that while there were predictably a few people resistant to the changes, overall everyone was eagerly anticipating their new lives and many were even showing up for construction detail more often than asked.

In the several hours that followed Bellamy found himself more relaxed than he'd felt in days. They'd talked about Madi, and the business of Wonkru, and stopped to address anyone who approached, but mostly they'd just hung out. They'd joked and teased and there hadn't been any deep admissions but there hadn't been any friction either.

Days began passing. 

While not every interaction with Clarke was like that morning in the mess hall, it slowly became more and more frequent. Late every evening he visited her, each time finding Miller already there and on his way out, and they touched base on their daily happenings and how everything was running more smoothly than ever before. He badly wanted to get into their pasts, and apologize, but he didn't want to push his luck. They had a lifetime to work through that and at the moment he wanted to focus on the progress she'd made, both with him and the others. Throughout the day he'd often spot Clarke with their friends or that damned RJ, who never failed to irk him.

It worsened after one morning he'd noticed RJ walking out of Octavia's house at dawn, followed by Octavia herself. As if she'd slept there with him. And Diyoza and Hope, he recalled belatedly. 

When he asked her about it later he was surprised to see a little pink in his sister's cheeks even as she radiated pure irritation. "Yeah, me and that big idiot are sharing the living room." Catching Bellamy's expression she rolled her eyes. "On separate cots as far apart as possible, I assure you."

"Not that I'm not relieved to hear you're staying in your own home, but what happened to watching out for the Faithful?"

Octavia shrugged and Bellamy wondered if he imagined the smirk that began growing on her face as she glanced away at nothing. "Clarke asked me not to. She said she wasn't willing to bet my life on whether I'd be safe there or not, so she offered that I move in with her and Madi. I think they need family time so I opted to stay at my place. Hope is worth putting up with RJ."

It did not escape Bellamy that RJ was now persistently trying to get in bed with Clarke and was sleeping with - near, but that was plenty - his sister every night. That already made it hard to consider the guy neutrally and the few times he'd tried to grit his teeth and put in an effort getting to know him, RJ somehow managed to throw his ever-closer relationship with Clarke in his face. Their attempts at conversation never lasted long and never ended well.

The night after his conversation with Octavia he tried to thank Clarke and she waved it away. As if protecting his sister, even after everything she had done, was nothing. Despite all of the years of seeing Clarke's empathy and kindness in action, she continued to surprise him.

All of these things - other than RJ - were everything Bellamy had hoped for from the start. Things with Wonkru were on the right track now that Clarke was there like he knew it would be. While she still had her moments, overall she seemed steadily healthier and happier and she let him offer some level of support when he noticed her faltering. Madi even more so, thriving now that he and Clarke had things so well in hand. When she did struggle with anxiety, if she couldn't easily find Clarke he was her second choice, even above Gaia. He was honored that they'd accepted him into their 'team' of previously only two.

All of their family were doing well, in fact. The way they were working together was why things were succeeding and he knew that soon they could finally live the lives they'd earned. As a united front they could accomplish anything and he was aware they'd need that when the looming second phase of their plan began. It would be dangerous, and stressful, but he had complete faith that after everything they'd been through there was no challenge left big enough to tear them apart. They were going to pull this off, together.

As phase one quickly wrapped up Bellamy saw the way Clarke's worry began mounting. In the days before they were scheduled to make the announcement of separating everyone from their friends and family to intermingle the krus, Clarke spent the majority of her time pouring over her lists and maps. He tried to assure her everything would be fine but he was bracing for it himself. No matter what they did in preparation, giving orders like that to the fierce and clan-oriented Grounders was going to involve real risk on their part. That said, he was confident that when the time came he'd be able to keep their little team safe and take on the brunt of whatever blowback there might be.

Everything was finally the way it was meant to be.

One night he asked Clarke to take a break for dinner and she hadn't even noticed, so single-mindedly rereading the census report she'd already reviewed several hundred times.

"Go ahead. I want to finish this," she muttered distractedly after he ran a hand down her back to catch her attention.

Bellamy heard that clearly as 'my name is Clarke Griffin, I'm a workaholic, please bring me food.' 

He nodded in agreement even though she didn't say it and didn't see it, lost again in what she was doing.

Raven looked equally zoned out on her own syllabus, her first class starting soon, so Bellamy knew he'd be juggling three dishes on his way back.

In the mess hall, he ran into Niylah, Emori, and Jackson eating together. They naturally expected him to join them, though when he explained his need to provide sustenance to the Type A's of their family they jokingly wished him luck getting the two to pause long enough to notice food was present. Bellamy caught up with them briefly about how their tasks were going so he could report back to Clarke, knowing she'd take a turn worrying about that in the near future.

It wasn't all that long before he was returning to the machine shop, balancing their plates. He could hear them long before he could see them, his blood turning cold with dread.

"- killed me when you sent me to that tower. You're why I spent all that time alone, barely surviving on the planet you played your part in destroying. Have I once blamed you for that or tried to make you feel bad about it? No. Could you say the same if the roles were reversed? What would you do if someone ever held the perfect Raven Reyes up to her own bullshit standards? What would happen if everyone held you accountable for your mistakes for once?" Clarke was yelling, face-to-face with Raven, their noses nearly touching.

"Played my part? Played my part? We all know who's to blame for the end of the entire freakin' world, Clarke, and that's you. That's all you. You kill everything you touch. The earth was doomed the minute your feet hit the ground. What you made were choices, not mistakes, and even if they were- The mistakes I’ve made never caused mass burials. I never killed my friends.”

“You left me for dead.”

“Like I said, I save my friends.”

"At least I can-"

"Woah, woah, hold on," Bellamy said, dropping their plates carelessly on the table as he rushed over, placing a hand on each and moving them the few feet apart it seemed like they needed to keep from physically fighting. His brain hadn't caught up yet but he knew that would be bad. "What the hell is going on?"

Both women turned on him, glaring, and said in unison, "Back off, Bellamy." 

Swiveling back to one another their fight resumed and all of his hopes about their family handling what was ahead of them together began circling the drain.


	23. Clarke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> STORY NOTES:  
> \- Ok, so this is bad timing. I promise I'm going to do right by you guys, Clarke, and Bellamy.  
> \- Some of you have mentioned that everyone is being nice right now and acting like that's plenty, and that Clarke deserves better. Better she shall get.
> 
> PERSONAL NOTES;  
> \- I'm sorry guys! I'm aware this needs another pass but my mom is hopping on a plane this moment because my grandpa died today and I won't be able to look at any of this again until Tuesday at the earliest. I figured better to get this out now rather than wait until then. If it makes you feel any better, it's double my minimum chapter length so hopefully that counts? I have most of the big chunks of the next chapter done and I'll get to it as soon as I can.   
> \- As always, you are incredible and I cannot ever appreciate you enough. Thank you for being the coolest people I know!

Clarke held Bellamy's hands and tried to keep from smiling while he looked so grim.

The idiot. The big, sweet, passionate idiot looked at her sorrowfully, as if she could ever be upset with him for what he'd done.

She'd worried she'd lost her 'head over heart' Bellamy since he'd returned from the Ring. Clarke was glad he could use both but... There had been one version she'd fallen in love with, as long as it had taken her to realize it. 

How much it had hurt her to think he had learned to turn his feelings off on their way home from Sanctum compared nothing to how grateful she was to know that wasn't the case. Bellamy still had the same beautiful heart, and loyalty, and sweet, reckless passion in him she'd always known. Always loved. He'd acted calm in the Rover for her sake. Clarke wasn't thrilled that his care had resulted in violence and hated the hesitant guilt she saw in him. But it didn't lessen her barbaric gratitude to know Russel had felt a tinge of the pain he'd caused her and her mom. And that Bellamy had clearly done it for her sake as much as he'd protected her from guilt saying it was his own choice.

After Bellamy had returned from getting his hands treated - there was no need to get her started on him saying he'd 'earned' them hurting - they'd spent the morning together in a way Clarke had once thought impossible. Instead, it had felt like the most natural thing in the world. Her longing for them being more than they were fell to the wayside in enjoying being with him exactly as they were. She would take what she could get. 

When their shift was over - Niylah and Gaia coming to replace them - Clarke couldn't deny she felt like she was on cloud nine. She went home, hoping to share her good mood with Madi, only to find the house empty. Clarke could have sworn that their plan had been to-

"Yo!"

The sound caught her attention as she retraced her steps outside and looking around she found Diyoza and Octavia sitting outside their house, Diyoza waving her over.

“Have you guys seen Madi?”

Octavia pointed toward the nearby forest. “She left with RJ a little while ago. She said she found something she wants to show him.”

"Great, thanks. I'll-"

“Stay, stay, have some tea,” Diyoza invited, tipping her glass in Clarke's direction to tempt her.

“Tea?”

She chuckled at Clarke’s tone. “I assure you, no one is more surprised than I am to find myself a mother drinking tea on the front porch with my lady friends. In my defense, our little Octavia here makes a mean brew and we’re the three most terrifying women on literally the entire planet, so that brings some comfort. Haven’t lost all my edge yet,” she said wryly, before pointedly taking a sip with her pinkie out.

Clarke would rather go after Madi but before she could offer that excuse she caught Octavia's expression. She was trying to seem aloof but Clarke really did know her. There was a tentative, wary vulnerability there. Did Octavia think she hadn't meant it when she said she didn't hate her? Did she really think Clarke could ever consider herself too good for their company?

She dropped, leaning her back against one of the roof support posts so she was angled to face the other two.

“I’ll grab you a cup,” Octavia said. Her face was still more reserved than not but Clarke could spot the relief, and maybe even a touch of excitement. 

She remembered what it was like wanting a friend more than anything not long ago.

“How goes things?” Diyoza asked.

“Fine,” Clarke said as she accepted the warm cup of tea Octavia was already handing her. 

As soon as Octavia plopped the pot beside Diyoza as she passed on the way to her own spot, Diyoza topped her drink off, dramatically humming in pleasure as she swallowed.“That doesn’t sound very true. Come on, Clarke. This is Tough Chicks Anonymous. You can be honest here.”

“Anonymous?”

“Did you guys not have addict groups in your little space-town? Huh. The future is weird. Anyway, I mean you are with your peers. You don’t have to play the good girl with us.”

Clarke pulled a face. “I assure you, no one thinks I ‘play the good girl’ anywhere.”

“Maybe not, but you do play like you’re something else. It’s been a real trip for me seeing you around here versus out in the wild, let me tell ya. Where is the little spitfire that showed up at my camp knockin’ skulls and snappin’ fingers not all that long ago? That madwoman is the Clarke I’m used to, not this quiet, pleasant one.” She said the word ‘pleasant’ like it was slimy and as offended as Clarke had begun to grow that soothed most of the burn, forcing her to smile.

Clarke shook her head, taking a sip of tea rather than respond. 

Oh. Wow. It really was good. The way Octavia bit her lip and glanced away when Clarke told her so was more endearing than she would have expected. Octavia modestly explained that until Diyoza, Hope and - she curled her nose - RJ moved in she didn't have much to do with her days other than train Madi and explore the forest. Since Indra liked tea there were already all kinds of herbs in her house in preparation for their visits, so she started experimenting to pass the time. 

"Even demons need hobbies," Octavia finished, dismissing it all dryly as if it wasn't a big deal that after all the horror of her past she was trying to enjoy something. Clarke wasn't fooled and saw the hope in Octavia trying to find some peace in such a solitary, innocent activity.

"Here's to that," Diyoza held out her cup to cheers.

"To demons," Clarke said to be sarcastic as she followed suit, at the precise moment Octavia did the exact same. They caught eyes and shared small grins.

"So, Clarke,” Diyoza said when their tea talk naturally lulled, “I've heard some pretty disturbing news. Is it true Bellamy's been steppin' out on you and still has his balls intact?"

Clarke choked. The pleased gleam in Diyoza's eye made it clear she'd intentionally been waiting for Clarke to take a drink before saying that for her own entertainment. Coughing out the lungful of warm water, Clarke cast Octavia a glare that could not possibly mean anything but ‘traitor’ when she snickered.

“I have no idea what you-” Clarke had to clear her throat again, pretty sure her airway was flavored at that point, “what you mean.”

“Sure you do. RJ came in with his feathers all fluffed up the other day, telling me your man is getting it on with some side piece. Then this one-” she jerked her thumb towards Octavia, “tried to tell us you two haven’t ever even done the deed as far as she can tell. Now, while that makes me bringing up you two getting married and the fact he didn’t contradict me that much funnier, I do have to say-”

“We’re not like that. He’s my friend.”

“Uh-huh. Because most friends would commit mass-murder for each other.” When Octavia and Clarke both opened their mouths, Diyoza held her hand up to stop them before they even started. “Fine, we might, but I mean civilians. Ok, even if we discount that, I still don’t believe you. That boy has cartoon hearts in his eyes when he sees you. If you’re not together now you were at one point. Come on,” she cajoled, “you can admit it to Mama Diyoza.”

“I promise you- Bellamy and I are not a thing. Never have been, never will be.”

“Bullshit. O, are you hearing this bullshit?”

“Have been for roughly a hundred and thirty years,” Octavia muttered, trying to suppress a smirk when Clarke looked at her darkly again. She knew Octavia was only playing along with Diyoza for the sake of teasing her but Clarke really wished they would pick absolutely any other subject.

She tried to shut it down, saying, “Bellamy and Echo have been together for years. They’ve been together much longer than Bellamy and I have ever even been around each other, actually. We weren’t on Earth together long. Then we spent six years apart, and he and Echo have been together for three. So they actually have a lot more history than he and I do. He and Echo are the real deal.”

Diyoza’s brow arched and she cast Octavia a glance. “How have you managed to put up with this?”

Octavia unsuccessfully tried to hide a grin behind her cup for a long sip. When she came up for air she said, "I have a hands-off policy when it comes to my brother's love life because I wish he'd do the same for me."

"Except you clearly have something to say about this bitch Echo," Diyoza pointed out.

That forced a low chuckle out of Octavia, her head shaking even as she finally outright smiled. "I said hands-off, not that I don't have some strong opinions about it. And yeah, especially about Echo."

"About this bitch Echo," Diyoza corrected, "now, tell me all about it."

“Could we not?” Clarke asked, rolling her cup between her palms. “I don’t...” She cleared her throat again, happy she could pretend it was still from the tea. “I know she hurt you more than anyone, Octavia, and I’m sorry for that, but none of us can fix our pasts. Bellamy loves her. We should at least try to-” ‘Tolerate’ wasn’t a nice word, was it? “- accept her for his sake.”

Diyoza clicked her tongue and rolled her eyes. “Sure thing, good girl.” Then she pointed at Octavia. “If there’s a catfight you make sure I see it, alright? I don’t care where or when; you find me.”

“There’s never going to be a catfight between Echo and I. We aren’t petty and we aren’t kids.” Belatedly she remembered, “And we aren’t going to fight over Bellamy because he and I are friends and nothing else. Do you know how long RJ and Madi will be gone? Maybe I should-”

“No, no, don’t be like that. I’ll drop it.” There was a beat before Diyoza just had to add, “But if you do, kick her ass.”

“Actually, about Madi,” Octavia said loudly enough to stop Clarke as she shifted to get to her feet. “Has she been ok lately?”

Clarke's chest tightened, dropping back hard into her seat. “What? Why? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, nothing. I’m sorry, I’m not trying to scare you. It’s only- She’s always been an excellent student. She’s a natural; determined, and smart, with incredible reflexes. She’s much better than I was with her level of training, that’s for sure. I’m only asking because she’s always been great but lately, she’s been... Too determined, maybe. There’ll be times I can tell she’s getting tired and say we should take a break and she refuses. She’s snapped at me for taking it too easy on her. Madi’s always been eager to learn but there’s something... I haven’t said anything because there’s nothing concrete to point out, but I’ve started getting the feeling something might be wrong.”

“She hasn’t said anything.” 

"Would she?"

Clarke mulled that over briefly and shook her head, sighing.

"See, there's your problem," Diyoza said, stretching over to refill Clarke's cup. "Brutal honesty. Only way to go. That’s my whole parenting plan in a nutshell. I thought I was going to have to raise Hope with all those Eligius heathens around, and the only way I could sleep at night was knowing I’d explain it all to her, clear-as-day. Well, and that I was going to kill anyone with a sex crime on their record before she was born," Diyoza added as a personal aside, tilting her head in memory.

“That’s easy to think now," Clarke groaned. "Looking in her eyes and having to actually say it? That's a whole different thing."

“I’m sure that’s true. I’m also sure that life’s hard - no one knows that better than the three of us - and I want Hope as prepared for it as possible. I’ll bite the bullet and make myself uncomfortable and sad and probably pretty embarrassed so my kid gets the real skinny on what’s up. I’m sure it’ll suck to take some shine off the world while she’s young but at least she’ll always see it for what it is and things won’t hit her so hard later. It might kill me but I’m going to tell her about my past so instead of crossing my fingers she doesn’t become like me I can get into the why of it and what I learned. We’re a team and I don’t want her to trust anyone more than she trusts me, or think I’m some flawless figure, that way we can be real with each other. I don’t want her to feel like there is anything she can’t tell me, big or small.” Diyoza gave Clarke a sympathetic look. “I hate the sound of what’ll take going for that goal, but it’s the best plan I got. You might just want to consider it. From what I hear that kid of yours is smart as hell and has a spine of steel. She can take it."

"I don't know if anyone should have to," Octavia said, voice especially husky, while Clarke was still trying to process what Diyoza was saying. “Especially not Madi. She has... Clarke, you already know... But you have to know that I'm sorry. About all of it."

"I'm not going to lie to you and say I'm alright with anything that happened, but please know that a part of me gets it. You're not the only one struggling to live with what you've done."

Octavia picked at the lip of her cup, voice even lower when she said, "Maybe I don't deserve to."

"You're not the only one who thinks that either," Diyoza gently told her, "but here we are." 

Clarke forced a smile to break the tension, holding her glass up like she was giving a toast of her own, "Here we are; the three most terrifying, tea-drinking demons two solar systems have ever seen."

They clinked glasses again and fell into a moment of companionable silence, sipping. 

"Let me know if I can do anything?” Octavia picked back up after a bit, Madi still on her mind. "I... don't want her to live like us."

"You already have, trying to take on executing that man for her and now with the houses. Thank you for that." Clarke squinted off in the direction of the forest Octavia had said they'd gone in, wishing she could see Madi's future down that path. "I know being Heda is hard on her. I don't want her to live like us either but I don't know how to fix it. Technically, you and I could have walked away at any point. But Madi? There's never going to be a Commander after her and the weight of that is something I worry is only going to get worse. She's never going to be truly safe. And I was neck-deep in everything from the start, but you- Seeing what happened to you... I worry where that much power is bound to lead her. We keep saying our new world is going to be peaceful but what if-“

"Clarke, Clarke,” Diyoza held her hands up, signaling for her to slow down. “I get your concern, I do. But you’re gonna kill yourself worrying like that and at the end of the day what good will it do? Chill a little. Between us we’ve figured out every possible way to screw shit up. With the three of us watching out for her - with your other rag-tag group of miscreants - there’s no way Madi will end up like us. No way. We don’t know what will happen but that little girl has a lot of people in her corner. What you should focus on is yourself. We can all chip in on keeping the munchkin safe but you’re the only one who has the power to give Madi a happy, healthy mom that can show her how to enjoy life. That’s something you can actually do something about right now instead of just worrying.”

“Damn, Diyoza,” Octavia said into the startled pause following her advice, which had come out more like an order, Clarke’s mouth stuck half-open. “I’m starting to think you're actually a big softie under all that... the rest of you. Wonders never cease.”

“Take it back,” Diyoza said with pretend great offense.

“Nope. Can't make me. 'Cause you're a big ol' softie.”

“I just popped out a human being and I can still kick your ass ten ways to Sunday, Octavia Blake. Don’t you test me.”

“Sure you can, you sweet old lady you. Whatever you say.”

“I’m going to kill her,” Diyoza told Clarke with a calmness that would be eerie if it wasn’t already clear how much the two got along. “Please remind me why I shouldn’t kill her.”

“Well," Clarke broke out of her partial trance and started to laugh, "definitely don’t kill her, but I have to admit I would pay good money to see that fight.”

“Good money, you say? Hmm... Not a bad idea there. Octavia and I will be the headliners; you and Echo can be our opening act. We’ll charge by the-”

“Oh thank god,” Clarke said upon seeing RJ and Madi turn the corner. Her escape was so close. 

Then her head cocked, noticing both Diyoza’s and Octavia’s doing the same out of the corner of her eye.

Madi was the one holding Hope as they drew near. Beside her RJ appeared to be shirtless and struggling. Sharing confused looks with the other women, they all got up and moved to meet their party halfway.

“What the hell’s wrong with you?” Octavia asked RJ as they closed the distance. Clarke was mentally asking the same thing. His arms were crossed in front of him and within them... was his shirt... thrashing...

Oh no. Clarke knew exactly what this was. This had Madi all over it. “What did you do?”

“We found a bird,” she explained innocently as if they were delivering a dove, not something a man as big as RJ was barely winning a fight with while it was wrapped up in his shirt. The poor guy was bleeding from scratches across his arms, smiling all the while.

“Madi...”

“It has a broken leg. We brought it home so you can fix it.” She beamed up at Clarke, perfectly aware of what she was doing. She had pulled this all the time in Shallow Valley with the creatures they could afford not to eat. Clarke raised her brows and glanced between Madi and RJ several times. Madi acknowledged, “It’s a big bird.”

“Oh for...” Clarke scrubbed her forehead and then huffed a laugh of exasperation. “Yeah. Yeah, alright. I’ll see what I can do.”

“On that note, I’m going to see what I can do about feeding this little monster.” Diyoza took Hope from Madi, smirking. “Have fun saving the pterodactyl, kids. Catch ya later.”

When they started toward their home Clarke noticed Octavia hesitating in the road, unsure if she was welcome to follow them or not.

“Come on. Apparently RJ can’t wrangle one measly bird by himself; I’m going to need you to take over.”

RJ's indignant ‘hey!’ pissed off his opponent even more so he couldn’t say anything else, merely playfully glowering until they were in the thick of it. Then all he could say was in bursts and grunts, apologetically telling them he should have trusted that the world had wanted it to die for a reason. 

By the time Miller showed up that night Clarke wasn’t quite done cleaning the feathers and blood off the floor and walls. The bird from hell was going to live and was locked away in a storage shed for the health and safety of others until it could be released back into the wild. However, getting a splint on the stupid thing about killed the rest of them; the blood was theirs.

During the struggle, there was a moment Clarke couldn’t help but notice that despite Octavia’s overall irritation with RJ there was at least a bit of ‘non-irritation’ there too, which made her smile until she took a wing to the face.

Helping Madi bring home that beast was merely one example of what RJ taking over regular guard duty looked like as the days flew by. His interpretation of their ‘bodyguard’ arrangement was significantly different than Diyoza’s friendly professionalism. Every time Clarke saw RJ with the girls, Diyoza's initial description of him ran through the back of her mind: he'd grown up hard and wanted a sense of belonging - family - enough that it had made the mountain-sized man vulnerable to being taken advantage of.

It could not be more clear how true that was. He outright doted on Hope, Diyoza saying more than once she was thankful that at least he couldn't breastfeed so she was still good for something. With Madi, he didn't act like some spoiling protective mother hen, thank goodness. She would have definitely taken that as condescension. He was quick on the uptake, and seeing the pressure she was under, his method of taking care of her meant leaning heavily into his goofy side. He was always cracking some joke or encouraging Madi to subtly do or say something Clarke pretended to not notice because it made the two of them giddy to feel like they were 'getting away with it,' RJ's occasional wink over Madi's head making it hard for Clarke to hold back her own laughter.

As their plan moved forward, there was a day Indra and Gaia were both busy as the Sanctum housing wasn't quite done, running perilously behind schedule. As the overseers of the building efforts, they wanted to be onsite together to figure out how to make up the time. With an afternoon finally free of important Wonkru obligations for Madi, Clarke dropped everything. Her priorities were clear. She had been talking to Niylah at the time she'd found out and decided to play hooky, and her friend said she'd let Bellamy know Clarke was 'out' for the rest of the day so he could compensate.

Over a pleasant lunch in the privacy of their own home, RJ asked Madi what her favorite things to do were and then dismissed training with Octavia and learning about tech with Raven with a scoff. "That's work that you enjoy. What do you like doing just because? If you didn't have to do a single other thing in the world, how would you spend the rest of today?" 

It had taken Madi a painfully long time to reply, thinking hard before her lips twisted upward in delight. "I like to garden," she said like it was a revelation. "When we were in Shallow Valley we had to plant and harvest everything ourselves. Even though we had to do it, I really liked it."

"There you go. I don't know anything about all that so you’ll have to teach me. Where's our garden going to be? What are we going to plant?"

"Uhm," Madi looked to Clarke for the answers and Clarke swallowed the emotion building in her throat. 

"Why not the front yard? There's a crate of soybean seeds open right now for the farm; we can grab some if you want."

"What? Soybeans? Naw, naw. We need some flowery crap. Right, Madi? We don't need any stupid soybeans messing up our aesthetic."

It ended up being decided that the next time she went to Sanctum Madi and RJ would go with her. She knew Gabriel and RJ wouldn't let Madi get close to the lab. The following long, deep, sedative-induced sleep she experienced after being in there was nothing that would harm or scare Madi once Clarke explained it was why she was getting better. While she received treatment Madi and RJ could track down some seeds and ask the locals about how to grow them on Alpha. 

Clarke suggested that they could even radio ahead and ask someone to invite Jordan to join them. She'd been meaning to check up on him. Plus, Madi had once told her that as they were the only children of the Hundred, she wished they knew each other better. They hadn’t gotten much time together after waking up from cryo, and Madi said she had apologized after almost killing the woman who’d stolen his girlfriend's body and accidentally stabbing him instead, but she wasn’t sure if he knew how much she meant it.

On a more practical note, Clarke privately knew it was important for Madi and Gabriel to start developing a relationship so working together would be easier when she was gone.

As gardening had to be momentarily put on hold, Madi decided to teach RJ how to play chess instead. As they began Clarke wished she could memorize how big Madi's smile was when he calmly explained to her that one of his cornered pawns had found Jesus, was now a bishop, and she needed to respect it's life choices and let him move diagonally.

Clarke ducked into her room and returned with her sketchpad, capturing the scene of the two of them hunkered over the board and totally engrossed in sharing more and more outlandish explanations of why a piece that moved all over had been named a castle. They finally narrowed it down to the people who invented chess having a bad experience with an earthquake that gave them a very skewed understanding of how stationary castles ought to be. Before long Madi was as bad as him, one of her turns entailing her knight performing a daring rescue that freed all of the pieces RJ had previously taken. When the two of them eventually negotiated a peace treaty - a royal marriage sealing the deal as RJ's queen married Madi's king's brother, who happened to be the brave knight the queen had secretly been in love with all along, naturally - they finally called it quits. 

While Madi put the board away RJ circled to bend low and prop his chin on Clarke's head, nosey about what she'd been up to as they played. With him so close she couldn't miss the huge woosh of breath that left him.

"You ok?" she asked, leaning away to look at him.

RJ took several huge steps back and shoved his hands in his pockets, eyes roving the room. "Yeah, yeah. That's nice. I've, uh... You're really talented. Uh..."

"Spit it out already," Clarke said, concerned but trying to make it sound like a joke because she knew that was definitely his preferred method of communication.

She wouldn't believe it if she didn't see it with her own eyes. It looked like RJ was blushing. "I've, uhm, I don't think I've ever had my picture taken before. I mean, other than mug shots, obviously. That looks... That's really nice. With Madi. You're very talented," he repeated, awkward and shyly pleased and embarrassed all at once, the cocky clown act nowhere to be found.

Clarke didn't need to think twice about pulling out the page and holding it out to him. "Then let me present your first-ever family portrait," she said lightly, trying not to get emotional herself in case they spiraled and Madi walked back into the room to find two adults crying over a sketch of the most ridiculous game of chess ever played. 

She hadn't thought much about her phrasing but she saw the minute the word 'family' hit him. His expression crumpled into such happy, hopeful longing, and that was that. Clarke mentally adopted him. He was a bit of a mess but she figured that's why he so naturally clicked with she and Madi. The fact they were around the same age was entirely irrelevant. As Bellamy had pointed out, she'd basically raised people her own age before. Nothing new there.

As a secret 'you're mine now' present, Clarke flipped to another page and pulled it out as well, placing it on top of the first, offering them both. When he drew near enough to make out the details, that did it. RJ used the balls of his fists to rub roughly at his eyes as if it would hide they were getting wet. The drawing she'd done of he and Hope in the med tent, right after she was born, had put the poor guy over the edge.

When he didn't take them from her she dropped both pages on the kitchen table, turning away to be mindful of his pride, not sure yet about how to gauge where he landed on that spectrum. "Whenever you want them, they're yours." Clarke then went into Madi's room to distract her for a moment, giving RJ the chance to collect himself without an audience. 

By the time they came out he'd reverted back to his cheery self and the drawings were gone. When Diyoza later showed up to relieve him, he waved goodbye over his shoulder as he left, which raised the hem of his shirt enough to reveal a flash of carefully rolled pages tucked into his back pocket.

It seemed like as each day passed it entangled her life with everyone else's more and more. She spent her evenings with Miller and Bellamy, and she'd visit the med tent whenever she had the time to chat with Jackson and Niylah. She ended up eating almost every meal with an unexpected group organically formed: Madi, RJ, Emori and Murphy. She and Madi had been the start, intentionally making the time to see each other for a few minutes throughout the day. At first, RJ was only there when guarding Madi and quickly began showing up even if it wasn't his shift, bringing Hope along for the ride. Clarke couldn't tell if Murphy and Emori had started showing up so Murphy could give her a hard time or if Emori could joke around with RJ; both seemed equally likely.

Of all people, RJ and Emori had become surprisingly close. Once, when RJ missed lunch because Hope was fussy, Clarke mentioned to her that she was glad that the two of them had hit it off so well. 

"He reminds me of my older brother," Emori confided in her easily, taking Clarke by surprise.

"Oh, I- I didn’t realize you have-" Clarke cursed herself. If he was around she'd know it. They'd all lost so many people. "-had one."

"Otan. He died not long before we met, actually. A.L.I.E." Emori pursed her lips for a moment as she got caught in a memory and Clarke could empathize. "I don’t think I ever got the chance to personally thank you, so - thank you for killing that bitch." She and Clarke shared grim smiles unique to the experience and loss they'd shared. Emori continued, telling her, "When my family was rejected by our people and sent to live in the Dead Zone for being frikdreina, our mother didn’t last long. Otan refused to let me die too. He was my brother, and father, and my only friend, and he was insanely protective; we were all we had." Boy, that sounded familiar. "When people met him they only felt fear because of the way he looked, but he had the kindest eyes and the biggest heart. When you introduced us to RJ in the market he so strongly reminded me of my brother, I don’t think he’s had much of a choice if we get along or not. We’re friends and he’s going to have to deal with it." Emori chuckled lightly and Clarke appreciated how incredibly strong her spirit was. She couldn't imagine how she'd go on if she lost Madi and there Emori was, grinning and radiating open kindness.

With Madi so happy and especially well-cared for, and things in their life running more smoothly than ever, Clarke had the unprecedented opportunity to throw a large portion of her attention into anything else.

The timing couldn't be better because phase one of their plan was drawing to a close. She tried to keep her cool but she couldn't deny that as their planned phase two announcement date drew nearer it seemed like her anxiety grew a fraction every hour. 

The people were coming and going from Sanctum like planned, the predicted instructor boom a reality. In fact, it was so popular she was soon going to need to start a waiting list of Faithful members suddenly 'wanting to help out their neighbors.' Clarke and Gabriel had needed to have several clandestine radio calls in the middle of the night to discuss the people he most needed out of Sanctum so she could ensure there would be room for them as high priority 'guests.' He hadn't been thrilled that she couldn't make it to see him for her treatments as planned but sounded mostly relieved things were finally about to start getting better. He'd asked her to pass his personal thanks on to Indra and Gaia as she'd told him about how they'd incredibly, barely, completed the housing situation in time to keep everything on track.

In fact, everyone had stepped up more than she had expected. As nervous as she was, whenever she thought of something new to panic about it seemed like someone was already on it, no one more so than Bellamy. Every night when she monotonously worried about the risk she was putting Madi in by angering so many people on a topic as sacred to Wonkru as their kru and family units, he patiently listened and assured her things were going to be alright. They were a team, they were going to get through it together, and he promised they were going to keep Madi safe no matter what.

When there were only two days left Clarke was a bundle of nerves no matter how much she heard that everything was going to be ok. Taking a risk like the one they were about to would be a cakewalk if it was her neck on the line. With Madi involved it was a whole other story.

She was reviewing the census list one last time - ok, maybe not the very last time - thinking and rethinking in her mind exactly how the announcement needed to be handled. Madi was the one who had to give it so it needed to be perfect. Clarke needed to account for every member of the crowd. How would each of them react to the news? How did she find the middle ground of not making Madi seem like a dictator, which would get her killed, or weak, which would get her killed?

The names listed in ink turned into faces before her eyes and she searched every one of them for the right answers.

She gave a little start when she felt Bellamy's broad hand running up and down her back. "Clarke, it's dinnertime. Let's take a break and eat. This will be here when we're done."

Clarke thought she told him to go on without her but she couldn't be sure, her mind caught up on Edzun for the fiftieth time. The way he'd publically challenged Madi more than once put a flashing danger sign over his head. She knew killing him to prevent the problems he'd surely cause wasn't an option but she sure wished Roan or Lexa were there to argue that it was.

When she felt a hand on her shoulder Clarke naturally assumed it was Bellamy again, turning to distractedly glance up at his face when he didn't say anything. But he wasn't there. Moving her eyes lower she found Raven by her side instead and the surprise of that had her blinking her way back into the world around her.

"Sorry, I was-" she shrugged and held up the book, knowing Raven more than anyone would understand.

She chuckled, "I definitely get you there."

Looking around the workshop Clarke realized they were alone. "Where is everyone?"

"My best guess is dinner," Raven said and Clarke nodded, recalling Bellamy saying something about that an indeterminate amount of time ago. "I'm actually glad we have a minute alone. With everything going on we've both been so busy but I've really wanted to talk to you."

Clarke wasn't sure what to say so she simply put her notebook down to fully pay attention.

"I know I said it before, but I want to say it again: I'm so sorry about Abby." Raven said it with utter sincerity and Clarke nodded with a sad smile.

She knew she meant it without question. Raven had a special relationship with her mom; she'd seen it with her own eyes. Raven couldn't know the chain of thoughts that inspired in Clarke or the way it automatically made her spine stiffen. Raven hugging her and saying she was sorry like she meant it, and then disappearing from her life. The way she'd hugged her like she meant it when Bellamy brought her back, and how deeply Clarke mistrusted it that it had validated to her that none of the friendliness anyone was showing her was real. It brought to mind the awful pain and hopelessness that thinking none of it was real had filled her with. Raven had meant well, and Clarke knew that, but it didn't stop every muscle in her from tensing or the rush of blood to extremities like she was preparing for a fight.

"I want you to know that the last thing Abby said to me was that I was her family," Raven choked out. She had tears in her eyes. "We both loved her and I know how much you must miss her. I'm sorry that after everything happened I wasn't around but I am now. I know she'd want us to be here for each other. There's a lot of history between us and I want you to know I forgive you for that. I want us to start over, like Abby would have wanted."

Clarke almost nodded. She knew she should. What Raven was saying was everything she would have died to have someone say mere weeks ago. She wanted to nod and move on.

But- "You... forgive me?"

Raven nodded, wiping a rogue tear and sniffling.

Clarke wanted to nod. This was their chance to start over. This was something she'd wanted for so long. But- "What do you forgive me for?"

"What?"

”What, exactly, are you forgiving me for?"

Raven’s doe eyes took on the appearance of not only confusion but a little defensiveness. "You know what. Everything."

This was her chance. All she had to do was nod. Hug her. She'd be forgiven. "What does that mean?" She’d asked for Raven’s forgiveness before and been denied, very very adamantly. Now, she hadn't asked to be forgiven. Now, she wasn’t sure if…

Raven was definitely more defensive than confused when she said, ”I'm telling you I'll give you another chance because I know that’s what Abby would have wanted. I'll pretend everything you did never happened and we can start fresh. We can start over."

"Everything I've done?" Clarke shook her head slowly. "I've only done what I had to do. My mom knew that. I did everything to save our people and she... If you want to talk about last words, her's to me were to save everyone. I shouldn't have to apologize for that."

"You've got to be kidding."

"I'm... not."

"So now you're not sorry? For any of it?"

"I'm sorry things went wrong and people got hurt. I made mistakes and I couldn't control everything. I did my best. I did everything I could to save our people. I- I gave up my soul for it. I never wanted to hurt anyone. I'm not asking you to forget it happened and... I don't need your forgiveness." As the words came out of her mouth Clarke felt like she was possessed. She couldn't believe them even as she was saying them. But that was the thing. She did. She must, at least a little, or where was this coming from? It wasn't all her fault. She had done the best that she could.

"Wow. Just- Wow,” Raven wiped her eyes, hollowly laughing. “I should have told you to stop pretending to feel bad about killing people years ago. Imagine all the time we could have saved on the pointless conversations about you denying the fact you like playing god."

Clarke's head snapped back. ”Playing god? How can you even- Raven, you put every choice, all of your lives, in my hands over and over and over. I did the best that I could," Clarke emphasized every syllable, the phrase becoming her mantra, frustrated that she was even having to say it. She shouldn't have to explain that she never meant for anyone to get hurt. "No matter what you needed from me I never told you no, no matter how I felt about it. I always put our people first. I’m sorry that didn't always work out the way either of us hoped.” It was like with every word she said they came out easier, clearer, and angrier. “Nothing I did was ever good enough and everyone kept putting it all on me anyway. So yeah, people lived and died because I said so, because you made me the one who had to decide. I never wanted that. I never asked for that. If you had such a clear outcome in mind maybe you should have done it your damn self for once instead of setting me up to take the blame. I'm the reason you're alive. Yeah, it wasn't easy, but you're here because I 'played god' and made sure you were. You shouldn't be forgiving me. You should be thanking me.”

“Thanking you?! For which part exactly? Which favor? Where would you like me to start? Betraying us to McCreary? How about getting Shaw killed? We can move backward from the most recent time you ruined my life.”

“I didn’t force him into the radiation fence, I ran-“

“I should have known him going with you meant he was bound to die. I thought we had time. I never got to tell him goodbye. On the ship I didn’t say goodbye.”

“I’m sorry to hear that but that’s not my fault.”

Raven’s eyes were burning. “Nothing ever is, is it? We brought you here because you’re good at controlling people and the wild Grounders here needed it. So far you haven’t killed anyone doing it, but you’re not done yet so it’s only a matter of time. God forbid someone disagree with Clarke Griffin. They’ll be dead before they can finish saying ‘no.’ Some of us can get things done without a body count.”

“Because you never take responsibility for anything! You’ve committed plenty of sins yourself but you refuse to acknowledge them or you find a way to pass off the blame. You figured out how to turn the dropship into a ring of fire. You blew up the bridge. You unlocked the missile so McCreary could bomb earth. You as good as killed me when you sent me to that tower. You're why I spent all that time alone, barely surviving on the planet you played your part in destroying. Have I once blamed you for that or tried to make you feel bad about it? No. Could you say the same if the roles were reversed? What would you do if someone ever held the perfect Raven Reyes up to her own bullshit standards? What would happen if everyone held you accountable for your mistakes for once?"

"Played my part? Played my part? We all know who's to blame for the end of the entire freakin' world, Clarke, and that's you. That's all you. You kill everything you touch. The earth was doomed the minute your feet hit the ground. What you made were choices, not mistakes, and even if they were- The mistakes I’ve made never caused mass burials. I never killed my friends.”

“You left me for dead.”

“Like I said, I save my friends.”

"At least I can-"

"Woah, woah, hold on.” Suddenly Bellamy was there, placing a hand on each of their shoulders and pushing them apart.

It wasn’t until that moment she noticed that she’d met Raven step for step getting closer. She wasn’t backing down. She wasn’t going to cower in shame. She’d done the best that she could. Clarke wasn’t going to deny that she was a monster, but she’d become one out of love. She’d become one by doing things she knew she’d hate herself for because she loved everyone else enough to do them. She shouldn’t have to apologize for that. She should never have been asked to do that in the first place. It wasn’t fair. She’d done the best that she could, dammit.

”What the hell is going on?”

Clarke felt light-headed with adrenaline. She felt the fire in her that had been missing for so long. There was an agonizing cleansing she felt with every word she spit in Raven’s direction."Back off, Bellamy,” she warned. This had to happen. She had to follow through. She was done begging for forgiveness from someone who’d been the first to ask her to sacrifice her soul and the first to hate her for it afterward. Turning back to Raven she said, “At least I can say I did everything I could to save our friends. I was willing to go to Becca’s lab for you. I did-“

“Tell that to Finn.”

Clare’s jaw almost hit the floor with the vicious bitterness in Raven’s voice. That level of anger didn’t come from something flaring back to life. That came from something long simmering, waiting to erupt. All these years, had Raven-

“That wasn’t my fault. I didn’t want to do that. Finn killed all those people-“

“For you.“

“Raven, that’s enough,” Bellamy said. But that was all he said.

“I was going to help him run, in case you’ve forgotten. Despite the consequences I wanted to fight to save him and he turned himself in. Then it was either him or everyone. I did the best that I could. I killed a piece of myself with Finn and I did it to keep everyone else safe. I loved him too and I-“

“Loved him so much you started screwing the woman who was going to torture him to death.”

“Raven,” Bellamy said in a sharp, warning voice. But that was all he said.

Clarke felt the entire room begin swaying under her feet and the walls pressing in. Maybe they had been the whole time. Only the mention of Lexa had knocked her off her war horse enough to feel it.

“That’s not fair. Lexa was doing what she had to for her people. Lexa was the only one who understood-“

“And it was Lexa who was going to let Trikru torture me for a crime I didn’t commit. Real winner there. Of course that’s the only person who’s ever loved you. Real way to-“

“I saved you.” Clarke fought to stay upright without swaying. “I drank from a bottle that could be poisoned to stop them. I pulled the lever at Mount Weather when they had you on the table. When they-“

“You’re really going to talk to me about torture? You’re why McCreary tortured me; tortured Shaw. What happened to us is all on you. I’ve been tortured more than anyone and you’re the one trying to play the sympathy card?”

“I’m not asking for sympathy. I’m saying your torture ended and mine never will. We’ve all felt pain, you don’t get to decide whose is worse. And I’m sorry about McCreary, if I could take that on myself to save you I would, but-“

“If you’re apology has ‘but’ in it then don’t bother. You’ve already made it clear you don’t mean it. You’re not sorry about any of the pain you’ve caused.”

“-But, you wanted my child to lead an army into a massacre. You wanted her to lead them into the gorge.”

“We all wanted that, not just me, and it was only a death trap because you made it one. And she was fine; we won and that was why. But I guess your argument of the few for the many goes right out the window when it’s someone you actually care about. Who knew you had it in you? Too bad Finn, me, Bellamy, Murphy, Octavia, Shaw-“

“I’m so sorry I wasn’t going to willingly let my daughter die. The fact that you’d be willing to says you’re not as angelic as you think you are.”

“I saved Madi from Sheidheda.”

“You almost let her watch her mother be murdered. You didn’t do a thing when-“

“After you turned us all in. You almost got Bellamy killed. That’s the thing with you, isn’t it? Always playing the martyr, ‘saving your people,’ when you hurt us more than anyone. Do you think we’ve forgotten? Emori in Becca’s lab, Bellamy in Polis, Murphy-“

“This is over,” Bellamy snapped.

“You’re really going to take her side?” Raven said, outraged.

"I'm not taking sides. I'm ending this conversation. Both of you need to cool off.”

"Both of us need to..." Clarke trailed off, not believing what she was hearing.

"The only one who needs to cool off is the Commander of Death. She's the one in here thinking she can defend hurting and killing so many innocent people. I can't believe you can look at me and try to say your pain compares. I don't deserve mine. You do. You deserve a hell of a lot worse for everything you've done. I can't believe you can look in the mirror and live with yourself.”

“What do you want from me? How many times are we going to do this? You call me here to fix your problems and when I make the hard choices and get more reasons I’ll never sleep at night you’re the first to tell me I’m a monster for it. And I don’t know how I didn’t see it all this time but you’re a monster too. You shove all the responsibility on me; make me bear it so you don’t have to. You never see past your self-righteous bullshit to see what you’re doing to other people. You wanna know why your hands are still clean? It’s because the minute things have gotten messy you pass off the problem to someone else. Everyone else can see that. Everyone else ‘forgave me’ for keeping them alive. I don’t need to explain myself-“

“Forgave you? You can’t be stupid enough to think that’s real. No one can forgive what you’ve done to us. Everyone is playing nice with you because you’re useful for now and Bellamy laid on this big elaborate guilt trip when you showed up. He went through the long list of every poor-Clarke moment. Dying at Gabriel’s, almost dying here, accepting we were going to peacefully build a settlement with Russel instead of fight another war because of you. We've been forced to follow you around and keep watch on you day and night because your brain is melting and you still act like you're better than us. We’re putting up with you until-"

“Enough!” Bellamy thundered so loudly it registered over the pounding in her ears, barely. But that was all he said.

“If she can’t face what she’s done she shouldn’t have done it. You’re trying to defend the angel of death as if there could be-“

Jasper. Only Jasper had called her that before. Raven didn’t know that, but it was the final blow that knocked her out of their brawl.

Clarke was dimly aware they were still talking. The room wasn't so much spinning any more; it was all blurring before her eyes as it moved so fast. She could hardly stand. There was no way she was going to be able to take this much longer without falling apart and there was no way in hell she was going to do that in front of them.

Biting her cheek until it bled to feel anything but the way the earth was rolling beneath her feet, Clarke turned. Bellamy was by the front entryway and she wasn’t going near him. So she turned towards the exit into the attached garage, moving fast so her momentum could help keep her upright.

"That's it, run away. You're good at that; leaving everyone behind when you-"

"Raven, I said enough!"

"Yeah, Bellamy, shock us all. Take her side even though you know I'm right because your stupid, blind loyalty to her as always worked out so well for you. How many-"

"I'm not taking sides! We're a family and we need to-"

Clarke stopped hearing him when she rounded the corner and ran straight into someone.  
Through the haze, she was horrified to find it was Madi.

"I hate them," her daughter said, eyes red and tear tracks down her face. 

Oh god. There wasn't time. She wouldn't- She couldn't-

Grabbing Madi's shirt all she could do was wordlessly drag her along as she moved as quickly as she could manage, making it through the garage and around the corner of the building. She tried to catch herself, hand desperately trying to find purchase on the wall, but it was no use. She fell to her knees hard, dry heaving.

"Clarke? Clarke? What do I do? I don't know how to help. I don't know what to do."

Hearing the absolute panic in Madi's voice forced all the scalding pain and anger in her to crystalize. She couldn't do this. She couldn't be weak like this in front of her. Clawing at the wall again, she fought to stand, Madi catching her arm and helping her to her feet. 

"We have to get home." Clarke recognized the fear she was feeling. They were out in the open in enemy territory. They needed to go; they needed to hide. 

Gabriel had told her that the damage in her brain wasn't like a wound on her body; there was no sucking it up and walking it off. 'Like hell I can't,' Clarke told herself with gritty determination, commanding herself to move. She was stronger than this, she needed to do this, she needed to prove that like the million times before when she felt like putting one foot in front of the other would be too hard to manage she overcame it and found a way to keep going.

She made it all of two steps before she knew she was about to hit the ground, hard. Before she could Madi was there, catching her, slinging Clarke's arm around her shoulders and taking her weight.

"I've got you, I've got you. We can do this. I'll get us home."

Clarke fought to not cry as she stumbled through each step, her child having to half-carry her. Madi was burdened with the weight of the world, a weight so heavy she was already struggling to carry it all, and now she was burdened with the literal weight of her own mother as she bore the brunt of getting them home. And as hard as she was trying, with everything she had in her, there was nothing Clarke could do to overcome it. She was completely helpless to stop what was happening with her body. She couldn't stop how she was hurting Madi.

Despite their slow pace, they took a longer route, staying out of sight. Madi was so smart. There was no telling what Clarke would do if she saw anyone at that moment. Or if anyone saw her like that.

When they arrived home Madi got her to bed, taking off her shoes and swinging her legs up for her like she was the parent. Then she crawled in herself, curling around Clarke and resting her head on her chest, and wept. 

There was no change in how bad her symptoms were but on her back Clarke could weather them a little better if she focused. Running a hand down Madi's hair again and again she did what she could to comfort her while battling to keep her own emotions in check. Madi had been through enough already.

"I hate them," she said again and Clarke was tortured by the devastation and rage those words contained. "I heard her. All they do is use you and blame you. I thought they were our friends. You told all the stories like they were our friends."

Shit. 

Selfishly caught up in how she felt she hadn't thought about Madi's perspective. They'd been completely alone. Madi had never had any friends growing up, only Clarke and stories about the people in the stars who were going to come back for them someday. As Heda, forming friendships was going to be a challenge all of her life; she remembered Lexa telling her the path of a Commander was a lonely one. Madi had only felt safe interacting with the people her mother had given her the belief she could trust. Clarke thought about Diyoza's words, and that by telling her daughter the brutal truth she would never be crushed by the harsh reality of the world when faced with it. Clarke spending all those years pretending the others truly cared about her, glossing over the reality of what their relationships were really like to focus on the positives, made Madi think it was the truth. 

But how the others felt about Clarke wasn't the point at the moment. She knew what she'd seen between them and Madi was real. That's why she'd known she could leave. None of them treated anyone else the way they treated her so she knew they wouldn't do that to Madi. Her daughter would have a family that loved her, like they all loved each other. They would take care of her better than Clarke ever had.

"Shh, shh," Clarke soothed, fighting back her nausea. "It's ok. It's all going to be alright. They're different with you. It's not the same. They can't forgive me because of what happened but it's not like that with you. You're special. You're not alone anymore."

"No I'm not. I thought they were our friends but I can't trust them. We can't trust anyone."

That was enough for tears to finally start trickling from the corner of Clarke's eyes. She forced her chest not to shake from holding in sobs because she knew Madi would feel it under her cheek. 

Madi couldn't live like that. Clarke didn't want that for her. She shouldn't be alone anymore. She'd never be close to anyone if she gave up trusting everyone and Clarke couldn't stand the thought of Madi being lonely ever again. What Clarke had done and the way it made people feel about her was not something Madi should suffer for. 

"Madi, listen to me. You're special. I have too much bad history with them, but you don't have any. Bellamy... Bellamy loves you. Gaia loves you, and Octavia, Indra. Murphy wanted to know your favorite color so you'd like your room when he made it nice for you. You're not alone."

Madi shook her head against Clarke's skin. "Indra wants me to run things like the old ways. She only spends time with me because I'm Heda; she's using me like they use you. And- And- Octavia was going to kill me then she used me too. She gets to do whatever she wants now because I'm the one who has to take care of Wonkru instead of her. She says she'll help but she doesn't do anything to help me fix what she broke. She gave me Wonkru and now she's free. I'll never be free. And Murphy's Spacekru. They're only loyal to each other. If I ever make one of them angry and they turn on me, they all will. I can't trust any of them."

Clarke felt a stabbing pain within her. Madi wasn't entirely wrong. They were using her position as Heda, to a degree, one way or another. They were so loyal to one another, Clarke realized there would always be a possibility they'd betray anyone else. Maybe even Madi.

But she couldn't be alone. After all their years waiting and wishing and praying, Madi deserved a life with more people in it than just Clarke. Madi deserved a world's worth of happiness, more than what Clarke could give her. Clarke couldn't ever give her enough.

"What about Gaia? She killed her god to save you. And you know RJ would do anything for you. And Bellamy..." Clarke recalled the drive to Sanctum that had softened her distrust towards him and how the way he'd talked about Madi had been a large part of that. She'd felt assured that when she was gone Bellamy would take over a parental role in her place. Clarke knew she was starting to tremble. Yet another thing she was helpless to stop. It seemed like Madi was still crying too much herself to notice. "Bellamy loves you like you're his family. He loves you so much, Madi." 

That only made her daughter cry harder and Clarke wished she had the strength to rock her, but she didn't, so she held her as tightly as she could and continued to stroke her hair. 

After several minutes Madi could finally catch her breath enough to speak. "Maybe Gaia an-and RJ. But not Bellamy. Never Bellamy."

Clarke felt her heart skip several beats at the tone of Madi's voice. What had he done? What the hell had he done? "Tell me. Tell me why."

"He- He told me about you being sick a long time before you did. He told me to not tell you I knew. I kept it from you because I thought- I thought he... He told me he was going to tell everybody and I didn't want him to but he said it was for your own good and to not tell you. I trusted him. I thought he cared about you but now- now- So I never told you, and they were using you, and that makes it my- my fault. And- And he told me if something was wrong he would help me. He would take care of us and we weren't alone anymore. Wh-when you went to Sanctum- left the notes- He had told me you were sick, so I was scared, so I tried to find him. I looked and looked. I tried to find him for hours. He told me he would be there and I tried to find him and he was gone and I went home alone and I- When he said he was sorry I forgave him because I thought he really cared about us. I thought he was our fa-f-family. I thought I could tr-trust he mea-meant it." Madi's sobbing became too hard for her to speak and Clarke wished she could say something but she was drowning in the tidal wave of feelings hitting her.

Madi caught her breath and continued, saying, "And he told me I had to take the Flame to- to save you. When he said it I was scared and told him you'd hate him and he told me if I did it I'd save everybody and- and I- I didn't know how to say no. I wanted to keep you safe. I wanted to be brave and save our people. I missed home. I wanted to go h-home. I didn't want anybody to die because I was too- I wanted to be brave. Like you. And them. In the stories. I wanted you to be safe and take us home. If I didn't take it, and you died... It would be- It would be all my fault. I couldn't- I couldn't be why- And then it was in me and I didn't feel- I felt like- I wanted to be brave-"

"Shh, shh, shh." Only Clarke's fury gave her the ability to pry apart her clenched jaw. "You're so brave. You're so, so brave. None of this is your fault. Nothing would have been your fault. None of it. I'm sorry I wasn't there to protect you, Madi. I'm sorry I didn't keep you safe. That I- I'm sorry that I let you trust them. I should have known better; told you everything. I'm so sorry Madi. I'll do better. I'll protect your heart better. I'm so, so sorry."

"I'm pre-preten-pretending to be a real Commander. Half of what's left of- of- Needs me to- from killing each other. And I'm- I'm faking it. I can't risk trusting an-anyone. I can't mess up. I can't t-trust anybody. But you. We were safe... We were safe when it was only us. I want to go back. I want to go h-h0-home. And be safe. Just us. But it's go-gone."

"I know," Clarke whispered, having to keep her voice soft to mask how strangled she knew she sounded. "We'll get through this together. Just us. I’m going to keep you safe and everything is going to be ok. We're going to be ok. I've made mistakes but I love you more than I've ever loved anything, Madi. I'll do better. I'm going to keep you safe. I love you. Forever. I'll love you most forever."

"I know. I love you too. Always. I'll- I'll love you always."

And with that Clarke found the herculean strength it took to rock her child after all. She did for a long time as Madi cried herself to sleep.

They hadn't had to say that out loud to each other in a long, long time. It spoke to the level of Madi's heartbreak.

When she was still little there would be moments, often upon waking in the night, that Madi would cry, missing her parents. Clarke hadn't known how to comfort her but tried her best. She'd promised her that her parents were always going to be with her in their own way. They'd always be a part of her because they had loved her so much that it would last forever. As long as she was alive, even though they were gone, her parents would always love her. 

One night when Clarke had been reminding her of that as she wiped away her tears, Madi had looked at her with big eyes and asked if Clarke loved her forever too. That had been the moment Madi had become her daughter. Clarke promised she'd love her forever and ever and Madi had nodded, believing her, and said that she'd always love her back. 

Though they hadn't said it in years, not since Madi's crying fits had stopped, that was why each time Clarke had left for Sanctum she'd written notes for Madi signed, 'I love you the most, forever and for always.' It meant more than anything else she could write. The meaning had never left, only the need to say it. It said not to worry because at that very moment they were together in the way that mattered most. It told Madi how very, very much she loved her; so unconditionally and so endlessly it would be with her every day for the rest of her life. And most of all, knowing how sick she was, Clarke wanted those to be her final words to Madi in case things didn't go well.

They hadn't needed to say those words since the last time Madi had family members that died. The way she was reacting now prompted Clarke to console her the same way. Madi was crying like the people Clarke had stupidly, stupidly let Madi grow to care about - despite how they'd treated Clarke herself - had died. Clarke couldn't believe she'd been so insanely, unbelievably stupid. Madi was in a position of authority and her first instinct was to step up for other people when they needed her. Of course they were going to take advantage of that. They'd perfected it with Clarke. Why had she thought they could act any other way? Why the hell had she been willing to risk Madi's emotional well-being on them?

When she was sure Madi's slumber was deep enough that nothing could wake her, Clarke carefully slid out of bed. She still felt awful and it was still hard to walk but she held onto the walls and took her time shuffling to a chair before the empty fireplace. She wished she could start a blaze to stare into. It would make it so much easier to envision tossing in every memory she had of sitting in that very spot. She could cleanse herself watching them burn but she knew she was too weak to manage it. She felt trapped in the dark, cold, with those memories haunting her.

Bellamy kneeling before her, asking her to trust him. Bandaging her wound when she'd been hurt. She'd known he'd gotten Madi to take the Flame but she'd never known what he had said. Madi had truly felt like she didn't have the option to say no. He might as well have held her down and shoved it in her neck by force. That might have even been better. At least that way he couldn't hide behind saying Madi chose and her daughter wouldn't have the words ringing in her ears that everyone was going to die because of her. And then Clarke had sat with him in front of the fire talking about their days and protecting Madi and the future and smiling at one another like what they had was real. 

She’d sat there with Miller every night. No wonder he’d shown up out of the blue wanting to talk about their past- he'd figured out how to get her to let him come in so often and let him stay so long. Clarke thought about the things she’d admitted to him and fought the urge to start ripping her hair out. There had been real moments between them - she had to tell herself that, she needed to believe that one thing even if it was a lie - but how real could any of it be when it was prompted by pity and hidden motivations? He’d only been there because it was his turn babysitting her while her 'brain melted.' 

Oh, god, babysitting. That was the exact term Murphy had used during the Red Sun. He had known what she’d do from the last time and had come to save her life, but not because he actually cared. He’d admitted to her even then that they needed her to fix things in Wonkru; if they knew how to do it themselves they would have left her alone. He’d admitted it to her face. She’d wanted so badly to believe it meant something it didn’t, she’d chosen to interpret that as them caring if she was with them even though she’d known from the start they only cared about what she could do for them. For the first and only time, she’d admitted her feelings about Bellamy. She so badly didn’t want to be alone anymore, and to feel the connection of trusting someone, and to have a friend, she’d let her biggest secret slip out to a man who was only there because he had to be.

And Bellamy… He hadn’t said a word. In the shop. She thought of the drive back from Sanctum when he's stopped to tell her he thought she was a good person. He'd seemed so sincere, every word had torn through so many of the walls she'd put up. They'd hugged. But if any of that was true he would have said something. Then she thought of other times. It all came flooding back. 

Before they even descended to Alpha, when Murphy and Emori had talked about her betraying their friends, how that was to be expected from her, Bellamy had been right there yet it had been Echo who defended her. When Raven had said they ought to leave her from the ground mission to prevent Clarke from 'shooting first' Bellamy had continued talking like it was no big deal. Upon landing, Shaw had made his first dig at her and Bellamy had waited until everyone walked away before saying they'd eventually come around. Everything that was said around the campfire that night... Bellamy hadn't said anything. When Murphy had mocked her about not being able to reach Madi after Shaw died, he'd only said something after Murphy had done the same to Miller about Octavia. Even then he'd only said it to protect Murphy from Miller's reaction. The first real, kind conversation they'd had was when they'd been in the Sanctum school, alone. When Murphy had really gone for the throat when they were tied up before the Red Sun, Bellamy had only given a half-hearted defense saying he'd been the one who hung Murphy, not correcting him when Murphy said she'd forced his hand even though Bellamy was the only one who knew she'd begged him to stop the lynch mob. When Murphy went even further all Bellamy had only given a gruff order to stop and he didn't argue when she'd quoted back that people died when she was in charge. The entirety of the Red Sun. She'd witnessed him apologize to Murphy after, in the tavern, but not her. He told her that he'd said she was their leader in front of the others only because Russel seemed to like her 'for some reason'. He'd said he forgave her for Polis when they were alone. Had he even said that? Looking back, she'd apologized and called him her family and all he'd said back was her name before hugging her. 

How had she missed that? When they were alone Bellamy said all the right things. Around his family, his loyalties were clearer.

From there, everything he'd said and done had been when she was dead or dying. He always cared then. That was specifically why she hadn't wanted him to follow her to Sanctum when she'd gone to Gabriel for help. She knew he'd do anything for her then but that it wouldn't be real. As soon as she was on her feet, when she wasn't useful or in need of saving again, things would go back to the way they were. They'd all forget about her again. She'd be alone.

Clarke lost her battle with herself and clutched at her hair, trying to use the pain of it to keep herself from completely breaking down. 

She’d known better. She was such an idiot. She’d known not to trust him. She knew he loved his family more than he’d ever cared about her and he’d proven her right more than once. She’d trusted him anyway, against her better judgment, and he’d told everyone her secrets. The deeply private moment of dying in Gabriel's tent - when she realized she loved him - and the treatments she was getting, and more. He’d talked them into pretending to care about her. The whole time, when he’d made such a big deal about wanting her to come home when she’d left and how he needed her with him, it was all because he wanted her to fix the mess he’d made. Wonkru had started fighting and falling apart so he's suddenly remembered she existed. She told him things, and had willingly been vulnerable in front of him, and let him see so much of the pain and weakness in her. And then he’d just stood there as Raven ripped her to shreds. All he’d done was say that Raven ought to stop. Nothing else. 

When her thoughts once more sent the room spinning Clarke pulled at her hair harder and tried to focus on her breathing. She couldn’t risk running out the front door to throw up as she had weeks ago. One of her guards was probably posted outside like Miller had been the last time. 

She was trapped. Trapped inside while she lost her mind, exactly like when she’d first arrived. At least back then she'd accepted that was how things would always be because she believed them when they had shown her how they really felt about her, before her pathetic desire to be one of them convinced her to forget it. She'd told herself if she thought any of it was real she'd break her own heart, and lo and behold.

That’s when it happened. Through the claustrophobia and hurt something started scraping within her, the sharpness of it enough to distract her from her twisted stomach and broken heart. 

This wasn’t like last time. The last time that heart of hers had been freshly shattered from losing her mother, and her brain was damaged from her fight with Josephine, and the abrupt loss of purpose had left her free-falling into the abyss of her past. Her friends had all abandoned her and that had been the final blow in the battle she was waging inside herself to go on. 

The only reason she’d survived had been her love for Madi, who now she knew they’d intentionally used and hurt as well.

No, this wasn’t like last time. None of those factors were gone but they had eased enough for her entire existence to be a little more than that hopeless hell. She still hadn’t healed from losing Abby but she’d experienced some of life without her. Medically she’d made huge strides. She’d found purpose in Wonkru - as much as it was a thankless task - and she had plans for the future.

And sure, Gabriel needed her to fix Sanctum, Cathrine was kind to her out of pity, and RJ and Diyoza owed her a debt for getting them into Wonkru. In many ways their motivations proved the point that she was more useful than worthy of friendship. All the same, they’d never tricked her or blamed her for things out of her control, or made her feel like the monster she was. It was only because they hadn’t known her long enough but for the time being it was real. She felt things that were real.

Now her ‘friends’ had manipulated her, lied to her, and dropped all of their problems in her lap like always. If everything worked out they’d celebrate the group effort; if it went wrong it would all be her fault. Like always. They’d only acted like they cared about her because they were in trouble. Like always.

But things were different. Because this time Clarke wasn’t devastated. They’d mistreated her child. They’d gotten her to put aside what she wanted, to put them first, because they knew if she thought they were her friends she always would. They made her doubt what she knew to be true, playing her for a fool. They'd made it seem like they really cared about Madi; that they would be different with her.

Clarke released the death grip she'd had on her hair and sat up straight. This time she refused to weep or fall apart knowing she’d never be one of them because she wasn’t good enough. This wasn't like after the liberation of Sanctum when they all cast her aside. No, knowing they'd all played her - again - and she'd fallen for it, pitying her, using her to save the day or be the scapegoat if she couldn't, didn't make her feel broken or lonely. It made her PISSED.

She ran a mental exploration of the places within her that bled, finding the razor-sharp crystals that her hurt and anger had formed upon hearing how frightened Madi had been when Clarke was helplessly falling apart in front of her. She realized the pain she had felt as she listened to Madi cry, heard what they'd done, and as she realized the part they'd each played in lulling her into a false sense of safety, had been those intricate formations growing in size. They were each slicing and dangerous and cold as ice. She realized 'pissed' was the wrong word; those feelings had transformed into something entirely new. Clarke wasn't 'upset' with any of them. No. She hated them all.


	24. Bellamy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> STORY NOTE:  
> \- This is a long one! Lots happening and once I started I couldn't seem to stop. We are finally getting to a place I know we've all been waiting for.
> 
> PERSONAL NOTE:  
> \- As always THANK YOU. You are the nicest people I know and I'm so grateful!  
> \- On the same note, thank you guys so much for your kind condolences. It really means a lot.  
> \- I am excited to reply to comments on the last chapter and going to get on it ASAP because my favorite thing about all of this is chatting with you guys, but I am WAY behind with work. I honestly should not have finished this chapter today but so badly wanted to get it out to you. I hope you enjoy and I am SO excited to hear what you think!

“You left me for dead.”

“Like I said, I save my friends.”

"At least I can-"

"Whoa, whoa, hold on," Bellamy said, dropping their plates carelessly on the table as he rushed over, placing a hand on each and moving them the few feet apart it seemed like they needed to keep from physically fighting. His brain hadn't caught up yet but he knew that would be bad. "What the hell is going on?"

Both women turned on him, glaring, and said in unison, "Back off, Bellamy."

Swiveling back to one another their fight resumed and all of his hopes about their family handling what was ahead of them together began circling the drain.

Clarke's seemed to spew fire as she said, “At least I can say I did everything I could to save our friends. I was willing to go to Becca’s lab for you. I did-“

“Tell that to Finn.”

Bellamy felt the breath get knocked out of him. No. No, no, no, no, no, this wasn't happening.

“That wasn’t my fault. I didn’t want to do that. Finn killed all those people-“

“For you.”

Bellamy heard the agony in Raven’s voice in those two words. He knew losing Finn was an experience that had defined her. He remembered catching her as she screamed after Clarke was forced to kill him, a wail from a place so deep it was unlike anything he’d heard before or since. On the Ring he had fallen in love with Echo but Raven had been his closest friend. She’d been the only one to help him through his intense grief, for the first time revealing the vulnerable profoundness of her loss for the compassionate sake of making him feel less alone in his. 

At the same time, he recalled Clarke talking about her relationship with Finn. He was her first love and he had hidden Raven’s existence until it was thrown in her face. What she’d had to do to him had broken her heart. Losing him was the beginning of believing in a curse that meant she could never fall in love again. 

All of these years later, both of them still carried so much pain over losing the same man. Bellamy had nothing nice to say about him given the way he’d used them both, but that was why - if they’d take a breath and talk about it - they would see that no one else could help them through it like each other could. They were two of the best people he knew.

“Raven, that’s enough,” he said, as she was the one lashing out, so he could explain that and fix things between them. “I-”

But Clarke was already defending herself, saying, “I was going to help him run, in case you’ve forgotten. Despite the consequences I wanted to fight to save him and he turned himself in. Then it was either him or everyone. I did the best that I could. I killed a piece of myself with Finn and I did it to keep everyone else safe. I loved him too and I-”

“Loved him so much you started screwing the woman who was going to torture him to death.”

Oh god. No. No, no, no- 

“Raven,” he snapped in warning. Not Lexa. They were not going there. No matter how upset Raven was, that was off-limits. Bellamy began to feel like his lungs were shrinking in capacity, his breathes becoming shorter. This wasn’t happening.

“That’s not fair. Lexa was doing what she had to for her people. Lexa was the only one who understood-”

“And it was Lexa who was going to let Trikru torture me for a crime I didn’t commit. Real winner there. Of course that’s the only person who’s ever loved you. Real way to-”

“Stop,” Bellamy demanded. That dig about no one else loving Clarke was unacceptable. At first he thought they were continuing to ignore him but then realized his voice had come out more of a wheeze. He tried to inhale enough to try again but it was a struggle.

“I saved you,” Clarke was saying. “I drank from a bottle that could be poisoned to stop them. I pulled the lever at Mount Weather when they had you on the table. When they-”

“You’re really going to talk to me about torture? You’re why McCreary tortured me; tortured Shaw. What happened to us is all on you. I’ve been tortured more than anyone and you’re the one trying to play the sympathy card?”

This wasn’t happening. He couldn’t- This couldn’t be happening. He’d been killing himself trying to make Wonkru work, to make their family work, to repair things between everyone, and it had finally, finally started happening. Everyone had been happy when he’d left to grab them dinner not even twenty minutes ago. That couldn’t go away this fast.

“I’m not asking for sympathy. I’m saying your torture ended and mine never will. We’ve all felt pain, you don’t get to decide whose is worse. And I’m sorry about McCreary, if I could take that on myself to save you I would, but-”

“If you’re apology has ‘but’ in it then don’t bother. You’ve already made it clear you don’t mean it. You’re not sorry about any of the pain you’ve caused.”

“-But, you wanted my child to lead an army into a massacre. You wanted her to lead them into the gorge.”

That knocked every bit of the air he’d fought for from his lungs. This was a bad dream. This was a fresh nightmare. They were just getting along. Everyone was getting along and happy and he’d been trying so hard. For years, everything that he did, that he forced himself to live through, was with the vision of the other side. What they were supposed to have now. They were all supposed to be at peace, and be happy, together. That had just seemed like a reality. They were just in the place they needed to be in. Just a few minutes ago.

He could tell they were still talking but Bellamy could hardly hear them over his own soft panting and the suddenly loud pounding of his heart. In moments of true, helpless, utter fear he’d felt this way before. Couldn’t breathe, couldn’t focus clearly, heart pounding. The last time he’d been like that had been in Gabriel’s tent, when Clarke… He didn’t know why he felt like that now. This wasn’t like that, or the times before. He could fix this. They weren’t in danger. They were both upset - very upset - but he could still fix this. They only needed to listen to him. Clarke had told him he was a great arbitrator. He could do that. He knew how to do that. That’s all he had to do. Deescalate the fight, catch his own breath, and then he could fix this.

Taking in a painfully large, heaving breath, he put all of it into saying, “This is over.”

“You’re really going to take her side?” Raven said, outraged.

Bellamy shook his head vehemently, the rhythm of it highlighting that his heart felt like it was skipping some beats. They were just happy, the way he’d almost lost his damn mind to achieve and he was going to get them back there right now, before things could get worse. Arbitrate. If they’d just slow down, listen to him, he’d fix it. They were two of the best people he knew. They were his family. If they would just listen- ”I’m not taking sides. I'm ending this conversation. Both of you need to cool off.”

"Both of us need to..." Clarke started to say slowly and Bellamy changed his rhythm to a nod, hoping for an assist. Clarke was always his partner in keeping the peace between everyone. She understood.

"The only one who needs to cool off is the Commander of Death. She's the one in here thinking she can-”

Clarke gave him a shocking, scornful look and turned back to the fight and that was a blow Bellamy was not prepared for. 

The uneven pounding in his ears grew louder. They were so close to happiness. All the pain and suffering and blood and death they’d trudged through, he’d told himself that on the other side they were all be happy and safe. Everything had been going to the exact why he’d always imagined. They weren’t quite there yet, they still needed to get things settled with Wonkru, but they were on the right track and with Clarke there he knew it was all going to work out. They’d find peace, together. They had been there. Everyone had been happy when he’d left to grab dinner for them. That couldn’t go away this fast.

They were his family. They were two of his closest friends. They were both good people that he respected, he just needed them to stop long enough for him to explain they had more in common than they thought. If they’d just stop, for a minute, he could fix everything.

Working through another deep breath, feeling sweat begin to form on the back of his neck and forehead, Bellamy tried again to focus. If they’d just listen to him-

“-accepting we were going to peacefully build a settlement with Russel instead of fight another war because of you. We've been forced to follow you around and keep watch on you day and night because your brain is melting and you still act like you're better than us. We’re putting up with you until-“

Coming back to the moment, that was the first thing he heard. That was enough to jolt him into complete focus, putting every bit of himself into shouting, “Enough!”

“If she can’t face what she’s done she shouldn’t have done it. You’re trying to defend the angel of death as if there could be-“

Raven was his friend. She was his family. In any other circumstance, in nearly any other fight, he’d try to find a way to be on her side. But with Clarke? What she’d just said was so beyond tolerable. He might love Raven but not enough to talk stand idly by when she said things like that. “Raven, I said enough!” The words came easier, his temper giving him some room to breathe. They were not doing this. He could fix this - he’d been working himself to the bone, worrying none stop, wearing himself paper thin to make this happen, he had to fix this - but not while Raven was intentionally hurting Clarke.

"Yeah, Bellamy, shock us all. Take her side even though you know I'm right because your stupid, blind loyalty to her has always worked out so well for you. How many-“

"I'm not taking sides! We're a family and we need to act like one. Whatever your issues are, we need to work them out, not scream in each other’s faces. Wonkru needs us, and we need Clarke. None of this works without her. None of this works without us being on the same page, as a team. We need-”

“No, YOU need Clarke. The rest of us can function without some puppet master telling us what to do all of the time. I let you convince me we couldn’t do this without her but you’re wrong.”

“What the hell are you talking about? Things were going to shit before she got here. You know that. You’re the one on the Ring who said-”

“Because you were sitting around with your thumb up your ass waiting for Clarke to come save you. You act like-”

“I’ve killing myself trying to keep this place running. I did everything I could. Where were you? What were you doing to make this-”

“I was building the radiation fence with Emori to keep safe. The water filtration system to keep us alive. Helping Murphy with the Red Sun bunker specs. Teaching Madi. Overseeing the scrapping for tech we can use. I was- Don’t act like I was just sitting with my feet up while you did everything yourself. We’ve all chipped in, Bellamy. It’s never been enough for you. Nothing we do ever is. You take charge of everything you can and then complain about how hard it is; you always have. You strut around, thinking you’re the big man, you’re the king of everything you see, but we all know the truth. Every second you’re just dying for a chance to kneel before your little Queen Clarke. Nothing any of us do is ever enough because we aren’t her and it’s not fair. We’re trying too but we’re not Clarke, so it doesn’t matter to you, and it’s not fair.”

That knocked him on his ass for a second. The sincere emotion in Raven’s voice was… He’d never known she felt that way. She was one of his closest friends and he’d had no clue. He never meant to make anyone feel like they weren’t good enough. “Raven, it’s not like that. Of course I appreciate you. I always have. There are so many times we wouldn’t have made it without. Anything I’ve done to make you feel like I don’t appreciate you, I’m sorry. Be as mad at me as you want, but it doesn’t change the fact that we all need each other at the end of the day. We need to find a way to work through our differences. I know Clarke-”

He gestured towards her, glancing that way, only to find the place she’d been standing empty. “Shit.”

What Raven had said to her had been downright, intentionally hurtful. Clarke must be upset. Bellamy’s stomach start churning, a pressure growing in his chest. If she was upset she could be sick. Thinking about that, he saw her bloody in his arms as he carried her from Gabriel’s tent to Sanctum, her crying and thrashing in the lab, and that smudge of blood on the radio when she’d fled without him in the night.

Shit, shit, shit, shit. That pressure in his chest quickly doubled, tripled, grew, until it ached. The struggle to breathe returned.

“Yeah, that seems about right. Clarke stormed off so you’re going to leave in the middle of our conversation, because Clarke comes first. Clarke always comes first,” Raven said sourly, waving her hand in the direction Clarke must have gone. 

“It’s not like that,” Bellamy said, his voice pleading with her to understand even as he started to walk away. He cared about everyone. So much. He never meant to make Raven feel like she was less valuable to him. If things were different he’d absolutely stay with her, because they needed to talk about what she’d said, but Clarke could be sick. When she was upset she self isolated and he needed to be sure she was ok. “I care about you. We will talk. It’s-”

“Go already. It’s obvious who matters more to you."

“No, no, it’s not like that.” Bellamy voice pleaded with her to understand as much as he could manage through his ruined lungs. “We’ll talk. You don’t understand. Clarke could- I have to-”

Raven dismissed him by turning away, and Bellamy hated making her even more upset, but it had to be done. “Post a guard here when you go. Please. Clarke-” he saw all of her muscles tense but he didn't know what else to do. “She could try to take off in the night and she might need my help. Our. Our help. Please.”

“Fine. Whatever. Go, already.”

Bellamy hauled ass to Clarke’s, his sprinting catching Miller’s attention. Naturally joining him, they arrived at Clarke’s together. Bellamy wasn’t standing still yet by the time he was knocking on her door. He was glad Clarke had listened to him and finally started locking it but in that moment he wouldn’t have been mad for the chance to go bursting in to see if she was ok. 

“What’s going on?”

“I need to find Clarke.”

“Ooook. She’s usually home by about now. Can I ask why this is… Weird?”

Bellamy shook his head, unsure of what to say. He’d hoped Clarke would never find out that he’d shared her medical information without permission. He knew for a fact she’d be pissed about that but he'd been so worried it had seemed like a reasonable risk at the time. It made him hesitate now to give up details he was sure she’d rather keep private.

“I need to find Clarke,” he repeated, pounding on her door, but there continued to be no light from within and no answer.

Miller began shifting around, picking up on Bellamy’s agitated concern and matching it without question. “If you want the door open, I will open the door,” he said with a meaningful glance.

“Is everything ok?” Glancing over Bellamy saw Echo approaching. “I could hear you from our place.”

“I need to find Clarke.”

“What’s wrong?”

“She…” He needed to answer but he’d barely began to earn her trust back and wasn’t ready to test it so soon. That meant both not letting Miller break-in no matter how much he feared she was hiding out inside, or spreading her business everywhere without need. He couldn’t be certain she wasn’t taking a walk to cool off and if so she would definitely not appreciate him making a huge fuss and involving everyone in her business. He compromised his concern and her privacy with, “She got in a huge fight with Raven. I’m not sure… how she’s taking it.”

Echo stared at him wordlessly, brow furrowed, before nodding in worried understanding. “How about I watch out for her here? You and Miller can go look around. I have our radio in the house so I can let you know if she shows up.”

“Yes,” Bellamy sighed gratefully. “That’s perfect, thank you. See you soon."

With that he and Miller took off, splitting the camp in two between them and parting ways to start their search. 

He looked, and looked, and the longer he couldn’t find her, the more that aching tension in him grew. He began panting again at one point. The dream that defined him couldn’t really be going this off coarse. They were so close. He would get into Raven’s resentment and work that out, which would mean he could fix things between Clarke and Raven, which would mean they’d all go back to being a happy, unified family. Until then they’d hold off on moving to the next stage of their plan to not add more pressure or distract from them finding peace together before spreading it everywhere else. They were so close to the vision that had kept him going through every awful thing that had happened. They were all going to finally have the life they deserved. He’d fix everything and they’d all be happy. He as sure of it. He’d fix it.

It was well after midnight when Miller, with Echo using a private channel over the radio as backup, convinced Bellamy to go home. Miller’s argument was that they were both getting so tired they’d walk past Clarke and not even realize it. When he promised to put all five of his night guard on Clarke-searching duty Bellamy caved, knowing it wouldn’t be long until dawn and he could start fresh.

The next morning proved no more fruitful. He couldn’t find Madi either - Octavia told him she hadn’t shown up for her fighting lesson that morning - which was deeply, deeply, deeply concerning and began to change his mind on telling everyone that with was an official emergency. No Rover’s were missing and there was no way in hell Clarke would walk Madi to Sanctum in the night. They were there somewhere. If he could find them everything would be alright. He’d be able to fix everything when he was with both of them. 

It was nearly lunchtime when he finally heard, “Bellamy, do you copy?”

Bellamy ripped his radio from his belt. “Copy. Any updates?"

There was a slight pause before Miller responded. “Uhmm,” he actually said over the line, “Madi ordered everyone to gather at the mess hall. I guess this morning she had Indra and Gaia start telling people to spread it by word of mouth. I just found out. All of Wonkru are already on their way there."

"Dammit, Clarke," Bellamy growled. Immediately his fear and anxiety was accompanied by a healthy dose of frustration. Would she ever stop doing this to him? Leaving, hiding, avoiding, pushing him away, while he drove himself insane worrying about her?

By the time he got there, it was true, it looked like nearly every member of Wonkru was present. They were all milling in front of the mess hall, too many to fit in the structure at once. 

Searching the crowd for Clarke and/or Madi, Bellamy was surprised to see Diyoza and then immediately not as he noticed she was standing next to Edzun. The pair were blatantly sizing one another up. Clarke had arranged for the phase two announcement to take place a day early in a manner he wouldn't be able to stop or postpone, knowing full well he would try until they were all on the same page again, and had the problem of their most likely heckler addressed in advance. Because she was Clarke, and of course she did.

Bellamy started moving, attempting to seem casual to not get anyone riled up, but also dead-set on finding them immediately. They were there somewhere. If he couldn't slow down what was happening at least he could carry his weight. They were a team. They were in this together.

Before he could get far, a loud sound drew everyone's attention to where Indra was beating a staff against a table he hadn't noticed had been dragged out. "Ai kru, bow fou Madi kom Louwoda Kliron kru, Heda gon osir yuj Wonkru, heir kom Bekka Pramheda, pas Leksa kom Trikru, sonraun Praimfaya, en Wanheda, osir klir kom Maun-de, klir kom Soncha Kapa, sonraun Praimfaya, teik kom Alpha."

A power move to start with, spoken in Trigedasleng no less. It brought to mind the old ways; the formality and awe the role of Heda inspired during their lives on Earth. The message was equally ceremonial, the wording commanding respect. 'My people, bow before Madi of the Shallow Valley Clan, Commander of our mighty Wonkru, heir of Becca Pramheda, successor of Lexa of the Woods Clan, survivor of Praimfaya, and Wanheda, savior from Mount Weather, savior from the City of Light, survivor of Praimfaya, the deliverer to Alpha.' 

They did have quite the resumés between them, no one could deny that.

As one, the crowd took a knee. Bellamy followed suit more slowly. Above the lowered heads he could make out where Clarke and Madi emerged from behind the mess hall, their strides confident. Knowing them, Clarke had been prepping Madi back there and had given her a pep talk to get through this. He should have been there to help her too. Why hadn’t he been there?

Madi used a chair as a stepping stool onto the table and faced the crowd, Clarke standing on said chair herself. A clear partnership with Madi visibly more powerful. Where would he have been if he'd been given the opportunity to join them? And more painful- They were alone. The last announcement had been made with all of them together as a united front. Now they were up there, everyone's eyes on them, alone.

Madi ordered her people to rise. She looked composed and was softly smiling, creating a sense of ease. Setting up the exception that this was surely going to be more good news.

"Wonkru is about to make an enormous amount of progress creating our new civilization on Alpha," she said in Trig. "What we do now creates the foundation that our future will be built upon; one that our people will thrive on for generations to come. 

"We all know there is no growth without some adjustment. So as our people grow in strength it has been decided that we will grow closer as a kru as well, making the most of the blank slate our fresh world has given us. This means the houses that are being built will be done so on predetermined, assigned plots to ensure all land will all be of equal value, being distributed to everyone in relation to their occupation moving forward. Our farmers will be located closer to the fields. Our future doctors closer to the hospital, and so on. Homes with both, between them." Madi had kept her delivery light as if this was a joyful declaration. She added an edge of hardness when she clarified, "This is not a discussion. There will be no trading spots or compromises. As your Commander, you will take the land I give you and be thankful. Is that understood?"

The was a slight pause.

"Your Heda asked you if you understood us," Clarke said in her most dangerous voice, adding her name behind the command.

"Yes, Heda, Wanheda," everyone intoned together.

Madi began again, the purely benevolent ruler once more. "This will be as easy as you make it. In the next several days, we will be meeting with each family to personally speak with you regarding your land and your future. I care about you. I care about us. We are Wonkru and we are strong! This is how we become even stronger."

She earned cheers out of instinct when she passionately called Wonkru strong and it gave the general impression the cheers were for the plan. Clarke had thought this out well and Madi could not be delivering it more perfectly. There was a soft tension in the crowd - people were starting to fully realize what she'd meant - but the pair were already stepping down before anyone could react. They had no obligation to give more than orders. This way there was no opportunity for the masses to work one another into a frenzy sharing their opinions as a mob. That said, there couldn't be true hard feelings about them not staying. Their Heda cared about them so much she was going to meet with them personally. How lucky were they? They'd get a chance to speak to her face-to-face about any thoughts or concerns they had. In their lives on Earth they'd never imagine such an honor being granted to them.

As worried and frustrated as he was, he had to give it to Clarke: it had been a fine line they'd walked and she was the only person clever enough to pull it off so seamlessly. 

Instead of exiting the way they'd come they made their way through the crowd, Madi smiling with regal poise at everyone she passed, reinforcing how blessed they were to have a Commander so willing to walk amongst them, make eye contact, show kindness. Lexa had been beloved for being so generous with her people by spending time in their midst and mindful of their wellbeing. Madi was even more so. Everyone had grown used to seeing her around camp but with their display, it reminded them to be dazzled by her. Clarke was a step behind. She was also smiling but there was a sharpness to her. Bellamy realized why she was playing her role that way and it added to his exasperation with her.

She was setting herself up to be the villain if things went wrong.

"That went shockingly well," Murphy muttered and Bellamy distractedly nodded, casting him a brief glance. Doing so he noticed their friends had all found them in the crowd and were standing nearby. He didn't spare more than that quick observation, unable to take his attention off of Clarke and Madi, their appearance not slipping from the characters they'd chosen to play. In addition to the plethora of feelings already bombarding him, as they walked nearby he felt every hair suddenly stand on end, tension snapping his spine straighter. It was only the instinctive compulsion to turn and survey their surroundings that enabled him to tear his eyes away. Seeing them up there without him had clearly put his protective instincts over the edge.

By the time he looked back they'd broken through the outskirts of the crowd and continued on, their strong retreating profiles holding so many gazes in addition to his own.

There was no question in his mind if he was going to go after them or not. He'd worried himself sick about Clarke and while he was grateful to see she was physically alright, it did not lessen his concern about her well-being after what had transpired the night before or his aggravation that he’d felt panicked from being unable to find her for the roughly fiftieth time in their lives.

He took no more than a few paces to follow them before Gaia stepped into his way. “The Commander would like to speak with you.” She glanced around at his friends. “All of you. She’ll meet you at Raven’s shop shortly.”

She scurried ahead of them before Bellamy could ask for details and he followed her, scowling in confusion, ignoring the others as they fell behind him.

Murphy wasn’t so easily forgotten and bumped Bellamy’s shoulder. “So maybe I'm missing the obvious but why were we the last people to know about this?” He was trying to pass off his attitude as mildly curious but Bellamy wasn’t fooled. Shrugging, Bellamy kept walking in silence.

When they entered the shop they found it empty. Out of habit, they all fell around the large drafting table, covered with schematics and lists, still hosting the absurdly huge pile of pens and markers Raven had eagerly found for Clarke the day she’d come home with him; the day they’d started planning the future of Wonkru together. One by one his friends asked him if he knew what was happening in the brief minutes that passed. All he could do was shake his head, scenarios of what this could mean flashing through his mind.

Soon after they arrived Octavia stormed in, Indra hot on her heels. “Bellamy, what the hell is going on? I was told I had to-“

“You weren’t at the meeting. Heda specified that all of you should be here,” Gaia explained and there was no hiding her nervous discomfort as much as she tried.

“What else did she say?” Bellamy asked, his dread growing. 

There was no way Clarke would bring Madi into her argument with Raven, he tried to remind himself. If anything she’d hide that there was any friction from her. This had to be about something else. Maybe this had nothing to do with Clarke. Was something off with their plan? No, that didn’t make sense. They’d made their announcement early and alone; Madi must know something is wrong. This had to be at least somewhat Clarke related. Maybe Madi had a suspicion? Maybe Clarke had really gotten sick? Maybe, maybe, maybe-

Echo laid a hand on his back, trying to calm him. “Is this about last night?”

Emori, picking up that something was seriously wrong, asked slowly, “What happened last night?”

There was a healthy pause as everyone took turns looking at everyone else, Raven not participating, all eyes eventually falling on him.

“Clarke and Raven had a bad fight.”

Emori said even slower, “Bad enough that Madi wants to… What did you say?” she directed towards Raven.

“That’s not what this is about,” Bellamy said in time with Raven’s, “Nothing that wasn’t true.”

He groaned. “More like the worst things she could think of. That’s why I’ve been trying to find Clarke. She could be upset, which could be making her sick, and I- we need to find her.” After he said it out loud Bellamy damned himself for being terrible at hiding things from their family.

“She could be sick? And she’s hiding from-” Murphy was the only one who had seen Clarke bleeding - who had seen her in the lab - and it showed. “We’ll talk to Madi later. We’ve got to go.”

Bellamy gave a sharp nod of appreciative agreement, the support digging him out of his crippling worry. 

They didn’t make it far, Indra blocking their exit. “I’m sorry. The Commander gave very clear instructions. You are all to stay here.”

“She’s holding us captive?” Murphy rounded on Raven, brows high. “What the hell did you say?”

“Nothing that wasn’t true,” she repeated and Bellamy felt that pressure begin in his chest again. There was no way this didn’t have to do with Clarke. Madi wouldn’t do something like this to them for anything less. And yet Raven was sticking to her guns. “I tried to console her about Abby, and tell her how much I wanted things to be alright between us, and she shut me down. She told me she wasn’t sorry about anything she’s done. She doesn’t care.”

“Bullshit,” Miller said before Raven was done speaking and before Bellamy got the chance to. “What did you say to her, Raven?”

“All I said was-”

“She said Clarke liked playing god.” Madi walked through the doorway, voice nearly unrecognizable. Bellamy wasn’t sure what everyone else’s reactions were; all he could see was the harshness that had transformed her sweet face from the dignified young lady she’d been in front of the crowd to something nearly feral. “That everything bad that’s ever happened to you has been her fault. That Clarke kills everything she-“

“Madi, it’s not what-“ Bellamy began but she cut him off with a look that had him taking a half-step back. Her voice was hard with compressed emotions but she couldn’t hide what lay beneath her eyes. Madi was furious; an otherworldly anger he was astounded by.

“She said Clarke kills everything she touches; the whole world ended because of her. Just her. She’s a monster for hurting and killing so many innocent people, as if she didn’t do that to protect you. She said Clarke was wrong for trying to stop you all from sending me to die. She should suffer more than she already is because she deserves it. That-”

What the hell? Bellamy knew they’d been arguing before he got there, and he’d had trouble focusing through his ‘episode’ - or whatever it was - but if that was true Raven had gone much, much further past the line than Bellamy had realized.

“Whatever Clarke told you-” Raven started to say before shutting up when Madi cast her a look that had to be similar to the one Bellamy received given her sudden pallor. 

“I am Heda and you are standing in the middle of my kru. Do not interrupt me again.

“Plus, Clarke didn’t have to tell me a thing. I heard you. I was right there,” Madi pointed to the garage doorway and Bellamy had to brace himself on the table, “and I heard every word. So I heard about how none of you have actually forgiven her, only pretended to in order to get her to do what you want. You only brought her here because you think she’s good at manipulating people. You’ve spent time with her because Bellamy told you she’s sick and you’ve been acting like you were her friends so you could make sure she didn’t die before you were done using her. I know that when you were finished sucking her dry you’d abandon her again. I heard everything that was said. And what wasn’t said.”

“Mads,” Murphy said gently, using the nickname Bellamy had noticed he’d recently dubbed her with, “you gotta know that’s not the case. I mean-”

“Gaia and Indra, as my Fleimkepa and advisor, you will be allowed to continue to speak to me but strictly on Wonkru business. Disobedience in this will result in consequences. Octavia, as you’re familiar with Wonkru fighting styles you will continue to train me. One wrong word and you’ll be replaced by Diyoza, and banned from entering the forest, because I say so. As for the rest of you, moving forward you will have someone else deliver any news on Wonkru that Clarke and I need to hear and that will be the extent of your communication with us. I don't want to see your faces. When we enter a room, you will leave it. I’m allowing Raven to stay because she's useful, for now. If she was slightly less she’d already be outside of the radiation fence. The rest of you? Give me a good excuse and I’ll throw you into it. That includes you, Bellamy.”

"You can't mean that. Raven and Clarke had a really, really bad argument, but they've-"  
She spun on him and Bellamy barely withstood the strength of her silent rage. “Where is this coming from? I didn't say a word against Clarke. I never would. You know that. I tried to-”

"You didn't say a word for her either. That bitch," Madi spit out the word and Bellamy would note her cursing if he wasn't so shocked and becoming more quickly breathless than before at the moment, "said the most horrible, hurtful things she could think of, and you stood there. You just stood there and let her.”

"I told her to stop. I was trying to deescalate the fight. We’re a family and we need to work things out no matter how hard that is. I can't meditate if I'm clearly on one side and I need to fix things between everyone. We have too much on the line. I knew once all of us cooled off we could talk about it without making things worse. I tried to find Clarke to tell her-“ he rushed.

"I don't want to hear your excuses. Clarke and I would have killed someone for talking to you like that." Bellamy did not miss Madi's use of the past tense. "I thought you cared about us the way we cared about you but we were wrong."

"No, no, Madi, you have to…”

Echo quickly came to the rescue when he lost the ability to speak. “No one gave Raven the right to say things like that on everyone else’s behalf. You’re one of us; you’re a part of our family. We all want-”

“You’re not my family. You’re not even my friends.” Madi’s nose curled in disgust. “You’re Spacekru. It’s a matter of ‘when’ not ‘if’ you’ll betray me. That’s all I know about you with any certainty. You’ve shown that whatever one of you does, the rest follows. What one of you says the rest believes. Raven made it clear where you stand.”

“That’s not true,” Emori assured, moving closer until Murphy caught her arm, reading the current sincerity of Madi’s threats. “We care about-“

“Spacekru above anyone. And I care about Clarke. You keep taking care of your family and I'll take care of mine.”

“Our family,” Bellamy said through his escalating alarm. “We're not on separate sides-”

“We're not on one either. You can say you care about us all you want but your actions show that when push comes to shove we’re not one of you. You’ll always put each other first, so we need to do the same. None of you can be trusted.”

“Please, believe me, I-”

“You promised me you would take care of Clarke. You promised her you’d protect me. Go ahead and ask me again to believe anything you say. I dare you.”

Bellamy felt sweat begin to form on his brow and could feel the pressure on his lungs as they caved. This wasn’t happening. This could not be really happening.

“We’re not Spacekru,” Jackson pointed out, sounding a tad desperate. He pointed at the members of the bunker. Bellamy would judge him for trying to jump ship if he thought he wouldn’t do the same thing in his place. “We’re Wonkru; we’re your people. Clarke is my friend and I would never-”

“This is the company you keep. You’re one of them like Clarke will never be, and before you were Wonkru you were Skaikru; at one point or another you used her, or neglected her, or betrayed her, or blamed her. That’s all you people know how to do. I’m not wasting any more time explaining myself to backstabbing cowards. Deal with the day-to-day messes you've made here. Clarke and I will take care of the rest. Stay out of our way.”

“Madi, wait, please, wait-” 

“Where is Clarke? We need to-”

“Mads, hold up, let’s talk about-”

“Tell Clarke that Raven doesn’t-”

“I would never say those things-”

“Please, Heda, let us explain-”

“We can explain, it’s not what you-”

Everyone said at once to her back as Madi walked the short distance to the door, shutting up when she held up a hand for silence. To Indra, she said, “They are not to be released until I’m far enough away that I don’t need to worry about them chasing after me to whine. If one of them does come after me… Well, if they get through you, I won’t have that problem with Diyoza and they won’t be able to walk away after. Understood?”

“Yes, Heda.” Indra dipped her head in obedience but Bellamy could see how tightly her hands were clenched.

Last-minute, she half-turned in the doorway. “By the way, Bellamy, I told Clarke everything. You were right. You should be held accountable. It’s only fair when Clarke is held accountable for everything that happened, whether it was her fault or not. If you’re not willing to protect her from that, I’m not willing to protect you.”

With those final words, Madi departed. Bellamy barely fought the urge to go after her despite her order. He might be able to fight his way past Indra but that wasn’t what held him in place.

He’d thought it, how many times? Madi was a little Clarke. That meant she was fiercely, mercilessly protective of her loved ones. She’d heard Clarke come under fire and now she was on a warpath. As devastated as he was, he couldn’t claim to be surprised.

However, as mad as Clarke had ever been at him, it didn’t compare to the look in Madi’s eyes. In her eyes - a different shade of blue than Clarke’s but reflecting her in so many ways - he saw a real hatred he didn’t recognize.

Clarke always forgave him, just like he’d always forgive her. Always. He knew, in his heart, that no matter what Clarke did to him eventually they’d find their way. But Madi… Bellamy felt a deep bond with Madi. He cared about her in a way it had taken years for anyone else to achieve, other than Octavia out of blood and Clarke out of… Being Clarke. That said, it was only now dawning on him that she might not feel the same way.

And Madi feeling like he’d wronged Clarke- He wasn’t sure if there was a way to come back from that. The two of them… They not only loved ferociously; what they’d been through had created a near-fanatical devotion. 

He recalled Clarke strapped down, hyperventilating and sobbing, revealing the true story of their lives in Shallow Valley. Madi had seen Clarke starve herself to feed her. She was old enough to recognize the game Clark had created of dreaming of lives they’d never have as an empty gesture made to keep hopelessness at bay. She knew Clarke had turned a history filled with so much misery into children’s stories to fight off Madi’s loneliness, painting them as heroes. That was why Madi had trusted and cared for him when he’d done nothing to earn it himself. When Madi was in danger - danger they had put her in - she had seen Clarke willing to do literally anything to keep her safe. She’d start a war if it meant Madi didn’t have to fight in it.

Before knowing any of that seeing the two of them together had already moved him. He didn’t know how to explain how he felt after. He cared about them and knowing what they’d been through, his desire to keep them safe and make them happy had become a driving force in his life. They’d gone through so much. He’d give anything for them. They deserved nothing less. 

Now Madi interpreted his actions - trying to deescalate the fight - as hurting Clarke. Knowing Clarke enough to know Madi well, he was worse than dead to her. He was the enemy. Unlike her mother, he didn’t know if he could come back from that.

“What have you done?” Gaia seethed, stepping from her post at the garage door where her Commander had ordered her to keep them prisoner so she could get away. “How could you do this to her? She thinks she can’t trust anyone now, thanks to you.”

“I didn’t know she was there,” Raven said mulishly.

“Oh, that makes it ok then,” Emori nodded. “I’m sure if we tell her you didn’t mean for her to hear you ripping her mother to pieces she’ll get over it right away. Of course, we’ll need her to stop wanting to kill us long enough to do that.”

“Yeah, that’s gonna be a problem,” Murphy drawled, tapping his knuckles on the table in thought. “She’s Clarke’s kid so you know she has the balls to back up whatever she’s saying if it comes down to it, and you two-“ Murphy pointed back and forth between he and Gaia, “Felt like it was a good idea to make her a god. So. I can’t imagine we’re in for a good time.”

“If she’d been able to have proper training and preparation things would be different.” Gaia cast Bellamy a dark look, passive-aggressively calling him out for rushing Madi. “She would be above such things and she’d still have-”

“Hey, Bellamy wasn’t the only one who wanted Madi to take the Flame. You’re as much at fault as he is,” Echo defended.

That quickly Gaia’s fight went out of her. “You’re not wrong. My only job was to keep it - no, her - safe, but in the end, it was only Clarke putting a gun to her head that even gave us the chance to. I dedicated my whole life to a task and failed.”

“No.” Bellamy was admittedly spiraling internally but had heard a part of that distinctly, hard to miss no matter his mental state. “No way. Clarke would never pull a gun on Madi, no matter the reason. She’d never-”

“Not her head.” Indra clarified, not quite joining them but close enough for her commanding presence to be felt. “When Sheidheda demanded we kneel Clarke was the only one who obeyed. But she put a gun to her temple while she did it.”

The attack of his senses subsided at those words, vanishing in the laser-focus of his horror. He hadn’t even considered that’s what Gaia had meant. She wouldn’t. She couldn’t. “She’d never. Tell me she didn’t really…”

“I believe she said something along the lines of that she’d lost her mother and couldn’t bear to lose her daughter as well. She was truly going to pull the trigger; anyone could see that. Madi - impossibly - fought back Sheidheda seeing that. That’s how much she loves Clarke. No more than a child, she took on the demon already in complete control of her mind, and won. It was in his rage for being bested that Sheidheda tried to take her life. It’s no wonder to me that her reaction now is a bit… extreme.”

“I thought she was bluffing.” Jackson’s voice shook. “I was at the back of the crowd behind her and I’ve seen her pretend before and… I thought she was bluffing.”

“You knew?” Miller asked in outrage and Jackson couldn’t look at him as he gave the slightest nod. The whole room seemed to be holding its breath, their friends stunned.

“I thought she was bluffing,” he whispered brokenly, barely loud enough to be heard.

“Raven was right there. You saw her face, same as us. What’s your excuse?” Gaia asked, her tone snidely sweet.

Every gaze turned towards Raven, her arms crossed and eyes dedicated to studying the table between them. “I thought she was bluffing too,” she said, without the complete surety of Jackson’s admission.

Bellamy felt something new looking at Raven in that moment. It took him a beat to identify it, so unlike anything he’d associated with his family before. Disgust. He was disgusted by her.

“It’s awful what happened to Madi, and to Clarke,” Echo said into the tense silence. “If we could go back, maybe we could find another way. As it was, we only survived because Madi took the Flame, herself included. It’s not Bellamy’s fault; we were out of options. And Sheidheda wasn’t a possibility we even knew about. You did, Gaia, and you wanted her to take it too. It was what happened afterward that let him in, not taking it to save our people. We did-”

“I wonder if it helps Madi sleep at night,” Octavia spit out bitterly, “that you didn’t stop to think if there were any side effects of giving a little girl the Flame.”

“She only needed to because of you,” Miller said with equal hostility. “You’re why we needed to go to war at all. This is all your fault.”

Octavia’s hands flexed against the table’s edge but she did not flinch. “You think I don’t know that? I’m why Madi is suffering, not Bellamy. I’m why the world ended, not Clarke. I’m why Bellamy went into the fighting pit, not Clarke. I’m why our people were massacred, not Clarke. Bellamy, you’re the one who told me there were things that shouldn’t be forgiven, but are, because we did them for our people. I know I’m past that point; I don’t deserve forgiveness. Clarke still does. She and Madi deserve our protection and support for what we - what I - did to them. Instead, they get this shit.” She flicked a hand towards Raven, sneering even with tears in her eyes, her husky voice steady even as her lips shook. “This is how you show your gratitude for what they’ve done to keep us all alive.”

No one knew what to say to that. She wasn’t wrong. However, it was hard to admit to her face she was right when she was standing there, pouring out her self-loathing and raw, deep guilt for them all to see and judge her for. Bellamy wanted to go to her, to hug her, but he knew Octavia would not appreciate the gesture in front of an audience.

“I’m the one who actually put Bellamy into the pit,” Miller said slowly, gaze still begrudging but slightly less hateful as he stared at the profile of Octavia’s agonized face. “I led our people into the gorge and wanted to do it again, on my own. Thankfully no one would listen to me.”

“We all feel bad about things,” Raven said to Octavia, unfortunately recovering from her speechlessness. “And yeah, you should especially, but just because you did awful things doesn’t erase the fact that Clarke did too. Just because you actually did it doesn’t mean she wasn’t why you had to put Bellamy in the fighting pit, after all her big speeches about caring about us and doing anything to save our people. You would have won the war if Clarke hadn’t betrayed us to McCreary; Shaw and I wouldn’t have been tortured. So you’ve done horrible things to save your people; how many times has Clarke been the one we’ve needed saving from?”

“Give it a rest,” Murphy said, having the audacity to sound bored. When Bellamy shot him a sharp glance it was clear that it was no more than a front. “Bellamy got himself in there. He was stupid enough to poorly poison his sister - no offense man - and while I’m a big fan of him being alive, Clarke’s choices were saving a grown man from the consequences of his own decisions or her kid. Yeah, maybe she took it a bit too far, but that’s Clarke for you. Let’s be honest; we’ve all screwed each other over at one point or another. I’ve hurt you more than anyone,” Murphy couldn’t seem to help but let some real emotion slip through on that point, the friendship he developed with Raven something Bellamy was continuously surprised by, “and we got past it. Hell, Miller here held a gun to my head while Jackson helped try to use my girlfriend as a guinea pig. Do you see us being babies about it?” Murphy held out a closed fist without taking his eyes off of Raven, and Miller, similarly fixated, bumped it. “No, you do not. In fact, Emori and I’s first date she robbed me and left me in the desert to die. These things happen. Nobody’s perfect. 

“And I gotta say, I had to do a rundown of Clarke’s antics when I was on the Josephine evil-train: her in Mount Weather, the City of Light, staying behind so we could live. Even that crazy, sociopathic bitch said she was awesome. She’s done plenty of shitty things, some I don’t know if I can ever really get over, but she was trying to help people when she did them. That’s worth something. Also, sure, I have been the first to jump on the ‘it’s easy to blame Clarke so why the hell not’ bandwagon but I’m starting to think that perhaps it is a tad unfair everyone else gets credit when they try to clean up their act and she doesn’t.”

“You might be fine with her trying to cook Emori alive but I-”

“Is that seriously all you took away from that?” Murphy gave a disbelieving scoff. “Selective hearing much?”

“John’s not the one Clarke needs to earn forgiveness from when it comes to what happened in Becca’s lab. I know he cares but that’s my right more than anyone.” Emori interjected before Raven could move along to whatever stupid argument she was going to make next. “To be clear: she has it. I don’t appreciate the being treated like a science experiment part, but when it came down to it - when she took the syringe from Abby, and I was right there, and she was right there, and the needle was headed for my arm - Clarke chose to put her life at risk instead of mine. She would have gone into that radiation chamber in my place if Abby hadn’t wrecked it. I feel like that’s a kind of important part that always somehow seems to get skipped over. When it’s all said and done, Clarke saved me, even after I got that innocent man killed to save my own ass. What did you do Raven? Or Miller, or Jackson, or- I’m just saying, that whole ordeal was a team effort. Then she saved me with the hazmat suit. And Echo, for that matter, with the spare suit. It goes without saying that she sacrificed herself to get the comms tower working so we could live after we left her to die. I agree with John that Clarke’s not getting the fair end of the stick here when it comes to our ability to forgive each other but not her.”

“I’m glad she did those things. I’m grateful to her for keeping us alive. That still doesn’t erase the people she’s killed. She’s the Commander of Death, a mass murderer, and we-”

“How am I not?” Bellamy asked, voice rough. He’d watched them volley back and forth and knew they were all things that needed to be said but it was his turn. “We’re friends. You got past my body count just fine. In Mount Weather my hand was on that lever too.”

“She was the one-”

Bellamy was not about to let her sweep his point under the rug. “I slaughtered the army sent to protect us with Pike,” he cast a guilty glance towards Indra only to find that she and Gaia were gone. “I-”

“You didn’t hurt our friends. You didn’t murder Finn when the only reason he was-”

His defense of Clarke got lost in Miller’s yelling. Bellamy couldn’t say who was more surprised when that was the final tipping point for Miller’s barely contained anger to come flooding out, but it was. “Don’t EVER talk about what happened to Finn like that was Clarke’s fault!” Jackson caught Miller across his chest, struggling to keep him from rounding the table to get in Raven’s face, Echo ending up needing to lend a hand as Miller was so dead-set on it. “She saved him from himself as much as she saved him from the Grounders. Don’t you ever blame her for what he did or what she had to do to-”

“Nate, Nate, stop,” Jackson jerked him enough to fully catch his attention and Miller stopped fighting though his cheeks continued to puff like a bull ready to charge.

“Lincoln was a hell of a lot more than my friend and you never seemed to have a problem with the fact you hurt him,” Octavia said lowly, which Raven conveniently seemed to not hear even though everyone else did.

Bellamy couldn’t help but also notice the small, choked noise Miller made, suddenly leaning heavily on the arm Jackson had been using to restrain him.

“At least when Shaw died we were still together. Clarke stole Finn in the split second it took for me to land on the ground to save everyone on the Ark. He was my only family and she-”

“No, no, no,” Bellamy cut that off quickly. “It’s not Clarke’s fault Finn cheated on you. He betrayed you both. She didn’t even know about you and when she did things stopped. When you came to my tent they weren’t ‘together,’ they were kidnapped, in case you’ve forgotten. I know for a fact she didn’t take him back after you two broke up because once you got there she spent most of her time with me, not him. What Finn did wasn’t on her. She cared about him too and it tore her up to-”

“If Clarke felt so bad about Finn how could she move on with Lexa? She never-”

“Yes, because no one could possibly get together with the person who was going to kill someone they loved,” Octavia said dryly, pointing at Echo.

Echo’s defensive, "Hey," was nearly lost under Bellamy’s, “That’s not what this is about.”

“I just think if we’re throwing stones there are plenty of directions they can go in. Not everything needs to be aimed at Clarke, who isn’t even here to defend herself.”

“Octavia’s got a point there,” Murphy said. “While I’m having a swell time bringing up every crappy that’s ever happened, I think Clarke should probably be here to contribute her side-”

“You shouldn’t have to defend her. She hung you. She-”

“Old news,” he began saying before Bellamy overrode him.

“She tried to save him, actually. She publicly confronted him about killing Wells because she really thought he’d murdered her friend in cold blood, but even then, even before Charlotte confessed, she tried to stop the mob from taking him.” Bellamy tugged at his ear. “She begged me to make them stop.”

“You didn’t feel like that was something worth mentioning until now?”

Bellamy shrugged, unsure what else to do, forcing himself to meet Murphy’s angry eyes in his archly calm face. “We didn’t talk back then and afterward… She also stopped me from beating you to death after Charlotte killed herself. I mean, that is why you were banished and the Grounders tortured you but you lived. She should get credit for that too.”

“That’s right.” In the midst of everything going on a corner of Murphy’s mouth ticked upward in amusement. “That was the night I had the honor of being the first person to hold Wanheda at knifepoint. Then when I came back to camp as a biological bomb she gave me the first of my second chances. I totally knew the whole time I was going to get my revenge-kill on, yourself included, so that was dumb on her part but it was a nice gesture. Well-intentioned at the least.”

“You think her intentions are what counts?” Raven continued, but it was clear that she was grasping at straws. Only her stubborn defensiveness and years of unaddressed resentment were keeping her going. “Tell that to the graves of the people-”

“If you must know, after I had my little day-trip to hell, Abby told me that at the end of our lives we won’t be judged by the things we’ve done but why we did them. That was zero comfort to me, obviously, but I think it’s something Clarke could have used hearing. I know how much you cared about Abby- are you really going to brush off her opinion on something like that?”

“She might,” Jackson said before Raven got the chance to respond. “I was there for how Raven treated Abby when she was struggling with her addiction and when she beat it. She was awful to her-“

“She tortured me to make me-”

“Yet you forgave her,” Emori said, referencing Murphy’s earlier point. “Abby wasn’t just the reason you were tortured. She actually, physically, did it herself for her own reasons but she gets a pass. But not Clarke.”

“Abby and I talked it out after; she sincerely felt guilty. Clarke might say she’s sorry all the time but she’s proven again and again she isn’t. You might try to take credit for Mount Weather but we all know it was her. She loves playing god with who lives or dies. She doesn’t care about the casualties in her wake. She’s the one who made the list of who was going to be saved when Praimfya-“

“You’re the one who told her to make that list.” Bellamy officially lost his temper, pointing a hard, accusing finger. “She didn’t want that. You told her it had to be done. She forced herself to so no one else needed to take on that burden. She hated herself for it, so much she didn’t put her own name on the damn thing. Clarke made that list so no one else had to and then she was going to leave herself out in the black rain. I wrote her name in, and I know she only let me because she was aware of the fact that when the rain came I was going to drag her in anyway, whether she wanted me to or not. Then you stood by and let everyone hate her for it.”

“Jesus,” Murphy muttered as everyone shifted uncomfortably at that news.

Raven seemed lost for a beat and needed to clear her throat before saying, “I didn’t know-”

Bellamy couldn’t stand to hear another word out of her mouth. “Don’t say Clarke doesn’t care. She cares more than anyone, and that’s how she can stand to do what she’s done for us. Just because she doesn’t show her pain doesn’t mean it hasn’t been there, from the start. She’s not just ‘stronger’ than anyone; she cares about other people more than she cares about herself more than anyone, yet you throw what she’s been willing to do for us, despite what is costs her, in her face over and over.” Bellamy pushed away from the table and scrubbed at his face. “And I’ve let you. I’ve let you because I didn’t want us to fight amongst ourselves. I wanted to keep the peace and when she let things go I followed her lead. I didn’t think I needed to protect her from you.”

With that Bellamy dropped his hands to the papers before him and flung it all off of the table, the pile and pens going with them and clattering loudly as they fell.

He never protected her. He was never there for her when she needed him. 

He let Raven beat her down because he wanted to fix things so everyone would get along; their family could be at peace. He had stood by and let people hate her as much as Raven had. He kept saying he’d do better by her and then putting the needs of them all as a group over her need to be shown that he cared the way she deserved to be cared about. He ought to be willing to not only rock the boat for her but tip the whole thing over if that’s what it took. She felt like she wasn’t valuable enough to put her life before anyone else’s even though she was the best person he’d ever known. She was going to go out in the rain, she put a goddamn gun to her head, she felt like she was that worthless to them, all because he let it happen. 

“Bellamy.” Echo’s voice cut through the anger and he felt her hand running soothingly on his back as he fought the urge to keep yelling. “I’m sorry. We all should have been kinder to Clarke. I respected her but I didn’t really stop to think about everything she’s done and what it meant. I owe her a huge debt for keeping you alive - all of our family alive - when you could have died so many times before we even met. We’ll find a way to make this right. This time we aren’t going to meaninglessly say we’re her friends.” He heard the light warning in her voice as she looked at Raven. “We’re going to act like it. She might need time but she’ll come around.”

Murphy took his silence as an opportunity to say, “Maybe. We’ve already reached a pretty high count of using ‘oops, sorry for being jerks’ as a get out of jail free card; there has to be a limit on that working eventually. And now with Madi involved?”

“Not helping,” Bellamy heard Echo hiss behind his back.

“I’m not apologizing to her for saying what I think is true.”

Bellamy leveled a long look at Raven that she ended up glancing away from. He saw all of their years on the Ring together. The way she had helped him through his grief and supported him unconditionally as they found a way to begin new lives. He saw all the months before it. All the months after. He cared about Raven. She truly was his family. “I promised you we’d always be family and we will be, but until you find a way to work things out with Clarke, we’re not friends.”

“You’re seriously taking her side?” Raven asked as she had the night before.

There was no question in his mind. “Yes.”

“Wow. I see where your loyalty really lies.”

“So do I. As much as I care about you, I’m not going to let you hurt Clarke. Everyone else here has found a way to make peace with our pasts with her. I’m not going to let you ruin that. I’m not going to let her suffer because you’re bitter. I should have chosen sides from the start.”

“On that note,” Murphy declared with false-cheer and real finality, “the party’s over. We need to find Clarke, pronto.”

“Agreed. We’re starting a search party; everyone, grab a radio.”

“I think I’ll stay here. I can’t cover much ground; my leg has been pretty useless since I was shot,” Raven said, flinging the words at Murphy, whose lips compressed as he continued to pass out the radios. He didn’t rebut her dig or acknowledge the glares Emori and Miller leveled at Raven on his behalf.

“Raven, knock it off,” Bellamy warned. “I mean it. This isn’t the Ring. You push people away and they are going to stay gone.”

“One can only hope.”

Before he could lose his temper again Echo stepped into his line of sight, laying a hand on his chest. “Go ahead,” she whispered. “Find Clarke. I’ll try to talk some sense into Raven.”

Bellamy nodded in gratitude and pressed a kiss to Echo’s lips before directing everyone on where to start their searches. It was a grim party that headed out. Clarke was isolating herself somewhere. They were supposed to be her friends and they’d made her feel like an outcast, again. Bellamy knew he was in good company in swearing to himself that they would never repeat this mistake. He would make it right. They just had to find her first.

“I’ve got eyes on Clarke,” Emori said through his radio less than twenty minutes into the search, which surprised him. There were a lot of them looking, but unfortunately he knew very well that when Clarke wanted to stay hidden it was no easy thing to find her. “Azgeda camp. Main hearth.”

Not giving himself time to wonder at what a strange location that was, Bellamy took off. When he got there Emori was leaning against a nearby building and she subtly pointed out where Clarke sat, her sketchbook in hand.

“I thought I should wait until you-“

His sight had narrowed to Clarke’s form, alone around the empty mid-day hearth, and he distractedly thanked Emori.

Bellamy wasn’t sure how this was going to go but if his gut was to be believed, it wasn’t going to be a walk in the park. Sucking in a fortifying breath, he blew it out and took the first step and then another.

“Hey princess,” he said carefully as he drew near, testing out the waters. “I’ve been looking for you.”

“Don’t.”

“Don’t…”

Clarke sounded vaguely annoyed, which he chose to take as a good sign. Better than the fury he’d gotten from Madi. “Don’t call me that ever again.” 

Ok. Not a good sign. “Clarke-“

“Don’t call me that either.”

Bellamy’s mouth moved wordlessly, wishing he didn’t have to ask. He began circling where she sat, trying to catch a glimpse of her face as she continued to draw without glancing up. “What would you like me to call you?”

“I want you to never speak to me again. If you can’t manage that, Wanheda will do.”

“Clarke, I get how upset you must be. You have every right. Please let me-“

“I said don’t.” She still wasn’t looking at him, focused on her notepad. “We have to start calling each other by our real names; using our old ones only confuses things. You see,” her voice remained even but he’d moved close enough to make out her expression and the slight, tentative hope he’d felt transformed into real fear, “you left Clarke Griffin to die, and she did, alone in a desert. Bellamy Blake didn’t make it off the Ring. The Commander of Death and the Selfish, Cowardly Jackass are all that’s left.

Whoa. Ouch. He knew he deserved that. He hated himself for leaving her behind. However, Clarke had never thrown it in his face before. That was a very, very bad sign.

"I'm sorry about leaving you, and what happened with Raven. I should have stopped her. I’m sorry I told them about you being sick but they needed to know. It was after what happened in the woods and I was worried- You know how important you are to me- I should have told her-”

“Stop. This game has gotten old and I don’t want to play anymore. Madi and I will fix Wonkru. The theatrics aren’t necessary.”

"We need to talk this out. Please. I’m sorry and you deserve so much better from me. From all of us. We know that. Plus, you know how dangerous things are now. The stakes are too high for us to be at odds,” he appealed to her analytical brain, throwing out anything that might help. “Please let me fix this. I messed up. I should have stopped Raven. She was completely in the wrong. Everything she said was untrue and if you’ll let me-”

“No."

Bellamy raked his hands through his hair, a stressful habit he hadn't realized he'd picked up but one likely to make him bald sooner rather than later. They were back to where they'd been at the beginning. She wouldn't listen to him; wouldn't let him tell her how sorry he was and his reasoning. "We've gotten so far toward being where we need to be. To us being who we are supposed to be. I'm sorry for messing it up. It won't happen again, I promise. I should have picked your side the moment I heard what she was saying. I should have stopped-”

"I'm not leaving for now. I'm going to fix Wonkru. Take it as a win and leave it at that."

"There's no way-"

"The correct response is 'thank you.’ If you’re smart that’s all you’ll say before you walk away and stay away. We don’t need you to make this work."

She still wasn’t looking at him. Bellamy’s hands took turns splaying out and clenching at his sides as he fought his urge to touch her, knowing it wouldn’t be welcome. He knew she was upset and he wanted to comfort her and assure that everything was going to be different now. They’d finally - after so many years of being assholes, finally - learned their lesson. But she was closing him off. He wanted her to see how much he meant what he was saying. But she wouldn’t even look at him.

“Clarke, I know I let you down but we’ve always needed each-”

“I. Don’t. Need. You. We don’t need you.”

“Don’t say that. We’re a team and-”

“That’s the past. Now it’s Madi and I. You have plenty of replacements. You’ll be fine,” she said offhandedly, her tone wounding him as much as her words.

“No one can replace you; either of you. Please hear me out. I was wrong last night and I’m so sorry. I’ll always need you. I should never have given you a reason to doubt it. Please don’t-”

“Why not? You said you didn’t need me anymore first. Sure, you want my help for now. When this is all done? You won’t need me for anything at all.”

“That was during the Red Sun. I didn’t mean it. Be honest, Clarke. You know I didn’t mean that; I would never say that.”

“I said don’t call me that. Even if you hadn’t said it out loud, you sure showed it. You - badly - tried to build Wonkru without me. You made a family without me. How do you think Josephine knew an EMP would kill me? I was ready to fight her all night every night until I could find a way back and then she showed me you making the deal with Russel. You’d forgive and forget what they did to me - what Russel did to me, that Josephine had stolen and was using my body. When she told me I didn’t believe her. I said you’d never do that. But you did.” 

Everything she said fell flat, emotionless, as if she wasn’t aware she was skinning him alive with her words.

“I only did that to save our people, like you would have wanted. I never-”

“Of course you did. I’m not saying it was the wrong call. I was proud of you. Josephine kindly pointed out sacrificing myself was the best thing I could do for you. You clearly had things under control; you didn’t ‘need me’ anymore. You all were better off without me, so I gave up, for the first time. I finally stopped fighting to live. I gave her the memory of getting A.L.I.E out of Raven’s head. The only reason I ended up changing my mind was because… If I hadn’t you’d have gotten this place without bloodshed. All you ‘needed’ from me was to die. Sorry I let all of you down, again, and for the inconvenience.”

Bellamy fought to speak around where his heart was lodged in his throat, choking him. He felt all of the blood in his body churning, his heartbeat deafening. “Don’t say that. You can’t say that to me. I would have- That’s not- That’s not what happened. I would never- I was never going to forgive or forget what they did to you. I could never- I thought you were already gone. I fought my- I thought I was doing what you would have wanted because I wanted to do right by you. Use my head over my heart. I wanted to protect our people like you would have. The second I knew you were in there I gave up our alliance, I risked our people, to get you back.”

“Again, so sorry.”

“Don’t say that! Don’t ever say- Clarke, I do need you. I did everything I could when I knew I could get you back. I would have done more. I would have done anything. You can’t really think I’d give you up. When you- When- God, I still can’t- When they thought you were- at Gabriel’s, I knew you weren’t gone. There was no way. There was no way in hell I was going to lose you again. I demanded that you come back to me, because I need you, and you did because you know it’s true. Saying I wish you were dead is... I don’t even know how to... Clarke, that’s so…”

“What, are you struggling to find the words? It was hard for me to talk while you were strangling me. Is it kind of like that?”

He paused, jaw clenched as he searched for a way to respond to that. 

There were no such thing as good or bad signs in this argument. This wasn’t even a fight, not really. Clarke was simply out for blood. She was casually taking all the dirty shots she could, and what were his options? He could walk away, making her feel like he was abandoning her again, which Madi made painfully clear was a part of the problem. He could fire back, which wasn’t going to happen, especially because it was apparent she was more hurt than he’d ever seen her before. Nothing else could bring this out in her. Barely able to comprehend that line of thought in his wounded daze, Bellamy knew there was nothing he could do but try his best to protect his vital organs and defend himself without swinging back.

“That was during- Jackson almost killed Miller, Emori almost killed Murphy... You stabbed me and I would never hold that against you because we-”

“I stabbed you to save Murphy, like Murphy gave a warning shot to save me from you, and like he tried to stop you while you were killing me. He’s the only reason you didn’t murder me before the Primes were even in the picture.”  
  
“You know damn well I’d never hurt you in my right mind and Murphy’s immune to-”

“No, actually, he’s not. He can manage not to kill his friends all by himself. The Red Sun only amplifies what’s there. I see all the people I murdered and they want me dead. You? You saw strangling me to death. And you know what I saw when it was all over? The most important part? I saw Emori apologize to Murphy; I saw her regret it.”

“Of course I regret it. I would give anything to take that back. You know the Red Sun doesn’t actually work that way. Gabriel’s been studying it for generations and he says it doesn’t work that way. I only- you were who was closest. I can’t even- I didn’t say something after because- You have to understand- Even now I can’t-”

“Pretend to be sorry?”

“Goddammit Clarke! Even now I can’t think about it without wanting to throw up. I can’t stand I said and did that to you. That I put my hands on you like that. I can’t- Can’t handle that I touched you like- That I hurt you. I can’t- I thought it was one of those things we didn’t have to talk about how much we hated ourselves for doing. Like Polis. You didn’t need to bring it up or apologize for-”

She chuckled coldly. “If I hear one more word about the fighting pit... You’re right: I didn’t need to apologize. I’ve said I’m sorry over and over and I meant it from the bottom of my heart. You know what? I’m not sorry anymore.”

He was more relieved than he ever thought possible hearing her say that. It wasn’t until that moment - with Clarke being so unfeeling towards him - that he realized it wasn't the fighting pit itself that had been hard to get over; it was thinking she didn’t care about whether he lived or died. That was why the second Madi had told him about the radio calls things changed. Knowing she cared and had missed him almost as much as he had missed her easily overshadowed everything else. But how did he explain that to her? Even more so, to the others? He hadn’t even dived into those emotions himself. She was right. He was a coward. He hadn’t even tried.

“You’re right, you shouldn’t feel bad. I-“

"I should never have apologized and I should have stopped trusting you, especially with my daughter, the day you put the Flame in her. I begged you, and screamed, and tore my wrists bloody trying to get loose to save Madi from you,” she told him, still nothing but distant, totally unlike the Clarke he knew, drawing. “You promised me you’d keep her safe and now I find out you manipulated her into taking it. You’ve ruined her life, forever, and then I let you act like you actually care about her. Your own choices got you in that pit, and for once saving you wasn’t my first priority. I was too busy saving my child from what you’d done to her.”

“I’m sorry Clarke. You’re right. I’m so sorry and- I don’t blame you at all. I’m so sorry about Madi and-” The water in his eyes began to swell as his heart stuttered out of its shock and accepted that this whole conversation was really happening. He had upset the collection, kind woman he’d always known to the point that she wanted to use him as an emotional punching bag and he was going to stand there and take it because it was the least he owed her.

“You keep telling me you’ll keep Madi safe; you’re not going to let anything bad happen. I don’t know how you can’t see that you’re the worst thing that’s ever happened to her. What you did was worse than forcibly holding her down to shove the Flame into her. She felt helpless to stop it like I felt helpless to stop Russel. You say you’re going to make things better for her? She can’t stop hearing you tell her that her mother, and all of our people, were going to die because of her. She’s a little girl. She was scared and wanted to go home, and you told her she’d never see it again if she didn’t do what you wanted.”

“Clarke,” he choked out but there was nothing else he could manage, his tears escaping. No. God, no. He started feeling that sharp pressure overwhelm him, the frenzied and uneven beating of his heart, and the choppy gasps of breath trying to steal his attention away. 

The mental image of holding Madi down… He couldn’t even finish the thought, desperately trying to scrub it from his brain. For the shamefully first time he fully stepped back from everything that had happened and saw how beneath the brave front he’d seen in the moment, she was the kid he knew now, who had been terrified and wanted her mom and to hide from all the horrible things happening around her in the safety of her home. He hadn’t thought… He hadn’t really meant… He hadn’t realized that he was holding those things over her head. All he’d seen was what needed to be done to keep them all alive. He hadn’t thought about… And then comparing what he did to Madi to what Russel did to Clarke… Bellamy rubbed his chest, in real physical pain. So much for protecting his vital organs.

“You’ve shown me who you’ve become, more than once, and somehow I keep not believing it. All of you have. I’ve looked at you and wanted to see my Bellamy but now I know you’re a stranger wearing his face. Hearing what you’ve done has made it very clear that you’re not the man I used to know; you’re the kind of man who promised to protect my daughter and betrayed me. Who put Raven, Echo, Murphy- You put Spacekru’s safety before mine and Madi’s. The minute we couldn’t protect ourselves all of you put each other first and you’ll do it again.”

“I would never. I never meant… I never wanted to hurt you. Either of you. I care about you both, more than any-”

“I could not possibly care less about what you meant to do. We are going to spend the rest of our lives paying the price for your actions.”

“Clarke… Please, please let me- All I want-"

"What you want is not my problem anymore. All of my focus needs to be on her. Madi is under so much pressure, she has no friends and she spends everyday training and learning politics. Her childhood is over before it even started. Because of you. She is never going to trust anyone again because of all of you. She's going to be lonely, her entire life, just like me, and it's your fault. I can't fix the part of her heart you broke. Letting you all use and abuse me is one thing, but her?" Clarke paused drawing long enough to shake her head before continuing. "I wish you’d never found a way back to Earth. I wish you were all trapped on the Ring where none of you could hurt her. After everything I did to keep you all alive, I wish you would have really died up there, instead of just the people you used to be. Madi and I would have struggled, but we’d be happy. Your family stole that from us. It was all that we had and you destroyed it, forever. Madi will never stop being Heda and I will never stop hating you for it.”

Bellamy barely kept his footing, feeling her words hit him so much harder than the slap she'd rightfully given him. He managed to work out through wheezing breaths, “I never meant... I'm so sorry. I did that to save us. I did it to save you... Save us all. I didn’t know what else to do... I love Madi. I never wanted to…”

“Don’t. Don’t you dare say you love her." A fraction of emotion entered Clarke's voice and she took a breath before continuing, deadpan again. “You can’t. How would you feel if someone did to Octavia what you did to Madi? Especially at her age, no matter the motivation or outcome?"

Bellamy could only pant, shaking his head. He knew. She knew. He was so ashamed. He felt awful about what he'd done to Madi and had for a long time. That said, the perspective Clarke was putting it in… He wouldn't have hit who did that to her. He would have killed them. If someone did that to Madi now he would.

"That's what I thought. You'd never let it happen to your family but mine's fair game."

“That's not- We are family. You and Madi are my family. I love-”

“No, we’re not. Once upon a time that could have been true but that time has passed. You listed off who your family was to me and we weren’t on it. I should have paid attention. All of your family supported and justified what you did to my child.”

“Clarke.”

“We’re done here. Leave us alone.”

“I've left you alone enough..." He tried to catch his breath. "For a lifetime. And, no, we are not. We’re never going to be done. We can't. I’m not losing you again. I can't take losing you again."

“You don't have a choice. You'll be fine. After all, me calling you all those years was 'pathetic', right? I’ll never make the same mistake of missing you again and clearly that wasn’t a problem for you-”

"No, no," he tried to say with vehemence but it came out more of a harsh bark. 

He hadn't meant it like that. It had been a joke. How could she not see that? It had been- He’d recognized that the level of pained longing he'd felt to have been able to hear those calls when Madi told him about them was pathetic. In the Sanctum school, he'd been trying to ease both his and her vulnerable awkwardness, his mind grasping for anything to say and given his own feelings, it had been the first thing that had come to mind. It was exactly like when Clarke asked if he was mad at her for leaving him behind. He’d hadn’t known how to respond, especially in a hall full of people listening, and searching for the answer the fact his perception-changing conversation had been with Madi prompted him on the spot to go with ‘the Commander ordered him not to.’ Like in the Rover, years ago, when he said she’d ‘made the right choice not shooting him.’ 

He’d always done that. She always liked his stupid little jokes when things got tense or they were stressed or if either of them were at a loss for words. At least he thought she had. She always seemed to smile, sincerely, even if only a bit, when he’d made them. He'd just wanted to make her smile. He never would have said that if he'd thought for a moment she would believe he meant it. “Clarke-”

“The truth hurts. Get over pretending things aren’t what they are. I’ve had to.”

"Please. I'm so sorry. I should have... stopped Raven. I need you to..."

“I said I'd stay here to fix things and I will. Thanks to you, Madi will always be in danger. I'd rather she not die like every other Commander - brutally and young - so you yet again get to benefit from me taking on the thankless burden of handling everything by myself. For now. But do not forget that this is not for you. I’ve learned my lesson. I would have kept trying to help you jackasses until something killed me; killed me enough to stay dead, inevitably. That’s over.”

“I never wanted you to… You’re my best friend. I can’t… Lose you. Please, let me-”

“Like I said; the correct response is ‘thank you,’ and then leaving me alone,” Clarke said all of this, still not looking at him. It wasn't like she couldn't. It was coming off as why would she bother. Her blank mask cracked at the corners of her lips as they curled upward in a vague, wry grin. "You all have a real gratitude problem, you know that?"

She blew the excess charcoal off of her work and then ripped the page out of the notebook.

“And don’t ever call yourself my best friend again,” she told him as she stood gracefully. “My best friend died a long time ago. He’s the reason I didn’t try to pack up Madi and leave this morning. You’re not half the man he was.”

Clarke didn’t so much as glance at him as she roughly pressed the page into his chest when she strode past. Knowing it was stupid but unable to stop himself, Bellamy lightly grasped her arm, like holding on to her meant she wasn’t really slipping out of his fingers even though he knew better.

That gentle touch was enough for Clarke to reel on him and shove him, hard. He could have easily withstood the blow but the act of it had him stumbling back.

She finally stared at him head-on, and while it was all that Bellamy had hoped for, it hurt, badly. He knew his ability to sleep at night would be better off if he looked away but he couldn’t. While Madi had been all fiery rage, Clarke’s eyes held only icy wrath. While Madi’s anger was wild and blazing, at least he understood it. How he could get through to Clarke was a mystery. Fires burned low, eventually. Antarctica had stayed cold until the day it was wiped out.

“Do not. Touch me. Ever. Again.” She didn’t even say it with passion. She simply said it, a flat instruction ordering him to do something that seemed so unrealistic: live the rest of his life never again touching Clarke Griffin. No more tending to each other’s wounds, standing close enough to brush against each other to provide unspoken support, or reaching out to place a hand on her to assure himself she was really with him, no more hugging when everything had gone to shit. Which he could really use at the moment.

Then she walked away. He watched her until he couldn’t bear it a second longer, the urge to give chase a strong one, but he knew disrespecting her wishes would earn him no favors and that he needed to be cautious figuring out how to proceed with the frozen, Clarke-shaped sculpture he was working with. Instead, glancing at his own feet, he noticed his hand was still clutching the drawing she’d been working on.

When he pulled the page away to look at it, of course he expected to see his own face. She said her best friend was dead. That he was dead to her; her Bellamy died on the Ring. She wished the version of him standing before her hadn’t survived, after everything they’d been through. The pain he felt recalling those words hit him hard.

It didn’t compare to seeing King Roan of Azgeda staring back at him.

Bellamy thought back to the night Madi had found him in their cabin and told him the story of Roan and Clarke. She said he'd been the best friend she'd ever had. Bellamy - knowing Clarke was his - felt that dagger plunge into his heart. Madi had said that all of them made Clarke feel like she wasn't enough, and Roan was the only one who actually liked and respected her. The dagger twisted. Even when they were on opposing sides he was the only one that never made her feel guilty or like she was a failure. The dagger dug in further. Clarke said he was the first person who didn't want to change her. He was sincerely her friend. The King of Azegda had been a better friend to Clarke than any of them. And that's ultimately what killed him. 

Clarke had been sitting alone, amongst Roan’s people, drawing him. Her best friend. She clearly missed him and wished he was there, as she simultaneously wished they all weren’t, and it wasn't hard to figure out why. Clarke wanted a friend with her that had never disappointed her, used her, betrayed her, or tried to make her hate herself. It wasn’t a big ask and they all failed her.

Turning to head back the way he’d come, Bellamy drew short when he found most of his friends waiting. They’d been right there, likely the whole time, and neither of them had even noticed. She’d been too busy gutting him and he’d been too busy letting her, knowing he’d earned it more and more with every word out of her mouth. Each of them wore varied, strong expressions and he searched each in turn, clueless about what his own must be.

Octavia’s stood out to him, radiating sorrowful disappointment, before she shook her head and took off after Clarke without a word.

Murphy scrubbed at his neck as he watched her go, sharing a speaking glance with Emori, both of them clearly contrite and deeply worried. She caught his hand and began leading him away, Murphy nodding slowly at whatever she was whispering.

Jackson simply looked like the wind had been knocked out of him; like a ship without sails. Miller, meanwhile, was visibly shaking he was so upset, though it was hard to tell if it was out of anger or frustrated grief. Maybe both. He gathered himself enough to wind an arm around Jackson’s back, pulling him close and guiding them as they left.

All of the work he'd put into fixing their relationship was lost, gone in a flare of his stupid, longstanding and blind habit of thinking in terms of ‘all of us’ with Spacekru instead of the ‘you and I’ that he’d once known with Clarke.

At a loss of what else to do, he trudged home in a daze. He knew there was business to attend to but also knew he’d be more hindrance than help in his current state. Wonkru would have to manage on its own for a day. Like Clarke had to handle everything on her own for years.

He dropped to sit at his kitchen table with a groan. All thoughts led to Clarke, and while he at that moment recognized that most had for a while, now they led to how badly he’d treated her. All the things she’d said to him. How she wished he was dead. 

Bellamy continued to fight for an even breath, dropped his elbows to the table to cradle his pounding head in his hands, flicking away the cursed image of Roan when he found he’d been holding it the whole time. He sat that way for a long time until he heard the front door open and shut, and felt Echo rest her hands on his shoulders. 

“Are you alright?”

Bellamy shook his head. He couldn’t explain the level of ‘not alright’ he was so he didn’t bother trying.

“I got Raven mostly cooled off. She’s still too proud to admit she was wrong but I think beneath that she knows she went too far.”

“Thank you,” he grunted, finally leaning back enough to cast her a forced, appreciative smile, “for handling that for me.”

“I’m glad I could help,” Echo murmured, her worry for him written all over her face. “I wish I could fix-” Her eyes briefly flicked past him and she froze for a beat. “What is that?”

Frowning at her startled tone Bellamy followed her gaze to find that Clarke’s drawing had landed face up.

“When I found Clarke she was making that. She gave it to me when she left to let me know I’m not- Not half the man he was.” Bellamy chewed the inside of his cheek to try to keep his composure as he said that. He recalled thinking not long ago that Clarke was going to be the death of him. She’d certainly proven that to be true. After being the person who understood and comforted him the most for so long, she knew exactly which buttons to push. Clarke had gone for his every weak spot and hit each dead-on without exception.

“That’s not true,” Echo assured him, unable to take her eyes off the page as she plucked it up and smoothed it out. “You’re the best person I’ve ever known. If she said that- Well, you should try not to take it to heart; she’s biased. You’re a man capable of holding your own and Roan was always weak when it came to Clarke." Bellamy jerked back at that, scowling, and Echo added placatingly, "Which worked to your advantage. No one else would have gotten away with a tenth of what she did. Skaikru was lucky he was so blind when it came to her.”

"He wasn't blind; he respected her. They were friends.” Bellamy didn’t know why his voice was coming out so aggressively so he didn’t know how to stop it.

"Bellamy, I respect Clarke. If I was there last night Raven would have been shut up, and quickly.”

He believed her and turned away, jaw ticking. He should have defended her as easily as Echo surely would have.

She continued, saying, "Don’t compare yourself to him. I mean it. You caring for Clarke is out of shared history and responsibility. With him? Roan was a king; he was born and raised to rule. He was supposed to be fierce and unwavering and always put Azgeda first, and I think he would have if not for her. It did not look good for him to be constantly compromising with and being led around by a little Skaikru girl. I don't know what it is about her but she can get under people's skins.” Bellamy felt himself bracing to go on the defensive before realizing there was no need to. Echo sounded more bemused than mean-spirited. “All she had to do was say the word and the king of our entire nation would do anything she asked; fight any battle on her behalf. It's not Clarke's 'fault' she was Roan's weakness but she was. His mother, me, his generals, Lexa… Roan listened to no one.” She gazed down at the picture in a trance, running a finger along the side of his drawn face, accidentally smudging it. “Except Clarke. She was special.” Seeming to come back to herself she smiled at him. “She is special, to all of us. I know today was hard for you but at least it’s all out on the table now. In time, everything will work out.”

“You’re right,” Bellamy sighed, saying that more because she had to be right than surety that she was.

She leaned forward and placed a comforting kiss on the crown of his head. “We’re so close to things being the way they’re meant to be. Wonkru will be stable, Madi will be safe,” - Bellamy couldn’t help but flinch at that - "our family will be at peace... You talked about waiting for the right time and it’s almost here.”

Bellamy cast her a quizzical glance and Echo grinned at him with affection.

“I honestly thought it would take longer to get to the point we were ready to start a family but with the way things are going 'the right time' is right around the corner.” Whatever she saw in his face made a slight furrow appear between her brows. “You do still want to have kids?”

He nodded, clearing his throat, the persistent discomfort in his chest stretching. “Yeah. Of course. Of course I do. I didn’t… I didn’t think it would be so soon.” He forced another smile Echo’s way and she returned it easily before leaning in for a soft, lingering kiss.

It was such a mental jolt to try to switch from where his mind had been to where she was at that he felt lost, and more confused than he probably ought to be.

“We’ll talk to Jackson about getting the PCD removed now so we know what to expect. Monty and Harper must have figured out how to by themselves but I can’t imagine it was fun. At least we have a doctor.” She squeezed his shoulder and then left his side, getting ready for bed as he stayed in place.

Bellamy simply nodded. He hadn’t thought that far ahead. He really hadn’t thought much about the reality of it all, actually. It truly had seemed like a distant concept. Echo was right though, he supposed. He did want a family, soon there would be no good excuse not to start one, and they really ought to look into how to make that happen at some point or another. 

The PCD - Population Control Device - was something both men and women of the Ark were implanted with to ensure that only intentional pregnancies took place and usually required a minor medical procedure to remove. He didn’t know much about what it entailed. The only time it had even consciously been on his radar was hearing Abby and Jackson talking about the number of people requesting it during their days in Arkadia, when their people had once thought they were safe and were willing to bring children into the messed-up world they lived in.

It was a part of what made Octavia’s birth such an unlikely miracle. Two people’s PCD’s simultaneously failing was a one-in-a-million chance. No wonder it had created a one-in-a-million sort of person. That line of thought led Bellamy to what his sister had said. He needed to talk to her, soon. He knew she felt bad about what had happened but he supposed he hadn’t realized the extent of it. He also knew she and Clarke had always had a complex relationship but he hadn’t realized the depth of their compassion for one another. Now Clarke had encouraged him to make time for Octavia and his sister had defended Clarke to the others, when until that point she hadn’t spoken much to anyone. Octavia had certainly never brought up their past and the role she’d played. She’d said she didn’t think she was worthy of forgiveness, but that Clarke was.

For the first time, the similarities between the two struck him. They were both two of the strongest, most loving, capable, brave, and selfless people he knew. He supposed it made sense that despite all of the conflicts they'd had over the years they somehow still got along for the most part and understood one another; they were cut from the same extraordinary cloth. It was because of those qualities they’d both done things they hated themselves for to protect their people. He wasn’t over some of the things Octavia had done - being willing to execute Clarke amongst them - as she surely hadn’t entirely forgiven him for nearly killing her or the things he’d said, but he knew with certainty that someday they would get there because they loved one another unconditionally. It was sort of like his bone-deep belief that no matter what happened - such as the fact he’d clearly hurt Clarke by not defending her to Raven, and what he’d done to Madi, and the fact she’d been out to intentionally hurt him in retribution - he and Clarke would find a way back to one another. He had to believe that.

Bellamy wasn’t sure how he’d been blessed by having not one but two such incredible women in his life. What he did know was that he needed to stop taking that blessing for granted and figure out how the hell to stop letting them both down so completely. They had both suffered for his idiocy more than anyone else.

Focus returning to the present, and therefore on the portrait of Roan Echo had left in front of him, Bellamy tried to keep her advice in mind but it did nothing to comfort him. He supposed he could understand her perspective in thinking Roan’s unparalleled respect for Clarke was a weakness given the way she’d once lived but to Bellamy it was simply routine good judgment.

After all, Roan hadn’t been alone in being a leader naturally gravitating towards her. Lexa had been fixated on Clarke from the moment they met and had quickly fallen in love with her. Clarke had told him about how Anya had been willing to speak on ‘their’ (her) behalf. For the brief time he’d been around Dante Wallace before they killed him it was clear he saw her as an equal in power. She’d been well on her way to forming an understanding with Diyoza before they returned to the ground and threw a wrench in that plan; to that day Diyoza still treated her with a respect she granted no one else. That bastard McCreary had listened to her. Russel had identified Clarke as the ‘non-disposable,’ invaluable leader of their people within seconds of meeting her. She and Gabriel had connected with one another the moment she was conscious and he’d gone far out of his way time and again to secure her as a friend, saying he’d ‘never met anyone like her in 200 years,’ and that she was ‘one hell of a woman.’

Bellamy roughly scrubbed at his face, groaning.

All of those powerful men and women, from all walks of life, took one look at Clarke and recognized her intelligence and strength. They treated her with respect even if they were enemies.

It seemed the only people who couldn’t do the same were the people she’d given everything for. Their people, their friends, were the only ones who couldn’t seem to appreciate Clarke. Running through the list of ways they’d wronged or misjudged her as a group proved it was not a new occurrence. It had been present in their interactions with her from the start and despite the disdain she received from those who owed her their highest regard she continued to go toe-to-toe with anyone who threatened them without a second thought.

Bellamy felt tired. Down-to-his-soul tired. Echo must have noticed as she insisted he go to bed, despite the fact he told her with certainty he knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep.

“While you’re here,” she’d said playfully, rolling on top of him, “we could practice exactly how we’re going to celebrate getting your PCD out. You know, so we get it right.”

“I think I’ll be able to figure it out,” Bellamy huffed in half-hearted laughter, closing his eyes.

“Bellamy.”

“Hmm?”

“Bellamy.”

He cracked open one eye, and seeing her stern face above his in the dark, hesitantly reopened the other. “What’s up?”

“It’s been… awhile. A long, long while. I’ve tried to be understanding because I know you’ve been stressed, but… Do you even want me anymore?”

“What?” he asked in true surprise. “You know I do. You know how much I care about you.”

Barely able to think about such things around his ongoing uneasiness, he realized she was right. He'd always had a deep appreciation for sex and wasn't sure how so much time could have passed without even noticing they weren't having it anymore. The pressure of running Wonkru solo had left him so exhausted it clearly had impacted him more than he even realized.

“Well then,” Echo smiled and began kissing him again. Bellamy felt so guilty but the fact was he couldn’t seem to focus with all the turmoil still rolling through him.

“I’m sorry, I want to, I just- Just not tonight. It’s been a rough day.”

There was a long pause and Bellamy tensely waited. He wasn’t trying to upset her or make her feel bad. He simply wasn’t in the mood, knew there was no possible way to get him in the mood, and he wasn’t one to half-ass his way through unenthusiastic sex.

“Yeah, of course,” Echo sighed, placing a fond peck on his shoulder before getting off of him. “I know today was hard on you. Things will get better, Bellamy. We’re so close to things being right.”

He nodded, turning away to stare at the wall that he’d become so familiar with, watching as his mind spun a thousand scenarios of what tomorrow would bring and reviewing every terrible thing that had been said, trying to figure how the hell he was going to repair what had been damaged between all of them for so long and utterly shattered so recently.

There had to be a way… There had to be a way… There had to be a way… There had to be a way… He would never accept there wasn’t a way. They were so close to happy. They deserved to be at peace. He would get them there. He only had to figure out how. There had to be a way… There had to be a way… There had to be a way… There had-

Between wracking his brain for answers and replaying their conversations on a cycle, a fragment of memory brought everything to a screeching halt.

'...The Red Sun only amplifies what’s there. I see all the people I murdered and they want me dead. You? You saw strangling me to death...'

In the dark Bellamy squeezed his eyes shut tightly, pained. Beyond remembering how much what she'd said to hurt him had hit its mark, he'd wanted to know what visions had tortured her out in the Red Sun and now that he did that torture became his own.

The rest of them had been plagued with combative, hysterical delusions - ones that had caused him to nearly kill someone he cared about and had sworn to protect - and instead, Clarke had seen the people she'd lost. She said they wanted her dead. He recalled Murphy telling him about how she'd nearly - Bellamy almost gagged at the thought it turned his stomach so badly - killed herself. The thin line of black blood he'd carefully touched on her neck when he'd found the two of them in her room after surviving their second Sun. When he'd bandaged her leg she'd accidentally let it slip that she'd seen Jasper. She'd rather face the psychological trauma of going into the Primes lab than the ghosts that the Red Sun had twisted into demons.

Peace. His whole body flexed in aggravation. They were supposed to finally get some goddamn peace.

His people, his friends, his family - Clarke especially - had been through so much. They deserved peace and happiness and safety and security. He was willing to do whatever it took to give that to them but as hard as he was trying he never seemed to get anything right. Clarke truly hated him at the moment, Madi was furious, Raven resentful, Echo disappointed, Octavia disapproving…

Bellamy recognized that he was turning himself into a modern-day Sisyphus. His self-aggrandizing belief that he could make absolutely anyone happy was his boulder and he had doomed himself to a fate of forever trying to roll it up a hill, never to succeed. But then, what the hell else was he supposed to do? If he had to spend the rest of his life breaking his back under a mountain of boulders to give them the lives they deserved than he would, it was only a matter of figuring out where to even begin.

There had to be a way… There had to be a way… There had to be a way… There had to be a way… He would never accept there wasn’t a way. They were so close to happy. They deserved to be at peace. He would get them there. He only had to figure out how. There had to be a way… There had to be a way… There had to be a way… There had-


	25. Clarke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> STORY NOTE:  
> \- This chapter is the longest by far, technically two made into one because we've got places to be plot-wise! I hope you enjoy it!
> 
> PERSONAL NOTE:  
> \- I wanted to thank everyone for the billionth time. I've had a harder time lately and getting to see all of your kind and supportive comments is such a comfort and enormous source of joy. I appreciate you always, and more than you know.   
> \- I am behind on replying to comments because I wanted to make up for lost time and get this out to you ASAP. I will be circling back because I enjoy talking to you so very, very much.   
> \- I also am EAGERLY awaiting to hear what you think about this chapter!

Clarke sat alone through the night. Her waking hours were bad enough; she didn't need to face the dreams waiting for her too. She needed to keep her resolve for whatever came next.

Dropping her head into her hands at the kitchen table she tried to figure out what that entailed. She ran through a thousand scenarios between recalling every word that had been said and every interaction that had taken place through the years. It was almost dawn, Madi would be waking soon, and she needed to have a plan of action before that happened. She’d just sworn to be brutally honest and she meant it; that didn't mean Madi needed to see her lost and weak.

More than once her nose began to trickle blood and she roughly wiped it away as she wracked her wounded mind.

Eventually, a voice joined her. "The great Wanheda." Clarke's eyes filled with tears even as she smiled, hearing Roan's sarcasm as he greeted her. 

“Are you here to make me feel better?" she whispered.

"It's never been my strength," he told her, exactly as he had in Becca's lab, even though both then and now the answer was 'yes.' His calm presence, even knowing it was no more than a figment of her imagination or a delusion brought on by her mental state, soothed her. Clarke took her first easy breath in hours.

“You said someday my people would thank me for what I’ve done.” Clarke was aware she was insane to be muttering to herself in an empty room and also aware that she didn’t care. “You were wrong. ”

“That so?” She heard the soft chuckle of a man long dead. “It’s always something with you.”

For a split second, Clarke wondered why her crumbling subconscious had chosen Roan. Where were her regular demons? She swiftly forced herself to stop thinking about it, worried it would make the gift of hearing him vanish. She didn’t want him to go. Seeing Bellamy and the others for who they really were - recognizing the way they had and always would treat her and Madi - enraged her but that didn’t erase how tired she was. She knew she hated them but that didn’t mean she wasn’t lonely. For the moment she had a friend to sit with her. She’d take it without asking any questions if it meant he’d stay a little longer.

In the dark Clarke had battled the urge to grab Madi and run for hours. They didn’t need to pack; they had each other. They could go to Sanctum and start over without the weight of the world on their shoulders anymore. A short drive would be all it would take to finally be free.

Each time that thought occurred she tried to find a way to convincingly pretend they’d ever follow through on a plan like that, despite the underlying certain and sad resignation she felt in knowing it would never happen. Just because her former ‘friends’ didn’t deserve her saving them again didn’t mean Wonkru didn’t. The vision of Sanctum and Wonkru working together, and all the future conflicts that could prevent, was something she needed to see to fruition. The people in Wonkru and their descendants deserved a future of peace and prosperity that she didn’t trust the others to make happen on their own. 

“We all want what’s best for our people,” Roan echoed through the years.

More importantly, there was Madi. The point stood that abandoning her role as Heda would put her in more danger than if she didn’t. No matter where they went that title and its complications would follow. And what Heda left her people to rule from somewhere else? A bad one, and as a result, inevitably a dead one. Clarke also knew that as dedicated as she was to securing a future for Wonkru, Madi felt the same. Dragging her away would only create discord between them when they needed to be closer than ever.

However, it was Roan that reminded her of the final, compelling, nail-in-the-coffin reason. She wasn’t going to run away from their people again because of something as trivial as her feelings. What kind of person would it make her to flee for the safety of Sanctum because she didn’t want to see people who upset her? She wasn’t going to-

“Take the cowards way out,” he agreed, this time approving of her decision.

Clarke finally fully dismissed the option to abandon Wonkru. Until the worst of this was over, at least. Now that she was certain they’d be staying, there was the matter of how to make her plan work while doing it in the proximity of those jackasses. Having to interact with them, spending time together… Clarke shuddered. But then, how could she pull it off without them?

Ghost Roan assured her, “If anyone can convince mortal enemies to move in together, it’s you.”

That had been when they were discussing moving into the bunker but the concept still applied now. Everyone was going to see what she was doing as tearing apart their families and forcing them to live side-by-side with their foes. That was the dangerous part, and that was something she could handle alone. The other tasks were secondary and didn’t require her direct supervision. Once things were in full swing she wouldn’t need to see them every day.

That said, the people of Wonkru might fear her but she wasn’t one of them. The others had relationships with its citizens and had developed their positions of authority over time, not merely through a reputation built on genocide. She had counted on those figureheads creating a foundation of support upon which Madi could stand. Without the others, she would be asking everyone to follow orders they despised solely on her word and Madi’s title.

“I’m a king,” Roan had once said. “I don’t have to ask my people what they want. The real question is how you are going to sell this to yours.” 

Madi was Heda. She didn’t need to ‘ask’ her people to do anything. However, it would be wise to sell them on the idea so she didn’t seem like a harsh dictator. 

With that line of thinking, the beginnings of a plan began to form. They could do both. She could channel both the authoritative energy of Roan and the politician Clarke has once been. She and Roan had understood each other perfectly. There had to be a way to merge their leadership styles. 

Bellamy would be a problem. He would insist on shouldering some of the burden even if it was unwanted and wouldn’t take being shut out easily. His bullheaded belief that somehow everyone would get along was something she, firstly, didn’t want to hear, and secondly, couldn’t afford to be distracted by. Thinking about him, she knew with certainty that he would try to postpone their plan moving forward until he could browbeat everyone into playing nice. That was something she would not allow to happen. Madi would be safer when this was all over and nothing would delay Clarke from seeing it done.

The plan in her mind began to solidify.

By the time Madi joined her Clarke felt confident in their course of action, thank goodness. Her daughter’s eyes were rimmed with pink from crying herself to sleep and there was a hard set to her features that Clarke imagined mirrored her own. She would have previously tried to comfort her out of it but bit her tongue. Madi had been used, she felt betrayed, and had every reason to. Her feelings were valid and Clarke had to respect her right to feel them.

When Diyoza dropped by to begin her guard shift Clarke quietly asked her to grab their breakfast. Diyoza’s mouth opened - surely to make some snarky comment about not being the help, knowing her - but whatever she saw looking between them made her dip her chin and go.

“Madi, about last night-”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” she snapped. Immediately she looked up with big apologetic eyes, holding her hand out for Clarke to take. “Not right now.”

“That’s fair,” Clarke conceded as she took it, pressing an affectionate, comforting kiss on the back. “What we do need to talk about is Wonkru. We need to move forward before the others” - Bellamy - “can slow us down. They are going to want to get on our good sides before we do anything.”

“That’s not happening,” Madi said darkly. It broke Clarke’s heart to hear her talk about her childhood heroes that way but they’d brought it upon themselves.

“Exactly. We’re scheduled to begin tomorrow. I think we should today so they can’t stop us.”

Madi nodded. “That makes sense. But how?”

“Gaia and Indra know you don’t have the Flame but they still behave like you’re their Commander. They’ll do what you say. Instead of training with Octavia this morning we’ll talk to them; ask them to begin spreading the word for everyone to gather this evening.”

“This afternoon.”

“That might not give them time to get to everyone.”

“I’ll let them know what I want. They’ll get it done,” she said with all of the confidence in the world. “I don’t want to give Bellamy the chance to make his own move first.”

Ah. She’d known exactly who Clarke had meant.

They talked about how to word her instructions to Gaia and Indra to make it clear what needed to be done and the time limit without prompting them to betray Madi’s trust by running straight to any of their former friends to give away what was going on.

By the time that was decided Diyoza had returned, catching the end of their conversation with her back propped against the door. At one point she asked, “What’s going on, ladies? Do you need me to grab Bellamy for you, ‘cause I feel like this is a-”

Clarke caught Madi flinching at the same time she did. “No.” Clarke didn’t spare her a glance as she said it and returned her complete focus on Madi and the task at hand.

When they finished eating they carefully made their way through Wonkru to avoid being seen without looking fishy to anyone who might observe them and found Indra who had someone summon Gaia. Madi delivered their carefully crafted order and before either could react left, returning home with equal caution.

Once inside, Clarke began on their next obstacle: the announcement itself. This part was as much about the delivery as it was the message. The order of a King - or Heda - tempered by the political persuasion a teenage girl had once - and now again - needed to use to be listened to. They went back and forth selecting phrasing, tone, body language, and how they’d end it to maximize results. It was during their conversation they’d come up with the idea to meet with each family individually to get them on board by turn rather than taking on the entire population on their own at once.

By the time midday arrived Madi seemed as sure as she’d ever be. 

“Wait,” Clarke said last minute, fighting back a grimace. “Before we go… Hide every weapon you can on yourself. We’re going to keep you safe but I’m not going to take any chances. Until this is all over you stay with me, Diyoza, or RJ every moment - every single second - and you keep every blade you own on you. Always.”

Clarke put in every effort to sound calm and matter-of-fact as she said this and Madi simply nodded and did as asked without question. It tore Clarke up.

They’d once more used care to make it to the unused space behind the mess hall and then waited as they heard the crowd begin to grow.

As they did Clarke clasped a small hand that had predictably become damp from nerves. “We’ve got this,” Clarke assured, using her other hand to run loving strokes down Madi’s long braids.

Madi’s gaze was far away as she scowled, biting her lip. “I know, I just… You know I get nervous in front of everyone and I… They can’t stop us now but they might be out there and…” Madi clenched her jaw, shaking her head. “I hate the thought of seeing their faces at all; I don’t know how I’m going to stand it normally, let alone like this.”

There was no question who Madi meant. Those crystalline razors of hatred gained another inch of growth within her. This was already so hard. Madi had to do this because of them and they were making it even worse for her. There was no end to the hardships they put her through.

“Hey,” Clarke caught her daughter’s face, tone firm even as she rubbed a reassuring thumb across her cheekbone. “They are the bad guys, not you. They should be nervous to face US, not the other way around. It’s going to be hard, for both of us, to see them at first,” Clarke fought down her own anxious anger over the thought, not wanting to pass it on, “but all we can do is try to ignore them. When we do have to acknowledge them don’t forget that we’re stronger than they are, Madi. They put all their burdens on our family because they can’t bear it and it’s made us stronger than they’ll ever be,” - and more traumatized, but that wasn’t her point - “please don’t forget that. We’re not going to need to interact with them as much now. When we do I’ll handle it, ok? You don't need to see them. I’m not going to let anything hurt you and that includes them. We’re Griffins; we don’t back down when things are hard. We’ve got this.”

Madi seemed to fall into deep contemplation as Clarke spoke, breaking out of it only to sigh wearily, “Things are always hard.”

“Yet here we are,” Clarke said in time with Roan reminding her of the same thing, his presence having followed her every step through the day.

When Gaia and Indra came to report that nearly everyone was present Madi instructed Indra to pull out a table and chair to set the stage she and Clarke had decided upon, then how they were to be announced when they began.

While they were still quietly talking, Clarke muttered, “Diyoza,” jerking her head to indicate they walk together. Clarke was aware that the woman had been watching them closely the entire morning and hadn’t cared about anything outside of Madi and what needed to be done enough to reciprocate the attention. She only gave it now because Diyoza had a role to play.

Madi dutifully followed several steps behind them as she continued to speak lowly to the other two, taking her instructions to stay close seriously which was a relief. Peeking around the corner of the building Clarke waved for Diyoza to do the same, finding her target in the crowd. “You see that man? Especially big, brown hair piled high? Tattoo on the left side of his face all sharp angles?”

“Hard to miss him.”

“Please go stand by him until we’re done. He’s going to try to cause trouble while we’re talking. Don’t do anything overt enough for him to lash out but make it clear you’re there and you’ll kick his ass if he tries to challenge Madi, at least enough for him to hesitate.” Clarke thought of their deal and knew that this fell outside of what it entailed. They had a business arrangement and she wasn’t going to change the expectations in case it caused Diyoza to do the same. “Not that that’s your role here, I’m not asking you to actually-”

“No problem. Anything else?” Clarke shook her head and in the following long pause felt the intense stare Diyoza was leveling her way. When she finally looked back Diyoza said, “I was wrong about you,” her face full of a conspiratorial smirk. When all Clarke did was raise her brows, she snickered. “You’re no princess. You’re a little machiavellian queen. I dig it.”

“I’m so glad you approve,” Clarke thanked sarcastically, lips twisted in a forced grin. Diyoza was indebted to her; compliments were appreciated but needed to be taken with a grain of salt. “We’ll be out in a few minutes. Will that be long enough to make an impression?”

“Plenty. Consider it under control, queenie. Break a leg out there.” With that Diyoza took off with swagger and a set to her shoulders that would make anyone with a pulse nervous.

When the time came Madi took one final big inhale, and exhale, and then nodded to herself with determination. She turned and began toward her people while Clarke followed a half step behind, heart breaking. God, she hated this. She hated sending her child up there to deal with this. If she could think of a better way she’d choose it in a second. However, there was no option that didn’t make Madi look weak and for the rest of her life she couldn’t afford that luxury. Thanks to Bellamy. As a result of Bellamy’s actions Madi had to do this; had to suffer like this.

The vicious, cold fury that thought inspired made it easier to set her face in the mask she needed to wear as they acted out their scene. She’d told Madi that the roles they needed to play were that of ‘the carrot and the stick.’ Wanting to please their Heda would be motivation enough for most. For those that didn’t work on, their fear of Wanheda likely would. That meant a significant portion of their people would be naturally and immediately obedient; the small subset that didn’t respect either should be easy enough to handle when isolated from everyone else. What Clarke left unsaid was that if things didn’t go the way they intended it would be easiest for ‘the stick’ to take the fall.

Stepping up to begin the show, Clarke immediately found Bellamy out of the corner of her eye, surrounded by his family. 

“All of my enemies in one place,” Roan commentated dryly as Clarke dedicated herself to looking anywhere else and hoped Madi was doing the same. Clarke couldn’t glare; her expression could not falter from that of pleasant but haughty authority. Her feelings towards them did not compare to what Roan had felt towards Trikru when he’d said those words; his hatred had been cleaner. It was intrinsic. They’d gone out of their way to personally earn every bit of hers.

As Madi perfectly executed their speech Clarke also found Diyoza and Edzun and was glad to see the distinct discomfort and preoccupation Edzun was experiencing as Diyoza was half leaning into him, body tense, eyes never leaving his face as she silently dared him to speak. 

Everything went according to plan. By the time they broke through the crowd and began walking home Clarke could feel Madi slightly trembling at her side even as her daughter’s back stayed straight and steps sure. It was so painful to not reach out to her but they’d both acknowledged earlier that they needed to keep public affection to a minimum if they couldn’t manage non-existent. They had to be perceived as powerful leaders, not a mother and her child. Anything that drew attention to Madi’s age had to be avoided. Clarke bit her cheek as that anger in her flared once more. She again dwelled on the fact Madi’s childhood was over before it could begin. Clarke had to sacrifice their desire to touch one another lovingly or in comfort. Because of Bellamy.

That ended as soon as the door closed behind the two of them - and the dutifully trailing Diyoza - and the force of Madi’s hug had Clarke stumbling back into the wall. Clarke held her with every ounce of strength she possessed, kissing the top of her head more than once and telling her again and again that she had done everything right. That everything was going to be ok. They were going to get through this. Someday things were going to be better.

She hoped Madi did not notice that was the same promise Clarke had made a million times in Shallow Valley and that it had thus far been her biggest lie.

The hug was too brief, Madi soon pulling away to declare flatly, “I’ve got to go.”

“Go where?” Clarke asked through her surprise. Madi had mentioned nothing about other duties and Clarke had assumed they’d stick together. Not to mention, they would begin their schedule of meeting with every citizen of Wonkru in the morning. It had been her intention to spend the rest of the day huddled away in the safety of their home so they could achieve some semblance of rest and preparation before that gauntlet began.

“While you were talking to Diyoza I spoke to Indra for a second,” Madi said distractedly, already opening the door. “I need to take care of something.”

“I’ll go with-”

“No,” Madi sharply replied and then forced a smile. “No thank you. It can’t look like I need you to escort me everywhere; Diyoza is bad enough. I’ll be back soon.”

Before Clarke could ask any further questions Madi tossed a wave over her shoulder and was through the door. 

Clarke stared after her for a long moment, fighting the urge to chase after them. More than ever Clarke wanted to keep Madi close - keep her safe - and the temptation to override her daughter’s insistence on having a level of independence was strong.

“What could possibly go wrong?” Roan asked with his still familiar gruff but teasing tone. He’d once said that about their plan to transport rocket fuel. Now the risk of mismanaging her relationship with Madi felt significantly more treacherous. 

She and her daughter weren’t ‘friends.’ They might be interacting differently than before but Clarke was still the parent and that meant she needed to think big-picture about Madi’s needs. And this wasn’t Shallow Valley. If the two of them lived in one another’s pockets it could easily become more codependent than supportive. Madi had the right to her own space - if she wasn’t in danger - even if Clarke didn’t want it. She remembered well her own reaction to being expected to behave like a child for her mother’s benefit and never wanted Madi to experience that frustration or the urge to do things on her own as she wasn’t being supported.

Plus, Madi did need to get used to life without Clarke eventually. Her plans about what would happen later - Sanctum, the woods, all of it - were not at the forefront of her mind but she did know that much. She refused to believe Madi would never develop relationships with other people. Clarke needed to stay close, stay available, but not ask anything of Madi’s time in return. Knowing her daughter would do anything for her only made it that much more important that she never pressured her to do anything at all.

That period of deep reflection lasted a few minutes and then… Nothing. She was once more sitting at her table, feeling trapped, in what was becoming a seemingly endless purgatory. 

Locating her sketchbook and charcoal pencil Clarke started sketching to try to avoid fixating on her ever-growing restlessness. Roan had felt so near all day it was the most obvious choice in the world what to draw, a few strong lines already forming the outline of his face.

She felt his silent judgment for staying inside when she’d rather be anywhere else and tried to ignore it, beginning to define his jaw. “Maybe you aren’t the Commander of Death after all,” he mused, at that point only alive because she’d stabbed him an inch off the day they’d met.

“Yeah, yeah,” Clarke muttered. She really did want to leave. She recalled telling Madi that their old ‘friends’ should be the ones afraid to see them, not the other way around, but it was easier said than done. 

If they were still in Shallow Valley she’d know exactly where to go. She had special places for almost everyone, reserved for when she missed them the most. Back then she would ‘visit’ Roan in a specific moss-filled cave, much like the one they’d met in not long before Praimfya. He’d been led to believe she’d double-crossed him so he marched his army upon them, wisely bringing Bellamy and Kane as hostages, and when she’d met his hostile move by personally blocking his route in a gorge rimmed with snipers, they had ducked into a nearby cave to speak. He had every reason to distrust her - then and always - yet he had anyway. He could have ordered his people to fight through her trap, knowing not all of them would survive the coming black rain anyway. Instead, he’d agreed to her offer to split the ship 50/50. His parting words weren't even to say that if she couldn’t get Skaikru to honor their deal he’d take it all; he’d said that if she couldn’t convince them he would see it done. 

She hadn’t thought about that until long, long after. He thought she’d betrayed him, they’d evenly met each other going toe-to-toe with weapons drawn, then he took her offer even though he had an army that massively outnumbered her own force, and when they’d found a compromise his final threat had been… Enforcing what she said if her own people wouldn’t listen to her.

“Ain’t we a pair,” he chuckled.

“Screw this.” Emboldened, Clarke snatched up her things and left before she could think twice. 

She’d stood down armies. She had stood down a King, and Heda, and President, and Chancellors, and anyone in between. She wasn’t going to let those cowards force her into hiding ever again.

“Now that’s better,” Roan said with the same dark amusement as he had when they’d nearly drowned one another after first meeting, her red hair dye swept away in the water, revealing her true self.

She hadn’t consciously known where she was going until she was already there and when she did she wasn’t surprised. Everyone was still at lunch so the common area was empty but it was Azgeda all the same. Clarke took a seat and began working on her sketch again, feeling aggressively freer than she had in a long while.

Losing herself in her drawing she couldn’t say how much time passed before she sensed Bellamy. He hadn’t said anything yet, he wasn’t in her line of sight, but she knew he was there and every bit of her bitter anger toward him was equally as invisibly present. Her hands flexed on the notepad, fighting the urge to storm away rather than face him as she felt him draw closer, those daggers of hatred - ever-growing - slicing deep.

“Hey princess,” Bellamy said cautiously, making his presence known. “I’ve been looking for you.”

Clarke kept her posture loose but it was hard. With fleeing off the table, every instinct within her warred between the desire to strike him again or… Her decision suddenly became easy. She knew with confidence that Bellamy could withstand any physical injury she could cause him; his emotions were his only true weakness. Madi was her’s, and he’d shown no hesitation ripping her heart to shreds by that means. But engaging in his feelings enough to dole out a portion of the pain he’d caused her to put her own at risk. The habit of instinctively caring about his wellbeing was one it would take more than an evening to break. 

Clarke felt Roan’s empathetic support as she wished he was there to eviscerate Bellamy on her behalf. “I can’t do that,” he admitted, “but I can help you do it.” He’d originally said that when she wanted to kill his mother. He was saying it now when she equally wanted Bellamy dead. He was helpful like that. She’d had a friend like that, once. For so many years Clarke had thought Bellamy was her best friend but all he did was hurt her and then her child.

Clutching the memory of a friend who’d actually cared firmly, Clarke licked her lips and kept her voice even as she said simply, “Don’t.”

“Don’t…”

“Don’t call me that ever again.”

“Clarke-“

The sound of her name in his mouth enraged her but she kept her cool regardless. If he knew he still had any impact on her he’d take advantage of it. “Don’t call me that either.”

“What would you like me to call you?” he asked and she could hear the dread in his voice. It did nothing but urge her on. He should be afraid.

“I want you to never speak to me again. If you can’t manage that, Wanheda will do.”

“Clarke, I get how upset you must be. You have every right. Please let me-“

Upset? She was ‘upset?’ Thinking fast, she knew something that had once seemed to ‘upset’ him too. “I said don’t. You left Clarke Griffin to die, and she did, alone in a desert. Bellamy Blake didn’t make it off the Ring. The Commander of Death and the Selfish, Cowardly Jackass are all that’s left.” Clarke heard the breath punched out of him by that and it filled her with sharp, pained satisfaction.

”I'm sorry about leaving you, and what happened with Raven. I should have stopped her. I’m sorry I told them about you being sick but they needed to know. It was after what happened in the woods and I was worried- You know how important you are to me- I should have told her-”

“Stop.” Would he ever get tired of this? Chasing after her, pretending to care, solely to set her up to take on all of his problems? It would be one thing to handle the business end of it. His insistence on getting her heart involved was cruel and exhausting. “This game has gotten old and I don’t want to play anymore. Madi and I will fix Wonkru. The theatrics aren’t necessary.”

"We need to talk this out. Please. I’m sorry and you deserve so much better from me. From all of us. We know that. Plus, you know how dangerous things are now. The stakes are too high for us to be at odds. Please let me fix this. I messed up. I should have stopped Raven. She was completely in the wrong. Everything she said was untrue and if you’ll let me-”

“No.”

As their conversation continued he kept coming at her with everything she wanted to hear but she had finally, finally, finally truly learned her lesson. Bellamy always knew how to suck her back in. He always knew the right thing to say when they were alone and he didn’t have to choose her over anyone else. She always so badly wanted to believe him that she let herself be lulled in despite her better judgment. This time she wasn’t going to let the words out of his mouth anywhere remotely near a hope that they were real.

She let his persistent stream of manipulation flow around her, clinging tight to those razor-sharp daggers of ice he’d created to keep from being carried away.

Clarke cracked once when Bellamy said he loved Madi. The safe fortress of snow she’d created was threatened by a spark of raging hot fire and Clarke took in a shaky breath to save herself before it collapsed. She relied on Roan - the King of the Ice Nation - by channeling his tone to keep her frostbitten responses level. As she did her mind cleared enough to actively notice the image she’d been working on was nearly complete. She let it become her touchstone, carefully detailing the scars on his face as she continued to go back and forth with Bellamy from a remote tundra he could not possibly reach or harm her in.

“I never wanted you to… You’re my best friend,” he said as she applied the finishing touches. “I can’t… Lose you. Please, let me-”

“Like I said; the correct response is ‘thank you,’ and then leaving me alone.” Clarke looked at the completed likeness and felt how humorous Roan would have found her saying that. When she recalled why couldn’t help but smile. “You all have a real gratitude problem, you know that?” she quoted.

Roan laughed distantly as Clarke blew off the excess charcoal from her work and while she’d missed him before, it struck her as especially profound at that moment. He’d been the only one who could accept the person she’d become. They hadn’t always been on the same side but he understood her the way Bellamy once had; the struggle of leading when there were no right answers. Unlike Bellamy, Roan had empathized with her and tried to find a compromise between their needs. In that regard, Bellamy couldn’t compare. 

Clarke stood. She’d proven to herself that she’d never again allow herself to be cowed by them. That done, there was no point continuing their conversation.

She didn’t glance at Bellamy as she passed. There wasn’t a need. There was nothing on his face that she would ever be able to believe and it already hurt enough that someone she’d once loved so deeply was dead and she was being forced to endure the creature that had taken his place.

An admittedly mean-spirited - and in her opinion perfectly justified - impulse had her shoving the picture of Roan against him as she passed, saying “My best friend died a long time ago. He’s the reason I didn’t try to pack up Madi and leave this morning. You’re not half the man he was,” knowing full well that Bellamy’s insecurity about being a good man - about being ‘enough’ - would gut him. He deserved it. What he’d done to Madi gutted her every day.

And then. And then Bellamy lost his goddamn mind enough to touch her. The selfish, idiotic, delusional, bastard, touched her. The callouses of his fingers gently scratching along her skin as he wrapped one of his big hands around her arm. Clarke shivered out of instinct and it only added to her furious adrenaline as she shoved him away. “Do not. Touch me. Ever. Again.”

Clarke looked directly at him for the first time as she said it. Bellamy was decidedly pale, he was breathlessly panting, there was a faint sheen of sweat on his brow, and in any other circumstance - no, in the past - she’d be deeply worried. As it was he was not her problem anymore and could go float himself for all she cared. 

Having no further interest in enabling his compulsive need for self-flagellation as soon as the opportunity arose, Clarke left. As she did she noticed his family was nearby and naturally ignored them completely. She’d engaged with their bullshit more than enough for one day. More than enough for one lifetime, actually.

As Clarke took off for home with a swift stride she snorted to herself in scornful amusement. Bellamy was only kind to her without an audience. How would he pass off everything he said now that he’d been caught? How would-

“Clarke,” Octavia called. 

Clarke pursed her lips in distaste. While she wasn’t going to run from them ever again, she figured picking up her pace couldn’t hurt. However, there was no hope of escaping her as Octavia repeated her name louder from much closer.

Staying deadpan Clarke didn’t slow or turn. “What?”

“I want to ask if you’re ok,” Octavia said, seeming unsurprised by Clarke’s hostility. She shook her head. “Stupid question,” she groaned before trying again. “I want to tell you what Raven said isn’t-”

“I don’t want to hear it.”

Octavia walked beside her in silence for a beat. “I get how you’re feeling,” she said quietly. “Like you’re an outsider. Like everyone hates you. Please- Know it’s not true for you. Not at all. No one agrees with anything Raven said. I respect you, Clarke. When we found out-“

“Stop,” Clarke ordered frigidly, glad to be nearing her front door. When she did she glanced at Octavia and for a split second was touched by the level of concern and pleading she saw before remembering it wasn’t real; even if it was, it wasn’t something that would last. Octavia had almost killed her. She would have killed Madi. She’d dropped the problems she’d caused on Madi’s lap and walked away. The knowledge refreshed Clarke’s hatred. “You want to know what you can do?” She waited until Octavia nodded. “Leave me alone. I don’t want anything to do with any of you. Leave Madi and me in peace. That’s the only thing left I want from you and it’s the least you owe us.”

Slowly, hesitantly, Octavia nodded again. “You have every right to feel the way you do, and I don’t blame you for being angry, and I don’t want to try to pressure you to talk before you’re ready. But please know I’m always here for you. Anytime; day or night. When you are ready... I get it, all of it. I’m on your side. I’ve learned my lesson and I have your back. That goes for both of you,” Octavia sounded choked up, stepping closer to emphasize what she was saying.

Clarke equally stepped back. It wasn’t real. “Leave us alone,” she repeated. Then she entered the house, closing the door firmly behind her.

How Octavia felt - and all of them entirely - was no longer her concern. When she found Madi inside Clarke dedicated herself to spending the evening erasing them from her mind. She and Madi had quite the challenge ahead and needed to focus on that and each other. They’d both spent too much time and energy caring about people who’d never reciprocate.

“You were right, by the way,” Diyoza mentioned, kicking back by the fire as Madi and Clarke posted up at the kitchen table. “That Edzun guy is a problem.” How she said it gave the impression she expected a conversation to begin following her observation.

Clarke couldn’t afford to be distracted by the obvious. “Yup.” Turning to Madi she started up the conversation she’d wanted to have directly after their announcement, covering how Madi felt, what she thought, and any impressions she had about the crowd.

When the time came for RJ to take over for Diyoza the woman pushed him back outside as he arrived, following. Whatever was said privately resulted in RJ spending the first portion of his shift laying his clown act on thick while they tried to focus on talking through what to expect the next day and carefully comforting one another without mentioning why it was needed. Given their preoccupation they didn’t have time to feed into his need for attention, which he finally accepted when Madi turned to him and asked without malice, “Are you done?”

RJ’s expression and body language went slack and he nodded solemnly. When dinnertime came he asked in hardly more than a whisper if he should get their food. Clarke felt confident in her ability to keep Madi safe by herself for the time being and told him to go. 

When he returned, as they sat to eat, Clarke knew keeping things professional was best but couldn’t help but thank him thoroughly for the favor and Madi blinked out of her intense preoccupation and did as well. As a result, while the three of them ate in tense silence at least he didn’t look like they’d beaten him quite as much. He did not speak for the rest of the night, though when he left he delicately touched Clarke’s shoulder as he passed and dropped a peck on the top of Madi’s head from behind before basically running out the door.

Later, upon finding herself in the still quiet of her bed, Clarke struggled to not dwell on the day's events. She fought feeling anything about it beyond her rage. All of the words she and Bellamy had exchanged. What Raven had said the night before and what Madi had revealed. All of the things they’d all done. 

Putting the stupid socks on her hands to prevent injury in the night only increased her anger. She imagined it would take a lengthy amount of time before any memory of their fake care didn’t. 

It took a long time for sleep to finally claim her and when it did she was visited by the familiar victims of her actions. 

As her mother and father begged her to kill herself for the sake of mankind, the usual ghosts appeared behind them, their hatred predictable. Finn continued to bleed from what she’d done to him and he reminded her how much he’d loved her and that she was a heartless murderer. Jasper threw the events of Mount Weather in her face and that what she’d done was so monstrous he had been forced to commit suicide to escape being in a world she existed in. On and on they went. 

Then, for the first time, figures of those who still breathed as they held her sins against her joined the ranks of the people who wished she was dead. Of course Raven was first. She kissed Finn and then held his hand as she spewed the same venom as their confrontation. Murphy and Emori came next, looking disgusted and Murphy wishing he hadn’t come for her in the Red Sun. How the first time it had happened he should have stood back and watched her slit her own throat as it would have prevented every awful thing that had happened in Sanctum after. Emori saying if she’d died in Praimfya like they’d hoped when they left her behind Earth would still exist. When Miller appeared he mocked her for believing for a second that what she’d done could ever be forgiven; that it could ever be justified. Jackson told her Abby died because of her and how much she deserved that fate instead. Echo reminded her how awful she was for Bellamy, how she’d take care of him and Madi so much better in her place, adding how happy everyone would be to be rid of her forever.

Then came Bellamy. He walked right up to her, cradling her face in his hands as he gazed down at her with gentle compassion. Clarke leaned into him, eyes closing as she soaked up his comfort. He began moving, his hands sliding downward. When he grabbed her throat her eyes flew back open and she saw the way his features had distorted clearly from the intimate closeness he held her in. From so near she could feel his breath, Bellamy murmured softly while he strangled her that it was his duty to protect everyone. The only people left after her constant slaughter of the innocent, anyway. The only way to keep them safe was to kill her. She was too selfish to do it herself and he couldn’t let her hurt anyone ever again, which she was bound to do. She was a bad person, the bad guy, a genocidal monster. As darkness began to blur her vision of all of them watching him murder her, the last thing she saw was Bellamy’s smile.

When Clarke sat straight up, frantically clawing at her chest as she desperately tried to rip her own heart out to stop the unbearable pain, it took longer than ever before to realize what she was doing. When she did she also became aware that her nose was bleeding so heavily it was dripping down into her lap, drenching her pajamas. When she rushed to find cloth to catch the blood before she made the mess even worse, she had to grab a second to retrace her steps to clean the droplets she hadn’t managed to contain. 

She needed to go to Gabriel. Her weeks without treatment due to their busyness and the recent events had clearly resulted in the return of her symptoms; her dizziness the night before, the hallucination of Roan’s voice, the gushing blood. That said, as certain as she was that she needed help she was equally certain it would have to wait until they were done with their meetings. There was no way Clarke was leaving Madi alone with them ever again, or would abandon her to face the challenge of their time-sensitive task by herself. 

Clarke’s quick math told her it would take about eight days, barring any unforeseen circumstances. She could survive eight days. She knew with conviction that for Madi, and for Wonkru, she could and would survive anything if only through pure stubbornness. 

She also knew that her sickness meant she was going to be facing the most delicate and dangerous phase of their plan in a weakened state. She needed to try to sleep no matter how scared she was to face what waited for her when she did. Thus Clarke grimly ordered herself to visit that hellscape once more. Her mind was hesitant to follow her command and the sleep she did achieve was fitful, jarring awake frequently.

It was only that light sleep that later made her quickly aware of the sound of thumping and grunts coming from outside of her bedroom door near dawn.

She hadn’t expected anyone to attack so soon after their announcement but the certainty that they were had her dagger in hand and out of bed in an instant, charging into the living room prepared for a fight only to find that one was already underway.  
When she did she froze with the knife half-lifted, forgotten as she tried to piece what she was seeing into a conclusion that could possibly make sense. None immediately came to mind.

Miller was in her living room, his lip bleeding, holding one of her kitchen chairs up like a lion tamer while RJ tried to swat it out of the way.

“What. The. Hell.”

“Good morning,” Miller said with breathless nonchalance. “I brought you and Madi breakfast but Goliath here knocked it off the table when he threw me across it. Sorry.”

“I saw him breaking in,” RJ growled, catching one of the legs of the chair being used to fend him off.

Miller nodded in easy agreement, kicking RJ to get him to loosen his hold so he could yank it back. “I broke in and then locked the door behind me. So he did too. Just saying.”

Clarke crossed her arms, pissed. Miller witnessed her calling out what they’d done. Him having the audacity to break into her home right after was outright… She didn’t even have the words. It was merely further proof of how little they regarded her feelings and her right to a life without them taking center stage. “I don’t want to talk to you,” she clarified, nearly disbelieving she had to spell that out again as if Octavia not getting the concept on her own wasn’t enough.

“Yeah, but you’re one of my best friends and you hate me at the moment, and I need to make that right.” The earnest sincerity in his voice almost got to her before she reminded herself that it wasn’t real. Everything between them had been contrived, prompted by hidden motivations and, best case, pity. Recalling her dream helped her re-embrace her awareness of that fact.

“That’s never happening and I don’t give a damn about what you say you need.”

“I hear you, but I gave you space that hurt instead of helped last time.” He swung the chair when RJ tried to lunge around him. “I’ve been an idiot but I’m not stupid enough to repeat a mistake that big. Be mad but talk to me. I’ll just keep coming for you until you do so you might as well now and save all of us the trouble."

“No,” Madi spoke up, stepping into view from behind her. Her face and voice and posture and very aura were furious. “You won’t. Clarke doesn’t owe you anything and you don’t get to force her into hearing you out if she doesn’t feel like it. If she wants to talk to you she will. Until that unlikely event ever happens, stay away from us. I made that very clear, as well as the consequences if you don’t. You may be Captain of the Guards but I’m the Commander. When I give you an order it is not a suggestion.”

She had what? When could she… Clarke recalled Madi’s insistence on going somewhere without her and put the pieces together. She had faced them down alone. Madi had picked up on her discomfort when talking about seeing the others and took to heart Clarke telling her that they were stronger. Apparently she told them to stay away. Clarke bit her cheek to keep from getting too emotional. She wished she’d done that herself or had at least been by Madi’s side during what had to have been a hard confrontation for her. That said, her sweet, strong, brave child never ceased to fill her with adoring awe. 

“Yeah, I remember. Tossing us into the radiation fence. Hard to forget,” Miller said, momentarily somewhat distracted from his ongoing defense against RJ by glancing at Clarke expectantly.

At first, she didn’t understand why and then recalled what he’d said the morning after Madi had demanded that he and Echo be imprisoned following the incident with the Eligius prisoner. Echo had been upset by it but when Clarke had tried to apologize to Miller he’d brushed off what happened good-naturedly. “She’s a good kid,” he had replied. “Plus, I knew you weren’t going to let anything happen to us.” The look he was giving her now was derived from his complete surety that she’d intervene to save him from Madi’s threat. He appeared truly disbelieving and wounded when Clarke did nothing but arch a brow in defiant unattachment. 

“Consider this your one and only warning that I mean it. Share this with the others because it goes for all of you. If you can’t manage to obey me on your own my people have the authority to enforce my order by any means necessary.” Madi said with a look towards RJ. 

The giant tilted his head in understanding and then barreled into Miller full-force, unfazed by the solid furniture smacking him along the way. Clarke realized how, for him, RJ had been fighting Miller with the utmost gentleness until that point. While her ‘old friend’ struggled RJ twisted his arm behind him easily and began marching him towards the door.

“Clarke, don’t do this. Don’t be alone. I hate Raven for what she said. I care-”

RJ tossed him out roughly enough that Miller fell and then slammed the door behind him.

Clarke sighed too loudly in relief. With Miller gone it was immediately easier to remember how much she despised him. He was a part of the plot to manipulate her and was one of the many to use her over and over. He might not be Spacekru but he was one of them all the same. He’d been on Octavia’s side in and after the bunker and would have obeyed a command to hurt Madi. He’d known she was sick and all of the personal things she’d shared had been while he was on babysitting duty. She couldn’t trust him.

However, the sight of him hitting the ground after lying almost convincingly as he was dragged out had inspired a flash of… Clarke chose to define it as ‘weak, stupid, not-entirely-hatred.’ In that brief span, she remembered the warmth of him holding her hand when he first came to her with his trauma, saying they’d find a way out of the darkness of their pasts together. The story he’d told her about what their future would be like which included the two of them still meeting every evening, happy and silly because she deserved it. His insistence of her innocence when she foolishly shared her deepest admission of guilt over Finn and his grin when he’d teased her with Murphy, distracting her from Echo and Bellamy interacting nearby. She remembered the soft glow of the clearing after her comforting encounter with Jackson when he held open the jacket he’d thought to bring for her, acting concerned about the chill she hadn’t noticed. 

A touch pulled her out of her thoughts and she found Madi was rubbing her back, studying her with worry. Before she could say anything she felt another and noticed that while she’d been caught in her memories RJ had drawn close, his hand heavy on her arm.

“Tell me what you want me to do,” he said simply. He didn’t need to add that the offer was limitless. Searching his face for a mere split-second revealed that eerie blankness that had become so easy to overlook but always lurked beneath his goofy charm. It promised that if she told him to follow Miller and kill him in the middle of the road, he’d head towards the door.

“We have a lot to get done today.” Clarke made her tone as chipper as she could manage, which admittedly wasn’t saying much. She gave Madi a small reassuring smile and RJ’s hand a squeeze, silently asking them to leave her reaction unaddressed. “We better get started.”

They kindly obliged though she didn’t miss the speaking glance they exchanged or the way Madi leaned into the subtle side hug RJ offered as she turned away.

Even in the middle of her breakdown Madi had said RJ might be the exception to their new ‘trust no one’ policy. Clarke wasn’t sure if she was capable of fully letting go of her suspicion towards everyone but her daughter moving forward but felt like perhaps, maybe, they could tentatively allow RJ to at least act like more than a mere business associate. His borderline unhealthy dedication to taking care of Madi and Hope provided a level of loyalty they could possibly count on and the overwhelming gratitude he’d expressed towards her since the start gave the impression he’d be less likely than most to betray her. 

With that comforting thought, Clarke started getting ready. She usually didn’t think about what she wore but now took into account the impression she needed to make, picking through Josephine’s clothes and ultimately deciding on an all black, intentionally intimidating look.

RJ asked through the door if he should get them breakfast which she approved. When she and Madi were both prepared for the day they found he’d returned and had also cleaned the mess of food and plates that had been Miller’s strategic peace offering from the floor. They ate quickly as she and Madi reviewed their plans and how they would handle their meetings. RJ didn’t contribute to the conversation but instead seemed to be holding one of his own, looking between each of them and the far wall, sometimes blankly and sometimes frowning, working through whatever his deal was as they handled theirs.

Their first meeting went well and supported their decision to meet with everyone individually. It was with a middle aged woman named Tikka and her elderly father. She was the one who had taken over distilling and distributing the tragic tasting but popular alcohol. She respectfully and carefully expressed her worry about what the changes meant for her, as those who worked in specialized capacities would be located hadn’t been one of the examples used when explaining their plan. Since it was good news Clarke let Madi be the one to assure her she’d be placed near the mess hall. Especially close, actually, in thanks for her father being one of the first to volunteer to go to Sanctum to act as a guard. Their location had actually been predetermined, as had everyone’s, but it made them feel special and pleased. Madi and Clarke took the time to engage in some general chitchat about their wellbeing and when they left were showered with an abundance of gratitude from people who had been apprehensive when they arrived. 

All of their interactions were some level of similar to that first until they neared midday. 

“Heda. Wanheda,” a man greeted as he waved them into his haphazard hut. Clarke immediately tensed. His tone lacked any of the deference they’d experienced thus far, his expression unimpressed as he turned his back to them and took the only available seat, leaving them the choice to stand or sit on the ground. They stood, of course, unwilling to be positioned where he’d be physically above them. By his feet, a girl not much older than Madi said nothing, her gaze staying fixed on her lap.

“Durhym. Leigha,” Clarke replied evenly. She had never interacted with either before but had memorized every name, taking the reigns as this conversation seemed to have the potential to be negative. She did not thank them for setting aside time to meet as she had the others. He was the first who seemed to forget that hosting them was an honor, not a request.

Clarke explained shortly that his preference to be a part of the hunting party meant they would be on the west edge of Wonkru, close to the road leading to Sanctum. This was going to allow them to drive a ways away to reach areas undisturbed by their occupation. His young sister had shared an interest in farming, shyly adding she’d be open to being enrolled in Raven’s mechanic school after being encouraged by Emori when they’d met per Clarke’s recommendation. Leigha finally looked up, eyes radiant, when Clarke explained they had heard such wonderful things about her they would like her to pursue the latter option. Clarke had begun to say that to be mindful of Leigha’s future their home would also be located somewhat toward the north when she was rudely interrupted. 

“So you’re going to control where I live based on a child’s whim rather than allowing me to stay with my people?” He did not quite sneer, he didn’t push his disrespect so far to be directly addressed, but the underlying bitterness was unmistakable. Clarke bristled and she didn’t need to see RJ to feel him do the same behind them. “And when she fails I’ll be stuck there?”

He was toeing the line enough that punishment for his tone could come off like an overreaction from a harsh and perhaps childishly overreacting Heda. That did not mean it could go unaddressed. “Your move Wanheda,” Roan whispered in the back of her mind, urging caution.

“Wonkru are your people,” she responded with thick warning in her voice, light-headed from the rush of adrenaline hitting her, refusing to acknowledge it could be health-related instead. “There is no Sangedakru. And I have every confidence Leigha will not fail. More importantly, this is a command from your Heda. I remind you, you will take the land you are given and you will be thankful. Do I need to give you a reason to appropriately appreciate this gift?”

“No, Wanheda,” the man said with quick submission but the resentment in his gaze did not lessen. “I understand.” He addressed Madi directly for the first time, adding, “Thank you.”

Madi was silent for a long beat and Clarke was proud to see the expression she wore made Durhym shift nervously in his chair before it ended. “I look forward to hearing more about your gratitude when you move into the house I will be providing you,” she said coldly and Clarke barely fought back the urge to smile.

The man nodded more meekly in acknowledgment. 

“Leigha, you’ll be contacted soon about school starting. If you have any questions please feel free to come directly to us or Raven. We’d be happy to help. You have a bright future ahead of you and we are all excited to see you reach your full potential,” Clarke said to the girl pointedly. 

Her brother doubting her ability to succeed made Clarke personally invested in ensuring she did. Leigha nodded, but unlike Durhym it was with eagerness, the possibility of a grin first appearing. 

Oh yeah. Clarke was going to make sure that kid went far. There was nothing she wouldn’t do for an underdog.

They left immediately after, not bothering to engage in small-talk and uninterested in hearing more of Durhym’s passive-aggressive sass.

Things returned to operating smoothly after that, Diyoza appearing to relieve RJ of guard duty. The two fell a little behind Madi and Clarke as they continued on to their next appointment, muttering to one another much to Clarke’s irritation. Before RJ left he shuffled to catch back up, telling Madi, “You’re killin’ it, little boss-lady. Give a holler if you need extra backup, alright? I got one of those papoose kangaroo-thingies made for Hope so I’ll have both hands free to kick whatever ass you need. See you girls soon.” He waved Hope’s hand at them in ‘goodbye’ and turned away before they could do more than grin in response.

The second to last meeting of the day was… Problematic. The older man who greeted them seemed cordial enough at first. It only a strange gleam in his eye when he watched Madi that put Clarke on edge. He readily thanked them for the land he’d be given. Then he began asking Madi questions, cheerfully smiling all the while. Questions that had nothing to do with what was happening, or their plans, or Wonkru at all. With what could pass as friendly conversation he brought up his time serving Lexa, and landmarks in Polis, and specific events. All things Madi would know if she still held the Flame. As a team they deflected each but it became difficult quickly as he insistently pressed on.

Worse than the more direct confrontation with Durhym earlier in the day, Clarke felt the walls begin to shift and press closer, careful to keep her composure in front of their audience.

Thankfully Diyoza intervened, saying they needed to move on.

“What was that about?” she asked Clarke, who was already shaking her head.

“That happens sometimes. Not usually that bad,” Madi answered and Clarke stumbled faintly.

“What? When? Why don’t I-”

“It’s always been like that.” Madi shrugged as if it was no big deal but Clarke wasn’t fooled. “Indra or Gaia are mostly with me when I’m playing Heda and when I can’t pull it off they’ve covered for me. I got the hang of doing it myself and haven’t needed help for a while so I didn’t think it would be a problem.” Madi stared down at her feet while she explained, glancing up only to shoot Clarke a remorseful and deeply guilty look. “I’m sorry. I should have thought to bring it up before we started this. I really thought I had it under control.”

The ground began to roll. 

This whole time. The whole time Madi had been under a microscope, working to pull off convincing their entire population she was the most powerful being in their culture, keeping their entire community afloat, stressing about saying the wrong word or how to answer a simple question on her own in case she was found out, and Clarke hadn’t paid enough attention. It had seemed like she was overall happy so she had never pressed for more information. This whole time Clarke had waved her goodbye and let her leave to face that by herself, every, single, day.

When she stumbled for the second time it was more pronounced and before she could get her bearings Madi had a death grip on her wrist and was hauling her off of the walkway and between two buildings. 

“Madi, stop. We need to talk about-” Clarke began, shutting up as Madi frantically started searching her pockets.

“Here,” Diyoza said, shifting so her body blocked the view of the foot traffic, shoving a piece of cloth in Clarke’s face.

With apprehension, she took it and swiped it beneath her nose and… Shit.

“One of you tell me what the hell is happening.” There was not so much concern in Diyoza’s voice as an order.

Madi didn’t acknowledge her, staring upward at Clarke without blinking. The knowledge she was scaring the shit out of her kid did nothing to alleviate Clarke’s symptoms. 

“Now,” Diyoza added. The implied demand morphed into a threat.

“I’m… Sick,” Clarke sighed. She used the time it took to clean up the bloody evidence to consider what else to say. Bellamy had already told everyone all of her secrets, including this one, so she supposed there was no point trying to hide it now. Plus, she was already entrusting Madi’s safety to Diyoza. Her own health was nothing in comparison to that.

Resigned, Clarke gave a very basic outline of what was wrong and what her symptoms were.

“And that’s from fighting off the bitch that jacked your head?”

Clarke did not feel the need to additionally explain her triggers to either of them as she suspected it would cause them to get underfoot. Instead she nodded, leaving it at that, and then held Madi’s shoulders, leaning forward so they were eye-to-eye. “When this is over I will go to Gabriel and get more treatments. This will go away and we’ll never have to worry about it again.”

“I’ll get the Rover. We can go right now,” Madi encouraged but Clarke could see that even as she said it her daughter knew that wasn’t going to happen.

“I’ll go as soon as we can, I promise. For now, we have to finish what we started if things are going to get better. When the meetings are over we’ll go. I’ll be fine.”

Madi scrubbed at her face and the movement was so ‘Bellamy’ it took Clarke aback. By the time she was focusing again Madi was nodding. “Yeah. Ok. Let’s get this over with.”

Riddled with guilt, Clarke held out her hand and Madi caught the back of it and pressed it against her own cheek, sighing. Then they reluctantly parted, knowing they couldn’t walk out into public touching.

“Yo,” Diyoza called when they began walking down the path once more. “Wrong way. Home’s that direction.” She jerked her thumb over her shoulder.

“We have one more meeting today to stay on schedule,” Madi said without emotion. Glancing towards Clarke she added, “There’s still a little blood on the right side by your lip.”

Numbly she wiped it away as they neared their destination, presenting her face for Madi’s inspection and approval before they announced their presence to the family living in the home of draped tarps they were there to see. That final meeting was without incident, thank goodness, because Clarke’s energy was running on fumes. 

That fact did not help when the relief of finally making it home was spoiled by the sound of Bellamy calling her name.

“Go inside,” she urged, waving Diyoza and Madi ahead of her.

“No. I told him not to-”

“Madi, please. I’m going to get rid of him and then we’ll rest. He’s not going to go away on his own, and if he gives you attitude about your order I’ll have to kill him and it’s been a long day.” 

Madi forced a smile at Clarke’s stupid joke as she allowed herself to be guided inside. Diyoza caught Clarke’s eye over Madi’s head and silently let her know she would keep her from coming back out which was appreciated.

Turning, she found Bellamy barely slowing his jog, sliding to a halt mere feet from where she stood. Too close. “What do you want, Bellamy?”

“I want to talk. To fix things, and apologize. When I brought you home I-”

"You brought me here to fix everything. That’s what I’m doing. You don't get to pick and choose how anymore.”

“No, no, I don’t want- I brought you here-"

"More importantly, this plan is to protect my daughter. I'm going to do whatever I want, however I want, whenever I want to make that happen. I don't need your permission."

"I'm not saying you need- Clarke, I want Madi safe too. I’ll do anything to keep her safe. Please, let me make things right. With you both. Work with me. Let me help. Together we-”

"I'll let you know if we need you for anything," Clarke said with sarcasm as she stepped back to close the door and then briefly hesitated. She meant what she said to Madi. She was going to be fine. But if she wasn’t, Diyoza might be able to look after her daughter’s safety but Bellamy, unfortunately, would need to be the one to lend a hand with Wonkru. Her new knowledge about the challenges Madi faced made that clear. It prompted her to add begrudgingly, "Out of respect for your role within Wonkru, if something is going to happen and I don't think you'll interfere I'll send someone to make you aware ahead of time. Don't make me regret that."

Too late. She regretted the words as they left her mouth. She was tired, she hated him, and this conversation was pointless. Done, Clarke began to close the door in his face.

"No. This is not happening. We are-"

When she felt him push back her eyes widened fractionally. He couldn’t seriously- 

Before she had to choose which way she was going to murder him if he forced his way into her house, a hand landed next to hers. “Baby-princess is in her room. You girls chill; I’ll bring you your dinner in a bit,” Diyoza said calmly as she stopped Bellamy’s advance.

Clarke nodded in exhausted thanks and headed towards where Madi waited, refusing to worry about what was going on in the doorway because she knew with certainty he was not going to get past Diyoza. Not with all of his limbs attached, at least.

“Sorry, bud. No hard feelings,” she heard Diyoza say lightly as she entered Madi’s room, closing the door behind her to muffle the sound of his obnoxious, deep voice.

“I should kill him,” Madi mused from where she laid on her back, an arm flung over her face.

“If I had a nickel for every time I thought that…” Clarke sighed wistfully as she climbed onto the bed, pleased to see her daughter smile as she wrapped around her to cuddle.

“Today sucked,” Madi commented after a long yawn.

“Sure did.” Clarke nestled her face further into Madi’s hair, relishing the opportunity to hold her after a whole day of being so close but having to stay apart. “Good news is this is the worst of it. We make it through this and things will get easier.”

“And you’ll start your treatments to get better.”

“And I’ll start my treatments to get better,” Clarke confirmed. “I know that you’re worried and you know how much I hate that you’re involved in this at all. We just have to remember that it has to get done to make your future better. Things will be better soon. I’ll make sure of it.”

“‘Kay,” Madi yawned again, wiggling to get closer, and Clarke was moved by her faith as her own eyelids began to grow heavy.

It felt like in the span of a blink she was opening her eyes again to find the room several shades darker. Before she could react upon seeing movement out of the corner of her eye Diyoza said, “Just me, just me. I come bearing gifts.”

Carefully freeing herself from Madi, Clarke sat up to see Diyoza holding up their dinners.

“Thank you,” she groggily whispered. Glancing at Madi her brow creased. “Maybe I should let her sleep…”

“Nope. Up and at ‘em kiddo,” Diyoza said loudly, setting down their food to clap her hands, turning Clarke’s frown into a scowl. The other woman chuckled. “You know your kid best but I know battle. Rest is important but keeping your strength up is how you win. Chop chop, ladies. Sooner this is down the hatch the less likely I am to start singing Yankee Doodle Dandy to break your will to defy me.”

Madi held her arms out like a zombie while half-awake and Diyoza pulled her into a sitting position before setting her plate down in her lap. She similarly dropped off Clarke’s and then left, returning with one of the comfortable fireside seats. Once settled she started on her own meal, pausing mid-bite when she saw Clarke hadn’t touched her food yet, the promise of violence in her stare.

Clarke put her hands up in surrender and began eating.

Faster than she would have expected all of it was gone, Madi falling straight back, barely swallowing her last bite before she was out again.

“Mental exhaustion and stress can kick your ass harder than fighting any day,” Diyoza clucked sympathetically, picking up both of their plates. “Alright, before you pass out on me again, when you wake up RJ is going to be here. Don’t panic and start stabbing all willy-nilly, you got me? He’s one hell of a nanny and I don’t want to find a replacement for him just yet.”

“You mean in the morning? I wake up at dawn so I don’t-”

“We are now on a 24-hour watch cycle. He’s going to hunt me down when I don’t show up when I said I would and when he gets here I’ll give him the news. He’ll take over for the rest of the night. I’ll be back for you in the morning and I’ll bring food.”

“Are you doing this because you think Madi is in danger or because you know I’m sick?”

“Does it matter? Our deal is I won’t let anything happen to you two, and I’m not going to let you make me a liar.”

“Madi. Our deal is you protect Madi,” Clarke clarified emphatically. Their focus needed to be on Madi and Madi alone.

“That’s what I said. Look, my way you’re going to have extra eyes on her at night. You want to keep her safe so that’s a good thing. If you happen to pass out or bleed out or whatever, we’ll be here so Madi isn’t undefended. If we’re feeling generous maybe, possibly, we might provide medical attention or something. What’s the downside?”

Clarke wanted to say that having them in her business all of the time was a downside but knew she was likely just grumpy from sleep deprivation and worry. What Diyoza was saying did make sense. Of course she wanted extra guards on Madi, and it was a good idea to have someone on hand if something happened and Clarke couldn’t protect her.

She didn’t have to nod, Diyoza seeing her acceptance. “Great. You are now cleared to hit the hay. See ya on the other side, queenie.”

Clarke almost fell back into the bed, tempted by the peace of sleeping curled up by Madi again. However, no matter how tired she was, she couldn’t manage to be that stupid. 

Lifting a hand to Diyoza that encompassed ‘thanks’, ‘good night’, ‘bye’, and ‘see you later’, Clarke shuffled to her own room, tugged on some stupid socks, grabbed the towel she’d preemptively set aside, laid it down where her head would be to catch what she suspected would be the inevitable black stream that was coming, and was back asleep still wearing her clothes before she could spare a thought about the day.

When she awoke, true to Diyoza’s word, RJ was there. Clarke still didn’t trust him but it was hard to push away someone who was so eager to please and ultimately impossible to avoid joking around with. She actually tried, at first. Simply impossible. Diyoza arrived with breakfast for all of them and she explained the new schedule as they ate.

The day passed similarly to the one before, excepting the fact that they experienced their first rainfall. It was light and the temperature was colder but not freezing, Gabriel’s information regarding the mildness of Alpha’s seasons coming to mind. Also, Clarke had three nosebleeds rather than one. Madi was upset by each which only made it worse, meanwhile Diyoza clinically handled the situation while hiding the evidence, which was enormously helpful. 

Often throughout the day she’d catch sight of her former ‘friends’ milling around wherever she and Madi were at, visible but not close enough to be considered near. Madi’s threat seemed to be working and thankfully she seemed to not notice them at all, her focus consumed by discussing what had been said with the last people they met and what they expected with the next. Knowing they were still watching to ensure she didn’t die before doing what they needed did nothing to improve Clarke’s mood though she kept a smile on her face as often as she could to boost Madi’s moral and said nothing about who she’d spotted. 

The fourth morning RJ was the first to acknowledge the others still existed, saying to Clarke while Madi got ready for the day, “Emori said she’d give me her machete if I asked you to speak with her.” Clarke stiffened in anger at RJ picking their side but before she could respond he continued. “Not that I’m saying you should. But if I were to say the words… And you said the word ‘no’… You wouldn’t have to see her and I’d have a new machete.” RJ’s expression was that of a mischievous child. “It’s a really nice machete, Clarke.”

Simply impossible. Smiling despite herself Clarke waved him to go on.

“Is it ok if I let Emori close enough to talk to you?”

“No.”

“Thanks. You’re the best.”

Sure enough, when she saw him next it was with a new weapon proudly hanging at his side. He patted it and winked, forcing Clarke to shake her head in exasperation.

The hours passed quickly and each day flew by. While in theory that was ideal, in reality, each was worse than the last. She and Madi were both perpetually exhausted, the mental acrobats of pleasing, threatening, accommodating, sidestepping, and endearing themselves to people from dawn until dusk taking a toll. She couldn’t tell if it was her disposition or reality that made it seem like more and more of their encounters had nuanced pushback, and paranoia over it tortured her when she woke choking on blood every night. Clarke’s symptoms were steadily becoming more and more of a problem and hiding them became an enormous task of its own. Their existence was a burden on not only Clarke’s ability to get the job done but also on Madi’s stress levels. Clarke tried to think of how to pause their plan but going to Sanctum would take a minimum of a full day and things were so touchy it seemed like an unnecessary risk. They were getting by. They were setting up a world in which Madi wouldn’t have to spend the rest of her life living like this. They could take it as a team for a few more days.

She told herself that again and again as she put her head down and bore the brunt of their task, hating herself for not knowing how to get Madi out of the hell they were currently stuck in faster.

The final morning Clarke got up with a tentative feeling of hope and pride. They’d done it. One more day. That night they’d go to sleep with that one big push out of the way. She was certain there was still going to be danger and discontent in the days to come, she wasn’t naive, but the phase that was ending was a huge milestone and she wanted to appreciate it.

She managed to for the couple minutes it took for her to realize Madi was gone.

By the time RJ and Madi walked back in, which she knew couldn’t be more than a few moments, she’d already ripped on her clothes and was arming herself to begin fighting her way through whoever had her child. That meant she had no patience or interest whatsoever in the immediately obvious strangeness of RJ’s appearance and cold behavior when they returned. 

“How dare you-”

Madi stepped between them, holding her hands up in his defense. “Clarke, I couldn’t sleep. I asked him to take me to get breakfast for you. I wanted to walk around. It’s not his fault-”

“The hell it’s not! How do you think I felt, waking up and finding you missing? I thought someone- I thought-”

“I’m sorry,” Madi said, sounding truly and perhaps excessively remorseful, rushing forward to hug Clarke and taking most of the fight out of her that easily. “I didn’t mean to scare you. I just wanted to be outside without it being on some mission. RJ kept me safe. I’m fine. I’m… I’m so sorry."

The little fracture in Madi’s voice had Clarke’s fear transforming from being about Madi’s safety to her well-being. “Hey,” she soothed, lowering to her haunches so she could look up into Madi’s eyes. “What’s wrong? What happened?”

“Nothing. I’m just… I’m tired.”

Feeling especially emotional at the moment was something Clarke could understand. They had one more day. As much as she wanted to get into why RJ and Madi should have at least woken her first or left a note, it wasn’t the time. They’d get through the day, sleep, and she knew that personally she’d be able to address the matter more calmly in the morning before they headed to Sanctum. At the moment her head was pounding and her ability to focus was precarious at best.

Their meal was an uncomfortable one. RJ might as well have been made of stone which Madi was studiously pretending to not notice. Clarke might be willing to put the pure panic she’d felt as a result of him taking Madi without telling her aside for the moment but it did not make her interested in babying him, so she didn’t ask any questions. Whatever was wrong with him could wait. They had enough on their hands. 

That proved to be true when Clarke nearly fell after the first of their meetings. There hadn’t been a specific trigger that set off the dizzy spell so strong she could barely catch herself against the pile of construction lumber they were thankfully passing. She was simply worn too thin. Madi and RJ had been a few steps ahead and didn’t notice so Clarke took a breath, dusted off her hands, and clenched her jaw with determination as she hurried to catch up without saying a word.

As they painfully made it through each encounter, putting everything into playing their roles as well as they had the first day, Clarke’s dread grew. She’d left Edzun for last. Her thought behind that originally had been that he’d be sure to be their biggest challenge and knowing the whole ordeal would be over when they made it through him would make it easier. Now she felt like she’d set a trap at the end of the tunnel leading towards the light. 

Not long before they needed to meet with him Clarke’s nosebleed was one that did not want to end. Careful to avoid notice and strategically covering her lower face with the scarf she’d once created to hide the scratches on her chest, they made their way back home. As much as she wanted to push through and get it over with, there was no way she could face down Edzun until she got herself under control. 

Knowing Madi was having a hard time seeing her like that, Clarke asked through the wad of cloth she was holding over her nose for RJ to take her out for another walk. Madi had said earlier that it made her feel better. Clarke didn’t add that despite her aggravation she did know RJ wouldn’t let anything happen to her. At the moment the worst thing that could happen would be to force Madi to stand there and watch Clarke keep struggling without there being any way to help. 

They both immediately refused her suggestion, not wanting to leave her, and Clarke told them with sincerity that having them there was more stressful than helpful. They’d meet up in a half-hour in front of the mess hall and go to Edzun’s together from there. Seeing the finality of Clarke’s decision Madi gave up first, heading to the door and holding it open for RJ to follow, who finally had enough movement returning to his face to show a modicum of concerned hesitation. 

“Go, go,” Clarke shooed, shutting and latching the door behind them. The moment she did she let herself fall against it and slide down to the floor.

“Just a minute,” she promised herself aloud. “You can rest for one minute.”

“The great Wanheda is human after all,” Roan commented with a snicker after that hard-earned minute was up, her only but constant companion the past week outside of Madi. 

“Shut up,” she moaned in halfhearted annoyance. All the same, it was motivation enough to claw her way back to her feet.

Keeping her movements slow to combat the precarious relationship she was maintaining with staying upright, Clarke found a new rag, grabbed a new shirt, and brought a bowl of water to the kitchen table. Taking mindfully deep, even breaths she calmed her mind by focusing on one simple task at a time: stopping the bleeding, cleaning herself of stray black streaks, changing into a clean top, and then composing herself. 

In the silence, of the many thoughts demanding her attention, one slipped through due to Roan’s influence on her getting back to her feet. Clarke bit her cheek to stay focused on the goal of finding and keeping a semblance of serenity when it hit her. She knew that tomorrow, when this was over, she wouldn’t hesitate to get to Gabriel and into that horrendous goddamn lab. However, there was a tiny part of her that would regret receiving treatment solely because she suspected that on the other side her friend would be gone. Logically she was aware that all of the things she’d heard Roan say were merely memories. She was perfectly capable of bringing them to mind herself if she really wanted to. What was making it feel real was what was wrong with her. However, she also knew how much she didn’t want him to go.

“Survival requires sacrifice,” Roan had once said to her in Becca’s lab. Then, it had been about performing human experiments with the hope they could save mankind. Now, Clarke knew it meant zapping out the part of her brain that was his voice for the sake of saving herself. She knew she’d do it, she knew he’d want her to, and she knew it was going to break her heart to feel like she was losing him all over again. The ghost of him was the only friend she had left.

Checking the time, Clarke realized she ought to get moving towards the mess hall. It was going to take her a while to get there without pushing herself.

She didn’t make it far before she got a better idea of the state she was in. Her vision swam and her feet tripped over nothing more than not. It became apparent that ‘pushing herself’ was a concept long since passed.

Clarke couldn’t be seen like this. She certainly couldn’t confront anyone like this. It would be incredibly stupid to leave the troublesome Edzun unaddressed, especially at such a vital and pivotal point, but Clarke recognized what she was feeling was similar to how she’d been in Gabriel’s tent when her level of blood loss had begun to force her body into shock. She should have gotten someone to steal blood bags from the medical tent to top herself off when the nose bleeds had become so persistent, but she’d felt so confident that they were nearing the end of their ordeal and that she could make it the thought had honestly not occurred to her. Her bleary mind and complete focus on their task could have also contributed. 

Waiting to head to Sanctum was no longer an option. RJ and Madi would come for her when she didn’t show and then they would leave. That moment. The issue of Edzun had to wait, no matter the problems it could create. She’d handle them once she was healthy enough to think straight.

Movement caught her eye as she turned back. Clarke did her best to hurry without falling over. She wasn’t doing this. She didn’t want to ever, but she outright COULDN’T at that moment. Her promise to never flee again didn’t account for-

Clarke got the door open and was halfway through it when Echo barreled in after her, slamming it behind them both.

“You said you were leaving,” she seethed.

Clarke maintained eye contact and kept her spine straight as she edged towards the nearby table. “Yeah, well, you said you’d take care of Madi. Guess we’re both liars."

“Is this funny to you? You’re ruining our lives and you think it’s a joke?”

“Hilarious,” she confirmed, reaching her destination and sitting on the table’s edge to brace herself. Clarke chided herself. That was a stupid thing to say; baiting Echo wasn’t going to help anything. She couldn’t figure out how to recover so instead focused on the act of holding herself together as best as she could until this was over. The dampness she felt on her face meant the hard-won pause of her nosebleed was over and Clarke pulled out the rag she’d shoved into her pocket and put it to use. 

“What is wrong with you?” Echo asked, though not about Clarke’s physical deterioration. “Bellamy told me what you said to him. He’s done nothing but sacrifice for our people, for you, for your daughter, and you intentionally tried to hurt him. You’ve never deserved him; his friendship or his respect. You are making that clear. He’s forced everyone to at least pretend to forgive you for one horrible thing after another and that’s how you repay him. You make me sick.”

Echo dealt each of her words like a punch and Clarke felt every one. 

She had plenty to say in response to that. None of it made its way to her lips. Her vision had doubled, two Echo’s were attacking her rather than one. Them ganging up on her was too much to take on alone. As the pair of Echo’s drew nearer, getting into her space, Clarke put every effort into keeping her expression unafraid beneath the rag she held to her lower face. The truth was that she didn’t feel that way at all. Unafraid. If Echo tried to kill her again, as she had before the fight for Eden, Clarke would be helpless to stop her.

But if the Ground had taught her one thing it was how to fake being strong no matter how she felt.

To stem her fear she internally repeated a version of what she’d long ago said to Roan, when she had the real energy to be defiant. “If she was going to kill me she would have done it already.”

Roan warned, “There’s still time.”

Taking his concern seriously, Clarke observed Echo more closely through her daze and could see his worry wasn’t unwarranted. The spy’s forever carefully stoic face had lost a portion of control, a sliver of nearly manic hatred shining through. 

Echo’s fists were clenching and unclenching as if barely holding herself back from closing them around Clarke’s throat. Strangling her was clearly one of Echo and Bellamy’s shared hobbies. Made sense. They didn't have much more than blind loyalty, one-track minds, and a willingness to betray people in common. Bonding over who and how they tried to kill someone was a bonding experience to add to their pathetic list of why they deserved each other.

“In that case, feel free to avoid me. In fact, I insist. I’ll move away from you. You ignore me, I ignore you, and we can all live happily ever after,” Clarke said, hoping her voice didn’t sound as off as she felt. The room had begun spinning so fast her nausea was back in full force.

“That’s not good enough. The shit you’ve started has impacted my family, and I'm not going to allow that to happen. Someone has to protect them from you. We survived the horrors of our past, the Ring, you and Octavia in Eden, Sanctum. We deserve to be happy, and you are the only thing in our way anymore.” Echo placed a sprawled hand on her lower belly. “Bellamy and I are going to be bringing a baby into this world and we can’t have our family bickering because of you. Neither of us want to raise a child with the Commander of Death next door. You said you would go because you know it’s what’s best for Wonkru. That’s still true. You’ve gotten the ball rolling for Madi to be fine. Now you should go before you ruin it; we all know it’s only a matter of time. You know as well as I do it’s inevitable that people will start getting hurt. If you don’t care enough about everyone, about Madi, to stop it before things go too far, I will. I’m not going to let you hurt Bellamy, or our children, or our family, or our people.”

“Get out,” Clarke choked. When Echo did not instantaneously obey she flung her bloody rag at her, hitting Echo directly in the face, and to the best of her ability yelled, “Get out!”

Whether she did or not right away, Clarke couldn’t tell. She didn’t want to look and even if she did she couldn’t spare the energy. Falling to her knees, she braced her hands on the floor to try to find some balance in the heaving turbulence of the world around her.

She hated him, Clarke reminded herself frantically. He and Echo were going to make each other miserable and they deserved it. She had her own family to focus on. She had her own child. His wasn’t any of her business. She hated him and she didn’t care. 

Her head was resting on the floor by the time she realized she was losing her battle. Clarke tried to get back up - she had to get back up - but her limbs were too heavy to move.

The edges of her vision began to darken and distantly Clarke felt a consuming dread. She knew what that meant. She’d felt this way before. Her knee-jerk expectation was for Russel to appear looming above her as everything grew slowly more and more out of focus.

Instead of the vanishing room around her Clarke began to make out something else. It was still so dark, but there was the faintest flicker of torches. For the first time since he’d died Clarke saw Roan’s face outside her own drawings. He stood above the stairs leading down into the pitch-black bunker, gesturing towards them. “After you, Wanheda,” he said gently. 

“I didn’t get to say goodbye,” Clarke thought. The pain that caused was enough to recall there was a real world and that what she saw wasn’t it. There was more than just the cool darkness waiting in front of her. But it felt so, so far away.

Roan nodded. He hadn’t either. “We die knowing we did everything we could to save our people,” he reminded Clarke softly. 

Hearing him repeat that, Clarke found herself begin to ease into a place of comfort. She did know that. At the end of the day - at the end of her life - she did. She didn’t want to go. She didn’t want to die. That fact was no less true now than it had ever been. But with Roan’s words… At least, if this was really it, she held a kernel of peace within herself as she did. Because she had. She had done everything she could, far past lines anyone else would cross, to save her people. They were alive. She’d made sure of it, no matter the cost.

When she’d told Bellamy all that was left of her was a fight he’d promised her it wasn’t true. He’d said that they all carried pieces of her as a result of everything she’d sacrificed for them. Now, if she had no choice but to follow that path into the dark, she could take with her the assurance that at least they would be left. 

She took one step and then another towards the stairwell, a sense of quiet tranquility increasing with each.

“No, no.” Clarke heard someone whispering from a million miles away. “Clarke.”

“Get blood bags. Go.” Another voice said, even less clear than the first. 

“Clarke, get up. Clarke, please, get up,” that first voice said a little louder. So familiar. “Don’t leave me. I need you. Clarke, please, please…”

Madi. That voice was Madi. 

“I need you. Please don’t leave me. Get up, Clarke, please,” her daughter sobbed, more decipherable than before, and Clarke backed away from the stairs. 

She couldn't go. She wasn’t going anywhere. Madi was crying for her to get up. So she was going to. She didn’t know how but she knew there was nothing that could stop her.

The Roan at her side lost his shroud of empathetic grief and gave her a crooked grin. “Fight it is then.”

And she did. Tooth and nail, Clarke tore at the soft scene around her until she could make out traces of something on the other side. There was pain but there was also a future.

“I got her hooked up, give it a sec,” said that other voice from before.

Octavia was hovering behind Madi. “Come on, Clarke, come on,” she urged lowly, “you got this. You’re a fighter. Fight, Clarke. Come on…”

Fragment by fragment the world began to reform into something real. Madi’s hands clutching her desperately. Octavia hugging Madi from behind, rocking her. Diyoza kneeling by her side, holding up a blood bag that was attached by an IV into Clarke’s own arm. 

Clarke used the same immeasurable strength she’d needed to fight her way back into the world to hoarsely breathe, “I’m here. It’s ok, Madi. I’m here.”

Octavia’s embrace was the only thing that lessened the weight of Madi throwing herself across her in relief. The girl wept and Clarke worked her hand upward until she could start trying to stroke Madi’s hair in comfort, assuring her she was there with what energy she could spare.

“I knew it,” Octavia sniffed, running a rough hand under her eyes. “Nothing keeps Clarke Griffin down.” When Clarke smiled faintly Octavia gave up the pretense and her face crumpled. She insisted again, “I knew it,” as several more tears escaped.

“Good job,” was all Diyoza said. She kept her gaze averted but a shaft of light from the setting sun hit them at just the right angle to highlight the edge of wetness lining her lower lids. “Now,” she cleared her throat, all business. “I’ve got you hooked up to some fresh blood but you’re still bleeding. This fix is only going to last so long.”

“Gabriel,” she and Madi answered in unison. Madi continued, “We need to get her to Sanctum. Gabriel can help."

“Got it. Big guy, can we get an assist over here?”

RJ appeared and while Clarke was barely alive and worried sick over Madi, she found room to be worried about him too. He was an obvious mess, his face torn between emotionless and devastated. He was a jigsaw puzzle that was painful to look at and Clarke knew with newfound certainty that she was someday going to help him put himself together into something that made sense. Someday. She had the time. She had a lifetime ahead of her still.

Clarke hated that she needed to be carried but the fact was she obviously did, so she bit her cheek and accepted it as they worked to delicately transfer her from the floor into his hold. 

“You’ve got to be kidding,” Diyoza said distractedly following Clarke’s request to be covered as she finished getting them adjusted. “You’re really worried about-”

Octavia was already returning. “Just do what she wants,” she said shortly, swinging out the green blanket Murphy had once given her to hide her pathetic figure under, puffing it to fan over RJ’s shoulder so she had a little extra pocket to breathe in. Clarke tried to say ‘thanks’ but knew it was likely lost in the material covering her from view.

“Alright, Madi, go with Octavia and get a Rover ready and running. Me and RJ are right behind you,” Diyoza instructed. Then Clarke felt nothing but the stifling heat of RJ’s body combined with the blanket, and the quick sway of his steps. Then- “Get your shit together, Griffin.” Diyoza’s tone was aggressively casual, clearly putting in hard work for it. “If you ever scare that kid like this again, I’ll kill you. You got it?”

“Noted,” Clarke slurred, though probably still too faintly to be heard. 

The sound of an engine rumbling drawing close was a relief. The raised voices, not so much.

“She’s useful, remember? You said she was useful.” Murphy was saying in a rush. “Tell me what’s happening. Whatever’s wrong-”

“You can help by getting out of my way. This is all her fault. All of it is her fault! If Clarke dies so does Raven.”

“If… Clarke… What?!”

“RJ, right here,” Clarke heard Diyoza order, and then she was being shifted into a passenger seat, her blanket falling away in the process. 

Looking up the first thing Clarke saw was Emori’s face which transformed instantly from startled concern to ghost white shock, the toolkit she was holding falling from her hands. The metal objects hitting the ground caused clanging sounds that ricocheted, drawing the ensuing argument to a halt, everyone frozen in place. Raven with her hands held up innocently behind her drafting table, looking gray and horrified as she took in Clarke. Emori over by a generator under construction. Madi pointing a furious finger at Raven while Octavia and Murphy stood in the wide space between them. 

After a stunned pause Murphy said, “Holy shit,” and started towards Clarke. “What happened? What-”

“No,” Madi thundered, stopping him in his tracks. “You don’t go near her. None of you. This is your fault. You did this.”

“Madi…” Clarke urged. There was no point. They needed to go and more importantly she was mortified for them to see her in the state she was in.

“Please let us help.” Emori stepped straight through her fallen tools, inching closer like Madi was a wolf she wanted to release from a trap. “Tell us what you need. We just want to help Clarke.”

“Want to help…” Madi’s laugh was so cold it made the hair on Clarke’s neck stand. “That’s rich. You did this to her and NOW you want to help. What you can do is stay the hell away from us. You think I don’t see you lurking around? I thought I’d prefer to not kill you so I let it go but then you almost killed Clarke. Again! We are going to Sanctum and when we get back the next one of you I see goes in the radiation fence. If you’re lucky. Don’t- Actually, you know what, do test me on that. I just watched my mom almost die. Again! Maybe watching one of you die instead will make up for it.”

“Madi,” Clarke said with as much force as she could manage, “that’s enough. Let’s go.”

“Go to Sanctum, like the lab? Let me help,” Murphy entreated, sounding very much unlike his usual cool and collected self. “I was there before. I know how to help. Let me come and I’ll-”

“Diyoza, get in. RJ, Octavia,” Madi snapped, eyes still on Murphy. “Don’t let them follow us. Slash the Rover tires, smash the engines, smash anyone’s legs who try to walk,” she commanded with vicious intensity. “No one comes after us. Anyone who does, dies. Is that understood?”

“Yes, Heda,” Octavia said with grim, sad reluctance.

RJ didn’t bother saying anything at all. The moment Madi had begun giving her order he’d pulled out the machete he’d swindled off of Emori and started carving up tires.

“As honored as I’d be to go with,” Diyoza said carefully, “I think RJ may be a better choice. I have a distraction you don’t need,” she patted where Hope had miraculously slept in the carrier on her chest the entire time, “and I think in the interest of people not being hurt before you mean for them to be, RJ should maybe take a breather. That work for you?”

“Fine. RJ, let’s go. Diyoza, finish those tires.” With that, Madi climbed into the driver’s seat.

“You got it,” Diyoza replied amicably. When RJ stalked past she tried to catch his arm to whisper something but didn’t slow, climbing into the back of the Rover and closing the door with force so excessive Clarke dimly wondered if he’d bent the metal. The last thing she heard in Wonkru was Diyoza as she closed her door, saying gravely, “Feel better, queenie. I think we’re gonna need you in tip-top shape real soon.”

Rocks flew as Madi peeled out and Clarke fought to turn around to ensure Diyoza had moved out of the way enough for her and Hope to be clear of the debris. Seeing they had, she collapsed back and tried to focus on her breathing. She was still bleeding. She knew there were extra blood bags but it seemed like a good idea to keep the original batch in than to keep on pumping in more. The movement of the Rover was making the nausea the spinning world was continuing to create worse, so Clarke closed her eyes to fight against it.

“Madi… About-”

“Not right now. Please. We’ll be in Sanctum soon. We’ll talk soon. Please, rest.”

The sweet and vulnerable sound of Madi’s voice was that of the girl she knew, unlike the one that had just snarled in Raven’s garage. Already close to unconsciousness as it was, it was no great surprise her body immediately felt like her suggestion was a good one and her lids began to drop.

“Ok, but Madi…”

“We’ll be in Sanctum soon. We’ll get you better and we’ll figure the rest out. Please, Clarke. Please, just rest.”

Clarke distantly knew there were important things to be said but the rhythmic bumping of the road, the exhaustion, and the blood loss had her slipping into sleep before she knew what hit her. 

That was why she thought she was having a nightmare at first. Clarke’s eyes opened to find that it was fully night but there was light ahead. A flickering light, sort of like the torches that had lit her way toward the darkness of death. She blinked several times, taking in Madi, understanding they were in the Rover, recollecting why, and then looking ahead to make sense of what she saw. 

When she did, Clarke’s heart stopped. Those lights weren’t torches. The light was Sanctum. 

Sanctum was burning.


	26. Bellamy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> STORY NOTE:  
> \- We will be breaking with tradition and the next chapter will also be Bellamy. The events that need to take place before we get back to Clarke are not fully covered.  
> \- I posted what I have now because A) this chapter is already record-breaking long and with the second half it was getting grotesquely overwhelming, B) the point of this for me is chatting with you guys and it would be impossible to discuss anything with a post that long and C) I figured it was better to get this out now than drag out putting up the chapter until it was all ready.  
> \- The above being said, I have the vast majority of the next chapter already done because I thought it would be going up with this guy. I have a complicated part I need to work through but as soon as I manage it you'll get Bellamy's second half!
> 
> PERSONAL NOTE:  
> \- Boy, maybe in this lifetime I'll be able to thank you enough but it seems unlikely. Getting to share this with you guys is my number one uncomplicated joy in the whole world right now!  
> \- I check my inbox every day and your comments mean everything. I'm sorry I haven't been as great about getting back to them in a timely manner lately! When my interest in writing is nonexistent (frequently now thanks to Season 7 kinda ruining my enjoyment of the whole show for me) going back to read what you've written gives me the motivation to get back at it and I figure you'd prefer that energy goes into actually making the damn thing than going on tangents about all the great stuff you're saying. Since I have the second part almost done hopefully I can try to catch up!  
> \- You're my favorite people :)

Bellamy rolled his shoulders to try to relieve some of the tension. It was pointless, he knew, but the habit was ingrained. 

Was he feeling overwhelmingly anxious and desperate? Yes. Was there still a part of him that could not accept that the dream that had gotten him through every awful experience, that had finally seemed like it could be a reality, now felt a million miles away? Yes. Was he not even sure how to begin getting it back? Yes. Was he going to let that stop him? Hard no.

Hyping himself up for the challenges the day ahead would hold, Bellamy opened his front door on a mission and nearly tripped over his sister as she came tumbling in. 

“‘Morning,” she said up at him blearily, having clearly been asleep with her back against the wood.

“What are you doing?” Bellamy pulled her to her feet as Octavia gave an intense yawn. “How long have you been out here?”

“Awhile.” When Bellamy continued to stare at her in question, stepping further outside and shutting the door behind him so as not to wake Echo, she shrugged. “All night.”

“What? Why?”

“To stop you from doing anything stupid.”

“Such as…”

“Such as going over to Clarke’s uninvited.” Octavia inspected the blanket that she’d been covered in with deep confusion. Ultimately she simply hummed and wrapped it around her shoulders.

Bellamy tried to keep his face straight but knew he wasn’t fooling her. He was absolutely intending to head straight to Clarke’s house and had fought the urge to do so several times through the night. Knowing her, there was a chance she could be too upset to sleep, but he’d held off for the sole sake of not waking her if that wasn’t the case. Knowing she was an early riser his eyes had obediently opened before dawn had even broke.

“Don’t,” Octavia warned. “You’ll only make things worse.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I do. You need to give her some time to cool down. She deserves some space to take care of herself and Madi.”

“I gave her space last time and that’s what made it worse. I’m not-”

“There isn’t a be-all-end-all answer when someone is upset,” Octavia said as she grabbed his shirt when he began to step around her. “Last time she was depressed and grieving and we all assumed - we all listened to Echo - and we left her alone when she needed us. Now she’s PISSED. That’s a whole different deal. When I tried to talk to her she made it pretty clear that’s not what she wants and she deserves us respecting that. Not to mention, when Diyoza came home last night… She didn’t give any details but it wasn’t hard to read between the lines. Clarke should not be messed with right now.” Octavia’s expression morphed from worried warning to regretful sadness in a blink. “We both know she’s going to forgive us eventually,” she whispered, sounding sorrowed by that admission. “Whether we deserve it or not - and we don’t - Clarke will always be Clarke.”

Bellamy wanted to believe that more than he could say. All the same, he thought of the icy coldness of her anger. That was not the Clarke he knew better than he knew himself. The one he’d been 100% certain would come home with him when he’d chased her to Sanctum. He remembered Murphy’s point and it was good enough to quote, and one of his truest fears at the moment. “With Madi involved? And how many times-”

“As unfair as it is, Clarke is Clarke,” she repeated. “It’s not going to be easy and it’s probably going to take a lot longer and a lot more work, but…” Octavia released his shirt and smoothed the wrinkles her fist had created, the real intention of her touch more comforting than helpful. “I think we can both agree it’ll be worth it no matter what it takes. For now, don’t pressure her. You’re going to make it worse. She’ll probably forgive you before any of us and I can’t have you screwing that up.”

“I can’t make things better if-”

Octavia cut him off. As much as he knew his sister, even after everything that happened, there was a look on her face he couldn’t entirely place. “I know how much… In the bunker, before you…” There was an uncomfortable pause, the topic of him poisoning her still unaddressed between them. During it he reached behind him to confirm his front door had really shut, weirdly and urgently concerned it wasn’t. It was. He didn’t want to wake Echo. “I know what she means to you,” Octavia ended up saying. “I saw you in the Rover when we were rescued from the gorge. When you assumed it was Clarke next to Madi and when you realized it wasn’t. I was there, before Praimfya, all the times-”

“What’s your point?” Bellamy cleared his throat. His voice had come out so gruffly it broke. It was still so early. Sometimes it did that early in the morning.

“What I’m trying to say is I think you know that-”

Movement next door distracted them both.

It was Miller. Miller being thrown out of Clarke’s house with so much force he went sprawling in the dirt, hitting the ground hard. By the time they jogged to his side he’d only rolled over, staring up at the sky, wiping blood from his mouth. 

When Octavia offered him a hand up he took his time to accept it, guarded as he did.

His friend didn’t have to be asked what happened. “Clarke was not in the mood for a house call.”

Octavia lifted her brows and made a motion towards Bellamy that said ‘see?’

“Clarke did this to you?”

“No, her guard dog.”

“RJ,” O groaned, sounding as annoyed by that guy’s very existence as ever.

“That’s the one. Hey, uhm… Madi ended up being a part of the, uh, conversation.” Miller dropped his gaze and began dusting himself off. “She said that she was giving her one and only warning that we had to stay away from them or she’d start following through on her threat. Bellamy… I… I think she might mean it. Or close enough. On top of that, Clarke was right there and she seemed cool with that plan.” Glancing back up he bit his lip, then winced. "I’ve never seen her like that.”

Yeah. Clarke not caring? None of them had. 

“Bell, this is proof what I’m saying is true. Earning her trust back is going to be a marathon, not a sprint. Don’t try to force her to listen to you. At the end of the day doing that is for your benefit, not hers. Clarke made it very clear she feels like what we want has always come first and she’s not wrong. We should try to respect the boundaries she’s making, show her what she says matters, and that we care how we can, but don’t push her right now. If you bulldoze over what she says you’ll be proving her right.”

“Since when have you become the Clarke expert?” Miller asked, now unable to hide his hostility. “Last I recall you were happily going to execute her. Madi too.”

Octavia didn’t defend herself. Bellamy was the one to step in, snapping. “And I remember you were happily going to let her. Back off.”

Miller did exactly that, literally taking a step away, his expression shuttering close.

In turn, Octavia was the one to speak on his behalf. “That was my decision and my sin to carry, not his.” Then, to them both, she began to hesitantly croak through explaining herself. “It’s also why of all the things I need to live with, of all the things I… I understand perfectly now why Clarke has done the things she’s done, how she feels about it, how awful I was to her after and even before Praimfya… And you know, after all the ways I hurt her and could have hurt Madi, Clarke’s still one of the first people to reach out to me with kindness. Protecting the two of them is… Is high priority for me.” Octavia glanced his way, revealing the true pain in her eyes, before quickly turning to stare at nothing again. “That includes protecting her relationship with you, big brother. Neither of you is ever going to be ok without the other. You’re too close to see this logically, so please trust me. I promise you I have the best intentions and despite our past, I understand her more than you might think. Give Clarke space for now. I’ll look out for her until she’s ready. Trust me.”

Bellamy recalled his recent revelation regarding how similar the two were. How after everything they’ve been through somehow they’ve always ended up being there for each other. He’d gotten things so wrong lately - so often, actually - and despite how huge her transgressions were O had managed to start fixing her relationship with Clarke. He wasn’t sure of what to do for her. For now, he’d rely on someone who knew Clarke so well; who was cut from the same incredible cloth. 

He dipped his head to Octavia to show his reluctant agreement and she smiled at him sadly.

“Clarke is Clarke,” she repeated once again, touching his arm and casting a quick glance at Miller. “We’ve gotten a lot very, very wrong but we know her and she knows us. No matter how long it takes someday we’ll find a way back to each other. Don’t give up hope on that. Just give her as much time as she wants. We owe her that.”

The three of them didn’t say goodbye. After shuffling their feet in awkward wordlessness they broke apart, each headed their own direction to try to make it through the day knowing they’d made the most selfless, forgiving, kind woman they knew hate them.

Everything he’d meant about leaving Clarke and Madi alone vanished when he caught sight of them returning home that evening. He’d spent every minute worried and apparently his self-control was that useless. It was after their first day of meeting with their people. He should have been there to help but he wasn’t because he was an idiot. 

They were both walking with their usual confident poise but even from the distance between them, he could see the slight drag in their steps from exhaustion. They were already pushing themselves too hard. Clarke hadn’t shown any symptoms in a long while thanks to her treatments with Gabriel - he was confident of that as he’d been paying close attention - but what if that wasn’t true anymore? What if everything had triggered it coming back? He’d been terrified that was the case after her fight with Raven and knowing she was taking so much on right now only increased his fear. If she was she wouldn’t ask for help, and now he was too shut out to look out for signs himself. Dammit, he should have been there with them today to not only help with the meetings but to be sure Clarke was alright. He should be there now. But he wasn’t, because he was the biggest idiot on Alpha.

Before he could think better of it he called out to Clarke, rushing to meet her in her doorway. He didn’t expect her to let him in; he knew he hadn’t earned that. He just needed to know if she was ok. If he could do anything. They had so much on their shoulders and it was all his fault. He wanted to help and wanted her to know he’d do anything she needed.

As he neared, Clarke shooed Madi and Diyoza in ahead of her. Worried she’d lock him out Bellamy increased speed, against his own promises to himself a tad desperate to talk to her if only for a moment, and slid to a stop closer to her than intended. It was a curse and a gift. He could instantly tell it did him no favors but at the same time, he could use their closeness to study Clarke intently. 

She looked worn out. Not just her body but the glaze in her eyes he unfortunately knew well from being by her side as they ran themselves ragged together once upon a time. He couldn’t see any signs of dizziness, or blood, or any physical ailments but that wasn’t enough to assure him she was really ok. 

Bellamy tucked his hands into his back pockets to stop himself from reaching for her. 

“What do you want, Bellamy?”

He thought, ’I want you to let me help you, and hug you, and for you to let me come inside so we can be like we’re supposed to.’ Instead of any of that, he went with the milder, “I want to talk. To fix things, and apologize. When I brought you home I-”

“You brought me here to fix everything. That’s what I’m doing. You don’t get to pick and choose how anymore.”

“No, no, I don’t want- I brought you here-”

Bringing her back to fix things was the last thing he had wanted. From the start he’d felt guilty he’d made such a mess of everything and that Clarke was the one who had to tell him how to get out of it. He’d brought her back because she belonged at home. She belonged with the people who loved her and to finally have the happy and safe life she was owed. He’d brought her home because he wanted to give her all of that. Instead, everything had gone wrong. If he could explain-

But Clarke wasn’t interested in hearing it. "More importantly, this plan is to protect my daughter. I'm going to do whatever I want, however I want, whenever I want to make that happen. I don't need your permission."

His permission? To keep Madi safe? Not in a million years would he expect that from her. It was like they were speaking different languages and Bellamy felt tongue-tied, at a loss of how to translate. ”I’m not saying you need- Clarke, I want Madi safe too. Work with me. Together we-"

"I'll let you know if we need you for anything." How she said it made it clear it was a very, very unlikely event. Clarke began to close the door in his face, saying, "Out of respect for what you've done and your role within Wonkru, if something is going to happen and I don't think you'll interfere I'll send someone to make you aware ahead of time. Don't make me regret that."

He couldn’t… He didn’t know how… He wanted to… ”You’ve got to be kidding me. No. This is not happening. We are-“ Bellamy caught the door she was slamming shut, that growingly familiar panic returning. If only she would let him talk to her through the crack. He could explain himself to her. He could ask her how she was feeling; maybe suggest Gabriel come to visit just to check. That he had begged her to come home because he wanted her to be happy. That of course he’d never think she needed his permission for shit, let alone Madi’s well being, and that he wanted to do whatever she- 

The opening began to slowly continue to close against his light resistance. He could barely make out Clarke’s movement as she turned away.

Bellamy jerked back in surprise when Diyoza's face popped up to replace it. "Sorry, bud. No hard feelings.”

"Let me in. I need to tell her-”

"No can do; we're having girl time. No boys allowed until the pillow fight is over."

"What are you talking about?"

Diyoza sighed. "My jokes are wasted in the future." She leaned closer, speaking lowly enough that Clarke and Madi likely couldn't hear. "Point is my job is to protect the princess-munchkin. I think the plan was supposed to be more punchy-based but the sound of your name seems to seriously pain both of 'em. I'm not blaming you, technically. I have no clue what happened and I get stories have two sides. That said, whatever you did means you fall on my no-fly list for now. Poor kid has enough going on; I can't have you making her cry to top it off. Let things settle down. She wouldn't be this upset if she didn't still love you.”

Bellamy used his free hand to rub his chest, working hard to breathe through that thought. Madi furious was bad enough; her crying because of him - again - was worse. ”I never want that. But I can only make things right if I can talk to them. Her having so much on her plate is why I need to do this now. Everything is happening and we're supposed to be a team. It's supposed to be the three of us together. Now it's Madi and Clarke taking on the burdens and the risks alone. I need to fix it before things get worse. I need to help.”

She looked at him with outright pity. "Of all things don't worry about the risk. I've made a deal and I'm good for it; no one's harming a hair on Madi's head and Clarke can take care of herself. Everything else- Well, turns out I've got some real respect for our little queenie and the baby-princess. Pretty sure they got this. So, good luck. For what it's worth, I hope you kiss and make up. In the meantime, if they tell me to keep you away that's what I'm going to do. Nothing personal."

“It's very, very personal. I can't make things right if they won't-" he was saying, trying harder to catch his breath. He knew he was supposed to leave them alone but they’d been alone for so long. They weren’t supposed to be alone anymore. He was supposed to take care of them, not make everything worse. He was always making everything worse. He was trying and he was doing everything wrong and he didn’t know how to fix it.

“Nuh-huh,” Diyoza snapped, “There will be no fainting on this doorstep, you hear me? I’m not dragging you away before the girls need to come back out.” Bellamy felt Diyoza studying him and whatever she saw caused her to sigh. “Look. I said I wouldn’t let you NEAR them and I mean it so you gotta get out of here.” She gazed at him expectantly and then pursed her lips. “You can’t SEE them until they say otherwise.” Another pause. “You won’t be able to TALK to them for now.” Another, after which Diyoza groaned and rolled her eyes. “For shit's sake. How have you survived this long? If you write a letter I’ll try to pass it on and we’ll see what happens.”

Bellamy sagged against the doorway in relief. Yes. A plan of action. Something he could do. “Thank you. So much.”

“I’ll get their dinner in a bit. Have it ready and waiting; I’m not your mail-lady and I’m not making special visits. Understood?”

“Yeah, I got it. I can’t thank-”

“It’s not for you. I’ll see you in the mess hall.” Diyoza began to disappear and then last minute added, “And Blake? My advice is to start with the princess. You’ve got a siege situation on your hands and you are gonna need an ally on the inside before you take on the queen.”

Bellamy was nodding in agreement when she finally closed the door. He walked the short distance home half composing his letter and half wondering about the impression he had that he and Diyoza were on different pages. He tried to dismiss it but the thought stuck with him.

Her wording had sounded weird, as if she meant writing Madi instead of Clarke. But Clarke was their princess. She always had been and even though she told him not to call her that anymore, she always would be. As far as they’d come and as much as they’d been through, the foundation of their relationship was her as the brilliant and privileged leader everyone naturally called princess, and him as the reckless janitor with authority issues that A.L.I.E via Raven called her knight, and Murphy - and now Raven via Raven - had mockingly called king. Did Madi being Heda make her the queen? That was logical, he supposed, but seemed weird. She was powerful and had a title, sure, but no one outranked Clarke.

Things clicked into place all at once. Diyoza had referenced Madi as the ‘baby-princess’ while they talked and had called Clarke ‘queenie.’ Huh. It wasn’t like Bellamy couldn’t see it. It certainly made sense for an outsider to consider them that way. Clarke had certainly earned the upgrade. Despite that, he wasn’t sure if he’d ever not think of her as his princess. After so many years some things were too imbedded to change.

Shaking his head to clear the useless and distracting thoughts, Bellamy focused on his task. Mentally crumpling the novel-length letter he’d already begun for Clarke in his mind and tossing it away, he started a fresh page for Madi.

When Echo welcomed him home he returned the greeting vaguely, trying to recall where he’d last seen pen and paper and then trying to keep his words in mind. When Echo asked what he was looking for he muttered what he needed and then began silently mouthing his message, not wanting to lose all of the meaningful things he needed Madi to know. 

How sorry he was. His acknowledgment of how many huge mistakes he’d made and that he knew they were unforgivable but how he selfishly hoped she’d someday find a way to forgive them anyway because she was his family and he couldn’t imagine losing her for good. He wanted to be there to help them face what they were going through now and be there for whatever the future held. How he was proud of her for defending Clarke the way she had. How he’d rather die than hurt either of them again because it was the least they deserved, and that Clarke shouldn’t be the one fighting to take care of them both under so much pressure anymore. She’d done that too long and it was supposed to be his turn. And covering once more how sorry he was because it simply could not ever be said enough. 

Physically - and what felt like emotionally as well - he was panting by the time he finished pouring it all out onto paper. Bellamy sat back and let himself read through every heartfelt word he’d scrawled. Then he folded it, tucking it away. 

Madi wasn’t ready to hear all of that. Someday. Thinking of her angry eyes and deadly threats, Bellamy was certain she’d toss it in the fire the minute Diyoza handed it over. 

Pulling out a new page, he tried to find words she’d accept from him. Octavia said to give them space. Bombarding them with all of his thoughts and feelings, even if it wasn’t face-to-face, was not space. Diyoza said a siege. The meant a drawn-out wearing down of defenses - ones he’d created by being a jackass - not trying to barrel through them. 

Madi said they were to send a third party to deliver Wonkru news. So Wonkru news he would give her. A justified delivery that would be his Trojan horse.

Putting his pen back to paper, he tried again.

One 

_  
Wonkru Commander Update:_

_The lettuce, spinach, and carrots are almost ready to harvest and will begin to be included in daily meals soon. The radishes are also ready- You and Clarke were right. Those things grow like weeds. I’m grateful for your advice on which crops to get started on first. Farming has never been my thing, which Clarke can attest to from our dropship days. We knew so little about Earth back then and she still found a way to make it work. While our friends from Sanctum understand Alpha and are doing an excellent job teaching our people how to work the fields, you and Clarke understand the reality of getting them fed. I know you learned that in Shallow Valley. All that you two accomplished was, and is, incredible. I wish I had been there to help. We expect the first of the corn and peas to be ready soon. I’ll keep you updated._

_\- Bellamy Blake_

_  
_

Bellamy waited in the mess hall, leg bouncing in impatience and barely able to pretend to pay attention to anything his friends were saying until Diyoza arrived. When she did she plucked the letter out of his hand with a wink, moving on before he got the chance to thank her again. 

Two 

_  
Wonkru Commander Update:_

__

__

_Today we got our first rain in our new home. I know I don’t need to tell you that, I’m just happy and want to celebrate it with you. We continue to have trouble with the water purifying system so getting some fresh from the source was a nice break from the stress of making it work. Everything being wet caused some slowing of the building efforts. Indra thought to divert everyone from working on the roof of the medical center to using the softer ground to our advantage by digging as many of the deep holes we need for future buildings. It was a good call and we got a lot done. At one point Murphy and Emori stopped by and ended up having a mud fight; they were both covered in it. You should have seen when Indra came over and started lecturing them while Murphy was trying to get it out of his mouth. They both want me to tell you ‘hi’. I hope I’ll be able to report that the medical facility is done soon and that you’ll be able to start officially building and giving people their new homes as we complete them. I want you to know you did a great job with telling everyone about that, by the way. I was and am very proud of you._

_\- Bellamy Blake_

_  
_

Watching Murphy and Emori start walking home drenched in mud, Bellamy internally composed his letter for that night. It was true they wanted to say ‘hi’ - much more than that, actually - and they didn’t need to bother telling him to pass it on for him to include it in his message. Everyone had been tense since Madi had banished them from their lives two days ago. After Miller told them all about the true possible risk her threat held it became significantly worse. It was apparent everyone had planned on approaching Clarke despite her wishes, proving Octavia’s point that naturally Clarke felt like no one listened to what she wanted. 

When Murphy had shown up at the construction site Bellamy hadn’t looked up from digging. He was still needed everywhere all of the time, now even worse than before Clarke came home due to the specialized tasks going on in every direction, but there had come a point in the day he needed to work off some of his energy for his mind to continue functioning and figured it might as well go to good use. 

When Bellamy hadn’t acknowledged he was there, Murphy nodded like he’d said plenty. “I’m with you on that,” he empathized. “We really screwed the pooch this go around. I suggested to ‘Mori that we take bets on how long it’ll be before she speaks to us again, including some much deserved yelling, but the timeframes were too depressing so I had to let it go." 

Bellamy grunted and slammed his shovel in deeper. 

“I know it’s a big ask, but try to not kill yourself over this quite yet, alright? As I said when it was her turn and we talked about you, I am a reluctant Clarke-and-Bellamy expert. Things are pretty bad right now, sure, but you’ll figure it out eventually." 

That did the trick. Bellamy’s head had whipped towards him. “You talked about me? With her? When?” 

Murphy waved the questions off. “Oh, you know… My point here is you and Clarke have loved each other past the point of true stupidity forever. I mean, even with all of this, if you were in real trouble right now her dropping everything and doing crazy shit to save you would be a bet I’d gladly take. It’s your thing. Give it time. Our little moon here becoming a comet the day the sun explodes will be your sign things are done between you guys. Until then, keep the faith and try not to lose your mind and make things worse. Think you can manage that?" 

“Ok, but when did you and Clarke-” 

“Dude, really? I refuse to be the one-” Murphy said over him. Then, “There she is, ladies and gentlemen!” holding out his arms to showcase Emori as she walked up. “The best, consistently latest woman on Ear- Alpa.” 

“What are you talking about?” Emori asked as she’d drawn closer. “We were supposed-” Before she could say more Murphy lobbed a handful of mud at her and their battle had begun. 

Bellamy had gone back to digging his stupid hole until he was pulled away to handle other business. Throughout the day he documented everything for his letter, knowing he’d cut almost all of it away. He needed to keep it short if she was really going to read it. Had she even read the last one? Had she told Clarke about it? When had Murphy and Clarke talked about him? Murphy had told her they ‘weren’t done’ when they had? What did that mean? What could they have been talking about for that come up? What had she said in response? 

When Echo found him in the mess hall that night she gave him a deeply sympathetic look, clearly reading how off he felt. Between the exhausting day and mental knots he’d tied himself into he imagined it wasn’t hard to identify. She was putting down the meals she’d grabbed for them when Diyoza came in. 

As he jumped up and headed her way, she nodded before he had to say anything. “Madi took the letter and I’m pretty sure she read it. I also think she hasn’t said anything to Clarke about it. Whether that’s because she doesn’t want to upset Clarke by bringing you up or because she’s too pissed to talk about you remains to be seen. Hand it over.” She again took the letter from him and left before he could get a word in. 

Three 

_  
Wonkru Commander Update:_

__

_Our first group of volunteer guards left for Sanctum this morning. I’ll admit to you that secretly I got a little emotional about it. I know they’ll be fine in Sanctum and that they’ll be back soon but it was hard to let them go. The worst part was seeing them saying goodbye. Some of them are parents, many grandparents, and they’re leaving their families because of a deal I made. They’re doing it out of love and because they want to give Wonkru it’s best chance to succeed, and that IS what they’re doing. It was still hard to watch. The worst were the people who didn’t have anyone to say goodbye to. I went around to everyone to thank them for what they’re doing for our people but the ones that were alone I know I spent too long with. There’s never enough time in the day, is there? I wish I could have spent longer. I’m sure your days are as hectic as mine, if not more, but please don’t push yourself too hard. Your health is more important than anything going on around us. Please let me know if there is anything I can take on to help. Our people will be back home in three weeks and then the next group will go. I hope Gabriel can get Sanctum in order soon so we won’t have to keep doing this. I want all of our people safe and here with us. I know you and Clarke do too. If I hear any news about how they are settling in over there I will let you know._

_\- Bellamy Blake_

As Bellamy watched the Rovers packed with their people rolling out for Sanctum it ached a bit thinking about how much he wished Clarke was there with him. He knew they were doing the right thing and that meant he’d follow through no matter how he felt about it. However, he was growing more and more aware that the time after the battle for Sanctum had caused a change in him. He wasn’t sure what was contributing to it more: the shattered expectation of what their lives would be like, the estranged relationship he’d had with his best friend since the morning after, or the fact he was driving himself out of his mind trying and failing to keep things afloat. 

The brief span of their family functioning like he’d always hoped - before everything went wrong only a few days ago - already seemed like a distant memory of a happier time. 

Now he had to fight the urge to call for his people to come back as they disappeared down the road. He said he’d keep everyone safe and them leaving made him irrationally anxious. Bellamy knew if Clarke was there she’d remind him why it needed to be done in that way of hers. Matter-of-fact but gently. He’d been too stupid to heed her advice plenty of times but he definitely listened to her more than anyone else. He knew that was based on trust and respect but it didn’t hurt that it seemed like she almost always knew the right thing to say to him to get through hard moments. Bellamy was aware he led with his heart - she’d made him aware - and that he could be a bit stubborn at times. Clarke got that and knew how to help him handle leading with that vulnerable handicap throwing him off. 

As it was he had stood with Miller and it wasn’t as if his friend was a poor companion or that he wasn’t grateful. The fact was Bellamy could tell Miller was having a hard time too with sending off the men and women he’d been training closely with to act as formal guards. So he took a deep breath and turned to him, comforting him by telling Miller things would be fine, they were doing what had to be done, and then reorienting him on a new task to take his mind off of it. Bellamy didn’t have that luxury and spent the rest of the day fighting through the ache in his chest that told him he wasn’t doing any of it right. 

That night as he waited in the mess hall Echo, Niylah, Murphy, and Emori joined him. He was tapping the letter on the tabletop, distracted as he looked for Diyoza, so he didn’t see it coming when Echo slipped it from his fingers. 

“Can I?” she asked softly, concern in her gaze as she slowly began unfolding it, waiting for his ok before reading what it contained. He knew she only wanted to know what was going on so she could help - he’d been so busy he hadn’t paused long enough to tell anyone about his deal with Diyoza - and Bellamy grunted permission as he continued watching the main door. 

“Well that was rude,” Emori commented, her tone teasing but when Bellamy glanced her way saw her expression was not. 

“Yeah, I have a diary at my place if you want to drop by later,” Murphy added while he chewed. “Might as well pretend to give you the go-ahead now since you’ll check it out regardless.” 

“Thanks so much, I’ll get on that,” Echo replied sarcastically as she skimmed the note. Then she folded it, returned it, and kissed him. Taking his face in her hands she’d regarded him closely with a small smile. “You’re a good man, Bellamy. Madi is lucky to have you and I’m grateful you’re finding a way to take care of our Heda.” 

Bellamy didn’t have words for that so he simply tried to return the smile. That was, until Diyoza finally appeared and he had to go. 

He didn’t let her rip it away so easily this time. “How are they doing?” 

“Peachy. I’m not going to ask you to let me do you a favor. Hand it over or kick rocks.” 

Bellamy instantly obeyed but added before she could go, “I’m worried. I’m grateful for what you’re doing but I’m worried. Just tell me they’re alright.” 

Diyoza walked away toward the food line backward so she could depart while saying gravely, “They’re tough and I’m watching out for them. Don’t worry so much and take care of yourself. No offense, but it looks like you need it.” Then she turned, done with him. 

Four 

_  
Commander Update:_

_Today there isn’t much to report. Everything is busy but that’s to be expected. Is there anything I can be doing to help? I know you and Clarke are capable of taking care of things. I wish you would let me anyway. Any of us. You don’t even have to see me or talk to me. I respect your feelings and I don’t want to pressure you but please know I am here. Anything you need. Just say the word._

_\- Bell_

Bellamy had spent the night before enjoying his new hobby of worrying about everything that had and could ever happen, Diyoza’s words often coming to mind. Of course Madi and Clarke were tough. They’d survived six years alone on a radiation soaked planet. Madi had beat Sheidheda. Clarke had beat… Everyone. Anyone who threatened her loved ones. Of course they were tough but the point was they weren’t supposed to have to be anymore. After all their years of fighting, they deserved some rest. Some help, so they didn’t have to constantly face the world alone. They weren’t supposed to be alone anymore. They deserved peace. 

He was the one who took that away from them. They’d never be happy and it was his fault. What Clarke had said as she rightfully tore him apart had become a speech he’d grown to know well in the nights since. She said that if he’d died on the Ring she and Madi would have been happy. He’d come back to Earth and stole that from them. 

The following morning felt like he was trapped in a haze. More than once Miller and even Murphy dropping their own tasks to step in, Bellamy gaining focus long enough to realize he had no clue what he was doing and that what was in front of him couldn’t allow for that. He appreciated the patience Miller had with him about it, offering to take over everything for the remainder of the day so Bellamy could get some sleep but the thought repulsed him. Not only did staying still not equate rest anymore but more importantly, out there the two of them were working their asses off, alone. He couldn’t just kick back. He could do something to help their people even if it was small in comparison. 

At some point, Echo had shown up and told him it was time for his doctor’s appointment. Bellamy didn’t remember making one but followed, using energy to ask about it seeming a waste. 

“I’m sorry, you what?” Jackson asked, the sharpness of his voice enough to somewhat pop Bellamy into the present. 

“If Monty and Harper could do it on their own-” 

“We are absolutely not taking his PCD out today. In fact, he isn’t leaving here. Bellamy, when was the last time you slept? And I’m pretty sure you’re dehydrated, and-” 

Bellamy shrugged off Jackson as he began poking and prodding at him. “I’m fine. A little stressed out but that’s nothing new. I’ll sleep tonight. I’m fine.” 

Jackson nodded thoughtfully as Bellamy spoke, turned to grab something, and then leaned in so it was easy to concentrate on his face. “Don’t be mad. This is coming from a place of love,” was the last thing Bellamy heard before he felt a sharp pain and then nothing. 

He woke to someone poking his face and the sound of tense whispers. 

A louder voice said, “I promise you, this is what he wants. Blake. Blake. Get up, Sleeping Beauty. You got a note to write.” 

Forcing his eyes open seemed like a monumental task but he managed. Above him he found Diyoza holding out a pen and paper, behind her both Jackson and Echo looking less than pleased. 

__

__

Getting each letter decipher-ably down took longer than he would have liked with everyone staring at him and he admittedly had to use only one eye to improve his aim with each mark of the pen. 

When he was finished Diyoza folded it away as he allowed himself to fall back onto the medical cot. “Good job, kid,” she said more gently than made sense, his sedated mind still having to put effort into staying conscious. He felt her hand on his shoulder and then she was leaning in as Jackson had, only this time he didn’t get a surprise needle shanked into him by a friend. This time a woman who’d recently moved from foe to business acquaintance to unlikely ally murmured, “Before I gave her your letter last night I saw her looking for it. You’re doing good.” 

Bellamy hummed in gratitude as he drifted back off. 

Five 

__  
Wonkru Commander Update:

_There’s been an increase of fighting but nothing serious has happened. I think it’s just people being on edge about things changing soon. I can handle it so please don’t worry. Clarke’s birthday is coming up. Has she told you that? I bet she hasn’t. I’m sorry for re-explaining if you already know this, but in case you don’t- I know on the Ground everyone knew what season they were born in but on the Ark our people would celebrate the exact day every year. When we were stuck on the Ring we found some stuff, some of the functional computers had a few lists on them, and one was birth records. That’s how I found out Clarke’s is October 6th. That passed not long after we first got to Earth so I tried to remember how we spent it. There was a lot of time to kill up there. Turns out her birthday was when Murphy had come back to camp infected and everyone got sick. I’m sure Clarke told you that story. When I figured it out it became a lot funnier and a lot sadder that she had asked me as a joke to get her medicine- I had no idea she meant for her birthday present. Her sense of humor is something else, isn’t it? That was the only October 6th we had together until this one. I’m not sure if either of you want to do anything special for it I just wanted to let you know in case you do. If it’s ok for me to leave a gift or help you do something for her please let me know. By the way, what season where you born in? My guess is Spring. Am I right?_

_\- Bellamy_

That day Bellamy had a brand new pep in his step. Jackson’s uninvited rest seemed to have rebooted his systems, as had the hydration drip he’d been hooked up to all night. Turned out that in his state of constantly distracted worry he’d apparently forgotten to drink any water while running around for several days, in addition to running himself into the ground. When Jackson released him it was with a dry reminder that water was needed to stay alive so it would be a good idea to think about it now and then, and one to Echo letting her know the very conversation regarding his PCD was off of the table until further evaluation of Bellamy’s health. 

Diyoza’s news about Madi and her possible, subtle willingness to ‘hear’ what he had to say gave him the ability to use the back of his mind to think about what he’d use that for throughout the day. Personal but not pressing. Still vaguely falling under the pretense of being informative but engaging with her. 

His new lease on life couldn’t have come a moment too soon. As he reported to Madi that night, now that he was fully aware of his surroundings Bellamy could sense the tension in the air. He hadn’t even realized the pressure Miller had been under trying to keep the peace while fifteen guards short, doing it all without bringing it to Bellamy’s attention. When Bellamy began kicking himself for letting something so vital slip, Miller clapped his back good-naturedly. 

“It’s cool. Not everything is on you. I’m the Captain here, remember? I appreciate the help but I’ve got this. If I seriously need you I’ll let you know. Any news?” 

Bellamy didn’t have to ask what he meant, shaking his head. Diyoza’s impression that Madi could be starting to be interested in his letters might be meaningful to him but it wasn’t the kind of news Miller was looking for. 

“Figured it was too soon but had to ask,” he grimaced. “Oh, by the way, I can’t spare any guards but when the rest of us have time we try to keep an eye on them from far enough away to not get zapped. I know she’s got RJ and Diyoza, I just feel better having our people around too. Thought maybe you’d like to know.” 

“I would. I do. Thank you for arranging that.” 

“It’s not for you but you’re welcome anyway,” he chuckled, smiling. “I gotta-” he only tilted his head before he took off. 

His act of easy-going helpfulness was blown late that night when Bellamy caught sight of he and Jackson stumbling in the road. 

When he made it to their side Jackson cast him a pleading glance. Miller was leaning heavily on him, drunk to the point of oblivion. Taking the other arm they shared his weight, carrying him home. As they got him into bed Bellamy saw a bucket stationed near the bedside like it was a common fixture. 

“Has this become a normal thing?” 

Jackson noticed what he was referring to and shook his head in halting movements. “It’s for his nightmares,” he admitted quietly. “Mine… Mine I’ll shake awake from. When Nate has his bad ones he’ll start throwing up. He hasn’t had them in a while now. Not since he… Not since he started spending time with Clarke every night right before bed. Last night was bad, Bellamy.” He could hear the tears in Jackson’s voice, the moonlight in the otherwise unlit room too dark to make them out in. “I don’t doubt his intention was to get blackout drunk tonight to avoid them. I don’t know how to help him. I try but she gets through to him in a way I can’t. I can’t go to Clarke and ask her to give up being upset because she holds my boyfriend together. Plus I know he’d be angry if I tried to. I don’t how to help,” Jackson repeated, his feeling of utter helplessness clear. 

“I’m no Clarke, but I’ll spend more time with him. I’ll see if there’s anything I can do. Thank you for telling me and please let me know if things stay this way or get worse. You don’t have to do this alone; either of you. We might have spent those years apart but you’re my family too. I know you love him but getting him through this is my responsibility as much as it’s yours. Miller and I have been through a lot. Anything you guys need, I’m here, ok? Anything at all.” 

“Thanks Bellamy,” Jackson barely managed to choke out and Bellamy only dimly made out that he was moving before they were hugging. Jackson shook as he tried to fight back full-blown sobs and Bellamy damned himself to hell as he patted the other man’s back. 

He hadn’t been paying attention. He hadn’t known they were struggling this badly. During what he’d considered to be the happy, good phase he had with Clarke, each night Miller had left when Bellamy arrived, like it was Bellamy’s turn to have her complete attention. He selfishly hadn’t thought or asked or seen what their time entailed that Miller needed it beforehand. in addition to everything else Clarke had been forced to handle because of him she’d also taken on putting together Miller’s broken pieces singlehandedly. He should have noticed and been the one to do something about it. 

Goddammit. He kept swearing he was going to make their lives easier and it was like every day he was finding new ways he made them worse. 

When he left Jackson and Miller’s it was to head directly across the street to home. Knowing Echo was waiting caused him to take a seat on the front steps before going in. He knew how much she cared and that she was doing everything she could to support him. She told him that she’d began to spend significantly more of her time with their friends and volunteered frequently to be the one to observe Madi and Clarke from afar to ease his worries. 

That said, her concern meant asking detailed questions about everything that had happened during his day. She wanted to hear what he thought and asked about his plans and the effort was appreciated. Truly. She loved him and was being thoughtful, making sure he didn’t feel alone or uncared about. However, the same problem existed as they’d had when first forming the settlement and why conversations like that began to fade between them before. As helpful and well intentioned as she was trying to be, Echo didn’t understand. Ultimately everything he said was right so there was inevitably a level of pointlessness to them talking when he was dead on his feet every night and could use at least the chance to shut off his brain. Echo was used to following orders; it wasn’t her fault and she was doing the best she could. But he already knew what he thought. If nothing he said was ever challenged or improved upon he might as well be wasting time listening to… Well, to his own echo. 

It was late. He’d already delivered his note for the day to Diyoza. She clearly hadn’t had the chance to pass it on yet because Clarke and Madi were only now getting home. 

Bellamy had to clutch the wood beneath him to resist the urge to go to them. The last time had been a big mistake. They were obviously so tired. They were taking on more than anyone should be expected to carry. Him demanding they see him was not fair to them. 

Before he could lose the battle with himself their door was closing and he rested his elbows on his knees and his face on his hands until he noticed it had grown cold and that there was no point. He’d have to go inside eventually. 

He did, forcing a tired smile, and accepted Echo’s kiss of greeting. 

“How was your day?” she asked, settling in to talk. 

Six 

_  
Wonkru Commander Update:_

_We did it! Or at least, I think we did. It seems like the water filtration system is finally working. The difference was some new pieces scrappers brought back from the Eligius. I’d thought about pulling the last of the people who are still working on that project off of it to focus on construction but I guess I was wrong. Wouldn’t be the first time. Until you say otherwise I’ll leave a few at it to see if there are any other gems to find. Everything helps, right? I got Gabriel on the radio for a minute and he says our people are fine. He didn’t have time to say anything else. He’s a good man so I’m sure he’s looking out for them I just can’t help but worry. That includes about you. I know I’m supposed to stay away but I couldn’t help but see you and Clarke coming home last night. Are you both sleeping enough? Eating enough? What can I do? I’m trying my best to give you space but I’m really worried. Please tell me how to help._

_\- Bellamy_

Since they met Echo’s spy training had been apparent. Thanks to Queen Nya it was unavoidable; as much as she grew and changed that way of thinking and instincts had been pounded into her. While those talents had been put to use in less-than-ideal circumstances before the Ring, as soon as they arrived in their isolated new home they ended up being invaluable. So few of them in such cramped quarters for so long begged for discontent and in-fighting, and - other than Murphy toward the end - Echo had been key in seeing arguments coming and giving Bellamy advice on how to derail them before they came to head, or if that happened too late, could see both sides to express the issue unemotionally, helping Bellamy get to the bottom of it. Always so even-keeled herself, it had become easy to depend on her. 

For the first time, Bellamy felt an inkling of doubt regarding those instincts. While he felt like it would be a good thing if all of her time removed from playing politics on the ground meant her conditioning was leaving her, it involuntarily crossed his mind that if that was the case perhaps he shouldn’t so heavily and thoughtlessly depend on her opinion to help him make decisions. If she was looking at everything the way everyone else did she was as likely to make mistakes. 

For instance, giving Clarke space. Now, Raven. 

When he and Raven could no longer naturally avoid one another and needed to meet regarding the scrapping effort and ongoing water filtration issues the interaction was clipped at best. For all that Echo had said Raven had calmed down and it was only her pride preventing her from apologizing, it sure seemed like she was still pretty upset. The difference from before was perhaps only that it seemed like less the venomous spite of before but more of a sullen, begrudging resentfulness. If Bellamy had it in him he would try to coax conversation out of her or initiate another confrontation solely to let her go at him and give him an opening to start addressing her problems and fixing them. As it was, he was tired. He wasn’t over what Raven had said to Clarke and felt like instead of healing things between them he was just as likely to rip into her in return. So he dealt with their business through a locked jaw and hoped it would be over soon. 

It nearly was, he was taking the first steps to leave, when she reached a hand towards his arm to stop him. Bellamy jerked away, avoiding her touch. Forcing himself to finally look at her head-on he saw she was studying the floor at his feet with aggravated concentration. 

“Were you serious? When you said Clarke…” Raven trailed off, still sounding pissy but also uncommonly hesitant. 

“What?” 

“She… She really didn’t put her name on the list?” 

“What do you care?” Bellamy snapped. 

“You didn’t tell me. You never told me that.” 

“Why would I? Why would either of us think that would mean anything to you? The way you-” 

“That’s not… I didn’t-” 

“Whatever, Raven. We’re not doing this. Find a way to figure things out with Clarke or only talk to me about what needs to get done around Wonkru. Those are your options.” 

“Wait, Bellamy-” 

But he was already walking away, fuming. He had a thousand places to be but climbed up the watch tower all the same, needing a quiet moment before he took out his feelings towards Raven on everyone else. He knew he was already being too short with people lately and didn’t want to make it even worse. 

Dangling his legs over the side, for a moment he let his gaze wander across the woods and then closed them tight, getting it over with. He knew reliving that moment was inevitable. 

He and Clarke had been discussing the list. If she was going to force herself to do it he would force himself to help. They’d been going back and forth on factors to consider and he remembered of all the ideas they’d tossed around, one had stuck out to him as somehow even more jarring than the rest. 

“If we’re really going to talk about the… ‘repopulating,’” he winced a little at the coldness of that phrasing, “of the next generation of humanity it should be 50/50 young women and men.” 

“No, I’m thinking 70/30. Maybe even 75/25.” Tapping her pen on the blank page, brow furrowed, it had taken Clarke a moment to glance towards him. When she did, for whatever reason, the ghost of a grin had appeared. “If we were dealing with a population of Bellamy Blakes, then yes, the number could be closer to even.” She turned back to her stark white page, once more frowning. “The reality, however, is that the men are going to get multiple women pregnant and we, unfortunately, have to use that to our advantage. Plus, we’ll have my mom and Jackson but limited equipment and medicine. Even when fully stocked, the reality is women die in childbirth sometimes. We have to prepare for that.” 

Bellamy had shuddered at the thought. Recalling his mother giving birth to Octavia, thinking about any of the women he knew now… Scrubbing his face with his hands hard he tried to think about absolutely anything else. 

“Maybe we should-” he began, only for Clarke to cut him off. 

“Get some rest. We’re both dead on our feet.” 

“What about you?” 

“It’ll be my turn next. We can’t afford to both be out at once. When we’ve slept we can finish this.” 

Bellamy had wanted to argue but she wasn’t wrong. It had felt like he was running on fumes for days. Making it to his room didn’t cross his mind. Sliding down on the couch he was out before his head hit the armrest. It felt like seconds later that his eyes were struggling back open, unsure of what woke him. The first thing he saw had been Clarke, forehead in her hand as she looked down at the page in front of her, quietly crying. 

She’d written the damn thing without him. Knowing her, that was why she’d told him to sleep. Clarke insisted on carrying that burden alone. He hadn’t bothered scanning the rows of names as he drew close; one glance at her had told him what he’d find. The hurt he felt that she’d chosen to exclude him from the shared guilt and sadness that she’d been sitting there crying as she’d done it alone were only overshadowed by his firm resolve. 

“If I’m on that list, you’re on that list.” 

“Bellamy, I can’t…” 

“Write it down. Write it down or I will.” He said it as gently as he could, with as much care as he felt, but at the core it felt like he was issuing a threat. There was no way in hell Clarke wasn’t going to be inside with him. No way. She was not going to stay out in the rain no matter what that meant. She could solidify that by putting her name down or she could be angry at him when he dragged her inside even if she was kicking and screaming. Clarke was not dying. 

She’d shaken her head and Bellamy had pulled the list toward himself, following through. Directly beneath his own name he added Clarke’s, his blocky handwriting a contrast to the swoops and swirls of hers. As he wrote he looked to her more than once, checking to see if she accepted what her name being there meant. She seemed to, falling back into her chair with defeat. 

“So what now?” she had asked when he was finished. 

“Now we put it away and hope we never have to use it.” 

“You still have hope?” 

“We still breathing?” 

He could tell she tried to smile a little at him but it didn’t work out. Her gaze fell back on the list and Bellamy could see it clearly; the ever determined Clarke really was operating on the last dregs of hope she could muster. He could give that to her. She didn’t have to do absolutely everything alone, despite her insistence. Clasping her shoulder Bellamy gave it several massaging squeezes, trying to infuse his resolve while providing comfort. She gave that to him instead when her hand grasped his and she let her head fall towards it, tears still on her face. Knowing he could do anything to give her comfort at that moment was all he could ask for. Other than coming inside the damn ship with him when the rain came, of course. 

“Get some sleep,” he had gruffly instructed and then reluctantly forced himself to pull away. They had been sequestered longer than had been prudent. He needed to go check on and handle whatever was surely going wrong outside their office door before it came in to ruin any chance she had of getting rest. 

“Bellamy!” The voice cracked him out of his memory. “Bellamy!” Leaning forward to look over the watch tower’s ledge he saw Emori waving up at him. “Gabriel’s finally on the radio. You still want to talk to him, right?" 

In his haste he almost fell over the edge, hopping up and then sliding down the ladder to make it to the communication tent next door in less than a minute. 

“Gabriel,” Bellamy said into the mic urgently. He’d been trying to get ahold of him since their people had left. The operator on the other end had been clueless regarding anything he’d wanted to know and Bellamy hadn’t wanted assurances of their well-being from anyone other than Gabriel himself. “My people are there safely? Everything is going as planned?” 

“Yeah, they got here not a minute too soon. I’ve got them lodged and we’ve met to discuss what needs to be done and broken down shifts. They’re fine.” 

“Good. Clarke has been taking on a lot. I think you should visit-" 

“Bellamy,” Gabriel’s rushed tone transformed into outright impatience, “When Clarke and I last spoke she told me about how all of your plans are working out for Wonkru. I’m happy for you but I can’t say the same yet. I can barely afford time to make this call. I’m doing it out of friendship more than ally-ship because I know you’re worried. Your people are fine. I’ll reach out to you as soon as I can. Santiago, out." 

“Wait, Gabriel, listen to me-” 

But he was already gone. 

Seven 

_  
Madi,_

_Jackson’s medical school started today in the mess hall after the lunch crowd cleared out. Not as impressive as it will be in the new building but it’s a start. Jackson was nervous and I tried to help calm him down but I think we both knew Clarke would do a better job. Once a long, long time ago she told me that I inspired people but the truth is it’s always been her. Clarke has always been the one with the big-picture plan, and even when the rest of us were too blind to see it, she could almost always pep-talk anyone into almost anything. That’s how I remember it. From day one she was stronger than I'll ever be. I'm sorry you've had to be too but so proud of how much you're like your mom in so many ways, that among them. You’re smart, and kind, and brave, and thoughtful, and more. Fun fact: There are lots of times I can't help but think of you as 'Little Clarke'. It's the highest compliment I can give and I hope you see it as one. I’ll always be very proud to think of Clarke as my best friend and I’m proud to think of you as my friend too. I hope someday I can earn the right for you to call me one back. I know I need to work for it and that’s how it should be. Please don’t feel rushed. I’m not going anywhere and you have a right to your feelings being whatever they are. You both are worth it no matter how long it takes or what I have to do to prove to you how much I care and how sorry I am. I’ve done so many things in my life I regret and am ashamed of. None compare to hurting you and Clarke. I’m so sorry, Madi. There’s no way to justify any of it. If you can never forgive me I don’t blame you but please understand that I won’t ever stop trying or hoping I can make it up to you in some way. Sorry, I know you’re probably tired and I shouldn’t have made this so long so you can rest. To wrap it up: if someday you’d ever like to visit one of Jackson’s classes I know he’d love to see you. We all miss you. If there’s anything I can do to help please let me know._

_\- Bellamy  
_

The days were simultaneously dragging on and flying by. As the minutes passed they felt like hours but by the end of the day all Bellamy could recollect of it were the specific things he’d memorized to tell Madi. He knew if he could talk to Clarke they would delve into everything and he could make sense of the nonstop action. As it was, he knew he was once again less a leader than the man running from fire-to-fire, keeping their people alive and more-or-less functioning. 

He got Jackson through his nerves before his initial class, missing Clarke.

He met with Miller and Indra to check on Russel’s continued security, missing Clarke.

He talked to Emori and Echo about their ‘oversight’ of the incoming Sanctum instructors and identifying who amongst them were the Faithful and what they were up to, missing Clarke.

He let Murphy tell him about the Red Sun bunker improvements, missing Clarke.

That was why, despite his earlier surety that Madi wasn’t ready for a full, gushing confession and apology on his part, the hope that she might be willing to hear at least a fragment had Bellamy pouring a minuscule amount into his letter that night. He missed Clarke, he missed Madi, and he knew he’d wait years if that’s what it took for them to forgive him. But it had been a week and he was already too familiar with the gaping hole in his chest and in his inability to fully focus on anything else. It could be filled by the woman and her child that lived right next door, whose presence he had to avoid every day in the event his will broke and he made things worse by begging. But he’d hurt them so he had to deal with the seeming eternity of alternating angst and listlessness he was currently trapped in.

Matters only became worse when Diyoza picked up his letter that night.

“Whatever you’re saying, say it fast,” she’d told him abruptly and gravely as she approached.

“What? What do-”

“Your letters? Get through to her, Blake. Now.”

His heart dropped to the floor. Something was wrong. Very, very wrong. “Tell me. What’s happening? What happened?”

Diyoza had pulled his existing letter out of his death grip, shaking her head with frustrated worry. “Just hurry up.”

She walked away and Bellamy knew there was no point chasing her. Instead of pretending to eat or hold conversations with his friends he headed out of the mess hall and again climbed the tower, staying there until it was pitch black.

Falling onto his back to stare up at the unfamiliar constellations, he remembered when he and Madi had talked up there during one of the more recent times he’d let her down. It had been after that night she couldn’t find him when Clarke went missing. When she’d first thanked him for helping her handle Edzun, he had told her, “You don't have to thank me for things like that… I’m supposed to be helping you and I let you down. You and Clarke should be able to count on me to always be here when you need me.”

He knew that was true. He’d known. He just couldn’t get it right.

Bellamy stayed there a long while, helplessly searching the night sky for answers to questions he wasn’t sure he even fully understood.

Eight 

__  
_I swear I didn’t know. Please, please believe me. -B_  



	27. Bellamy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> STORY NOTES:  
> \- Trigger Warning: Suicide  
> \- Still a lot of Madi time but it's needed; this is still a Bellarke story, I swear.
> 
> PERSONAL NOTES:  
> \- Sorry I promised this would be out sooner guys. This ended up being harder to write than I expected and WAY longer than intended.  
> \- You're incredible! I adore you. Words cannot ever, ever express what you enjoying this story means to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Bellamy wasn’t even fully awake when he began to groan. Apparently he'd fallen asleep on the watchtower at some point. Stretching, he found that he was getting too old to sleep on uneven wooden planks in the cold all night. Who’d have guessed it?

Sliding down the ladder he started for home. Yawning as he tried to shake the exhaustion off, Bellamy missed a step as he caught sight of Madi. While he vaguely noticed how comically big RJ looked beside her small figure she was all he could focus on. The distance had no impact on his ability to identify the way her skin had transitioned a shade lighter, no longer used to any time under the sun, and that the usual pep of her movements was currently lethargic at best.

Diyoza had said, “Get through to her, Blake. Now.” Something was wrong. Wrong-er, anyway. He knew he was supposed to leave them alone. Every single person had said if he pressed them he’d make everything worse. He knew he needed to do what was best for them, not himself, and that meant giving them space for now. 

But Madi seriously looked like she was not ok. That level of listlessness could even be illness. At the end of the day, Bellamy didn’t know if he had the strength to walk away knowing that.

He hesitantly altered course to trail them towards the mess hall, debating if going to her would ruin his chances or be the one he needed to finally make a breakthrough. The decision was made when Madi caught sight of him, eyes lingering for a split second, before moving on without reaction. No scowling, no glare, no change in her stride, no signs of anger whatsoever. That was good. That was great. Diyoza had said she’d looked for his letter. Between Diyoza’s insight and the physical manifestation of Madi struggling to handle things he knew he needed to take this opportunity. If she needed his help he needed to be around to give it.

Picking up speed to close the distance, heart filled with hopeful relief, he made it to her near the entrance of the mess hall. As she rounded the corner to go in Bellamy found himself abruptly drawing short as an arm was flung out to block his path.

“Not happening,” that son of a bitch RJ said, taking a step to keep Madi in his clear line of sight as she continued towards the food line without pause. “You know the deal, dude. Get lost.”

Bellamy worked his jaw for a long moment, determined to keep his cool. Madi’s first impression of his in-person apology shouldn’t be him decking her guard. That said, this was not a feeling he was used to or appreciated. Not to be conceited but… it was clearer than ever that RJ hadn’t been around long enough to understand how things worked. Other than the circumstances with Octavia when she was playing Blodreina - being one of the first signs things were disturbingly bad - people did not get between him and his loved ones. Actually, not that he’d intentionally made it a thing but generally speaking, for the most part, their people didn’t get in his way, period. He had stayed away from Clarke and Madi because he cared about them, not because some random guy wouldn’t allow him to. That had never even occurred to him. They did not need protection from him. RJ was out of his damn mind if he thought keeping them apart when Madi might need his help was ever going to happen.

He took a breath. “I need to talk to her,” he explained as if he really needed to. He was already living in a constant state of fear that Clarke could be getting sick again. The slightest possibility Madi could be too was more than he could be expected to only observe from afar. If she didn’t want to hear him out he could find a way to accept that, somehow. He did, however, need to ask how they were doing. He needed to hear her voice to tell if the answer was true or not. Like Diyoza said, he needed to get through to her. After all, something was wrong. Wrong-er.

RJ appeared bemused, his eyes flicking back to Bellamy briefly from where they’d stayed fixed on where Madi had gone the whole time. “Whatever you’ve got to say, you can tell me.”

“No. You have no-”

“Look man, I’m supposed to keep you away from her and pass on messages, in that order. If you wanna piss off the little boss lady go ahead and find your own way to do it. I’m not following you off that cliff. Now, what do you want her to know?”

To say Bellamy’s hackles were raised would be a vast understatement. She looked worn down to the breaking point and he had reason to suspect she could get physically ill from it. It was a real possibility. Clarke had. He couldn’t let that happen. She had spent a whole week carrying burdens that never should have been put on her shoulders. It was his fault and it was his responsibility to take as much of that on himself as possible. They were supposed to be a team; he was supposed to be by her side. She clearly needed help and he was supposed to be there to provide it. And this random criminal who’d rolled into their lives, trying from the start to have meaningless sex with Clarke, sleeping next to his sister every night and deeply bothering her every day, and now keeping him from Madi…

He took some intentional breaths. He knew his mind was circling around the same worries obsessively and he was aware that his emotions were a bit… extreme lately given everything. That was no excuse to act like an idiot. But he was checking on Madi.

“Look, man,” Bellamy parroted with compressed hostility, “I need to see if she’d ok and then if she wants me to go I’ll go. Either you let me or I make you let me. Those are your options.”

RJ had the audacity to laugh. “Yeah, ok. Good luck with that. I’ve been given the go-ahead to beat your ass if you don’t follow the no-contact rule, and while I’m all for it, I don’t think it’s ideal for her day to start with blood everywhere before breakfast.” His gaze again shifted from where Madi must be to Bellamy, smirking this time, before moving back. “As for my girls, don’t you worry your little self about them. I’m with them all day every day and I take good care of Madi, and GOOD care of Clarke, if you know what I mean. They’re not your business anymore. Since I’m the man they need now, I suggest-”

Bellamy felt it was impressive that he stayed calm for as long as he did. He also felt like it was worth noting that the single punch he threw wasn’t even aimed to be a knockout; it was aimed directly at RJ’s mouth. It only seemed fair as every word RJ was saying was hitting Bellamy in the gut. His girls… He was with them… He was taking care of them… He and Clarke… They weren’t his anymore… He was the one they need, not Bellamy…

The bastard leaned to the side in time for his swing to miss, chuckling. That only made Bellamy’s vision redder. He was lining up to take another when-

“What’s going on?” Madi asked, popping up beside them.

Bellamy immediately froze, hands clenched midair. The self-satisfied smile on RJ’s face made it clear he’d known perfectly well Madi was drawing close and thought Bellamy’s awkward guilt at having being caught trying to fight was hilarious. 

Dropping them to his side he quickly tucked them into his pockets, hiding the evidence. “Hey. Hi. Good morning,” he started off, searching Madi from head-to-toe. Up close her faltering state was even more obvious. RJ was clearly doing a terrible job. “I just wanted to… touch-base. See how you’re doing.”

Madi studied them both with narrowed eyes. Whatever it was she concluded, the result had her taking a few steps to stand next to RJ, picking a side. 

RJ passive-aggressively gloated as Bellamy felt the fragment of hope he’d held shatter, saying, “Let me get that for you, sweetheart,” to Madi as he took the small wooden crate out of her hands that must be packed with their breakfasts. That they were going to take to their home. To eat with Clarke. The three of them. Like a family. 

“My order stands, Bellamy. Breaking it and trying to hurt my people at once? You’re forcing my hand to follow through. I don’t appreciate it,” she said so coldly Bellamy shuddered.

“I’m your people. Always,” he reminded gently. “I don’t want to upset you, I get you want space, I’ll give it to you, I’m just worried and-”

“Like I said,” RJ interrupted, “they’re not yours to worry about anymore. I’ve got this.”

Bellamy struggled to find his voice, knocked out of him at Madi’s tiny nod of agreement. 

Knowing this was perhaps one of the most important conversations of his life he powered through. He was losing them. They weren’t only mad and hurt- They were replacing him in every way. Gabriel with the understanding of leadership, partnership, he and Clarke’s clear trust in one another, their easygoing friendship and open communication. RJ’s determination to keep them safe, his consistent supportive presence, Clarke’s exclusive willingness to put Madi’s safety in his hands so she could focus on anything else at least part of the time. They would never need him again. There would be no fixing things if there were other people already giving them everything he should have from the start. He wouldn’t have anything to offer them to make up for his sins. They would never forgive him or care about him or want him in their lives. If Gabriel and RJ took his place, that was it. They would be gone. This could be it.

“Madi, please. You absolutely have the right to be upset. I’ve meant what I’ve said in my letters, every word. I know I’ve messed up but you know how much I care about you. Both of you. You can count on me. This guy has barely gotten here, we can’t trust what he’s-”

“Count on you? I can’t trust him? I can’t trust HIM?” Madi shook her head, her lips twisted in a disbelieving and dark smile that didn’t belong on a face so young. “Hey RJ,” she said, kinking her neck to gaze way up at him, her voice shifting into a sarcastically sweet tone. “Would you leave Clarke behind to die to save yourself?”

Bellamy stumbled a half-step back, clutching his stomach. He thought RJ’s words were hitting him hard before? Madi’s were actually physically painful.

RJ shifted to be sure he was directly meeting Bellamy’s eye as he answered. “I’d rather die.”

“That’s not what I wanted,” Bellamy gasped, horrified. “I never-”

Madi didn’t bother to look his way, continuing to interview RJ like he wasn’t there. “Would you pretend to care about Clarke to get her to do things for you? Make sacrifices for you? Tell her secrets to people who treat her horribly? Get her to trust you so you can use her?”

“Madi, please, that’s not what-”

RJ, meanwhile, didn’t break the lock he had on Bellamy’s face. His jaw was hard as he replied, “Never.”

“Would you promise to protect me and then pick other people’s safety over mine, intentionally put me in danger, guilt me into doing something that would ruin my life forever, and then send me into a massacre?”

Bellamy’s mouth moved wordlessly. This wasn’t happening. This couldn’t be really happening. 

“NEVER,” RJ said between gritted teeth, his anger transforming into a disturbing calmness that Bellamy didn’t have the capacity to do more than dimly note.

He managed to wheeze, “I never meant for things to happen like that. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. All I-”

“If someone tried to murder Clarke in front of me would you have sex with them after?”

Even through his discomforting expression RJ shared Bellamy’s hard blink of surprise. They both sharply faced Madi, Bellamy brimming with shocked confusion.

“Whaaaaat?” Bellamy’s question lasted as long as the pained exhale he’d worked so hard for.

Madi snorted, finally acknowledging his existence again. “I know what couples do, Bellamy. I’m not a little kid.”

He didn’t understand. His pulse was pounding so loudly he wasn’t sure if the way he felt himself choking on words was making any sound. What he did know was that Madi rolled her eyes.

“You and your perfect little family make it clear that you’re so close, that you share everything - I’m sure you and your Azgeda spy most of all,” Madi spit out ‘spy’ like it was the foulest curse word she knew, “but sure, play dumb. Any of you acknowledging the awful things you’ve done isn’t your strong suit, so I’ll help you out. You always need our help to get anything done so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.

“Let’s see… RJ, I know you were one of Diyoza’s people and hiding out from McCreary when the war for Eden happened.” She angled to face him more than Bellamy, her preferred audience. “To set the scene: About 800 of our people went into the gorge, and barely more than 400 left it. That was the massacre Bellamy told me was my responsibility to win and then sent me out in the front to fight.”

“I’m…” Bellamy managed to whisper, his hands moving upward to clutch at his chest, attempting to keep his heart from ripping free of its own accord and falling at her feet, the better for her to crush underfoot.

“Clarke kidnapped me to save my life but I would have done about anything to get free to go to that gorge. All of the Commanders he’d put in my head told me I had to. He said everyone would die if I didn’t. Still, I wouldn’t have- If I’d known she’d… I’m why Clarke was unarmed when Echo attacked her. It would have been my fault. Even when I ordered her to stop as her Heda she wouldn’t.” Madi’s voice began to shake but her face stayed neutral. “No one helped me try to make her stop. Raven and Shaw just stood there and watched. I had to threaten to not lead their army if she didn’t. Even that was barely enough to make her listen.”

When Echo… When Echo what? There was no… That couldn’t… Bellamy’s whole body was heaving as he struggled to draw in air.

Madi spun to face him once more, taking an aggressive step closer, that vicious anger he’d witnessed in the shop underlining her features. “And you know what? You’re the one whose lucky my threat worked because if she murdered Clarke nothing could have made me help you. Not you, not the Commanders. Nothing. I’d let you all die - every one of you - for killing my mom. For making me watch. It was one thing when my first mom died in front of me from radiation, but Clarke, like that- Echo almost killed everyone. For the time you would have lasted you’d have to live with knowing Clarke was slowly strangled to death because of you - if you cared - and all of our people were going to die because of you. Because of what your girlfriend did because of you. The fact you were fine didn’t matter to her. Clarke saved me instead of you from Octavia and Echo was going to kill her out of spite.

“Then. And then. After I barely got Echo to let her live and convinced Clarke to let me lead our people into the kill zone for you, then she saved Echo and told me to go with her so she could stay behind, by herself, to try to stop the transport ship. Did she get a thank you? Of course not- all she got was the blame afterward. You hypocrites will never let it go as if what she’ll do because she loves me is less redeemable than what you do for each other. Like our family doesn’t count. It doesn’t matter in comparison to yours.

“When everything was done, before we went into cryo, Clarke told me we had to let it go. We were going to have to live with her and moving past what happened was the only way to get any peace. Echo was good for you. She made you happy and we should focus on that. We were starting fresh; we should think about the future not the past. I guess the rest of you didn’t get the message.” Madi laughed bitterly, it being the catalyst for her expression crumbling, face scrunching up as she barely got the rest of her words out. “Now you all get to walk around with your perfect little family; you get to live happily ever after with Echo. I made myself smile and take archery lessons from her and Clarke sees you every day with the woman who tried to kill her and we convinced ourselves that was fine. We’ve pretended, even to each other, to ourselves, all of you didn’t hurt us and we aren’t paying for what you did to us for one another. Then you- you-” Madi bit her lip to hold back the tears that had begun to line her lower lids. 

RJ by now looked more moving statue than man but he put his hand on her back in comfort anyway and she leaned into it heavily. She tried to give that awful laugh again but it came out too raggedly to be called even that. “Then you write me letters saying you’re sorry. As if that could ever, ever be enough. Nothing you do will ever be enough to make up for what you’ve done.”

Bellamy sincerely thought he might pass out. What Madi had said had stripped him of his organs, leaving him empty and raw. He could hardly think but still he heard every word echoing in his ears, the layers of agony overlapping as they looped.

Echoing. Echo. Echo had almost… Echo had…

Trying his hardest to focus through the black spots clouding his vision Bellamy made out Madi and RJ’s backs as they walked away. There was nothing more she had to say to him. That fact was a blessing in that it gave him the chance to live through the torture and simultaneously felt like she had officially killed him; he was as good as already in his grave. Madi. Madi had nothing more to say to him.

Bellamy jerked when a hand landed on his shoulder. Confused, he glanced around and tried to make sense of the world around him. He was sitting on the side of the mess hall, his back pressed again the metal. The light was no longer that of breaking dawn but the glaring brightness of midday. He didn’t recall getting himself there or the time that had passed.

“Hey,” Niylah said gently from where she crouched in front of him. “Are you alright? Everyone’s been searching for you for-”

Noticing the radio in her other hand Bellamy robotically took it from her and chucked it as far and hard as he could. 

“Ok.” She let go of him and scooted back a little. “Tell me what you need right now. You were dehydrated the other day- How about I get you some water? We can start there.”

“I need to be left alone.”

“Sure. I’m going to get you that water and then I’ll tell everyone to-”

“Leave me the hell alone!” he shouted in her face. Niylah did not shift further away or appear particularly impressed, only more concerned.

“You got it. When I find another radio,” she glanced towards where hers was distantly in pieces on the ground, brow arched, “I will let the others know you need some alone time. I recommend that water when you feel up to it.” Standing, she lingered for a moment, adding, “And perhaps dropping by the med tent. You don’t look so well and killing yourself with neglect is still suicide. I see how much you want to help our people; you dead helps no one.” 

Bellamy felt through his misery another level of shame as she walked to where the radio had landed, carefully picking up the mess he’d made.

He tried his best to return to the blank nothingness his mind had kindly hidden him in as he began to fall apart, Bellamy found it was now out of his reach. He clung to the memory, trying to stave off the mounting panic and pain he felt building in his chest. 

He couldn’t stay there. He couldn’t be there. The thought of someone else finding him, speaking to him, asking him what was wrong turned his stomach. Everything was wrong. Everything.

Bellamy forced himself to his feet and began to walk, unsure of his destination but very sure of the urgent need to hide. He wasn’t aware of much, but what he did know was the swelling pressure in him felt like a bomb about to blow and he was scared. He was sincerely, truly scared about what would happen and he wanted to be clear of civilians before it went off.

He made it almost all of the way to the secret training ground he and Murphy had built for Madi. Near the end of the path one of his dragging feet caught on a root and he went down hard to his knees and that was all it took. Curling over them, dragging his fingers with brutal force across the compacted dirt searching and failing to find something to hold onto, he exploded into a million pieces. He completely self-destructed. 

Sobbing, he pressed his forehead to the ground and wished ardently he was six feet beneath it.

There was so much… There was too much… He was a jumbled mess, too many shards of shrapnel buried bone deep to understand how to differentiate one from another. They fought for his attention, each taking turns digging in further and further.

She said it would have been her fault. Madi had really said that. She’d fought so hard to stay in control of her emotions and that was what had first caused her voice to tremble. 

_…She can’t stop hearing you tell her that her mother, and all of our people, were going to die because of her. She’s a little girl. She was scared…_

He was why she thought like that. As if the weight she was carrying because of him wasn’t enough, she also sincerely felt guilty about things out of her control. He told her that saving everyone was her responsibility. He did that to her. He hadn’t meant to but he did.

As for… As for… He wanted so, so badly to believe it wasn’t true. From the bottom of his heart he wished what she said about what happened between Echo and Clarke wasn’t true. A mistake. Almost as badly he wished that if it had, it wasn’t something that would be kept from him. Clarke, Echo, Madi… Raven, he recalled with a jolt… If it was real and they all knew, it had been months. He’d sat at meals with them, together, and he never would have imagined… The only thing that made that situation remotely conceivable was the reasoning Madi shared. 

_…Moving past what happened was the only way to get any peace. Echo was good for you. She made you happy and we should focus on that. We were starting fresh; we should think about the future not the past… I made myself smile and take archery lessons from her and Clarke sees you every day with the woman who tried to kill her and we convinced ourselves that was fine…_

Nothing sounded more like Clarke. Painfully, horribly, terrifyingly selfless. 

If what Madi said was true - God, please, please, somehow let it not be true - he would’ve understood if she refused to save mankind after. First, the monstrous burden he’d forced on her, taking away her future - the way Russel had taken Clarke’s life, practically killing her - if they’d then taken Clarke from her too… She would have been owed her vengeance. 

_…For killing my mom. For making me watch. It was one thing when my first mom died in front of me from radiation, but Clarke, like that…_

She’d been through so much. She’d endured so much more than anyone should be expected to, let alone a child. Madi had survived the unsurvivable, bore so much she never should have been burdened with, the things he’d made her do, and all of it after watching every person she’d known burn alive, leaving her alone in the world. Until Clarke had come for her. She’d watched her parents die, helpless. She said she couldn’t make Echo stop, clearly feeling helpless. Losing Clarke would have been bad enough but knowing it had gone through her mind that for the second time she was going to be forced to watch the person she loved most- 

Bellamy’s crying became entirely silent, too consuming to draw in air.

_… Live with knowing Clarke was slowly strangled to death because of you… If you cared…What your girlfriend did because of you… Echo was going to kill her out of spite…_

Please, please, please let it not be true.

_…You hypocrites will never let it go as if what she’ll do because she loves me is less redeemable than what you do for each other. Like our family doesn’t count. It doesn’t matter in comparison to yours…_

They counted. They mattered. More than- More than anything. The way they loved each other both broke his heart and mended it to a state better than they’d found it in every time he saw them together. He didn’t need to like what happened to accept that everything Clarke had done was understandable. He’d forgiven her for everything, foolishly thinking that went without saying. She was protecting her daughter. He would expect nothing less.

_…You all get to walk around with your perfect little family; you get to live happily ever after… We’ve pretended, even to each other, to ourselves, you didn’t hurt us and we aren’t paying for what you did to us for one another…_

They weren’t. What happily ever after? What perfect family? 

With a stunning and soul-crushing realization Bellamy accepted how idiotic he’d been. Hearing Madi say that smacked how much it wasn’t true across his face. Nothing was the way he was trying so hard to pretend it was. Every awful thing… So many times when he had been certain he wouldn’t be able to put one foot in front of the other the vision he held so deeply in his core of the way things would be if they survived a little longer, a little longer, just a little longer, was what had kept him drudging forward. And now he realized what a stupid, childish fantasy it was. It had always been. He didn’t know what had ever given him a reason to think it was something that could ever be real. If anything he had all the proof he’d ever need to know he could never pull something like that off. He could never make anyone happy or do anything right and he’d stubbornly pretended he could ever change that. As if he could be enough, as if-

_…As if that could ever, ever be enough. Nothing you do will ever be enough…_

Clarke was right wishing he was dead. That he’d died on the Ring. He wished he had too. All he did was hurt people. All he did was hurt them. They were never going to be happy or safe or at peace and it was his fault. It was entirely his fault and nothing he did could ever make it better. No matter how hard he tried he always ended up doing the wrong thing. He always made things worse. 

He’d left Clarke to die horribly in Praimfya and when she managed not to, he’d left her to suffer alone for years. Clarke had said she’d stopped fighting to live because of him. She nearly let Josephine kill her because of him, just like Echo - if, if, if - Echo had killed her it would have been because of him. He was the trigger that was making her sick - he didn’t care what Gabriel said, it was the truth - and he’d almost killed her that way too. He’d neglected her, ignored her, when she actually needed him for once. He’d nearly killed her under the Red Sun. She had said he’d tried to build Wonkru so badly that she was the one having to take on the responsibility and risk of pissing off their entire population because he couldn’t do anything right and it was true. As much as he wanted to keep her safe his very existence put Clarke in danger. After all she’d done and how much she deserved better he kept putting her in danger.

_…Thanks to you, Madi will always be in danger. I'd rather she not die like every other Commander… Brutally and young…_

As bad as it was that he was perpetually killing Clarke, now it was Madi too. They weren’t safe with him. He was a monster. He couldn’t stop hurting them. 

_…Her childhood is over before it even started. Because of you. She is never going to trust anyone again because of all of you. She's going to be lonely, her entire life, just like me, and it's your fault. I can't fix the part of her heart you broke…_

It took longer than it should have for Bellamy to realize the sensation of choking to death was from more than his epiphanies. He hadn’t made it to the clearing and the path to it wove through the trees. He must have been there a while; long enough for several vines to begin weaving themselves around his limbs, one tightening across his throat. 

Lashing out in heartbreak and frustration Bellamy ripped himself out of their hold, barely staggering to his feet to keep going, and then immediately regretted it. He should have let the damn things have him. As fertilizer at least he’d be good for something.

He made it, somehow, and struggled to not immediately collapse again when a clear destination appeared. In the flat grass, the boulder stood out, a beacon.

That was the first place he and Clarke had gone after their breakthrough visit to Sanctum together. Things had still been an uphill battle after but it had been the first real moments they’d shared in too long and it had changed things on a fundamental level, giving them a foundation to start building their way back from. He’d ruined it all, but for that brief moment, they had come to this clearing together as partners.

They’d shared mutually proud glances as Madi trained with Octavia. When Madi had flung herself at her mother for one of her classic impactful hugs Bellamy had the opportunity to touch Clarke, ready to catch them both if they lost their balance, and then Madi had wrapped herself around him with equal enthusiasm. He’d lead them both to the boulder, arm around Madi and hand splayed wide on Clarke’s back, the feeling such a soothing reassurance she was really there. He knew how hard the conversation they’d had was for her and was especially grateful she’d let him keep physical contact because it was so effortless to rub her back in comforting support and was able to feel the way her muscles had slightly eased as he did. With Madi perched up on the rock Clarke had disclosed the details of her illness, the girl looking to him for reassurance things were really going to be alright more than once and taking his word for it when he told her it would be.

Sagging against the rock, tears still streaming, Bellamy let himself slide down to sit propped against it. That brought to mind a night a lifetime ago, sitting side-by-side with Clarke.

_…I need you…You need forgiveness? Fine, I’ll give it to you. You’re forgiven…_

Bellamy fisted his hair to the point of pain as a fresh wave of sobs hit him. 

_… I. Don’t. Need. You. We don’t need you… That’s the past. Now it’s Madi and I…_

By the time Bellamy had cried himself out, hollowed, he found it was nearly nightfall. He’d missed an entire day and found he couldn’t care less. He felt only an aching numbness.

That said, he couldn’t stay there, so he got back up on shaky limbs, exhausted from the outpouring. He took one step. Then another. It felt like anchors weighed them down. There wasn’t a reason for this anymore. Now he knew the destination he’d always been chasing didn’t exist and it made all the years he’d spent doing exactly that hit him hard. All of it had been completely pointless. He’d made it through all of that for nothing.

Slowly and with great effort he made it home, vaguely aware other people were existing and moving in every direction around him but no one tried to talk to or touch him and for that he was distantly grateful. 

He knew if he was his old self he’d pause at his front door, dreading going inside. However, he was a different person now. He’d left his heart somewhere in that clearing and going through the motions of doing what had to be done was easier for it. 

Inside, he found the place empty. Utterly empty. Surveying his ‘home’ with his new, neutral eyes Bellamy saw it for the first time. It was a shell. There was a bed, and a table with chairs, and a fireplace, and the drawings he’s propped on the mantel of Monty, Jasper and Octavia courtesy of Clarke. That was it.

Clarke saying she wasn’t one of them… Bellamy had the pair of padded custom chairs made for her because in his ridiculous dream of the future he’d always imagined they would chat about their days and running Wonkru together lounging in them nightly. It seemed the most obvious thing in the world at the time. And for all Clarke had proven she could hold her own physically plenty of times the truth was her greatest strength was her mind and he’d wanted her to have a comfortable spot for the countless hours she’d surely spend deep in thought. He’d known that second chair was for more than him - Clarke drew people like moths to a flame after all - and he’d been right, finding Madi curled up there frequently, that asshole RJ, and obviously Miller every evening.

Plus, maybe her house was mostly decorated thanks to Murphy’s weird red-toxin coping mechanism, but it was more than that. The bottle of moonshine from Miller. A moon of beaten and reshaped metal that Emori had helped Madi make to match the little sun Murphy had stolen for Clarke. There was a large stone Octavia had given them after one of her explorations in the forest, the swirling vibrant white, black, green and blue unlike anything they’d ever seen on Earth. The vase on her mantel was nearly never empty and if he asked about the pretty blooms she always had a story to tell. She and Madi had loved a field of poppies in Shadow Valley and when Madi found something similar she had brought her mom a bouquet of them. The flowers so dark they were almost black with brilliant green centers that she told him glowed when the seeds released were from Jackson. Murphy and Emori had shown up with a handful of yellow jagged leaves that were weirdly beautiful, Clarke grinning when she said they were weeds and that had apparently made them think of her. 

Clarke said she wasn’t one of them but all signs proved she was more than Bellamy himself. She’d come to Wonkru well after he’d started screwing everything up, and though he’d made both of their houses, she’d made hers a home. People thought about Clarke affectionately when she wasn’t around and she didn’t seem to even notice that she had evidence to prove it. Bellamy might have been dead-set on making them into a happy family but no matter what he did he kept failing at everything, especially that. Clarke didn’t have to try. Since the beginning people were drawn to her. Meanwhile, Bellamy had forced his sister to push him away so many times despite how much he loved her. That was the only family he’d ever had and even she couldn’t stand him. Clarke was his best friend in any world they were on but she could and had replaced him so easily more than once. She kept leaving him over and over without a second thought. Who could blame her? He wasn’t enough to stay for. He never had been.

The day's revelations listed themselves off on repeat as he made his way towards the window in his bedroom.

He had, beyond belief, hurt Madi and Clarke. He ruined their lives forever and hurt them and he’d keep doing it. He’d only ever had the best of intentions then, so obviously no matter what he thought he’d do in the future it was doubtlessly going to happen. For example, everything happening with Wonkru falling on Clarke and Madi. They were suffering, they were in danger again, because of him. Clarke had said she would have kept helping them until she inevitably died enough to stay dead because of it. He’d killed her so many times already. No matter what she said, he knew her, and if something was seriously wrong she’d intervene no matter what. He was going to do something wrong and kill her again. Now Madi too.

There was no coming back from that. He could never be forgiven for that. He shouldn’t be.

As much as he wanted the others to be a family the truth was they weren’t. He’d put Octavia and how isolated she was on the back burner even though she needed him. Miller and Jackson were a family. Emori and Murphy. He’d thought he’d known Raven so well and now it was apparent that he didn’t at all. He kept slamming all of these entities together, demanding they be one, not stopping to see that it wasn’t what they wanted. It didn’t work. They weren’t really a family. He’d been so selfish. He’d pretended why wanted what he wanted was best for everyone but clearly he didn’t. He’d thought he’d been trying so hard to make everyone happy but he was making it worse the whole time. He couldn’t stop making everything worse.

He was bad for Wonkru. He was bad for his friends. He was a danger to Madi and Clarke. He’d been trying so, so hard and after all these years he still only hurt people. He wasn’t capable of more than that. He’d faked it so much even he’d believed it but the truth was he was still the self-centered, angry, reckless janitor that hadn’t even gotten the credit for his first genocide. Ripping Raven’s radio out and throwing it into the river had killed so many innocent people. Everyone had moved forward from that like he wasn’t already a murderer but he was. Even if he didn’t mean for that to happen it didn’t make it any less his fault. It was entirely his fault.

Bellamy yanked hard on the windowsill and it came off, as intended. 

_“…I’ll let you know if I need you for anything…”_ Clarke had said when he’s shown up at her door, making it obvious that would never, ever be the case.

 _“…Count on you? I can’t trust him? I can’t trust HIM?…”_ Madi scoffed in disbelief when he’d tried to check on her, before listing only a few of the horrible things he’d done.

When they’d woken everyone up from cryo Bellamy had confiscated all of the guns. He wanted to make it harder for their people to hurt one another. He’d hidden them in the walls of all of their friend's houses as they’d been built hoping no one would ever need them again but unwilling to destroy them just in case. That’s the kind of person he was. The man who slaughtered an innocent army that couldn’t defend themselves. He couldn’t let go of his advantage to hurt people. He was hurting everyone anyway, only now he was drawing it out. With the Trikru massacre, he blamed Pike but it was him. He couldn’t have stopped it and he didn’t. Now there was no one to pass the blame off on. It was all him and he still wasn’t stopping it.

 _“…The rest of us can function without some puppet master telling us what do…”_ Raven had told him, _“… You take charge of everything you can and then complain how hard it is…”_

Bellamy reached into the cavity in the wall and pulled out a handgun. It felt so familiar. Like an extension of himself. Because it was. All he did was hurt people.

 _“I thought you cared about us the way we cared about you but we were wrong…”_ Madi had said after Clarke and Raven’s fight. _“…You promised me you would take care of Clarke. You promised her you’d protect me. Go ahead and ask me again to believe anything you say. I dare you…”_

She was right. She shouldn’t trust him. No one should. He was a coward, a manipulator, a liar. A complete and utter failure. A danger to everyone he loved.

Octavia had said, _“We both know she’s going to forgive us eventually. Whether we deserve it or not - and we don’t - Clarke will always be Clarke…”_

That was true. Clarke would always be Clarke. Maybe she would somehow find a way to forgive him but she shouldn’t. She deserved better than that. He also knew he was too weak and selfish to resist being in her life if she’d allow it. Even if he knew it would hurt her and Madi. They deserved better than that. He was supposed to be protecting them.

 _“…Poor kid has enough going on; I can’t have you making her cry to top it all off…”_ Diyoza had told him when she denied him access to their house. She could see it. She knew. RJ too. They knew they needed to be protected from him.

Bellamy was raising the gun when a thought forced its way through the resounding others.

 _“I know it’s a big ask, but try not to kill yourself over this quite yet, alright?”_ Murphy had said the other day. It was enough to make Bellamy pause. 

He was right. No matter how much Madi and Clarke hated him he couldn’t do this. He’d already given Madi a complex about everything being her fault. If he did this right after their conversation she’d feel responsible. Clarke was already under enough pressure. He didn’t want to add convincing Madi it wasn’t on top of it all. He couldn’t do that to them. He couldn’t do this. Not quite yet.

Everything inside him still felt numb but he could make out a deep aching disappointment.

After dropping the gun back into its compartment Bellamy woodenly picked up the board covering and jammed it back into place, hiding his unstoppable need for violence from being so easily visible.

He hadn’t been slouched at his table more than a few minutes before Echo walked in. She smiled upon seeing him, which quickly morphed into a soft frown when he held up a hand to stop her as she’d begun to step his way.

“Tell me you didn’t,” Bellamy said flatly. His fervent wish that Madi’s admission wasn’t true hadn’t left him. “Look me in the eye and tell me you didn’t try to kill Clarke.”

Echo tensed, her face going slack for a second before her brow furrowed deeply in confusion. “Bellamy, what are you talking about?”

“On Earth. Before we left. Tell me you didn’t try to kill Clarke. Please make me believe that because I can’t…” He shook his head. Saying he couldn’t live with knowing that happened was a stupid phrase to use. He already couldn’t live with himself. He simply didn’t want to spend the time until then knowing Echo had really done that because of him.

“Of course I didn’t,” she said, sounding truly taken aback. “What are you talking about?”

“Madi. Madi said she saw you fighting Clarke and that you almost killed her. Madi had to threaten to not lead Wonkru to make you stop. Please tell me that isn’t true."

“Yes, we fought. I’m not going to deny that but-” Whatever she saw on Bellamy’s face had her taking several steps closer until he flung his hand up again to make her stop. “But it’s not what it sounds like.”

“How else could it be?”

“She was holding a gun on our friends. I only started fighting her off so Raven could free Madi from the shock collar Clarke had put on her.”

“Madi said you weren’t just fighting. You were killing her for leaving me behind.”

“Bellamy, listen to yourself,” Echo said gently, trying to inch closer and Bellamy narrowed his eyes. If she seriously tried to touch him at the moment… She stilled. “Looking back, I get how Madi could have gotten the wrong impression. She was frightened, emotions were high, Clarke had been electrocuting her, and then people she’d never met in person before showed up and one of them started to fight her mother. I wish she would have talked to me about being upset earlier so I could remind her what really happened and help her understand. I was only distracting and subduing Clarke so we could save Madi. It during that when Clarke betrayed us again. She had an open mic on her the whole time. That was when Raven and Shaw were taken to be tortured and I was almost executed.”

“None of it was about me then. At all. You didn’t try to kill my best friend because of me.”

“Was I especially gentle with her given what she’d done? No. But I wasn’t there to intentionally hurt her and I didn’t try to kill her. You know I respect Clarke. I’m grateful to her for keeping you - and the rest of my family - alive. I only did what I had to do to protect the people I love. That’s all I ever do. I’ve never had a family before and I’ll do anything for this one. You mean everything to me. You know that.”

Bellamy sighed. He wanted so, so badly to believe her. She was telling him what happened so easily, so logically, so calmly, like she had nothing to hide. But she had. “If that’s true, why did you keep what happened from me? If you know me at all you’d know I’d never be alright with you hurting her and I’d need an explanation. I’d want to know about it. I’d need to.”

“What would be the point? Clarke and I were already past it - I didn’t realize Madi wasn’t - and I do know you. We’ve spent years constantly together, we survived every awful thing when we landed back on Earth together; I know you better than you know yourself. I knew you’d react like this; that you’d get this upset over something we can’t change. Plus, have you told me about every argument you’ve had or punch you’ve thrown? I saw your hands after Russel Lightborne got here. I didn’t press you to tell me about-”

“That is not the same as fighting Clarke, especially in front of Madi. You know that.”

“Bellamy, I’ll talk to them. This is a big misunderstanding. We’re all fine and when-”

“They are not fine,” Bellamy’s emptiness flared hot with anger before turning to embers once more. He was one to talk. They weren’t fine because of him. That said- “They think I’d be willing to sleep with - spend my life with - someone who’d kill Clarke out of cold-blooded vengeance. I don’t know how they’ve been able to look at me this whole time.”

The sensitive concern on Echo’s face began melting away. “You are not the bad guy in this situation and neither am I. I’m telling you I didn’t try to kill Clarke and you should believe me. The only reason I was there and the only reason Clarke and I had to fight at all was because I was trying to save Madi. I was trying to save everyone. I have given you no reason to doubt my honesty, my dependability, and loyalty to you all of this time. I love you. I know you love me, so show me. Trust me. Please.”

He stared at her. Studied her. She was right- They’d been together every day for years. Six years, the last three as a couple. In love. He’d promised her nothing between them would change when they got back to Earth and he’d meant it. When he threatened Octavia that he would leave with Echo if she wasn’t allowed to stay with Wonkru, he had meant it. She deserved that from him. He really had been afraid for her when she defected to act as a spy in Eden and worried if she’d survive during the ensuing fight. He appreciated that despite the fact leading wasn’t her thing she tried to support him how she could. When she found out he wanted kids she’d actively gone out of her way to make that a reality, thinking he meant then.

But that removed, neutral space he was in was allowing him to assess more than their home in a fresh light and seeing himself for what he really was. He could see their relationship too. 

The worry, the appreciation, the care, and the respect he felt for her were real. They also weren’t enough. They were rooted in loyalty but that wasn’t the same as love. He’d noted before that they wouldn’t have ended up together if not for being on the Ring all that time. Instead of romantic, now that felt sad. They’d found a way to make it work with the only option they had. He’d also said that they were both loyal to the point it was literally a flaw. That was profoundly true. They cared about each other, sincerely, and therefore didn’t even consider if how they were defining what that meant had been out of loneliness, and then habit.

“Bellamy,” Echo said, pulling him out of his reverie. “I’ve sworn to dedicate my life to loving and protecting our people, our family, and I thought you felt the same. Then you hear I might have, maybe, from a skewed perspective, hurt Clarke and all of that goes out the window. You assumed it’s true without even listening to what I have to say. You know that I’m the woman who thinks highly of you and will stay with you and support you unconditionally. I’m not going to abandon you, yet this is what I get in thanks. I don’t know how to express to you how disappointed and betrayed I feel right now. You’re not the man I thought you were.”

Get in line.

Before he could reply Echo left, slamming the door behind her. He should go after her, he knew, but instead stared blankly at the wall in front of him.

Did he think Echo was lying? He so badly wanted to believe her. The way she’d explained things did make sense. In any other circumstance, he probably would have taken her word for it. What she said was true; she had proven herself. He knew she did love him. He did trust her. He could easily give her the benefit of the doubt and convince himself she wasn’t lying to him. However. He didn’t think Madi was lying either. It was one or the other.

He knew the truth usually existed somewhere between two-sides of a story but there was no gray area in this situation. Either Echo had tried to kill Clarke or she didn’t. Simple as that. He’d heard Madi’s version of events and he’d heard Echo’s. They both could be believed. Now he had to choose which truth he was going to accept. There was no seeing both sides. No trying to find a middle ground. It was one or the other.

It was Clarke and Madi, or Echo.

Grabbing the paper and pen he had at the ready for his daily ‘reports’, he scrawled the only thing he could think to say. The shortest message that he needed to say above all else.

_‘I swear I didn’t know. Please, please believe me. -B’_

He was nearly out of the door before he turned back, digging out the lengthy letter he’d written the first night. 

Maybe Madi would still throw it in the fire. She had every right. However, on the off chance she didn’t, Bellamy wanted her to know that he didn’t only take their side. He wanted to let her know that the two of them meant more to him than they could ever imagine. He hoped the honesty of what he poured onto those pages helped her see that he would never - could never - be fine with someone hurting Clarke. No matter the situation or reason there was nothing that could excuse someone laying a hand on her. Bellamy had bleed enough of his heart onto those pages he hoped that message would come through. He’d never let someone hurt Clarke.

He didn’t expect her to forgive him. Neither of them. Not even in the slightest. But they needed to know. When he was gone he knew they’d still have every reason to hate him. All he could hope for was for them to know that despite every terrible thing he’d done, he did love them. They shouldn’t reciprocate but maybe knowing that fact at least some of their memories of him could be cast in a gentler light. It would make things easier to think that maybe they’d remember some parts of their history fondly. That was more than they owed him but he had to hold on to some kind of hope to get through the waiting period he was going to put himself through for their sakes. That was the hope he chose.

It was approaching dinner but he didn’t want to pass this final message through Diyoza. It was higher risk slipping it under their door himself but he knew she’d ask too many questions. He was going to give them these final pages and then leave them in peace.

Bellamy was nearing their porch when the heart he’d thought was long gone lurched. Their door was wide open. There was no movement from inside and the door had been left…

That mysterious heart pounding, Bellamy closed the final steps to their threshold and when he did his worst fears were exceeded. The letter dropped from his hand, forgotten, as he took in the massive amount of blood smeared across the floor. Black. Black blood was everywhere.

He had to catch the doorframe to keep himself upright. Clarke. Madi. This was their house. They were both nightbloods. That blood, that much blood, had to have come from one of them. Maybe even both. There was so much of it. He wasn’t sure if… If someone could survive losing that much.

That thought put his adrenaline into overdrive, shoving his self-loathing and despair into the backseat. He had to find them. They were somewhere, they were hurt, and he had to find them.

Sprinting, Bellamy headed for Raven’s machine shop. It was the first place he could think of that they would go. It passed his mind that the medical tent would be another likely destination but dismissed it. If they were that seriously injured or sick they would be trying to get to Gabriel. He was sure of it. 

As he slid into the garage, over the beating of his heart, Bellamy sort of registered hearing something. Popping noises followed by loud hisses. It took a fraction of a second to comprehend what was causing it.

Octavia had the two blades she always wore in hand and was puncturing a Rover tire with both. There was a clear path of where she’d already been, most of their vehicles already sitting on rims. Propped against the nearest Diyoza was breastfeeding Hope, observing Octavia’s work mildly.

“Octavia, what are you-” Bellamy began, deeply confused, rushing forward to stop her, then drawn to a halt when Diyoza spun to block his path.

“Leave it,” she ordered.

“Leave- What the hell is going on? Where’s Clarke? Clarke and Madi? Have you seen them?”

Diyoza tilted her head oddly. “Yeah. You could say that.”

They were there? Bellamy rushed around to get a better look into the shop itself. In it he found some of his friends but not his family. There was no Clarke. No Madi.

“Where are they?” He knew he sounded a little deranged and could not possibly care less. No one seemed to notice, or that he was speaking at all.

Behind her drafting table, Raven stood as still as a statue, her eyes fixed wide and red-rimmed, Murphy next to her. He appeared consumed by staring at nothing, patting her back haltingly, both of them unconcerned by Octavia’s destruction.

“What is going on,” Bellamy demanded again but it was like everyone had entered a different dimension he couldn’t reach them in.

“This is my fault,” Raven forced out, not directed at anyone in particular, sounding half disbelieving and half stricken.

“Yeah,” Murphy told her distantly as he continued to pat, “it is.”

“I can’t… I didn’t… She’s Clarke. I didn’t-”

“Shut up, Raven,” another voice said tiredly and Bellamy made out Emori sitting on the ground, her head tilted back as she rhythmically bounced it against the table leg. 

Their behavior did nothing but increase his panic.

Diyoza seemed to be the only person who was mentally sound at the moment so Bellamy bounded back to her. “What happened- Where’s Clarke?” he asked in one breath.

“She’s gone,” Diyoza told him, shifting Hope up to begin burping her. Seeing his face she clucked her tongue. “Not gone-gone. She’s not dead. She is, however, on her way to Sanctum to stay that way. Madi’s with her. They’re going to be fine.”

“I saw the- There was blood. I need to go-”

Before he could make a move Diyoza stepped into his way again. “Unfortunately, that’s not an option at the moment.”

“The hell it’s not. I-” The next pop came and he gained enough brainpower to fully understand what Octavia was doing. “Stop! O, stop. I have to go.” Only the fact Diyoza was holding Hope precariously in one arm prevented him from forcefully shoving past her in the narrow space between Rover’s to get to his sister as she continued to methodically ruin his chances of getting to Clarke and Madi. “Octavia, stop!”

She shook her head, and from the shift of angles he could make out that there were tears trailing down her face as she worked. “I’m sorry, Bell. This is what they need from me.”

“What about what I need? O, stop! I need to go after them.”

“I was going to kill Clarke,” his sister said, voice breaking on her name, shoulders beginning to shake. “I was going to kill Madi. When I saw- I saw both of them when Clarke- I almost did that. I was going to do that to them. I love you but they don’t want to be followed. I’m sorry.”

“I mean it, O, stop, I need-” He had grabbed Diyoza’s shoulders and was trying get her out of the way but she was like a brick wall and now blatantly using the baby to keep him from busting through her.

“You actually should,” Diyoza commented. When Octavia glanced up at her, betrayed, Diyoza quickly added, “No, not like that. No one is hunting them down on our watch. I mean when you’re finished with that one-“ the wheel in question was slashed at that moment “-we’ll only have one operating vehicle until they manage to patch these all up. Best not-” Octavia stabbed into the next tire and Diyoza snorted in dry amusement. “Ok then, or not.”

“He’ll find a way to use it no matter what we do to stop him. I’m sorry, Bell. I am.”

With the whooshing of the escaping air blowing away his chances of catching up with them, Bellamy ran his hands through his hair with stress, dimly trying not to rip it out but there was no telling if he was succeeding or not, too consumed by his thoughts to notice much else.

“What happened? There was… I saw,” Bellamy tried not to gag. “There was so much…”

“It’s like what happened in Sanctum,” Murphy provided, blinking slowly back into existence. “She looked like when you carried her back. When we went into the lab.”

Bellamy was struck by lightheadedness so intense he could only tell he swayed by the fact Diyoza caught his arm. He staggered the few feet between himself and the front of the Rover, leaning on it for support.

She had looked like… What she’d looked like that day was etched into his mind forever. So pale, sweat dampening her skin and hair, and all of the blood. It had been all over her, all over their bed, all over him. He’d noticed plenty of times when they hugged that it surprised him how small Clarke actually was. Her presence, her personality, took up so much space it was easy to overlook that she herself didn’t. Carrying her all of that way through the woods she had felt too small. She’d lost too much blood.

Now, seeing the amount left on her floor… He couldn’t make sense of that much blood, coming out of Clarke. And of Diyoza and Octavia telling him he couldn’t go after her.

They disabled the Rovers? Fine. He’d walk. She had. Sick, when he’d been ignoring her, and she’d been dying. Bellamy started to take his own weight and Diyoza quickly shut that down, using all of her weight and free hand to firmly press his chest back against the metal support. 

Then she said the only thing that would ever, ever, ever stop him from sprinting after them.

“She’ll live,” Diyoza informed him with complete confidence. “They’re tough and RJ’s with them, so rest easy. He’ll make sure they’re fine.”

_…I take good care of Madi and GOOD care of Clarke… I’m the man they need now… They’re not yours to worry about anymore…_

It was one thing for RJ to say it. It was Madi’s nod of agreement following him staking his claim on them that stilled him. 

Everyone. Every single person had told him to leave them alone because if he went near them he’d make everything worse. He’d gone to Madi anyway, despite all the warnings, and he didn’t know how it happened but that had to be what was wrong with Clarke. He was what was making her sick. He’d selfishly put wanting to talk to them first and now Clarke was dying. Again. Because of him. If he went after them he’d only make everything worse. He’d find a way no matter his intentions. If he cared about them - and he did, so, so much - he had to stay away. He was killing them.

“You don’t know that,” Murphy argued, “The way she-”

“She’ll live,” Diyoza said more firmly, looking at them one by one, daring anyone to contradict her. “If I thought there was a chance she wouldn’t I’d be with them. As is, her problem is blood loss and she’s hooked up to blood with plenty to spare. RJ can deliver her to Gabriel and he can get her sorted out. Plus, Clarke’s not going to go and die on Madi. Even if she wasn’t the Commander of Death, the Grim Reaper would walk away with a black eye if he tried to take her from that kid, now of all times. I get that was scary, I get you have lots of ‘feelings’ about the whole ordeal, but we need to get some things handled before they get back so I need you all to put on your big girl panties and focus. Think you can manage that?"

There was a weighted silence as Bellamy wondered if they, like him, weren’t sure that they could in that moment. Then-

“You,” Octavia snarled. Bellamy turned to find Echo in the doorway. Octavia gave no further warning before launching herself toward the other woman, knives raised.

Without a second to spare Echo grabbed a nearby metal pole and began using it to defend herself, the two swinging and slashing with incredible speed.

Bellamy was frozen in place. He didn’t know what was happening and was past overwhelmed.

“Knock it off,” Diyoza ordered with bored annoyance.

Neither listened, their only pause coming naturally when they broke apart, panting. “You’re the one,” Octavia growled as they circled one another. “You almost killed Clarke. I saw you leaving her-”

Echo lunged and their fight began again in earnest as a ringing in Bellamy’s ears began to drown out that of metal on metal. Surely he heard that wrong. She hadn’t. There was no way. He couldn’t… He still didn’t want to believe she was willing to hurt Clarke at all, but especially after their conversation. She wouldn’t… If she had it was because of what he said to her. He’d found another way to hurt them after all. He couldn’t stop.

“We don’t need to do this,” Echo said breathlessly when they separated once more.

“Yeah, actually, we do,” Octavia assured her lowly, causing Bellamy’s hair to stand on end despite everything else. That wasn’t Octavia. That sounded like Blodreina speaking.

“If you put down your weapons I’ll put down mine. We can talk this out. I want-”

“I want you dead. Shut up and fight.”

Before Octavia could renew her attack someone came flying out of left field, nearly too fast to identify. She was barely able to twist her knives out of the way to avoid impaling him as they slammed into the nearest wall.

“Miller! Get off me!”

“Never again. I’m not going to stand by and let you hurt people ever again,” he grunted as she tried to wriggle out of the hold he was using to keep her pinned. 

“Oh for gods- She tried to kill Clarke,” Octavia pointed a blade around him at Echo and Miller darted his eyes toward it and back. “I saw her run out with black blood all over her face and when I went in Clarke was in a pool of it. She could have died.”

Echo turned to address Bellamy, free hand up in innocence, ignoring her accuser. “That’s not true. I spoke to Clarke but that’s not what happened. I went to-”

“But she’s alive? Clarke?” Miller said, oblivious to Echo.

“Yeah, no thanks to her.”

“Oh.” He took a few steps back, pulling Octavia away from the wall with him, searching her face, processing. Then he held out an arm in invitation. “My bad. Carry on.”

“Thank you,” Octavia replied politely, her voice her own again. That didn’t make her gaze any less bloodthirsty when it returned to Echo, who clearly saw that as well and raised her pole higher in preparation. 

Snapping out of his disbelief only enough to know Octavia killing her was not going to get him any answers, Bellamy held up his hands, calling off the fight. “Hold on. Echo. Explain.”

“I just did. We talked, that’s all. I-”

“Why were you in her cabin to begin with?” ‘After our talk,’ he added silently.

She saw it and shook her head hard in denial. “It’s not what you think. I didn’t lay a hand on her, I swear to you. All we did was talk. It wasn’t anything new, we talked before and she was perfectly fine. I had no reason to think this would be any different. All I asked-”

“That would be the conversation I interrupted, that I had to rescue her from. Your ‘advice,’” Octavia filled in.

The conversation Echo been unwilling to tell him about, he recalled. That he’d stupidly, stupidly let go of because everything seemed fine with everyone and he didn’t want to argue.

She clearly saw him think that and shook her head harder. “It wasn’t like that. My only advice was for her was to think about Bellamy and what it was going to do to him when she ran away again. Bellamy,” Echo entreated, “I had a suspicion she was going to leave and when I asked she confirmed it. She said no matter what happened she was going to go as soon as she could. I know you have abandonment issues - which she plays a big part in - and I knew how hard it was going to be on you when she left without warning again, and this time for good. After our conversation earlier I went to her place to ask if that was still her intention, that’s it. I wasn’t trying to fight, only where she stood on that plan. I was trying to take care of you.”

Raven of all people was the one to reply first, her voice as brittle and edged as shards of glass. “Tough-as-nails Clarke had a reaction like that because you asked about her travel plans?”

“All I did was remind her about what she said when we talked before. She’d said it was a bad idea for her to stay here, and unlike before, I’m worried enough that I almost agree with her. I’m sorry, but our family has been through so much together and now we’re falling apart. Each of you have as good as told me that in the past few days. She’s why you and Bellamy are having problems, Raven. She’s why there’s tension between all of us. She was going to leave you no matter what you did, and as the woman who is always going to stay I need to think about our future. You’re my family and it’s my job to protect you. All I wanted to know was what her intentions were so I could look out for you. Clarke has hurt everyone here so many times, and I get she wants to do better, but can you really blame me for being worried about your best interests? I love you too much to do nothing. Bellamy, you would do the same if you saw me being treated that way. You know you would. You’d do more. All I did was talk to her.”

“But to clarify, when she had a medical emergency while you were there you left her as she bled out,” Raven persisted, “Am I getting that timeline right?”

“No, that’s not-”

“Octavia said she went to check on her because she saw Clarke’s blood on you. You saw what was happening and left her to die.”

“Raven, why are you being like this? You’re the one who put all of this in motion. When we talked you brought up what awful things she does and we’ll always come in second so we’ll never be able to stop her from doing them. You were the first one to say she was tearing apart our family. All I did was talk to her because I was worried you were right. I didn’t touch her.”

“None of that meant I want her DEAD. You just left her like- like-”

“You were with me on Earth when we went for Madi. You didn’t feel that way when-” Echo’s head jerked back a fraction as she realized what she was saying, eyes flicking to Bellamy and then quickly away.

He knew he felt things about that. He couldn’t quite feel them, however. This was so unreal. He was in a horrible nightmare. None of this could possibly be real.

“She’s Clarke. I didn’t think you’d really go through with actually KILLING her. That she’d really DIE. You were only scaring her, because she… And she didn’t. I get now that might have been… was… a… a misjudgment of the… situation.” Raven pressed her fingertips to her forehead with anxious distress, hard, repeating, “She’s CLARKE. Even when everybody said Josephine stole her body I didn’t fully believe it and I was right. Since forever, since the beginning- she’s indestructible. Clarke doesn’t get hurt; not really. I mean, there was Praimfya and that’s why up on the Ring I never… Then when she was fine it only supported that fact. We’re the ones at risk when she makes her big decisions without asking anyone, not her. Never her. She’s always going to be… Clarke’s never… It wasn’t until,” she gestured towards the road to Sanctum, “that she’s ever looked… mortal… to me. In so long. Maybe ever. Saying it out loud I know it sounds… but I honestly-”

“You’re right. For someone who makes such a big deal about how smart they are, that’s probably one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard,” Miller chimed in. “Actually, no. The stupidest. Hands-down. The point remains that Echo went to Clarke’s house to start shit, knowing Clarke was sick, and when Clarke started having a reaction she left her there and Clarke almost died because of it.”

“I didn’t touch her,” Echo repeated with the utmost frustration. “I went there to talk because of the way she’s hurting the people I love, not to start shit. All I did was try to hold a conversation to protect my family.” There was a healthy dose of vulnerability never before seen in her expression as she pleaded for them to understand. 

It’s true that her motivation was one any of them could get behind. The result, however, was not. The fact of the matter was they could have lost Clarke and Echo was to blame. There was no excusing that away.

No one said a word as she desperately looked from face to face, predictably lingering on Bellamy’s much longer than the rest.

He was glad his jaw was clenched too hard to speak because he had no clue what words would come out if he could. He couldn’t… The level of… His feelings of… This couldn’t be…

“Protecting your family, huh?” Octavia said as she broke the silence, twirling her knives in both agitation and threat. “You left my brother to die a long time before Clarke ever did. You led him into a trap. Got Gina killed. You killed Ilian. You almost killed me. You’ve tried to kill my sister more than once. You’ve traumatized my niece, more than once. If protecting our family means we get to start killing each other you’re not walking out of here you psychotic-”

“Ok, ok,” Diyoza said, catching Octavia ’s arm to stop her advance before it could get started. “We got it. Echo deserves to rot in hell. I’m with you there. For now, we have other priorities. Our problems are bigger than one crazy bitch.” Diyoza turned and gave Echo a look from head to toe, brow arched. “Not to say said crazy bitch will not get what’s coming to her eventually.” Turning back to Octavia, she lowered her head to intensely catch O’s eye. “This is a distraction. Right now we gotta think about our girls and what’s best for them.”

“Sure. Echo, dead.”

Diyoza sighed in impatience. “Maybe, someday, but definitely not now. That’ll only make things worse.”

Miller scoffed. “How’s that? Because I’m not seeing a downside to right now.”

“And that’s why I hung back from the Sanctum field trip. You fools cannot be left to your own devices. We’re having a family meeting, kids. Team Clarke, right this way…”

Everyone began shuffling towards the door she pointed towards, other than Echo who was still staring imploringly at Bellamy, and Bellamy himself who didn’t know how to move past the moment he felt trapped in. He instinctively flinched upon feeling a touch but found it was his sister taking his hand.

“Bell,” she whispered, “come on.”

“Absolutely not,” Diyoza suddenly said from near the doorway, drawing both Octavia and Bellamy’s attention. “I got the gist of what’s gone down between the two of you and you’re not invited to the party,” Diyoza was telling Raven, flicking a hand to shoo her away.

“I know Clarke and I have bad blood but I’m not ok with her almost dying. Not at all. Seeing her like that- I’ve never… I want to help. Please. I want to make up for-”

Bellamy knew he was upset with Raven. He couldn’t handle processing it yet but when she glanced toward him for support she couldn’t look away fast enough.

“Cool story. O, do you vouch for this one?” 

“Not at all. Raven can ease her conscious on her own time. The rest of us are bad enough; lumping her in won’t help our case any.”

“What the hell, Octavia? I get I messed up but I want the chance to make it up to her too. Just because you-”

Diyoza had enough, interrupting her to say, “You want to do right by them?” Before Raven could say she did she carried on. “Seal up the radiation fence. No one comes in or out, main road included. If you want to start to make things right you keep it closed,” she gestured toward Bellamy, “no matter who asks you to open it up. That’s the only thing they asked for and they deserve a break to focus on themselves instead of you hot messes.”

“Yeah, ok. I can do that. After, can-”

“Nope. Lost cause. Except it gracefully.”

Miller added support to that decision as he walked backwards out of the shop, shooting finger guns. “You dug your own grave, and it’s a ‘you’ problem now.”

Numbly, Bellamy began to follow the crowd as Octavia tugged him along. He still hadn’t caught up with how he was feeling. It was simply too much. He couldn’t-

“Bellamy, please. We have to-” Echo said softly, reaching toward him. She’d drawn near while he and Octavia had been distracted.

Before she got the chance to touch his arm Emori was between them, catching her wrist. “Don’t.”

“Emori,” Echo choked out and Bellamy was surprised to see there looked to be real tears in her eyes. “Please. We’re family. You’re my family. Bellamy, I know how upset you must be but we need to talk about this. We’ve been through so much. We can get through this. I was only trying to-”

He worked his mouth for a moment, drawing strength from Octavia as she squeezed his hand tighter. “I have nothing to say to you. I can’t even… I have nothing to say to you right now.”

“Bellamy, please,” Echo said to his back as he was led away.

By the exit Diyoza guarded who was allowed to join them, eyes sizing up each as they passed as if she’d never seen any of them before. Then she scowled.

“Where’s the other one? The sketchy guy?”

Turning, Bellamy confirmed Murphy was no longer with them. 

All eyes went to Emori and she gave a guiltless shrug. “He thought you were going to lock down the camp so he went after them.”

“Went after them,” Bellamy repeated slowly in unison with Octavia.

“He left. He went after them before you could stop him. I’m supposed to cover for him but it’s pointless now. We didn’t-”

“Good call on his part about the lockdown. As for the making a run for it- This is why I told you to leave one of the Rover’s undamaged,” Diyoza explained to Octavia. “You have to factor idiots into your plan. All of the Rovers are accounted for so he must be on foot. Who here is a good power walker? We can catch him if-”

“He left before Octavia and Echo started fighting and I’m sure he’ll have considered you going after him. He’s long gone.”

Diyoza sighed and mumbled, “Always gotta account for the idiots.”


	28. Clarke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> STORY NOTE:  
> \- Once again, this one got away from me, sorry! We dove further into Sanctum than intended in this chapter but in my defense canon Clarke would be neck-deep in these shenanigans.  
> \- As such, this isn't even half of the content this chapter was supposed to cover. I'm adjusting my outline to attempt to compensate switching POVs so Bellamy can be back next because I miss him and am worried about him! Given that, anyone who minded my pleas for forgiveness for Chapter 30- Chapter 30 is no longer Chapter 30. You will know 'Chapter 30' when we get there.
> 
> PERSONAL NOTE:  
> \- How I love you guys, let me count the ways: All of them, all of them, all of them...  
> \- You literally cannot make me stop saying it: THANK YOU!  
> \- Giving me the motivation to write this in knowing you enjoy it is everything and I'm so grateful to you for that gift. Please give yourself all of the kudos in the world for being super cool people who make a lady happier than you'll ever know! My gratitude is endless.  
> \- Off to get to replying! I think it goes without saying that my sincere wish to respond to comments in a timely manner on every chapter isn't going as well as I wish it was. I'm still going to try to improve on that and please know that even if I don't get to each I am reading them ~multiple~ times and that when I'm down or struggling for motivation I'm checking them so it's not like your words are being cast mindlessly into the void. They, and you, are incredible and extremely valuable to me.  
> \- Once more for the road: Thank you!

Pulling up to Sanctum, eyes full of the now ghost of flames, Clarke ripped the IV out of her arm and was running before the Rover fully stopped.

Through the smoke near the palace, she made out a familiar figure and headed that way.

“Wells,” Clarke said in relief and worry as she rushed to him. When she flung her arms around his shoulders, he reciprocated because of course he did but it felt… Wrong. He was too tall. His hug too soft. And he didn’t feel like- he was… “Gabriel.” 

Embarrassed, she quickly took several big steps back, ignoring the look Gabriel was giving her and assessing the situation around them. “What the hell is going on?”

“I came for you,” Wells answered in a whisper, “I’m gonna help.”

“My god, are you alright?” Gabriel asked, horrified by the blood all over her which Clarke had already forgotten about. “We need to get you inside. The lab was damaged but we-”

“We don’t have time for that. I’ve had a blood IV going for hours so I’ll be fine for now. Tell me what happened here.”

“No. Clarke if you-” The glance she shot him was enough for him to drop it. Gabriel was no fool. He shook his head in defeat when she opened her mouth to repeat her demand, his attempt to wipe the soot off of his face only smearing it. “We’re still figuring that out. Thankfully the majority of Sanctum is metal so the fires didn’t spread far. Our real problem is how many there were and that they were lit everywhere all at once. We’re dealing with-”

“A coordinated attack,” Clarke confirmed grimly. “How many injured? Any casualties?” 

When Gabriel didn’t immediately respond Clarke felt her body tense from head-to-toe. She didn’t want to know. She wished she didn’t already know what he was going to say. 

“Luke reported that our current count is forty-seven being treated for severe smoke inhalation, thirty-four injured and…” His lips thinned into a fine line, wanting to say it as little as Clarke wanted to hear it. “Eleven dead.”

She was saddened to hear that. Truly. It didn’t address the heart of her question, however, and she suspected Gabriel knew that. “And how many of those are my people?”

“Too many,” he murmured sadly, eyes damp as they scanned his city through the smoke.

Clarke’s jaw hardened. She didn’t want his sadness. She wanted an answer. “How many?”

“They kept going,” he explained, looking a bit dazed as he said it. “I’ve never seen anything like-”

She didn’t have time for this. “Tell me how many, Gabriel.” 

“Seven,” he admitted, a single tear dropping from his lashes. “Seven dead. All the rest with smoke inhalation or injuries. I’ve never seen- They didn’t bat an eye. None of them, the whole time. I heard about- There was a huge blaze of piled… No one could get through… All the classrooms- The kids… We lost two of them.” Several more tears followed the first. “They were being carried out, by your people, when… We would have lost another but the man- the man who had her- he- he managed to toss the girl outside when the roof began collapsing.”

It would be easy to cry with him. Her people… She’d sent them here and told them to protect everyone. She had made the people of Sanctum their wards and they had-

Clarke bit the inside of her cheek, checking herself. Crying wasn’t going to help anything. “What you’re telling me is,” Clarke said lowly, rounding to face Gabriel head-on. He needed to see her. He needed to know he had to get it together; he was not permitted to mourn them more than her. “I sent you fifteen warriors and before the week was out you’ve let half of them die. You have over six hundred people living in Sanctum, yet only four of yours are dead. Two of them children my people were saving.”

He nodded, not trying to deny how that looked. “Our people make up all of the injured because they did what they could and stopped when they couldn't. I’ll be the first to admit that yours…” He appeared at a loss, using again, “I’ve never seen anything like it. They kept going back.”

That almost got her to break. Clarke concentrated on her breath for one inhale, one exhale, and then carried on. There would be time to feel the pain of those words later. Not yet.

“Where are they?”

“Great hall. We’ve had to make it into a hospital again,” Gabriel said with that same uselessly sorrowful tone. 

He was her friend, and she respected and appreciated him, but she did not have time for his sensitive shit at the moment. “Take me there.”

“My people need me to address-”

“Take me to mine, now, and we’ll handle yours next. Let’s go.”

Gabriel tilted his head in reluctant acceptance and began to lead the way. He’d proven himself capable of leading - more or less - in the aftermath of the Primes but this was clearly not his area of expertise and Clarke was grateful he was wise enough to at least know that much.

As they followed Clarke felt Madi’s hand slip into hers and she squeezed it reassuringly. Glancing over, she saw Madi’s eyes were narrowed in anger and she looked a little pale. Clarke found herself speechless. There was no point asking if she was alright. She couldn’t say everything was going to be ok because their people were dead and it was not.

“What do you want me to say?” Wells had once asked when they were trapped with Finn during the first acid fog. He had sounded so angry, and frustrated, and not at all like the boy she knew. He wasn’t so much mad at her as the helplessness. She felt the Wells in her mind empathizing with how much she understood it now. She wanted to make Madi feel better but the truth was that she was incapable of saying anything that would help. So she said nothing, only holding Madi’s hand tightly and trying to figure out what they were going to do next.

The main entryway was open wide, people milling in and out as the sick and injured were treated. Well, that was over. “Get everyone who is not a patient or doctor out of here,” Clarke snapped, looking around for a guard to officially address that to. There were none.

“I’ll take care of it,” RJ offered, “if you feel comfortable with me leaving for a minute.”

“Gabriel, were any of the fires targeted at my people? Their living quarters, the buildings they were in?”

“None.”

Clarke nodded sharply and held out her free hand. “Give me your machete and go.”

RJ did so readily and immediately began repeating her instructions in a booming, outright intimidating voice, startling the whole room into silence and then movement.

“Put guards on the doors. At minimum four or five.”

“We can’t afford the manpower,” Gabriel said with tense distraction, watching his people being herded out by one man. “Clarke, they’ve just been terrorized. This is excessively aggressive. If we-”

“No, what we can’t afford is whoever organized this attack to come strolling in here to finish them off while they’re vulnerable. Seal all of the other exits except one and only tell the people you trust the most which it is so they can lead everyone else out if there’s another fire. Change which exit is open sporadically. Rig the front doors so one is permanently shut. The other should only be open enough for one person to enter at a time so there’s a bottleneck. If you can manage it, make it so it can only slide shut. If you can’t do it with tech send someone to start bringing in stones. We’ll make a barrier to at least slow it down if it’s being forced open past our predetermined point.”

“You’re really good at this,” Gabriel said gravely. It was not a teasing compliment anymore.

“I need to see my people.”

“Middle, on the left. Equidistant from attack from the front doors and back exits, apparently. I’ll leave you to check on them while I… follow orders,” Gabriel said without resentment but a notably clipped tone.

Clarke dipped her head in acknowledgment. As they started forward Madi jerked her hand away. When Clarke gave her a questioning glance she saw her child’s face was hard.

“They need their leaders, not a child with her mother,” Madi said flatly, reminding Clarke of the decision they’d made regarding public affection in Wonkru.

“This isn’t the same-”

“You’re right. It’s truer now.” Clarke opened her mouth to say… She wasn’t sure what but Madi cut her off. “I know you want to protect me. I know you hate it but the truth is I have been to war before. In fact, we’ve been through worse. Octavia told me about how warriors grieve when the war is won and they’ve killed our people; we’re at war.”

Clarke stopped walking and had to grab Madi’s shoulder to make her do the same, rolling her lips in and out of her mouth as she tried to think of something to say. She felt more like crying now than she had hearing about what happened to her people. They were supposed to be done with this. Madi wasn’t supposed to live like this. 

Her daughter looked at her with disturbing pity. “I know you hate it,” she repeated, “but Clarke, even if I wasn't their Heda, I’d do what I could to help. As it is, I am. They need me. They need us. We do this together or I do it by myself.”

The whole reason she’d let Madi participate in their planning meetings to start with was knowing the girl was going to do what she thought was right regardless of what Clarke said and that doing so alone, without support, was one of the worst feelings she had experienced during all of their trials on Earth. She didn’t want to put Madi through that. She didn't want her to feel like she needed to go behind Clarke’s back and do things on her own; things Clarke would then have no part in guiding or intervening in. And while her option to leave Wonkru seemed off of the table - she hadn’t thought about it much lately given everything else going on - the harsh reality was Madi was always going to be Heda and she needed to learn how to do that well because someday, one way or another, she would be doing it alone. She needed to be strong, respected, revered and confident enough to or she’d be in danger of being overthrown. 

It took a split second for all of this to run through her mind before she nodded in reluctant agreement. She did hate it, Madi was right, but it did make sense and it had to be done. Whatever was best for Madi had to be done.

Madi’s face softened slightly in thanks and Clarke knew she made the right decision. She was not going to leave her daughter to face the world alone, no matter what that entailed. 

She was also going to make the world a place where Madi would no longer have to deal with this kind of violence. Fixing Wonkru to avoid it was well underway. Now it was Sanctum’s turn. Whoever did this to their people, whoever put her daughter in this position, who caused children to burn, would be dealt with. Clarke would make sure of it. 

United and Madi visibly better off for it, they closed the distance to their people.

Their reaction was immediately both touching and heartbreaking.

“Heda,” the first woman to notice them croaked as loudly as she could. 

All eight of them - the only ones left - stared at Madi like she was the sun and when the girl reached a hand out towards that first woman she took it with reverence, pressing it against her own bowed forehead. Even worse - in her opinion - was when their collective gazes moved past Madi to land on Clarke and there was a shared soft sigh that sounded like relief. 

This was the faith these people had in them. This was the level of their loyalty. And Clarke had sent them here to die.

“Wanheda, what-” a man with a face half covered in bandages - Xander, she recalled, having memorized every name - asked with real worry, gesturing to his own shirt. 

Ah. Yes. She was still covered in her own black blood. For all that they were reassured to see her, that was probably not particularly comforting.

“It’s nothing,” she brushed off. There was no explanation that would be helpful and it’s not like any of them would press her about it. “What we need to discuss is what happened. Gabriel said none of our designated buildings were set fire to. How did we lose so many? How did…” she surveyed each of them with a deep frown. Five were passing three oxygen masks between them to take turns. All but two wore bandages, the seriousness of the injuries varied. 

“We came as guards,” Xander answered simply.

Clarke bit her cheek again to control her response to that. Before she could get it together Madi spoke. 

“This is not what we meant,” she told them gently as she continued to move from person to person, touching each of their shoulders or cheeks in comfort, permitting the ones who grasped her hand in thanks to hold it before moving on. “Policing the city is one thing; sacrificing yourselves is another. I would never ask you to run into a burning building for me, let alone them. Your safety comes first, always.”

Tears filled more than one of the aged warrior's eyes.

“Thank you, Heda,” the first woman - Asena - replied, her voice now choked with more than damage from the smoke. “Thank you. However, I admit that in the moment saving the children was my first thought, more than even my command from you.”

“We were told about the school,” Clarke said as she made her way into the center of their cluster, two of the men shifting apart so she could sit amongst them.

“None of us were at the school.” Xander leaned forward to keep Clarke in sight. “The first thing we did was split up. There were fires in every direction and we don’t know the city well enough yet to go anywhere in particular. We just ran. The three that ended up at the school didn’t survive. The rest of us were elsewhere.”

“How many kids are…” Clarke began to ask, trailing off once more. How many freakin’ children were there in Sanctum? Were they the targets? If so, that was even sicker than-

“That’s not what we mean,” Asena said, picking the tale back up. “It’s these people.” She waved a hand to encompass the great hall. “They are like children. They aren’t very strong, none of them know how to fight, or how to- The short time we’ve been here it’s clear how…” she searched for a word, and unable to find one, picked something in Trig that translated to a mix of innocent, naive, weak, defenseless. She didn’t say it with the derision the term usually meant on Earth. She said it with marginally compassionate worry. 

This woman was a skilled and battle-proven warrior, had two grandchildren around Clarke’s own age, and after all she’d been through could have lost her life saving adults because they couldn’t save themselves. It was also clear that she had no regrets about it. 

Clarke clenched her fists in her lap.

One of the men passed off his oxygen mask to another, the supply for how many people needing them clearly beyond maxed out, and added, “I’m actually impressed,” he wheezed, eyes roving over the rows of cots and chairs, “They did better than I’d expect.”

“Tell me,” she said, working to keep her voice even, “Tell me everything that happened.”

They started with the dead. 

Clarke closed her eyes tight for a moment. Each name sliced through her but one went particularly deep. The first meeting she and Madi held had been with Tikka, the liquor distributor, and her elderly father, Koah. They’d lied and said the reason Madi was gifting them particularly coveted land was in thanks for Koah’s bravery being amongst the first to volunteer for guard duty. He’d been so happy and his daughter had been so proud of him. Clarke had promised them he’d be back in three weeks. He’d been the man who had thrown a little girl to safety as a burning building consumed him. His daughter was going to live alone now.

“I was there too late to help,” one of the other women said with painfully deep regret. “He died a good death, at least; saving a child. Many are not so lucky.”

“You captured the one who had started the fire. Koah will get justice thanks to you,” Xander comforted as the world around them stilled for Clarke.

“You what?” she asked. All of them froze, even Madi.

When Clarke flicked her eyes from the ground to the woman’s face she dutifully, quickly explained. “There was a man. He was leaning against a nearby building, doused torch nearby, watching. He looked angry, not afraid. When I approached him he ran,” she tsked in scorn, “When I brought him to their leader he was still directing everyone and told me where to lock him up for now.”

“And where is that exactly?”

Of all things, the woman smiled. Clarke was already standing as she gave directions.

“Wait, wait,” Asena pleaded, the way she was tugging at her own clothes unexpected enough for Clarke to slightly slow. With surprising speed the woman tugged her shirt off, holding it towards her expectantly. When Clarke hesitated taking it she explained, “They should not see you bleed so much, Wanheda. They do not know you. They might mistake it for weakness.”

Clarke considered declining it. Accepting the literal shirt off of someone’s back was not her style and if anyone here dared to think she was too weak to protect her people she invited the opportunity to prove otherwise. That said, Asena was staring up at her so earnestly and Clarke knew it would hurt her for the offering to be refused. With a sharp nod she yanked off her own top, her undershirt in place and even if it wasn’t wholly unconcerned by the size of their audience, roughly wiped away the blood that had to still be thick on her neck and lower face, and swapped. As she predicted, Asena seemed overwhelmed by emotion to see the Commander of Death wearing her clothing. 

It was unfortunate their people were so misled to think of her the way they did and Clarke continued to feel a deep ache of guilt over it. However, in this moment, it could be used for good. After a short but sincere thank you Clarke continued on her mission.

“Keep each other safe,” she commanded over her shoulder. “You’ve done enough for them. I’ll be back for you soon. We’re going home.”

Feeling a presence, Clarke noticed Madi was striding beside her as she left. Nope. Not happening.

Drawing to a screeching halt Clarke scrambled to find an excuse that made sense. Madi would settle for nothing less. “You have to stay here.”

“No. I need justice for-”

“Madi, I know that, but our main concern needs to be with the living. Our people are incredibly brave but that does not mean they are fearless. They are injured, we can’t be sure there won’t be another attack, and you saw how they reacted seeing you. They need you. As you said, you’re their Heda. This is how you take care of them.”

Clarke had sworn she would not lie to her daughter and she meant it. She said she was going to do everything in her power to prepare Madi for the real world, what leading entailed, and knew despite her feelings on the matter she needed to teach her how to be strong enough to face the worst of it. What Madi did not need was to know what would likely happen next. There was the worst of it, and then there was what Clarke was capable of. Madi did not need to ever know what Clarke was willing to do to make the world a better place for her.

Her daughter nodded with determination and Clarke was relieved she’d thought of something tangible enough for Madi to on board. She was going to dedicatedly stay with a group of Wonkru warriors who worshipped her. There was no safer place to be. Actually, it would be even safer if…

Clarke was unsurprised to see that even as he was breaking the gears that allowed the heavy front doors to glide open and close, RJ was attentively watching them across the room. When Clarke waved him over he pointed at someone to take over and moved to their side with surprising speed for a man so large. All she had to say was to stay and keep Madi safe. That was all he needed to know and he asked no questions.

His only pause was when Clarke tried to hand back his machete. “If you’re going somewhere alone, take it. I’ve got-”

“This is the most likely target for another attack and I’m leaving Madi here with you.”

Clarke did not seriously think there would be another attack. She’d never leave her child behind if she did. The other was one of cowards, setting fires and standing back when no one expected it. If they were going to do something on a larger scale they would have while Gabriel allowed the space to be a free for all. Still, the excuse was plenty for RJ to basically snatch the blade out of Clarke’s hand, offering her his crowbar in exchange. 

“Keep her safe.”

“With my life,” he swore solemnly and Clarke thanked the universe itself for sending someone like him into their lives. For all her determination to trust no one, RJ silently and naturally insisted on being the exception.

With a tight nod and touch to Madi’s cheek in farewell, Clarke waited until she was sure they could no longer see her face before she let the killing calm finally take her.

No more than ten feet out of the door someone grabbed her arm and almost got a length of metal across their skull for it. 

“Clarke,” Gabriel said barely in time to identify himself. “Where are you going?”

She pulled herself free from his grasp. She’d wasted too much time already. The prisoner would have been her first stop if she’d known- “You apprehended one of the fire-starters and didn’t tell me.” It was an accusation, not a question.

He kept up with her, only his significantly longer strides allowing him to. “He’s being questioned and-”

“You should have told me sooner. What has he said so far?”

“That he’s innocent. Perhaps I should have told you; I intended to when you arrived. Then, to be perfectly honest,” Gabriel selected his wording delicately, “I didn’t think it was a good idea. I don’t think it’s a good idea now. At least wait until morning to speak with him. You’re not acting like yourself and you clearly need to be treated for-”

She worked her jaw. “You don’t know me as well as you think you do. How have you asked him?’

“I don’t know what you-”

“How thoroughly?”

“Clarke,” he said. Just her name.

She nodded. “That’s what I thought.”

“Clarke, what are you doing?” Wells asked, as startled as he’d been when she’d once told Bellamy to follow her because he had a gun.

She’d lost control of her thoughts too much. Sparing some of what she had left she shoved him to the back of her brain again. She didn’t want him to see this almost as much as she didn’t want Madi to and the last thing she needed was for him and Gabriel to gang up on her.

Gabriel did the favor of bringing her back into the moment as awful as the moment was. “I do know you. When we fought for Sanctum you put yourself in danger to save as many of my people as you could. I’ve seen how kind you are. This is not-”

“Yes. I wanted to do better, and I lost my mom and almost lost my daughter for it. I was trying to do better but if I hadn’t been at the right place at the right time my people’s minds would have been wiped; I would have as good as killed all of them myself. I still want to do better and that means I’m not going to let this happen anymore. I’m ending it. Madi is not dealing with this, ever. Our people shouldn’t live with this kind of violence and fear. We do what needs to be done now so our people will have a better future. That’s our job.”

“You can’t do this. You can’t seriously want to follow through with this.”

“You’re right. I don’t. I hate this. But I hate the thought of any of my people being hurt because I was too weak to protect them even more. And make no mistake- If we look weak now more attacks will come. If this was like before - if I could risk myself to save everyone - that would be my choice but it’s not. This is all I can do. If I have to choose between my peace of mind and my people’s safety - yours too by the way - I have and will choose them every time. You’ve asked me to help you lead Sanctum because you’re failing and this is why. You’re too hung up on your morals to get things done. I left mine behind a long time ago so make the most of it. Leave and I’ll find out who did this, whose leading the Faithful revolt, and end this tonight.”

“The great Wanheda, the Commander of Death, who says she wants to save everyone,” Roan commented with dry amusement.

Gabriel, who was clearly still in denial of how this was going to go whether he liked it or not, insisted. “I can’t allow you to harm any of my people.”

She spun on him, glaring. She. Did not. Have. Time. For this. “That decision stopped being yours the minute the first of mine burned. You are my friend. I respect you and-”

“So listen to me!”

“And I don’t want to hurt you. Please. Don’t get in my way. Please.” Tears gathered in her eyes, the tears she’d been fighting back the entire time, and a few escaped before she got the chance to blink them back.

Gabriel took that to mean something it didn’t. He stepped closer and gently appealed to the soft places within her, being all he’d known thus far. “This doesn’t need to happen. We aren’t even certain this man is guilty.”

“Certainty is a luxury leaders can’t afford,” she said in synch with Roan.

She carried on towards the shipping container made prison. Clarke suspected Gabriel was still following her but didn’t want to check. This was hard enough.

“Clarke…” Wells said in soft warning. “You don’t have to do this.”

“Yes, I do. Go away,” she muttered with frustration. She would always be sad he died but there would also always be a healthy dose of relief as well. He didn’t live to see what the ground had made her into. She was glad he never had to become like the rest of them.

“What did you say?” Gabriel asked from behind her and she ignored him.

“Hey, I’m just trying to help,” Wells said as he had at the dropship while she worked to save Jasper. Another friend, long gone. She wasn’t losing anyone else. They weren’t going to live that way anymore.

“We all want to do what’s right for our people. This is what’s right for yours,” Roan assured her.

“Back off,” Wells said sharply, protective as ever, and Clarke stumbled, clutching her head even as she kept going.

Roan sighed. “There is nothing else to do and we all know it.”

“No. We’ll pass.” She could feel Wells racking her mind for another solution. “Anything’s possible.”

“I don’t believe in miracles.”

“There are-”

“Shut up, Wells,” Clarke half begged and half demanded. It was nice to hear his voice again. It was one of the miracles Roan didn’t believe in. She missed him so, so much. But she knew what she needed to do and he was not helping. The morals and opinions of a kind boy from the Ark were not the ones she needed to live by and would rather not be reminded of. 

“I’m still your friend. You can talk to me,” he said and she could feel how much he cared radiating within her. Wells had been a better friend than she’d ever deserved. In even her earliest memories he had always been there for her and no matter what was going on she could count on him. He’d let her hate him to protect her. Even now she could tell he wished he understood her and wished there was a way he could help. That was the kind of person he was. “We’re always gonna be friends.”

She couldn’t handle this right now. Clarke felt the edges of her vision beginning to blur. As much as she loved him she resented he was making this act harder than it already was. “Get out of my head. I don’t want you here.”

“You should really rethink this whole hating me thing…” Wells repeated himself from all those years ago, reminding her how much she regretted it after she pushed him away before.

Roan had enough of Wells making her second guess herself too. “You were born for this,” he encouraged, understanding that Clarke didn’t want this, exactly like she hadn’t wanted to be in the lab. She was only doing what she had to for her people. Always. She might have once had the opportunity to be the soft girl Wells had once cared about but Roan saw that even then she’d always had the potential to lead. He hadn’t judged her for what that ended up meaning when circumstances led her down the path to hell. “Lexa knew it and so do I.”

The pain in her head was getting worse but the doorway she needed was in sight. For now she wasn’t bleeding, the only problems other than the pain were the world beginning to shift beneath her feet and the issues with her vision. She could handle that long enough to take care of this.

“Clarke, be careful,” Wells warned, noticing her symptoms as if she didn’t herself.

“Clarke, we-” Roan began.

“Godammit, both of you, stop!”

“Whoa, what’s-” Gabriel grasped her shoulders, this time not to stop her but to inspect her. “We need to get you inside. Now. Let’s-”

“I’ll go when this is done.” Now at the door, she found no guards, only a padlock keeping it secured. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“I told you we’re short on guards. Please don’t make me-”

She tapped his chest gently with her crowbar. “Make you what? Take me back by force? I’m not willing to hurt you but that does not mean you’re allowed to manhandle me. Stand back.”

Clarke wasn’t sure if the expression on his face was indecipherable or if she couldn’t see it well enough to decipher. What she did know was that the lock was easy to break with her crowbar. 

She immediately stopped short. “Shit.”

They were too late. Even through her mirky vision, she could easily read the large letters written in red. “Hallowed be their n-” The man had run out of blood before he could finish.

“Oh my god,” Gabriel breathed beside her, more horrified than pissed.

They continued to not be on the same page. “You let him try to make himself a martyr. I thought you said someone was here questioning him.”

“They were supposed to be. They must have finished or taken a break or- My god.”

“How?” Clarke asked, both irritated and truly curious on some level. “How are you over two hundred years old and like this?” She pointed between himself and the body several times.

“Oblation, the Primes, and the Offering Grove were terrible horrors we’ve faced. They were also the only ones. We’ve never seen… Anything like the fight for Sanctum. Anything like… This. I was - am - strongly against any killing and ordered my Children not to. They did not always listen but… This.” From what Clarke could see he couldn’t tear his eyes off of the body.

Gabriel was a deeply good man. Clarke didn’t hate him for not understanding what needed to be done. She once wouldn’t have either.

“Grab his leg.”

“What?”

“Grab his leg. We passed a building still smoldering. From what I can tell people are hiding in their homes; we need to take advantage of that while we can.”

“You can’t mean-”

“I do. It’ll be easy for the Faithful to spin this to their advantage and we have enough problems already. Grab his leg.”

“We shouldn’t do this.”

“Gabriel.” Clarke dropped her weapon, no longer useful, and rubbed her temples to try to ease both the pain and exhaustion. “Please. I’m not ok with this either but it has to be done. I’d tell you to leave again so I can do it myself but…” She pointed at her head, the only acknowledgment she’d make of the fact that her adrenaline had powered her through everything until then but was fading fast. There was only so much longer she was going to stay on her feet and using that strength to drag a dead body on her own was not a good use of it.

“Ok,” he agreed quietly and Clarke heard how much that agreement cost him. If there was another way she’d offer it. There wasn’t. 

When she moved to grab the other he insisted he could do it alone. Whether to punish himself or to prevent her from taxing herself she was unsure of and did not ask. The answer was likely both. 

While he handled that Clarke grabbed a nearby bucket, scooped up a healthy amount of soot, and began scrubbing at the blood, not stopping until the message vanished. Hallowed be her ass. She was making this move on their part worthless and hoped they took note. They weren’t dealing with merely Gabriel anymore.

It took longer for Gabriel’s work to be done and when Clarke joined him she led the final step. The poor man had been through enough. No matter how exasperated she was with him she still cared. She didn’t want him to live with this sin more than he had to. 

“I knew how you would feel,” Wells sympathized. “I wanted to protect you."

After they worked together to swing the body in far enough to land on the brightest embers, Clarke grabbed one of the innocent nearby torches that had been left burning and tossed it in, her aim true despite her steadily decreasing focus. Seconds after it hit his chest his clothes began to burn, reigniting the remnants of flames beneath him. 

“For Koah,” she mouthed to herself, “Yu gonplei ste odon.” When sure the fire was hot enough to believably incinerate him, and as the unfortunately familiar scent of burning flesh hit them, she added stoically aloud to Gabriel, “There’s nothing left nearby it can spread to. We don’t need to keep watching.”

They walked back in silence. 

It was only when the massive doors were in sight, cracked open as she’d ordered, did he speak. “Maybe Russel was right to be afraid of letting you stay in the first place.”

Clarke nodded. It hurt to hear him say that but he wasn’t wrong. “If he would have let your people begin killing mine unchecked he should have been.”

Finally at the doorway itself, Clarke took her turn grabbing his arm to stop him. Unlike with her, it worked. “We need the microphone. The one Russel used on Naming Day.”

“Why?”

Clarke took back everything she’d thought about him being wise enough to know what were and were not his strengths. He’d admitted before that playing politics was not one of them. He seemed to have forgotten that since.

“We need to get ahead of this. Everyone should stay in their homes so the microphone will do; the speakers are everywhere.”

Gabriel nodded and held up his hand to catch the attention of the boy she’d seen assisting him before - Cathrine’s grandson, Luke, she recalled distantly - who began rushing over, stepping sharply to cut off Madi as she and RJ similarly headed their way upon spotting Clarke. She raised her eyebrows as Madi blatantly shoved him to hurry up as they neared the entrance.

As Gabriel instructed Luke to bring him the microphone and how to turn it on, Clarke subtly trailed a hand down Madi’s hair in greeting, commenting, “I take it you two don’t get along?”

Madi didn’t deny it, shooting a dark look his way. “He’s cocky and delusional. He ordered me to start passing out water and when I told him I wouldn’t leave my people he told me it wasn’t a request. I think he would have seriously tried to insist if RJ hadn’t stood up. Then he left fast enough,” Madi said with a little devilish grin towards where RJ had stopped nearby, who in turn smiled crookedly back. The two of them were incorrigible.

“That sounds incredibly annoying but please try tolerating him until we leave? No more pushing or siccing RJ on him? His grandmother has been extremely kind to me and I don’t want to repay that with her grandson going home with a bloody lip.”

“If he’s lucky,” she mumbled.

“Madi.”

“Yeah. I’ll try,” she sighed. Glancing toward her Madi startled. “You’re bleeding again.”

Wiping a hand beneath her nose Clarke found that was not only true but that it was no small amount. “When we’re done here I’ll get hooked up to another blood bag right away, I promise. Actually, go get one prepped with RJ right now, alright? The second we’re out of sight we’ll use it.” Madi nodded quickly and darted towards RJ while Clarke again reasoned with herself that she wasn’t lying. They really were going to use it first thing. 

However, another motivation was inspired by Asena’s words from earlier. ‘They should not see you bleed so much, Wanheda. They do not know you. They might mistake it for weakness.’

That was not happening. A nearby glass case was mirror enough, especially given the paleness of her skin and the pitch black of her blood. Going to it, the way she stumbled warning her that her time upright was fading fast, Clarke smeared her blood carefully to fully cover the entirety of her lower face, ear-to-ear, from the nose downward, making it look like war paint rather than a wound. Studying her reflection she determined it wasn’t enough. Was it gross? Yes. Was it worth the intimidation factor? Absolutely. Carefully dabbing up more blood to use like finger-paint she made the mark of being a soldier of their Heda, a slash of black running upward between her brows. 

Surveying herself, she found no trace of Clarke Griffin. Wanheda stared back. No one would mistake her for being weak now.

Turning back Clarke could make out Gabriel, Madi, and Luke watching her. Luke appeared morbidly fascinated, Madi approving, and Gabriel perfectly blank. Blank enough to be a strong reaction of its own. She refused to be ashamed, returning to their party.

“Me next,” Madi said calmly, tilting her face upward.

“No. This is to hide the nose bleed-”

“And to make you fierce. Our people are here. The people of Sanctum are watching.”

She didn’t need to remind Clarke any further than that.

One big inhale. One big exhale. No matter how she felt about it, she needed to do what it took to keep Madi safe. Now that meant making her respected and feared in addition to loved. Those were the kinds of Commanders that lived… Well, lived longer than the others.

“Fine but only a little.” Swiping at the slickness she now felt trickling down her neck Clarke wet her fingers and then sorrowfully dragged them down Madi’s cheeks, leaving them striped black. “There. Ready.”

“Ready,” Madi agreed with a gentle comforting smile, knowing that was hard. 

Turning back they found both Gabriel and Luke staring with even more intense attention.

The boy broke the silence first, curling his nose. “Gross.”

“Bite me.”

"Luke," Gabriel chastised. 

“Madi….”

“Sorry Clarke,” she said, not sounding sorry at all.

Clarke had to work to keep the smile off of her face despite herself as the boy left, Madi glaring at the back of his head. “Where have you even heard that before?”

“Murphy.”

“Of course you did,” she groaned. “Alright, let’s get this over with. Gabriel, would you like to begin?”

“Yeah,” he cleared his throat. “Yeah, I’ll…” They turned to face the great hall, their only physical audience. As soon as he turned on the mic Clarke realized she should have prompted him on what to say. It hadn’t occurred to her. When she shared the heavy burden of the spotlight it was always with Madi, who of course she coached, or Bellamy who…

Thankfully, while Gabriel was not an excellent leader, he did not falter as he spoke and his heartfelt sincerity made up for any finesse that could have been worked on. He encouraged his people to stay indoors for the rest of the evening. To be vigilant moving forward in the event of any further incidents. Comforted them that they had no reason to believe another attack would happen and those who performed this cowardly deed would be found and brought to justice. Assured them that the future they were building, one free of the Primes, was a future without violence and entreated whoever within the community who had done these things to think about the others; the children who had died that night and those who could have as well. He used that to lead into the part Clarke was waiting for.

“And I would like us all to take a moment to acknowledge our invaluable allies from Wonkru. Without their bravery so many more innocent lives would have been lost tonight and so many more buildings burned. Clarke,” and then last minute he recalled, “and Madi, we appreciate and recognize your dedication to our alliance. And to the people of Wonkru, on behalf of all of our people of Sanctum: Thank you.”

In the great hall there was applause and even several hollers of ‘thank you’ from the crowd, the warriors bowing their heads in acceptance of the praise and perhaps a little flustered. In Wonkru doing such things to save one another was a given.

“On that note, Clarke, if you would-” Gabriel held the mic out to her and she took it without hesitation. Gabriel had done well and she was grateful for his message. There was one part that he got wrong, however.

Wells whispered, “Clarke, you’re up,” as he often had when they played chess long ago.

“As Wanheda, the Commander of Death, and Heda, the Wonkru Commander, we appreciate your thanks and offer you our condolences for the tragedy that has befallen your people and your home.” There was no Clarke and Madi standing in front of the crowd. “We agree that it was the work of cowards who brought on these devastating losses. As many of you may know, mere days ago we sent fifteen of our people here to keep you safe from the recently formed terrorist organization that call themselves the Faithful.” Dead silence followed that, and it felt like the entire city was suddenly holding its breath. Gabriel called what had been happening in Sanctum ‘civil unrest.’ Now people were dead. Clarke had another name for it. “While I respect that this term once was used to describe those of you who continue to follow the religious Will of the Primes it has since been distorted, now used by people who would burn your children to death, amongst many other offenses.

“We sent you fifteen Wonkru warriors and already half are dead, the rest injured, fighting for YOUR lives. This is how much our alliance means to us and how deeply we care for you as our neighbors. We ask for only the same respect and care in return. ‘The Faithful’ killed our people tonight; moving forward anyone who calls themselves such are an enemy of Wonkru.” There were several gasps from the crowd as Clarke carried on. “Anyone who is a member of the Faithful who committed these acts are an enemy of Wonkru. Those who are harboring or aware of the Faithful criminals responsible for tonight’s events will become enemies of Wonkru if they do not turn them over or share any and all information with us within the next 24 hours. We-”

A subtle poke at her side had her glancing side-eye at Madi, who was staring communicatively at the mic. Clarke hadn’t told her anything to say. Biting her lip and hoping for the best, she passed it over. They were trying to make an impression. Ignoring the Heda was the opposite of that. Madi was smart. As nervous as Clarke was she tried to take comfort in that.

“As Heda of Wonkru,” Madi began. Clarke was close enough to see she was shaking but you’d never guess from how calm and sure she sounded. “I see a future of peace and prosperity between us. A world full of potential as we, the last of the human race, share our culture and ideas and technology. I hope you see that world too. The individuals who are causing destruction, unneeded conflict, putting lives in danger- They are not only the enemies of Wonkru. They are the enemies of that future. They are endangering the possibility for mankind - all of us - to find lasting peace and freedom. Sanctum and Wonkru are allies. I ask everyone here to personally join that alliance now, as my people have proven to. Together we are strong and we can create a future to be proud of.”

Madi reached around Clarke to pass the mic back to Gabriel who stood there, dumbfounded, for a beat. Recovering, he made his closing remarks. “Thank you again to our own brave men and women, the people of Wonkru, and their Heda and Wanheda. As Ma- As the Wonkru Heda said, we have a wonderful world ahead of us. Do should not lose fai- hope. Our hope and hard work today is how we will make it a reality. Thank you, and good night.”

“That’s my girl,” Clarke whispered, her eyes fixed on her brilliant, brave, wonderful daughter. “I’m so proud of you.”

Wells warned, “We got problems.”

“Wow,” Gabriel said as he joined them. “Madi, that was- Clarke?”

Clarke did not take her eyes off of Madi. She’d felt her limbs begin to grow numb as the girl spoke and she feared if she tried to move now she’d crumble like a stack of cards. “Madi, would you ask RJ to-”

Before she could finish Madi had already done it and RJ was already there.

“I’m going to pass out now,” Clarke said as calmly as she could, knowing Madi was scared enough already though her face had begun to blur past the point of recognition. “I don’t know how but don’t make it obvious you’re carrying me out.”

“Got it. Madi, loop your arm through hers on that side for balance and I’ll-”

Then there was nothing.

Nothing until- “Heya Princess.” There was a pause which was followed by, “I can tell you’re awake. Your breathing is different. Dead giveaway.”

Personally barely aware that she was, Clarke slurred more to herself than whoever was speaking, “Award for creepiest comment goes to…”

She worked her weighted lids open only to find she’d made it to a bed, sunlight was streaming through the curtains, she was hooked up to another IV, and none other than John Murphy was smirking down at her from where he was propped leisurely against the headboard.

“Murphy? What-”

“Whoa, whoa, take it easy tiger,” he said, only needing to press a single finger to the middle of her chest to halt her attempt to get up.

“What are you doing here?” she asked, digging into her temples hard to try to ease the pounding in her head. More importantly- “Where’s Madi?”

“She’s safe, don’t worry. Godzilla carried her out of here a couple hours ago to get some real sleep.” Murphy looked towards the doorway with an unusually affectionate smile. “While I was lurking I heard Gabriel and RJ try to get her to go earlier and-” Murphy lowly whistled. “Mads was having none of it. I gotta remember to not piss that kid off.”

“Do you have a time machine?” Clarke groaned, covering her eyes to see if lessening the light would help.

She heard Murphy snicker, some shuffling and then, “Open wide.”

“What are you-” Murphy used her speaking to drop pills into her mouth, then pressed a cup of water she didn’t see coming next, pouring it fast enough that her options were to drink or drown.

“What the hell?” she spluttered when what had to be a full glass was emptied into her.

“That should get your head sorted out. Well, not your head because that’s a mess, but the pain. Or so says the sweet old lady that was sitting here watching over you. Sweet, but far too trusting. I mean, what if I wasn’t your most loving and dearest of friends? She just took my word for it. Brought me a muffin too.” He lifted what was left of said muffin up into Clarke’s line of sight and wiggling it for demonstration. “I’d offer to share but I listened in when Gabriel was telling her-”

"What are you doing here?” she repeated, no less confused.

"Be careful. If you keep talking to me with that much hostility my whole two feelings might get... Eh, I wouldn't say hurt. Involved, maybe?"

"Involve them somewhere else with someone else. Not sure if it's obvious enough but I don't want to see or speak to any of you."

"Yeah, I have started vaguely getting that impression," Murphy mused, popping in the final mouthful of muffin.

“I know about Madi’s order. Your survival instincts are too strong to be here.” She lightly snorted. “Or are you going to keep up the pretense of being friends? You’re here to check on me?

“Naw. I’m only here because things were so boring in Wonkru I figured I might as well mosey this way. More of a vacation, really.” Sliding down further on her bed and lacing his hands under his head, Murphy was the picture of comfort and ease. “As for Mads justified death threat- Survival instincts are doing fine, thanks for asking. This is the best place to harass you on Alpha, actually. Unlike home sweet home, there are fewer people willing to immediately follow her order to fry me to a crisp and serve me up with a sweet side of karma. All I gotta do here is avoid the Hulk and thanks to Bellamy’s helpful attempted murder spree I am uniquely aware of hiding spots around this place.”

"Leave. Now."

“You’re good enough to hold this conversation by the way. Stable, at least for the moment. That’s what the doc said before he left in case you were worried.”

“I’m not. Get out.”

“Ok, can you be done not talking to me yet? It’s officially a drag,” he asked with his classic universal boredom.

"I don't know, are you dead yet?"

Murphy chuckled, then sighed. “Had to at least give it a shot before resorting to… Remember when I mentioned a conversation I'd like us to have some time? Well, much to my discomfort, I think that time has come."

"Fine. Spit it out and get out."

“Many moons ago, on a pleasant sunny afternoon, a dropship of doomed teenage delinquents-“

"Better yet, just get out. I'm out of patience with all of you."

"That's fair. I don't know how you've made it this long, actually.” He was silent for a moment, Clarke using her peripheral vision to observe him as he studied her ceiling, looking a tad nauseous. Against her better judgment she became a little intrigued. 

“Get it over with.”

”Ok, for reals. In addition to some original sins, I helped Josephine steal you, I'm the reason Abby died, and your medical problems are entirely my fault. Let's discuss.”

She could tell he’d subtly turned his head toward her to observe her reaction but she couldn’t reciprocate, eyes fixed dead ahead as she tried to process that.

Clarke was truly speechless. Then she rallied. She hated Murphy but she hated him for legitimate reasons. She didn’t need to think up new ones that didn’t even make sense. “No one is responsible for Josephine but Josephine and Russel killed my mother. You made your survivor moves and I wouldn't recognize you if you didn’t.” Actually. There were several very uncharacteristic moves he’d made during their time with the Primes. Things she never would have expected from him. It didn’t erase the bad but the truth was… “In the end you came through. There’s plenty of blame to go around; you don't get to take all the credit."

"Whelp, that's the wrong answer. I thought I'd hit the 'feeling like crap' rock bottom, but apparently not. Try again.”

"If you have something you need to hear from me hand over the script," Clarke snapped. "I'll read from it. I've spent enough of my life trying to figure out what you people need from me."

She could make out Murphy’s brows rise as he continued to stare at the side of her face. “Yeah. Yeah, ok. Would you, uhm… Would ya mind looking at me real quick? Just real quick. I need to…” Her curiosity over all of this overrode her desire to not do it for the sake of being obstinate, barely, so Clarke did as asked and then was taken aback by the deathly grave expression he wore. “What I need you to say,” he began, clearing his throat, “is that you hate me. I've said it plenty and it isn't enough. I need you to say you hate me and that even when - if - you start tolerating me again, and we joke around and eat lunch and I get to… no matter what I do underneath it all you'll never really forgive me and I’m gonna owe you for the rest of my life. And I’m a piece of shit, for good measure. I think… Yup, think that covers it.”

“I…” She did. She did hate him. She almost pitied him enough in that moment - was almost moved enough by MURPHY saying those things - that she almost wanted to say she didn’t. The words grew in her throat but she didn’t make a sound.

“Now she’s quiet,” Roan chuckled, bemused by her silence. Her friend. She’d had a real friend, once.

“I thought I could trust him,” Wells lamented softly in her mind, pretending to hate his father so she could continue loving her mother. Even if Wells was being a pain in her ass at the moment, she’d had two. Bellamy, her mother more than once, Raven, Murphy, her- The list went on and on of people she loved who couldn’t love her back. But she had been given two examples that had shown her that some people wouldn’t judge or hurt her. Wells had let her hate and abuse him out of how much he cared. Roan had thought she’d betrayed him and trusted her anyway. 

She thought she could trust Murphy. She’d known she shouldn’t and did it anyway because she wanted to believe him so badly. She wanted to believe him now. That wasn’t enough. He’d hurt her so many times. Saying he was sorry couldn’t be enough anymore.

“I… hate you,” she whispered, looking him right in the eye as she said it. 

His face twisted to communicate a casual ‘makes sense’ but they were too close and they were staring at one another too directly for her to miss the immediate swell of liquid glazing his. He shifted his head to face upward again but she didn’t, studying his profile in the ensuing silence. 

She knew his face so well. She’d drawn it many times in the years they’d been gone. She had sincerely missed him. There was a small piece of her that was exclusively Murphy territory. Any frustration or anger or snarky aggression she needed to get out from where she kept it bottled to the point of pain, Murphy was there to take it away with a sarcastic grin. 

In the Red Sun, yes, he’d kept her alive. To take care of Wonkru for them; she knew that was the real reason. She refused to be an idiot about their intentions toward her anymore. But… He’d also made her laugh. He didn’t have to do that. He could have gotten credit for saving her life if he’d hogtied her and called it a day after he got the knife away from her. Instead, he decorated her house. Nicely. Thoughtfully. He’d told her she should be proud of being Wanheda and that they were all alive because of her. She was powerful and shouldn’t be ashamed of that. Instead of letting her continue to hurt her wrists he’d made himself sincerely deeply uncomfortable by holding her and telling her a story - one that cast her history in such an innocent light - to help her sleep.

How had it started?

“…There once was a jester named John. And for all the jokes he made he was really angry and really sad and really didn't know how to play nicely with others… The Red Sun toxin worked on him just like everyone else. The only reason it didn't drive him crazy was because he's had dark, terrible thoughts in his head he can't control for years, so it was unimpressive by comparison… Since you're right here, it's been telling me to kill you the whole time… Don't be dramatic. You know I'm not going to hurt you… Eventually he wanted to apologize to the princess, but he didn't know how, because he'd been so wrong for so long, and almost let her die, and is still an idiot who doesn't know what to say or what to do to make it up to her and generally is really, really bad at this type of stuff and it's been low-key freaking him out all day but the princess deserved it so the jester tried…”

He was the only person she had admitted she loved Bellamy to and - knowing Bellamy was incapable of playing it cool enough to be aware of something like that and behave normally - Murphy had kept her secret. She’d been so lonely and wanted a friend so badly she’d trusted Murphy of all people and he hadn’t betrayed that trust.

“I wish I didn’t,” Clarke said, still in a whisper, the admission painful because it was true.

Murphy pulled another face, recognizable even while turned away, that expressed something along the lines of ‘no biggie.’ “Not your fault. I earned it and I literally asked for it.”

“You’ve used me. All of you. You’ve betrayed me.”

“More than once,” he agreed, his voice rough.

“You only brought me to Wonkru to fix things for you. You knew I was sick so you ‘babysat’ me. You don’t actually care about me.”

“Untrue but you have every reason to think that.”

“So my trip to the Eligius camp?”

“I followed you because I knew you were sick,” he conceded, then the corner of his mouth twitched. “And the most fun I’ve had on Alpha. I knew it would be. I was so stressed out when I came here with Bellamy to get you when you first made a break for it but not when I was walking into that den of psychopaths with you.”

“You are only nice to me when you want something, then hate and blame me when you don’t.”

“That has certainly been our track record.”

“I deserve better.”

“Eons. Tons. Lifetimes. At a minimum.”

His voice was getting outright hoarse but he answered her easily every time.

Clarke let out a shaky breath. “You used Madi and put her in danger. You ruined her life. You broke her heart.”

Murphy bit his lip, his nostrils flaring. This time there was a long pause before he spoke again.

“I’m sorry. I never… There’s nothing I can ever say or do that will make that right. If I could take it back, I would. I know it’s not enough.”

“You say that now but you’ll betray us again. It’s only a matter of time. Madi’s the one who pointed it out and she’s not wrong. You’re loyal to your people above anyone. There will always be the chance that we’ll make one of you mad and you’ll turn on us.”

“Pinkie promise I won’t. Short of you trying to oven bake Emori again - which I feel like is a fair caveat - I’m Team Cockroach. You don’t have to believe how I feel about it; believe in my practicality. You and me in the dark after apocalypse seven or twelve or whatever, remember? I can’t have you this mad at me or playing Marco Polo won’t be any fun.” 

Clarke couldn’t help it- the way he said that made the slightest huff of laughter pass through her lips. She wondered if that’s what gave Murphy the confidence to finally turn her way again. A growing suspicion she'd begun to have was confirmed. His eyes and nose were pink, big teardrops clinging to his lashes. He didn’t bother to hide them and gave her a lopsided grin.

“Really though. I can say with confidence that Emori and I know you’re our people. We know how much we owe - and weirdly, after everything and all this time, sincerely don’t mind - you, and we’ve discussed how to Stockholm Syndrome Madi into thinking she’s ours more than once. Not that we’re going to because you both are way too intense, rest assured. Point is, we aren’t going to let you down again. Either of you.”

“How can I ever believe that?” Clarke asked, wishing he could somehow give her an answer strong enough to let go of the past for.

“I don’t think you can until you do. What do you think, princess? One more last chance for ol’ times sake?”

“If it was just me, maybe. Things are different now.”

“Figured but I had to try.” They fell into another period of silence and despite Clarke saying she hated him and wouldn’t give him another chance it was a significantly less uncomfortable one. “You know,” Murphy finally said, “during the verbal bloodbath free-for-all that followed Madi laying down the law, some interesting new factoids were brought to my attention.”

“Verbal… What?”

“Again, I get you have no reason to believe anything coming out of my mouth but I’m telling the truth when I say we were and are not cool with or in agreement with Raven. When we found out what she said I thought Miller was full-on going to deck her,” Murphy smiled. “Octavia too. Anyway, during the ensuing ‘let’s recap every awful thing’ party, I became aware… Why didn’t you ever tell me you tried to stop them from hanging me?”

It was the last thing Clarke expected him to say and she shot him a startled glance. Murphy wiped his face with the back of his hand before rolling to his side, propping himself up on an elbow, the better for them to stare at each other in confusion.

“All of our fights, the things I’d say to you- Why didn’t you tell me you tried to stop it?”

“As it was happening Bellamy told me it was on me for saying anything, and I couldn’t stop it so it doesn’t count that-”

“Freakin’ Bellamy,” Murphy sighed. “It does count. This whole time in my mind you were the ringleader. It was your fault. And I was glad you let me stay after the bio-bomb ordeal but that was easy to tie in with my resentment over you ordering the hanging, and then being the one to banish me, which caused me to be tortured and turned into said bio-bomb… I mean, I was angry at the world and you were some privileged, pretty, bossy princess so I would have found a way to hate you forever on principle, I only wish I’d have known that wasn’t a solid foundation to build almost eight years of animosity on. From that point on everything you did I saw from a ‘this girl tried to kill me’ perspective which I now know wasn’t a real thing. Jarring, to say the least.”

“…Sorry?” Clarke said with no small amount of attitude and Murphy snorted. Another beat of silence passed as they were lost in their own memories of that time.

Then- “Clarke, I need you to be really-for real with me on one thing. The… Your reaction to the Red Sun is obviously a tad different than the others. Do you think it’s because… Why you…” Murphy looked everywhere but her for the words. Finally, with a strong frown, he gazed back down at her again and he said, equally parts imploring and ordering, “Tell me you weren’t really going to walk out in the black rain.”

Clarke’s mouth opened and shut as she searched for the right answer. “It wasn’t like-”

“Tell me you didn’t really put a gun to your head.”

She rolled her lips into her mouth, finding them unexpectedly shaking. She didn’t want to talk about that. She didn’t want to talk about the Red Sun.

“Goddammit, Clarke,” Murphy moaned.

“Can we not do this?”

“For the sake of not upsetting you while I’m trying to get you to talk to me, fine, but that isn’t something I’m going to forget. We need to talk about it.”

“We’re not friends anymore, remember? Not that we ever were. I don’t need to talk to you about anything,” she snapped with admitted defensiveness. 

“You might not be friends with me but rest assured that does not mean I’m going to let you die, especially-”

“You had no problem letting me die a few months ago. You were a big fan, as I recall.” She didn’t mean it but the words shot out of her before she could think twice and hit their mark when Murphy visibly flinched.

“Yeah. About that. That happens to be one of the topics I’ve been meaning… needing… to get around to. You gotta know the moment I found out you were... I wasn't- I wasn't ok. I wasn't ok with that. When I started getting the hint something was wrong I felt this dread like... And when she told me you were dead and that she was wearing your face, I- Clarke, we may have not been BFF's all these years but it felt... There was a lot... I'm not good at talking about this kinda stuff. I'm trying.” Murphy dragged his free hand down this face aggressively. “There was a lot and it sucked. Bad. A part of that was outright fear, too. If they were capable of killing you, what could they do to the rest of us? That's why I boarded the Josephine evil-train. I wanted those chips. I wouldn't have to be scared about what they were gonna do to me and Emori if I had those suckers and you were already gone. Nothing I could do about that after the fact. Had to be practical.”

Clarke sighed. “I know. I know you did and I would have done the same. It is what it is. You ended up looking out for everyone which is more than I’d expect and I’m grateful for that. I really was… am, proud of you. You got Bellamy to take a deal that I don't know if I could have gotten him behind to save our people, you protected who you could, and you kept him from getting himself killed. That's enough to clear you of everything else in my book. Can we let it go? There’s no point bringing all of this up. Things are what they are and there’s no point in focusing on the past.”

“A- Bullshit on you giving the Primes a pass to save yourself and B- I can’t let it go. I assure you, I've tried. No matter what I end up… All that we've..." His eyes got lost in the middle distance for a moment. Jolting back out of wherever he went, a forced grin appeared, hiding the chasm his mind had gotten list in. 

“Also, as an aside, I think it’s important to take this opportunity to say I already knew Bellamy was a pain in the ass, but my god. I give up my title as the number one ranking survivalist. How you managed to make it this far with him as copilot is insane to me. He was dead set on making everything as hard as possible. He was doing it because he's a good person so I couldn't hate him for it, which made me hate him for it more. 

”I get why you think you wouldn't have gotten him to take that deal; the only reason I ended up able to was using you being dead as leverage. That was the only thing that could get through to him. Said you would have wanted us to survive, the whole 'do better' thing you guys kept talking about. His own 'do better' went out the window the second he heard what they did to you. I knew it would. He was going to slaughter the city, Clarke. And I gotta be honest with you... That son of a bitch had me near tears trying to convince him not to. He said... He said you cared about all of us, even me. I only really got how much that was true when I was the one trying to get him to take the deal. You weren't there to do it for us. I never understood. I was the one who had to get him to do something he - rightfully and understandably - felt was wrong to get where we needed to go to survive. I had to be the bad guy when all I was trying to do was help. 

“I wasn’t able to do it first go around. I don't know how you've done it. I had to leave him locked up to die so I could protect everyone else. Then I couldn't stand it so I had to betray my only ally and get her dad in order to save that big idiot from himself."

Murphy wasn’t wrong. That said- "He’s saved us both more times than we can count. It's not his fault he’s wired differently than the two-"

“Of course you’d find a way to defend him,” Murphy moaned, adding, “He’s a man so set on being 'good' that anyone being practical looks 'bad' in comparison. He thinks you're heaven-damn-sent but from where I'm sitting he accidentally hasn't done you a lot of good PR-wise."

Clarke didn't know what to say to that so she didn’t try replying at all. Murphy nodded like he’d won some victory though she couldn’t imagine how.

"That was just a part. Bellamy was his whole own world of problems but there was... I was already going through my own crap. I can't tell you how I felt about the hell stuff. No one can ever understand that. I was legitimately depressed as, pun intended, hell. When I found out we were leaving the only safe place humanity had left in the galaxy, therefore clearly all gonna die, so I'd be seeing hell again real soon, it provided a healthy refreshing dose of hating the universe and our lives and everyone. Other than Emori, of course. When I heard about those chips, had them in my hand, everything changed. I had one thing that meant something. Again, Emori excluded, and they meant protecting her. I could breathe again, ya know?

"'Course, as with all things in our lives, they ended up..." He dropped off his elbow and stared at the ceiling again, seeming once more adrift in his thoughts and Clarke waited him out, more sympathetic than angry. For the moment. “The cost ended up being… Not what I expected.

“See, I thought I could justify what I was doing helping Josephine because it meant we’d be safe - all of us, in the new compound we’d only get if Russel got to keep his daughter - but when I found out you were still in there… I can’t… I was… When she said you could see me, that you knew what I’d done, I knew I’d gone too far. That was… But by the time I knew you weren’t dead they threatened they’d kill Emori if I didn’t stay the coarse. When she took off with the EMP the first thing I felt was relief and then I knew she’d as good as killed herself if I didn’t get it back. It was you or her and… 

“When I almost did, at the radiation fence, Bellamy and Echo showed up and Emori knew she was putting her life at risk to save you, and I had to look at our friends… I was only trying to help but I was on the wrong side. I was trying to keep everyone alive but somehow I ended up being the bad guy. Josephine put a knife to my throat and asked if they still cared about me even though I was a traitor, and I knew I was one, and I knew the answer was still ‘yes’ and I wished that it wasn’t because of what I did to… Even with her knife to my throat I did the ultimate not-a-survivors move and told them about Gabriel because… When they took us to Russel I wouldn’t talk because…

“And after I had to… Shit, Clarke. Madi looked at me like I was the scum of the earth and I didn’t blame her. Your mom… I know it wasn’t anything like what Raven or Jackson or- Had with her, but Abby meant a lot… She slapped me. I had to admit to her I let someone steal you - get away with killing you, yeah, but it almost felt worse, the letting her STEAL you - and she slapped the shit outta me and I… I’d had to describe to Josephine all the things you’d done, your relationships with everyone and it was… A few days before Abby had been comforting me about how I was going to hell and then she told me she chose me to die and I didn’t blame her. 

“I know I told you on the way back from visiting Diyoza that you have the balls to do what no one else could, and in Sanctum I only understood how much you cared to make things you hate happen for the greater good when I was dealing with Bellamy, but then I saw Echo getting dragged out from seeing Russel and there was this whole new layer of… In front of everyone, on the fly, I had to risk everything, come up with a plan, let her know what to do, and you’ve been doing this crap since we were kids. Like, I’m a survivor too, but for myself. Having to figure out how to keep everyone else alive no matter what they were doing… When we were at Gabriel’s, even when I was dealing with having to hear you were really gone, and I was looking at you and praying it wasn’t true but terrified of what it meant if you weren’t, I couldn’t afford to let myself really actually feel any of that because of what I had… and I told Bellamy I would keep Echo and everybody else alive - despite what he’d, again, rightfully, done to screw everyone else’s chances over in order to save you… The weight of that promise…

“Raven had told me to choose morality over immortality and I wanted to. I had. Then instead I had to choose between the sins of protecting our people or being a decent… I wasn’t sure if I’d live long enough to get the chance to pick being 'good' over 'practical.' And I was only trying to help… 

“Then, even after everything I did, Abby’s last words to me were to say that no matter how afraid I was betraying our friends wasn’t the answer. That was almost enough to give it all up but the only way I could see a win through all the things I'd done were those chips… But the tipping point was freakin’ Gabriel… Russel said that in a century I wouldn’t remember what I’d done to you, and Gabriel said ‘to forget, all you have to give up is your soul.’ I still didn’t want to go to hell, more than almost everything, but the thought of just… forgetting… All of you, what I did… I ought to have to live with that. I did it all to help, I did it all to save our people, like you would have, but forgetting…

“That’s why I knew I had to stay behind. I’d do anything - anything - to protect Emori but when she said she’d stay with me I had to go ahead with it because even if it put her in danger I couldn’t leave our people… The way you…

“And then Clarke Griffin, Wanheda, survivor extraordinaire, when you said… You know, I didn’t doubt it was you in there for a second when you called me ‘Murphy.’ Hell yeah you were still alive, somehow. Of course you were alive. You’re Clarke.

“After that, when we were trying to put together all the pieces and I got a chance to think about… Not just Sanctum, to think about the past, because as much as it sucks, we have to… Only then did it occur to me that we’re two sides of the same coin, you and me. Yeah, we’re both survivors, and yeah, most people have seen us as the bad guys more often than not. But I’ve been helping myself and you’ve been helping everybody else. I think… I think you’re the best I ever could have been, and I’m the worst you could have. Team Cockroach, but opposite. And I… I feel like I can’t stress enough that I could mentally figure out how to scrape by all of that now but we were teens… Fresh off the Ark… I just… After everything that happened here, I didn’t have some lightning strike telling me you’re some saint or that everything you did was right. However, thinking about everything that happened, I can finally, finally see… You were only ever trying to help. That counts. That counts for a lot. I honestly don’t get how… Even for the parts I’m not thrilled about, I honestly get how you got there, at least. I don’t blame you.”

Murphy’s halting, choked words ended and he finally took a full breath, long enough for Clarke to notice both of their faces were thoroughly slick with tears.

“I’m sorry it took me a while to get it but I do now. I promise, I get you’re my people. Have been. I know you always have been and I… I know you have no reason to trust me. You have no reason to forgive me. I honestly don’t blame you for that. I only want you to know that whether you do or not won’t change that above Wonkru, Skaikru, Spacekru, I get I’ve been the recipient of the ridiculously high-maintenance benefits of being Clarkekru all this time. I don’t take that for granted anymore. I get it now that I wouldn’t have made it off the cliff the night Charolette jumped, or the hundreds of nights since then, if it weren’t for you.

“So… Uh… Long story short.” Murphy cleared his throat and sniffled his nose, roughly wiping at his eyes. “Thanks. And my bad. About that stuff. And other stuff. And whatnot.”

Clarke again found herself speechless, this time for a long while. Murphy gave her the time.

Finally, she said, “Team Cockroach, huh?”

Murphy chuckled at the take away she chose to focus on. “Hell yeah. Team Cockroach all the way.”

Clarke wanted to hug him. She wanted to cry for him. She wanted tell him she understood. 

Wells breathed, "I made a mistake, Clarke," mournfully in her mind, shockingly on Murphy's side this once.

Her muscles and vocal cords strained from the effort but the solum vow she’d made to herself to never fall for their act again held her still. She wanted to cast that aside at the moment but wasn’t sure if she could. She’d promised Madi she’d be more careful with their hearts and that meant not taking liars at their words even if they sounded true.

“Good. You’re awake. Wait, who- Murphy?” Gabriel had come in marching so swiftly he was only a few feet away before he stopped short in surprise. “What are you doing here?”

“Tired. Thought I’d take a nap,” Murphy replied off-handedly, burrowing in deeper to Clarke’s bed like it’s existence was all the evidence he needed to explain him unexpectedly being in not only Sanctum but her room.

“Don’t mind him,” Clarke instructed, refocusing herself. “What’s going on? How are things going out there?”

“Not great,” Gabriel told her grimly. “I see you took the medicine. How are you feeling?”

It was only then that Clarke realized her pounding headache had been gone for some time. Testing the waters by rising to her elbows she reported, “My body feels a little weak but otherwise I’m fine. What’s going on out there?”

Gabriel pulled out a pocket flashlight and took a seat on the edge of the bed, leaning in to test her pupil response as he said, “Things that can be dealt with soon. For now you-”

“No.” Clarke batted the light away and did not miss the way Gabriel’s jaw hardened as he shoved her hands to the side to continue his exam. “I can wait. Tell me what’s happening. Were there anymore attacks in the night?”

“No. The only thing that’s wrong- Clarke. Stop. I’ll tell you while I examine you and only then. Sit still.” 

Begrudgingly she did as asked and he told her there had been no further incidents, no moves against the great hall, and one more of his people had died in the night from their injuries. As he spoke it was clear he’d gotten little if any sleep and seemed stressed to the breaking point, a feeling Clarke knew well. 

“At the moment our biggest problem is the fear.”

“You’re people think another attack is going to happen,” Clarke agreed, “We need to-”

“Yes, about that, but their fear of you as well, Wanheda.” Gabriel dragged the title out. “Many hate the Will of the Primes but those who still followed it, even if only out of comfort or tradition more than any actual belief, now think that they need to fear retaliation for what happened.”

“That’s not what I said-”

Murphy whistled lowly.

“They’re scared and it’s what they heard,” Gabriel said shortly, “Their peaceful lives in the matter of months deteriorated from finding out they were worshiping false gods, to a slaughter, to civil unrest, to a night of fire and terror that ended in a woman covered in bloody war paint saying anyone calling themselves ‘Faithful’ were her and her bloodthirsty peoples’ enemies.”

“Bloodthirsty? My people-”

“Big blow to the ‘choice’ theme you were shooting for, that’s for sure,” Murphy mused over her, shooting a warning side-eye her way. She knew he was right, fighting Gabriel was not the smart political move here, but her people were dead due to the violence of his. No matter how he meant it, using that word to describe hers was hypocritical at the least.

“No kidding,” Gabriel sighed, dropping his hands from Clarke’s face and his tension easing slightly as he addressed Murphy. “You were in there for one of our earlier talks and things haven’t moved forward much. These people having been living under the strict and complete control of the Primes their entire lives and I want them to know real freedom. Removing their right to hold their own faith is not freedom. I’ve been trying to find a balance between-”

“Their faith in the Primes,” Clarke clarified dryly before he could finish.

“Whether I personally like it or not is not the point. They are their own human beings and have a right to make choices for themselves even if they aren’t the ones we’d like them to make.”

"Well if your strategy is to lose really fast, that was a great move," Well commented over she and Gabriel's life-size chess game.

“I think the ones who set the city on fire got that memo.”

“Ok,” Murphy said with too much enthusiasm, trying distract both she and Gabriel from the dark looks they were giving one another. “So. Everyone is freaking out. Got it. Let’s get this one up-and-at-‘em and get to patching up this leaking boat before to goes down then, shall we?"

“About that.” Gabriel’s expression became tinted with real remorse. “The exterior of the lab has been damaged too extensively to even see what can be salvaged within it at this time. Given that fact, when you collapsed last night I sent one of my men to my old tent so I have those supplies here now. That means- Clarke- Please at least consider-” He started trying to convince her before even finishing what he was saying, the strength with which Clarke was shaking her head clear indication enough that she knew where he was going.

“What’s our hold up?” Murphy asked.

As when asked to explain why she wouldn’t go into the lab by Bellamy, Gabriel gave Clarke the respect of choosing to speak for herself before taking on the task of doing it for her. This time she took him up on it.

“It’s red sun toxin,” she forced out, “The treatment means he’d have to give me a dose of red sun toxin.”

“Well, what do you know? You happen to have your favorite Red Sun survival buddy on-hand. How lucky is that?” When Clarke didn’t respond he nudged her, urging her to move her gaze up from where it had fallen to her lap. “We got this.”

“I don’t know…”

“Sure you do. You’re either going to let yourself be knockin’ at deaths door as all of Sanctum goes to shit while Madi and our people are in it, or you’re gonna take a swig of your personal hell juice and deal with it. We both already know which you’re going to pick and now that you have the added benefit of yours truly there’s no point pretending to hesitate.”

He got another uneven breath that could almost be called a chuckle out of her on that. However, before she cold respond-

“No,” came from the doorway. She, Gabriel and Murphy all startled from the heavy intensity of their conversation to find a livid Madi in the doorway, predictably shadowed by a glaring RJ. “No way. RJ-”

“Oh. Crap,” Murphy said flatly, not bothering to get up, knowing he was not only busted but cornered. 

“Wait, wait, hold on,” Clarke intervened, throwing an arm across Murphy’s chest in reflexive defense.

“Oh thank sweet Jesus,” Murphy muttered near enough that Clarke heard him even though she wasn’t sure if she was meant to.

Clarke glanced over her shoulder and said archly, with the ghost of playfulness, “You’re not off the hook but maybe I don’t want you to die right this minute. At least not until this is over.”

Sly grin spreading, he shrugged. “I’ll take it.”

“Thanks so much.” Clarke rolled her eyes at him before turning back to try to explain to Madi why Murphy should get a temporary pardon.

“You’re welcome,” he muttered near her ear. “Feel free save me anytime you feel like it. Anything for a friend.”

"What are friends for?" Wells echoed as he reminded her of the answer. Friends were there for protecting one another, for saving one another, for understanding one another, for being there when life is hardest. It didn't erase the rest but somehow Murphy had checked each of those boxes, she supposed.

Clarke ignored that, refusing to acknowledge that she was glad for the excuse of having to go into treatment and Murphy offering to help. She wasn’t ready to say she forgave him but she also wasn’t going to let anything happen to him.

“I’ll go with you,” Madi argued at once, changing it to, “We’ll go with you,” when RJ bumped her arm lightly.

Murphy slunk off of the bed, holding his hands out to show himself defenseless, as he slowly eased a little closer to the two of them. When he got as close as he dared he lowered himself to a kneel in front of her daughter.

“Mads, I know you hate me and I don’t blame you. You, or your mom, or RJ for that matter because he understands the ‘loyalty’ concept on a whole other level.” Murphy jerked his chin upward in acknowledgement towards RJ before returning his full attention back to Madi. “Hate me all you want, I still want to help. We both know if you go in there with her Clarke is going to be too worried about you to take care of herself. If RJ goes in with her she’s going to be too worried about him not being with you. Let me do this, ok? I know I’ve messed up but I promise I won’t let anything happen to Clarke. The Red Sun’s got nothin’ on us. I’ll make sure she’s ok and deliver her back to you and then we’ll address whatever creative punishment you’re working up. Sound good?”

Madi looked Clarke’s way and it hurt. She still appeared so angry but it also wasn’t hard to make out how badly Madi wished she could believe him. How much she wished she could count on some help in the crazy, dangerous situation they’d found themselves in with not only the external threat but now this. Clarke said she’d be more careful with their hearts. She wouldn’t let Madi blindly trust any of them ever again. She wasn’t willing to outright forgive Murphy because doing so would give Madi the impression she ought to do the same toward people who’d hurt her and her child deserved better. 

All the same… “Madi, he’ll get me through this. Stay with our people and RJ. It’ll be alright.”

Lips tight, Madi agreed and then rushed over to throw her arms around her. “Be ok,” she commanded into Clarke’s neck.

“I promise. Murphy, Gabriel and I are going to take care of this and we’ll figure the rest out together.”

Madi nodded gravely as Gabriel helped Clarke out of bed as he shared assurances of his own that he would perform the procedure right then and everything would be fine. 

As they began shuffling towards the door Clarke meaningfully looked at RJ until he understood and stared at her lips to read them. “Take care of her,” she mouthed first, to which he naturally inclined his head hard in agreement. “Distract her,” she added next. She knew Madi was going to drive herself insane with worry and knew RJ would protect Madi from that too if he could.

“You might want to consider radioing Wonkru,” Murphy was saying to Madi, Clarke noticed when done securing the secondary agreement from RJ, “they need to know about this.”

“They’ll come here if they do and we’ve already decided to bring everyone home to regroup on our end. They’ll learn when we head back tomorrow. We need to be there to break the news to our people,” Madi replied, still sounding irritated but significantly less than would be expected.

“They can’t come here, actually,” Murphy pointed out, reminding Clarke of Madi’s tire-slashing order. They still needed to talk about that; she’d completely forgotten.

“You came anyway.”

“Yeah, but I’m cooler than everybody else. You know this.” Murphy gave Madi a teasing wink and the girl visibly struggled to keep scowling. “Just consider it? If only to tell them you made it here alright. Some inquiring minds might like to know.”

“Fine,” Madi bit out before standing back, allowing Gabriel to lead Clarke in one direction as she and RJ lingered in the other. “Help her.”

“You got it,” Murphy swore again, saluting. Taking up Clarke’s other arm so she was supported between he and Gabriel, Murphy began faintly humming as they kept on. 

Clarke didn’t look back, resisting the urge as it might lead her to call for one more hug and that would not help Madi think that this was no big deal.

“This way,” Gabriel urged, and then, “Just a little further,” as her strength quickly began to fail. To credit them both, neither offered to carry her.

It was only in the doorway of a regular room that had been set up with the surgical seat and supplies she’d noticed in Gabriel’s former home that Clarke felt her determination to keep going run out. Gabriel carried on, beginning to prepare as Clarke hung back.

After a pause Murphy caught her attention, tilting his head forward in invitation. “Come on, Wanheda. We got this,” he repeated, wrapping an arm around her shoulders as he coaxed her closer to the awaiting chair with its many straps. “Just another pleasant stroll through the Red Sun park with your best-buddy John Murphy. It’s gonna be a blast, trust me.”

Clarke forced a swallow and took his hands when they got to the chair, letting him guide her weight down into it. Her body wasn’t currently strong enough to hide the traitorous tremors that were beginning to radiate through her and Clarke put her utmost into clenching her teeth to keep the sound of them rattling in her skull silent. 

“We’re going to get through this,” Murphy insisted as she hesitantly placed each of her arms on the rests to be tied down. “Just focus on me. I won’t leave you. We’re gonna knock this out of the park, cheer up little princess 2.0, save the day, yet again, crack a few jokes, and then live happily ever after. That’s how this story goes. Think you can do that, princess?”

“Yeah,” Clarke agreed breathlessly, doing some quick counting through her nerves. “That’s only… That’s only five things. I can do five things.” And she could. She ran through that to-do list several times a second. Get better. Take care of Madi. Protect everyone. Joke around with the jester. Live happily ever after. Five things. Only five. The world spinning out of her control while she couldn’t keep up reordered itself into a list made up of five simple goals.

Murphy snickered. “Precisely. Only five measly little tasks. No sweat.”

“We’re ready,” Gabriel said from out of her line of sight, causing Clarke to jump, feeling every inch of the fabric Murphy had secured as he’d been lulling her in with his words.

“Just focus on me,” he reminded her and Clarke nodded too quickly, catching his gaze. “It’s all going to be fine, trust me.”

“Ok,” Clarke replied tentatively as Gabriel rounded on her with a syringe.

She admitted to herself - as she squeezed Murphy’s hand while the needled descended - that while deep down she knew she was going to get through this that wasn’t what she meant. The fact of the matter was that, for reasons beyond her understanding, she was agreeing that she did trust him.

“Deep breath. This will take a minute to kick in. Keep your breathing even and I’ll guide you as we get started,” Gabriel instructed as the needle pierced her skin.


End file.
